Hello lovers – hope you had a wonderful week! I won't lie, I waffled back and forth on treating you early with a short chapter (then trying to move to a weekly Saturday/Sunday post) vs holding off and sending a LONG chapter your way. There's a nice story break but I'm not a big fan of short chapters as a rule. That said I wanted to get on a weekly weekend update schedule and didn't want to make you all wait a full week and a half this time (especially when the last chapter ended on such a depressing note. SO here it is babes. (Special thanks to Scarlett2u and Matyy for the advice).
To all my reviewers: eckomoon, mia, Matyy, Trosev, klarolinebasstiel, vale1103, the quiet zone, scarlett2u, joy,and nelson0987 love you all!
To my beta, kosoul7 you're amazing as always.
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Chapter 19: As the Dust Settles
Blair looked around the room, wiping the sleep from her eyes. For a moment she was confused. She felt empty; it was a strange feeling, one she couldn't ever remember having before. Squeezing her eyes shut she reopened them to realize that there were people in her bed…lots of people. Serena was snuggled tightly against her, Nate had his arms over both of them with his head on Serena's chest, and then there was Dan flung half off the bed down near her feet. For a moment she smiled at her friends before reality hit her like a ton of bricks.
"Oh" she felt herself audibly gasp as she was hit with another round of pain from yesterday. It was like a bucket of ice had been dumped on her head, every nerve in her body felt like it was on fire. Chuck was engaged. He was marrying another woman. They were never going to be together again.
She felt hollow and sick to her stomach. Like nothing was ever going to be okay again. Which is why they were all here with her - they didn't want to leave her alone.
"You're awake" She heard a voice say quietly and immediately looked amongst her friends for the source. When her eyes landed on Nate staring at her from where he lay she nodded slowly.
Nate exhaled quietly as he looked at Blair. She looked scared, not to mention completely lost. He started to say something but stopped when she placed a finger to her lips.
Blair looked between Serena and Dan before tilting her head towards the door and sliding from the bed. She knew Nate was following when she heard the sharp intake of breath as his feet hit the cold marble of the staircase. Walking into the kitchen she started the coffee pot and pulled out two mugs before turning around to face him. "I didn't want to wake them, not after you all stayed up so late last night with me. Thank you for that by the way."
Nate nodded understanding immediately. "I'm really glad Serena called us. That's what we're here for right? Eachother? The Non-Judging Breakfast Club and all that."
"Well plus Dan." Blair said with a small laugh. Dan didn't really count as part of the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, he came in too late and honestly was still a little too judgey but that didn't mean he wasn't one of her best friends.
"And Dan…" Nate repeated with a shake of his head. Last night had been hard for all of them, really hard. Blair so rarely let herself fall apart that watching her crumble was unnerving. "I think that's the first time you've ever let us in." Nate spoke suddenly.
Blair's head snapped up and met his gaze. "What do you mean? I tell you guys just about everything."
Nate shook his head, leaning against the island. "You never let us see you vulnerable, not like that. Serena, well Serena falls apart all the time, I've never really had my shit together to start with, and Chuck, well he always tried to hide it but you always saw right through him which kept him from being able to hide much from any of us; but you, you've always had this wall up."
Blair swallowed tightly unsure what to say next. Nate wasn't wrong; she prided herself on her strength. She internalized everything, rarely letting anyone see what was really going on under the surface. Even Chuck sometimes had trouble. Searching for words she saw that the coffee was done and filled a mug before turning to Nate. "Coffee?"
"Blair…" Nate spoke as he took the coffee from her hand. He didn't want to back down on this; he wanted her to admit that she'd always kept them at arm's length. "You're always there for us. You've been the glue of the group for as long as I can remember. You bring us together and fix whatever the problem is. But you never let us help you."
Tilting her head back, Blair inhaled slowly before closing her eyes. "I hate being vulnerable." She spoke before turning her head to look at Nate. "You're right. I don't let you guys help me when I'm the one who's in trouble. I don't let you help me because I'm scared that means that whatever it is, is really bad."
Taking a step towards her Nate placed a hand on her arm. "But you let Serena call us last night."
Blair flinched slightly at his words. "Last night I was inconsolable. I've never felt so destroyed in my entire life. Not even Junior year when everything went down with you and Chuck. Even then on some subconscious level I knew that everything was going to work itself out. I had an exit strategy and worst case scenario I knew that high school couldn't last forever." Swallowing she shook her head. "This is different. I don't know what to do now. I don't know where I go from here."
Nate could feel the honesty in her words, even though they were almost devoid of any emotion at all. He'd never seen her like this before; she wasn't Blair Waldorf right now. He wanted to say something, but it had to be the right something and he didn't know what that was. There were things he knew not to say from what he'd said to Chuck, but back then he'd never managed to find the right thing. He couldn't tell her that Chuck wasn't worth it, he couldn't tell her that it would stop hurting, for her that might not be true. "What about school, aren't you going back in a month anyway?"
Blair smirked slightly, noticing that Nate didn't try to comfort her, rather he tried to give her a goal, something to work towards. "Yes, but I filled out an application to Columbia months ago. I was accepted so I don't really know if I'm going back to Stanford or finishing here."
Nate's brow furrowed in confusion. "I thought you didn't decide to come back until after finals. Were you already having doubts last spring?"
Exhaling Blair nodded. She was letting him in right? "I almost always second guessed myself with Austin. I loved him – I would never try to say that I didn't – but there was always something in the back of my mind telling me that I was making a mistake. He was constant, he was stable, he was exactly what I needed when I needed it. He's a great guy, maybe even the better guy. And he makes me so unbelievably happy. But there were mornings in our relationship that I would wake up and everything would feel wrong. There were days that I spent over analyzing every move, every gesture, every word from my mouth. And there were nights that I felt so alone I cried myself to sleep. One day I opened up the application, a few days later I filled it out, not long after that I found myself writing essays and requesting recommendations, next thing I knew I was submitting it."
Nate didn't know what to say...Blair had turned into an enigma that he just didn't understand anymore; though if he really thought about he wasn't sure that he ever actual understood her to begin with. That's part of the reason they had never worked as a couple. It also probably had a lot to do with the very thing they were talking about. She never really let any of them in.
Blair looked up at Nate with sad eyes. "You don't have to think of what to say Nate; I can read it all over your face. I know I was an idiot. I shouldn't have just sat around doing nothing for two years. And then when I came back…it's so stupid. I know I acted like I thought Chuck was just waiting for me."
Pressing her hands on the counter she gripped tightly before turning her gaze back to Nate. She could see something akin to guilt in his eyes. "I knew that wasn't the case. I did. But something inside of me truly thought that as much as I loved Austin, if I still couldn't let that go; then Chuck would feel the same way. So you can tell me I'm an idiot, you can tell me I'm stupid but all I really know is that I'm in love and it's this hopeless, endless, undeniable kind of love that's never going to go away, not completely."
Watching her then he felt frozen. Last night he'd seen her completely broken and today she was standing, he might even say she was standing strong if he couldn't see the pain radiating through each and every one of her muscles. She was standing perfectly still but every time she breathed he saw the tiniest of flinches ripple through her muscles. In some ways right now she was even more vulnerable than she had been last night.
Tentatively, Nate reached out a hand and placed it on her shoulder. At first Blair jerked her shoulder almost reflexively, but Nate simply kept his hold steady. "Let me be here for you Blair. Even if it's just for a few minutes, just this one time let me hold you together for once. Let me take a little bit of the pain."
Blair swallowed as she reached up with her right hand and placed it on his. She was quiet for a moment, simply breathing in and out of the place where their hands connected. Opening her eyes slowly she shifted to look at Nate. "Aren't you supposed to be Team Gwen?" She asked.
Nate frowned. He hated this, he really really hated this. "I'm not Team anyone, I just want both of you to be happy; however that's achieved." Tugging her close he wrapped her tiny frame tightly in his arms. "Whatever happens, however this shakes out. You aren't losing any of us, we're always going to be here."
Blair nodded, her head tucked tightly against his chest. She held on for a moment longer, gaining comfort and a sense of stability from the strength of Nate's hold. Exhaling she pulled back and looked up at Nate. "Thank you." He nodded as though his next words might be 'of course' and she shook her head. "No I mean it. You don't know how much I needed to hear that right now."
Nate was filled with a sense of warmth. This wasn't usually his role, he wasn't the strong and steady one; but it felt good to be there for Blair. When she started to pull back he furrowed his brows. "What do you want to do? We could go into the living room and watch a movie. I won't even complain if you want to watch Charade."
Blair smiled, reaching up to tousle Nate's hair. "After this morning I might even suggest the Sound of Music." She couldn't help but laugh as a light flickered through his eyes. She knew his favorite movie, just like he knew all of hers. "But, I actually need to start getting ready."
"For what?" Nate asked as he followed her out of the kitchen.
Blair exhaled loudly and kept walking towards the stairs, afraid she wouldn't do it if she let herself think about it. "I'm about to do the hardest thing I've done in a very long time."
"Which is…." Nate questioned leadingly.
Blair didn't stop walking but she looked back over her shoulder and smirked. "Help the woman who's engaged to marry the love of my life plan a Junior League Gala."
Nate's eyes widened. "Blair…you don't have to do this. Call and cancel!" Nate replied emphatically.
"No. I can't cancel. If I do I'll never speak to Gwen or Chuck again. I can't let myself slip away." Blair responded as she started climbing the steps.
Nate sighed. "There is a difference between slipping away and diving head first into molten lava. You're probably going to be the first person Gwen's seen since he asked her."
At that Blair paused. She hadn't even thought about the possibility of that. She knew that Gwen would at least mention it; but being the first person Gwen saw post-engagement…that was the last thing she wanted to deal with. Maybe she really should call and cancel. Blair shook her head quickly breaking herself out of that thought process. "No Nate, I'm going. And if I don't start getting ready now, I'm going to be late."
Pausing again at the top of the stairs she turned back and leveled Nate with a serious stare. "I do need a favor from you."
Brows furrowed Nate nodded. "Of course, whatever I can do." He replied seriously. Short of sabotaging Chuck and Gwen's relationship he'd do anything for her. Hell he'd caught himself thinking more than once last night that maybe Serena and Dan had been right about speeding things up by calling Austin, maybe it was time to interfere.
Nodding Blair placed a hand on the side of Nate's face and smiled sadly. "You're a good friend Nate, you really are." Swallowing, she let the warmth of his gaze give her strength before she spoke again, this time fighting the sting of tears. "If you talk to Chuck about me, I'm fine." She could see the surprise in his eyes and she tried to be affirmative but he cut her off.
"Blair…if Chuck asks how you're handling things I'm not going to say that you're fine if you're not." Nate started, shaking his head. "That's the type of thing that could make a difference. He doesn't want to hurt you, it might make him think more about this."
Blair shook her head. "No, Nate no. I don't want him knowing the kind of pain I'm in. I don't want him to change his mind because he thinks he's hurting me. I want him to change his mind because he wants to be with me."
Nate looked at her sadly. "Hurting you hurts him. You know that, I know that, we all know that. But Chuck…Chuck doesn't want to admit that's still true and he definitely doesn't want to own up to what that means. I'm not saying I'm going to run to Chuck and tell him how hurt you are but if he asks, I don't think it's in your best interest for me to lie."
At Nate's words Blair leaned her head forward, resting her forehead against his chest. She couldn't help the smile that tugged at her lips as she wrapped her arms around her friend and felt his close around her. For one quiet moment she let herself bask in the fact that Nate's intentions were so pure and she opened herself up in hopes that he could feel how in line those intentions were with her own.
Nate exhaled as he held her, earlier he'd been comforting her, this was different. He didn't know quite how to identify what this was but for some reason he felt like he understood Blair in that moment more than he ever had before. It was almost a show of solidarity, of agreement. They were on the same page, they wanted the same things; both of them were simply trying to do what was best for Chuck.
After a moment Blair looked up, pulling back slightly. "That's the thing Nate, I don't care what's in my best interest anymore. I've hurt him so many times that I don't care what it is; I don't want to hurt him again. I can handle the pain this time. He shouldn't have to."
Nate sighed as he pressed his hands against the counter in Blair's bathroom. Blair had left an hour or so ago but Serena and Dan were both still passed out in bed. He couldn't blame them; they'd stayed up most of the night comforting Blair. He actually envied their ability to sleep, he'd barely gotten any rest all night. Any time he even got close to falling asleep he'd jolt awake and find himself looking to make sure that Blair was okay.
He wouldn't admit this to Blair because he wanted her to feel like she could lean on them; but she'd scared the hell out of him last night. There was something almost life-alteringly terrifying about seeing someone so strong completely crumble. She was their rock, she always had been; what did that mean if their rock could fall apart.
He wanted to believe her when she said she was going to be okay, he really did. But there was a dark feeling in his gut that said this was all only going to get worse. Blair wasn't going to be okay losing Chuck and one day Chuck was going to realize that he felt the same way. Who knew how damaged they would both be by the time they finally admitted it to each other. Or worse, was Chuck actually still so burned by her that he would keep this up for the rest of their lives?
His knuckles were white from clutching the counter so tightly as he stared down at the sink. He'd been trying so hard to stay out of it, to stay mad at Blair, to be on Chuck's side because it wasn't his life, it wasn't his decision. If Chuck was happy with someone else after the pain that Blair had put him through, who was he to interfere with that. But last night, he saw Blair in just as much pain as he had ever seen Chuck. That told him all he needed to know. Breathing deeply he looked up at his reflection and exhaled. They had to do something about this.
"Hey." Dan spoke groggily as he pushed open the door to the bathroom, sleep still covering his features.
Swallowing Nate turned his head and looked at his friend. "Hey." He was trying to find a way to say the words he wanted to say; that it was time to interfere, that they couldn't just sit around and do nothing. But before he could say anything he saw Dan's face morph into a look of determination.
"We can't just do nothing." Dan spoke resolutely, his voice still clouded from sleep but with all its normal self-righteousness. "I know we said the other night that we'd stay out of it but I can't; we can't."
Nate almost smiled, a sensation of nervous relief flooded him that Dan felt the same at the same time a kick of adrenaline hit his system; together they could do this. "I know."
Dan's eyebrows lifted in surprise, he had thought this was going to be more of a battle with Nate, that Serena would be the easy one to convince. Settling quickly he nodded. "So what now?"
Nate shrugged, turning to face Dan and crossing his arms, his back against the counter. "I'm not sure, you're the writer right? What would come next in your story?"
Dan laughed to himself, running a hand over his face as he tried to pull his thoughts together. "Now that our heroine has been adequately miserable, it would be time to turn the tables."
Nate exhaled, remembering their conversation from the other night. "We won't know for sure if Chuck's over her unless he thinks he's losing her again."
"And to do that, it would have to be real." Dan added.
Nodding, Nate pushed off from the sink. "You know we're practically writing your next book for you."
"I don't even think there will be a next book." He replied, rather than acknowledging the fact that he hadn't told anyone he was writing book three until it was done.
At that Nate had to laugh. "Please with all the drama going on right now, there has to be a book four." As he spoke he faced the mirror looking at his own face once more.
Dan shook his head and looked down. He had to brush off Nate's comment - sometimes he felt like he was puppet mastering their lives for his own gain and it made him feel…dirty. "So are we really doing this? Are we really getting involved?"
Running his fingers through his hair, Nate clutched tightly at his crown; thinking very hard about what he was doing, what kind of effect they were talking about before meeting Dan's gaze in the mirror. "I can't stand by and watch this destroy them any longer. I can't watch two of the people I care about most in this world rip each other to shreds, it will ruin both of them and Gwen too for that matter."
"And if we do it and nothing happens, if Chuck really is unaffected, then no one's the worse for wear." Dan finished joining Nate in looking at their reflections in the mirror. "Should we warn her?" He asked after a moment.
"That we're interfering?" Nate's brows lifted, his gaze wary as he thought it through. He didn't want to do something that would hurt her, but he knew what she'd say. "No if we're doing this, we're forcing her hand; we can't tell her or that makes her complicit. If Chuck finds out he'll blame her for playing games. She's not playing games if she doesn't know."
"You know that means we can't tell Serena right?" Dan spoke calmly. He could keep that secret but he wasn't sure if Nate could.
They stood there for a long moment and Nate couldn't help but get the feeling that he'd felt earlier with Blair once more. It was as though they were on the exact same page, there was solidarity there and that was a relief. And while they weren't the most likely pair of schemers it felt kind of like they were the only ones who could pull this off. "Now the question is, do we wait until the dust settles from Chuck's proposal or do we get it over with now?"
Exhaling, Dan looked down at his feet for a moment contemplating the decision they were making before looking back at Nate. "Let's give it a few days, think about it, then if we still think it's the right move. We do it."
Nate stuck out his hand and met Dan's gaze head on. "3 Days? Or if things get worse."
"Done." Dan spoke resolutely, sticking his hand into Nate's.
Okay so that's the end of my little update. Sorry it wasn't longer but I really wanted to give you the next piece of the story this weekend. Nate finally got a chance to shine this chapter – I won't lie he's a character I enjoy writing a lot and I haven't gotten to as much in this fic as I have Dan and Serena. Next chapter we'll get to see how Blair handles seeing Gwen; plus I have some delightful flashbacks ahead (one of them is high on my list of favorite scenes I've written – you'll know it when you see it).
Until then, reviews are love.
xoxokate