IMPORTANT A/N - If when you read the fanfic chapters 6 & 7 were the same that was an error and you're missing an important segment of the story! Apologies for the confusion there I made an edit to chapter 7 a few months ago and accidentally saved it to the wrong chapter - when I tried to fix it the text went crazy - I'm working now to solve the issue. Thanks to LunaSeasMoonChild for pointing this out!
ETA: This issue is FINALLY fixed...
Sorry for the delay this time – work has been absolutely nuts. Those of you that read multiple of my stories know that sooner or later someone is going to show up with a singing talent…sorry if you're not into that music is a big part of my life and my writing so I hope it doesn't bother you too much.
To all my reviewers: invincible soul, Temp02, misssunnybluesky, ChuckBlair08lover, Catfish22, PureJadore, Sharryy, lovetvtoomuchxo, CarolinaGirl21, LovelyLydia, bassempire, Michii, BellaB2010, Lily, Stella, Amazed, LunaSeasMoonChild, BB, beblobs, adupree013, Olivia Mallett, and all my lovely guest reviewers. You guys are so incredible and I seriously get excited each and every time you update just to see what everyone's reactions will be. Thanks again!
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Credit Where Credit is Due: For the following songs, I either used the lyrics, referenced the song, or used the song for inspiration in this chapter: One More Night – Maroon 5, Battlefield – Jordan Sparks, With Me – Sum41, Who You Love – John Mayer and Katy Perry, I'm Sorry – Blake Shelton, and Taken – One Direction. I also used a quote from One Tree Hill's Jake Jagielski and Matched by Ally Condie.
Also many many thanks to my beta kosoul7.
Chapter 14: Reopening of Memory Lane Pt II
For a long moment Chuck and Blair both simply stared at each other, their gaze more heated than it had been in a long time. Blair knew it was just the nostalgia getting to him but there was something between them right then that felt so incredibly tangible. The sureness of their connection was almost startling.
Chuck exhaled slowly as he laid a hand on the page in front of him. He wanted to look away from her but the energy that was coursing between them couldn't seem to settle. He wanted to reach out and touch Blair but he was afraid that even the smallest touch might cause him to do something crazy.
Blair knew she had to look away, she couldn't keep staring at him or she would push him too far, she would do something she'd regret. Looking down she felt tears build behind her lashes and her shoulders tightening because the next part of this scrapbook wasn't something she was looking forward to. Shaking, she turned the page knowing what was next and how it would feel to look at that part of her life with Chuck. Landing on the page where Chuck had traded her for the Hotel she heard the words echoing inside of her head - words that caused her to flinch even now as they seemed to flood her mind, racing through as though assaulting her.
"I can't let my feelings cost me all I've built."
"The worst thing I ever did. The darkest thought I ever had. You said you would stand by me through anything. This, Blair, is anything."
"You went up there on your own."
The words she wanted to say choked in her throat as she squeezed her eyes shut and began to turn the page. "We don't need to look through these, thinking about it's pointless." She spoke turning pages through the hotel debacle as quickly as possible - not realizing that she'd landed on something almost as bad - Dorota's wedding photos.
"The only reason you're giving it is so you can spend time with me. You know weddings are my weakness."
"Really? It never occurred to me."
"Everything occurs to you, Chuck."
"Blair, you and I are magnetic. You can feel it. The pull is as undeniable as ever."
"It's different this time."
"It doesn't have to be. I love you. Saying it was hard but I did and I've never looked back. So now I'm asking you, please do this for me. Please forgive me."
"I'm sorry I can't."
She felt her heart clench in her chest over and over again. She hated these pages, these reminders of how young and stupid they were; how much they'd hurt each other. These were the memories that at one time had made her think she was right to walk away - now she hated them because they'd ever made her think that. Her stomach turned as she thought about the fact that this must be what the memories from the Hamptons felt like for Chuck. And all those times after she left that she wasn't there and he was in pain...
"Blair I don't want this to be you settling. Some sort of consolation."
"We both hit rock bottom, Chuck. But we've hit it together. At least we won't be lonely in hell."
"Hey. Snap out of it." Chuck said causing Blair to blink furiously as she looked around. What had just happened? Looking up at Chuck she narrowed her eyes for a moment in confusion before exhaling and starting to flip through the pages again but Chuck stopped her by placing the hand that wasn't holding hers on her hand that was turning the pages. "Blair."
Blair looked up at him and swallowed tightly. She wasn't sure what to say.
"I am sorry." He said looking down at a picture from Vanya and Dorota's wedding before looking back up at her, remorse clear in his eyes. It hurt him to see the pain from those memories still in her eyes - he truly had done some unredeemable things to her. "There are very few things in my life that I can say I regret more than my actions concerning Jack and the Empire."
Blair tilted her head slightly finally realizing that Chuck thought what had upset her was the memory of that mess with Jack. She smiled sadly holding back a bout of ironic laughter. "I was just thinking that as much as I thought you'd hurt me, nothing has ever hurt as badly as staying away from you did."
Looking down at the photographs before meeting Chuck's gaze once more, she shook her head. "I hate these pages. But it's not because I'm still upset about what happened. I hate them because at one point I thought that these things were enough to make me run away from you."
This time it was Chuck who found himself at a loss for words. That might have been the last thing he expected her to say. He'd always thought that she'd been holding on to all of that hurt and pain all along but that's not what it sounded like. "Is that what you were thinking about just then?"
Blair shrugged. "That, and the fact that you probably have memories where I've hurt you just as badly. Ones from after I left." As she spoke she noticed that his eyes held a certain warmth, and he gave her the slightest of nods. "And maybe a few from before I left too. I know I wasn't innocent in all of this."
Chuck held her gaze as she spoke, he was so caught up in the words she was saying. Dan was right, she was different, she was so very different and yet as he stared into her warm brown eyes he knew she was exactly the same. He inhaled quickly as her laughter broke his concentration; he'd forgotten how beautiful she was when she laughed.
Laughing Blair pointed to a picture of them exiting the ceremony. "I still remember this conversation, me telling you that I wanted 'Real love. Pure and simple.'"
"I told you, you'd be bored." Chuck said with a laugh of his own.
Blair nodded, her smile brightening. "You weren't wrong on that point. God I was such an idiot. I had no clue what I wanted and I was scared out of my mind. I knew how much I loved you, and thought that loving someone that much was bad, was destructive, couldn't be a good thing."
Chuck swallowed and looked away because he knew exactly where this conversation could and probably would go if he didn't stop it before it got there. He flipped through the next couple of pages until he paused on one from the night they went after Serena's father. "I'm not sure if I was an immature idiot when I told you I did the bravest thing I'd ever done by telling you I loved you, or if I understood myself better as a 19 year old than I have since." He spoke, barely thinking about the words coming out of his mouth.
Blair furrowed her brow but said nothing because she understood that there wasn't really anything to say. She remembered what he'd said next, that he'd never regretted the decision, that he'd never looked back. But she couldn't handle bringing that up and possibly hearing him say that he did regret it. "When you told me that we were never going to be safe, I remember thinking that sounded more like a threat than a method of persuasion."
Chuck laughed and turned the page, pausing only for a moment at the image of the Empire State Building, Dorota's baby, and the two of them on the way to the Hospital. He felt nothing but disgust with himself for those photos and for the first time in a very long time, he felt regret for more than just hurting her. "That's right up there with the Hotel incident."
Blair could see that he was thinking hard about what was going on in these photos but knew that together they'd revisited those memories too many times and turned the page. "And I repeat, I was no saint. I could have called, I didn't."
Flipping through her summer in France, she was talking aloud, though almost to herself. "That's when I met Louis, I almost ruined that one too." She spoke shaking her head. "And then there's that." She paused at a photo taken at the train station.
Chuck froze as he stared at that one picture, a picture of them simply facing each other, maybe they were speaking, maybe they weren't. It didn't really matter because it all came flooding back. He found himself breathing deeply as he thought of that moment when he'd seen her there. His heart had been about to beat out of his chest.
Blair could feel the parallels or at least the ones that would have been there if Chuck had ever approached her when he tracked her down, had ever tried to convince her to come home. "I destroyed the only thing I ever loved." She spoke, quoting him. As she did she took her hand out of his and angled her body to face him a little bit more.
Chuck looked at her but said nothing, his brow furrowed as he heard her, echoing his own words.
Blair nudged his shoulder gently. "This is the part where you remind me that you don't love me anymore."
Chuck continued looking at her, wanting to say it if only to prove a point. He'd been saying it for over a month now, what was the big deal of saying it now. But instead he looked away.
Blair couldn't have helped the small victory she felt as he didn't say it, even though he'd said it enough times since she'd been back to last a lifetime. "Your world would have been easier if I hadn't come back." She'd said, reminding him of what he'd once said to her.
Chuck was still looking away when he started speaking. "That's true." Turning his head he met her gaze. He didn't know what he was doing, or why, or even if it was a good idea - in fact he was pretty sure it was a terrible one - but he couldn't seem to stop himself. "But my world wouldn't be my world without you in it."
Blair could feel her pulse racing as her heart pounded in her ears. He sounded as though he meant it, like he wanted her to stay and if nothing else, that was a step forward. "Chuck...I loved you so much in that moment. You might have thought I didn't but even when I hated you I loved you."
Chuck exhaled aware that they were sitting even more closely together now than when he'd held her hand. His side was pressed against hers from his knee all the way up his thigh and along his side; and every inch of his skin that was pressed against hers was scorching. "I don't know what else to say right now, but you were right that night at the train station, my world isn't my world without you. Even when I want it to be."
Blair nodded and quickly returned her attention to the scrapbook. The heat between them was almost palpable - the air felt tight and thick. Something about this walk through their past was kind of cathartic for her but at the same time it was bringing so much she'd kept locked away to the forefront of her mind and she had to think that it must be doing the same to him.
She couldn't believe that he was still sitting next to her and hadn't run away yet and she wouldn't push him any further than he was willing to go. Turning through the pages of Eva and then their war. "I'm not sorry for getting rid of her." Blair spoke almost absentmindedly.
Chuck laughed low in his throat, still aware of how very close she was; so close he could smell her shampoo. "Neither am I. I didn't really love her, I was using her to hide. I shouldn't have gone after you like I did."
Blair shrugged and continued looking at the photographs. "I'm sure I deserved it for something. Besides it led the best sex of my life." She added, completely serious.
Chuck laughed looking first at the copy of their contract that she had apparently kept then at photos from her birthday party - including one of nothing more than the piano. He felt his entire body tighten as he looked at that image - in truth it always did when he saw the piano that was still sitting downstairs - it had been a long time since he'd really thought about that night.
"What are you still doing here Chuck? I threw you out hours ago." Blair spoke as she noticed him lounging against the piano.
"I wanted to let you know the treaty is over." He responded, not sure he knew exactly what he was doing there. He knew how he felt, knew he was letting other emotions rage to keep those he wasn't allowed to express at bay; but what she'd said and done earlier had changed everything.
Coming to a stop a few feet in front of him, Blair could feel her heart beat quicken even as she forced a calm front. "Fine with me. This pretense of civility was exhausting."
Tilting his head he studied her, unsure whether or not he'd gotten under her skin yet. He knew to get anything real out of her he had to push her; he had to push her until her emotions overpowered her head. "Being amicable isn't in our blood. I've realized we're not friends, friends have to like each other. And after what happened tonight, I could never like you." He said, knowing that his words were nothing more than a front, a way to get by because in truth all he'd learned tonight was that it didn't matter what she'd done, his emotions where she was concerned would always be greater than like or dislike.
"I could never like you either." Blair cut in with a quick shake of her head. He didn't get to call these shots, not when he was the one who'd put her through everything he had last year; Eva be damned. "In fact I hate you." She spoke with an emphatic step forward even as electricity shot through her veins at his proximity.
Taking a step as well, Chuck's eyes became hooded. "I've never hated anyone more." He spat feeling the truth of the statement that there was a thin line between love and hate as much as he ever had before. In this case that line was nonexistent; love and hate were two sides of the same coin.
"Every nerve ending in my body is electrified by hatred." She replied, stepping even closer. It felt as though the air were so thick she could barely move yet there was a magnet that was almost dragging her through it; towards Chuck.
"There is a fiery pit of hatred burning inside of me," Chuck responded with yet another step towards her. "Ready to explode." He added knowing that what was inside of him closer resembled the other side of the coin from what he was claiming.
Blair lifted her eyebrows. "So it's settled then." Unsure what Chuck was about to do, and even less sure what she wanted him to do she didn't move. He was so close to her that she thought he could probably hear her heart racing beneath her chest. Every nerve ending in her body really was electrified to the point that the slightest sound or even breath seemed to cause her pain.
"We're settled." He responded immediately, meeting her gaze directly with a dangerous one of his own. Picking up the treaty he ripped it apart in his hands, watching her jump with the sound and movement. He noted the arch in her back, the tension of her neck and the sharp intake of breath that sounded the same way it did right before she came and couldn't do anything but what he was doing. As he threw it on the ground - the contract that stated that they couldn't touch one another - he was almost shocked that she hadn't turned and walked away.
Blair exhaled not 100% certain what she was still doing standing in front of him but knowing that not a bone in her body would have moved even if someone had been dragging her. The look in Chuck's gaze should be sending her running from the room, part danger, part anger, and all kinds of predatory. And she knew that in that moment that she was the lamb and he was the wolf and there would be no escape even if she wanted it.
Reaching forwards he fell to every one of his baser instincts, locking his arm around her neck. He knew that any other girl probably would have been scared out of their mind when you combined the look in his eyes with the hold he had on her but her gasp wasn't one of fear. Every ounce of tension, passion, and attraction he felt was reflected back at him and he knew that no matter the words coming from her mouth she wanted this as much as he did. And with one quick yank he slammed his mouth against hers.
Her mouth was open before she even reached his. She'd known what he was going to do the moment before he did it and for once her entire body seemed to be screaming in agreement as she threw her arms around him and kissed him like she had to do it to breathe.
Spinning her around, he couldn't control anything about the way he was touching her. There was a part of him that thought there was no way she'd ever let him lay a hand on her again and now with passion boiling over he could almost black out from the need to have her in every sense of the word. Lifting her he sat Blair on the piano and continued kissing her in a fluid motion, the tiny gasping sounds she was making against him only making him more eager to touch every piece of her.
Blair couldn't control herself as she gasped, pulling him ever closer as she hiked a leg around his hip and pulled him to her tightly. For one moment she wasn't thinking, she couldn't have formed a coherent thought if she'd tried. Pushing his suit back over his shoulders far enough to tell him what she wanted she gasped as he tore off his jacket and grasped her thigh, lifting her leg to his hip and tugging her so close that she thought she might melt. She worked at his belt as he practically tore off her garter, knowing her underwear was close behind.
Grasping her La Perla's Chuck tugged them down around her thighs, she lifted to allow removal but in the end he was cognizant of the fact that he'd ripped them off before returning his mouth to hers and kissing her with lips so hot they could burn. He wanted to brand himself on her, every bit of her, so that she never forgot what being with him felt like.
Chuck allowed his tongue to flick across his lips as the memory of that night assaulted him. When he finally spoke his voice was rougher than expected. "Sex was always great with you but I have to admit that I agree."
Both of them froze exchanging an awkward glance at what they'd admitted - knowing once more that they'd started down a very dangerous road. Chuck was a man who'd had a lot of sex, some of it really great and while Blair knew he'd always said that sex with her was the best sex of his life, she could hardly believe that he would still admit to it, especially now.
Running his fingers along the piano photo, he knew he couldn't keep thinking about it, he couldn't continue to remember what that moment had been like between them. Change the subject Chuck, just change the subject. Repeated like a mantra in his head, so he pounced on the first thing he could think of tilting his head towards her slightly. "Do you still write?"
"What do you mean?" Blair asked haltingly - that hadn't been what she'd expected him to say.
Chuck smirked to himself. "You know what I'm talking about Blair - those 'journals' of yours that you keep in the red box in the back of your closet."
Blair lifted her eyebrows, she hadn't been aware that Chuck knew about those and before she could ask he gave her a full on smirk.
"I'm Chuck Bass." He said simply.
Laughing Blair returned his smirk. "Do you? Still write, I mean. I don't know where you keep them now but you had quite the collection of journals of your own."
Chuck tipped his head back laughing low in his throat. "Of course you know about those."
"I'm Blair Waldorf." She supplied, her eyes twinkling.
Chuck nodded, his gaze meeting hers intensely. "Yes you are." Exhaling he blinked and looked back at his hands on her scrapbook. "But I wasn't asking so much about the journals as I was about what's in them. Do you still write songs? I haven't even heard you sing in so long."
Biting her lip Blair tilted her head towards his. "How long have you known about that?"
"Since always." Chuck replied, his words sounding as though that was an inevitability. "I never really remember not knowing that you sang. I used to hear you humming to yourself when we were kids. Then that turned into words. Sometimes I knew the words, sometimes I didn't. One day I realized you must be writing some of those words down so I went on a hunt to find where that was."
Blair furrowed her brow. "Wait I remember that. The day I caught you in my closet and you scrambled out saying you were looking for a place to take your next conquest."
Chuck nodded. "Quite the off the cuff explanation."
"We were 9." Blair supplied with a smile.
Shrugging Chuck smiled. "I was always quite the enterprising individual. Always planning for the future."
Blair couldn't hold back her laughter before looking back over at Chuck. "So you've known since then? How often did you look at them?"
At that Chuck actually blushed. For a moment he couldn't meet her eyes. Some of the songs she'd written were so personal. It was how he'd known the things she was feeling inside even when she'd never come close to admitting them. He'd like to think that at least a part of him had always known the Blair that was underneath - even without the songbooks. "As often as I could."
Pressing her lips together Blair thought about going to get the books from her closet but instead she shook her head. "No, I don't write anymore. Not for a couple of years."
"That's a shame." Chuck said his voice soft as he looked back down at the photos. "One of my favorite songs you ever wrote was during that time, actually everything you wrote that fall was really amazing."
Blair tilted her head to the side, sifting through her memories - or at least pretending to - because of course she knew the song he was talking about. There were really only two possibilities - Battlefield or One More Night. But she knew Chuck well enough to know which one he meant. "I used to sing One More Night over and over again in my head before I realized it was a song."
"How does that process usually work?" Chuck asked seriously.
Blair shrugged. "It depends. Sometimes I already know all the words by the time I write it down. Sometimes I know part of something or there's a feeling that I have that belongs in a song and I'll write that and then I'll come back to it when I know more, I might write twenty songs in between but I almost always come back eventually. That's why the book can feel out of order. It's rare but sometimes I'll get stuck on one, and I'll get this weird feeling like I have to finish it and I can't move on from it until I do."
"With Me?" Chuck responded, a question in his eyes. He was pretty sure she'd started it during the first time they'd gotten together but over the next few months every time he checked she was still on the same song. Things would be marked out, scribbled in the margins and it looked as though she'd ripped out at least 6 or so pages completely. But she didn't seem to move past that one song for a long time.
This time it was Blair who blushed. She didn't know why knowing that Chuck knew her so deeply embarrassed her. She wanted him to know everything about her but she felt retroactively embarrassed for her teenaged self that he'd known how fixated she'd been on that moment. "I couldn't get past it. It was about me you know. And it was about that feeling in that moment, like everything was right. And the more I pushed you away, the more I couldn't get through the song. I started it the morning of my 17th Birthday and I finished it the day after you compared me to one of your father's Arabians. That was the day I finally wrote the bridge. 'In front of your eyes it falls from the skies when you don't know what you're looking to find. In front of your eyes it falls from the skies when you just never know what you will find.'"
Chuck jolted backwards slightly at that memory - even though they'd already been through that today - her recalling the words of the song she'd written about it really fucked with his headspace. He understood the lyrics perfectly. The rest of the song was all about what she needed to keep, what she'd do anything not to let go of but the bridge was different. It was sad and he'd never known that before now. She hadn't known what she couldn't lose until she'd lost it because she hadn't recognized what she was looking for. Shaking his head, Chuck tried to pull himself out of the muck. "So what song did you write about that night?" He asked pointing to a photo taken of them at the Saints and Sinners party.
Blair looked down to see which picture he was looking at and had to hold back another blush. She hadn't written a song that night but she had that day. Thinking back to those lyrics she'd written - she thought she'd called it something stupid and sappy like 'Who You Love'. She was embarrassed now because she didn't want to admit just how close she'd been to slipping right back into their old relationship that night, and how much she'd wished she'd let herself. "I didn't." She said truthfully.
Chuck narrowed his gaze questioningly. He knew Blair well enough to know that she wasn't lying but she wasn't telling the truth either. Instead of pushing her he let her have that secret and shook his head, determination filling his voice when he did speak. "I should have fucking manned up and owned it when I told you I loved you that day."
Blair's head snapped to attention as her eyes widened - she knew that was the day they'd just been talking about but it shocked her that he would say that about that day of all days. "You mean the day of the Saints and Sinners party."
Chuck nodded quickly, looking over at her with a shrewd gaze. "I was scared you still hated me."
"It wouldn't have changed my decision that night." Blair said quietly, her voice could even be construed as kind.
Chuck grinned wryly. "Sure it would have, but thanks for saying so."
Blair smiled, unable to control the sadness that seemed to slip in. Trying to force those thoughts away she started turning the pages quickly - hoping for something happier, forgetting that spring of that year had not been a good time for them. "Then there was that whole Raina thing." She spoke scrunching her nose.
Chuck scoffed. "Like that's any worse than the Dan thing."
Blair visibly shuddered at the thought of Dan's mouth on hers. She loved her friend but what the hell had they ever been thinking. "Oh please don't remind me."
"Aren't you BFFs now?" Chuck asked with a smirk, noting the quickened speed of the conversation as though they were both trying to barrel through an emotional onslaught that had occurred with thoughts of that night on the piano. It was awkward and laced with an unspoken heat.
Blair smiled. "Of course we are, but even then it was like kissing my brother. It's not my fault he fell in love with me." She added with a laugh before shooting Chuck a loaded look. "Not that the kiss itself wasn't useful - it made me realize that he wasn't who I wanted to be kissing."
Chuck found himself forcing a smile as that heat seemed to pulse through him in waves. Her words had an effect on him he didn't like. As he turned the page, he still blamed the piano. "And then came Louis."
Blair swallowed tightly as she looked at a picture from the night Louis had proposed, then back up at Chuck's face to find that he was still staring at the picture intently, when he looked up the words that followed surprised her.
"Everything I ever did was because I was scared of losing you." He spoke, the words spilling from of him. "I only wanted you to be happy - preferably with me - but your happiness was all I cared about." As he spoke he shook his head feeling an almost dark honesty about his words, as he continued to speak he forced back a peal of laughter at the romantically naive notions he'd once held. "They say that's when you know it's real love, right? When all you want is for that person to be happy." Chuck could feel the tension throughout the room as he stared at her surprised eyes.
Blair couldn't look away. His words had sent a vibration through her all the way to her core and now she was completely lost in his gaze. She felt as if the entire room were pulsing and his eyes held something she hadn't seen there in ages; like they were penetrating straight through her. Leaning forwards slightly, she was shocked when he didn't move away from her. She flicked her gaze from his lips to his eyes and back again; her intentions were clear. He didn't move towards her but he hadn't moved away yet. Sliding her hand up his arm until it rested on the side of his face she made no attempts to hide exactly what she was doing. With one last gaze on his lips, she returned her eyes to his and pressed her lips softly on his own.
Chuck had known exactly what Blair had been about to do but at the same time he'd been completely frozen. He'd known that he shouldn't let her - the thought had consciously crossed his mind - but a part of him that he'd thought he'd been rid of long ago wouldn't let him move away. He had been so caught up in the moment, in the memories, that he couldn't seem to do so much as flinch. And then, the moment her lips had grazed his he'd felt a jolt throughout his entire body.
Picking up his hand he placed it against her face, not sure whether it was as leverage to pull away or for use to pull her closer. For a long moment he didn't move anything, not even his lips. As hers parted and she began to pull back only a fraction of a centimeter the hand at her neck found what it was there for and pulled her lips back to his. As he reciprocated the kiss he found his hand fisting in her hair, the other coming to join it as he faced her and pulled her closer.
Blair gasped against him as she felt the shift that caused the scrapbook to tumble off their twisted laps and onto the floor. Breaking away in shock she stared at him with wide eyes because the hell if that hadn't been the last reaction she'd expected.
Chuck's hands jerked back from her as though scalded, though he stared at her for a long moment unable to look away. So many thoughts were rushing through his mind that his breath was catching in his throat. His entire body, every inch of skin, every tiny nerve, was awake and in pain - a pain so strong he thought he might blackout completely.
"Breathe." Blair spoke softly, moving further away to give him the space she could see that he needed. Every bone in her body wanted to be touching him, wanted to press her lips back against his, wanted to push him on what had just happened until he shattered but she knew that that wouldn't help her today. With that she might win the battle but she'd never win him. And she didn't want him for one rough nostalgic fuck that he'd resent her for later, she wanted him for forever.
Inhaling sharply, Chuck looked away, her words had broken the spell of the moment. Though his mind was no clearer than it had been he no longer had to force himself from pouncing on her and taking her on the same comforter she'd had since high school. Bending down to pick up the scrapbook, he froze when he saw what page it was on; hating the rush of emotions he felt at what he looked at. "That's him, isn't it." He spoke, barely in control of his voice, close enough to losing control that Blair would be able to tell, even if she were the only one who could. He had seen Austin before but never so close up.
Blair could hear his voice change to a tone of utmost nonchalance and she could see the carefully controlled expression on his face, that to any outsider would have looked almost bored; but she could also see the slight crinkles at the corners of his eyes, the almost imperceptible flaring at his nostrils, and most telling of all the tightness of the muscles at his mouth. And without looking she knew what he was seeing - pictures of Austin. "Yes - that's Austin."
Hearing her say the other boy, well other man's, name dredged up a lot of emotion he'd rather not consider. "You look happy Blair." He spoke still looking at the photos. "You love him. I can see it in your eyes."
Blair turned to face him, sitting with one leg tucked, the other dangling. "Not the way that I love you." She spoke, her voice controlled. "I tried to pretend like it was the same." She tilted her head slightly as she thought about what she had done. "No, I tried to pretend that it was better. That no matter what I thought I wanted, the kind of love that Austin gave me was what I needed. I pretended that it was the kind of love that would make me happy."
Chuck shook his head, finally looking at her. "You look happy to me."
Blair exhaled. "I was...complacent." With a nod she continued. "I would never claim that I didn't love Austin; but the way that I love Austin is like a quiet walk in the park. It was easy, it was fun, it was everything I'd grown up thinking that I wanted. But it was never close to what I had with you."
This time it was Chuck who exhaled. "We had our chance, Blair. Don't throw away happiness just because you're curious about the what if's in your life; if you do then don't come here expecting me to do the same."
Blair felt a dubious laughter bubble up from beneath her calm exterior. "You weren't the only one here for that kiss. I might have kissed you first but that was not one sided. I know you felt what I felt." She knew her temper was beginning to run away from her but when he acted so damn nonchalant she couldn't not get riled because now that she knew there was something more than apathy there she couldn't walk away.
"Nostalgia at it's finest." Chuck replied quickly, cutting her off.
Blair shook her head quickly, reaching out a hand as though to touch his arm. "Chuck..."
Chuck reached out and placed a hand on her forearm, stopping her from touching him once more. "Please don't do this." Chuck bent down and picked up the book. He had planned to hand it to her then leave but as he was flipping it closed something slipped out. "What's this?" He asked, lifting the piece of paper and holding it up.
Blair's brow furrowed as she took the note from him.
"B, Growing apart doesn't change the fact that for years you grew together, your roots will always be tangled." Blair read before smiling slightly to herself. "So that's why the book was on the top of the box. I had wondered." She spoke mostly to herself.
"What?" Chuck asked confusion overriding his single-minded desire to get out of there.
Blair looked over at Chuck and gave a small smile. "Serena. She moved out. She and Nate are moving in together." She spoke bluntly before looking down at the book. "This was on top of a box of my things she said she found while she was moving. I think she wanted me to find this so that I would remember. She'd realized that I'd started to forget."
Tilting his head, Chuck tried to puzzle her out. It was strange that it was sometimes so hard for him to read her now. "Remember what?"
Blair turned back a page to the last one of the scrapbook. "What I lost the last time that I let you go."
Now that you can't have me
You suddenly want me
Chuck felt the burn at the back of his throat as he looked over at Blair. He didn't know how they'd gotten where they were right now. He'd been done before she'd come back, he'd finally been done. And her coming back hadn't changed anything - seeing her didn't fill him with an intense rush of passion or happiness - if anything he'd been a little angry, but honestly he hadn't felt much of anything at all.
Since then, nothing had changed with Gwen and all Blair had done was annoy him or piss him off. And yet sitting here right now he wasn't sure that he could deny that she was different, he couldn't say that Dan had been wrong, and he felt...something; which was a lot more than how he'd felt when she'd shown up again. His stare was still unwavering as his eyes searched hers, trying to see not what she was thinking, but to try to see himself reflected back.
Now that I'm with somebody else
You tell me you love me
Blair didn't break Chuck's gaze as he stared at her. She didn't know what he was doing, what he was looking for; but if it was something that was in her power to give him she would do it.
Chuck inhaled sharply realizing that he must have been holding his breath. The quick inhale combined with Blair's proximity caused the scent of Chanel Allure to flood his senses. Looking at her for an almost desperate moment Chuck jerked his head away running his hands quickly through his hair until they laced at the back of his neck. "Why now?" Chuck spoke, his words barely escaping his throat. "Why, when I'm finally, finally happy?"
Now that I finally moved on
You say that you've missed me all along
Blair knew this wasn't rhetorical - he actually wanted an answer from her - and more than that, she knew he deserved one. Standing she walked until she stood in front of him before dropping softly to her knees. "I thought that I could forget you."
Chuck looked up quickly, meeting her gaze with a look of surprise. He'd been so stuck in his own head that he hadn't noticed her move in front of him and the change of direction in her voice had startled him.
Placing her hands on his knees Blair shook her head. "I thought that I could be happy with a love that didn't hurt, that didn't consume, that didn't tear me to shreds. And I think that for a while I was. It was safe and it was easy and my heart...my heart was protected from all of it. But my heart was only safe because it had no chance of being broken."
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think I am?
Chuck watched her with wary eyes. He could feel the honesty of her words. At very least she believed what she was saying. Either that or she'd gotten better at lying to him; but after the Hamptons he could never be sure, he would never be sure of her again. "That didn't answer my question Blair...why now? After all of these years, why did you come back, guns loaded, ready to seduce if that's what it took or claw your way back in if that was more effective? Why did you wait until I had moved on? Until I was happy with someone else?"
Blair felt her heart skid for a moment as she blinked. His words caused her to roll back on her heels as she attempted to digest his meaning. He was at least in part insinuating that she'd purposefully waited until he had his life together to come tear it back to shreds. She wasn't sure why that surprised her after everything that she'd done to him, but it did. At the same time, she realized that the fact that he was asking this question meant that if it weren't for Gwen, if he weren't happy then things could have been different and that was far and away the largest confirmation he'd given her that somewhere inside of him he still cared.
You only loved to see me breaking
You only want me cause I'm taken
Chuck lifted his eyebrows at Blair's almost volatile reaction. Instantly, his mind began racing through the most likely scenarios. It was clear that he'd hit on a weak point for her, something in his words had triggered expressions on her face ranging from anguished to confused all the way to something strikingly similar to hope. "How do I know that you didn't come back just to try to ruin me all over again? You've roped me in just to get revenge before - that could be what you're trying to do now. Maybe you just want to watch me break and crumble for you all over again. Not to mention, you've always wanted most the thing you were told you couldn't have."
Blair's eyes snapped to his, noticing the almost crazed look that was reflected back at her. He was losing it - what 'it' was she wasn't quite sure but he was getting close to a panic. "You can't really think that. I didn't even know you were with Gwen." She spoke emphatically rocking to her feet.
You don't really want my heart
No, you just like to know you can
Chuck shrugged as he shook his head. "You knew about her when you came to see me, right after you got back." He could hear the shaky tone in his voice but he couldn't seem to iron it out. His mind was puzzling through a million different thoughts and emotions so quickly that he couldn't make sense of anything. It was on overload.
"Because I'd been to see Serena already!" Blair exclaimed. She was having difficulty processing the reality that he thought she was that vindictive. Realizing that getting angry would get her nowhere she exhaled and paused before him. After a long moment she walked and sat back down on the vanity where she'd first been sitting. "Chuck." She spoke quietly, waiting on him to give her his attention.
You'll be the one who gets it breaking
You only want me when I'm taken
Looking over at where she was now sitting Chuck felt everything in him slow down. She'd backed away, she wasn't pushing him. God damn it that just made things more confusing.
When she knew he was listening she sighed. "Do you remember what I was like when I first got here? I was a cocky little bitch who thought that I could give you a lap dance, expose my neck, and say I was sorry and then you'd be mine again. I didn't know things were serious with Gwen. God I thought that you'd never love another woman - I honestly didn't think you could."
As Chuck replied he knew his voice was unusually low. "If that's not it, then what was it? Why'd you wait?"
You're messing with my head
Girl, that's what you do best
She was a breath away from telling him about the wedding but when she opened her mouth to try she choked on her words. Something about that day caused a deep seeded humiliation within her. There was so much she could have done differently; but there was nothing she could change about it now and that made it irrelevant. "Because I didn't want to love you anymore. I didn't want the pain or the hurt; but I didn't realize for a long time that without the chance to get destroyed, I'd never have the chance to be completely happy. True elation only comes with the chance of misery because what if you lose the thing that gives your life meaning? What then?"
Blair looked at Chuck for a long moment before narrowing her eyes ever so slightly, she could see that he was thinking, that he was trying to understand her. "I'm going to keep talking because I think you're finally starting to get it. I knew that the loss was worth the risk long before I admitted it to myself but it was like I couldn't force myself to admit that what I had with Austin was never going to be enough. Yet the closer I got to the wedding date the worse things got. I was stressed out to the point of being physically ill, I knew I was turning into a psycho bitch, and I was crying myself to sleep almost every night."
Saying there's nothing you won't do
To get me to say yes
Blair inhaled, feeling the raggedness of her breath. She was laying out one of her most humiliating and vulnerable moments for him and there was a chance he would turn away. "But it wasn't until Dan sent me that stupid book that he was writing that I realized that I was the only one who didn't see that I was being a complete idiot. And a few days later I was sitting there, staring at my wedding guest list, writing, crossing out, and re-writing your name for hours and then Austin said something and it was like everything suddenly shattered. I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't pretend that everything was okay, that it would ever be okay. I left for New York on the redeye that night."
Chuck inhaled deeply as he thought over her words; his breathing was shaky when he finally exhaled. "Everyone gets cold feet Blair."
You're impossible to resist
But I wouldn't bet your heart on it
The words she wanted to say wouldn't leave her mouth - that was something they hadn't broached yet and now didn't feel like the time. Swallowing Blair instead forced herself to admit something that put her at her most vulnerable. "It wasn't just the stress that was making me sick Chuck, I was starting to make myself sick. I was spiraling. That's not just a bad case of cold feet."
Chuck felt the sting in his eyes that he knew meant his emotions were clawing their way to the surface. He wanted to walk over and pull her into his arms, he wanted to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay, but he couldn't do that. He hadn't been the one to break her, she'd broken herself.
It's like I'm finally awake
And you're just a beautiful mistake
Blair could see the battle of emotions going on within Chuck and knew on some level that he wasn't going to say what she wanted him to when she continued but she couldn't stop herself. "I've been engaged three times - four if you count my somewhat arranged marriage to Nathaniel - and only one time has the ring on my finger felt like something other than a noose around my neck."
"You're the one that always ties the rope Blair." Chuck spoke shaking his head before looking at her long and hard. "And honestly, I think you need that rope to tie you there; otherwise you cut and run."
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think I am?
A small gasp slipped past Blair's lips as her eyes connected with his. She wanted to deny what he'd just said but she wasn't sure that she could. He wasn't wrong. That metaphorical noose, threaded with the obligation she felt to who she was supposed to be and what she was supposed to want is what had always kept her steady in the past but what it had never done was make her truly happy.
Upon that realization she felt her lips shift into the smallest of smiles. "I cut and run because I've always been scared of being anything other than what I assumed I would be. I've always been scared not to have that rope there to catch me when I fall, even if it chokes me in the process."
You only loved to see me breaking
You only want me cause I'm taken
Chuck lifted his eyebrows in surprise. He had thought for sure that she'd either deny his last statement or burst into tears, the last thing he thought was that she'd admit to it and send it back around on him. "So what are you saying? That you're not scared anymore?" He spoke voice sparked with disbelief.
Blair shook her head, a trace of a smile still on her lips. "Like hell I'm not. Christ Chuck I'm more scared now than I've ever been in my life because I finally, finally, realized that the only thing that I can't live without - is you."
You don't really want my heart
No, you just like to know you can
Chuck felt it as his entire body clenched, his heart included; but he didn't want to think about it, he didn't want to feel any of this, he couldn't feel sorry for her or let her drag him back in. His spine straightened suddenly as his entire being filled with resolve. He was shutting this down. "I don't believe you."
She'd seen it in his eyes before he'd said a word; but that didn't stop the tone of his voice from sending chills down her spine. He'd flipped that switch of his again. The wall was back up but that didn't matter because she'd seen through his shield, if only for a few minutes. She knew there was still something there. "You will." She spoke with the smallest of smiles.
You'll be the one who gets it breaking
You only want me when I'm taken
Chuck exhaled, feeling a new rush of anger that he relished. It was easier than everything else. "You make that sound like a threat."
"It's not." Blair said quickly as she shook her head, she could see the look in his eyes, this wasn't going to end well and it was too late to steer it in any other direction now.
Smirking Chuck snapped his head towards her. "Maybe it should be."
Thank you for showing me
Who you are underneath
Blair shook her head, trying to cut in. "Chuck..."
But Chuck wasn't about to let her commandeer this conversation, not when he was finally hitting a groove. "No. No, I don't want to hear it anymore. You can't just come in here brandishing your "I'm sorrys" like a fucking sword and your doe eyes as a shield. That's not working, not this time. You've shown me who you really are underneath all of that and honestly a warning label would have been appreciated. I'm just glad I realized who you really are before you ruined me for good."
Blair felt the tears sting her eyes and stood about to walk from the room; she wouldn't let him see her break, she had to stay strong or he'd think she was manipulating him. But before she took two steps she realized that this was her room, she had nowhere to go.
Thank you, I don't need
Another heartless misery
Chuck reached out and grasped Blair's forearm, just hard enough to get her attention and turn her to face him. Bringing himself to his feet he shook his head. "No, you're not walking away this time. This time you're going to hear me say this and you're going to understand it."
Drawing closer to her, Chuck channeled whatever crazy store of anger he'd found and directed it straight at her. "I don't know what you expect me to do and god damn it I don't care. I still think you're manipulating me, I still think this is all a game to you, to see if you can get me back one last time; but I'm not falling for it again."
You think I'm doing this to make you jealous
And I know that you hate to hear this
But this is not about you anymore
Blair gasped at the fury she saw in his eyes, she knew he was building to something but this wasn't what she was expecting. It would have scared her if she hadn't seen right through the fiery façade to what was beneath. Chuck was off his game, his anger couldn't have been more hallow in that moment; but for today she'd let him have it.
"I'm not going to let you ruin what I have with Gwen. You've messed with my head long enough and my heart for longer than that." Chuck continued, feeling the forced anger roll from his body. "I get it now. You need my love as validation - you said it yourself earlier. You just like to know that you'll always have my heart to break."
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think I am?
She flinched slightly at his words, even as his close proximity had her heartbeat quickening. In that moment she couldn't be certain if he was going to kiss her or storm from the room. Either was a strong possibility.
Inhaling with self-gratification that he'd caused a crack in her shiny exterior with his last comment Chuck took a violent step backwards. "I'm done. I'm not yours to break anymore." Taking another step back Chuck shook his head and spoke again, his voice losing much of its fire. "I'm done. You can't do this again. It's not fair to either of us."
You only loved to see me breaking
You only want me cause I'm taken
"I love you." Blair repeated again. "I'm always going to love you; only you. You're my home Chuck, I just want to come home."
"I can't even tell you how many nights I sat by the phone praying you'd call and say those words and now I can't remember why I ever wanted to hear them." Chuck replied shaking his head.
Blair swallowed at the look she saw now in his eyes. She'd known the anger was manufactured but in the end she'd seen the smallest flicker of fear instead.
Now that you can't have me
You suddenly want me
Chuck turned from her quickly and walked towards her door with a purpose in his step. With his hand on the doorknob he turned his head, not far enough that he faced her, just far enough that he could see her in his periphery. "It was a Wednesday. The day I realized you weren't coming back. It was a Wednesday."
Before she could say anything, or figure out if there even was anything to say, Chuck had turned and marched from the room so quickly and quietly that she would have missed it if she'd blinked.
Chuck exhaled as he slid into the limo. That had not gone as expected, not in the least. Blair had fought him on unexpected points and let him go on at times when he would have thought she'd argue. That accompanied by the strange walk down memory lane and that damn kiss - it was no wonder his stomach was in knots. But none of that meant anything.
Dan hadn't been all wrong, he didn't hate Blair anymore. This person she was now, was likeable. But he'd been wrong about the fact that there was still something there, all that was left with Blair were his memories. Which is exactly what all that was...a memory. And he'd keep telling himself that as long as it took him to convince himself.
It was as he was riding back to his apartment that he realized he'd completely forgotten to ask Blair about Mr. Davidson. Normally it was something he'd brush aside but the fact that Blair lied about it was setting off alarms and then there was something about the name that seemed familiar, something that he couldn't quite ignore. "Mr. Davidson." He muttered quietly to himself, finding that the identity seemed to be stuck on the tip of his tongue - whoever he was, Chuck knew that it would bug him until he figured it out.
Hope you guys enjoyed this one.
Reviews are always appreciated.
xoxo
kate