So yea.. It's been awhile hasn't it? 2018 was an interesting year for me. Kinda went through with somethings I've been thinking about for years. I started transitioning at the beginning of last year and I feel like it has helped me so much in my general mood. I tried writing something for this story in 2018 but it just never worked out. So, sorry for anyone who actually like this story. I made you wait but I hope you all still enjoy it anyway.

Yang

"It's just so much at once. It can't be fair, right?" I blurted out after my long recounting of what led up to my current life with Ruby. Sarah sat the whole time, listening to it and only saying something to encourage me to continue with my tale.

"Well it certainly seems to be more responsibility than I ever had to deal with at your age." Sarah said. "What feels like too much? Raising your sister? Work?"

"Just… my life in general, I guess." I admitted. I hated that I did though. It felt like I was trapping myself. "This all just isn't right."

"Not right?" Sarah asked.

It felt painful to even look at her. I just couldn't do it while talking about my life. It shouldn't be any of her business, but I felt the need to speak anyway. "I don't know, really. I spent a lot of time as a kid believing things would be just… right. I remember thinking how my parents would never get a divorce like what happened to my friend from school. Have a normal teenage life. Off to college. I never had a thought about.."

"Being the one to raise your sister?" Sarah interrupted.

"No!" I quickly said. "I love Ruby. She isn't a problem!" The feeling of rage at that implication hit me fast and hard. "She makes me feel like everything is right. Why would that be a part of the problem?"

"No, no, no. I'm not saying Ruby is the problem." Sarah corrected.

"Then what? There isn't anything else." I said. "I've done my best to help her grow up and move past it all. It's my job."

Sarah seemed to have thought for a moment. "It feels like you just said it yourself. What else is there in your life besides taking care of Ruby? You mentioned your friends but not for long. Your story seems more about Ruby than it does your own life. Have you done anything besides this visit for yourself? Education? Relationships? Have you thought about that kind of thing?"

I thought for a second. What she was saying felt true. "I never really got a chance to go to a college or anything like that. I got my GED but that was just to make it easier for me to get any kind of job so I could support Ruby. After that it was just working and parenting."

"What about your friends that you mentioned? The little you mentioned of them sounded positive." Sarah said. "It was Blake that you met first, right?"

My head nodded instinctively. "Yea. I bumped into her at a bookstore I go to when I'm done working out at the gym."

"So you ARE doing some sort of self-improvement then?" Sarah asked.

"Well maybe? I don't know. It's distracting in a way. Ruby goes to school. I either go to work or work-out in the free-time." I explained to the now scribbling therapist. "Felt like I was wasting time if I didn't do something. My boss knows the manager at the gym and got me in without having to pay so long as I didn't cause trouble there."

Sarah was still writing stuff down. "I see. So, what about Blake? When you met her."

I shrugged my shoulders. "I mean, she's pretty cool. Always had been a calm person since I've known her. When I said I bumped into her I meant it literally. She was walking out of the bookstore when I was going in and actually ran into her. I was still a bit sweaty and got it on her brand new book. She wasn't mad, or at least, she didn't show it. Just kind of sighed and started to apologize for running into me. We just ended up kind of talking. She was kind of a nice change of pace. Instead dealing with a child all day like Ruby, I got to talk to someone my own age. It was kind of a distraction from my distraction. She's always got something to talk about since she reads so much. Especially if she read something really good. She always got a little excited compared to her usual self when she was explaining something from a recent book that she really liked."

Sarah had leaned in a bit. "You sound extra fond of her from what I'm hearing."

"Well yea. I even introduced her to Ruby when I had her with me at the gym." That old memory made me smile a bit. "Blake was a natural with her. I was worried Blake wouldn't like her all that much since Ruby was so young, but Blake took right to her. Blake would show her what she was reading and explain stuff. It got to a point where Ruby would actually ask about Blake and if we would see her that day. I mean, if Ruby liked her, then why wouldn't I?"

Sarah noted something and leaned back. "Well you talk highly of this Blake despite being only a small mention during your recounting of your life. Was your sister getting along with her the main thing that solidified your friendship with Blake?"

A small memory passed through my head and caused me to hesitate. "Things don't leave the room, right? That's like, part your patient confidant stuff?"

Sarah nodded. "Yes. As a professional I'm under obligation and regulations to not let any patient info, including what is said in this room, be viewed or repeated to anyone besides myself or yourself unless you state otherwise."

"Well that's good, I guess. I mean it's not too serious though." I said, feeling a little embarrassed. "I was just going to say that I may have crushed on her for a bit."

"Not anymore though?" Sarah asked.

I shook my head. "Not really. She is super cute and all but it just wasn't right to me. I decided after a bit that it made more sense to have her as just a friend. Otherwise it might just have potentially ruined things and be left without even just a friend. Which meant Ruby would lose a friend she really liked because I misread something or made things too awkward."

"Seems like it all circles back around to putting your sister's feelings and needs first." Sarah pointed out to me.

"Well yeah. Taking care of her is my main job. Why wouldn't I?" I asked her.

Sarah looked at her notes quickly. "Well keep in mind that you're apparently here for your own personal issues, not your sister's."

"What's your point?" I asked.

"It means that we've talked a lot about your life story and your sister but not much about how it affects you." Sarah said. "Your time is up and it feels like you actually avoided talking about yourself. The only thing we managed to grab is that you've given up a chance at having a potentially rewarding relationship with someone just so you were sure your sister wouldn't be hurt."

What Sarah said wasn't a lie. I quickly spun back everything in my head during our session and nothing was wrong about it. "Well, that's just how my life is. I kind of have to be there for her and that hasn't changed. She's my main priority. Ruby is my sister but I'm also her.. mom.. in a way. Isn't that just how it is with being a parent?"

Sarah stood up. "All I can say is that parents do have lives outside of raising their children." She took a quick look at her notes and closed them in a folder while moving back towards her desk. "Like I said though, your time is up so I need to get ready for my next appointment. I will take some time to read back over your appointment notes so maybe make some progress next time we meet. Well, if you want another session that is."

I looked around. It didn't feel like this had helped much. "But I promised Blake and Weiss that I would try this." That thought alone pushed me to nod my head. "Yeah, I want another session. I came here for Ruby and I need to follow through, I guess."

"Well, you're here for you. Keep that in mind. Those burns are on your arm, not hers. Please keep that in mind the next time you're here. Until then, I hope you'll stay out of harm's way. Take care, Yang."

"Yeah, I'll try I guess. Thanks for seeing me." I said.

I could here Sarah shuffling some stuff on her desk as closed her door behind me. I didn't really know how to feel about that whole experience. A lot talking about my past and what led up to here, but it still felt like not much was accomplished. "Is this supposed to be how it works?" I thought to myself. Hell, I didn't even know what to do next. Do I make another appointment like I said I would or do I try something else? Where do I go now? Maybe I should just go clear my mind by working out like usual. It was the only thing I could think of since it would be too soon to go back to Blake. I guess that was it then.

Pushing my way out of those doors felt a bit freeing. Even the cab of my truck felt less cramped than that waiting room with everyone eyeballing me. Trying their best to size me up about why I was there. At least.. that's what it felt like. From what I remembered the only person that actually paid me any attention was that girl in the white blazer. She got called before me though so I didn't see her again until she left Sarah's office and out the front doors immediately. Everyone else didn't actually look at me that much aside from when I first walked in.

I spent too much time lingering on that though and it was time to just get everything out at the gym. Nowhere else to go anyway.

I'm still not sure how much or if I will continue writing because motivation is a bitch nowadays but I do honestly enjoy writing for this when I do have it. Anyway, sorry for that wait and I hope you enjoyed this chapter.