Okay...I can't believe I'm giving you another chapter so soon but here we are. I'm going to chalk it up to the fact that I'm in an excellent mood today and just wanted the spread the joy haha.
Large parts of this chapter have been written almost since the start of the fanfic. They've been referenced many times before so you've known they're coming. Time to find out just what Dan and Serena said to Blair that contributed to her departure…
All the flashbacks in this section are original. No repeats :)
To my reviewers, y'all are amazing and inspiring and wonderful andddddd are 100% of the reason why you're getting this next chapter so quickly.
Thanks as always to my amazing beta kosoul7
Dylan Hunter – Dan Humphrey
Bianca Windsor – Blair Waldorf
Clark Banks – Chuck Bass
Sabrina von Nesson – Serena Van Der Woodsen
Nick Albright – Nate Archibald
Evan von Nesson – Eric Van Der Woodsen
Siobhan "Shiv" Alistor – Stephanie "Steph" Astor (Dan's Wife)
Genevieve "Gen" Cummings – Gwenivere "Gwen" Chancelor
Daniela - Dorota
Lex Genoa – Louis Grimaldi
Alina Albright – Anne Archibald
Lydia von Nesson Hunter – Lily Van der Woodsen Humphrey
Jacqueline "Jacq" Hunter – Jenny Humphrey
Violet Adams – Vanessa Abrams
Bitch Buzz – Gossip Girl
James Banks – Jack Bass
Baron Banks – Bart Bass
The Hotel – The Empire
Vintage - Victrola
Aiden Drayton – Austen Davenport
Isis Hayes – Isobel "Izzy" Hastings (A friend Blair meets at Duke but moves in with in California)
Kara – Kieran (Blair's sorority sister & roommate at Duke)
Lena – Lexa (Blair's sorority sister at Duke)
Garret and Layla Thompson – Greyson and Layne Thorne (The couple Chuck and Blair spent time with in the Hamptons)
Chapter 29:
The Betrayals He Expected, And the One He Didn't
Dan was right.
He did know the moment he saw it.
Within one line he'd recognized the scene from Wishing Wells.
Within one page he knew Dan had left a fuckton out the first time around. Not the last of which, was that in Wishing Wells, Bianca had gone to see Dylan, not the other way around.
Before the end of the chapter, he knew Dan was right not to be anywhere near him when he read this.
If she asked Dylan, he would have said that he heard her approach before he saw her. The quick clip of her heels was a cadence all her own, its own perfect melody against the backdrop of city sounds, and as much a signature of Bianca Windsor as her Chanel perfume and fire engine red lip. She wouldn't ask.
"Well, well, well Hunter, fancy running into you. And here of all places." Bianca spoke, gesturing around her to the sidewalks of the Upper East Side, just outside her apartment. The sidewalks she'd ruled since she could walk. "I thought you didn't venture out of Brooklyn, unless I dragged you."
"You're back." He spoke a smile slipping easily onto his face because though her words were harsh, he could see she was happy to see him from the sparkle in her eye. And just bringing out that small sparkle was enough to make his week.
"Stating the obvious, Hunter." Bianca spoke, through a broadening smile. She didn't know what he was doing outside of her building, but she was happy to see her former paramour. She and Clark had been keeping things low key until the end of summer when they'd agreed they'd tell everyone about the engagement together, but it was nice to talk to a friend.
Taking a step towards her Dylan spoke, trying to hold his anxiety at bay. "Where's Lex?"
"That's over." She returned dismissively waving her head. Really that felt like a lifetime ago now.
"That quick." Dylan replied with lifted brow.
Shrugging, Bianca tossed her bag over her shoulder and sighed. "It is what it is."
"And you don't seem affected in the slightest." Dylan replied, his mouth attempting a smirk, but struggling to hold back a smile.
Exhaling, she smiled wryly, admitting to Dylan what he probably already knew. "Lex was never the one for me. I was more in love with the idea of him. And I think we all knew that." Even me. She thought to herself.
Dylan could feel the happiness bubbling up from somewhere deep inside him. Bianca was back, and more importantly she wasn't engaged to Lex anymore. This was it. From the moment he'd talked with Jacq last night he'd been unable to sleep, wondering why she was truly back and if it could have anything to do with the feelings that had been growing between them last spring.
"Jacq, I just can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop thinking that Bianca and I never got our chance. We didn't have an ending, Lex just swept in offering everything she'd ever wanted. I just need closure." He spoke into his cell, glad he had his sister to confide in.
He could hear her breathing on the other end of the line, so he knew she hadn't hung up, but she was taking so long to reply. When she did he understood why.
"Maybe it's not closure you need."
"What do you mean?" He asked, feeling his heart rate pick up. He heard her exhale again before she spoke.
"Bianca's back in New York. She has been for at least a month. And as far as I know, Lex isn't."
His heart gave a lurch in his chest at the thought, his happiness that things might be over with Lex was mixed with a disappointment that she hadn't told him she was home. "She's back? Jacq, how do you even know that?" He knew for a fact it hadn't been on Bitch Buzz.
"That's not important. What is, is that you now have the chance to find out if she feels the same way you do."
Dylan shook his head. "I don't know if I can. As badly as it hurts seeing her with someone else, I've never had to face the possibility that she doesn't feel the same way. That would be so much worse."
"Look Dylan, a girl like Bianca is never going to come to you. If you want her, you have to tell her. As much as it turns my stomach, I think she might feel the same way; now that she's finally moved past everything with Clark."
Pressing his lips together Dylan exhaled. "You really think she's done with Clark?"
"I saw them last year remember, their edges were already so frayed. She was already starting to realize that she would never reach her own goals, never have power of her own outside of high school, if she stayed with him. Now…no she'd never go back to him. Bianca is much too strong for that."
Smiling, Dylan realized his sister might just have an ulterior motive. "And none of this has anything to do with the fact that if I were dating Bianca Windsor you could come back to Manhattan?"
"Having that option again would be a perk. But mostly I just want you to be happy. So just tell her how you feel and maybe we all get what we want."
Thinking back to that conversation with Jacq he smiled. She was back, she was done with Lex, and according to Jacq, she was done with Clark. His sister had been right so far, maybe she was right about all of it. A slightly cocky smile slipped onto his face as he slid his hands into his front pockets. "Bianca…" He started, relishing the taste of her name on his tongue. "When I heard you were in the city, I was a little disappointed you didn't come see me."
"Hunter," She started, blinking back her surprise. Why hadn't she seen it before, really from the minute he'd shown up on her doorstep? He thought she'd come back for him. Pressing her lips together, she held back the part of her that would rather be dismissive. She was still hopeful that their friendship could be salvaged, and she couldn't take her feelings out on him if she wanted that. "What we had, well you'll always be one of my best friends but it's never going to be more than that one night."
His heart dropped somewhere into his stomach with her words. And he knew Bianca Windsor, this was her version of being nice; he could see it in the way her eyes squinted at the corners. "I see." He spoke, his voice lower than he'd expected.
Shaking her head, she reached out to place a hand on his shoulder; wanting to comfort him but not sure how. She'd known he had feelings for her, but she'd hoped they'd dissipated over time. "D, our friendship is still important to me. I don't want to lose that. But what we have, it's not love."
Looking down at her hand on his shoulder, the disappointment turning in his gut to anger, he snapped before he could stop himself. "Then you probably shouldn't have made love to me."
Bianca's eyes widened in surprise, hand jerking back from his shoulder. Where had he gotten that idea? She was still striving not to lash out at him when he had nothing to do with why she was in a mood today – Clark had had to run out on breakfast, that wasn't Dylan's fault. "We had sex Dylan…once. And I'm sorry but I don't feel the way about you- "
"That you felt about Clark?" He cut her off. Removing his hands from his pockets he took a step backward; ready to leave and be done with this conversation, but that step back was what allowed him to see the look on her face. "That you feel about Clark." He corrected himself, this time a statement. "You're already back together with him."
She still didn't speak but her gaze wasn't meeting his and he could see her teeth tugging on her bottom lip. That was more than enough for him to know. "You are, aren't you."
Bianca remained silent. The condemnation in Dylan's voice was enough to ensure she didn't want him to be the first she told that they were more than just back together, they were engaged. His closeness began to bother her, it felt antagonistic for the first time in a long time and that was enough to let some of the emotion she was trying to keep tightly leashed eek out. "Dylan, you can't honestly believe things would work with us. We're too different."
A part of him always knew that she'd come back, that she could never leave NYC; but deep inside he'd thought it was him she'd come back for. When Jacq had told him what he wanted to hear, he'd been all too willing to believe her. "Maybe what you need is someone different, Bianca. Someone who isn't going to treat you like property."
"Like property…" She spoke her voice trailing off dangerously. She could only hold back for so long and if he pushed her much further, she couldn't be responsible for how she lashed out. Especially with what he was implying regarding Clark. "You don't understand what we have and that's okay, but I'm not going to stand here a moment longer and let you degrade it." She spat, taking two quick steps around him. "I have to go anyway, there's a Girls, Inc. meeting and Alina Albright is finally over the debacle from last fall."
Turning, Dylan grabbed her wrist. "You think things are going to be different this time Bianca? You think he's changed? That he's not just going to keep hurting you over and over again?"
"This is none of your business." Her voice, bordered on shrill as she turned back towards Hunter, imploring him to drop it.
Dylan shook his head, hand still lightly holding her wrist. "Sure, it is Bianca. You're my business. I'm fucking in love with you."
Jolting backwards, she closed her eyes and tugged her hand from his grasp. "No, you aren't."
"I am." He responded adamantly, matching her step with one of his own. "And I would put you first in a way that he never does, hell I already do."
He could see the look in her eyes, practically taunting him, saying he didn't understand them. Maybe he didn't, but he knew her, and he knew that what Clark could give her would never be enough. "You think you're ever going to be his first priority? Haven't you learned your lesson by now? You can't keep banging your head into the same wall. You've never been first, not when it mattered. He traded you for a fucking hotel."
Taking yet another step he met her gaze emphatically stating. "You're are always going to be second best to him. He's never going to give you what you want, what you need. But I could."
Bianca couldn't help but flinch at his words, words that hit entirely too close to home. Her emotions were much too close to the surface as Dan forced her to think about everything that had happened lately; the way she'd felt every time he chose work over her, the promises Clark had already broken, the way she already felt like she was losing herself.
When Bianca just stood there, he knew his words were affecting her. Her face betrayed what words would never admit. Clark must have already fucked up again. So he went back to something Jacq had said on the phone, something he knew would resonate. "You want to be a powerful woman; yet all you do is run from man to man. You're too scared to stand on your own two feet and until you do that…you'll never be powerful, you'll just keep being this weak little girl who goes back to him."
It felt like a bullet had shot clear through her stomach, tearing through all sorts of vital organs. Dylan's words were straight out of her worst nightmares; if he saw it too, that must make it true. Maybe Clark hadn't changed, maybe they were just back in that same unending circle they'd always been in, completely unable to escape.
No. Fuck no. Knowing Dylan he'd read a single reaction on her face and followed each subsequent expression like a trail of breadcrumbs to land here. Dylan could read people, could manipulate them. And that's exactly what he was doing to her. But it wasn't going to work.
Taking a step towards him, she knew the surprise he felt at having his space invaded would turn the tables; that alone should be enough to alert him that the real Bianca Windsor was back, and she was about to tear him to pieces. "Get your head out of your fucking ass and look around Dylan. We're not just puppets you get to manipulate in your little marionette show." She spat.
His eyes lit with confusion and he wanted to back away, but he could see by the look in her eyes that backing down now wouldn't do him a damn bit of good.
"Oh, you didn't think I knew you've been writing about us?" She spoke condescension oozing from her voice. "Yeah, when Violet sent your book to the publishing companies, she also sent it to me." She added, a devilish glint in her eyes as a smirk slid onto her face. "She actually thought I'd want to know how you felt."
Dylan could practically feel his shoulders pulling in as though he were trying to crumble into himself; he could see it in her eyes, Bianca wasn't done, no, she was just about to go in for the kill.
"Well you want to know how I feel? I feel like you're a manipulative opportunist who uses people to get what you want; not caring who gets hurt in the process." She spat before taking a step towards him. Narrowing her gaze her tone changed, tinted just slightly with pity. "You don't even see who you've become. What you've become."
Exhaling she shook her head just once. "You really want to be an 'Insider' Dylan? Congratulations, because from where I'm standing, you're so far inside you're never going to be able to claw your way back out. And trust me, that's a fate I wouldn't wish on anyone."
He should have known from the beginning that was what had changed, that was where he'd get angry at Dan. He'd known that Blair had seen him before leaving town but based on how it played in Wishing Wells he'd always thought that Blair had stopped by to say goodbye to Dan on her way out, decision already made. He'd always wondered why she would have said goodbye to Humphrey but not Nate or Serena – none of them would ever talk about it. Now he knew she hadn't intended to.
It was strange though, sure Dan had left out the worst of it the first time, but Dan could have told him this. As much as Chuck wanted someone else to blame for Blair leaving – someone besides himself – he knew this wasn't enough to send her running. Blair didn't care enough about what Dan Humphrey thought of her to leave on his account. Dan really did overestimate his connection to Blair if he thought he was that important.
Re-reading the last bit looking for hints as to why Humphrey would be so concerned, he frowned. He could practically feel her disillusionment with her life in those last few lines. She'd been unhappy, not just with their relationship but with all of it, their whole world had worn her down. He'd always known that Nate felt that way – well until he just decided he didn't care enough to care – but how had he never realized that Blair had grown to hate all of this. He remembered something Jenny had told him once back when their pseudo step-family was all basically living at Lily's. It had been about her fight with Blair freshman year, about the way Blair had been testing her, about the price that came with this world.
"I know you think that Blair needs this…this world." Jenny spoke gesturing her hand over her shoulder at the now empty apartment. "But I don't think she needs it nearly as much as you think. NYU, that's whatever to her, what she cares about is what her friends think of her, what her family thinks."
Chuck arched his eyebrow, leaning back against the bar as his step sister talked. He hadn't meant to bring any of this up, but she'd overheard his conversation earlier with Eric and now here they were; Blair would kill him if she knew. "You think you know Blair better than I do?"
Jenny couldn't help but roll her eyes. "Of course not. It's just, I know a part of her I'm not sure she'd ever let you see." Exhaling Jenny shook her head. She didn't really want to explain this story to Chuck but at this point it was probably her only way of proving her point. "Freshman year, when Blair and I were at war, I went to her to concede after the debacle at Asher's." She couldn't quite ignore the smirk on his lips at Blair triumph. "Enough, you and Blair weren't even speaking."
As Chuck dipped his head in acquiescence she continued. "I went to her afterwards and reminded her of something she said to me once. 'If you want to be part of this world Jenny, people will talk eventually. You need to decide if all this, is worth it.' I told her it wasn't."
Shrugging, Chuck began to push off the bar "I don't see how that…"
Jenny lifted a hand quickly. "It wasn't that she said it, or that I told her it wasn't." Swallowing Jenny shook her head. "The first time, Blair had been almost cocky about it and I idolized her, I didn't really understand what she was saying. I took it at face value. But the second time…it was right after that debacle with you and Nate; when I told her that the price I had paid wasn't worth it, the look in her eyes was almost…"
"Understanding?" Chuck asked, beginning to understand why Jenny was telling him this at all.
"No, envious." She replied, voice measured. "She'd just bested me and yet there was this sadness in her eyes that said more than that she understood; which of course she did, Blair's paid the price to be in this world probably more than any of you, she's had it the worst always having to work for everything she got when the people around her were just handed things. But that look - I can still see it – it was so haunted. She more than understood, she more than agreed with me, she was jealous because unlike me she didn't just get to decide that this world isn't worth the price. She looked trapped."
He'd known she was frustrated with their world a few times; in high school, at NYU, at Saints and Sinners, but he thought because she was so adept at navigating it that in the end she always wanted all of this. Maybe it wasn't what she'd wanted at all. Jenny had seen it from practically from the beginning, how had he not?
Reading it again, he flinched at that last line at how trapped she'd sounded; he didn't have to look at Dan's note to know she'd really said it. He did anyway.
Yes, she said all that. Fuck she said a lot worse considering the fact that she
and I didn't actually have sex and I'd written that we did. As you can tell,
I gave myself a break in Wishing Wells…the truth didn't exactly fit what
Dylan wanted to project as reality; what I wanted to project. I wish I could
say that's the worst thing I did. Just know I am beyond sorry that it isn't.
That wasn't what he'd expected to read. He thought he would see some babble about all of Bianca's words being true; coupled with an overblown apology considering the situation. That's why he hadn't bothered to look at the note initially. If that wasn't the thing Dan meant…what the fuck had Dan actually done?
Chuck's entire spine felt tense as he turned the page to keep reading. Considering Dan's words, he wasn't surprised to find himself following Dylan's day instead of Bianca's. His brow furrowed, spine shooting even straighter, as Dylan met Sabrina for lunch.
Serena hadn't been back in the city yet when Blair left. This was something he knew for a fact; he'd confirmed that with her more times than he could count. But why would Dan have written in a scene with Serena? Unless, Serena had been in the city…and lied about it.
His pulse began to ratchet upwards, his eyes widening as he read through Dylan and Sabrina's fight. Sabrina had met him wanting to get back together. Dylan, blinded by his feelings for Bianca, had completely misread everything. Coming in hot off of their confrontation he'd proceeded to layout everything he'd said to her…and worse. Chuck could practically feel Sabrina's jealousy and ire oozing off the page. It was like a bomb, tick, tick, ticking and it seemed Dylan had no idea that he'd set the timer. Looking to another note by Dan, he shook his head.
Serena had read the book too…I'm sure you remember her reaction.
It was true, Serena had not reacted well to Dan's book because Dan had made Blair into the star of his story instead of her. It had taken her a long time to get over that. Truthfully, he wasn't sure she ever had; her relationship with Dan certainly hadn't.
It was almost ironic. Dan had gone to Blair with his feelings thinking she felt the same; while Blair had been with him. And in turn, Serena had gone to Dan, who'd been obsessed with Blair. But he still didn't see why this was really important to the story, to their story.
Chuck tried to remember Serena during that time; she'd been self-centered some might even say self-obsessed, but she was usually a good friend to Blair. That said, there was a reason Dan had written her the way he did in Insider. When it came to something Serena wanted, she wasn't exactly good at seeing the consequences of her actions; even if it were Blair she was hurting. And while Blair knew what it was like, not to get what she wanted; Serena, never did. In turn, the storm Serena's jealousy could bring was so much worse.
So what, Serena was a bitch, that didn't really matter. And why would Dan have included this unless it did.
Again his heartbeat quickened, Sabrina and Dylan talking, Sabrina being back at all, didn't mean anything unless it came back to Bianca. He didn't have to keep reading to know what that meant: Serena, someone who's opinion Blair did care about, had spoken to Blair before she left.
Serena had been blatantly lying to him for years. She'd sworn she hadn't even been back in the city when Blair left, much less spoken to her. And yet there was no chance that wasn't where this was going. For her to lie to him, to everyone, for so long, meant it did matter and she knew it.
Dan knew, he'd always known, that must be why he thought Chuck would be mad; that made more sense. Finishing the asinine conversation between Dylan and Sabrina, which Sabrina left he assumed to go lambast Bianca, he was surprised the narration didn't follow her. His eyes read on quickly, he did not care about another phone call between Dylan and Jacq; with a third rehashing of everything Dylan had said to Bianca. He got the idea. Dan really beat himself up over his role. Almost skimming through, his gaze froze on one line.
"There is one way to make her see that Clark's always going to make her weak."
It was one line; but it was enough to send his spine ramrod straight. This conversation wasn't a throwaway either. Moving back to the top of the page, where he'd begun to skim, he started reading.
"I am sorry for encouraging you to go to her. From everything you, Evan, and even Dad have said I really thought she must feel something for you too." Jacq spoke sincerely.
Dylan exhaled, trying to calm down when he was still so riled from his arguments with Bianca and Sabrina. "Honestly, I think she's too blinded by her feelings for Clark to even give what's between us a chance. I just don't understand how she doesn't see that Clark isn't good for her, that he'll never be there for her the way that she needs. He's this poison infecting her life and I can't believe she took him back-"
"Wait what?" Jacq interrupted, her voice quickly jumping an octave. "Bianca is back with Clark?"
"Guess I forgot to mention that part." Dylan replied, with a roll of his eyes.
Jacq exhaled into the phone, leaving only the sounds of their breathing for a few moments in time while her thoughts clicked together. When she spoke, her tone was uncertain. "How sure are you that it's her feelings for Clark getting in the way of something real between the two of you?"
Dylan didn't respond for a moment as he thought about Jacq's words. He knew what he felt for Bianca. And besides, Jacq was right, other people had seen the way they were around each other too. Thinking back to last spring, he hadn't been scared to kiss her, to be with her; well he had been, but not because he was afraid of rejection. No, he'd known she felt something for him too. It was only when Lex, with his crown, and Clark, with his emotional ties to her, got involved, that she pulled away.
"If you're sure. There is one way to make her see that Clark's always going to make her weak." Jacq spoke knowing she was cracking open Pandora's Box.
Exhaling Dylan nodded, knowing his sister couldn't see. "I'm sure. I'm sure she has real feelings for me too, feelings that she won't explore while she's still involved with Clark."
"Okay then." Jacq responded decidedly. "Well, you said she was on her way to meet with Alina Albright?"
Chuck didn't want to finish reading this scene; knowing now exactly what Dan had done. Though for the life of him he couldn't remember that post happening. Had he not even been concerned that their relationship had leaked? Rolling his eyes, he continued reading, if one thing was clear reading this, there was a hell of a lot he didn't commit to memory from that summer. Ironic considering it had previously stood in his memory as the most perfect summer of his life.
Revisionist history at its finest.
Brow furrowed Dylan responded; confusion evident in his voice. "Yeah, but what's that- "
Not letting him finish his thought, Jacq cut in. Dylan had all the necessary tools to be a schemer, he just took too long to get there. "Then it's easy, just post it to Bitch Buzz." Before Dylan could jump in again with more rambling thoughts, Jacq continued. "You know as well as I do Alina freaked the last time Clark and Bianca were together. You want to show her what being associated with Clark will really do to her? Tell everyone and let her watch the life she thinks she wants go up in flames, again. Then you'll know for sure, you both will."
Dylan swallowed tightly; his little sister might be an evil mastermind. The way her brain worked was so close to Bianca's it scared him. She was right, about all of it. If Alina found out about Bianca being back with Clark, the fence Bianca had told him was just recently mended would be broken. Still, doing that would hurt her and that wasn't something he was interested in doing. "I don't want to ruin her life."
"I get that, I do. But you wouldn't actually be doing anything. It's her decision to be with Clark and if people finding out about that ruins her life…well then that's his fault not yours." Jacq quickly responded, before exhaling and speaking with more measure. "Look Dylan, you should do what you think is the right thing. From where I'm sitting, sounds like Bianca's going to get hurt either way and the only thing you'd actually be doing is showing her that. I'm just highlighting a means to an end. But you should do what you think is right, whatever that means."
Dylan said a quick goodbye to his sister before letting his head fall into his hands, elbows resting on top of the table. His emotions were swirling within him, keeping him completely off kilter. Nothing felt aligned, his heart, his brain, his gut, all were out of whack. He was still so incredibly angry and heartbroken. On top of that, a strange almost self-righteousness seemed to be building within him. Did he want to do this - blow her cover with Clark? Could he bring himself to do it? Jacq wasn't wrong, the way he saw it Clark would hurt her no matter what. All he would be doing is showing her that…
And it wasn't like she and Clark could keep things a secret for much longer anyway. It would be on Bitch Buzz soon one way or another. He was just speeding up the process. Looking down at his phone, he started to type.
Chuck's eyes were glaring at the parchment before him, searching for the note he knew would be there. Turned out Dan wasn't quite as self-aggrandizing as he thought, ironic since being so fucking self-important was clearly what drove him to send in the post in the first place.
The fight with Blair, venting to Serena, that was child's play. Posting to Gossip Girl in an active attempt to tear Blair away from him, that was an act of war. Dan was right to want to be far away from him right now; in fact, he'd probably want to stay far away for a while, quite possibly forever, considering he'd been successful.
Chuck's frown deepened. Did Dan actually not leave a note? Flipping the page to see if it was on the other side his eyes widened in surprise. Dan had left a note alright, a fucking page long one.
I'm guessing if looks could kill this manuscript would be on fire right now. Am I right? I'm pretty confident I am.
Just like I'm confident you've had the thought – at least twice – that you might never want to speak to me again.
Pardon the jokes, it's because I'm nervous that a decision I made 4 years ago is about to cost me two of my best
friends. You're the only person other than Steph and Jenny that know what I did and before you ask, yes, Jenny
knows I told you, she thought it was overdue.
Chuck would have smirked if his jaw weren't clenched. He'd be surprised if Blair didn't at least suspect it was Dan who'd done it. She was too smart not to put it together. The only person who'd known they were back together was Dan, he'd known she was on her way to Anne's, he was angry, and he was just self-righteous enough to convince himself he was doing the right thing for her. And yet Blair had never said anything to Dan about it.
You should know that it was my decision to post to Gossip Girl; no one else's and I take full responsibility for
what I did. I know you've probably been reading through these chapters certain that I was over-reacting to my
role in this. As you can see now, I wasn't. I know I wasn't important enough to Blair for my words to actually
affect her and I didn't actually know the effect my words had on Serena for a few years. I did know what I was
doing when I posted to Gossip Girl; yet even now, I can feel myself wanting to say, it was just a stupid Gossip Girl
post, wanting to claim that it was harmless; I know it wasn't, I always knew.
I wish I could say that I was ignorant about the effect the post would have. I wish I could say that I had truly
believed that you were a poison that was destroying her. I wish I could say I was just trying to protect her from
making the same mistake again. I wish I could say I did it out of a misguided sense of nobility. Well, I think part
of me probably did think that; but I was lying to myself if I ever truly believed it. I'm not sure I did though.
I think I always knew that I was inconsequential to her, unimportant in the grand scheme of Blair's existence.
And that's where my anger came from. Anger that she refused to notice me that way, to even give us a chance.
More than that, I was angry with her for not feeling the way that I felt and angry at myself for wanting her to.
A part of me wanted to hurt her so she would feel as miserable and low as I did. So I sent out the blast knowing
she was with Anne and it would almost certainly send her life crashing down around her.
Chuck was still seeing red but something about what Dan had written was familiar to him in a way he wished it weren't. What he was feeling and how he'd lashed out wasn't so different from what Chuck had done their junior year. Chuck had been angry then too, for eerily similar reasons. He too had thought Blair was better off with him than with Nate, someone who didn't see her value; but he'd also wanted to punish her for not wanting him the way he wanted her.
I regretted it the moment I did it; but that regret grew every day along with the realization that I'd probably
never had the noble intentions I was posturing about earlier. That's when the guilt started eating at me.
Everyone always thought that my fight with Blair right before she left was what made me realize who I'd become;
you can probably surmise that had a lot more to do with my actions afterwards. I resolved to stop interfering in
her life, in everyone's. It was finding out that Serena had left our conversation and gone to talk to Blair that was
the impetus to write this book, this way. I just felt like I had to do something to fix what had happened. The more
I learned as I wrote, the more I saw that my choice changed the entire trajectory of her life and in turn yours.
I don't have any excuses for what I did. I'm not sure it would matter if I did. It was the most selfish thing I've ever
done and there's probably nothing in my life I've regretted more. All I can say is that I'm incredibly sorry to both
of you.
Chuck exhaled, eyes hard with a rage he didn't know how to process. He felt betrayed by someone he considered a friend. But as shitty as he felt right now, he knew something worse was coming. Sure, he'd become close friends with Dan, but most of that was post-Blair leaving. The real betrayal was still to come, the one from the last person he expected.
His fingers twitched wanting to skip straight to what Serena must have done, but he could see that the next section was once more from Bianca's point of view and even if he knew how this probably played out, he still needed to read it to understand where her head had been that day.
It was after all, the day she left.
The beginning of the committee meeting was uneventful aside from a few remarks the women made regarding Blair's broken engagement; most of them mentioning she was far too young to be engaged to begin with. From what he could tell Blair took that in stride, especially considering that they had been married at the time. She was a pro at the game. And not just managing the room. People thought planning events, running foundations, was nothing more than easy work for simple minded socialites and trophy wives. He knew better. And no one was better at that than Blair Waldorf. So even though he knew what was coming, he'd still delighted in watching her work her magic throughout the meeting, winning even her toughest critic in the room over. It was as he approached the end that he felt his unease beginning to settle in once more.
"Okay, for the final order of business, we have this year's fall fundraiser." Alina spoke with a smile directed across the room at the young woman she once thought would be her daughter-in-law. In truth, she still hoped for that now that the mess with the European Prince was done with. "I think it would be the perfect opportunity for our newest member to take the lead. I think through today's agenda she's proven more than capable. Bianca, what do you say to chairing your first event with us?"
She worked her hardest to school her face into the perfect Bianca Windsor mask, but she knew the excitement was probably visible. "I'd consider it an honor."
Alina smiled softly. "Wonderful. Should we finish up then with a bit of brainstorm?"
A charming smile on her face, Bianca leaned forward ever so slightly. "Well, if it's all the same to everyone I have an idea I'd love to run by you all first."
Several of the women smiled, many lifting their brows in surprise, others seemingly relieved that they might not have to toss around ideas for the next hour and could escape early.
"Of course!" Alina spoke, her smile just slightly tighter than before. It wasn't quite protocol, but Bianca was always just a little more direct than most, part of what made her such an asset to the foundation.
Reaching into her small purse, Bianca pulled out her notepad. She didn't think she'd need to reference it but didn't want to be digging through her bag to find it if she did. "I was thinking 'Elevated Bonfire'. We could rent out one of the Botanical Gardens and set up tenting or possibly a simulated outdoor experience. Have a true bonfire but smaller faux bonfires throughout the room with opportunities for deconstructed smores. Our drinks would be twists on apple cider and pumpkin for the season. And we'd provide lovely fur and flannel inspired blankets and shawls for the ladies."
It was as Bianca looked up from her notes to check the room that she saw the broad smile stretched across Alina's face; a rarity. Looking around the room she could see the clear approval and couldn't help the adrenaline that rushed through her. She was more than good at this, she was excellent. The joy and pride that seemed to pump through her veins was so…fulfilling. This was such a small thing and yet, to her it wasn't. It was validation that she could and would have it all. She struggled not to show the relief on her face. For the first time in months she truly felt like herself.
"I think it's safe to say, the room is in agreement." Alina spoke. "We'll meet again to further these discussions next week. In the meantime, feel free to reach out to whomever you need to pull onto your planning committee."
Nodding, Bianca closed her notebook, knowing now that she didn't need to go into further detail to win them over. She'd already done that whole heartedly. They never needed to know that she'd come into the meeting with the party almost fully envisioned.
She felt her phone buzz in her pocket as Alina wrapped the meeting and the women began to disperse but didn't bother to check it instead reaching for her bag. It was when she stood back up that she noticed that she wasn't the only one in the room with a phone to attend to. If she'd been with people her own age she'd have assumed a Bitch Buzz blast, but the women in this room had little to no awareness of that, thank god.
The sense of unease didn't hit her until their eyes did; eyes that were judgmental and cold. Something had changed, quickly. Brows tight, she wanted to reach for her phone, wanted to know if whatever her text had been could clue her in; but based on the looks she was now receiving only one thing could have happened. News that she and Clark were back together had officially gotten out. That would make sense, a Bitch Buzz blast would have triggered it, but then the dominos would have fallen as news quickly spread from child to sibling to parent, at least one of whom was in this room.
Her eyes flicked to Alina's, seeing clearly that judgement had already been passed. She would only have one chance to change Alina's mind and this was it. Walking quickly towards Nick's mom, she met her gaze head on and spoke seriously. "Can we speak privately?"
Alina lifted a brow, any sense of a smile gone from her face. "Certainly Bianca, though I'm not sure what that will do unless you can dispute the news I just heard."
Nodding Bianca followed Alina into the salon off the dining room where they'd been meeting. As Alina turned to face her, Bianca exhaled. "I'm assuming you all just found out that I've rekindled my relationship with Clark Banks."
Alina's eyes lit with a fire Bianca had never seen before, one that made her want to cower before the small woman.
"It's true then?" Alina asked, voice tight.
Bianca nodded. "Yes, following the end of my relationship with the Prince; Clark and I reconciled. I can assure you that I won't prevent that from reflecting on the foundation. We've come to an understanding about proper public image that will remain consistent."
Brow lifted Alina stepped forward. "You mean, you'll prevent yet another incident like the one that ruined last year's fall event? Or did you mean that there won't be another incident like the one at the consulate last spring?"
Bianca knew her cheeks had flamed but she couldn't quite find words. She'd been hoping she could proclaim that it had been an entire year since the incident at the fall gala but of course Alina knew what had happened at the consulate a few months ago. She didn't know what to say to that that didn't sound desperate.
Exhaling, Alina shook her head. "Bianca, you're a smart, talented young woman. And you are so much better than your association with Clark Banks merits you."
Frowning Bianca cut her off. "Clark is a very successful businessman and if you'll remember he's not just connected to me, he's connected to your son."
"Something I've tried to dissuade for years." Alina responded with a roll of her eyes. "I can see looking in your eyes that he's convinced you that he's different, that he's grown up. But I know Clark. He's new money, he didn't have the same standard of upbringing that you and Nick did, Bianca. He'll never learn the importance of decorum. His antics are entirely out of control. My foundation can't be connected to him now any more than it could be a year ago. Not even through you."
Bianca shook her head, indignation filling her voice even as she began to feel the panic set in. She couldn't lose this too. "I'll admit he's still growing up, but he's the CEO of a Fortune500 company at age 21. He's going to make some mistakes. But he's the love of my life and I fully intend to support and guide him. As I said before, I won't allow him to reflect badly on you."
Shaking her head slowly Alina took a step back. "I do wish you the best Bianca but take it from me; the men in your life will always define you. If you choose to stand by a man like Clark, all you'll ever be in 'this world' is his wife. Even your name, Bianca Windsor, will cease to have the power to maintain the place you want in society. There will be doors you can't open, choices that won't be yours to make. The power you've enjoyed until now, will be gone, no matter the talent you have to navigate our world."
"The foundation is already connected to Banks Industries, they're one of your largest donors, there is no separating yourself from Clark Banks." Bianca pressed her lips together fighting back the words she wanted to say all while holding back the sting of angry tears. Words weren't going to change Alina's mind.
"The foundation being connected with his company is one thing, a personal connection is quite another. I'm sorry, but while you continue to have any association with Clark Banks, you can't be associated with my foundation." Alina spoke before taking a step out of Bianca's path, so she could leave.
Forcing back the emotions raging through her, emotions that threated to make every muscle in her body shake, Bianca's mouth formed a thin line. "You're a hypocrite Mrs. Albright." She spoke with added emphasis on the Mrs. With that she decided the small scared woman in front of her wasn't worth any more of her time and marched quickly past her, to the elevator and out of her building.
His eyes narrowed. He wasn't even mad at the things that Anne had said about him; he was furious that she let anything about him effect Blair. Nate's mom really was a hypocrite. With everything that had happened with The Captain, how could she judge Blair for being with him? He might be a hedonist, but he was a far cry from embezzlement and fraud. Besides, he'd been forced to go to that event as Bass was a major Girls Inc. sponsor, he remembered the décor, Anne had used every one of Blair's ideas.
His gut told him that Anne's reaction to him had a lot more to do with the fact that Blair wasn't with Nate than it did anything else. To this day, Anne's distaste for Serena was only thinly veiled. She probably blamed Blair for that too. No, if he knew Anne, this was her not so subtle way of trying to push Blair back towards Nate, something that had been over by 2 years at this point.
And yet, he could see that this committee had practically been a lifeline for Blair. There was entirely too much thought in the proposal she'd crafted for the Fall Gala when she hadn't even known she'd be asked to chair it. Dan had knowingly taken that away from her.
His pulse started throbbing again. Dan might have sent a post to Gossip Girl, but there was one more domino that had to fall. Serena.
She'd left that meeting defending him and their relationship; she hadn't given up on them yet. She'd called him the love of her life, to Anne's face. Whatever Serena had said must have been what pushed her over the edge. Part of him was dying to know what it was that had made Blair decide that she couldn't fight for them anymore. The other part never wanted to know all the ways one of his best friends since childhood had sought to ruin his happiness. But not knowing wasn't a choice, not anymore.
Still fuming from her argument with Alina, Bianca's gait was single minded in nature as she walked quickly down 5th Avenue. How dare Alina of all people, judge her for her relationship choices? Especially after everything that had happened with Nick's dad. And especially now, when she barely even knew Clark anymore; she had no idea how much he'd changed, how devoted he was to Banks Industries. Maybe no one but her realized just how dedicated Clark was.
At that thought her anger quickly morphed into something much closer to disappointment. Of course, she wouldn't trade Clark for the approval of those inane housewives; but she'd really been looking forward to having an outlet for all of her energy, something that would pass the time until school started back.
More than that, she hated that Alina had put credence to her fear that while she lifted Clark up, he still brought her down. The twinge in her heart at that thought almost made her flinch. Alina was right, there were going to be doors that were shut to her, at least for a little while.
Bianca shook her head as though to brush off the thought, a determined look settling on her face. Sure, maybe with Clark by her side it would take longer but they would figure it out together and in the end it would all be worth it. People would eventually see that he wasn't the boy he used to be, and they'd show everyone what a powerful couple really looked like. And even if she never reached the same heights she might have otherwise, she didn't want the other option. She'd tried being alone and she'd tried being with someone else; in the end being with him was more important than all of it.
Pressure landed on both of her arms causing a scream to tear from Bianca's throat as she jumped, completely startled.
"B, calm down, it's just me." Sabrina spoke, steadying her best friend and guiding her towards the window side of the sidewalk, out of the way of the now curious onlookers.
Bianca blinked quickly as she exhaled. She'd been so lost in thought she hadn't even noticed her approach. "God S, you scared me half to death."
"I can see that." Sabrina spoke with a laugh. "I'm guessing you were lost in thought?"
Bianca couldn't help but groan. "It's just been a day. And you caught me off guard, I didn't realize you were back in town."
Crossing her arms, Sabrina smirked. "I could say the same thing about you, shouldn't you be somewhere in the Mediterranean with Lex?"
Lifting her hand to her forehead, Bianca could feel a tension headache coming in quick. There were so many things Sabrina didn't know yet and she knew from experience that she was going to get read the riot act for keeping so many secrets. Rather than dive in, she tried to divert. "So when'd you get back?"
Shaking her head, Sabrina lifted her eyebrows. "This morning, but don't think I'm going to let you off that easy B." She added quickly, knowing all too well what Bianca would try to do. "Why are you in New York? And where's Lex?"
"I have no idea where Lex is." Bianca started with the easy one before taking on the much more difficult question. "I ended things with him a couple months ago; honestly, it was only a few weeks after we left town." As she spoke, she noticed Sabrina didn't look surprised and found a frown sliding onto her lips. "But you already knew that didn't you?"
"I might have heard some things." Sabrina replied, her lips pressed into a thin line. "I'm supposed to be your best friend, want to tell me why the person I heard things from wasn't you?"
Bianca felt her eyes roll before she could stop them. "It's not like I told anyone. I was waiting until everyone got back into town."
Eyes betraying a bit of her internal battle Sabrina fought not to full on glare at her best friend. "But you told Dylan? You don't even like him."
Exhaling loudly Bianca looked up to see what street they were on. "Look, I know it's only noon but Mark Bar's around the corner, want to grab a drink and I'll tell you whatever you want to know?"
Shrugging Sabrina nodded her acquiescence before following Bianca into the brightly lit bar, taking a seat next to her in one of the booths. She didn't say anything as Bianca flagged the waitress and ordered a round of martini's and oysters. In fact, she didn't open her mouth until the drinks were at their table and it became clear that regardless of what Bianca had said on the street, if there were something she wanted to know, she would have to ask. Annoyed, she felt herself beginning to glare again. "So…Dylan."
Letting out a huff of air, Bianca waved her hand dismissively. She did not want to get into the many things that Dylan had said to her with Sabrina; but if he and Sabrina had already talked she might not have a choice. "Dylan practically accosted me outside my apartment this morning. I had no intention of telling him I was back either. I don't know how he even knew. Probably, his sister, somehow that little bitch is more aware of my comings and goings from upstate than people actually in the city." She spoke, knowing she was saying a lot of words that carried very little information.
Tilting her head, Sabrina listened to Bianca babble, recognizing immediately the game she was playing. "You and I both know that's not what I'm really asking."
Mirroring Sabrina's body language, Bianca tilted her head in return. "I don't know what you want me to say- "
"Bianca!" Sabrina cut her off. "Stop." Exhaling she shook her head. "I want you to tell me what Dylan was doing at your apartment at all; when you told me there was nothing going on between the two of you."
"Look, I'll tell you the same thing I told him this morning, not that that's any of your business." Bianca spoke, voice tight. "There's nothing going on between us. I would never risk our friendship by going behind your back with Dylan."
Sabrina could feel her nostrils flare as Bianca lied to her yet again. How could two of the most important people in her life do this to her? "You failed to mention that you two slept together."
Bianca knew then that she wasn't the only one who'd read Dylan's book; no matter how angry he was at her he wouldn't have revealed that on his own. That meant she wasn't the only one Violet had sent it to, though in Sabrina's case it was probably to knock her down a peg…at the moment she couldn't say she disagreed with the logic. "For god's sake Sabrina it was one time, it didn't mean anything, and with the way you reacted when you only thought we'd kissed I didn't see the point in making it worse."
Hot tears quickly stinging her eyes, Sabrina didn't know what to believe. She couldn't believe Bianca would sleep with Dylan because she had any semblance of feelings for him. Bianca had hated him, judged her incessantly for dating him. The only reason she could think Bianca would then sleep with him would be to hurt her. "It wasn't nothing to Dylan."
"I can't control how Dylan feels Sabrina. I thought he and I were on the same page. I thought we both understood that it was a mistake. I don't know what else to say." Bianca spoke with a shrug of her shoulders.
She wasn't sure what hurt worse, Bianca and Dylan going behind her book, Dylan's infatuation with her best friend, Bianca's likely intentions, or the fact that Bianca hadn't told her. Biting her lower lip to hold back her emotions, Sabrina asked words she didn't want to. "So what? You just lied about it?"
Exhaling Bianca shook her head. "There's a difference between lying about something vs not confessing that it happened. It didn't mean anything, and I didn't want to hurt you over something that was merely a blip, a misguided hormonal outburst. You were already doing enough to try to ruin my relationship with Lex; I didn't want to risk worse."
"Which is why you're not with him anymore either?" Sabrina spat with a roll of her eyes.
Bianca exhaled in frustration. "That's an entirely different story." She did not want to get into that right now.
Lifting her brows, Serena quickly responded, sarcasm dripping from her tone. "One I'm sure you were planning to tell me."
"S- "Bianca started.
"Why don't you just admit it? The reason you haven't told me any of this is because you've been toying with Dylan's emotions and you knew I wouldn't let you." Sabrina snapped, cutting her off. Dylan was the one person who was supposed to be hers and hers alone. "I mean how could you do that Bianca, it's Dylan we're talking about here. My Dylan."
Leaning forwards, Bianca could feel the panic that only came with a real Bianca/Sabrina blowout beginning to set in. "That is the furthest thing from what I'm doing. I thought I'd shut him down in the feelings department back when it was a stupid crush. If I had any idea how he really felt about me I would have been much clearer; I assure you I was this morning." She added as reassuringly as possible.
"You get that I've talked to him today, right?" Sabrina spoke, anger tinting her voice as jealousy pumped through her veins. How could Bianca not see what she was doing to Dylan? Who she was turning him into. "I don't think he got the message."
Scoffing in disbelief Bianca almost rolled her eyes. "I don't see how that's possible. I was brutal even for me."
Sabrina shook her head, almost feeling sorry for her friend. She wasn't sure if Bianca was just lying to herself or if she really had no idea. Her emotions were wreaking havoc on her brain. Bianca had pursued something with Dylan, knowing how much he meant to her. And for what? To take him from her? It had clearly worked, Bianca was the star of Dylan's book; he was head over heels for her and it was almost worse that Bianca didn't care at all. At least she'd felt something for Nate…right? The jealousy that was fueling her anger seemed to flare up stronger than ever. "He's in love with you Bianca and he thinks you have feelings for him too."
Huffing out a breath, Bianca placed a hand on her untouched drink, reaching instead for the olive stick, which she swirled in the glass. "Sabrina, I really don't know what else to say. I told him that I didn't feel that way and I was very clear about the fact that I'm with someone else."
"Oh that's right; back together with Clark already. I mean was that whole thing with Lex just a charade." Sabrina replied immediately, reaching forward to grasp her own drink. "You pretended to be so done with him and yet you were probably sleeping with him the entire time."
Frowning, Bianca lowered her voice. "You know I wasn't." Another lie of omission there. She had slept with Clark while she and Lex were together, but it had only been one time after a serious life or death situation. Dylan's book had finished before that, so she knew Sabrina wouldn't know if she lied. If Sabrina had one victory here, this would only get worse.
"I don't really know anything about you right now." She spoke, somewhat disgusted with her friend.
Well there went that theory…seemed like this was going to get worse all on its own. Bianca was quickly starting to think that holding off on telling everyone about her reunion with Clark was a very bad idea. "S, I'm sorry I didn't confide in you but it just didn't feel like something to say over text."
Eyes laser focused on Bianca, Sabrina took a quick sip on her martini. She couldn't read people quite the way Bianca could, but she did know Bianca; or at least she thought she did. Could the girl she knew be this petty? She'd always been insecure but jerking all of their friends around like this. It was wrong to be playing with their emotions; including her own. "It looks to me that you can't handle not having everyone's attention on you. Lex, Dylan, Clark…what are you secretly seeing Nick too?"
Holding her voice steady, Bianca tried to get through to her. "Sabrina, I'm with Clark. Only Clark." Pausing for a moment, she spoke softly. "I have been almost all summer."
"Yeah because that's such a wonderful idea." Sabrina spat, sarcasm once more coating her tongue.
Leaning forwards, Bianca tilted her head. "What is that supposed to mean?"
Narrowing her eyes, Sabrina's feelings wouldn't let her hold back. "You and Clark don't work, you never have."
Bianca didn't know where this was coming from. She thought Sabrina was mad at her about Dylan…now she was pissed about Clark? She knew that Sabrina had been supportive of her decision to choose Lex, in the end anyway, but she hardly expected this kind of push back from her best friend. She just had to make her understand. "I love him Sabrina. He's the love of my life. We were in Tuscany together most of the summer."
With the smallest shake of her head, Sabrina remembered what Dylan had said earlier. That Clark was already doing something that hurt her again. "But nothing's changed has it? How long were you back before he fucked up?" She saw by the look on Bianca's face that she'd hit on the truth, Dylan had been right. "And how much longer before he trades you for another hotel?"
Bianca felt her spine straighten in surprise. "He would never do that again." She spoke, voice serious.
"Bianca, he's never put you first, not once. It's only a matter of time before he does something unforgivable again." Sabrina replied, leaning back against the seat. "You're going to lose everything and when you do you'll regret ever having it. You'll never be able to find that kind of happiness again."
She could feel her breathing quicken. Why was Sabrina doing this? Couldn't she just be supportive for once? Things were hard enough right now, she needed her best friend to be there for her. The only thing she knew to do to convince her was to open her heart and let Sabrina see that she meant all of it. "Not being with him is the only thing I'd regret. I realized I'd made a mistake almost as soon as I'd left with Lex. Clark's the one I'm meant to be with, the one that I want to build a family with."
Sabrina's mouth twisted as she observed her friend, still running on the adrenaline of her mixture of emotions. "Oh yeah, I can see it now. Clark and Bianca getting married, Clark and Bianca having kids, Clark and Bianca growing old together." Shaking her head, her look was almost one of pity. "It's not going to happen Bianca. You're never going to grow out of the games. They're part of who you two are together."
Swallowing, Bianca could feel the stinging in her throat. She and Clark were not those people anymore. They'd changed. She knew they had. They both wanted to build a future together, a family. He wanted the white picket fence with her, she reminded herself; he wanted all of it and so did she. Forcing a strength to her voice that she didn't quite feel she leaned forwards. "That's not true. It's different this time. You'll see."
Rolling her eyes, Sabrina scoffed. "Okay keep telling yourself that."
"You don't know what you're talking about. Clark's grown up, he's changed." Bianca responded, her voice betraying her frustration and desperation. She had to make Sabrina understand. Even if no one else got it, Sabrina was her best friend, she had to. "The disaster of last spring was only because he thought he'd lose me, he knows now that he won't. We're eng- "
Sabrina interrupted, gaze cutting into her friend. "I'm not just talking about Clark here…You don't even realize what a child you are do you? Living in your stupid fairy tales." Shaking her head, she could feel all of her anger and jealousy blending into a rage she didn't know how to deal with; other than to just tell Bianca how she really felt. "Wake the fuck up Bianca. This will not end well, no matter what the two of you think right now."
"Excuse me." Jolting backwards in surprise, Bianca felt the color rushing to her cheeks. This wasn't just about Dylan or Clark, in fact it sounded like it didn't have anything to do with them at all. The person Sabrina was mad at was her.
"C'mon Bianca. I thought you wanted to be a powerful woman?" Sabrina replied slowly; again, thinking back to Dylan's words to her earlier and knowing he'd been right about all of it. Bianca was never going to grow up until she got away from Clark. "Yet you're crawling right back to him. You can't even see it can you? He's your safety net, he's where you go when you don't think you're strong enough to stand on your own. You got scared again with Lex and now here you are, back in NYC jerking all of them around again."
Everything in her body wanted to scream, every nerve felt like it was on fire and yet her body felt paralyzed. "That's not true"
"It is." Sabrina replied certainty in her words as the fire of her emotions rushed through her veins. "And every time it ends in destruction, not just for you but for everyone else. I mean look at us right now, and what you've done to Dylan and I'm sure Lex too. And you don't even care. You don't care that your stupid games effect all of us."
"What are you saying Sabrina?" Bianca managed, her body beginning to feel numb.
Sabrina leaned forwards, placing her forearms on the table. "I'm saying, that if you want to be strong, if you want to stand on your own two feet the best thing for you and for everyone else would be if you left NYC for a while. You had the right idea last spring, going to Europe with Lex."
Bianca met Sabrina's gaze head on, eyes searching for some indication that this was just another case of her feeling threatened and lashing out. But she couldn't read her gaze at all. "S, tell me you don't mean that."
"You were finally becoming something more with Lex. He brought out a side of you that was strong and confident." Sabrina replied, voice strong as her emotions found an outlet. "And now you're back with Clark and it's like that person you were becoming is just gone. In fact, I've never seen you so weak and insecure."
Bianca shook her head slowly. That didn't feel true. She'd given up so much to be with Clark this time; but she'd done it out of love, not weakness. It was taking more of her strength to hold them together than it ever had before. "I'm not insecure. I know who I am Sabrina and I'm stronger than I've ever been. I'm strong enough to risk everything to be with him."
Sabrina lifted an eyebrow, speaking quickly. "Does that make you strong or selfish?"
Again Bianca found herself shaking her head in disbelief. Her heart was breaking that Sabrina felt this way, that she couldn't see her side of this. Sabrina was the one person she thought would always be on her side. "You just don't get it. You don't get me. He's the most important thing in my life Sabrina."
"You're right, I don't even recognize you. Are you actually saying you're ready to throw your whole life away to be with a guy who'd never do the same for you?" Sabrina replied immediately. "Maybe you do love him; but maybe you shouldn't if loving him makes you a lesser version of yourself."
Bianca could feel the color draining from her face. A lesser version of herself…She fought against the desire to close her eyes and lost the battle. Her heart couldn't help but go to the place she'd been with each promise Clark had broken lately. The way that had made her feel. The weight of that darkness began to pull at her, the feelings of weakness, of heartache, of hopelessness becoming almost overwhelming. When she spoke she knew her words were quiet, weak. "And you think the answer to that is leaving New York? Aren't you the one who told me not to leave during Junior Year?" She added, opening her eyes as she finished.
"I'm sorry B, but I really do." Sabrina responded, seeing by Bianca's face that she wasn't wrong. "Staying here just keeps this incessant cycle spinning and destroying everything in its wake."
Eyebrows pulling together, Bianca shook her head. No she was stronger than that, her relationship with Clark was worth fighting through all of the other bullshit. "That's just running away." She replied, voice stronger than before.
Shaking her head, Sabrina felt cold; like the fire rushing through her veins had turned to ice. "Maybe it is running away but it doesn't mean you shouldn't do it."
Tilting her head to the side, Bianca's gaze narrowed, disbelieving sarcasm filling her voice. "So what I should leave for a month, a year, what Sabrina, forever?"
Pressing her lips together, Sabrina lifted her shoulders. "Maybe you shouldn't look back to count."
Head popping backwards, Bianca's eyes widened in shock. "You don't mean that."
Standing Sabrina felt stronger than she could ever remember feeling. Downing her martini, she threw a few 20s on the table and shrugged her shoulders. "Yeah, I think I do."
Bianca watched Sabrina walk from the bar, glancing down at the table; Sabrina's empty glass, the full plate of oysters, and her own drink untouched. Her gaze was still downward as her mind tried to navigate its way through that conversation, the whole day really. It felt like she was swimming through thick waters as she tried to comprehend everything that had been said.
What the fuck had just happened? She'd known they weren't going to be able to maintain the status quo from Italy and being back had been hard enough. But today…today was something else entirely. Could this day possibly get any worse? One friend lambasted her with a barrage of their feelings, the entire city found out she and Clark were back together jeopardizing her relationship with the foundation, and now her best friend was seriously telling her to leave, not just Clark but the whole city? Was this just a taste of what was to come from everyone else?
And worse than that, the things Sabrina had said…
You and Clark don't work, you never have.
He's never put you first, not once. It's only a matter of time before he does something unforgivable again. You're going to lose everything and when you do you'll regret ever having it. You'll never be able to find that kind of happiness again.
I can see it now. Clark and Bianca getting married, Clark and Bianca having kids, Clark and Bianca growing old together. It's not going to happen Bianca.
Nothing's changed though has it? How long were you back before he fucked up?
You don't even realize what a child you are do you? Living in your stupid fairy tales. Wake the fuck up Bianca. This will not end well, no matter what the two of you think right now.
You wanted to be a powerful woman? Yet you're crawling right back to him. You can't even see it can you? He's your safety net, he's where you go when you don't think you're strong enough to stand on your own.
And every time it ends in destruction, not just for you but for everyone else. I mean look at us right now.
Maybe it is running away but it doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.
Sabrina's words rushed through her brain; crashing in like waves against the beach during a storm. First Dylan, then Alina Albright and now even Sabrina was pissed at her? All for what? For getting back together with Clark? The hard part about coming back was supposed to be getting back to regular life, not having her friends attack her. This was all so ridiculous.
But if it was so ridiculous, why couldn't she breathe? Her pulse was loud, why was it so loud? It raced through her body, thrumming loudly against her chest and in her ears, distorting everything else. It was the only thing she could hear. She knew she needed to breathe, she knew what was happening, but her breath was coming in short shallow gasps, hands shaking, the noise of the bar completely drowned out as the edges of her vision began to close in. Her fingers and hands were beginning to tingle. She knew she needed to take a breath but her body wouldn't let her. Fighting for control, she grasped the edge of the table. Clark. She could call him; he'd fix this.
Nodding her head slowly, she fought to keep her breath steady as she reached for her phone. Hitting one on speed dial she brought the phone to her ear. "C'mon Clark answer." She spoke softly after two rings. The shaking in her hands worsening. After the third ring she cursed to herself, he was probably in a meeting. Hesitating only a moment after the beep, she left a voicemail; hopeful that the act of speaking might ease her heart rate, give her something to focus in on.
"Clark, it's me Bianca. I'm at Mark Bar on the Upper East. I know you're at work but if you could call me back. I think I'm having a panic attack and I just really need to hear your voice." She spoke, words shakily pulled from her lips as she did her best to focus in on what to say. "I love you. Just…call me back."
Dropping the phone into her lap, she tilted her head back against the booth. Doing her best to pull air in through her nose and out through her mouth, she closed her eyes and focused in on that sound; the swish of the inhale, the swoosh of the exhale. Once that felt steady, she focused on the feeling of oxygen as it moved through her, in through her nose, filling her lungs, pushing through her body and exiting over her lips. The tingling in her limbs began to dissipate, taking with it the throbbing of her pulse in her ears. Even as her heartrate slowed, her hands still shook. Reaching for her phone she looked down at the time, a frown slid across her lips as her brow furrowed. Sabrina had left more than twenty minutes ago.
She knew what had happened. A panic attack. She'd had enough control issues growing up that her psychologist had always been certain she was high risk; Dr. Sherman would probably be happy to be proven right. She'd been made aware of all the signs from a young age. But in that moment, she hadn't had any idea what was going on until she'd been able to focus in on Clark. That was when she'd realized what was happening.
Swallowing tightly she pulled a few bills from her wallet and added them to the ones Sabrina had thrown on the table. She was entirely too exhausted to process anything else right now. She needed to go home and wait for Clark to call her back. They'd figure all of this out, together.
Chuck exhaled, noticing his own hands shaking; with raw emotion or pure rage he wasn't sure. How could Serena have done that? She'd been so jealous of Blair that she so intentionally smashed through every single one of Blair's vulnerabilities without so much as a hesitation. And he knew that's what it was…jealousy. Serena had always needed to be the center of attention; it had made her completely crazed when Dan developed an interest in Blair.
That had only gotten worse when Serena read The Insider; placing Blair at the center of Dan's universe and Serena as a superfluous party girl that served only to grant Dan access to their world. He didn't have to look for a note from Dan to know that part of that fight was probably over whether or not Blair and Dan had slept together. Honestly, he didn't want to know what Dan had to say about this particular conversation. He knew his friend would try to transfer some of the blame off Serena and onto himself and he didn't care to hear it.
As much as it disgusted him thinking about it, if Dan had been so in love with Blair that he was professing it to Serena, he really had done what he'd done out of misguided feelings for Blair. Something Chuck himself had done before. Serena on the other hand…she'd said those things only because she was envious of what Blair had. Serena and Blair had their fair share of blowups – some worse than others – but this one felt different. It felt, intentional.
He was sure that Serena was self-centered enough to believe that Blair developed a relationship with Dan as a way to take something from her. Serena thought everything had something to do with her. Which explained some of the misguided anger. But, his gut told him that Serena had been so mad that there were feelings – even unrequited ones – between Blair and Dan that she'd wanted to hurt Blair however she could. Her words were too vindictive, too certain, preying on the worst insecurities Blair had ever had. And clearly, she'd wanted Blair out of the picture, far away from Dan. There was no excuse Chuck could think of for that.
This time he was the one feeling the blood boiling in his veins. Of course, Serena had lied about being back in the city when Blair left. She knew what she'd done. More than that she knew that once Chuck found out about it, he'd do more than stop speaking to her; he'd make her pay for taking Blair away from him. She'd told her to fucking leave town. The fire shooting through him was so intense in that moment that his vision darkened to red. Squeezing his eyes shut he exhaled, realizing he'd been holding his breath.
Inhaling deeply, he shook his head. He'd confront Serena later; that wasn't actually the most important thing at the moment. This was still the early afternoon. Blair had left in the early morning hours. He'd seen her that night. Looking back at the text after Serena had left her in the bar, his gut clenched.
The panic attack. The voicemail. Fuck, yet another way he'd failed her.
That wasn't Blair's first panic attack. They'd started after the miscarriage. She had one the night of the blackout; the night he had proposed. And a couple while they were in Tuscany. With the stress he'd been putting her under he was a little surprised they hadn't been more frequent. Maybe they had, and she just hadn't told him?
Dan must have thought her retelling of a panic attack that day was glib. It was clear he'd embellished that it was her "first." Deciding to look for Dan's note, wondering if maybe it was more about Blair than Serena, he flipped back a page, immediately spotting it.
I won't bother telling you not to be too hard on Serena. I know you too
well to do that. So, does she. And you're too smart not to see straight
through the intentions of everyone involved. Blair has read this part.
Her only comment was that she hadn't recognized at the time that
Serena had been jealous. She hadn't seen Serena's misplaced rage that
day, she'd trusted that her friend was in fact trying to look out for her.
She'd kill me if I ever told THAT to Serena.
And yes, I do know that that wasn't her first panic attack. It was just the
first one that had a place in the book. There were a couple of journals Blair
didn't give me. I didn't have anything from when she left with Louis until part
of the way through your trip to Italy and I didn't have the one from right
after she left, I'm guessing the reason for the panic attacks is somewhere in
there. I couldn't figure out a cause for them before that moment…I'll leave
that much to the two of you.
Rolling his eyes Chuck shook his head. He'd surmised most of that on his own. It didn't make him feel any less angry to know that Blair's judgement had been so clouded because of him that she hadn't recognized Serena's motivation at the time. She'd taken what Serena was saying as how her friend really felt.
At the same time, he could read through Dan's last comment. He hadn't asked but there was a question in the air as to why Chuck hadn't answered her call when he knew she'd been having panic attacks. Of why he didn't call her back.
He knew this book was singularly from Blair's POV and in some ways that did more for him that the full scope of their story ever could.
Right now, he didn't care about what he had or hadn't done and why. He cared about what drove her to leave him.
And for the first time he was beginning to understand.
I have trouble with Serena's character…I ALWAYS have. I've never understood how someone could stand up on a soapbox and be all better than everyone else considering how unbelievably self-centered she was. Really she spent both season 4 and season 5 trying to ruin Blair's relationships out of jealousy when really she was the one constantly taking things from Blair…I just ugh. Anyway enough about Serena. I hope Blair's initial departure is beginning to make sense for all of you. I'll admit there's still a couple more pieces that have to fall into place…even with as bad of a day as Blair had that day her decision wasn't quite made yet.
Reviews are love.
xoxo kate