It's been a crazy several months. Work was nuts, left my job, been traveling the world and on top of that I have had the world's worst case of writer's block – not for this chapter but for a few future chapters – that said as you can probably tell this I have to structure this story pretty carefully due to the multiple viewpoints and twists so future chapters effect earlier ones. That said, I'm FINALLY ready to publish this update. It's admittedly low on Chuck content…sorry about that. I assure you the next chapter is not. And from there everything really starts to spiral. Okay enough teasers
No songs this chapter – SHOCKING.
To my reviewers: Ancient Xana of the Old Forest, Yop, Nyctptb, XoXo, Trosev, Klarobass, ChuckBlair8, Matyy, Weagle, itsoliva262, Niicelady, Mia, Terryberry123, Rachem and all of the guests who've reviewed you keep me motivated even during my writers block and I 3 you. Apologies if I haven't been responding to them as much as I used to. Still love you all the same. Also to those of you who told me you reread the whole fanfic…SAME.
To my beta: kosoul7 – I don't know how you put up with me but you're amazing! Xoxo
Disclaimer: I own nothing but I do have a great tan and an aspirational number of stickers on the back of my passport ;-)
Chapter 25: Not I, We
"What?" Serena asked, standing still halfway to the kitchen in Nate's apartment. She could feel her heartbeat, it was so loud. Was it always this loud?
Dan exhaled and shook his head. "What we did…what we did to them, we have to fix it."
Serena swallowed. Dan wasn't talking about…he couldn't be. But that look on his face. No she refused to believe they were going back there. That was in the past; he had to be talking about something else. "What because we called Austin? Well I did anyway? Because we've been interfering?" She asked, knowing she was babbling, unable to stop. That was what he was talking about, it had to be.
"No." Dan spoke, his voice low. "That's not what I'm talking about."
"Dan…." Serena started shaking her head. She wanted to tell him to drop it; wanted to tell him not to say something they'd both regret; because once they opened that can of worms they couldn't put it back.
"It's not Chuck and Gwen we need to fix." He spoke before she could tell him not to. "We need to fix what we did."
Serena crossed her arms taking a step back, away from Dan. "Stop it. Just stop. We said we weren't getting involved again. We already did too much calling Austin. We agreed not to do anything more. Not after…not after-"
"What happened last time." Dan finished cutting her off. "You're right that's exactly what we said; but damn it we did this."
Serena pressed her lips together, he kept saying 'we' even though what she knew he meant was 'you'. She knew that he was talking about what she'd done; but if he wanted to say we, she would too. "We're supposed to be Switzerland Dan. We said that we were going to be Switzerland. We agreed." She could feel the desperation in her own voice. She took a step back and shook her head. "This time, we're Switzerland. We have to be Switzerland."
Exhaling Dan walked forward. "I can't be Switzerland, not anymore. Not with how god damn miserable she is." Walking past Serena he continued into the kitchen, knowing she'd follow. He immediately reached for the hard liquor mixing them both a drink, almost single mindedly. He'd been building towards this for weeks, he knew that of course. Maybe it had even been building for years. He did write that book…and he sent it to her. Part of him had already been trying to fix this mess, this mess that he'd contributed to. And now he had to focus, he needed Serena onboard.
"She's not miserable. Blair's happy." Serena spoke after watching Dan for a long moment. His brow was furrowed so tightly, he was so focused on this. But that didn't matter…they had agreed. 'Switzerland.'
"Quit saying Switzerland." Dan spoke quickly.
Serena flinched. "I said that out loud?"
Glaring Dan took a sip of his drink, trying not to scoff. "Yeah you said it out loud. And you don't believe Blair's happy any more than I do. You've just got a little more reason to hope that's true than me."
Serena looked down at the drink Dan was sliding her across the counter, before looking back up at him. "I trust Blair…I trust her to tell me when she's happy."
Raising his eyebrows Dan took another sip of his drink. "You didn't trust her then."
"That was a low blow Dan." Serena spoke with a wince. That wasn't like him, actually, it was exactly like him, but it was still harsh. Reaching out she clasped the drink he'd passed her. Hand shaking she lifted it to her lips.
A small sigh escaped because he knew that she was caving. He didn't want to hurt Serena, that wasn't what he was trying to do; but he couldn't let her keep pretending what she'd done - what they'd both done - hadn't been what brought them here. "I'm giving it to you straight Serena. What we did…this is our mess."
She swallowed tightly, her throat burned and she squeezed her eyes together. Maybe this would all go away; maybe she could make it all go away. But she'd tried that method before and that's how they'd ended up here in the first place. She couldn't ignore what she'd done.
"I did this." She spoke after a long moment, her voice shaking; dropping the pretense of the 'we'. He could claim culpability all he wanted, could act like he was part of this, but Blair hadn't cared that much about his opinion then, he couldn't have said anything that would make her run.
Dan exhaled realizing he'd finally gotten past the layers of denial. They were on the same page now. She was with him on this. "I knew…I knew and I supported it. That makes me complicit. And the first time…the first time was just as much me as it was you."
Serena shook her head. "No it wasn't…she didn't care that much about what you thought." Serena spoke with an apologetic shrug. "Besides, she knew you were in love with her."
"Doesn't excuse what I said that day, to her or to you. And it definitely doesn't excuse what I did…what Jenny told me to do." Dan spoke softly. "And the second time, that time I told you that it was the right call. I thought it was for the best for everyone." Dan added, his voice growing stronger. "We can't just stand by and do nothing. We have to help them."
Looking away, Serena took a deep breath. "Last time…"
"Yeah, last time you thought you were helping them you screwed up." Dan spoke quickly.
Serena looked down into her drink before tightly closing her eyes. She didn't want to think about this.
Dan looked at Serena for a long moment before letting out a loud exhale. Part of him wondered if maybe they'd all been better off if he hadn't found out the effect of what he'd said. If he hadn't known, who knew how the book would have turned out? And maybe if he hadn't sent her the book, she'd still be with Austin and everyone wouldn't be so tortured. Maybe he should never have pried so deeply.
Serena tossed back the rest of her drink and glared at Dan. "I'm drunk and I'm pretty sure it's your fault."
Biting his tongue Dan tried not to grimace. Maybe he'd overdone it just a little this time, she was completely sloshed. Honestly it probably made him a bad friend that he'd taken to doing this at all; using Drunk Serena to find out more about Blair. Tonight even he could admit he'd probably gone too far but he needed something else for the novel. His new editor was driving him crazy. She knew all the buttons to push to get him fired up but he needed more material and he'd learned a long time ago that giving Serena a couple of drinks was the easiest way to get her talking…he just hadn't realized she'd start taking shots. Either way it was probably time to get her home.
"Did I already tell you she called me last week?" Serena spoke, looking back towards the bar as she flagged down the bartender for another drink.
Dan looked up quickly, had she just brought Blair up on her own? Any thought of getting her home fleeing his mind, he still managed to shoot the bartender a look, hoping he'd stop serving. Clearing his throat he tried to make eye contact with Serena. "Who? Blair? Is that weird?"
Serena shrugged and furrowed her brow. "Yeah…she doesn't really do that anymore. And it…was WEIRD."
Serena was rambling and Dan wasn't about to interrupt her. At this point he was just worried she'd stop so he gently prodded her on. "What did she say?"
"Apologized." Serena spoke clearly dumbfounded. "For being distant since she left. Said she's happy now and went on and onnnn and told me about this guy she's met like she thinks she really cares about him. Don't believe her though."
"You don't?" Dan questioned, surprised. Where the hell was this conversation going? And why was she suddenly talking about this now that she was hammered? It's not like a call from Blair was that big of a deal. There had to be more to it if it took this many drinks before she brought it up.
Serena shook her head, hair flipping in her face. "Nope. She didn't sound for real happy. She sounded fake happy, like she thought she could make herself happy if she could make me think she was."
Dan tried to scoot Serena's drink away from her because she clearly didn't need any more but she slapped his hand and grabbed it.
"Mine." She laughed before sighing.
He couldn't help but think she looked puzzled now, her brows drawn together, almost as if she didn't want to tell him where this conversation with Blair went.
"Is my fault you know. Is all my fault." Serena spoke, her words slurring together.
Dan's eyebrows shot up his forehead…that was not what he'd expected her to say. He didn't even know what she was actually saying – that it was her fault Blair was pretending to be happy? "I'm sure that's not true. I'm sure…"
Serena quickly cut him off. "No you don't get it. And now she thinks I was right. Or she says she thinks she was." Serena exhaled putting a hand on her face. "She said she shouldn't've been so angry at me for so long 'cause I was right about everything. Every. Thing." Serena continued.
Swallowing tightly, Dan reached out to place a hand on Serena's shoulder; but she shrugged him off. He was having a hard time following her; it didn't make sense. The only thing he could think Serena might be blaming on herself was Blair leaving but it didn't compute. He'd heard the story of Blair leaving a hundred times. Hell he had a supporting role; something he'd already written into Wishing Wells. As far as he knew the only people who saw Blair after she and Chuck got back from Italy before she disappeared were her mom, Lily and Nate's mom at some meeting thing, and him. Serena had always said she never saw her, always. "When was this Serena? What did Blair mean?"
Serena didn't even seem to hear his questions as she kept speaking without acknowledging him. "I told her maybe I was wrong, that I'd just been stupid and petty and jealous. So jealous. That we misssssed her Chuck most of all. Tried to say here was her home. She said I was wrong now. Right back then. Wrong now. I tried to change her mind." Serena shook her head, sending her hair into her eyes.
Dan gestured with his hand, trying to coax the words out of Serena who now seemed intrinsically fascinated by her own hair and the fact that it moved when she did. "Andddd…."
Glancing back at Dan Serena frowned. "And she hung up on me."
Dan narrowed his gaze. "That summer…after Chuck and Blair got back from Italy. You did see her? And you said something to her that day? And you think that's why she left?" Dan asked, eyeing the large drink in her hand once more. If Serena got any sloppier he wouldn't know what she was saying. Not to mention he was starting to feel like a huge asshole for letting her get this drunk.
Serena frowned. "Quit saying phrases as questions. I already told you dat's what happened." Serena finished before sighing. "Was having a bad day. She showed up all happy again. But I thought she was going backwards and she was happy and I was jealous. She had the spotlight, she accused me of hating that she had it and for the first time that spring I didn't. I didn't even see how right she was. She had the spotlight, had everything I wanted. So I told her that taking him back was weak. She'd been happy with Louis and went runnnning back to him again. And I was jealous."
"You said that already." Dan spoke…his voice beginning to drop. If Serena was telling him the truth, if she was saying what he thought she was saying, this was at least partially his fault.
"Because I was. I was jealous…I knew you liked her. Better than me. And you looked at her the way you looked at me before we dated. So I told her to do it." Serena said, somewhat matter-of-factly.
"Do what? To run." Dan asked, trying to make eye contact to tell how serious Serena was.
Serena tilted her head, she didn't like it when Dan did that. His eyes got too serious and prying. It made her feel open, like he could see everything. So she looked away. "Basically. I mean that's what she did. And I. I said all the things. I made her think she'd failed, that she was making the biggest mistake, I called her his little puppy. Said they'd only destroy each other again and they'd take us all down with them. Told her she'd never be powerful if she were with him; she'd always be the woman on the arm of the powerful man."
As Serena went on, Dan felt his heart begin to sink. He'd said some of the same things to Blair and he remembered relaying them somewhat angrily to Serena. But it could have just been a coincidence. He didn't actually know when they had talked besides, Serena was drunk and he couldn't say those were his exact words he'd said. He couldn't think like that. Blair had been happy the last time he talked to her and she'd said herself to Serena that she'd been right to say those things. "Maybe it was for the best though. You said yourself she's met a guy, she's happy now. Besides if she hadn't had doubts, you wouldn't have been able to say anything to make her leave."
Serena's brow furrowed. "Chuck said he thinks he's over her now. He even said her name when he told me. Or he told me that I could say her name. Something like that."
Dan nodded, needing this, needing to feel something other than guilt right now. "That's good right, they're both happy."
"You're right, you're right…you have to be right." Serena muttered decidedly before meeting his gaze. "Blair's got no reason to lie about being happy, neither does Chuck. Otherwise what have I done…" Serena trailed off.
Dan leaned back in his chair, immediately starting to see his real next story take shape. He'd gotten what he'd asked for, the missing piece in the story. Blair had had doubts about how people saw her when she was with Chuck and it didn't fit into the person she'd fashioned for herself. Reality didn't match what she believed she wanted, who she believed she was, it created dissonance; so she'd cut and run. And Serena had been the one to vocalize it.
"What have we done…" Serena added shaking her head.
Serena's words snapped Dan out of the place he went when he itched to get to writing. "We?" He asked, sitting straight in his chair.
"Well yeah." Serena spoke, looking pointedly at Dan. "I already told you I went off on her because I was jealous."
Dan looked at her, trying to follow where her head was going but his own brain was racing too much so he just stared. "Jealous…?"
Serena leaned forward and knocked his head lightly with her hand. "I was jealous of her because of you. You're why I went off on her. I was so mad when you told me that you guys fought. So maddd that you were still pinning over her. You were supposed to be in love with me, I was in love with you. But you wanted her. Maybe even loved her…Eric thought so. And when I saw her I lashed out."
"Serena…you're not saying." Dan started, swallowing tightly. "You aren't implying that…"
Serena nodded drunkenly. "No."
Dan's breath relaxed almost immediately at her single word. For a moment he'd thought-
"Not implying anything. Just telling you that you're why I got mad - not mad at you, mad at her; and so jealous. Even used the same things you'd said to her. You always were better with the right words than me…" Serena rambled on.
Dan shook his head, pulling himself out of it, almost with a wince. Reality seemed to fade back in, banishing that particular memory, one he was ashamed of. No it had been the right thing…to try to fix it. Maybe he'd started down this pathway because he felt guilty. Hell it wasn't until after that conversation with Serena that he had any real idea of how his book about Blair was going to take shape; he'd just known that he had to prove something to Steph. Of course, now he knew why she'd really been able to push his buttons – she was the love of his life after all – he was just only starting to realize it then. But thinking back, he couldn't remember ever really questioning Blair leaving, not really; not until after he knew that he'd played a role.
"She said it didn't impact her decision." Serena cut into his thoughts as though she could hear him. "She told me…just a few weeks ago. Without prompting."
Dan could hear the desperation in her voice, the need for it to be true. It had taken him so long to get the full story from Serena…the coherent story; this was painful for her. "Think about it, think about who Blair is now. She wouldn't tell you, she wouldn't want to hurt you over something that couldn't be changed."
Serena looked down and Dan exhaled. As long as it had taken him to get Serena to open up all the way about what she'd said, it had taken him longer to layer on the little details from Blair's journals and the smallest things that Blair had volunteered that fit in. The truth had taken time to piece together, but he knew it was the truth the same way he knew everything else in the book was true…Blair had either confirmed that everything in the book was true by not saying otherwise or denied it outright; like she had with the engagement. "It's in my book you know." Dan spoke pointedly. "It's the reason in my book."
"Has Blair…" Serena started hopefully, dragging her eyes to meet his.
Dan nodded. "Yes, Blair's read the book. There are other things that have changed since then…some at her own suggestion. But that wasn't one of them."
Serena closed her eyes tightly, looking back down as the guilt washed through her – guilt she'd been holding at bay for years. "So what now? Do we bring Nate and Steph into this?"
This time as Dan exhaled, it was with a note of relief; he could feel that she'd stepped across the line she'd been toeing. She wasn't in Switzerland anymore. "Eventually. But Nate is more complicated, unless you've told him." He looked to Serena who shook her head. "Or if you've told him about the rest of it."
Serena swallowed tightly. "I haven't told him about that either; not the fight, not the phone calls after, not Blair's lost cell phone, none of it."
"Blair's cell phone?" Dan asked, feeling a rush as another piece clicked into place.
"Yeah…" Serena spoke dragging it out. "She hasn't told you?" She asked skeptically.
Dan's eyes widened. "You're talking about the summer after the Hamptons aren't you? She said she thought she'd told you about the phone but…why didn't you ever say anything?" He asked in awe.
Serena sighed. This is why she tried not to be involved. Every time she was it made everything worse. "I honestly didn't think about it. I forgot and then when I remembered, when I realized what the implications of that were. I was embarrassed for not saying anything earlier and convinced that it was better that way. Chuck had met Gwen and Blair was out in California. And like with the calls later…I think my guilt needed it to be true. I needed them to be better off, to be happy; or what I'd done to push them apart would have destroyed me."
Nodding Dan swallowed. "You should know it's in my book too. The phone calls that fall I mean."
Serena waved him off. "Of all the things I've done, that isn't the worst. I'll get to that with Nate…I mean we all have our things."
"I guess we do." Dan agreed. He still hadn't told Steph his role in all this and he'd need to. Standing there forcing Serena to come to terms with hers' knowing that he was going to be revealing that role to other people, made him realize it was time to come clean himself. He was going to have to put in his piece of the puzzle a piece he'd already included in Wishing Wells but from the other side of the coin.
"So no more Switzerland." Serena spoke.
"No More Switzerland." Dan agreed.
Sighing, Serena shrugged her shoulders. "So what does that mean exactly?"
"I'm not sure yet." Dan replied, running a hand over his head. It was strange he felt relief that they finally had their cards on the table but now there was a rushing anxiety shooting through him about where to go next.
Blair exhaled as she exited the elevator, tossing her purse down on the table in the foyer. One thing was for sure, babies were exhausting. On top of that her two closest friends had been all over her, all day. Dan and Serena wouldn't let it lie. She was finally throwing in the towel, something they'd all been encouraging her to do since she got here. Now when she was finally moving on, trying to be happy with Austin, they wouldn't just let it go. They had her stressors running seriously high and she didn't even want to think about Nate or Chuck…especially not Chuck.
Just thinking his name sent an unwelcome shiver up her spine. She had to shake this off. Wasn't everything supposed to be easier now that she'd stopped fighting? It's what everyone had been telling her from the beginning. Yet this was anything but easy. Right now all she felt was drained.
Everything felt so much harder and her friends weren't helping matters. Serena couldn't believe she was happy with Austin – she could only imagine what Serena would say if she did find out about the incident with Chuck at his engagement party. At the same time, Dan was pushing her on everything; trying to make her fight again by force of will alone. And Nate was the one who caught her with Chuck a few weeks ago at the engagement party; it was only a matter of time before she had to deal with him too. That didn't even touch on the fact that she was helping Gwen plan the damn Junior League Gala.
Everything in her life felt like a god damn show lately. The closest she came to being herself was with Dan but even that was getting hard because she was constantly on the defensive. It was quickly becoming easier to just put on the show for him too. Performing all the time was wearing her down to the point of absolute exhaustion.
And then there was Chuck…they hadn't spoken since the incident other than pleasantries around friends so that it didn't set off any alarms.
In truth what she'd told Serena wasn't completely a lie. There were times she was happy with Austin, most of the time with Austin was great because it was the only time she could just be without having to defend herself, but today wasn't one of them. No today, Chuck seemed to have invaded her brain – not that he was ever far from it – but today was different.
She blamed Dan – and somewhat Serena – for just not leaving it alone. He kept asking her to compare them, asking if Austin gave her what she needed and now she was doing it again…she was thinking about all the ways Austin wasn't Chuck. She was so frustrated. This wasn't fair to either of them. And Austin was so good to her, good for her. With Austin it wasn't always a show. Most of the time with Austin she really was happy, she was learning how to be herself with him, not some person she'd tried to turn herself into. Trying to shake it off she pulled the bottle of wine from her bag and walked into the living room, forced smile brightening her face.
"I've got the wine, we can officially begin cooking." Blair laughed, holding the bottle by the neck as she wandered into the kitchen. Austin had already begun the prep work. As she walked in he looked up at her with that same charismatic smile that had hooked her - well maybe not hooked her - but it had certainly intrigued her during that visit to Stanford.
"This tour is pointless. We both know we're applying here. Sure the mock lectures this morning were good and I'm looking forward to the Small Groups with current law students tomorrow but this is absolutely pointless." Austin spoke, coming to stand beside to Blair, hands in his front pockets.
Blair cut her eyes over briefly before directing her gaze back to the tour guide. He wasn't wrong…this was mindlessly boring. But she wasn't about to acknowledge him, not when she'd done such a good job avoiding him since hell week.
"So I was thinking we should skip." Austin registered her lack of response but he wasn't giving up just yet. No, he was just getting started. "I have some friends from my high school lacrosse team here, we can just ditch, meet them for drinks…"
At that Blair's eyes cut back over. "Why exactly are you talking to me?"
Austin scoffed, earning a glare from the tour guide. "Come on, who else am I going to talk to?" He asked, tilting his head towards the other Duke students in their visitation group.
"Not my problem. I don't know you." Blair added matter-of-factly as their tour group started moving again. She was not going to give him the time of day, that she'd already decided.
Austin gave a slow smile as he continued looking at her. Eventually she'd break. "Sure you do, we're only in all the same classes." He could see her glance at him in her periphery and knew he was getting to her. "Plus our hell week conversation was probably the deepest conversation you've had in the last 6 months." He added. He knew from her demeanor every time he'd seen her since that his first impression of her hadn't been wrong, she was aloof at best the majority of the time. Like hell she made a practice of revealing so much of herself to people.
Blair's reaction was almost involuntary as her head inclined towards him. He'd caught her off guard. She wasn't used to being called out like that, not anymore.
"Besides…Vamp Girl, the Nerd-Herd, and Hunter McHuntington the 7th over there aren't exactly my type." He added, smile growing before she had a chance to withdraw her attention.
She had to hold in a snort of laughter, 'he's competition' she reminded herself, she wasn't going to get attached. Even then she couldn't stop herself from commenting. "That's not actually his name…is it?" Hunter didn't actually sound wrong but there's no way the rest was right. Though she had to admit, she grew up around enough obnoxiously wealthy people to know it wasn't outside the realm of possibility.
Austin shrugged. "Don't know, don't really care. Though he's been looking at you like he'd love to know yours." He added with a smirk in her direction.
Blair couldn't help but roll her eyes as she glanced over at the rest of the group. Austin wasn't wrong in his characterization. They were accompanied by a girl in all black gothic garb carting around an Anne Rice book and a worn copy of Twilight, a group of pocket protector style geeks, each with their own hand-held gaming system and 'Maybe-Hunter' a prep-school goodie two-shoes if she'd ever seen one, who sure enough was sneaking glances her way every other second. "Not going to happen."
"So yeah, I'm talking to you." Austin said laughing and brushing her shoulder with his.
She shot him a glare as they walked into the main hall for another dull activity, likely followed by a lame mixer probably featuring ice cream or something else equally mundane. He was seemingly impervious to her rudeness and it was infuriating. "Why don't you make new friends?" She spoke gesturing to the other visiting groups. "Be brave, mingle outside the Duke-sphere."
He shrugged, the slow smile appearing once more. "I'd rather talk to you."
Pressing her lips together, Blair had to twitch her nose to hide the smile trying to slip onto her face. What was with her today? Really every time she was around him…she needed to shove this down. He couldn't be a friend because he was competition and he sure as hell couldn't be more than that. But why was he so easy to talk to? She wasn't one to open up and yet he drew conversation out of her with ease. She had to get rid of him. "Well that girl over there with the Vanderbilt group has been staring at you like you're cake and she's going to eat you." Blair spoke with a quick head tilt. "Literally all day long."
Austin followed Blair's gaze and furrowed his brow. That girl looked…familiar, but he didn't want to waste time figuring out why when Blair was clearly trying to distract him. It was then that he realized what she'd said and smirked. "So you noticed her looking over…all day?"
Damn it. Blair cursed to herself, knowing her face probably rushed quickly from shocked, to angry, to embarrassed, before she landed anywhere close to indifferent this time.
"And now you're blushing…" Austin added, leaning closer.
"I'm not." Blair spat immediately. Doing her best to keep her tone nonchalant.
Austin tilted his head, smirk growing. "You are."
God she wanted to wipe that shit eating grin off his face, but even she couldn't talk herself out of this one. "Fine. Yes, her staring annoyed me. It's not my doing that you've been glued to my side since we got here."
"Hey Blair."
Blair almost jumped out of her skin, she'd been so focused on their conversation she hadn't even noticed Maybe-Hunter approach. Turning to face him, she frowned. "Can I help you?"
Maybe-Hunter smiled, niceness oozing from every pore on his body. "I was wondering if you might want to grab dinner after the next session's done. Maybe we can venture…"
"Hunter right?" She cut him off. She did not have the energy to deal with this Mama's boy with his popped polo and croakies.
"Actually, it's Hadley but my last name is McHuntington—" He started, smile dimming slightly.
Blair rolled her eyes noticing Austin's 'I told you so' gaze on her; but hey at least someone wasn't completely impervious to her rudeness. "Not interested. Besides, I'm afraid we already have plans." She reached over and looped her arm through Austin's.
Austin had stayed quiet throughout the exchange but couldn't help but smirk as Hadley walked away. "Harsh, but glad you changed your mind."
"I did not." Blair spoke, starting to withdraw her arm. She hadn't really been thinking about the consequences of using Austin as a diversion when she'd done it. "I was just…"
Austin shook his head, catching her wrist with his hand as she started to pull away and steering her towards the exit. "Oh no, you aren't getting out of this one, let's go."
"Seriously, why not just go to dinner with Miss Vandy over there." Blair tugged her arm, creating resistance but not nearly enough to actually pull away from him.
He glanced once more over his shoulder. Miss Vandy…his old nick name for Evie. That's when it hit him, that's why she looked so familiar, probably why she was staring at him too. She was one of Evie's sorority sisters. He'd met her at some date function and she'd been one of the girls Evie brought to the beach a few summers back. He blinked quickly not sure how long he'd been out of it, long enough that Blair was looking at him curiously. "She's friends with my ex. Same sorority at Vanderbilt." He said nonchalantly. "That's why she's been staring."
"Oh…sorry?" Blair spoke a question in her voice, not quite sure how to respond.
Austin shrugged, continuing towards the door with Blair in tow while he had her distracted. "Don't be, we're still on good terms."
Blair lifted her eyebrows but didn't question it further since he seemed fine about it. Not that that mattered. They weren't friends. She didn't care. It was then that she realized they'd exited the building and were walking towards the main exit. "Wait a second!" She stopped.
Austin smirked and kept walking, noting with satisfaction that she was still following if somewhat reluctantly. His gut told him that was an act.
"This is kidnapping." Blair spat indignantly.
"Oh really? Scream then." Austin laughed as he pushed open the door, holding it wide for her.
Blair's lips pressed firmly together as she stared him down. But it didn't stop her from walking out the doors, into the sun.
"That's what I thought." He spoke again, shoving his hands in his front pockets as he led her out of the building, towards University Ave.
Blair leveled him with a stair as they continued across campus. "How far exactly are we walking?" She asked, gesturing to her 4 inch Manolos.
Austin sighed dramatically. "Please, I've seen you trounce all over this campus and for that matter Duke's in those heels."
"Exactly!" She said emphatically. "I love these shoes, I'm not trying to ruin them by running a mile."
Once more an easy smile slipped onto Austin's features, as he threw an arm around her neck. "Would you like me to carry you?"
"Don't even think about it." Blair returned, ducking out from under his arm. She quickened her pace, something to take her mind off the tingles his touch had left behind.
Austin lifted his hands in a mock gesture of surrender. "Hey, I was just looking out for your shoes."
Blair shook her head, finding once more that she was suppressing a smile. "You're ridiculous."
Smiling broadly, Austin leveled his gate with hers. "Don't worry, we're just going to The Old Pro, it's right off campus, a couple blocks down University. We'll be there in 10 minutes."
Swallowing tightly, Blair nodded. Knowing this time she hadn't quite been able to hide the smile from her eyes. They lapsed into easy conversation as they walked. So easy she didn't even have time to curse the fact that being with him felt completely natural.
Reaching The OP, Austin held open the door. "After you." She smiled at him in thanks and he couldn't help the thrill that ran through him. He wanted to see her smile like that all the time, no he wanted the real deal, not that small smile she'd just granted him.
Blair looked around the bar, taking in the college sports atmosphere complete with the bull in the middle. This place was clearly a popular hang, people were already filtering in and it wasn't even 5 yet. Looking around she tried to place Austin's friends and failed to see any large groups of guys. Turning to him she lifted an eyebrow. "So where exactly are your friends? You do have friends here right? This wasn't a creepy ploy."
Austin pushed forwards a bit of false bravado, hiding what he knew was a sheepish grin. "You were easier to convince than I thought, they have practice for another hour or so."
"Austin…" She sighed, realizing that meant they were alone together for at least that length of time. She couldn't help but think that was a terrible plan.
"Come on, let's get some food, I'm starving." He let the waitress know they were meeting up with the lacrosse team and she directed him towards giant tables lined up in the back. Placing his hand lightly on Blair's shoulders from behind, he steered her in that direction.
She rolled her eyes but followed him anyway. Of course he hadn't told her ahead of time, what did she actually expect from him?
Sitting down he smirked. "I almost thought you'd forgotten my name." He crossed his arms on the table, withholding an outright grin that she was here with him. "It was quite a blow to the ego."
"Your ego could use a few blows." Blair retorted, sitting down and crossing her legs.
Austin chuckled to himself. "That's probably true."
Shaking her head, Blair leaned forwards. Not resisting the pull that seemed to draw her towards him, at least for a few moments, she missed banter too much. "Seriously, are you always this arrogant?"
"Should I lie?" Austin asked, his half grin matching his lifted brow. He wasn't about to deny he was arrogant, even if he preferred the term self-assured.
Blair froze for just a moment, a seriousness she hadn't expected washing over her as she met his gaze. "No. Don't lie to me."
Austin paused, holding eye contact with her. Their playful banter had halted replaced with something much more serious, he could hear it in her voice; more than that, he could see it in her eyes. She'd been burned before. "Okay." He spoke, his voice filling with sincerity.
The tension that had filled the space between them broke when the waiter took their order. Austin watched closely the way the waiter trained his eyes on Blair and her seeming imperviousness to it. He couldn't help but shake his head.
"What?" Blair asked curious at the way Austin was studying her.
"You don't even see it do you?" He asked, a wry grin on his face.
Blair almost laughed. "What are you talking about now you fool?"
Austin placed his elbows and forearms on the table, leaning towards her. "The way that guys look at you."
"Stop." Blair cut him off, actually laughing this time.
Austin shook his head. "No, really. Hunter, our waiter, both of those two Stanford students who approached you on campus today, not to mention our advisor has been flirting with you since we got here."
"You're being crazy." Blair spoke, not quite meeting his gaze this time. He wasn't wrong, but he wasn't right either. She knew that guys looked at her, but she was a study in obliviousness. She'd hardened herself to it on purpose and now she didn't notice at all.
Austin ignored her and kept going. "It's that way back at Duke too of course. Guys practically follow you around and it doesn't even register with you. And me. Of course there's me, trying desperately to get your attention." He paused for a moment, trying to find her eyes with his own. "Either you don't see it, or you don't want to see it." He spoke, realization filling his voice.
"Doesn't matter." Blair spoke quickly.
"Why?" Austin questioned immediately. "Why doesn't it matter? Why don't you date? Why don't you even look at guys?"
She felt herself pulling back, pulling in. She'd already let him get too close. He had no right to ask her these things, what had she done to give him the idea that he did. "I'm looking at you." She said firmly, trying to fortify her walls against him once more.
He could see it in her eyes as she tried to close herself off from him. He could also see it wasn't working. "That's not what I mean and you know it. If you were looking at me the way I'm talking about, the way that guys look at you, hell the way I look at you, trust me we'd both know. And we definitely wouldn't still be sitting here in this bar, fully clothed."
Blair blushed, unaware that she was angling herself towards him once more. "I just don't." She spoke softly.
"Don't what?" He questioned quickly, unwilling to let her start pulling back again.
"Date." She replied, unsure why she was giving him so much honesty. He hadn't earned that from her, not yet. But she couldn't seem to help it. She could practically feel herself opening up to him.
Austin found his abdominals pressing against the table as he leaned further towards her, his chest angling until his upper body was almost halfway across the table. "Is it because you're focused on getting into law school?"
She exhaled, knowing how close he'd gotten to her but feeling unwilling to fight him for once. "That's part of it."
"What's the other part?" He asked, his voice lowering to match hers.
"I don't know you that well." She spoke, yet she still didn't draw back from him.
He inhaled quietly before breathing out her name. "Waldorf…"
She jolted backwards like a bucket of ice water was dumped on her. "Don't call me that. Don't ever call me that." She cut him off, voice still low, but now with much more power behind it.
"What?" He asked unable to hide his shock. He had no idea what he'd just done but she looked…terrified. He couldn't help but reach out for her hand. Anything to comfort her, steady her. Tether her to him.
Blair felt his hand on hers and didn't pull away. She felt like she was shaking from deep inside, but her body stayed completely still. "Please. It's Blair. Just Blair."
"Okay…Blair." He replied, voice low. Austin nodded slowly, wanting to know more but not knowing what to say. Before he had the chance to figure it out, he saw his friends tumbling through the front doors, almost hearing their boisterous laughter before seeing them.
Meeting her gaze quickly he smiled his most disarming of smiles, speaking assuredly. "For the record you do."
"What?" She questioned, noticing he hadn't given her back her hand.
"Know me. The real me anyway." He spoke, giving her hand a quick squeeze and releasing it before turning to meet his friends.
Blair frowned to herself. Did she? Did she ever really know Austin? Definitely not like she knew Chuck – she didn't know what he was thinking even before he did but did that mean she didn't know him? She wasn't sure. It didn't exactly feel like she did. She remembered a few weeks ago when Chuck ordered for her at dinner and couldn't help but smile.
"What are you thinking about" Austin asked, breaking into her reverie.
Blair smiled, somewhat guiltily. When she spoke she stretched the truth. "You."
"Really?" Austin asked, a smile flooding his face.
Her brow furrowed as she looked to him. She might have stretched the truth slightly at why she'd been smiling at the exact moment he'd caught her, but it wasn't a lie that she'd just been thinking about their first visit to Stanford. A memory she cherished. "Why are you so surprised?" She asked without thinking.
Austin blushed, his grin turning sheepish. "I'm not surprised per say. It's just…the look on your face. You were so lost in thought and your smile…it was brilliant. It made me happy to know that you were smiling because of me."
This time it was Blair's turn to blush; his honesty – especially potent as of late – was always striking. She would never admit that the smile he'd seen wasn't completely for him. Not with how happy it made him. Thinking about that smile that had bled across his face, a warmth filled her to her core. Maybe she didn't know him quite like she knew Chuck, but things like that took time. And they took a giving on both sides. Chuck had her past, all of it. It didn't mean that Austin didn't get to have her future.
Smiling brightly she turned on a Taylor Swift song on her Amazon Echo and started opening the wine. She shimmied her hips as she grabbed a couple glasses from the cabinet, filled them and passed one to him.
They fell back into a perfect sort of silence, he laughed as she danced around the kitchen while drinking her wine. He smiled and shook his head at her. The way she moved about the kitchen, dancing to the beat of the song, as she picked out a cutting board and grabbed a couple of the vegetables he hadn't gotten to yet; had him unable to look away.
He'd already started chopping the vegetables, so she grabbed a cutting board of her own. She picked up the onion and started chopping; she knew he hated that part. Finishing, she slipped under his arm to start heating olive oil in the pan for the stir fry.
Austin laughed again to himself, dancing with her as they exchanged places. She smiled, singing along to the song as they traded off tasks, moving perfectly in sync.
Austin wasn't even sure if he'd told her what he'd started cooking but she seemed to know all on her own. Adding the peppers to her pan of onions and garlic he swapped over to the meat. They'd been growing closer over the last few weeks but he'd missed having this perfect synchronicity with her. He was glad they still had it.
The continued like that, settling into a kind of ease just being together. As they finished and started setting the table, Blair couldn't help but remember that they'd always had this weird rhythm with one another, even when they'd barely been friends. Honestly she remembered it dating back as early as November of their senior year when they were studying for the LSATs.
"Pass the yellow highlighter" She spoke, hand outstretched towards Austin over their mound of books and practice tests occupying more than their half of the library table.
He snatched it off the table and had it in her hand without looking away from his books. "Red bull, please." He replied.
Blair smiled, she'd already been reaching for one to hand him before he asked. At this point their LSAT study situation was a well-oiled machine.
Blair's sorority sisters sitting across the table rolled their eyes at the studying perfection but didn't comment as they went back to their own assignments.
Austin caught his eyes lingering on Blair after taking the red bull from her. Even studying in her version of comfy clothes she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. He could spend all day looking at her, eyes roaming the panes of her face, and never get bored.
The two girls across from them glanced at each other knowingly. The redhead, Kieran, smirked. "They are…they have to be." She spoke, doing little to keep her voice down.
Lexa shrugged, her blonde curls flipping as she did. "They say they aren't."
"But just look at them." Kieran responded emphatically as she gestured between the two with her own highlighter.
Smiling, Lexa looked between the maybe-couple. "Yeah, I mean, they definitely look good together."
"That's not even what I mean." Kieran responded. She liked Blair even if the girl wasn't the easiest to get to know. She knew Blair didn't really date, that's why she believed her when she said she wasn't with Austin, but even she had to admit that it was getting hard to believe. "Watch him, watch her."
Lexa looked back at Austin, this time noting the way Austin's gaze lingered just a fraction too long. She looked at Kieran and her smile brightened.
Austin, was still having a hard time taking his gaze off Blair, something he heard her sorority sister's notice. Not that he cared. He actually thought it was funny. He knew by Blair's lack of reaction though that she was probably too focused on her studying to notice. Shaking it off he glanced back towards Blair one more time. "Pass me the-"
Blair had the logic questions in her hand before he even finished. She knew he was always ready for the logic questions when she was finishing them up. "I need…" But she didn't even get the sentence out when the practice test landed in front of her.
"I mean look how absolutely in sync they are." Kieran exclaimed, shaking her head.
Lexa nodded enthusiastically. "And she never dates, girls that look like her don't just not have boyfriends." It was true, Blair was gorgeous and she rarely even looked at a guy. "And they definitely don't have guy friends as hot as Austin that they aren't hooking up with."
"We're right here." Blair finally cut in, not even really looking up.
'So she was paying attention.' Austin thought to himself as he moved on to the next question.
Matching blushes rose to their faces but Kieran was the first to shrug it off. "Can you actually blame us for speculating?"
"Seriously look at the two of you." Lexa added. "You can't expect us to believe you're just friends."
Blair rolled her eyes and turned her head to look at Austin. He was still semi-pretending to answer the logic questions in front of him but she could see the way his eyes were cutting just enough to the side to catch hers in his periphery. "Friends?" She asked with a raised eyebrow. "We aren't exactly friends."
Lexa's eyes widened. "So you're actually admitting it?"
Austin snorted, still looking at the question in front of him, though that was getting more difficult by the second. "No, she's denying the fact that we're friends."
This time it was Kieran that rolled her eyes. "Please…you two are together literally all the time. I haven't seen one of you without the other outside of Chapter in months."
"You don't believe me?" Blair asked, lifting one eyebrow and straightening her spine. "Watch this." She spoke, turning towards Austin, wrapping her hand quickly behind his head, and pulling his mouth to hers.
Austin was startled at first, he'd been looking at his books when we felt her dragging his mouth to hers; but it took him only a moment to respond. His heart rate rose as he repositioned, never breaking his focus on her as he breathed her in. His tongue flickered quickly across her lips and he felt himself grin as she seemed to part hers in acquiescence a sigh escaping her throat. He didn't know what game she was playing but he was in, whatever it was. He was reaching up to thread his fingers in her hair when he felt her pull back, leaving him cold and wanting.
"See, nothing there." Blair spoke with a calm and composed shrug.
Austin's eyes searched her face for a sign that she was bluffing. 'Nothing? How could that have been nothing to her when he could barely catch his breath?' But sure enough she was the perfect picture of serenity.
Kieran shook her head. She might be fooling Lexa, she might even be fooling Austin based on the look in his eyes, but she wasn't fooling her. "At minimum you're friends, but I'm guessing you're fucking."
"Kieran!" Lexa gasped almost laughing.
Blair's eyes flashed quickly, she could feel it, the undeniable need to just obliterate someone. These were her sorority sisters, she reminded herself, keeping her composure. Besides she actually liked Kieran. "If you must know Austin and I have a bit of a competition going. We are not as you so delicately put it…fucking. We are simply pushing one another to get into the best possible law school."
Lexa laughed slightly, looking from Blair back to Austin. "Well I think Austin wants to be friends, actually I think he wants a good deal more than that from you." She said gesturing towards him, his eyes were still trained on Blair though, thoughts of that kiss running rampant through his brain.
Austin saw Blair shrug and saw her sorority sisters get up to leave. He thought they said something about a class but he was still focused solely on Blair as that kiss wreaked havoc on his brain. He didn't even know how long it had lasted, it felt like the briefest moment yet now was looping through his brain into what felt like eternity. He was never going to forget that kiss, the way it seared his lips, her sigh as her mouth parted. Not for the rest of his life. "What the hell was that?" He asked, still completely focused on her.
Blair shrugged somewhat apologetically. "That was me getting them off our backs so that we can go back to studying. They weren't going to quit." She added the last bit almost matter-of-factly but felt the slightest bit of attitude…or maybe it was panic…creep in at the look on his face.
Austin almost smirked "In that case can they not quit again so that we can repeat that."
Blair barked out a small laugh, though she could feel the nervous energy from that kiss working its way through her body. Turning back to her law books she shook her head. "Austin that's not going to happen. We're not going to happen."
"You know they were right don't you." He spoke, his voice softening almost imperceptibly as he focused his eyes on the side of her face, determined to have this conversation.
Blair's brows furrowed. Kieran and Lexa had said lots of things, very few of them were right. "About what?"
Austin felt the corner of his mouth tug upwards into a sort of half smile. "About us being friends. We're at least that."
Blair sighed but he noticed she didn't correct him and continued. "Why don't you want to be my friend?" Again she sighed, but this time she also closed her book. He studied her carefully for a moment, noticing her gaze around the study room they had commandeered as though the answers to his questions were going to appear on the wall; before finally looking back at him.
She paused a moment, collecting her words before speaking. "I know how this sounds. But honestly, I didn't come here, I didn't come to Duke, to make friends." She shook her head, forcing her eyes to meet his. "And you and I we want the same thing. Us being friends just makes everything more difficult."
Austin could feel himself conceding that point, even though he didn't want to. Yes it made things difficult that they both wanted the Stanford spot, but at this point something was telling him it was going to be even more difficult to stay away from her. "I'm not sure I care anymore." He spoke aloud, not knowing for sure that she'd follow his train of thought, but sensing the rhythm they'd found would lead them there.
"I do." She replied without hesitation.
Austin's brows tightened, the first true hint of frustration slipping into his voice. "What are you so scared of? Is it getting hurt?"
She exhaled. They both knew now that they were talking about being friends but they were talking about a lot more than that too. "I don't want to get attached to something that's not permanent."
There were so many things so wrong with her statement but of all the things he'd thought he'd say, his question almost surprised himself. "Who was he?" Austin asked immediately.
Blair flinched, that hadn't been what she was expecting. "What are you talking about?"
Now that he'd asked he couldn't take it back, and he didn't want to. Instead he found himself going deeper with his line of questioning, hopeful she'd actually tell him the truth. "The guy who did this to you, the reason you're so closed off, who was he."
Blair swallowed tightly, a frown slipping onto her face. She wasn't answering this question. "I really don't know what you mean." She practically snapped at him.
"Yeah you do. I felt it in the kiss." He replied, the smirk reappearing on his face as his eyebrow lifted in question. "And you can say what you want to those girls but you and I both know that was one hell of a kiss. Except you were shutting me out, I could feel you forcing a wall up."
"I'm telling you…" She started, determined to shut this conversation down.
"Blair despite your best efforts, I'm starting to know you, I'm starting to make it past those walls you keep throwing in my face. You can tell yourself we're not friends and you don't care all you want but you and I both know we are friends. Just like you and I both know that some guy did this, he made you scared to let down your guard and he's why you ran from New York." Austin responded cutting her off and leaning towards her.
Blair jolted internally. How had he gotten this close? How had she let someone this far in when she'd sworn she never would again. "This conversation is over." She spoke starting to pack up. "I'm going to go."
Austin shook his head, relaxing back into his seat before standing. "No, you stay, I'll go." He slipped his things in his bag, leaving her with the logic questions.
Blair's eyes glanced down to the logic questions in front of her noting he didn't even ask for them. She felt the tension filling the room so quickly that she almost could breathe. It was like someone had plugged the drain and left the water running. The sink had to fill over. Her breath caught and the pen dropped from her hands as she shifted in her chair; even though she saw him turn away and begin to walk she knew he wasn't done.
Just as Austin placed his hand on the door knob he froze. "You know what, fuck it." Flipping around to face her, his hand holding his bag over one shoulder, Austin's gaze met hers head on. He took two quick steps forwards, clasping her arm and pulling her from the chair into him. Clasping a hand behind her head he kissed her hard on the mouth, this time feeling her melt completely into him.
Blair exhaled into him as he kissed her; her hands reaching, grasping on to his back. She'd held back before, but the surprise of the moment allowed her to let go. Something about kissing him felt a little bit like breathing.
Pulling back, Austin exhaled, his eyes searching hers for answers, searching to make sure that this time she'd felt it too. "They were right about something else too Blair. I'm not trying to scare you away and I don't need you to reciprocate, but I do…want more." He spoke, breathless. "And whoever he is, whatever he put you through, you deserve to know that there are still good guys out there that wouldn't treat you like that and I'm one of them." With that he released her and walked out of the study hall.
"You were doing it again." Austin spoke, smiling automatically this time as they sat down to eat. "Do I get to assume that smile was still about me?"
Blair nodded, relieved to be able to tell the truth. "I was thinking about the first time you really kissed me."
"Ahh." He smiled, remembering the day easily. He'd wanted to kiss her for months before that, but she'd had these giant walls up back then. He frowned slightly, realizing that he wasn't sure she'd ever completely dropped those walls.
"What's wrong?" She asked, quickly breaking through his revere as an eerie guilt began to ache in her stomach.
His eyes met hers and he shook his head. He didn't want to accuse her of something, especially not when today had been going so well. He wasn't an idiot, he knew she was still struggling with her feelings. But he also knew she did love him, and he could fight hard enough for both of them. But in the name of honesty he couldn't lie to her; he'd promised her a long time ago he'd never do that, it was the first thing she ever asked of him. "I was thinking about the way you used to try to keep me out. Those walls you built around yourself."
Blair's brow furrowed. She knew what he meant, he was always all in, from the very beginning. She'd been the one holding back. On some level she knew from the beginning, she was the one to build the walls after all. And Austin, he'd called her on it more times than she could count. But she had been naïve enough to think that she'd eventually let them down for Austin, like Chuck had let them down for her. She could see by the look in his eyes that he was realizing now that maybe she'd never had. "I'm trying. I'm not sure I know how to do this."
Setting his fork down Austin gave her a small half smile. "I know."
Maybe it was her own fault she didn't know him. He gave her everything. He told her who he was. Maybe she just didn't listen. Maybe she did listen and she just didn't care. The thought hit her like a slap. Had she been so callous? So closed-off that that was a possibility? She'd already admitted to herself that she hadn't let him in, hadn't let him know the real her. Was it really that much of a leap from that to thinking that she hadn't invested herself enough to try to know him?
"Hey what's wrong?" Austin asked cupping her face.
Blair jumped, she hadn't even noticed how close he'd gotten, that he'd come to stand in front of her. She was about to lie say she was fine and was immediately sad that that was her natural instinct. "Austin." She spoke her voice almost a sigh.
His eyes searched hers with intensity; looking for answers he wasn't sure she could provide. Yet the way she was looking at him right now was sending his blood scorching through his veins. This heart began to strum loudly in his ears as his thumb traced her jaw. "Blair." He spoke softly, not wanting to rush or confuse her.
She leaned forwards, quickly pressing her lips to his. She needed this, needed to feel something other than confused.
He immediately answered her kiss, pulling her against him in a way that couldn't help remind him of that first kiss ages ago. He smiled against her mouth at the thought.
She felt his smile against her lips and deepened the kiss. It didn't matter what anyone else thought, she loved Austin, they would make this work. Pulling his lower lip between her teeth, she bit playfully, letting him know it was okay to continue, to let go. "Upstairs." She whispered breathlessly breaking the kiss.
Austin's eyes lit with surprise but he wasn't about to say no. His body ached with how much it had missed her. Following her quickly to her room, he immediately turned her around and pressed her against the door when they arrived. His mouth found hers as he let the passion he'd been holding back go.
Gasping against him, Blair turned, pulling him towards the bed, her fingers tugging on his shirt.
As they reached the bed, Austin smiled, running his hand up her thigh as he leaned into her. "Blair, we don't need to do this, you know I'd never want to pressure you if you're not ready."
In reply she kissed him. She needed this, she needed this to stifle the thoughts of Chuck, the confusion of her emotions. This would be enough keep that at bay, she needed it.
Breaking away once more, Austin looked into her eyes. "You sure?"
His words sent a chills straight down her spine. Every muscle in her body tightened as she pulled away from him. "Austin…"
He shook his head. "You're not ready."
"It's just…" She exhaled. "I want to be."
"But you're not." He replied softly pressing his lips to her temple. "I'll wait as long as you need."
She nods. She knew she didn't deserve him. And yet, he's the one thing that made her feel safe anymore; the only thing that makes her feel whole. But she can't use him, not like she did before. If they're going to be together, she has to be honest with him about her confusion. "Chuck and I had a fight at their engagement party." She spoke, her voice strong and steady.
Austin's brow furrowed, shifting to lie beside her on the bed, propping himself up on his side. "When?" He couldn't remember them even being alone together.
"When I went to the restroom, I heard something and went to see what it was." She spoke, head turning to meet his gaze. "I found Chuck in his office." She hesitated for a moment, unsure how much truth to give, opting for just shy of honesty. "We argued, it was…intense. There was a kiss." She knew her words were misleading but it would have to be enough, she couldn't bring herself to hurt him more than that. "I owe you more than that. I'm sorry."
His brain was racing a million miles a minute as his eyes looked into hers. He inhaled deeply, trying to process things. "He is why you came back here isn't he?"
She nods her head slowly, unsure what Austin might do. "I've been…conflicted about how I feel."
"But then you took back my ring. Is that why? Because you and Chuck had a fight?" He responded, his voice gentle.
This time it was Blair's brow that furrowed. "Our argument might have spurred my response, but I took back the ring because of what you said that night. I took it back because I want to be with you. I want to make this work." She spoke placing her hand on his heart. "But I understand if you want to leave."
Austin felt himself relax into her touch as he leaned forwards, touching his forehead to hers. She hadn't asked for his forgiveness but it was already hers. He'd forgive her anything. He knew what he was doing coming here, he knew they had things to work through. "If you still want me here, I'm not going anywhere."
"I want you here." She spoke, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him tightly to her. "I need you here."
Austin sighed as he held her to him. "Then I'm here." Running his fingers through her hair, he rested his head on her shoulder. "I need you too."
"Stay in here with me tonight?" She asked, tucking her body against him and relaxing into the comfort he provided.
"Of course." He spoke, not caring they were both still partially dressed. He simply drew her closer, smiling to himself when he heard her breathing slow as she fell asleep.
"Hey there." Steph said with a smile, looking up from her laptop as Dan walked into the living room. She'd made the call to go ahead and bring her work home to relieve Blair for her date when she realized Dan was going to be a while with Serena.
Noticing a particularly determined look in Dan's eye she sat up straighter and her smile turned into a bit of a smirk. "Okay spill, what is it?"
"I have to put it in." He spoke, a hard edge to his voice as he walked into the living room. He could see that Steph was buried in work, manuscripts spread across the table, her glasses on and her laptop in her lap but he had to do this now. His manuscript was already at the printer so he was probably going to have to do some schmoozing to get the publisher to agree to a partial reprint.
Steph's eyebrows raised as she leaned further forward. "Are you sure about that?"
Dan exhaled dropping his messenger bag into the chair next to him. "I can't throw everyone else under the bus and just stand on top of the wreckage. Especially considering what I did." He rubbed his hand across his face as he chuckled darkly, this was a mess. "I can't protect myself."
Steph bit her lip, eyes twinkling up at Dan as her smirk widened. "Guess it's a good thing I didn't send it to the printer then." Setting her laptop down on the table, she stood gesturing to him to take her place. "Here you go."
Dan tilted his head, eyebrows pulling together in confusion. "What? It was supposed to be at the printer last week."
"C'mon, see what I was working on." She spoke, a small smile on her face as she tugged him over.
Looking down Dan saw that the manuscripts around her were his, along with his notes. And her laptop was open to the right chapter of Life and Lies.
Seeing Dan take it all in she squeezed his hand. "I put a hold on it. I knew you'd want to add it eventually." Laughing to herself she shook her head. "Besides, as your editor it's my job to tell you that it's the perfect flip to the chapter where Bianca leaves in Wishing Wells. It sets up the premise for the next book."
Dan gave his wife a lopsided grin, she knew him too well. "Is it going to affect the release date?"
"Doesn't matter." Steph shrugged. "We're doing a surprise drop anyway and had already talked about moving it to the beginning of November."
Nodding, Dan looked down at the writers' nest she'd made him and exhaled. "It will probably be late before I get to bed."
Steph nodded in return, giving him a quick kiss before heading to their room, she knew the likelihood of Dan making it to bed at all tonight was slim.
Sitting down Dan pulled the laptop into his lap smiling at one of Steph's postit notes on the edge.
Dan,
Just take a deep breath and start writing.
LOVE YOU!
Closing his eyes he followed her instructions. And on his exhale he let his fingers type.
Okay so thoughts? Again I promise more Chuck next chapter (lots more Chuck tbh). Honestly lots more of everyone. The next chapter is QUITE a doozy.
Reviews are love.
xoxo
kate