I know…I'm terrible. I don't even have great excuses (other than life getting in the way) so I'm not going to make any.

After last chapter I've been hesitant to post until I was sure I could post more than once for a couple reasons. 1) I always feel bad when I fall off the gird and leave everyone hanging. 2) It felt moderately like a stopping place (not that it ever was the end but it didn't feel like a…) 3) This is not the chapter I would want to leave anyone on for any length of time. Which is why I promise that I've got the next chapter almost ready to go (should have it for you in the next week or so). Also it's a little on the short side but it was the right break before the next chapter.

To my reviewers: Temp02, eckomoon, Moonflower26, Sharryy, Matyy, Nelson0987, Michii, IBass, Alisha, may21, 2three88, ChuckBlair08lover, pochaontasneedsherjohnsmith, May, robin0802, klarolinebasstiel, bowtie-bass, the quiet zone, Aristea, Icy eyed Angel, Antheat, Anni, aimeecastleberry, and the numerous Guest reviewrs. How you've continued to stick with me I have no idea but thanks

Extra thanks to my beta kosoul7 for the final extra push :)

Rated: T

Disclaimer: As per usual – none of the characters or songs are mine.

One last warning – this is angsty even by my standards…

Chapter 18: The Decent Proposal

"Nate I don't know what to do." Serena spoke into the receiver, her voice low.

Nate furrowed his brow, withholding a groan. He didn't want to be involved. He really didn't want to be involved. "Maybe she just needs time."

Serena started pacing Blair's foyer her words quickening. "Time for what? I don't know what's going on. She won't talk to me. She's practically comatose."

"Is she awake?" Nate asked concerned.

"Yes she's awake!" Serena snapped looking back towards the setae.

Nate groaned. "Well you said comatose."

Sighing Serena paused, keeping her eyes on her friend. "She's just been sitting here on the setae since I got here. She didn't even look at me when I walked in the apartment. Earlier I got close to her she turned her head to look at me, met my gaze, then turned back to face the window and I haven't seen her move since."

"I don't know what to tell you Serena." Nate spoke, feeling himself grow worried at the fear in Serena's voice. "Chuck went to a really dark place after their breakup but I could never seem to snap him out of it. It was always something he had to do."

Serena's brows pulled together. "So you definitely think this has something to do with Chuck?"

Nate paused, wondering for a moment if he should tell her. She was his fiancée - sure he'd told Chuck he wouldn't but if Blair was acting like this then chances were he'd already told her, in which case it wouldn't matter if he told Serena.

He opened his mouth to speak, when he was hit by the thought that this could be about something else and if it was and he told Serena, who would of course tell Blair, Chuck would murder him. So instead he shut his mouth.

"Of course it is, it has to be right?" Serena continued, barely registering that Nate hadn't responded to her question. "I'm really starting to freak out here. I know she hasn't eaten all day, she hasn't checked her phone so that's definitely a safe assumption. For all I can tell she hasn't even moved."

Looking back at Blair she once more saw her friends' hand clutching something on her chest. "And she's holding something in her hand but I can't see what it is. I tried to coax it from her earlier and she shoved me away with her other arm."

Did Blair have her engagement ring back? Nate wondered to himself as he processed Serena's word, no that was impossible Chuck wouldn't have given it to her even if he always thought of it as hers; but what else could she possibly be holding onto so tightly.

Serena - oblivious to Nate's lack of response - continued rambling."I really don't know what to do Nate. I've never seen her like this."

"Serena." Nate started finally interjecting.

But Serena continued on, lost in her ranting. "I mean I've seen her upset before - even distraught - but this isn't what Blair does when she gets sad or angry."

"Serena" Nate started again, a little more forcefully.

"If she would just react, throw something, scream, yell, cry, or for gods sake tell me what's wrong I could handle it. What I can't handle is this. And I can't help her because I don't know what's going on."

"SERENA!" Nate shouted exasperated.

"Geez what?" Serena asked surprised by the volume of Nate's voice. He rarely got that emotional about anything.

Nate exhaled, he didn't want to betray Chuck but if Serena was this worried about Blair he had to tell her. So it was warily that he spoke up. "I know what's wrong with Blair." He paused. "Or at least I think I do."

Serena stopped pacing the room, eyes open wide in surprise. "You what?" She asked continuing before giving him a chance to answer. "What is it? You have to tell me Nate."

Taking a deep breath, Nate counted to three in his head. This would be it. When he got to three he would let the words out. One, he could do this, two, Chuck wasn't going to hate him, three "Chuck was coming to see Blair this morning…" He started quickly.

Serena could feel her heartbeat quicken. There was something about Nate's tone of voice that had her on edge. Something that made her think that whatever it was that he was about to say was going to be really really bad."Okay…"

Nate inhaled again, preparing himself for the backlash. "He was coming to tell her that he's proposing to Gwen today."

Serena's eyes snapped to Blair, still sitting just as still as a statue and the phone dropped right from her hand. "Oh fuck."

Chuck was quiet. He'd been quiet most of the night. Perfect in every way – but quiet.

He'd shown up 10 minutes late like clockwork because he knew she was perpetually ten minutes behind schedule. She'd hurried into the room shouting that she was ready the moment the elevator doors had opened. Sorry I'm late. You're not late, you're beautiful. Her heart warmed now just thinking about it. He'd produced a bouquet of her favorite flowers – irises and gardenias. They'd gone to her favorite restaurant. They'd had her favorite wine. They'd taken a walk along the river. He'd offered her his jacket when a breeze picked up off the water. And yet he was quiet.

This was the second time. The first had happened when she returned home from Italy. But now, today, she had been so sure. Favorite flowers, favorite restaurant, favorite wine, moonlit walk – all the pieces were there, and still he was quiet.

It wasn't that they hadn't been talking; they had. Rather they weren't talking about anything of substance and they certainly were talking about the one thing she knew was on his mind tonight. She knew him. She knew him better than he thought she did. She knew what he was planning to do tonight. She was certain. And he was quiet.

Chuck looked over at Gwen and smiled softly. They were walking, his arm draped around her shoulders, her tucked against his side. He could feel her tension. She was confused. He'd done everything the way you're supposed to for a proposal. He'd gone through a laundry list of her favorite things – some he wasn't even sure she realized he had done. Calling in a few favors to get her afternoon meetings bumped to tomorrow. Having her favorite salon call that they'd had a cancelation. Showing up exactly ten minutes late because he knew she was always ten minutes late and she hated making him wait.

He loved her. He wanted to marry her. He wanted to grow old with her and raise kids with her. But every time he'd tried to propose the words hadn't come out. He'd planned to do it as soon as he stepped out of the elevator at her apartment. Instead he'd given her the flowers.

He'd tried again at dinner but as he tried to lead up to it he almost immediately felt himself backtrack out of the conversation. And then he would grow quiet. He knew her. So he knew that she noticed.

He'd made a few proposals through the years. The first time he'd been a kid, just a year out of high school. It had been brash and he had been desperate not to lose her. The second, at what almost amounted to her engagement party to Louis, almost one year later. He'd been drunk and reckless; for all he thought he'd grown that year, he proved that night that he hadn't. The third…the third was different.

The third one was real and it meant something. All I want, all I need is you. He could see her face in his head; tearstained cheeks and innocence and he couldn't help but think about her face today when he was ending it for good. He felt tears sting his own eyes. Part of him felt like they were ending without ever really having a chance. They were kids, they were stupid, and they'd both screwed up over and over again – him more so than her if they'd been keeping score.

She'd been the one to make him who he was. She taught him to be a man, how to be vulnerable, how to take responsibility, how to forgive, how to love, how to be loved. She'd been there with him through everything, when his father had died, when he'd fallen to pieces, when he'd traded her for a hotel, when he'd cheated, when he'd given up on them, when he'd run away, when he'd hurt her worse than she'd ever been hurt. She hadn't lied; the worst thing he'd ever done, the darkest thought he'd ever had, she had stood by him through everything. And today, today when he had walked away he'd had to ask himself if he'd been able to do the same.

Sure there were times when he'd forgiven her, when he'd helped her pick up the pieces of her life, when she chose Louis, when she'd lost their baby, when she'd run, and when she'd come back; but had he stood by her through everything? Her worst thing, her darkest thought? Had he stood by her? He didn't know the answer to that question and it was eating at him. Dan had said he didn't look for her hard enough, that he'd moved on too quickly. The silence that echoed across the pier was so loud, it was deafening.

She saved him and he saved her but then she'd torn him to pieces. She broke him; shattering everything that she'd built. He had not been a fragile man, he had held on for two years, he had been strong enough to take her back. He remembered now, he wasn't oblivious to it anymore. He'd read his journals and he'd remembered. She'd made him feel like nothing, she had stripped him of the person he'd become until he was nothing.

That's why he had moved on, that's why he had been able to move past her, all the little pieces of her that were tangled up in him had loosened and fallen away. The man he was now wasn't the man that Blair had built, it wasn't the man she'd created. All the things she'd taught him, things he'd learned to be worthy of her he had to relearn to be worthy of someone else. Someone who had never hurt him like that, someone who had never run away when things got hard.

He smiled when he remembered the first day he saw her in her father's office and that red dress she'd worn to the gala on their first date. The day of Dan's wedding, the first time he admitted to anyone that being with Gwen made him hurt less, it made him start to feel alive. And he'd been horrible to her in those first few months, he hadn't deserved her, he had been bleeding out and all he cared about was stemming the bleeding. He never thought - not until the day she'd found him in Blair's bed in so much agony – that she could do more than stem the bleeding; she could close the wound.

So he'd worked, he'd tried, he'd let her rebuild him, let her help him become a man worthy of her. So Blair could try to drag him back to her, she could try to remind him of who they were together. She could try to take everything he was, everything he used to be, and she could try to break him. But she would fail. Because even though he'd always love her, he wasn't that man anymore and he wasn't even sure she was that woman. He was standing on his own two feet now; for the first time who he was wasn't dependent upon her.

And he wasn't dependent on Gwen either. He loved her and there was an incredible lightness to that love. It was incandescent. She'd been the one to show him that it didn't have to be equal parts pain and joy to be all consuming and undeniable. And she'd helped him become who he was. But without her, he would be in immeasurable pain, but he was still Chuck Bass and that was because of her. And Chuck Bass wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

Chuck stopped walking suddenly. He could hear Gwen's laughter next to him as she stumbled with him, smiling turning to face him but it barely registered. He was the biggest asshole in the entire world. He hated himself for thinking of his proposals to Blair while he…while he worked up to proposing to Gwen. He hated himself. He turned to her ready to ask her if he could have a minute. He couldn't do this to her. She deserved everything he had and right now tainting their proposal by wasting a moment of it thinking about anyone else was less than she deserved. But as he opened his mouth to speak he realized she'd walked in front of him and she wasn't smiling, not like he'd been sure she would be.

Stepping in front of Chuck, Gwen felt a half smile slide onto her face. "Marry me." She spoke assuredly. She saw the shock on his face and watched as it melted into wonder – not unlike the night of the gala when things first shifted with them. She shrugged her shoulders and this time she smiled. "Marry me."

Chuck knew he was standing there with his mouth open, practically gawking at her so he forced it closed. When he opened it again to speak he stammered. "But…how? I mean…did you know?"

Gwen laughed again before rolling her eyes. "Come on Chuck it's me. That ring is practically burning a hole in your pocket. Besides the way your hand was shaking earlier when you were clutching right under your chest I knew you either had a ring or you were having a heart attack. When you didn't drop dead, it was confirmed to be the latter."

At that Chuck found his awestruck features sliding into a smirk. "I'm the one who's supposed to be proposing to you."

Gwen smiled then, a light shining through her eyes. "I know." Shifting to a knowing look she nodded. "I know that you were a nervous wreck about it, you have been for weeks but tonight…tonight you were almost distraught." Chuck looked like he wanted to interrupt but she shook her head. "And I know why."

Stepping towards her, Chuck placed a hand on her arm. "Gwen, it's not what you think."

"It's exactly what I think." She explained quickly. "You're nervous because you've done this before. You've done this more than once. And you don't know how to do something different here; how to do something different in proposing to me that separates it from your proposals to Blair." She saw the trepidation in his eyes at the truth that her words carried but that didn't stop her from continuing. "And you're scared. You're scared that this could end. That we could turn out the same way that the two of you did."

Surprise flickered through his gaze. "No. No, I'm not scared of that. We would never, could never turn into that."

Gwen smirked. "Oh I know. Doesn't mean you're not scared of the possibility."

Chuck didn't have words. She knew him so completely. She was right – he knew on some level that they were different that they couldn't turn out like that but at the same time the fear that he could go through that again could have been paralyzing.

Gwen's eyes took a teasing lilt as she continued a joking exasperation to her voice. "So instead of you standing here torturing yourself and thinking yourself through mindless circles, I'm stepping in."

Taking a step closer she reached out and took both of his hands in hers. "I love you Chuck and I want to spend the rest of my life loving you. I wanted to step in because I wanted you to know that I am sure. I am sure, that I want to be with you. And I want everyone to know that I belong to you. So I'm asking you to marry me."

Chuck felt as though he must be glowing, he could feel the almost disbelieving smile as it spread across his face when he looked down at her. He was trying to act nonchalant, trying to push away the smile for just another moment. "You're stealing my lines Gwen."

Gwen's eyes were sparkling as she smirked at Chuck. "Was that a yes, because I'm not sure it sounded like a yes?"

It was growing impossible to push back the smile threatening to break through his smirk as he shook his head. He could hardly contain the rush of emotions he was feeling. "I had this whole speech planned out and now you've gone and ruined it."

Gwen rolled her eyes. "Oh please, my speech was way better than whatever you came up with."

Chuck laughed, happiness flowing through every inch of him. "I'll have you know I'm a great speech writer."

"Try me." Gwen said with a taunting smile.

Nodding Chuck felt a warmth slip through him as he looked into her brown eyes. Tugging her hands, he pulled her closer to him. "I don't promise you white picket fences. I don't promise you perfect. I don't promise that I'll always be there. I am not optimistic about our relationship and I am not hopeful about the future."

Chuck could see the confusion in her gaze and knew what she was thinking. And you thought this speech was better than mine? But then he smiled at her and saw that confusion melt away. "I do not need to be either of these things because I know. I know who you are, I know who I am, and I know who we are together. I don't need to be an optimist, I don't need to have hope, because I have strength, I have knowledge, I have certainty that I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

He watched as her smile slipped and her eyes began to glisten with tears. "I don't promise you I'll always be there, but I promise you I'll always want to be there. I don't promise you perfection because we are stronger when we're less perfect, when we make mistakes, when we grow together. And I don't promise you a white picket fence, because well we both hate the suburbs." Chuck added with the smallest of smirks.

Gwen laughed then out of sheer happiness. She loved him, she loved this man, and more than anything she loved that he was certain.

"So marry me Guinevere Elizabeth Chancelor. Marry me." Chuck finished with a smile, realizing as he did that this overwhelming happiness was love in the purest sense. This is what love was supposed to feel like.

Gwen swallowed as she squeezed his hands tightly, knowing that for once he could see every emotion she had shinning on her usually guarded face as a single tear slipped down her cheek. "You win."

Chuck leaned forward, finally letting a real smile shine through. "Was that a yes?"

"You bet your ass it was a yes." Gwen spoke as she threw her arms tightly around his neck.

Serena approached Blair slowly. There was absolutely no sign that she'd heard any part of her conversation with Nate or that she'd heard anything at all. Walking closer she came to a stop directly in front of her friend.

For a moment she simply stood there allowing Blair to continue staring out the window at the rain. There were a million different things running through Serena's head to say but none of them felt right. She had never understood the intensity of Chuck and Blair's relationship when they were younger. In the past few years there were times when she would look at one of them and almost see the other. Sometimes she felt jealous that they had something like that - other times she was sure that the rest of them were lucky that they never had to feel that kind of emotion. And she couldn't imagine the way Blair felt right now, to know what that felt like then lose it.

Slowly she knelt down in front of Blair, her knees pressing into the carpet. At first she looked at Blair, it was only last night that she had been pushing Blair to fight for Chuck but looking at Blair's face it felt like it had been ages. Serena turned her head, joining Blair in staring out the window almost getting the feeling that she was invading something private of Blair's. Almost to herself she spoke, not anticipating a response. "I think the skies know how you feel."

Serena couldn't help but jump when Blair's head turned to look at her. Eyes wide she placed both hands on Blair's knees and met her gaze. "I am so sorry Blair. I feel like this is partially my fault for pushing you last night."

Blair tilted her head to the side as though she were absorbing Serena's words, as she did her brow furrowed.

For a moment Serena though she was going to say something, when it became clear that wasn't happening she swallowed. "I can't even imagine what you must be feeling, losing him again, just when you were starting to get through to him - or at least I really thought you were."

"I think he's trying to prove to himself he doesn't love you anymore, I think this is the only way he knows how." Serena kept talking, her voice almost raw as she empathized with her best friend.

Meeting her gaze again Serena shook her head. "You're not alone. I promise you're not alone. I'm not going anywhere." With those words, Serena leaned her head down and placed it in Blair's lap.

She laid there for a moment, not focusing on much of anything past being there for Blair. She withheld the sharp intake of breath that she felt when Blair's hand moved to rest on her head. Looking up in surprise she once more met Blair's gaze and felt tears sting her eyes just as they trailed down her best friend's cheeks. "Blair…" she started quietly.

Blair opened her mouth once, closed it, then opened it again. Finally finding words. "It's over Serena - it's really over this time."

Serena rose to her feet and sat down next to Blair on the setae, placing one arm around Blair's shoulders. "We don't know that. Maybe he didn't do it, maybe there's still time, he still loves you I know it…"

Blair felt a dark chuckle escape her lips. "He did. But even if he didn't it wouldn't matter. He does love me, he told me he always would. He also hates me. He called me a disease. He loves me but he's never going to let himself be with me again."

Pausing Blair reached up and wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Huh, I thought I'd run out of these."

"Oh Blair." Serena spoke, holding her to her more tightly. She needed to call Nate and Dan, Blair was going to need all of them this time. Gripping her friend close she opened her eyes and looked out the window, noticing that it had finally stopped raining.

ETA: I'm still trying to figure out which method of updating is best - if you could vote in the poll on my profile I would love it :) Specifically deciding about my next chapter. I can do a REALLY long (15K words long) one but it will probably take another week. Or I can split it and 4K up pretty quickly and then 11K after that. Thoughts?

Okay…so there it is. I know, it's angsty even for me…I did warn you. I hope you enjoyed it anyway.

Reviews are love.

xoxo
kate