Longest intro ever – read it or don't it's up to you But this intro will give you a bit of insight into this fanfic.
Okay so before you read - I call this chapter the anchor. Parts of it have been written for YEARS (I started writing this particular chapter the day after I heard the song Jar of Hearts on So You Think You Can Dance – which is where the song premiered). SO that was way back in 2010 – summer between seasons 3 and 4. It was supposed to be a oneshot, Blair and Chuck had gotten engaged but she'd left and come back to find that he's happy with someone else and doesn't want to be with her anymore. One of my former avid reviewers/friends, was distraught over the fact that Chuck is always made to be the bad guy in fanfics so she begged and begged and then I heard this song and it inspired me. But then as I wrote it I couldn't help but build out the backstory and that's how this fanfic was born, it took so long I pushed out the date Blair left. The chapter itself has definitely evolved over time to match changes to the fic but it's always been the core of the story.
There are several HUGE revelations in this chapter including the identity of the elusive Mr. Davidson. As well as a big flashback scene that we've already "seen" before. The first time this scene was in the story the character retelling the scene left out a few things…a few really really big things…and now we get to see what actually happened.
To those who've reviewed: 2388, iALLIEgator, thealluretodarkness, Moonflower26, Nelson0987, Sharryy, beblobs, geekinthepink23, Bea, Joy, Alisha, Michii, Silentwhisperss, IBass, CarolinaGirlGG, eckomoon, may21 and all my lovely guest reviewers. If you've been with me since the start – thanks for coming back; if you're new to the story – welcome!
To my beta: kosoul7 you are a total rockstar – thank you.
Rated: HIGH T for language on this one.
Disclaimer: I own nothing – especially not the song in use: Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri
And without further ado…
Chapter 17: Not Worth The Pain
Chuck found himself pacing the apartment as he waited on Blair to get there. He'd started out in his office trying to get some work done but it had proved pointless as he was checking the clock every few minutes – honestly it sometimes felt like it was going in reverse. Finally given up he'd decided to make some coffee but that had just put him further on edge. He needed to get this over with. Once he had, everything could start moving forward until then they were all just stuck in this endless cycle.
At nine o'clock he just couldn't take it anymore. He felt like he was going to combust. Grabbing his keys and wallet he called Arthur and asked him to bring the limo around. At first it felt good to be doing something, to be moving towards the end - his nerves were settled for the first time all morning. But he could hear the slow dull throb of his heart through his whole body and an overwhelming nausea as he moved closer to her apartment. By the time the limo was pulling up outside it was almost nine thirty and he was breaking into a sweat.
She might have already left. He told himself as he stared at her building, trying to remember now why he'd thought coming here was a good idea. Or maybe she wasn't even awake yet. He shouldn't wake her. Just as he was about to instruct Arthur to head back to the New Yorker his eyes found her window and he saw the slight outline of a shadow behind the almost sheer drapery.
Chuck looked up at her window for a long moment. It was a large building and a large apartment, with more windows than he could count but he still knew which one was hers. He'd known her window since he was an adolescent, first fantasizing about a time she might look at him the way she looked at Nate, later practically stalking her in his inability to shake his fixation especially once he'd had her. Then definitely stalking her throughout the ups and downs of their relationship. Every once in a while Harold or Dorota would notice him and shoe him away but usually they ignored it if they noticed at all.
Sometimes when it was really good with them and he just wanted to be near her he'd have one of his drivers bring the limo to her apartment in the middle of the night when it was too late to wake her but he just needed to feel close to her. And when she left. When she left he spent night after night starting at that window, hoping that maybe a light would turn on, maybe she'd come back. She never did.
With that memory firm in his brain, he opened the door of the limo and walked into her building. The strangeness he'd felt on the way to her apartment had abated completely and now he just felt cold. He heard the doorman call out his name but he barely acknowledged it other than to call out that he was here to see Blair. They knew him, they wouldn't stop him.
There was a steeliness about him now that felt reassuring as he walked out into her apartment for the second time in only a few weeks. He stood in the foyer waiting; he knew Blair would hear the chime of the elevator and come out of her room to see who was here assuming someone from the front desk hadn't called up to tell her already.
When she walked out at the top of the staircase, tying the ties of her negligee he knew it was the latter. Even Blair wouldn't answer the door in underwear without knowing who it was. Seeing her so uncovered was a bit of a shock to his system and some of that steeliness immediately began to fade. It wasn't really seeing her in so few clothes - he'd seen that the first week she'd come back at Victrola - she was wearing barely any makeup, she hadn't really fixed her hair, and she was wearing an old style of La Perla negligee he knew she loved. This was Blair as stripped as you ever really got her.
"Chuck" Blair spoke, with a small tight smile. "I thought I was meeting you at 11." She added, starting to walk down the staircase. She hadn't been expecting this. She'd been up for a few hours but she'd just started getting ready. The bad feeling she had in her stomach since their conversation last night was magnifying by the moment.
Chuck swallowed as he stared at her. Damn she looked good for a girl who'd been as drunk as she had been 7 or so hours ago. And that lingerie brought back more memories than he wanted to admit. The look on her face confused him though - she looked like a woman heading to her execution - which was strange unless someone had told her what he was planning to do. But even then she had the strangest openness in her eyes, as though she wouldn't hide anything from him. "Have you spoken to Dan or Nate this morning?"
Blair shook her head, her eyebrows drawing together in confusion. "No." She replied simply. Her heartbeat was picking up speed like she was on a high-speed rollercoaster.
"Oh." Chuck responded, swallowing tightly. His whole body felt stiff. He knew what he needed to say but he didn't know how to begin and the way she was looking at him...it was threatening to break through the cool calmness he'd found only moments earlier.
Blair walked over to where Chuck was standing, careful not to touch him, she made enough of a gesture to draw him into the living room. As she did she waited to see if he would sit down, knowing when he didn't that she was right, this was bad and that realization filled her with an almost paralyzing agony.
Chuck moved to the piano, running his fingers along the top of the keys before gripping the side and turning back to look at Blair. She looked like she was in physical pain as she stood only five or so feet away and he hadn't even said anything yet.
Everything inside of her was raging together and she almost couldn't contain it - she wanted to scream, she wanted to fight, she wanted to push him down onto the couch and kiss him - but there was nothing she could do. Placing her hands on the back of a chair she looked down and inhaled before speaking quickly - throwing caution to the wind. "Whatever it is Chuck, please just go ahead and say it. This is killing me." She spoke, her voice breaking on her last few words.
"I'm asking Gwen to marry me tonight." Chuck spoke, his words firm even though something inside him felt completely empty. He saw Blair's shoulders tighten while he was speaking and her fingers dig so hard into the frame of the chair she was standing behind that he thought it might break. As he finished her neck snapped up and her eyes connected with his - eyes that screamed of betrayal. And for the first time in a very long time he felt the unbelievable pain that Blair could cause him with the force of her emotions.
Blair knew her heart must be beating, it had to be because she hadn't fallen over dead but she couldn't hear it, she couldn't feel it. There was only nothingness as she stared at Chuck, the words he'd said looping over and over through her head. And then with a loud thump her heart beat resumed so loudly that she was sure that he could hear it. "Don't do this." She spoke, even though her voice didn't sound like her own. She had no sense of time, she didn't know if she were frozen or if hours had passed without him replying. "Chuck...please, don't do this."
Chuck looked on, pained by the emotional agony clear in every muscle in her body. For a moment he'd thought she was going to crumble, she looked so completely unsteady, but instead she'd spoken strained words that seemed to echo within him. "You can't be surprised by this Blair. I told you weeks ago that I was planning to propose to her before you got here."
Still clutching the back of the chair, Blair forced strength behind her voice. This wasn't over, he was telling her; she still had a chance. "But you didn't propose for a reason."
"And that reason wasn't because of feelings for you Blair; it was because of feelings about you." Chuck responded defiantly.
Blair shook her head. "You have to be delusional if you think I believe that."
Chuck exhaled. "If you don't want to believe me that's fine. But that changes nothing." Chuck met her gaze trying to convey compassion because he was starting to learn that to Blair, anger meant he didn't mean what he said. "I am in love with Gwen. I want to spend my life with her." When Blair's gaze stayed hyper focused he felt his frustration creep in. "We've had this conversation before."
"And every time you're less convincing." Blair quickly supplied, refusing to break his gaze for even a moment.
"Part of me thinks that's why you're not taking me seriously." Chuck spoke almost dismissively as he shook his head. "I keep telling you things but at some point I have to show you that I mean my words or they're empty."
The panic that had been flooding her system was quickly turning to anger as their conversation continued. "That's my point Chuck. This is reactionary. You're not proposing to her because you want to be with her, you're doing it to prove that you don't want to be with me."
"Now you just sound bitter." Chuck snapped. "Why can't you just accept the fact that I've moved on."
"Because you haven't." Blair replied just as quickly.
"God damn it Blair, I'm not in love with you anymore." Chuck urged. The words pulling from him like a mantra that had been said too many times it was almost rote. Now they just seemed to burst from him on cue. "The part of me that used to be yours died a long time ago and now I belong to someone else. I can't love someone like you anymore."
No I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
Blair shook her head as her fingers released the back of the chair instantly at his words - something about the force behind them had startled her. "Chuck, you don't have to hurt me to prove to yourself that you don't love me anymore."
"I'm not doing this to hurt you." Chuck spoke, the first hint of a plea in his voice. "I'm doing this because I just want to be happy again."
Swallowing Blair shook her head. She had to fight; she swore to herself that she would fight. "If I believed that you'd be happier without me, I promise you I would leave."
"Your promises don't mean anything anymore." Chuck spat angrily.
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love I loved the most
Blair flushed - she deserved that comment, she knew she did. "I almost did leave. I was so fucking close. I saw how happy you were with Gwen and she told me...she told me about the anniversary of Bart's death that you locked yourself in my room." Speaking she forced back the memory of the call she'd had with Serena that day. If she would lie to Serena about the effect of the words S had said to her before she left four years ago, there was no way she could ever let Serena know just how much she regretted the result of that phone call.
Chuck's eyes widened and Blair's eyes stung with the tears at the memory. When she spoke again her voice was lower. "Of all the things I've done to you. Of everything I regret. That's the one that's going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I'm never going to forgive myself for leaving you...alone. Not when I promised..." Blair paused and swallowed back tears. "Not when I promised I never would."
Chuck felt the knot in his throat swell. He could barely manage to force out words. "Why didn't you? What stopped you from leaving?"
I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time
Blair met his gaze and the first hint of a smile traced her lips. "You. You stopped me." She felt the surprise his eyes conveyed. "You reminded me that what we had is worth fighting for. We sat in my room and looked through everything we've gone through to get us to this point." She spoke her voice growing stronger. "And yes we've both screwed up Chuck but every time we found our way back. And you, you always fought for me, you never stopped."
"Until I couldn't fight anymore." Chuck replied, feeling an ache deep inside his chest at what could have been and what now could never be. "I couldn't fight because you wouldn't let me."
"This time it's my turn to fight for you." Blair spoke with conviction. "I know that. I swear I do. I know what I have to prove to you. But to do that I need time. I just need a little more time."
And who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars
Chuck shook his head as he took a step back from her, unaware that he'd moved so close that only the chair she was standing behind was between them. "Time won't change anything Blair - not anymore. It's just prolonging this madness."
Blair wasn't backing down, not this time. If she were out of time she was going to lay it all out on the table. "Then tell me why every time we're together we get closer?"
Chuck looked away, unable to meet her prying gaze. He felt like if he did she might see inside, past his walls, past what he was hiding and he couldn't let that happen.
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
Blair walked around the chair, trailing her arm along the back. She felt her steps match her pulse, and perhaps even his. "You can't, can you?" A slight smirk slipped onto her face. "You can't even look at me. It's because you're starting to let me in and that fucking terrifies you."
Chuck felt her coming closer, her words echoing inside his skull seeming to vibrate throughout his body shattering his defenses. He wouldn't look at her, he couldn't - he would break, he would crumble.
She knew that there were now traces of self-satisfaction in her voice as she walked closer because he'd yet to deny her words, yet to even try to prove her wrong. "So you're doing this to push me away. You're doing it so that you don't have the chance to forgive me. And you know that if you give yourself enough time you will."
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Chuck shook his head, taking a step back and forcing words from his lips. "I can't do this Blair." As he spoke he finally met her gaze, knowing she'd see what bordered on panic in his eyes. "I need...I need you to-" He trailed off, feeling his hands start to shake.
"You need me to do what Chuck? Whatever it is, whatever I can give you, is yours." Blair asked reaching a hand out and placing it lightly on his arm at her touch he flinched and she quickly pulled her hand back."
"I need you to back off." He spoke quickly, noticing that she was closing in on him. "I can't do this again."
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?
"You can't or you won't?" Blair asked in rapid response.
Chuck swallowed, taking a step back from her. "Both."
Blair matched him a step for a step, she wasn't letting him out of this now; not when she felt he was so close to letting her back in. "I'm still in love with you Chuck. I'm always going to be in love with you. And I know that you still love me. I know it. I can feel it." She emphasized placing a hand on her chest. "I feel it."
She's now so close that they are practically touching, Chuck's backed against the piano, as it made contact with his skin he was jolted with memories he couldn't revisit, not now. Jolting to the side he walked around her, running both of his hands through his hair. "I don't. I'm sorry but I don't."
I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
Turning, she walked towards him, placing a hand on his shoulder. And though she felt him shiver as she did, this time she didn't move. "Then why can't you look at me and say it." She spoke as she turned him towards her, walking as she did so they were face to face. Her body was inches from his; she could feel his breathing on her skin; so rapid it moved her hair.
Her hand was still resting on his shoulder, so she let it slide closer up his neck, feeling each of his muscles shake and jump in turn under her touch. She could feel his pulse hammering beneath her hand as he inhaled, matching her heartbeat to his. Tilting her head upwards she met his gaze, her hand now resting on his neck. She could see the fear in his eyes and though she'd been purposefully holding back, she knew she couldn't anymore. If she didn't push him now she was going to lose him anyway.
"Look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't love me." She spoke, her words quieter than they had been.
I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms
Chuck's eyes widened. His first instinct was to back away from her but he couldn't. He was stuck, frozen. He couldn't look away from her, couldn't move a single muscle. And she was everywhere she was consuming him. Every breath was a shock to his system as her scent flooded his brain.
"Tell me." She spoke again, this time with more force as she brought her right hand up to cup his face as well, her body aligning completely against his.
"I don't." Chuck started, willing himself to continue. At that moment all he could see or feel was Blair, she was invading every single one of his senses. Looking into her eyes he heard her say it one more time, or maybe he didn't hear her, maybe he just felt the breath from her lips as her mouth formed the words. "Tell me."
I've learned to live, half-alive
Now you want me one more time
His heart was pounding loudly against his chest as though it might burst from its cage, his blood rushing beneath the surface. All he wanted to do was tell her that he'd stopped loving her a long time ago, but in that moment, looking into those eyes that seemed to draw the truth out of him he felt his defenses crumble as he broke beneath her. "I love you." He spoke, his voice a thick grasping sound.
"I love you. I never fucking stopped for one second of one minute of one hour of one day." He had no breath so he wasn't sure how he was capable of forming words but now that he'd opened up Pandora's box he couldn't slam the lid shut. "I've loved you even when I hated you. You're with me, always with me. There's never been a time I haven't loved you." The words poured out of him and he couldn't make them stop, he couldn't get the lid closed again. "Is that what you wanted to hear?"
Blair's breath caught in her throat for a moment as she continued staring at Chuck. She couldn't talk, she didn't have words. Pulling herself even closer, she slammed her lips into his; all she wanted in that moment was to be closer to him.
Who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars
Chuck inhaled sharply as her lips pressed against his and he felt everything built up inside of him release into her. Finally admitting his feelings coupled with her body pressed firmly against his eliminated any hope of control. Reaching his hands out, he ran them up her sides to her shoulders and then to the back of her head as he held her to him.
When Chuck kissed her back Blair relinquished herself to him, she was his and in that moment she was ready to lose herself in him again. When she felt his hands on her, her insides melted and she leaned in even closer if that was even possible. "I knew...I knew you still loved me." She breathed against his lips before kissing him again.
Chuck felt a shiver run through him as his hands found her face, until the slightest shift in her movement shook him to the core. Running his hands quickly down to her shoulders, with one quick shove he pushed her away.
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
Confused eyes met his as she gasped for air. But before she could say a word he cut her off. "You're right I love you and I always will. But I will never let myself fall for you again. Never."
"Chuck-" Blair started, ready to tell him whatever she had to.
"No Blair I don't want to hear it, you destroyed me when you left." Chuck spoke, the words tearing from his mouth with a quiet power, tinged with something so incredibly raw. "Abso-fucking-lutely destroyed me." He added with a loud exhale.
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Chuck took a step back toward her unable to reign in his emotions. "There was literally nothing left. And it will never matter how much I love you-" He spoke, his head shaking in absolute exasperation with her and maybe even with himself. "And damn it I do fucking love you; but I can't do it again. I can't go back there."
Reaching a hand up he wanted to place it on her face, to smooth the line running across her forehead but he pulled back, running it through his already messy hair instead. "I'm always going to love you; you're inside of me, like a fucking disease. But never again."
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?
Blair's eyes widened in shock as the words poured from Chuck. She'd clearly unleashed the damn he'd been holding back for some time. But now that he'd admitted it, now that she knew how he felt she couldn't give up. Not now that she knew he still loved her. "I told myself that same thing every time you left me Chuck, but I always came back to this...to us."
Shaking his head, Chuck felt a stinging behind his eyes and in his throat. "You have no right to do this. You can't come back now when you've finally decided that this is what you want." It wasn't fair. He'd always fought for her, always tried to fix it. She hadn't. That realization gave his voice strength. "You waited four years Blair, FOUR YEARS to decide that you want me, want us. Fuck that. I'm stronger than that now."
"What we had is unforgettable Chuck, you and I both know that. It doesn't matter how many years we're apart - we're always going to come back." She replied, not backing down.
And it took so long just to feel alright
"Then how did you manage to forget it for four years? You took four years and now I'm not even allowed to take four weeks to decide to throw my life away for you?" Chuck snapped back quickly.
Blair shook her head, taking a tentative step forward. He was thinking about it. That's all that that could mean. "No. I'm not asking you to throw away everything to be with me."
Chuck's reply was terse. "That's exactly what you're asking."
Taking another step, Blair softened her voice. He wasn't as cut off from her as she thought. She could feel him, like a heartbeat pulsing loudly; it was just on the other side of the door. "All I'm asking is that you don't propose. I just want more time for us to figure this out. You're right, you need time and I don't want to push you."
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
As she spoke she could see his eyes softening in turn, the tension in his body seemed to be dissipating. Maybe this had worked maybe he wouldn't do it. "All we need is time. If we're not meant to be together then the worst you've done is delay you're proposal and if we are then we saved each other from even more heartbreak."
Chuck met her gaze, he shouldn't do this, he shouldn't agree to this bargain but he could feel his walls breaking down. And she was close; the smell of her perfume was doing funny things to his brain. Fear was coursing through him like his last line of defense. Looking down at his hands he realized they were shaking. What the hell was he doing? "And that's all you want - all you're asking?"
Blair saw his hands and she could feel the tension between them now. He wanted to touch her, he wanted to reach out with his shaking hands and let her steady him as she'd always done before. And she couldn't lie to him. Not about what she wanted. "All I want, all I need, is you. Always and forever." She spoke, her voice cracking on the last few words.
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Love. Sadness. Utter Heartbreak. Fear. Anger. Each hit him in turn as he heard her words. Not those words. No. When he finally felt the anger he almost stumbled backwards. "No. You don't get to do that. Those words...those aren't yours to say anymore."
He could see that she wanted to say something but he cut her off, regaining his footing and taking a step forward. "You can't have it back Blair!" He almost shouted. "Not now. Not again. Not this time. You don't get to use those words. Not to me. You're the one that broke that promise."
"Chuck..." Blair started, finally getting a word in.
'Cause you broke all your promises
"NO!" Chuck shouted his voice almost a scream. "YOU FORGAVE ME! I PROPOSED." He shouted before his voice began to crack. "And you said yes." He swallowed back the burning sensation that was ripping through his throat. "You swore we'd never be apart again. That nothing, nothing, could ever tear us apart."
"I know and I'm sorry." This time Blair spoke as quickly as she could but she saw the moment she did she'd only made it worse. "Chuck we both broke promises..."
Chuck's eyes alit once more with the rage he felt at yet another fucking apology. "YOU MARRIED ME BLAIR. YOU PROMISED FOREVER, THEN YOU LEFT ME. YOU LEFT ME TWICE." He roared taking another step closer as he finally let out the words they'd both been avoiding. The truth of what had happened between them burst forth and he wasn't stopping it now. "I LET YOU BACK IN THE FIRST TIME BUT YOU GOT YOUR FUCKING DIVORCE. YOU DON'T GET TO COME BACK NOW AND PICK UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF!"
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back
Blair could feel her heart shattering in her chest as Chuck's emotions flew out of him in a total rage. She could hear it there in his voice, layer upon layer of pain and anger. She'd known he loved her and she'd known that part of him hated her too - how could he not with the pain that she'd caused him. She had known that forcing his hand into admitting one, would bring forth the other and she'd wanted it, wanted to really understand how he felt. But she hadn't expected this.
She'd thought she was getting through to him, moving to a point that maybe they could rebuild; but that pain she'd thought they were working through was so deep inside of him that it permeated everything. She'd thought the love would be bigger than everything else. It wasn't. He would never be able to move past this.
Chuck watched her process his words and realized that his anger had fled with the wild rush of words he hadn't meant to say - now all it left was reality. "You ruined me Blair. You left. You never called and you never wrote." Inhaling deeply he shook his head. "I didn't want to get over you. I got over you because I had to."
And Who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars
Chuck's words were like knifes in her gut. Every line he uttered felt like another incision. And she knew there was nothing she could say, nothing she could do to make it stop. She was going to bleed out right here. They were going to bleed out.
"I had to figure out how to be without you." Chuck spoke, his words starting to soften. "I didn't know how to exist, how to even breathe without you. I didn't want to." He could see the sadness in her eyes at the pain she'd inflicted. At least that's what he thought it was, it was different from the heartbreak she was feeling because he saw her dark brown eyes flicker with a deeper warmth.
But that didn't change things; even if it would he could never trust that was even what he'd seen. "And now, that I'm happy again, finally happy. You waltz back in and think that you can have it all back. But I won't. I can't."
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
Through his whole speech, Blair had kept eye contact, had never looked away. And she didn't break contact now, even as the tears slipped slowly down her cheeks. "You'll never stop loving me and I'll never stop loving you." She spoke through her tears. Her voice was strained and even though a part of her had given up she had to do something. She had to keep fighting. She'd given up before, she couldn't do it again. "Everything that happens until we're together again is just prolonging the pain."
Chuck furrowed his brow, fighting through the feeling that she was being sincere, or maybe what he was fighting was what her sincerity might make him feel, make him want. "Loving you has never been the issue Blair. I'm never going to stop." He had to say this in a way that she understood, that she finally understood. "I learned to live without you, without part of my soul. So it doesn't matter how much I love you, I can't be the person who was with you again. It's not the same, because I'm not the same anymore. I can't be with you again."
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
When Blair's only response was to wipe the tears from her cheeks with each hand, Chuck forced forward the hardness he'd found earlier. "Maybe that's why you did it in the first place. Maybe I'd hurt you so many times that all you knew how to do was to hurt me back. Because if you felt like I did when you destroyed me I'm sure you wanted revenge."
This time it was Blair's brow that furrowed – from time to time she forgot that he still believed that.
He wanted her to react – he wanted her to give him a reason to yell and walk away but she wasn't biting. She was just standing there asking him to love her. So he twisted his face into something resembling a snarl and snapped at her. "Guess what, you got it. You hurt me like I hurt you and now it's coming back to bite you in the ass."
Blair shook her head, hardly even caring that there were tears still sliding from her eyes. "Chuck…please, stop thinking for just one moment and let yourself feel."
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
Chuck could feel her words wash over him like a command. He could feel his body doing just as she'd asked. Forcing words he wasn't sure he meant he shook his head. "You don't want to know how I feel Blair. You wouldn't like it."
"Chuck, you aren't being honest with yourself. Let yourself remember before you do something we're all going to regret later." Blair implored taking a firm step toward him.
Blair unknowingly said just the words Chuck needed to hear, the words he needed to remember to make him snap. "Remember? Remember what, Blair?" He almost wanted to smile as the anger burst forth. "You destroyed everything good about us. I'm just moving on - or did you forget that you're the one who told me how?"
Narrowing his eyes Chuck's brain filled with the memory of words she'd once said to him, words that had torn him apart and he spat his next words at her with the venom the memory brought on. "'I still love you but it's just not worth the pain.'"
And who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars
Blair gasped, feeling as though he'd ripped the air from her lungs rather than the words from her mouth. She was drowning, she couldn't breathe, and those words played in her mind like a broken record skipping so frequently she wasn't sure who was saying them, him or her.
As the memory assaulted him, something unexpected clicked. "Mr. Davidson." He recalled now with perfect clarity.
Blair's eyes widened in surprise at the sudden change of pace.
"Mr. Davidson is your attorney." Chuck said as he nodded the smallest smile of understanding sliding on his lips. Remembering so clearly now. "Not your travel agent. And he's the one who filed our divorce." He added, eyes narrowing as he spoke the last bit.
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
Blair nodded slowly remembering that she'd told Dan he was her travel agent. "Dan…Dan is asking questions about Mr. Davidson?"
Chuck scoffed. "He knows you're lying. If he knew any more than he does, he'd figure it out."
Blair swallowed. She couldn't lie to Chuck. Not about this. "He knows we were engaged...I didn't tell him it was more than that."
Chuck's head snapped toward her, his tongue lashing out. "You told him we were engaged!"
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Blair shook her head quickly, feeling guilty even though she hadn't. "No...he figured it out on his own, or he guessed it anyway. He didn't know for sure until I asked him how he'd known." Blair took a quick breath. "I never told anyone. Not that we were engaged. And not that we were married."
Chuck couldn't help but feel lost as he looked around the room, not sure what he was looking for. His head was all over the place. "Neither did I." He finally spoke.
Blair looked at him for a long moment before exhaling and looking away. Did not telling anyone make it less real? No. It was real. It was so real. At least it was for her. She'd reached the point of exhaustion. She didn't even have anything to say anymore. "There's nothing I'm ever going to be able to do to prove myself to you, is there?" On her last words she turned her head back to Chuck the question in her eyes.
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
"It's too late for that Blair." Chuck spoke, taking a step back. This was the end. This had to be. He'd done what he came to do now it was time to leave. "It's been too late for a long time." He added, forcing himself to turn away from her and walk towards the elevator.
Blair watched Chuck's retreating figure and didn't know what to do. Part of her wanted to stop him. To do something, anything other than just stand there but she'd given it all that she had to give. He didn't want to be with her, that wasn't something she could force.
Chuck paused a few feet away from the elevator not sure what he was waiting for. He knew that he'd expected her to run after him. He'd expected her to yell, scream, or cry. At least he'd expected her to call his name. He hadn't heard a sound. If he wasn't sure she hadn't moved he would have thought she'd left. Something deep inside of him was telling him to turn around and look at her, to be the one to call her name. But the stronger part of him told him to keep walking, so he did. She didn't get to own him anymore.
Who do you think you are?
As Chuck walked away all she could do was stand there but as soon as the elevator doors closed she felt her knees buckle as she sunk down to the setae. Her brain was jumping from thought to thought so quickly that it surprised her when it finally landed on something unexpected...Mr. Davidson.
If Dan wasn't letting that go it was going to become a problem. Not that it really mattered in anymore. Part of her wondered if Chuck would tell Dan the truth - she doubted it. He wanted people finding out even less than she did. But she'd promised Dan she was telling him the truth about the Hamptons but she hadn't - there were so many things she hadn't told him, so many secrets that belonged to her and her alone.
But now, she wasn't sure she cared who knew what, everything was over. Chuck had made that abundantly clear. He'd admitted he loved her, that he always loved her. He wasn't hiding anymore and now she knew, really knew that he would never come back to her, never again.
Who do you think you are?
Reaching up she placed a hand over her heart until she felt what she was looking for. Reaching around her neck, she tugged on the chain until it pulled out of her shirt. Looking at the inscription on the white gold ring she ran her finger along the inside 'Always and Forever.' Squeezing her hand tightly around the small circle she looked out the window - it had started to rain. And sitting there holding her wedding band and looking out the window at the rain, she couldn't help but remember the day she'd left the Hamptons, the day of their final confrontation.
Chuck shook his head as he walked forwards. "Don't act surprised, I told you I wasn't letting you go again."
Blair was frozen in shock as she saw Chuck emerge from the town car that had almost splashed her with water. "Chuck, I told you . . ." She asked as he came close enough that she could almost touch him if she reached out her hand.
"No." Chuck said as he shook his head. "I won't - I don't accept this."
"You don't have a choice." Blair said a hint of exasperation in her voice. She didn't know how strong she could be with him still standing here before her, their conversation at the house had taken everything she had.
Chuck took a step forward bringing himself under her umbrella, so close he could feel her breathing. "Don't do this Blair, not again. I get it - the first time it was too soon, but now?"
Blair swallowed tightly aware that having him in her space like this was only making everything more difficult. She could smell his cologne as it seemed to invade her senses. "I have a life somewhere else." She spoke carefully.
Chuck reached out and placed his hands on her upper arms making sure she didn't turn away. "It can't outweigh what we had. It's not more than the look you gave me on the beach after I asked you never to leave again. It's not more than the electricity we both feel every time we touch. And it certainly isn't bigger than the love that's between us. Nothing is."
"Chuck…" Blair started, feeling herself begin to crack.
Chuck brought his head closer until his forehead was almost resting on hers. "All I want, all I need, is you." He knew she understood the significance of the words as only she could. "That hasn't changed."
Fighting the pull inside of her that was begging her to fall into him Blair forced herself to remain strong remembering the feeling she'd felt consuming her when she'd awoken a few hours ago. She couldn't risk feeling like that, it would destroy her. "I left for a reason Chuck." She spoke carefully.
"A reason you won't explain." Chuck spat, his voice rueful.
A gasp slipped from Blair's lips as she turned her head, breaking eye contact. "I can't."
Chuck moved his head finding her eyes once more as he spoke. "You don't want to go Blair, I know you don't."
Blair fought to keep from meeting his eyes as she bit her bottom lip. "I have to, there's someone else." She said unwillingly, throwing everything out there that she could to push them apart.
Chuck scoffed. "There will never be anyone else."
"Why can't you just let me go?" Blair asked, her head snapping back towards Chuck and flinging her arms to shake his hold on her even though it costs her the cover of the umbrella.
This time Chuck shook his head, he'd seen her getting close to cracking earlier and that she was so defensive now was proof that she didn't want to leave, he just had to make her realize that she was making a mistake. "Don't act like this week has been one sided."
Blair turned her head looking away from him, towards the plane where the pilot was motioning for her. "I have to go."
Chuck took a step forward until his body was nearly flush with hers, his hands reached up and grasped her face as the rain drenched them to the bone. "What was this Blair? What was this week for you?"
Once more a gasp was drawn from her lips at Chuck's proximity and intensity. Her whole body was humming as she observed the rain beading in his hair, the drops caught on his eyelashes and the ones mingling with what she thought might be tears on his cheeks. "Heaven."
"Then stay with me." Chuck spoke his voice pleading with her.
Blair's head tilted slightly, she could feel the trembling in his hands as they grasped her face that mirrored the shaking in her knees. "I can't. We can't be together Chuck. I've moved on." Her voice was stronger than she expected and it instilled her with the ability to go on. "It's time you do the same. As much as I . . .enjoyed this week. It shouldn't have happened." With that she took a step backwards, then another, it was as she was beginning to turn away that Chuck spoke again.
Chuck's eyes narrowed at her words, a fury filled him at her denial and he could no longer fight the angry desperation that was threatening to take over. "Why'd you leave Blair?" He asked, voice strengthened by his indignation.
"It was a long time ago Chuck, it doesn't matter anymore." Blair spoke with a shake of her head. She didn't want to get into this now.
"It does to me." Chuck responded immediately with another step forward, not far behind her though with her back to him he could only see her profile. He reached out and caught her arm, turning her to face him once more. "If it's why you're leaving now it matters."
Blair straightened her spine realizing that she wouldn't be able to leave using the truth. It was clear that Chuck would do whatever it took to keep her here, her reasons wouldn't be good enough. To make it out now without losing it all she would have to lie. "After everything that happened before, everything you did, I just couldn't forget."
Chuck looked into Blair's eyes, searching for the lie. Holding her gaze he asked the question that had been haunting him since the day that Nate mentioned the possibility. "Tell me it wasn't for revenge, tell me you didn't do it for revenge."
Blair couldn't move, she could barely breathe. Chuck's intensity in that moment was so damning that she couldn't do anything but stare into his gaze. Every piece of her was screaming at her to deny the truth of the statement he'd just uttered because it couldn't be further from how she'd really felt. She could see though that this was his one great fear, his biggest insecurity. This was the key to getting him to let her go because if she let him think this it would destroy him and with it the love he had for her.
Swallowing tightly, Blair clenched her eyes shut before pulling her arm away. She nodded her head almost disjointedly as she took a step backwards. "I am sorry Chuck." She spoke before turning and walking away.
Chuck's heart felt as though it were being ripped from his chest as he heard Blair's words. But he wouldn't let go, not this time, not again. "It's not that simple and you know it. You're my wife Blair."
Blair froze where she stood. This was the first time he had mentioned what they really were to one another all week; the first time he'd mentioned what exactly she'd run out on. She thought back to last night on the beach, last night he'd acknowledged it but he'd never said it aloud.
She had been happy with Austin but not like this, never like this. "I'm never as happy as I am when I'm with you."
Chuck's heart that had been racing throughout the entirety of Blair's speech was pounding so loudly that the drumming filled his ears. His next words came completely unbidden, nothing more than a soft desperate whisper against her ear. "Don't leave me again."
Blair felt her entire body tense in his arms as she tilted her head to look at him. Studying his face she was surprised by the lines she saw there, the seriousness that covered every inch of his countenance.
Chuck's gaze intensified as it locked with hers. "I won't ask why, I don't have to know. You don't have to tell me where you've been or who you've been with. Just don't leave me again." As he spoke, Chuck reached up and pulled a chain from around his neck and over his head. Wordlessly he unworked the clasp and slid the ring off the chain.
Blair was frozen in his arms, she knew there must be shock written all over her face but as it slipped away she let only the seriousness of the moment remain behind as she read the millions of words in his gaze. Almost as though a full conversation were passing between them without either of them saying a word. He kept it, he wore it, it made him feel close to her.
The seriousness became infused with a passion that had been renewed over the past few days Chuck's hold on her tightened. "I can't lose you again Blair, I won't. This time I'll follow you no matter where you go. This time I won't let you go." Taking her hand he placed the ring there and waited to see what she would do next - he couldn't force her to put it back on.
For a moment her heart skipped as she let his words wash through her. She could feel the tingles working their way up her spine in a rapid fashion. The moment was electric and all consuming, it held so much. Giving an almost imperceptible nod of her head Blair slipped the ring back where it belonged before she turned in Chuck's arms tilting her head upwards until her lips met his. "I don't want you to." She whispered against his mouth before they both collapsed back onto the blanketed sand.
Chuck took three stalking steps forwards until he was within a breath of her. "That wasn't for revenge. You know it and I know it too."
She turned her head slowly to look at him. Her heart was pounding, breaking in two but her brain knew better than to falter now. This is the right decision; her head knew it even if her heart didn't. But even her heart did know, if she left Austin now she'd never forgive herself. "It wasn't. You're right. It was something in the moment and it was foolish. I was in pain after I lost the baby and wanted to feel anything other than grief. So I let myself get lost in you. You were convenient. But that's over now. It's done."
Chuck walked around her until they were facing, blocking her way to the plane. His face was almost menacing as the disbelief coursing through him warped his features. "It's not done until I say it's done." He spat reaching out and placing his hand on the side of her face, his fingers slipping into her hair and tangling there.
"I'm moving on Chuck. You should do the same." Blair said, heart thundering in her ears as she lifted her chin to meet his gaze.
Chuck shook his head. "There's no moving on for us Blair. Not when you love like we love. We're always going to be here in this place, man and wife. Always and forever. You'll never forget me, never stop loving me and you know it."
Air felt like it was trapped inside her lungs as her lips parted to allow her to breathe. As she did she felt almost as though she could taste him they were so close but she would be strong, one of them had to be. "Moving on isn't about not loving someone anymore and forgetting them. It's about having the strength to stand up and say, 'I still love you, but it's just not worth the pain.'"
"You don't mean that Blair. I won't let you mean that." Chuck spoke, placing his other hand on the side of her face as well, as though he could hold her there forever.
"I'm standing up Chuck." Blair spoke before she pressed her lips together, trying to shut down the pounding in her heart as she forced herself to think back to her conversation with Mr. Davidson; thankful that he'd had more sense than her foolish heart did. "The papers have already been filed Chuck." She spoke, letting the slightest of lies slip out. True the papers had been commissioned but she would still need to return to New York to sign them.
Chuck's eyes slanted in confusion - what the hell was she talking about? "You can't just end a marriage like that Blair. There's protocol for that, and I'm fairly sure that you have to at least notify the husband."
Blair shook her head; it was obvious from the expression on his face that Chuck had no clue what he was talking about. "You've never looked into marriage or divorce laws in New York have you?" Blair asked meaning it rhetorically, though Chuck had never been one to take anything lying down.
"I can't say I ever thought I'd have a reason to." Chuck said forcefully, allowing his vulnerability to show even through his anger and disbelief.
"I assume you're about to, or at very least you're going to call your lawyers to have them explain it but it won't do any good." Blair spoke shaking her head. "It's not the 1800s Chuck. Mutual consent isn't required, neither is a general cause. It's called a no-fault divorce and the only actual requirement is that we live apart for six months. I started the paperwork over a year ago so we more than meet the criteria."
Chuck smirked dangerously. "You know the kind of power I have Blair. You know it's not that easy to slip through my fingers. I'll put a stop to this silly notion of yours that you can run away from me, from us, from our life together."
Blair straightened her spine, pushing away the slight ebb of fear, followed by the threat of regret, and channeled ice through her veins. "Do you honestly think I would have told you if there was something you could do?"
Chuck's face fell before he could freeze it into place. "You're bluffing."
Blair lifted her eyebrows her voice raw. "Try me."
"Why are you doing this Blair?" He asked voice breaking.
Shrugging Blair spoke forcing her voice to remain firm. If she let a hint of the emotion and sadness she was feeling through she knew he'd stop her, he'd reach out and touch her and then she'd ruin herself and stay. "I thought you already knew." And with that she walked away. Pain racking her body because she knew she was hurting him to protect herself.
He barely saw more than a shadow of her as she walked away from him and climbed into the plane. His vision was so blurred everything was black, white, and shades of grey. Something had been irrevocably changed in him in that moment, his fundamental system of beliefs had just been destroyed because the only thing he'd ever truly believed in, the only thing that had ever been real was the two of them.
Blair was able to hold the tears until the door of the plane was closed and she looked out the window to see Chuck standing there looking like a shell of himself. Her hand immediately went to the pane, her fingers pressing against the glass as her heart began to break in two.
It was then that she saw it - the ring she'd put back on her finger last night - her wedding band. It looked right there, like that's where it was supposed to be. She couldn't be wearing this when she landed but she couldn't let it go, reaching up she realized she was wearing a Tiffany pendant on a long chain. Removing the chain she let the pendant slide off. She couldn't help feeling as though she was tearing away a part of herself as she slipped the ring from her finger. It caught on her knuckle as though it was just as reluctant to part from her and the second it slipped free she felt her heart clench in pain.
Sliding it onto the chain she placed it around her neck and instantly felt better, more sturdy; but her finger still ached, missing what it had just found, missing what it had lost. So she lifted her hand and held the ring through her shirt allowing the feeling of her hand against the hard surface to anchor her.
So there it is...I'm beyond excited to know what you think now that's everything is finally out in the open. Did you see it coming? Were you shocked? Now that you know are there things that you're like 'OHHHHHHH' about? Ahh anyway reviews are loved!
xoxo
Kate