I know I totally suck right now – my best friend got married this past weekend so I've been in wedding craziness back home for weeks. Not to mention works been nuts. Anyway enough about me! Here's the next update.
Also – as I mentioned in the last chapter a/n – for a bit Chapters 6 and 7 were accidentally the same – if this was the case when you read the fic 6 has now been updated to the correct text!
To my lovely reviewers: lovetvtoomuchxo, BlairAndChuckGG, ChuckBlair08lover, Eva-90, Moonflower26, Chuckedlikeabass, Izzie, CarolinaGirlGG, Michii, Carolinagirl21, LovelyLydia, Ellie, May, and my guest reviewers - y'all are awesome as always. I think I replied to most of you – if I missed any of them it's because I'm working on the assumption that you'd rather have a new chapter than a reply from me. Though if it was a pressing review/question/concern ping me again
To my beta: kosoul7 – you rock! Seriously what would I do without you?
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Especially not the lyrics to Want U Back by Cher Loyd or Love Don't Die by The Fray (which are both used below).
Chapter 15: Fight For It
He couldn't seem to break her gaze, it was so intense, so warm, and so...cautious. Maybe he shouldn't have said what he had, it was a bad idea to even suggest that he might still care but something had forced him to be honest. He saw her moving closer and knew he should move away but he felt frozen in stone.
Now her eyes were flickering from his lips to his eyes and back again. She was touching him, she had a hand on his arm, now on his face. She was going to kiss him and he wasn't moving. He should be moving.
Her lips were so soft, the kiss so chaste. But the moment they had touched his own he had felt a jolt through his entire body, it was electric and weighted with so much emotional heft and physical connection, it felt akin to slamming into a cement wall. He moved his hand to her neck for no apparent reason, maybe to push her away, maybe to pull her closer.
For a long moment he didn't move anything, not even his lips, he wasn't sure that he could have. But as hers parted and she began to pull back only a fraction of a centimeter the hand at her neck found what it was there for and pulled her lips back to his. As he reciprocated the kiss he found his hand fisting in her hair, the other coming to join it as he faced her and pulled her closer. He could feel his body electrifying in ways it shouldn't as he tasted her, as her body molded against his, something inside of him felt as though it were shattering or maybe as though it were coming together.
"That was a good movie." Gwen said with a smile as she turned her head and placed a kiss on the side of his mouth.
Chuck looked down at her then quickly away, guilt coursing through him over the fact that he couldn't remember a single scene from the movie - hell he wasn't even sure what they'd been watching. That one of the main characters had chocolate curls and red lips and from the moment she'd walked on he could think of nothing but Blair's lips, nothing but that kiss. "Yeah definitely."
Gwen lifted her eyebrows and smirked, immediately suspicious. That was not Chuck's type of movie at all, in fact she'd been surprised as hell that he hadn't wanted to change it fifteen minutes in. "Really? What was your favorite part?"
Chuck felt a blush rise to his cheeks knowing he'd been caught. The only plotline he'd remembered at all was something depressing about rehab and a bird, then there'd been a lot of country singing. Gwen would never believe him if he tried to lie. Sighing he shook his head. "Sorry I'm just preoccupied."
Gwen furrowed her brow in concern. "Everything with work going okay?"
Chuck nodded feeling even more guilty at the sweetness in her expression. Gwen was rarely someone to be considered sweet but the concern in her gaze warranted no other word. Nate and Dan were both right, Gwen deserved more than the half baked version of himself; he was bound to start giving away more and more of if he didn't figure his shit out soon. He had stopped it though, he had stopped what was going on with Blair and walked out. He'd made his decision that day and the next and he'd make it every day after that. One stupid kiss was completely insignificant and it was time to put it behind them. "Work's fine. There's just a lot going on right now."
Gwen nodded, she knew Chuck was busy but the look in his eyes told her it was something else. Whatever was going on he didn't seem to want to open up about it so she wasn't going to press it tonight. "I can't stay much longer tonight, I have an early morning tomorrow."
He shouldn't even waste a moment thinking about Blair when he had Gwen - she was the most amazing woman in the world, not even Blair could compare to everything Gwen had accomplished and been through. And he loved her. He loved her like nothing he'd ever felt before and it was time to start proving that to everyone. "Stay" He spoke, letting his voice drop lower as he nuzzled her neck.
"Chuck..." Gwen started as his hand drifted up her thigh, under her skirt, and into her panties. This was an unexpected turn, perhaps this is what he'd been so preoccupied with during the movie. "I shouldn't."
"But you want to." He spoke against her neck as he kissed up her jawline. This was right. This is where he was supposed to be and who he was supposed to be with.
Sighing Gwen relaxed into him, knowing she was going to give in only moments before she did. "Well, if I'm staying I'll need to go to bed immediately so that I can get up extra early to get to the office."
Smirking Chuck slipped his hands under her and lifted her into his arms, standing as he did. "I have no arguments there."
Laughing Gwen tossed her arms around his neck and looked up at his eyes now bright with mischief. "I love you." She spoke, almost unintentionally.
Chuck smiled back down at her, feeling the truth of her words wash through him. It was so curious to him how she threw those words around, to her hairdresser, to her personal assistant, he'd even heard her say to sales clerk and yet every time she said it to him it sounded completely different. In that moment he was struck by just how he was going to prove how right this was. "What are you doing tomorrow night?"
Gwen tilted her head and smiled curiously. "Well I have a board meeting to talk about that unfortunate incidence with the dancer at Fleur de Lis in Paris but it should be over around 6 or so."
"Have dinner with me tomorrow night at 8?" Chuck asked reaching his bedroom and laying her down on the bed gently, drawing his body over hers as he did.
Gwen's smile brightened from the confused one that had been in its place moments before. Laying back she tugged his tie, bringing him back with her. "I can do 8." She spoke before kissing him. "Should I just meet you at the restaurant?"
Chuck shook his head as he gazed into her honey brown eyes, his elbow propping him up over her. "I'll pick you up at your apartment." Stroking a piece of blonde hair that had already fallen out of its place in her bun, he froze for a moment staring at its color, after this there would be no going back. Reaching behind her he loosened the bun and let her blond locks spread across the pillow, overwhelming his vision.
Gwen wasn't sure what Chuck was doing but she could see the almost confused intensity in his eyes and wasn't about to break away. There was a determination there that almost scared her, she had the strangest feeling that their relationship was at a turning point and she had zero control over which direction it went.
Running his fingers through her blonde hair and focusing on the delicate features of her face, Chuck stared into her eyes. "I love you." He spoke, voice filled with sincerity. "More than I ever thought I could love anyone." Again. He thought to himself, cursing himself even as he did it. He shook it off as he placed a light kiss on her lips. He'd left, he'd always leave.
Immediately tears sprung to her eyes at his earnestness. Tilting her head up she captured his lips with hers and pulled him into her. She wasn't sure she'd ever feel this safe or this loved with anyone. She didn't know that she could be this happy.
"Blair, are you in here?" Serena called as she walked down the hallway of Blair's apartment. It was weird being back in the apartment - it had only been about a week since she and Nate had moved in together but it felt like she'd been gone longer than that. There was a part of her that felt like she was abandoning Blair in her time of need. She knew very well how lonely this apartment could be; but part of her knew that Blair was in a place right now where she might just need her space.
"In the bathroom" Blair called as she ran the straightener over another set of her usually curly locks. She and Serena were going out tonight and she was going to have a good time. She needed a break from all of this, so in typical Blair Waldorf fashion she was going all out.
Stepping around the corner she spotted Blair and almost tripped she was so startled. "Oh my God!" Serena exclaimed as her eyes went up and down her best friend's body.
"You like?" Blair said with a small smirk as she put down the straightener and gave a little spin, showing off her dress, her tanned legs, and a pair of towering stilettos.
Eyes wide, Serena felt her mouth slip open. "Who are you and what have you done with Blair Waldorf?" She had to blink a few times to make sure she wasn't imagining things, but sure enough Blair was standing before her in a tiny black dress with tasteful cutouts, thick straightened locks, and a pair of strappy stilettos that looked like they'd been jacked from Serena's closet.
Laughing, Blair went back to straightening her hair. "Well for one, this is a Balenciaga I picked up at Barneys a few days ago. The shoes I borrowed from a box of things you hadn't picked up yet. Hope you don't mind."
"Of course." Serena spoke still awestruck. "I've never seen you dress like this."
"Sure you have." Blair spoke with a laugh. "It's not like I was a nun in high school."
Serena nodded dumbly, knowing that Blair was right but it had been so long since she'd seen Blair go anywhere close to all out. "I know, it's just this is a whole new level from what I was expecting."
Smiling Blair nodded. "Trust me, I know. I might have picked up a few tricks from being in a sorority. And tonight I'm determined to let loose and have some fun." She added with a bright smile. Serena had never been able to see through her façade growing up and while Serena was more grounded now, Blair was better than ever at hiding what she was really feeling. "I need to forget everything for a night."
Serena sat down on Blair's bed, leaning against the footboard as Blair put down the straightener and moved to the vanity. "Chuck's still avoiding you I take it." Serena stated knowingly.
Blair sighed, she hadn't actually told Serena what had happened last week with the scrapbook and the kiss or the argument that had followed. But that didn't mean that it hadn't been occupying her thoughts. And from the way Chuck had been behaving she could tell it had been occupying his as well. "Actually it's been the opposite. He's been everywhere."
Serena sat up straighter and lifted her eyebrows. "Since when?"
Blair met Serena's gaze in the mirror and spoke nonchalantly. "Since he stopped by the other day."
"And..." Serena said leadingly, tucking her legs together under her and turning to face Blair.
"And we talked." She started before letting out the air she was holding in and turning her head over her shoulder. "For a few hours."
Serena felt a small smirk starting to rise to her face as she shook her head. It was starting to look like Blair was right about Chuck still having feelings for her. He'd avoided her for weeks then dropped in and had a conversation that lasted multiple hours, that wasn't what she thought of as being over someone. She almost said as much but she saw a lingering something behind Blair's gaze. "What aren't you telling me?"
Blair wanted to laugh, somehow she'd let her guard down just enough that Serena could see she still holding something back. "He admitted that even though me coming back made his life harder, his world isn't the same without me in it."
Serena shook her head, she knew Blair still wasn't giving her everything - contrary to what Blair happened to think, when Serena wasn't caught up in problems of her own she was pretty good at figuring out when Blair was hiding something. So she echoed her earlier prompting. "And..."
Turning all the way around on the vanity Blair met Serena's gaze head on. "In a particularly intimate moment, when Chuck was being more honest with me than he may have ever been I kissed him."
"BLAIR!" Serena shouted twisting her feet until she was sitting on the very edge of the bed feet on the floor.
"No." Blair cut her off. "You don't get to get all high and mighty on me with this one. I know he has a girlfriend. My kiss was practically innocent; light, closed lipped, brief. Chuck is the one who grasped my face and pulled me back into him, he's the one who practically drug me into his lap, and then he's the one who ended it."
Sighing Serena shook her head - she honestly thought that Chuck had gotten over Blair, she definitely never thought that it would come to this. "I don't get it. Why would he put himself around at every opportunity if he was even possibly tempted by you when he's worked so hard to keep you away. Besides how was this not the first thing out of your mouth when I asked what had changed?"
Responding quickly Blair flipped around and went back to finishing her makeup. "Because I'm not sure that's what did. We had this fight afterwards, at least I think it was a fight. He was so quietly angry and we were both so intensely emotional. And I think that might be what changed things. I think he's trying to prove to himself and maybe to everyone else how over me he really is."
Serena furrowed her brow. "But if that's the case, wouldn't he just propose to Gwen?"
At that Blair smirked a bit at her reflection. "That he hasn't yet is what has kept me sane the past few days. There's a part of me that just knows that as desperate as he is to prove himself, he would have already done it if he'd let go of us."
Serena was about to cut in but Blair shook her head and frowned. "Then there's this other part of me that thinks the opposite. That thinks that he's refusing to propose to her simply because he doesn't want to anyone to misconstrue that he's doing it for anything other than the right reason. Which would mean that he really is over me."
Exhaling Serena realized she was about to verbally take a side in all of this, something she wasn't sure was the right move. But the look in Blair's eyes was scaring her a little bit. "Blair, think about Chuck, don't try to rationalize it just ask yourself what Chuck would do if he were over you."
Blair's brow furrowed in thought as she turned Serena's words over in her head. "If Chuck were over me he wouldn't give a damn what anyone thought, he would do what he wanted to hell with everyone else. If he were over me he would have already proposed."
"Exactly." Serena replied reassuringly. "I'm still not saying this is a fight you're going to win, but I am agreeing with you that Chuck's not over you, not even close."
Blair took a shaky inhale, dipping her head and letting it shake before looking back up, trying to hide the vulnerability she knew would be in her voice when she spoke. "I don't know what I'm going to do if I fail. I can't conceive a life where I know I've lost him. Not now when I know for certain that I'll never be happy with someone else."
"Okay." Serena spoke standing up. "Enough mopping, I'm turning on some music." Walking over to Blair's bedside table she hooked in her iPhone to Blair's speakers and pressed shuffle on her party playlist. "Tonight we're going out and we're going to have fun. Chuck be damned."
Blair laughed as she looked over at Serena, the blonde did always find a way to cheer her up eventually. And tonight she knew she was going to need it.
Serena smiled at the song that had come up. "Oh perfect song." Before spinning around as the music started.
Ungh
Mm Yeah
LaLalalalahaha
Ungh
Blair furrowed her brow as the song started, the smile slipping off her face. She didn't listen to the radio much but this song sounded so familiar. And it was seriously causing her to feel uncomfortable.
Hey, boy you never had much game
Thought I needed to upgrade
So I went and walked away wayway
Ungh!
"Dance with me Blair." Serena said still spinning around Blair's bedroom as she rocked out to the Cher Lloyd song. "Seriously this should be your anthem right now."
Now, I see you've been hanging out
With that other girl in town
Looking like a pair of clowns clowns clowns
Ungh!
"No." Blair whispered to herself as she recognized the song. This shouldn't be her anthem, this is what Chuck thought about her, this is what everyone thought. That she'd come back because he was with someone else. That she wanted him because he was with someone else.
Remember all the things that you and I did first?
And now you're doing them with her
Remember all the things that you and I did first?
You got me, got me like this: Ungh!
She didn't just want him because she couldn't have him. That wasn't true. She didn't just want him because he'd found a way to be happy without her. That wasn't true either - actually it was the furthest thing from the truth she could imagine. It was because he was so happy that she almost walked away - that she almost thought she should leave him alone.
And now you're taking her to every restaurant
And everywhere we went, come on!
And now you're taking her to every restaurant
You got me, got me like this:Ungh!
"Blair, I said dance with me." Serena said impetuously as she stopped in front of her friend and extended a hand. Blair wasn't even looking at her. "Blair. Earth to Blair."
Blair knew Serena was talking to her but she was so busy trying to block out the song, trying to think of a way to convince Chuck that this wasn't why she was back that she didn't even turn her head. She knew Chuck wasn't the only one who thought this, especially if Serena thought this should be her "anthem." But Chuck's opinion was the only one she really cared about.
Boy you can say anything you wanna
I don't give a shh, no one else can have ya
I want u back, I want you back
Wa-want you, want you back
Ungh!
"BLAIR!" Serena finally shouted to get her friend's attention; but as Blair's head snapped to hers, she jumped at the look in Blair's eyes. It had been a long time since she'd seen a look so seemingly devastated yet utterly determined and stunningly dangerous on Blair's face.
"Turn it off." Blair spoke, her voice sounding raw to her ears. When Serena didn't move, just stood there Blair spoke again. "I said turn it off!"
I broke it off thinking you'd be cryin'
Now I feel like shh looking at you flyin'
I want u back, I want you back
Wa-want you, want you back
Ungh!
Serena flinched at the ire in Blair's voice but she couldn't help but question what had just happened. Blair's mood today had swung to both sides of the pendulum and she was starting to get seriously worried. "Why Blair? I thought of all songs this would be one you would appreciate."
"Of course you'd think that." Blair spat as she stood. "I'll turn the damn thing off myself."
Please, this ain't even jealousy
She ain't got a thing on me
Tryin' to rock them ug-a-ly je-
Instead of turning it off Blair jerked the iphone out of the dock and flung it onto her bed. "I am sick and tired of people thinking I came back here to ruin Chuck's life. That I came back here because he was happy without me. Nate thinks it, Chuck thinks it, you clearly think it, and to some extent even Dan believes it even if he would never admit that to me. Hell you all believe it so much that I'm even starting to question it myself."
Serena swallowed, she could feel the emotions coming off Blair like warning signs. She'd been holding this back. But something about this song had completely set her off. Chuck must have said something during their argument. He must have accused her of only wanting him because she'd seen him happy with someone else. Serena remembered the lyrics of the song and instantly felt awful. "I am so sorry Blair, I really didn't realize."
Deflating Blair exhaled. "I shouldn't have gone off on you like that. I'm just on edge because of some things Chuck said. I didn't come back because I was jealous. If I really believed that he'd be happy without me I'd walk away. I swear to God I would but I can't believe that. I can't."
Serena nodded. "I'm really starting to believe you." Exhaling Serena looked down at the floor before looking back at Blair. Blair was being so honest with her that she knew she had to do the same.
"I didn't want to believe that you two were supposed to be together." Serena spoke quickly afraid that she wouldn't say it at all if she didn't say it right now.
"Especially after what I did, after what I said back then, I think I was the least supportive best friend I could possibly be. So I've been fighting hard to think that he belongs with her, that you weren't meant to be because I felt guilty. But the way you talk about him, I know that at very least for you he's who you're always going to want. And I'm sorry."
Blair inhaled slowly, unsure of what to say. There were a variety of ways that she could respond but none of them could change anything so instead she did something she had avoided doing recently and told a little white lie. "Thanks for your support. But honestly I've got no clue what you're talking about - you don't have anything to feel guilty for. I freaked out because things were too serious with Chuck when we were too young and I ran off. End of story. Now I'm paying the price for being such a stupid little child."
Serena tilted her head surprised. She'd always thought...for so many years that she had influenced Blair's decision. She'd felt so guilty. Hearing Blair say that it had nothing to do with her lifted a huge weight from her chest.
Smiling Blair sat down next to Serena on the bed. "But you are right about one thing, he's the only one I'm ever going to want. The kind of love that I feel for him doesn't quiet, doesn't expire, doesn't go away. No matter how hard I tried to make it. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that."
Reaching behind her for her phone Serena started scrolling through her song list as the slight smile that had appeared on her face at Blair's revelation began to grow. "This time I really do have the perfect song."
"Uh oh, I don't know how I feel about this." Blair spoke stalling Serena's hand as she reached for the speakers.
Serena smiled brightly at her best friend. "Don't worry. I know I'm right this time."
That statement did not stop Blair from worrying as Serena pressed play.
If I know one thing, that's true
Itain'twhat you say, it's what you do
And you don't say much, yeah, that's true
But I listen when you do
A thousand years go by
But love don't die
Blair could feel herself begin to move with the beat of the song almost without thinking about it. Her brow was still furrowed but at least the song wasn't proclaiming her jealousy yet.
If I know one thing, that's true
It's that I'm never leaving you
And you don't say much, yeah, that's true
But I lose it when you do
Don't let them tell no lie
Love don't die
Slowly her smile was slipping back onto her face. Serena really was right this time. Every time Chuck spoke to her now she lost it a little trying to figure him out. Yet there was nothing he could say to her ever again that would make her leave him, nothing.
No matter where we go
Or even if we don't
And even if they try
They'll never take my body from your side
Love don't die
Now she could feel herself do more than move to the music, she was standing and pulling Serena up with her. "Now this is my kind of anthem."
If there is one thing, that's true
It's not what I say, it's what I do
And I say too much, yeah, that's true
So just listen to what I do
A thousand years go by
But love don't die
Serena laughed as Blair spun her before twisting under her arm and hopping onto her bed still in heels. She watched as Blair threw herself into the song completely losing herself in the lyrics.
No matter where we go
Or even if we don't
And even if they try
They'll never take my body from your side
Love don't die
Blair completely let go and felt every word of the song as though she'd written it herself. She knew that it was true, no matter what she said, Chuck wasn't going to hear her until he saw her mean it. She couldn't let go, she couldn't back down. Backing away now wasn't the answer. She had to let him see that no matter what he said or did she wasn't going anywhere.
You can break it up
Shake your money down
You can box it in
Bury it in the ground
She loved him, she loved him with every fiber of her being, with every ligament in her body, and with every single beat of what most people thought was a frozen heart. And there was nothing, nothing that could be done to turn this off. She had tried every way in the world but she wasn't going to try anymore, not again.
You can close it off and turn it away
Try to keep it down, six feet in the ground
But love don't die
And she wasn't going to let him do it either. Because she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it couldn't be killed, couldn't be buried, couldn't be eliminated. What they had was forever and she would fight to prove that until she reminded Chuck once and for all that what they had would never go away, that they were inevitable, that being with anyone else was just prolonging the pain that they felt when they weren't together.
No matter where we go
Or even if we don't
And even if they try
They'll never take my body from your side
Love don't die
Serena watched Blair again, now that the song was nearing its end. Something was different, she could see that immediately. She had let go of a very big weight that had been holding her down. She was looser, freer, and lighter with every movement. The lines that had been tight around her eyes had loosened significantly. Something had changed.
No matter where we go
Or even if we don't
I'd like to watch them try
They'll never take my body from your side
Love don't die
Smirking at the line that said "I'd like to watch them try" Blair couldn't help but think about just how true she was going to make that last line. Opening her eyes she smiled down at Serena, watching as the blonde's eyebrows lifted in surprise.
"You're different." Serena spoke immediately, noticing a fire in Blair's gaze. "And you have a plan."
Blair's smirk widened. "Maybe not a plan. But I'm Blair Waldorf and that's all the plan I really need. I've been on the defensive ever since I found out about Gwen. Defending my right to be here, my right to want him, my right to fight for what I want. But all that time I was letting other people define those parameters. I was telling myself that I had to convince everyone that I belong in Chuck's life - but I'm not sure that I believed it myself. Now I do. And anyone who tries to stop me from proving to Chuck just how undeniable our love is is going to want to get out of my way because I'm not slowing down for anyone. Not anymore."
Serena smiled. This was the Blair she'd been expecting to come out from the start. Not the almost timid imitation of her friend. It wasn't that Blair wasn't mature now, wasn't a grown up. Serena believed Blair when she said that wasn't an act but she also knew that Blair hadn't really been fighting, she'd been holding back. And now she knew why - Blair hadn't yet allowed herself to believe that she should be with Chuck. Now she did. And Serena was glad that she was on this side of the line that Blair was going to be drawing in the sand. Because Blair, the master of all wars, was back. "It's about damn time."
Blair smiled brightly and flopped down onto the bed. Now she really could celebrate tonight because she finally knew that she was going to win this thing, whatever it took.
Reviews are always appreciated.
Xoxo
Kate