I know, I know, it's been a couple months. Work has been bananas and I've been doing quite a bit of jet setting (3 trips to North Carolina, 1 to Chicago, 1 to Boston, and 1 to Savanah) all in the last 2 months. That said, I finally have your next chapter ready. Is it surprising that I edited it on a plane? Probably not. Anyways – I'll keep this short and let you get to the story but did want to say that the first scene – I woke up one night at around 3 or 4 and wrote it because it was swimming in my brain, it's meant to be set at approx. the same time Chuck couldn't sleep from the last chapter. Also - another one of my favorite flashbacks is in this chapter.
The song Blair is writing at the beginning is Out of Mind by Tove Lo.
To my reviewers: Atlashanda, iALLIEgator, Terryberry123, pepa96, Klarobass, eckomoon, Leila, Samantha, ChuckBlair8, Gatsbyaffair, Parisian Girl, Mia, Weagle, and all of the Guests love to you all. From those of you who've been with the story for ages, to those who are just reading it for the first time, thanks for the constant motivation.
To my beta: kosoul7 – you're the best!
Disclaimer: I own nothing other than a severe travel addiction
Chapter 24: Out of Mind but Within My Control
"Lovers, into friends. Move on, to strangers." Blair sang softly, her fingers lightly tracing the keys of the piano, her notebook in front of her.
She'd woken up sometime around 3am; for a few minutes she tried to force her eyes to stay closed but it hadn't worked. With Austin in her room – she knew she needed to be quiet – she didn't want to wake him. It had just been so long since she'd felt this itching to have a pen and paper and sit with the piano so she'd given in and come downstairs to write.
She wasn't naïve, she knew she hadn't really felt like writing since she'd gotten engaged to Austin the first time because she knew this part of her was intrinsically tied to Chuck. After what had happened earlier tonight at his engagement party, then her reconciliation with Austin, there were so many emotions swirling within her. Writing was the way she made sense of those emotions; it was the way she worked through them.
"Let go, no more us. Move on, I'm trying." She continued, jotting down the words that seemed to be pulling from within her. It hadn't been this easy in so long. And she was trying…she was trying to let him go. She'd taken back Austin's ring and she meant what she'd said but that didn't make it easier to forget. She couldn't change what she couldn't control and right now she couldn't control the words that seemed to pour from within her.
When it was like this…the songs they wrote themselves. Her fingers moved rapidly, arranging the phrases in front of her more quickly than she could think through them. Thinking her only distraction was the memory of Chuck and this piano on her 20th birthday, all its presence did was drive her forward instead.
"Denying, sayin' time will heal." The words were almost as easy as breathing. "Keep lying, to make me feel. I'm okay, so you believe. I'll forget you, seriously."
Her body felt the old ache returning quickly; the desire to let something deeper inside her take over.
"Really?" The word jerked from her unbidden. She hesitated before writing it down, finally adding it before the next line. Her anger not letting her leave it out because honestly, who was he kidding? If last night proved anything it was that whatever their minds and hearts wanted, their bodies weren't forgetting anything. She smirked as the song turning quickly into something different from how it had started.
"Are you kidding me? You're out of your, you're out of your, you're out of your mind to think that I. You're out of your, you're out of your, You're out of your mind to think that I. To think that I could keep you out of mine."
She sang, the lyrics coming quickly in a cadence as she tested the notes on the piano before jotting them down over the words she'd just written.
Her hands flew furiously, she couldn't stop. It was like she was 95% fine, 95% certain of what she was building with Austin. But this song was the other 5%. She needed to get this out, she couldn't ignore it. She had to release these emotions.
"Happy, used to be. Together, you and me." She lilted as she wrote, the notes coming almost as quickly as the words. "Things die, drift apart. Wait for a new start."
Chuck was wrong. She shouldn't have said yes to Austin. She hadn't stopped loving him yet. He was wrong.
"Denyin', think you'll fade away. Keep lyin', I can hear you say." He was so wrong about them. "You're in touch with, reality. Baby I say, are you kidding me?"
He wasn't the one in touch with reality she was. He was the one who hadn't accepted the fact that they would never be able to drop the weight of their feelings for each other from their brains or their bodies.
"You're out of your, you're out of your, you're out of your mind to think that I. You're out of your, you're out of your, You're out of your mind to think that I. To think that I could keep you out of mine."
Maybe he didn't realize that he was still this far inside her head but how could he not? How could he not know when she knew that she was still deeply wound up in his? She could practically feel him there, worming around inside her brain.
And it wasn't fair, he hadn't been fine, he'd admitted as much; how could he pretend that she'd be any different?
"How can you say I'll be alright? What makes you think that I'll be fine? Baby, you have to be completely out of your. You're out of your mind. To think that I could keep you out of mine."
Unless he thought her feelings were somehow less than his had been…he couldn't think that. Could he? No…that wasn't possible. He knew her, he knew how she felt. Which meant he knew she could never really let go.
"You're out of your, you're out of your, you're out of your mind to think that I. You're out of your, you're out of your, You're out of your mind to think that I. To think that I could keep you out of mine."
God she wasn't the delusional one, he was. She wanted to scream these words at the top of her lungs. It was ridiculous. This might really be the end of their relationship, maybe they would actually move past this but honestly right now if he tried to tell her either of them were there yet one more time ,she might explode.
"You're out of your mind, you're out of your mind. You're out of your mind, to think that I, to think that I, to think that I, to think that I could keep you out of mine."
She exhaled as she finished. The final words leaving her lungs just in time to fill them with air. Part of her felt as though she'd been drowning as she wrote but at the same time, that sensation…it was as though she was finally breathing for the first time in so long.
She'd finally found her outlet again. All of the feelings all of the emotions she'd been bottling up belonged on paper. Maybe it wasn't as therapeutic as she used to think it was, maybe letting all of this emotions bottle inside her until it poured out onto the pages of her journal was harmful to her psyche but god damn it, she didn't care anymore.
This was the freest she'd felt since she returned to New York. She'd finally opened up and let her innermost thoughts out. Now that she had, she felt like she owned herself, owned her emotions again. These emotions might not have been those driving her, they might be representative of the smallest part of her head and her heart. She still believed that she actually had done the right thing by taking back Austin's ring. She was making strides to move on. It still felt amazing to acknowledge the other part of herself that disagreed. To give the part of her that thought he was insane to believe they'd already managed to let go a voice.
A sigh quickly turned to a yawn. That had exhausted her, stripping her of all emotion and energy. The outpouring of feelings had finally made her head stop spinning. Maybe now she'd finally be able to sleep.
Rubbing his eyes Chuck exhaled. He was exhausted. He hadn't slept well in close to two weeks. It was the guilt over what had happened with Blair at his and Gwen's engagement party. It had to be. That was the only possible explanation or at least the only one he'd allow himself to consider.
"Sorry I'm late." Nate spoke, sliding into the booth across from Chuck. "I was looking at apartments with Serena and the L train is all kinds of awful."
Chuck turned his head up to meet Nate's gaze. "Where were you looking? Williamsburg?" As Nate nodded Chuck shook his head. "I don't understand the two of you. Your apartment is great and Brooklyn…well if you decide to move there you'll need to find a way to soften the blow to Blair and cope with the fact that she'll never visit. You know she doesn't believe in the outer boroughs."
Nate almost laughed. "Blair has nothing to worry about. Serena was instantly in love but I couldn't handle that commute to the office."
"You never did explain why you're looking in the first place. You have a great apartment." Chuck spoke, delaying the inevitable conversation he knew was coming. This was the first time he and Nate had been alone since the engagement dinner. He was going to get grilled.
"Serena wants our own place." Nate shrugged as if to say 'women'. "She hates the bachelor pad, especially because it's a studio."
Nodding Chuck gestured at the approaching waitress. "You ready to order?"
Nate tilted his chin. "I'm just getting the usual."
Making eye contact with the waitress, Chuck let her know they were ready. "I'll do the eggs benedict and coffee." He started, trying not to make eye contact with Nate.
Nate only paused half a beat before remembering he still had to order. "I'll take a western omelet with coffee as well." As she turned to walk away, Nate directed his attention to Chuck, debating whether or not he'd simply call attention to the obvious, or the subtext behind it. Deciding on the former Nate frowned. "You never order that."
Chuck exhaled, hearing the tiniest growl in his throat, he was hoping Nate would let that one go. "I'm having a weird day."
Narrowing his gaze at Chuck's reaction, Nate shook his head. "I distinctly remember Austin saying at the party…"
Chuck shook his head, cutting Nate off. "When exactly did you start noticing these kinds of things?" He'd been banking on Nate not remembering.
Nate grinned. "Not actually sure." It was probably all the pseudo scheming they'd been up to recently.
"Don't be so proud of yourself." Chuck spoke with a roll of his eyes, hiding the fact that he felt awkward. "Yeah Austin mentioned it. And yes I've had hers. She made them for me in the Hamptons and they're every bit as good as he claimed. And no, I don't want to psycho analyze the reason that I just ordered them."
Nate rested his chin on his hand, his elbow propped on the side of the booth. "That brings us to an interesting point of discussion."
Narrowing his gaze, Chuck leaned back against his seat. "Can it wait until my coffee gets here, I feel brain dead."
Nate shifted his eyes quickly. Chuck actually wasn't looking so great. He had dark circles under his normally bright eyes, and there was something about his posture…he looked tired. "Now that you mention it – you look it."
"Thanks," Chuck spoke with a glare.
Nate shook his head. "No man, in all seriousness you look beat. I haven't seen you look like this since…" He trailed off for a moment. He didn't need to verbalize what he meant – that he hadn't seen Chuck look like this since Blair left and he couldn't sleep without having nightmares about her. "I'm surprised you didn't order a Bloody Mary. That's usually your go to when you feel like shit."
Chuck tilted his head in agreement. Choosing to ignore Nate's almost mention of his behavior when Blair left. The last thing he wanted was to be comparing his mood to that. "I promised you I'd be sober for this conversation, didn't I?"
Nate scoffed. "Please, one drink from you counts as sober."
"Fair point…if that would have been by my first." Chuck spoke with a small smirk.
"I see." Nate relied as the coffee was placed in front of them. Looking pointedly from the coffee to Chuck, he paused, waiting for Chuck's go ahead.
Chuck took a sip before waving his hand for Nate to ask.
Nate frowned, "Not sure why I have to start this conversation – you know what I'm going to ask."
Chuck exhaled, "It's the principle." Also…I don't want to do this so you're going to have to ask. He thought to himself.
"Fine." Nate spoke placing his hands down on the table. "What the hell were you and Blair doing?"
Chuck shook his head. He promised Nate he'd be honest. "I don't know…" He started, seeing the look of frustration already building on Nate's face, he continued. "I've been agonizing over it the last few weeks and I still couldn't tell you."
Nate looked at him pointedly. They both knew that was a bullshit answer.
Chuck shrugged. "I know that's not a real answer but I'm not sure what else to tell you. Something in me…it snapped when I saw her with Austin." He spoke thoughtfully, a familiar frown finding its way onto his face. "I was so jealous. Which I know is horrible." Swallowing tightly he continued. "Which is worse because I think I was only jealous because she isn't mine anymore. She's the shiny new toy."
Nate's brows furrowed. "That doesn't sound like you…at least not like you now."
Chuck nodded slowly. "I thought that too but what else could it be? You heard my conversation with Blair afterwards. I love her but I choose Gwen."
"Maybe it isn't that simple." Nate spoke slowly. "I saw the two of you going at each other, you were both out of control. Completely. I don't know how the hell you ended up in that situation but I don't think you would have stopped if I hadn't walked in."
Chuck dropped his eyes. "I don't think we could have…It was so strange Nate. I was raging in my office and then she was there and something inside me took over. I couldn't have stopped, I don't think she could have either. It was like drowning and breathing at the same time."
Nate nodded, this was such a fucked up situation. "So all I'm saying is that maybe you don't get to just choose. Maybe it's not that simple."
"You don't think I realize that. Trust me I know." Chuck snapped back.
Nate cocked his head in surprise. This was the first time Chuck had even come close to admitting he wasn't in complete control of the situation. "What do you mean by that?"
Chuck groaned, he knew the moment he said it he'd fucked up.
Nate shook his head, leaning forward onto his elbows. "No, don't try to dodge, just tell me. You clearly need to talk to someone about this."
Nodding slowly, Chuck closed his eyes. He inhaled and exhaled slowly one time before putting strength behind the words. "I've been dreaming about Blair."
"What do you mean?" Nate asked, slightly confused. That wasn't what he'd expected Chuck to say.
"I mean exactly what I said Nathaniel." Chuck spoke, eyes open now. "Ever since the incident, I've barely been sleeping." Chuck swallowed tightly. "I've been having these dreams…dreams that feel real. So real that sometimes I wake up and I don't know where or when I am."
Nate tilted his head forward, brows lifted. "So they're memories aren't they? Not fantasies." He questioned, a bit of his Psych courses in college coming to mind.
"So far." Chuck replied, almost shuddering at the thought. "You know, fantasies would almost be better. At least fantasies…I'd know they weren't real."
Nate exhaled. "It's memories of when you were together."
Chuck nodded. "Yeah." Slipping quickly to the dream he'd had last night, a dream no one could ever know about.
"So she's going to be a little loopy with the drugs we gave her but she should be fine in a few days." The doctor spoke, with a quick nod, almost smiling when he saw the young American man exhale. He was an ex-pat himself and sometimes it was nice to actually be able to converse in English. "Your girlfriend will be fine, she's tough; it's just a virus."
Chuck nodded, a smile coming to his face as he finally got control of his breathing. He'd spent the past 3 hours terrified. He knew Blair hadn't felt well earlier and had been a little nauseous but when she'd passed out as they were walking to a wine tasting he'd almost lost his mind. He'd never been so scared in his entire life. "She's my wife actually. Newlyweds."
The doctor smiled again. "Congratulations. We need to keep her overnight for observation, just to make sure the drugs are doing their job. Someone will stop by in the morning to confirm and if her vitals are good we'll send you home. Be sure to bring her back in if she isn't feeling better in a few days."
"I will." Chuck nodded before heading back into her room. He wanted to argue against the overnight stay but he wanted her healthy and safe. He'd take her back to the house they'd rented in the morning and make sure she had everything she could possibly need. Walking over to her bed he traced the side of her face, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. He exhaled again as he touched her. This had been the scariest thing that had ever happened to him. He couldn't lose her, he could never lose her, it would kill him. "I'm so glad you're okay, I was so fucking scared." He spoke softly.
Blair's eyes pulled open heavily. "Don't be scared…I'm right here."
Exhaling Chuck nodded she was at least coherent enough to understand what he said. "Thank God for that Waldorf. I was out of my mind today. You can't scare me like that."
Blair frowned, wincing slightly as she tried to sit up.
"Don't do that, lay down." Chuck spoke quickly, gently easing his arm around her.
Blair nodded, feeling a strange fullness in her head as she looked at Chuck. What was it that she had been trying to say? Looking at Chuck she remembered and frowned again, the words felt strange in her mouth – like it was full of cotton. "Not Waldorf…Bass. Married…you."
For a moment Chuck frowned in confusion, her words were slightly less intelligible this time; but when he realized what she'd said he couldn't help but smile. She was his wife; something that made him happier than he could ever endeavor to explain. "Yes. You're right. I'm going to have a hard time shaking the nickname though."
"s'okay. I like it." She spoke with a drowsy grin. "Just no forgetting."
"That I'm married to you?" Chuck asked, half surprised, half unsure he'd heard her correctly. That wasn't what he'd expected her to say…he had a harder time reading loopy Blair that was for sure.
Blair nodded again. "Yes…no forgetting."
Reaching out Chuck ran his fingers along her cheek and down her hairline. "I could never."
"Good." Blair spoke, a certain determination in her tone. "And you can't leave me again…no running."
Swallowing, Chuck felt his insides twist. Was it possible that she was still worried about that? That she thought that he could ever leave her. God he didn't exist without her; he knew that now. "Never."
"No one gets to tear us apart." Blair spoke a determination strengthening her voice. "Say it…say that you won't let anything come between us."
Squeezing her hand tightly, Chuck nodded. "I won't let anything or anyone come between us. Nothing could keep me away from you. Nothing."
Inhaling Blair smiled, reaching up with her hand until it found purchase on his chest, her fingers clasping. "Mine. This is mine right."
Chuck nodded, bringing his hand up to cover hers as it rested on his heart. "Always."
"Always mine." Blair spoke happily, though there was an air of desperation to her voice.
"Always yours." Chuck replied, leaning closer and running his other hand again along the side of her face. Sometimes, especially now, he couldn't help but wonder what else went on in that beautiful head of hers. He would do anything in the world to reassure her; say whatever she needed to assuage her worries.
Blair's brow furrowed even as she leaned into his hand. "Promise."
"I promise." Chuck words came quickly. He needed to remember this, he needed to remember that he wasn't the only one scared of ending up alone at the end of this.
"Good." Blair's eyes were heavy but she didn't want to sleep. She wanted to be here with Chuck, she didn't want to miss anything. But the medicine was stronger than she was, and within seconds she felt her eyes close.
Chuck snapped back to reality, he knew that Nate had said something but he'd been lost in his dream/memory/whatever the fuck it was.
"Earth to Chuck." Nate spoke, waving a hand in front of his face. He knew he'd lost him there for a moment. Realizing he had Chuck's attention once more he continued. "Like what? What kind of situations are you dreaming about?"
Chuck exhaled. "This…it feels like longing for something. It's like I can't escape, like my mind is berating me with all the times things worked with us. They all seem to have that in common, that and she's always promising me she'll never leave me, or making me promise I'll never leave her...sometimes both."
"And they started after the incident?" Nate asked, using the same term for it Chuck had earlier.
"Yeah, I think it's the guilt." Chuck responded.
"Maybe." Once more Nate cocked his head, deciding how much he wanted to push. "Or maybe your head and your heart are in disagreement and your subconscious is trying to tell you that."
Chuck rolled his eyes, ignoring the tightness in his throat. "Stop trying to shrink me Nate, you took one psych class."
"Three." Nate corrected.
"Still not a psychiatrist." Chuck bit back.
Nate shrugged. "Point…but still this has to mean something."
Chuck thought for a moment about holding back, but if he did what was the point of this. Nate wasn't wrong, he needed someone to talk to. "Well, the never leaving me bit…I think it has something to do with something she said a while back, not long after she got here. She promised she wasn't going anywhere this time; that she was going to fight for me. She's been different this time, so vulnerable, but I've been reminding myself of how many times she's hurt me, how many times she left. But I think my brain is trying to remind me of all the times that she didn't, of all the times that she fought for me or told me how she felt."
Nate inhaled. That was some heavy shit. He wasn't expecting Chuck to open up like that. "Well…not to quote Blair but what does that mean?"
Chuck shook his head. "All it means is that I'm an asshole who needs to get his shit together before someone innocent in all this gets hurt."
"You mean Gwen." Nate answered softly.
Chuck nodded. "Yeah I mean Gwen."
"So after the Ballet we went to this art gallery down in Soho. I was shocked I hadn't even heard of the artist before but the crowd…you'd think it was the next Warhol and if I'm being truthful I got it, the paintings were incredible." Blair gushed as she walked down the street.
Serena almost rolled her eyes…she knew Blair couldn't see her through the phone but Blair had to know that Serena wasn't buying this BS and a sick sense of déjà vu was swimming through her brain. This conversation was all too familiar, she hadn't bought it then and she didn't buy it now. "Sounds like Austin knows exactly what you like." She replied, knowing there was at least a hint of sarcasm in her tone.
"He does, in a way I didn't realize." Blair replied brightening her smile, she could hear Serena's skepticism. "He surprises me every day in the best way. With a new restaurant or an old favorite that he shouldn't even know about."
Serena actually did roll her eyes this time. "It all sounds amazing."
Blair paused for a moment, Serena totally thought she was blowing smoke up her ass…maybe she was a little but she needed this. "But what?" She asked, having heard it in Serena's tone.
"I didn't say anything." Serena replied.
"I could hear the but S." Blair snapped back.
Serena sighed. "But I'm worried about you." She admitted. "Isn't this all happening a little fast? You were miserable just couple weeks ago and now you're Mary freaking Sunshine of the Upper East Side."
"Quoting Cruel Intentions?" Blair asked, sidestepping the statement. Serena had actually gotten the quote wrong but there was never any point in correcting Serena, it's not like she'd care she'd mixed the quote around. That was a Blair thing. It was Mary Sunshine 24/7 and Marcia Fucking Brady of the Upper East Side.
She did not need this right now. So instead she turned the situation around on Serena, if she was going to call her out, she better have the balls to own it. "We both know that Kathryn was being disingenuous when she said that. Is that what you think of me? That I'm lying about my feelings?"
She paused for a moment, waiting to see if Serena would step up and say something. When she didn't, Blair relaxed. "Trust me Serena I'm happy. Not as happy as I'd be if you'd quit looking at apartments in Brooklyn. But with Austin, I'm happy."
"Come on Blair, it's just Williamsburg. I'm not talking Bushwick." Serena spoke exasperated. She and Nate hadn't really planned to say anything to Blair unless they'd loved it but they'd been spotted by Gossip Girl earlier, so she knew Blair was going to bring it up.
Righteous indignation filled Blair's tone. "It's not Manhattan, that's unacceptable. Even more unacceptable than the fact that you tried to keep it from me."
Serena sighed in defeat, it wasn't like it actually mattered. "Well, Nate hated the commute so I think it's safe to say Williamsburg is out." She still wanted to check out Hoboken – the commute for Nate would be a little better but she was not telling Blair that.
"Thank God." Blair responded. Really what was Serena thinking?
It was that moment that Serena realized Blair had successfully diverted her line of questioning. "You changed the subject on me again." She stated, only partially outraged…mostly just impressed. Blair had always been good at distracting her.
"Did I?" Blair asked innocently. "I didn't even notice."
Serena rolled her eyes. "Cut the crap Blair, that didn't even begin to be convincing. You've been dodging me on this for weeks. I want to know what made you change your mind."
Blair sighed, before speaking rationally. "Austin made a compelling argument that he knows the real me. Besides I love him."
"You loved him before." Serena quipped back. She was not letting her off easy again this time.
"It's like I said before…Chuck was this big 'what if' in my life. Now he's not. It's given me renewed perspective on things with Austin. He deserves a shot." Blair parroted, knowing she'd told Serena the same thing over and over.
Serena shook her head. "I still don't get it Blair. Yeah that was your reason for dating him again, not for taking back the ring. You almost caused a scene at the engagement party when he said the wedding was back on – then the next time I talk to you it is."
Blair shrugged, trying her best to sound nonchalant, keeping her voice light. "S, I just don't know what else to tell you."
"The truth would be nice." She responded with an exhale.
Blair sighed and shook her head, she was going to have to give Serena something, something real that didn't paint her as sad and desperate or Serena wouldn't believe she was actually happy. "He apologized for dinner that night. Admitted it was because he was threatened by Chuck, that he was pushing Chuck and pushing me."
Serena felt her brow furrow. "I didn't even realize he knew about Chuck." Blair had yet to mention that and it hadn't really been something she'd picked up on at dinner. There'd been some talk of it around the book but everyone had been pushing that as fiction she couldn't have been sure Austin knew and she definitely didn't think he knew enough to know to be jealous.
"I told him on the way there. I downplayed it though, made it sound like he wasn't this life altering part of my world." Blair spoke, making sure to keep herself from sounding wistful.
At that Serena frowned. That made no sense. "Now I really don't get it. Why was he so threatened? It's not like you're bad at hiding something when you want to. You're great at keeping your secrets."
Blair actually smiled her first real smile of the conversation. "That's how I knew he really knew me. He knew that Chuck meant more, a lot more, because of the way I'd slipped it into the conversation. He sees me Serena, he sees the real me."
"And that was enough for you accept the ring?" Serena asked, still skeptical.
Blair nodded, pushing the smile firmly back onto her face. She couldn't let it slip, not when she was so close. "That was more than enough."
Serena shook her head. "Sometimes I really don't get you."
Still smiling Blair shrugged. "Austin does, that's what matters."
"And you're really happy?" Serena asked, feeling her skepticism melt away.
No…"YES!" She could not start thinking about what happy really meant or she'd fall apart. This had to be happy for her. It had to be. "Of course I am. Everything's falling into place perfectly. I got the answers I needed Serena. I was holding back because of the big 'what if' hanging over my head. I don't have to hold back anymore and it feels good." She repeated the mantra in her head, just keep smiling, don't falter, keep fucking smiling.
She wanted to be happy for Blair, she did. And even she had to admit that Blair actually did sound happy. She could practically hear her smile through the phone. "Okay…"
No backing down now. Blair thought to herself before launching into the last jab to convince Serena; she knew she had her on the edge, this should seal the deal. "I'm serious Serena, finally letting myself be with Austin. It's completely different. I don't feel like there's this dark ominous cloud surrounding me anymore, threatening to swallow me at any second." Because it's already swallowed me whole, she thought to herself, smiling so hard it hurt. "I'm happy…I really am."
For the first time since the engagement dinner, no, for the first time since Chuck had chosen Gwen, Serena felt herself relax. She was honestly happy. And if Blair was happy so was she. "Okay, I believe you. And I'm glad. I was worried when Austin came back what that might mean."
Blair almost faltered. Serena had ceded defeat and Blair's moment of relief almost threw her. She paused just long enough that she knew it was a little weird. "I'm glad he did, it was the right thing for everyone." She spoke, trying to sound heartfelt, as though emotion was what made her pause.
Serena smiled, feeling her eyes water slightly, now that relief had settled in she could finally be happy for her friends. "I love you B, you know that right?"
Blair smiled brighter. "Of course. You too S. I'm walking into Dan's building now, I've got to go," Blair said before hanging up. She was actually a couple blocks away but she couldn't hold on to the fake smile any longer and if she'd let it slip Serena might have been able to hear it in her voice. Blair was a firm believer in talking on the phone like you would in person, especially with those who knew you well, otherwise they'd hear the difference.
Damn it, her face hurt now. The last time she'd faked something that long was drinks with Gwen after the engagement…but even then she didn't have to be that fake since Gwen knew…no the last time, really the only time she remembered smiling until her jaw ached was the day she and Austin were unpacking the new apartment.
Blair worked her jaw as she turned her back, using the box she was unpacking against the screen door as an excuse. When she realized it was almost empty, she diverted. Rather than turning back around, she went for the balcony doors. She wasn't ready to force the smile back on her face just yet. "I'm letting some air in." She called. It was an expression she'd picked up from Austin, in New York one didn't really 'let the air in' the 'air' in question was basically pollution. It was a thing in the South though.
Tugging on the screen door she groaned, she'd hated that about this apartment ever since Austin first moved it – the screen door always caught. Actually if she was being honest she hated a lot of things about this apartment. It was definitely a downgrade from the one she'd picked out with Izzy; but Austin loved it and since he'd purchased the property and she and Izzy had just been renting it didn't make any sense to swap the other direction.
Exhaling, Blair felt a strange tingle up her spine. She straightened, letting her eyes look out over the balcony. She swept her eyes through the backyard area, their apartment was on the second floor, but she couldn't see anything. What the hell was that? She asked herself confused. She hadn't felt like that since…she was not thinking about that though.
"Everything okay?" Austin asked, noticing that Blair had frozen.
"Yeah of course." Blair spoke spinning around, her fake smile back in place to match her fake words. Whatever that was, was not okay. She tried to relax, forcing her shoulders at ease. It's just a fluke…it has to be, she told herself before speaking. "Your apartment is just a little stuffier than I'm used to, you know that. My place was more modern…better ventilation."
"Our apartment." Austin spoke with a warm smile.
Blair gave a small laugh, this one, almost real…well kind of. "I'm still getting used to that"
Austin nodded. "You'll get used to the apartment in time."
"You knew that's what I really meant huh?" Blair asked, this time with a small smirk. She hated this apartment.
"Of course." Austin laughed – he was not an idiot he knew she preferred her place with Izzy but this one grew on you – there was just something about it that made if feel like home. And he knew, now that she was here with him, they'd make it their own. "It has its charm."
Blair lifted her eyebrows. "Oh does it…Let me tell you one thing for sure, that couch is not charming. It has got to go – the pillows too." She spoke, actually laughing herself…maybe. Well not really but almost.
Austin rolled his eyes, laughing even harder as she turned back around. "Come on it's not that bad." He spoke with fake exasperation.
She turned, once more facing the box against the sliding doors; this time going for the last item, her last reprieve from Austin's gaze. The way he was looking at her today…like she was his everything, his entire world. It had her more off kilter than usual. She wasn't sure how much longer she'd be able to keep this up. She'd agreed to move in with him, but so much of this felt off, like she wasn't where she was supposed to be. The doubt was almost overwhelming her.
Reaching for the last item in the box she forced her mask to stay in place, trying to force it back when she'd let it slip for those few moments only made it harder. Standing up, she felt it again. That uneasy feeling, like apprehension, or adrenaline, working its way up her spine. Her breath caught in her throat for a moment…it almost felt like. She shook her head, that was stupid. But the way that felt…it was like Chuck was there. 'Stop being an idiot Blair'. She spoke to herself, once more trying to shake it off, Chuck wasn't there. If he were going to come after her it would have been months ago, not now on some random day in March.
Tossing back her shoulders, shaking the weird vibes off, she spun around and tossed a pillow at him, causing him to chuckle. "Get over it Austin, my stuff is just nicer," she spoke, slipping into banter that made all of it so much easier. In her weak moments she always knew she could hide behind the banter. Somedays it wasn't this hard, somedays she was genuinely happy. Today was not one of those days. She wasn't sure what was different about today but it was. This was the worst it had been in so long, weeks, maybe months. She would have never agreed to move in if she'd thought there was the slightest chance she might still feel like this; she'd thought it had past.
"Yeah and the first time I spill something on one of your 'nicer' pillows you're going to regret that decision," Austin quipped in return.
Blair raised her eyebrows, placing both of her fists on her hips. Oh yes, the banter was much much easier than faking normalcy, faking being domestic. "You ruin any of my pillows and this relationship may not make it," she teased with a playful tilt to her head.
Austin turned his head to match hers before lifting his own eyebrows dangerously, a smirk positioned on his face. "Those are fighting words darling."
She could see in his eyes exactly what he was about to do. The lilting mischief was enough. She wondered sometimes if he knew how well she knew him, how she could anticipate his next action maybe before he even realized it. She laughed as he rushed towards her, grabbing her around her waist and going for that spot along just above her hip he thought she was ticklish. She arched into him so he hit the spot she actually was ticklish. She needed something to be real…her laughter would do.
Austin smiled as she reflexively jerked towards him, her laughter filling him, warming him from the inside out. He spun her around, unable to control his happiness.
Part of her actually felt nauseous so she flailed knowing he'd think she was avoiding the tickling. "Stop it. Austin!" She spoke through forced laughter. "We have to get unpacked."
He frowned, "But I don't want to."
He was teasing her, pouting, but still he slowed his arms around her. She knew what she should feel, she should feel the safety and contentment she always did, the love she knew was there; but that wasn't happening today. No, today was one of the hard ones.
Austin leaned his head forward, resting his forehead on hers. "You know there are so many things more fun than unpacking."
She swallowed trying not to break eye contact, not to flinch, but in that moment she could hardly stand him touching her. Her skin was almost crawling. It was one of those times that thoughts of Chuck were flowing through her so quickly she couldn't focus on anything else and right now his touch was painful; anyone's would have been. Having someone else's hands on her still felt like a betrayal sometimes, now as much as ever.
She placed a hand on his chest unwittingly, almost fighting gravity to push him away. Chuck would have known, Chuck would have known in a second that she was putting on a show. When her eyes started to burn she lifted on her toes and placed her lips on his so he wouldn't see. She needed to stall him; she couldn't do this right now. Couldn't kiss him, certainly couldn't do more than that. Being in the same room was causing her pain. Out of the corner of the eyes she spotted a box that was supposed to be in the kitchen and she couldn't hide her relief. Quickly transforming it into a sly smile, she gave him her most charming gaze. "Something to look forward to when we finish."
Smirking she stepped back and reached for the stack of plates. "If you don't want to unpack you can start moving the bookshelf and getting it fixed up while I work on the kitchen." She spoke teasingly, but she was barely holding it together as she walked from the room. Deep breaths Blair…just keep your gate steady until you're out of the room, she repeated in her head as she nudged past him.
As soon as she was out of eyesight her steps quickened – she had to stop herself from actually fleeing the room. Whatever she'd been bottling up today was about to start pouring out and she needed to be away from Austin for that to happen.
Reaching the kitchen she dropped the plates in the sink, aware of the clatter they made she didn't even check to be sure nothing was broken; honestly she probably didn't have the mental capacity to do it. Leaning forwards, she grasped the edge so tightly her knuckles turned white, pain slicing through them, she was thankful that pain seemed to anchor her; her whole body was shaking as she fought for control. She could barely breath, she was sucking in air but it didn't seem to be making a difference.
Closing her eyes, she couldn't do it anymore, she couldn't hold it back. Instead she stopped forcing it back and for just that moment she let herself feel. She knew what this was, she knew it was a panic attack. It certainly wasn't the first she'd had. But knowing what was happening never made it any better, it never made it possible for her to get herself under control, it didn't help her breathe.
She couldn't help the gasp that wretched from her lungs at the realization of what had caused this. It was rushing back at her like a horrible nightmare when you first wake up. Proposal. Tuscany. Marriage. Normal. Domestic. Home. But it all boiled down to one little phrase, one intelligible thought. White Picket Fence.
"So now, I picture the white picket fence. I picture the white picket fence with you. We're never going to be boring, but with you I think maybe I could like the normal thing, with you I could picture us being the type of people that have a perfect life." His words from that drive in Tuscany slammed through her like diving into ice water. Those were the words that had made her say that they shouldn't wait to get married, that they should do it immediately. And she knew. She knew why this felt wrong, she knew why she kept thinking about Chuck, she knew why this felt like betrayal. This was all supposed to be with him.
God she missed him. This…this was the white picket fence and she was supposed to have that with him. Without thinking her hand reached for her cell phone on the kitchen counter but as her fingers reached the cold metal she flinched, what was she doing? Jerking her hand back she jumped as her hand hit the vase of flowers Austin had bought her as an unpacking day present, sending the vase careening towards the counter. Even as she grabbed the vase in time to stop it from clattering to the floor, she couldn't prevent its water from sloshing all over her dress.
"Shit," she exclaimed under her breath, setting the vase up right. She shook her head; this was what she got for even thinking about Chuck anymore. She was such an idiot. "He's not coming Blair, you pushed him away, you pushed him so far away he gave up." She spoke softly to herself.
She was seriously starting to lose it, she needed to distract herself. Her eyes caught on the Sirius Radio on the window sill above the sink. Austin was so old school – she only ever listened to music on her phone but he was a radio kind of guy. She was half surprised it didn't have dials. Turning it on she started to relax, she just needed to calm down, get off edge and she'd be fine.
As the opening cords of a song started she felt unease wash through her. Her eyes immediately went to the radio screen, anxiety returning more quickly than it had disappeared. "5 SECONDS OF SUMMER - AMNESIA"
She flinched as she read the words. It was the first time she'd heard it on the radio and that was the last thing she needed right now. Most people would be jumping up and down the first time they heard their songs over the airwaves…she was not most people. No, it was times like these she hated Izzy for convincing her to let her use the songs she'd written, even to secure an artist like 5 Seconds of Summer to the label she was interning for.
"I drove by all the places you used to hang out getting…"
She turned it back off before the first line could even finish, punching buttons so quickly she might have broken something. It wasn't like she didn't know the words…it wasn't like she didn't write them.
That song…she couldn't think about it anymore, it hurt too much, especially today when she was in such a strange mood anyway. She'd written it in a low moment after seeing Chuck with the blonde at the wedding before Austin got to California. There'd been this part of her, a large part if she were being honest, that couldn't believe he'd been the one to really move on, especially when she could hardly imagine even seeing Austin again.
For a moment her fingers itched for her journal…maybe writing would help her clear whatever was going on with her today out of her brain. No, that was enough memory lane, she said to herself, trying to shrug it off.
Shaking herself out of her reverie she looked around for something to put on, she was drenched from neck to knee. There were enough boxes around, one of them had to have a top she could throw on. Spying something dark blue she smirked. Maybe that was exactly what she needed today.
Picking up Austin's Duke basketball jersey, she nodded to herself. She couldn't keep doing this, couldn't keep sliding back. Chuck didn't want her or he'd be here. It didn't matter if she missed him today, or tomorrow, or three weeks from now, he wasn't here, he was with someone new and so was she.
Tugging her top off, she replaced it with the jersey, before shrugging her way out of the rest of her clothes. This wasn't fair to Austin, it was time she got her shit together. She'd been pushing him away lately and even though she'd finally agreed it was time to move in together, she knew he could tell. She'd taken ice queen to a whole new level recently and even when she had shown him affection, it hadn't been the level of intimacy he deserved. She couldn't keep doing that to him.
"Deep breaths Blair, Chuck isn't here, Chuck isn't coming for you." She spoke softly to herself. "You could always go back to him…" Her brain seemed to answer, or maybe it was her heart, her brain wasn't still that delusional. Shuddering, she shook it off. "No what was the point in even thinking about that."
"I'm not scared." She whispered to herself. Shaking out her hair, she took determined steps into the living room and stood, leaning against the doorframe. Standing there, her heart beat loudly, once, twice, it was so loud she could hear it. That feeling…the one that made her feel like Chuck was invading her all over again was back and she felt the confidence she'd pulled together like a skin to shield her, start to slip away. She needed to do something or she was going to fall apart.
She bumped the shelf, just enough to get his attention, anything to force her to keep standing there. When his eyes looked up, immediately landing on her, she allowed herself to relish the look of awe on his face; allowed the power to stick her skin back in place.
"Stand up – it's time for a break." She spoke, fully in command of the situation.
Austin smirked up at her. "I thought you said…"
But she didn't let him finish, if she did she might let her brain go long enough to talk herself out of it. "Schematics." She interrupted.
He stood but was only up long enough for her to push him down on the couch. Control - that's what she needed right now. She'd take control of this situation, whatever it took. Placing one knee on the side then the other, she smirked, she had this.
"What brought this on?" Austin spoke, his eyes gleaming.
Blair smirked, placing a quick finger to his lips. "Don't speak." She followed that finger with her lips. She couldn't let him speak, right now he was almost gone from her brain, she could feel their connection, she felt like she almost had control and if he spoke she might lose it. So instead she leaned forwards, arching her back as she pressed herself into him.
"God you're amazing." Austin responded, a smile twisting his lips.
Blair's eyes narrowed. "I said, no talking." She shifted her hips as she spoke, almost smirking as he bowed to her demand, visibly reacting to her movements. She relished his hands as they moved up her thighs, feeling herself finally gain control of the situation, gain control of herself.
Her head snapped up. She'd completely lost herself in that memory, she struggled to shake it even now as the inky feelings of regret slimed over her skin. Regret at not realizing that she was ruining her own life, guilt at the way she'd used Austin back then, and a feeling almost like déjà vu that she might be doing it again. No…that wasn't the case this time, this time things were different.
Swallowing tightly she realized she was standing outside Dan's apartment door – she'd been so lost in thought that she hadn't even realized she'd walked straight into his building, through the lobby, into the elevator and down their admittedly short hallway. She knocked quickly, hoping her strange feeling would subside quickly, she needed to pull herself back together again to put on another show.
"Come on in, door's open." Dan called.
Walking in, Blair plastered her Serena smile right back on as she searched for Dan. "Sorry I'm late." She called out before seeing him standing in the entry way from the kitchen. Immediately the smile slipped off her face, she should have been able to feel that level of judgement through the door. As it was his eyes were boring into her. She dropped her head back with a groan. "You talked to Nate."
Dan lifted his eyebrows. Sometimes it even surprised him how quick she was. That could have just as easily been judgement for how late she was. "You're not wrong."
"Oh God…I was shocked Nate hadn't let me have it." She spoke surprise coloring her tone, tossing her bag down on the hall tree. "He must have been passing it off to you." She added with more clarity around the situation as she flounced into the living room, becoming less surprised and more irritated by the second. "This isn't fair. You're way more judgey and I can talk my way out of something with Nate but that doesn't work with you." She frowned, flopping down into her favorite chair.
"Stop pouting." Dan spoke quickly, walking further into the living room. "And don't whine." He added, practically hearing the next words from her mouth.
God could this day get any worse? First the conversation from the land of fake smiles with Serena, then that horrible memory, now this. Remembering Serena, Blair sat straight up in her chair. "Oh my god…did he tell Serena too?" She didn't pause long enough to let Dan answer as her brain started working overtime. "She hasn't mentioned it and damn it that was weeks ago now...I don't want Serena to think I'm keeping her out of the loop but Chuck didn't want anyone to know."
Dan took several quick steps forward, placing his hand on Blair's shoulder and sitting down on the coffee table across from her. "Whoa, whoa, whoa…chill out. I'm pretty sure he didn't tell Serena, I talked to her a few minutes ago and she didn't mention anything."
"Oh great, you too." She said, practically glaring. He'd said a few minutes, meaning that he'd been on the phone with her after Blair had, which meant they'd probably been talking about her.
Dan shot her a knowing look; she might have Serena fooled, but she hadn't convinced him yet. And if Serena knew what he and Nate did about the engagement party there was a damn good chance she wouldn't be so convinced either. But that was beside the point for now. "Listen, I think Nate just didn't know how to talk to you about this. Like you said, you can get out of things when it comes to him…and he's tackling Chuck."
Blair couldn't help but roll her eyes. "Please…I'm way harder to psychoanalyze than Chuck and that has to be what the two of you are trying to do…get inside our heads? Figure out what it all meant? Nate's just scared of me."
Dan laughed. "That's fair…but you're also a lot less likely to deny the truth. Besides, Chuck already knows that Nate knows, just like he knows I already picked your side in this, he's not going to open up to me, not like he will to Nate anyway."
Blair huffed, a small frown fixing itself on her face. "Okay fine, I'll just save you the trouble of trying to talk it out of me. I have no idea what we were thinking." She spoke shaking her head. She could see that Dan was about to cut in and tell her not to BS him, but that wasn't her intention so she cut him off. "No don't. I went looking for the bathroom, heard a crash and investigated. When I walked by the room I saw Chuck and stepped in. I asked him if he was okay and it was my 20th Birthday all over again."
She took a breath before pointedly meeting Dan's gaze. "The piano incident, not your little roast."
Dan flushed. He'd read her diaries, seen her scrapbook and knew about the song journals. That said, it was a little uncomfortable just how much he knew about the piano incident. It was also uncomfortable that he'd been so intent on ruining her life and hoped Blair thought he was flushed about the latter.
Blair shrugged. "Next thing I know, he's on me and we're kissing. I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop." She felt her voice slowing as she finished, her emotions pulling through unbidden, "It felt like all the walls were down between us; I was drowning and he was air."
Dan shook his head, speaking softly. "What are you guys doing to yourselves?"
"That's the thing though Dan…" She started realizing that she probably needed help figuring this out at this point. Her track record wasn't the best at dealing with this on her own, as much as she loathed to admit it. "I didn't want to admit this, but if I was drowning and he was air, I couldn't get enough. It wasn't like suddenly everything was clear and in focus. It was like…I was choking." She spoke finding the word she was looking for. "I was choking and all I wanted to do was inhale but it wasn't enough. I couldn't get enough air anymore." She implored, trying to make him understand, trying to help him see what she was saying.
He cocked his head confused. "What are you trying to say?"
Blair shrugged again, shaking her head in frustration. "I don't know Dan. Does it even matter?"
"Of course it matters." He cut in quickly. "That sounded remarkably like you're saying that this is over for you…that you're giving up."
"Shouldn't I?" Blair responded quickly. Not bothering to hide her emotions from him.
Dan frowned. "No."
Blair rolled her eyes. "Dan stop it." It was done, it was time to call it what it was.
His brow furrowed as his frown deepened. "No, I want you to tell me what that meant."
Inhaling Blair shook her head. "I don't know what it means Dan, that's what I was saying from the beginning. All I know is that I wanted to breathe him in, that's all I wanted. But it was overwhelming and overpowering." She spoke slowly, trying to find the exact words she was trying to say. "I went with it. I didn't want to stop it; but Chuck's right. The fire isn't enough, the heart has to be there too and right now all that's there is this suffocating pain."
"What about Austin?" Dan asked quickly before slowing down, trying his best to talk in this strange metaphorical space Blair seemed to be occupying. "Can you breathe with him?"
Blair exhaled, looking him in the eyes for a beat before turning her head. She couldn't look at him and answer that without breaking.
"Yeah, thought so." Dan spoke, admittedly smug.
Blair swallowed tightly, trying to force the stinging in her eyes back. When she faced him again there were tears shining in spite of her attempts. "For the record this isn't helpful."
Dan shook his head. "It is if it keeps you from making the biggest mistake of your life."
"This isn't a mistake." Blair spoke quickly. "I do love him Dan. And sometimes…sometimes I almost think I can inhale."
"But you're not happy. Not really." Dan responded in kind.
"I could be." Blair snapped back.
Dan frowned again. "Blair…"
"No." She cut him off decisively. "I could be if everyone would just let me be."
Dan scoffed before exhaling. "At least you're not trying to pretend with me like you have been with Serena. I'm not interested in hearing any of that I took the ring back because he showed me how much he knows me crap. You took the ring back because you've given up."
Blair sighed. She knew that was going to come up eventually, he'd pulled the punch earlier when Serena had come up. But she wasn't going to let him derail her…not today. "This is my life. Mine." She spoke emphatically. "I have to deal with it. I have to deal with the choices I make. I have to live with them. Not you. Not Serena. Me."
Dan took a breath before responding, he needed to calm himself. "You haven't even told him why you really left the first time have you?"
Blair shook her head. "I made that choice, he knows that I wasn't ready and…"
"Or why you left the second time." Dan cut her off. Knowing she was full of shit, she'd gotten quite the push. "You've let him keep thinking that this was all something you did for revenge. All of it."
Blair frowned and Dan nodded encouragingly. "How can you give up when you haven't even really given Chuck the chance to understand, the chance to forgive you. You let him keep hating you because you think you deserve to be hated…you don't."
Blair shook her head. "You don't know what I deserve."
"You have to stop punishing yourself for not knowing that you were always going to want what you wanted when you were 17." Dan interjected. Seeing the look on her face he backed down. "I'm not trying to make this harder."
"I get that Dan; I get that you're just want me to be happy but I'm telling you it's over." Blair spoke quickly, crossing her legs in a way that tried to send him a cue with her body language that this conversation was done.
Dan pressed his hands on his thighs, letting his frustration show. "Damn it Blair, don't give up yet."
"I don't have a choice." She spoke, her resignation clear. "I've already lost him, I lost him a long time ago."
"Shit…" Dan spat quickly.
Blair nodded. "You're supposed to be at the publishing house. I've got Rosaleigh."
Dan shook his head. That hadn't been what he'd meant, but now that she'd mentioned it he was beyond late. "I know…it's just that." He exhaled, standing up. Taking a step away he almost left it there…maybe he should have. But instead he turned back and met her gaze one more time. "I just don't want you to settle for breathing in water when what you want…what you need is air."
Blair held his gaze for a moment before he walked from the apartment. For a second she kept sitting there staring at the door. She thought Dan hadn't been following her thoughts but like always he'd gotten there eventually. And she understood what he meant; but that didn't change things. She and Chuck were over, there was no point in keeping this going any longer. It didn't need to be an ongoing discussion all that served to do was keep them in the past.
Dan stalked from the building, feeling his built up emotions cresting and flowing through him like waves. He had to do something about this, he had to do it now. Calling Steph he waited for the phone to ring, not surprised when she picked up almost immediately.
"You're canceling on me aren't you." She spoke into the receiver.
Dan exhaled, his steps quickening. "I'm sorry, I'm not going to make the meeting."
Steph almost laughed, she'd thought this might be the case. He was already 15 minutes late and she hadn't heard from him. "Did Blair not show?" She asked, knowing that was next to impossible, that wouldn't make him cancel.
"No, she did." He spoke cautiously.
"Oh…is she a mess?" Understanding dawned on her. She knew the saga that was Chuck and Blair was ebbing and flowing as always.
Dan scoffed. Blair was a mess, even if she didn't want to admit it. "A bit…but that's not the problem." He paused for a moment, knowing that Steph was waiting on an answer. "I need to go see Serena. She and I need to talk about Blair."
"I see." Steph responded, contemplating exactly where he was going with this.
"Are you mad?" Dan asked a little concerned, she normally wasn't one to have so few words.
Steph almost laughed. "Mad? No it's fine. We can push our cover meeting until tomorrow. I'd almost say we can just handle it in bed later but I want Janine to take more of a lead on this one when it's with a safe author."
Dan smiled. That was his girl, loquacious as always. "Oh so I'm safe huh?"
"Well I hardly have to wonder if you're going to take your book elsewhere if my new protégé fucks up a dry run at a cover proposal." Steph spoke with a smirk.
"That's fair." Dan spoke, unable to wipe the smile off his face, he was so lucky to have her. "So if you're not mad what was that tone in your voice?"
Steph answered quickly. "I'm intrigued."
Dan smirked knowingly, he knew her well enough to know exactly what she meant. She was obsessed with their drama, even if she'd never go so far as to admit it. She'd joked about it before – that being his editor made her some kind of scholar studying their lives. But it really was true, she couldn't help herself when it came to their messy lives. "In that case, I'll keep you posted."
Hanging up, Dan checked his phone again to make sure there hadn't been another update that he'd missed. Sometimes Gossip Girl was useful.
Spotted: N meeting up with C and S heading home after they were seen leaving Brooklyn no new lease in sight. They had me sweating for a minute but deep down I always knew you couldn't leave us.
Good, Nate's apartment was close. Hopping in a cab he closed his eyes for just a moment to concentrate. Was this really what he wanted to do? If they started down this road there wouldn't be able to go back. They would be permanently leaving Switzerland behind. There was a difference between being involved and taking a side; and this wouldn't be just taking a side, this would be championing the side fully.
The taxi pulled up and he made his decision, really it was the only one he could make at this point. Throwing a twenty through the partition he climbed out and walked straight in. Nate's doorman knew him so he didn't even stop. He could hardly keep still as he waited on the elevator. This was torture. It wasn't like he thought he'd change his mind…no he was determined. Now that he'd made the decision, waiting a moment longer before getting started was making him crazy.
Exhaling he bolted from the elevator, to the door of Nate's penthouse, knocking rapidly. He pressed his hand against the doorframe, trying to channel his energy into anything as he waited. He looked up quickly as he heard the door opening.
"Dan?" Serena exclaimed in surprise. "Aren't you supposed to be at work? That's why Blair's with Rosaleigh, right?"
Dan swallowed. "We need to talk."
"About Blair?" Serena asked confused, even as she took a step back to open the door.
Shrugging Dan walked in. "Yeah…that too."
Serena's brow furrowed as she closed the door. Dan was acting strange, jumpy. "Do you need a drink? You're stressing me out just looking at you."
Dan nodded. "You're probably going to need one too."
Serena froze, halfway to the kitchen. Turning slowly she tilted her head to the side. "What's this about Dan?"
Exhaling Dan ran a hand over his head, grasping it tightly for a moment to get his thoughts under control. This energy had been rushing through him since his conversation with Blair. Well really it had been building for weeks, maybe longer, maybe even years. But now…now he couldn't control it, it was flowing out of him and he needed to channel it. The only way he knew to do that was to go to the source of the problem and fix it. "We have to fix this….what we did, we have to fix it." He paused before meeting her gaze head on. "Serena, it's our fault they're miserable, we need to do what we should have done a long time ago and fix what we broke."
Ooooooh what did Serena and Dan do….? Also did you catch that POV swap, I think it's the first official two sided story, right? There are a few more of those to come – one I believe we'll even see from 3 sides. Anyways – hope you enjoyed. Hopefully I'll have the next chapter up by Christmas!
Reviews are love.
xoxo
kate