Hello again loves. Sorry to leave you hanging like that but life's been crazy – I've barely been in the US the last month and when I have it's been work work work. Hopefully things are starting to slow down now and I'll be able to write a bit more. It's probably going to be a one month cadence for a while, just to keep it steady – I only have a few chapters written at this point and I've barely had a moment to write. That said, here's the next chapter, I hope you enjoy it.
To my reviewers: stilettomafia, eckomoon, Matyy, iALLIEgator, Trosev, Vaelisia, CarolinaGirlGG, mia, Izzie, Klarobass, Nelson0987, GG, pepa96, thatgggirl, and all the guest reviews Thanks first for being so patient while I got this next chapter up. Sorry I wasn't able to respond to all of your individual reviews this time. I loved all of them, your excitement was contagious and seriously helped me get past a writer's block I was having in the chapter I'm currently working on – you guys are the absolute best. I know there are a lot of mixed feelings on what's happening with Chuck and Blair, I learned a long time ago that I'll never please everyone, but I do hope you enjoy this chapter. Xoxo kate
To my beta: kosoul7 – I wouldn't have anything to post without you. Thanks love!
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Rated: Back to a regular T following the smut from last chapter.
Chapter 23: All We Do is Burn it Down
They scrambled to stand and straighten their clothes, looking in horror at the doorway.
"Nathaniel," Chuck said smoothly, feeling anything but. He couldn't breathe let alone function well enough to think.
Nate shook his head, blinking rapidly as he quickly closed the door behind him, turning for a moment to let them finish straightening their clothing. It didn't matter that he used to sleep with Blair himself, he didn't know just how undressed she might be and knowing would only make him culpable in all of this. For all he knew they'd just been making out…or at least that's what he was going to tell himself. "You're both idiots," Nate called out, still facing the closed door.
Neither of them responded to Nate as they stared at each other, quickly fixing their clothes. Blair yanked her dress down her legs aware of the sound of a zipper from Chuck. Reaching out, Blair quickly fixed his tie and straightened his collar, before rubbing off a smudge of her lipstick from his jaw.
Chuck finished with his belt before tugging the shoulder of her dress higher to cover what he knew would turn into a bite mark from his teeth then running his fingers through her hair to straighten where he'd been gripping only moments ago.
I don't hear anything. Nate repeated in his head before turning around to find them straightening each other's clothes, almost tenderly. He paused for a moment wondering if he should say more when any words would feel like an intrusion. That was what he usually did, sit back, let everyone else handle it; but everyone else was usually Chuck or Blair and regardless of what he wanted, he knew they both needed to be yelled at by someone and he was the only one that was here. "I'm not sure what the hell either of you were thinking, both of your fiancés are downstairs…at your engagement party no less," he said gesturing to Chuck.
"What does this mean Chuck?" Blair asked quickly before looking at Nate. "He's not my fiancé."
Chuck looked at Blair carefully, trying to get himself back under control, which was impossible with her standing there staring at him like he owned her soul; especially with her lips rouged from kissing him. So he didn't say anything.
Nate continued shaking his head. "Okay…I guess you weren't thinking at all, that was a stupid question."
Chuck wanted to shake his head…that wasn't true; it was the opposite problem, he'd been thinking too much about everything. But he didn't, he stayed silent.
"Chuck I'm serious, what was this?" She asked ignoring Nate and placing a hand on Chuck's arm; almost surprised that he didn't push her away.
Nate exhaled loudly. "You guys are damn lucky it was me who came to find Blair when she didn't come back from the bathroom. I still can't believe what I witnessed. If it had been anyone else who walked by the door…"
"I can't control the fact that you barged in here Nate," Blair replied her eyes never moving from Chuck's. Still silently imploring him to explain what had just happened between them.
Chuck couldn't seem to break her gaze as her eyes searched his for answers; even though he felt like he had nothing to give her.
"You fucking left the door open Blair…what did you expect?" Nate asked as he ran a hand through his hair.
At that Blair's head turned towards Nate tilting curiously. How had that happened? It hit her like a wave of realization. "When we backed away from the door…I had been holding onto the door handle."
The moment Blair looked away it was as though her hold on him snapped. Chuck looked wildly around the room, gaze passing over Nate, refusing to look at her until finally, his eyes landed on a picture with Gwen on their last trip to Paris. His heart clenched painfully in his chest, what had he done to her. "It means we're idiots." He cut in, barely even registering that Blair and Nate had been talking to begin with.
"What?" Blair asked, head snapping quickly back to Chuck's, immediately noting that his gaze was somewhere to the side of her temple, even though he was facing her.
Chuck shook his head, his voice holding a certain sadness and disappointment when he spoke. "This isn't who we are anymore…we aren't horny teenagers having hate sex on a piano. Or an office desk." He added with a gesture towards his desk that they'd recently been occupying.
Nate didn't say anything this time, he felt the need to leave, to get out of there but he was rooted to the spot.
"Chuck…" Blair started taking a step towards him and placing a hand on his face. She was surprised again, this time because he did jerk from her touch.
"No Blair. Go be with your fiancé." Chuck spoke quickly, his voice harsh but not angry…not with anyone but himself.
Blair shook her head. "I already told you, he's not-"
Chuck turned his gaze quickly to hers and nodded so that even considering everything that had transpired in the past hour, she would understand that he meant his next words. "He should be."
Blair felt her stomach flip as a gasp ripped from her throat. He meant that…after what had just happened he still meant that.
"If we keep doing this to one another we're just going to ruin everything, we're going to burn it all down Blair." Chuck spoke taking another step back from her. Looking over to Nate he gestured with his head. "Get her out of here Nathaniel and tell everyone that I'll have to excuse myself from dessert. If Gwen asks, tell her it's the Donnelley account."
Hearing his cue, Nate took two quick steps forward and clasped Blair's elbow. "Come on, it's time to go." He was surprised when she complied immediately, her steps quicker than his as they walked from the room. "Go to the restroom and fix your make up," he spoke as they reached the bathroom on the first floor. "I'll tell everyone you're not feeling well."
Blair nodded quickly and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind her and immediately sliding to the floor.
Blair shook her head, pulling it from the cold sanctity of the town car window in an attempt to shake off the memory of how her encounter with Chuck had ended tonight.
"I'm sorry you're not feeling well." Austin spoke warmly, unable to stop his leg from bouncing as he looked towards Blair. She was still staring out the window of the town car, her head pressed against the glass. "Was it the food?" He asked, doing his best to hold back the anxiety from his voice.
Blair wanted to shake her head but that would require moving and she didn't feel like moving. The pane of the glass was cold; cold was good. "No probably just the champagne from earlier."
Austin reached out cautiously, bringing his hand to her shoulder. He wanted to say something but he didn't know what to say. He knew better than to think this was alcohol related, Blair could hold her own where that was concerned.
Blair felt her body relax at the warmth Austin's hand provided and sat up from the window. "I was drinking on an empty stomach and it wasn't exactly Dom." She said turning towards him and giving him a forced smile, besides that was a lie, it was Dom '95, her favorite. She leaned against his shoulder, aching for more of that warmth.
Austin looked down, a frown on his face. "You really do feel warm. Maybe you're coming down with something."
Blair almost flinched at his words. She wasn't sure what she wanted but that wasn't it and he sounded…dismissive. If he was afraid she'd get him sick, she wasn't going to lay on him and she didn't have the energy for a larger discussion on it today.
His brows pulled together as she started to move away from him. That wasn't what he meant for her to do. "Come here." He said pulling her towards him, adjusting to give her a comfortable opening against his chest to lay on. Once she was against him he wrapped his arms around her, cradling her against him.
Smiling sadly, Blair allowed herself this moment of comfort against him. He was better than she deserved, so much better. Opening her mouth she was about to say it, to admit what she'd done tonight. Chuck was right, they were terrible people and the only way to change that was to stop hiding. Had she been using Austin? She didn't think so but there was a good chance he would see it that way. That didn't matter, she did love him, she just had to be honest with him.
"And I'm sorry for what I said earlier." Austin added with an exhale, his confession finally stilling his jumpy leg as he stared over her head and waited for her reaction.
Blair blinked in confusion, not moving from her place against his chest. "What do you mean? You don't have anything to be sorry for." She was the one who owed him an apology. He'd come to her heart in hand wanting to start over and she'd been misleading him.
Austin nodded, looking down at her lying on his chest. "Yes I do. For some reason I was feeling insanely protective of you of us…I think what you told me about dating Chuck got to me earlier and I kept imagining things that he was saying and doing meant more than they did." He confessed, remembering back to the drink conversation before dinner and then his attitude when questioned at the table. He'd let her earlier admission get to him and it had effected his behavior all night.
"Austin…you weren't out of line." Blair spoke carefully, glad that she didn't have to meet his gaze for this conversation, she felt so guilty. She was the one who'd done something tonight and it was exactly what Austin thought he'd imagined going on – it hadn't been his imagination yet here he was apologizing to her. And why had she done it? For a hot 'almost' fuck in Chuck's home office? Chuck had really let it all go tonight and still in the end his body had wanted her but his heart didn't. No his body had needed her but even then, he hadn't wanted her.
Austin shook his head, his voice resolute. "I was and I'm sorry." He had to take ownership of this, how he'd acted, and he needed to do it before she started to resent him. He wasn't stupid, he knew that was part of what had driven her to feel ill tonight. "I was trying to pressure you into making us something more than what we were to impress Chuck. I don't know why I didn't act like that towards Nate or Dan knowing what I know about your relations with them…"
Blair was practically gaping, at a complete loss for words as Austin continued apologizing for his behavior, something that wasn't completely unwarranted even if it had been borderline rude.
Austin took a deep breath and shook his head; honesty, this had to be about honesty. "That isn't true…I do know why I only acted like that towards Chuck. I could tell that your relationship with him meant more because of how you said it, slipped discretely into a conversation."
"You could?" Blair asked, surprise mingling with awe in her voice, her head tilting up towards him for the first time in this conversation. He'd known and hadn't even said anything.
Austin tilted his head to the side, his eyes warm and wet. "Yes of course I could; but that's beside the point. I was an incomprehensible ass at dinner. And I'm sorry. I just…" He paused gathering his bearings, condensing his thoughts; he had to be clear about this, declarative. "I love you and I want to marry you. And Chuck…he made me feel threatened. No, I felt threatened so I lashed out. That's on me, no one else."
Blair could feel a quick tightening in her heart that spread quickly to her throat. His admission was so completely jolting. He was so honest. It was that rare, unprompted sort of honesty that couldn't help but break through her defenses. She hadn't asked him to do that, hadn't asked him to lay everything bare for her and he had anyway. She'd come back to New York to find out if there was still something there with Chuck, to make sure she didn't walk down the aisle with a big 'what if' hanging over her head but now…that just wasn't true anymore. There was no more 'what if'.
"But I get that you're not ready for that kind of commitment right now." Austin spoke again, breaking through the almost deafening silence that had filled the backseat. "So I shouldn't have made you feel uncomfortable tonight by pushing the situation."
"Ask me again." Blair cut in, her voice filled with a certainty she'd thought she'd lost.
Austin paused, her words jolting his brain with how unexpected they were. He had no clue what she was talking about. Running his hand up and down her shoulder, he smiled down at her, looking to meet her gaze. "Okay darling, you're going to have to help me out on this one."
Blair tilted her head up, meeting his gaze and smiled. "Ask me your question again."
Austin blinked once, quickly, as realization hit of what she meant. "Will you marry me?" He questioned, unable to constrain the elated awe from showing on his face.
Blair smiled, nodding her head. "Yes, I will. Now give me back my ring."
It had been at least an hour since he'd woken up and he was still staring at the ceiling – it was closing in on 4:00am now. It had been a long time since he'd felt this kind of self-loathing. Always before it had been something he'd done to Blair: leaving her to go to Tuscany by herself, leaving her after his father's funeral, telling her to stop playing the wife after the reading of his father's will, trading her to Jack for the Empire, not waiting for her at the top of the Empire State Building, sleeping with Jenny, not admitting that he loved her the next fall, manipulating her when he thought she had feelings for Dan and then giving her to Louis, a man who didn't deserve her.
This time, it was because of something he'd done with her, something he'd done to Gwen. He'd been about to fuck Blair, at their engagement party no less. He felt physically ill at his actions, stomach churning in on itself. Gwen deserved so much more than this.
God was that ever becoming a mantra. He thought as he rolled his eyes. Could he be any lower? He was sitting here telling himself that he wasn't good enough for Gwen, that she deserved more. That was a bunch of bullshit. Not that she deserved more…just the fact that he was simply telling himself that. He was better than this; he was a man who took responsibility for his actions. Instead of repeating that she deserved more he needed to man the fuck up and act like it. He was making excuses for himself.
A low growl was burning the back of his throat as he thought about it. He wanted to be different, he wanted to take control; hell he'd been sure he was already in control. He'd kissed Blair weeks ago and sure he'd thought about the kiss a couple times since then but it hadn't driven him mad. He'd still been happy with the path he'd chosen; ecstatic to be marrying Gwen. What had set him off like that?
There were only a few things in the situation that had changed, he and Gwen had gotten engaged, Blair had seemed to accept it was over and Austin had shown up. Logically, Austin's appearance would be the most significant in this case but for once that didn't make sense. He had been aware of her relationship with Austin for 4 years now, since a time when he'd actually had a right to be jealous or possessive. Hell, the first time she'd slept with Austin they'd still been married and even then, it hadn't created this madness inside of him.
He had seen Blair with Austin before in person and hadn't gone off – more than once really. He'd known they were together at Duke, he'd known when she had disappeared on him in the Hamptons and later when he'd finally found her again at Stanford he'd seen them there together twice. The second time had been strange but the first…the first he'd watched enough that he should have been pounding down their apartment door and tossing her over his shoulder to take home with him to New York. He'd felt longing then, but not this possessiveness and that's when he should have, that's when he still held some kind of claim over her – it was only six months after the Hamptons.
This didn't make any sense. He'd just started dating Gwen then, now they were engaged and he was completely in love with her. Then, he'd been consumed by thoughts of finding a way to get Blair back; recently all he'd wanted was for her to leave him alone. Then, he'd only felt sadness and longing but last night, he'd been completely overtaken by something else entirely, something dark and twisted within him.
Groaning Chuck laid back against his headboard, reaching for his iPhone he clicked shuffle on the Viral Hits playlist on Spotify, he needed something energetic to get him out of this funk. As a song started playing he almost flinched, that was the last thing he needed, especially right now. He hated this song, but at this point it was like a car crash you just couldn't look away from. This song was California to him. It was that time in his life. He could have written it himself.
I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted
I thought about our last kiss, how it felt the way you tasted
That trip was burned into his brain; it was one of those times in his life that had seared itself onto his memory and just wouldn't fade. Maybe it was the song, maybe it was partially because he'd been reading his journals. Even though they ended before his visit; before his PI even found Blair at Stanford. It was something stupid about being registered under the wrong name that had made her impossible to find. In truth he wasn't certain that she hadn't done it intentionally to keep him away; but if she had why would she have corrected it on a random day in March? He'd fired every PI he'd had on retainer over that debacle, Andrew Tyler was the only one he'd kept on and that was only because he'd been the one to finally find her.
This song, made it so easy to slide back to that place, to those feelings again. Even though he was dating Gwen he was still drowning in Blair. Stalking all the places they used to go together like some kind of obsessed psycho killer. Completely and totally haunted by the memory of her, of them, of who they'd been together. And sometimes if he tried hard enough he'd been able to make himself dream about her, months after he'd sworn he'd given her up he still tried every night to dream of her. So of course he'd flown out as soon as he'd found out, no one could have stopped him. And this song…it brought him back to that time like those dreams used to bring him back to her.
"Are you sure you're okay Sir? You don't need anything?" The stewardess asked for what had to be the tenth time. "Another Scotch?"
And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine
Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he's right beside you?
Chuck shifted his gaze to her from the window. "I'm fine."
"Nervous flyer?" She asked with a smile, gesturing towards his bouncing leg; her eyelashes batting flirtatiously as she leaned in closer.
"No." Narrowing his gaze Chuck spoke quickly and sharply before turning his head back to the window. He wasn't in the mood for a flirtatious flight attendant. He wanted to groan in frustration somewhere around the fourth time she'd tried to make conversation – now it was just getting pathetic. He really hated flying commercial. He almost wished he had waited for them to bring up the Bass Jet from where it was housed; but that would have taken too long and he didn't want to waste a moment.
The annoying flight attendant was right about one thing though; he couldn't contain the nervous energy flowing through him, bouncing his knee seemed to be his outlet. But it had nothing to do with the flying and everything to do with her. He was going to see her. In a matter of hours he was going to see her. It felt surreal. He'd imagined this moment a million times and could hardly believe it was finally happening.
When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?
Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?
In truth he almost convinced himself he'd moved on – granted he was still looking for her, calling her parents, dropping by her old place, checking in with Serena to see how she was, even swinging by her favorite spots in the city – but at this point that was all practically rote. No he'd been sure he was moving past her until he'd gotten the text from Andrew Tyler this morning in a meeting.
Found her. It had been simple, just two words. Found her. Yet those two words had rocked his entire world. Found her.
The moment was clear in his mind as though everything had suddenly shifted and everything that he thought he'd known had disappeared into thin air and it was obvious just how completely and totally fucked up he was without her. Whatever was going on with Gwen, whatever he thought they were building, it wasn't this, it wasn't what he had with Blair.
He'd walked out of the meeting immediately, knowing he had to go to her wherever she was. The moment he found out she'd been at Stanford all along, he'd almost thrown his cell phone against the wall…all this time she'd been there and some ridiculous bullshit had kept him from finding her. A Registrar's office mixup? How did that even happen now with technology?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?
'Cause I'm not fine at all
Having his assistant cancel his meetings for the next two days he'd been on the first flight to San Francisco. This was the first time he'd stopped moving since he'd gotten the news. All morning he'd been running around racing out of meetings, trying to get the Bass Jet into one of the small airports nearby, racing to the airport and hoping on the first commercial plane. During all that time adrenaline had kept him afloat, he hadn't even had time to consider just what this was, what it meant.
It had been months since he'd seen her. He'd looked everywhere for her just like the last time when she'd left him but this time had been different. The first time he'd actually understood. It was so much so fast – they'd gone from barely speaking to married in a matter of days – when it was back to reality it had been too much for her. He'd told her as much when they were in the Hamptons, he'd told her they could start over that nothing that had kept them apart mattered. And she'd left him again, left him and ripped his heart out. She hadn't lied about the divorce. He'd immediately had Andrew Tyler check into it when he got back – it was too late to stop it.
He'd spent month after agonizing month trying to figure it out. Why had she let what happened in the Hamptons happen if she'd already filed for divorce? Why put him through that only to leave him again? He didn't understand. In all these months he hadn't been able to make sense of it and he couldn't find her to make her explain it to him. He'd sworn to her that night that he wasn't going to let her go, he wasn't going to let her leave him again. And he'd believed his words. Nothing had ever been beyond his reach before, nothing beyond his control. He'd had every intention of tracking her down and dragging her back to him but he'd failed.
I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down your face
Not for the first time he wondered if that was what she'd wanted…for him to find her and prove that he always would. That's something she would do but if it's what she'd wanted she would have made it easy for him to find her – not impossible. And this…this had been impossible.
His throat rippled as what could only be considered a growl drew forth, a wrong name on her transcript? That wasn't her style at all. For the first time he found himself asking what name she'd been registered under her. He knew it wasn't Waldorf…could it have been Bass? He doubted it. If that were the case the PI's would have found it a lot sooner, besides she'd never had her name changed. But if it was…if there was even a chance that's what she'd been registered under maybe it hadn't been a mistake, maybe it had been her trying to send him a message.
He shook his head again he couldn't let that kind of hope into his head, it would turn everything else to mush and he needed his wits for this one, he had to strategize. He had to start thinking about the worst case scenario, that being that she really had been hiding from him all along and didn't want him to find her. If he had to convince her they were forever he would, he would find a way if it killed him. What would he say though? What if she was happy with this guy? What if she finally had everything she'd ever wanted and he wasn't part of that? What could he say then?
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
All he had was the past. All he had were memories. Those hadn't been enough in the Hamptons, how could he make them be enough now? There was part of him that was terrified that it wouldn't be. But the larger part of him, or maybe just the more important part of him, was convinced that it was more than enough.
He couldn't stop thinking about the Hamptons, the last time he'd seen her, touched her, kissed her. That final glance in the rain. It had to be enough.
Chuck pressed his head back against the head rest. God what if it really had been about revenge? That was the hardest pill for him to swallow. And Serena, Serena had assured him that Blair was fine, that she was happy even. But what if she wasn't? Was that a possibility too? Could she still be waiting for him to find her?
Nodding his head Chuck let his thoughts slip back to the Hamptons for what he knew wouldn't be the last time. He'd seen it in her eyes when she'd left. She'd been just as destroyed on the inside as he had been.
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
There was something more. Something she wasn't telling him. Part of him felt like maybe she'd been trying to protect him. But what could she be trying to protect him from? He didn't care about anything but her.
She'd thrown everything they'd rebuilt away. They'd made plans – it hadn't just been playing house in fantasy land. They were going to make it work this time, he'd been committed to that and he'd been certain that she'd been committed to it too.
He got it that they'd only had these stolen moments the last few years – first in Italy and then in the Hamptons. Moments suspended in some alternate universe away from reality. He'd always wondered if it was fear of the real world that sent her running but she never even let them be together long enough in the real world to know for sure. And he knew they could make it, he knew that what they had could last. How did she not?
How did she have so little faith in them that she didn't think they could really make it work outside of the bubble they created for themselves?
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape
That was the thought that hurt more than everything else because it meant she didn't believe in them. And for that to be the case, then it had to mean that she didn't believe in him. After everything that they'd been through he'd always thought that he'd have that.
He almost flinched in pain at the thought. Her belief in him was the one thing that had gotten him through his dad's death, the emergence of his fake mom, his heartbreak over losing her in that damnable hotel situation and again when she left him the first time. It was what kept him going. If he didn't have that, he wasn't sure he had anything.
He had to get her back. He had to. Once more he forced his brain back to the moment she'd walked away from him, back to that look in her eyes. She wasn't fine then. She wouldn't be fine now. She couldn't be fine because what they had…that wasn't one sided. It would be enough. He would bring her home.
He'd know what to say, the moment he saw her he'd know exactly what to say. He'd tell her how much pain he was in and she'd see that they were meant to be together, she'd remember. God he had so many questions for her. Was she hurting like he was? Why had she really left him in the Hamptons? Did she love this other guy? Had she been waiting for him all along? So many questions, questions that had been accumulating for months. And in just a few more hours he'd finally be able to ask her.
'Cause I'm not fine at all
Looking down at his phone his thumb scrolled through the pictures from the Hamptons. They'd taken so many but almost all of them had been on her phone. He only had the couple she'd sent him immediately. He'd never thought to ask for more, who cared who's phone the pictures were on they had the rest of their lives together to take a million more pictures. He regretted that now because it left him with so few concrete moments to look back on.
He'd been so alone after she'd left him that he'd probably looked at these pictures thousands of times. It reminded him that he wasn't wrong about them. Stopping the scroll on a selfie they took on the beach his heart gave an intense thump. He ran his finger over her smile. She'd been happy. That was real. This was going to be enough.
He glanced up at the apartment door his car had pulled in front of. This was her door. This was where she'd been all this time. Living here with a girl named Isobel. He was going to see her for the first time in almost 10 months. He was going to see her. He was going to hear her voice. She was going to hear him out. And he was going to bring her home. It was going to be enough.
Walking out of the car he paused for a moment taking a deep breath to calm his racing heart. Once he was certain that he had complete control, or maybe once he was certain he had enough control that his anticipation wouldn't let him wait any longer, he walked towards her door and gave two firm knocks.
The pictures that you sent me they're still living in my phone
I'll admit I like to see them, I'll admit I feel alone
Forcing himself to stand still, even as eager anticipation had his nerves ratcheting up to incomprehensible levels, Chuck waited. He heard someone inside, a voice calling that they were coming. He was glad for the warning before the door opened because that wasn't her voice and he wasn't sure he could have handled the disappointment otherwise.
An out of breath woman about Blair's age answered the door. "Hi!" She said with a bright small before tilting her head slightly to the side. "Actually…I don't know you do I?" She asked with a laugh. "Sorry, I'm a mess. How can I help you?"
The blonde that answered the door was pretty in an obvious way. She looked very…LA. And she had a strange air about her like she might be constantly in motion but even though she seemed slightly scattered he had a feeling she was tough. The name Isobel didn't seem to fit. Chuck took his hand off the doorframe and extended it. "Charles Bass. You must be Isobel?"
The blond almost snorted as a sharp laugh flew from her throat. "Izzy, please. Izzy Hastings." She said extending her own hand into his. For a moment she froze as realization hit her. Bass…Charles…Chuck...Clark…Bianca. She knew who this was. Her brain worked quickly, happy as always to hide behind the slightly flustered impression she gave as she decided how to handle this. How much should she admit to knowing? Deciding dumb was her best bet she smiled again. "So Charles Bass, what ever has brought you to my apartment door?"
And all my friends keep asking why I'm not around
Chuck smiled trying not to let the anticipation get the best of him, he was Chuck Bass he could handle this. "I'm actually looking for Blair. I'm an old friend of hers from New York. I was in the area and wanted to surprise her."
Izzy furrowed her brow. "Blair moved out a few days ago. She and I lived together and our boyfriends lived together, we just swapped. I can give you her new address though."
He felt that news rack through his body, shaking him to his core and throttling his system but he refused to let it show on his face. She'd moved in with him…she'd moved in with the boy. It was a hard pill to swallow but he forced his lips into some semblance of a smile and nodded. "That would be great. Thank you."
"Sure sure." Izzy spoke quickly grabbing a notepad to write out directions. "Wouldn't want to spoil the surprise." She spoke, trying to keep the smirk out of her voice. Blair might actually kill her for this one. Tearing off the paper she held it out for Chuck. "Here you go."
Chuck smiled and nodded, already taking a step back. "Thanks again." He saw Izzy wave him off and immediately took off back to the car. Passing the driver the address he motioned for him to move it.
It hurts to know you're happy, yeah, it hurts that you've moved on
It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long
This time he didn't sit back in his seat, he had much too much nervous energy now. That was supposed to have been it; he was supposed to have been with her by now. Dragging it out was making everything worse – and he wasn't even going to allow himself to think what the recent news meant. He was not ready to consider the possibility that she could be happy enough to start a future with the other guy. His heart clenched painfully at the thought. No – it wasn't going to happen – he wasn't going to let it.
As the driver pulled up to the townhouse apartment complex further off campus he didn't even hesitate before jumping out of the car. He'd gotten himself ready last time, this time he just needed to get this over with or he'd start second guessing himself.
Walking towards the building he almost laughed to himself. This was a much trickier situation – the other guy could actually be here. Assessing himself quickly he decided he didn't give a damn…hell maybe it was even better that way.
He continued walking, taking a path down to where their apartment should be located. As he rounded on the building he froze. He could hear her. The butterflies he'd had since her seventeenth birthday erupted within him at that sound. He wasn't quite close enough that he could hear her words but there must be a window open or something. Walking closer he saw it. There was a screen door on the back side of their apartment leading out onto a balcony. He could see straight into what must be their apartment.
The first site of her sent him spinning. It was just her back but he could see how at ease she was. Worse than that he could see the look in the other guy's eyes – even from a distance he could see that the other guy loved her. He laughed as she tossed something at him before returning to a box closer to the window and Chuck's breath caught in his throat.
It's like we never happened, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?
She was smiling, he could hear her laughter even if he couldn't hear her words. He could tell they were teasing each other as they unpacked her things replacing some of his in what had been a guy's apartment. They were so domestic. Stepping closer he compromised some of his sight of the room in order to hear what they were saying, hoping that looks were deceiving, hoping that this wasn't what it seemed.
"Get over it Austin, my stuff is just nicer." Blair spoke matter-of-factly. Chuck felt a gut wrenching pain at hearing the other guy's name said out loud. He'd known it of course but somehow his refusal to give it a voice had allowed him to think it wasn't real.
"Yeah and the first time I spill something on one of your 'nicer' pillows you're going to regret that decision." The other guy spoke, his tone laughing.
Chuck watched as Blair raised her eyebrows, placing both of her fists on her hips. "You ruin any of my pillows and this relationship may not make it." He could see the playful tilt of her head, she was teasing the other guy.
'Cause I'm not fine at all
The other guy was smirking at her now, barely holding back a smile. "Those are fighting words darling."
Blair turned laughing as he rushed her, grabbing her around the waist immediately going for her most ticklish spot. Chuck exhaled…he wasn't the only one who knew about that anymore. As the other guy spun her Blair flailed, her laughter bursting through the room. "Stop it. Austin! We have to get unpacked."
"But I don't want too." The guy said, even as he slowed their spinning and came to a stop; his arms still cradling Blair. The way he held her, it was as though she was the most precious thing in the world. He leaned down, voice lowering to the point that Chuck couldn't hear what he said, he could only see the guy's forehead resting on hers.
Chuck could see her hand on the other guy's chest, watched as she leaned up and placed her lips on his before stepping back and reaching for a stack of plates from one of the boxes. "If you don't want to unpack you can start moving the bookshelf and getting it fixed up while I work on the kitchen."
I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down your face
Watching her walk from the room, Chuck knew this was the right time. He either needed to go knock on the door or he needed to get the hell out of there and forget this ever happened. Instead he just stood there. Even without Blair's presence to transfix him he found himself studying the other guy…studying Austin. He was Blair's type physically – as much as Blair had a type. Tall, well-pedigreed, and handsome and he called her darling, something Chuck knew Blair probably adored.
For all of Austin's protesting, without Blair there, he did immediately get to work finishing the couple of boxes they'd been working on. It wasn't until he moved to the bookcase and started adding in Blair's collection that Chuck realized Blair had been gone a long time. That was odd, he was sure she'd just taken that one stack of plates. Perhaps there were other boxes already in the kitchen since Austin didn't seem to notice.
He noticed her before Austin did, he felt her presence, just like always. His eyes snapped to where she stood in the doorway she'd gone out earlier and his heart dropped. An intense longing washed through his system as she posed, waiting on Austin to notice. Chuck was already dreading that moment. She was wearing a Duke basketball jersey that was several sizes too big for her and nothing else.
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
When Austin finally noticed her, it was like a punch to Chuck's gut. The jersey was clearly some kind of overture Blair was making. She'd wrapped herself up like a present, especially for Austin. Their words flickered in and out of his comprehension, he caught just enough to hearing her propose a break from unpacking. He watched as she sauntered towards Austin, pushing back on his shoulders so that he landed on the couch looking up at her in awe.
Blair stepped forward bringing one knee up on one side of Austin and one on the other, straddling him. He felt the disgust churn in his stomach as he kept watching, seemingly unable to look away even as Austin pulled her to him. He knew they were speaking but he couldn't hear their words, all of his senses were blurring together as his world fell apart.
He saw her lean in pressing her lips to his and flinched as his heart squeezed painfully in his chest. He felt as though the air was being sucked from his lungs and yet he still couldn't break his gaze. Everything around him was collapsing. The carefully harnessed illusion he'd crafted was gone. It was those weeks after the Hamptons all over again. This was every fear he'd ever had about finding her all rolled into one. This was the metaphorical white picket fence; the normal that he wanted to have with her and now she had it with someone else.
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
God it was a bad movie playing right in front of him. Perfect house, perfect girl, perfect guy, nauseatingly perfect sex life, he half expected a dog to come running into the room at any moment. She'd never wanted this; he'd wanted this for them. This was supposed to be their story. He didn't understand how this could have happened.
His heart was shattering all over again and she looked completely fine. She looked better than fine. She looked happy. And she looked content. Something he wasn't sure she'd ever been with him. He remembered her words back in the Hamptons, she'd claimed she'd forgotten what happy felt like when she wasn't with him. But that was a lie, it had to be because she sure as hell looked happy now. He shook his head, trying to wake himself from this horrific nightmare. His eyes landed back on them for only a moment, only long enough to see that Austin's hands were underneath the jersey before he was finally able to jerk away.
All this time, he'd been fooling himself. He'd spent the whole flight here convincing himself that it hadn't just been a charade that his feelings for her hadn't been one sided, that that was an impossibility. He loved her so deeply that that kind of love couldn't not be reciprocated. So she had to be in the same kind of pain that he was. But if it hadn't all been a charade, how could she possibly be fine right now?
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape
Chuck could feel his body shaking as he walked back to the car. He tried to grasp his phone in his pocket but it kept sliding through his hands. It seemed impossible to grip onto anything. Giving up he quickened his steps. He needed support, something to hold him up because it damn well felt like his entire reality was crashing down. It had been a lie…everything had been a lie.
Reaching the car he leaned against it, letting it support him. He'd seen it through his own eyes now, he couldn't deny it. The illusion he'd created that she could possibly have always meant for him to find her, that she was destroyed inside that he'd never come for her, that even when she was with Austin she felt alone because she wasn't with him; was gone. It hadn't gently faded away, it had been spray painted over in all too vivid colors. Blair was maybe the happiest he'd ever seen her, she didn't miss him.
His mind couldn't seem to wrap itself around it – he was almost numb – but not quite. Numb would have been preferable. Numb would mean that it didn't feel like his entire body was rebelling against him. Maybe his brain was numb. But that didn't feel right either. If his brain was numb he wouldn't be seeing her in that damn jersey on loop in his head. He wanted to forget it…more than that he wanted to forget her.
If today I woke up with you right beside me
Like all of this was just some twisted dream
Pain lacing through him as he thought about how close he'd been. Part of him wanted to turn around and go back. God damn it he was a masochist.
Placing both his hands on the hood he braced himself. All he wanted now was for that illusion he'd built to come back. It had been so fucking vivid – he'd convinced himself it was reality.
But now focusing as hard as he could he couldn't bring it back. He tried to picture Blair missing him, pining for him, being miserable without him.
I'd hold you closer than I ever did before
He tried to imagine her opening the door, seeing him, running into his arms.
He tried to bring to mind one of the million excuses he'd concocted over the last year for why she'd left in the Hamptons.
He tried to picture waking up next to her in bed back in New York all of this behind him, their own blue period.
And you'd never slip away
And you'd never hear me say
He tried to hear her voice, lips against his ear whispering. 'I'll never leave you again. I promise. I'm yours.'
And his response, slipping from his lips unbidden. 'And I'm yours…always yours. I promise.'
All things he'd pictured a thousand times before. But none of them lasted, none of them were strong enough to feel real. They were faded now. And after only a moment reality slipped through, tearing the images to shreds.
I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down your face
And still he wanted to go back. He knew now that that was stupid. She didn't want him here, she didn't want to be with him. She had been nothing but clear and he'd been too blinded by his love for her to see it.
She really had done it for revenge. That was the only explanation for it. She'd given him every reassurance in the world in the Hamptons that she felt the same way he did. It didn't matter that that was 10 months ago – feelings like that didn't go away. For her to be able to feel like this with someone else had to mean that the Hamptons had all been a game to her.
Looking back towards the apartment complex once more he shook his head. "Game over Blair…you win." He spoke to himself before yanking open the door of the car.
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
Sitting in the car he gave the driver instructions to take him straight to the airport. He was getting out of this state and back home pronto. Shaking his head he scoffed what had he even been doing here, why had he even bothered? He should have given up on this, given up on her, a long fucking time ago.
This time he had no trouble pulling out his phone to call Andrew Tyler. He was going to drop the surveillance, there wasn't a point any more. He'd seen everything there was to see. He didn't need to care what she was doing.
It was as the phone was ringing that her eyes flashed before him again. The eyes from the day she'd left him in the Hamptons. And like always a twisting in his gut swore to him that she hadn't wanted to go.
"Doesn't matter. She did." Chuck said to himself as he tried to shake the feeling.
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
"What? Chuck? What did you say?"
Chuck looked down at the phone. He'd forgotten that he'd been calling Andrew Tyler. Shaking his head again he tried to focus. "Tyler, I called because I'm on my way back to New York."
"You've got to be kidding? That's all it took. You haven't been on the ground for two hours."
Chuck didn't say anything for a moment. Tyler thought he had Blair with him…
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape
"Don't worry I booked two return tickets on the way back for you two."
Exhaling Chuck shook his head. He opened his mouth to tell Tyler what happened and to kill the surveillance but when he did nothing came out. "No just telling you I'm flying back alone and I want you to keep watching her."
Hanging up the phone on Tyler's response he pressed his head back against the seat. "Always the masochist huh Bass? At least when it comes to her…"
"Did you say something sir?" The driver called back.
'Cause I'm not fine at all
No, I'm really not fine at all
Chuck was about to shake his head when instead he spoke. "Would you mind turning on the radio?
"Of course sir." The driver replied.
Leaning back, Chuck couldn't help but think about the mess he'd gotten himself into. He should stop this madness; he shouldn't keep holding out this hope beyond all semblance of responsibility.
As the song 'Amnesia' came over the speakers he almost flinched – he was happy to realize it was the closing lines. Clearly the gods were trying to tell him something. But it still didn't matter, he couldn't do it. He couldn't forget about her if he tried. He can't stop now, he can't give up on her. And even though he's committed to figuring things out with Gwen, he knows that he'd always go back to Blair. Always.
Tell me this is just a dream
'Cause I'm really not fine at all
Swallowing as the song finished Chuck recognized immediately that he was shaking and what's worse he knew why. Always before he'd believed that he and Blair were inevitable, that no matter what they were going to end up back together. That's why he'd been able to walk away each time. That's why seeing her with Austin hadn't sent him into a murderous rage. Always before he'd seen Austin as some kind of speed bump, a detour along the way to where they were going to end up. He'd believed with everything in him that they would always find their way back to each other.
That's what made this different. This time when he'd seen her with Austin she was something that wasn't his; that was never going to be his again. She was the shiny object. "Damn it."
He almost wished he were actually still hopelessly in love with her. He knew how to deal with that…the love. He could shove it down and lock it away. This was worse. This just meant he was the world's biggest asshole and the fact that he was twisting his fingers around her panties, hidden in his jacket pocket did nothing to negate that.
SOOO It might not have exactly been the happy turn of events you guys were hoping for this chapter BUT I hope you still enjoyed it. I'm not saying Chuck and Blair won't find their way back to each other, but if they do it won't be that easy. This Chuck flashback is interesting for me, I hope you were paying attention because we might just get another POV on that later on. The song I used there was Amnesia by 5 Seconds of Summer.
Hope you guys enjoyed it.
xoxo
kate