Hi friends – so I have good news and I have bad news. The good news, I have a new chapter for you! And I have the next 4-5 after this one written. I also have a fun new job at an e-comm start up! Which leads me to the bad news, said job is seriously monopolizing my time. Even finding time to post this chapter was challenging.
I'm going to try to devote at least a couple of hours of week to writing but truth be told I'm a little exhausted right now so I'm also trying to be realistic. That said I'm going to stretch/spread these next few chapters out a bit in the hopes that a) work eases up a bit and b) I do start to find time to write.
One fun fact about this chapter, I wrote most of it at the Starbucks at the bottom of the Empire Hotel without realizing it. To those of you who don't like me turning Blair into a song writer in this fic, apologies in advance because I lean in pretty heavily to that idea here.
Songs/Playlist for this chapter: Say Something - A Great Big World, We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off - Ella Eyre, Million Reasons - Lady Gaga, Untitled - Bibi Bourelly, River of Tears - Alessia Cara, Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley (though I listened to the Lindsey Stirling version more), and Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie. These have all been on my writing playlist for this fanfic for quite some time; two of them as cornerstones of big moments: Say Something and Big Girls Don't Cry. Then the moment I heard River of Tears the first time (thanks Grey's Anatomy) the scene I used it for started writing itself in my brain.
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Rating: T BUT there's another M scene in this chapter right after the first song – just a heads up!
To my beta kosoul7 – you're the best 3
Chapter 30:
He'd Destroy Cities, But She'd Destroy Herself
Rolling his neck, Chuck tried to stretch out the knot he felt forming. He typically spent a lot more time in meetings, and a lot less time reading these days. As it stood, he'd been reading for almost 6 hours already. Reaching for the bottle of bourbon his assistant had brought in earlier, he poured himself a glass. With the direction this was going, he needed something to settle his nerves.
As he turned the page, he saw another note from Dan; something about the way it was scribbled made him think Dan had added this last minute. Curiosity and maybe some desire to delay the inevitable just a moment longer sent his eyes there first.
She wrote a song that day. It's actually where I got the idea for the second
book title. It's called River of Tears. I think she would be mad at me for
telling you this. According to her journal, she didn't think that the song was
fair to you; but I thought it might help you with her emotional headspace.
If you check your phone I sent you a link to a Spotify playlist. Yes, she
wrote them. No, I'm not sure if she knows that I know that. Yes, I'm
absolutely positive she would be mad at me telling you.
Chuck froze for a moment. Some of the songs that Blair had written were on Spotify. How?
Even as he thought it he realized that he should have known a long time ago. He'd heard that Maroon 5 song One More Night and his gut had told him it was the same the song Blair wrote during her sophomore year at Columbia; but he had looked up who wrote that. It hadn't been her. Unless…she used a pseudonym.
He thought about continuing to read, but the itch was too strong, he needed to know. Reaching into his drawer he pulled out the Mac he kept at the office. Opening it, he clicked on Messages, ignoring the messages from anyone else. Clicking on Dan's message – just the playlist link – he quickly clicked through and pressed download. Not really taking the time to view it.
Clicking back to Dan's message while he waited, he couldn't resist typing a quick response.
You were right not to want to be near me.
Chuck was surprised to immediately see the "…" that meant Dan was typing.
I get that. I am so sorry.
Making quick progress I see.
Chuck pressed his lips together, finding that he'd wanted to clarify his last statement.
FTR, it's a lot more to do with the
fact that if you'd told me I wouldn't
have understood. Reading it, I get it.
I'm still furious. But I get it.
The reply was almost instantaneous.
Thank you. I don't deserve it. But
thanks.
I'm guessing you're here for the
playlist.
It was weird to think about Dan knowing the exact thing he was experiencing right now. Weirder considering that Dan had always been the key to knowing why Blair left, yet he had been the one-person Chuck hadn't thought to badger.
You guessed correctly.
Once it downloads I'm going back
offline.
This time it took a little longer for Dan to respond. The … lasting for several minutes.
She's going to be furious that I
showed you. Even more because
she'll feel like they are out of
context. I don't think you'll be mad
at her for doing it but if you are
maybe start by asking her about
them first. She wrote in one of her
journals that she was afraid you
would feel used. I think you know
that's not what writing songs was
ever about for her; but just think
before you attack her.
Blinking Chuck's head tilted in confusion. Attack Blair? That was the furthest thing from his brain right now. What was in these songs that Humphrey thought might be an issue? It was strange to him to think that she'd sold them to someone. Songwriting was like journaling for her, it was intensely personal. And Blair certainly never needed the money. So the why was a question, unless it had been in hopes that he would know it was her; but that didn't feel right either. That was one story he'd need to get eventually but for now it didn't matter.
Typing quickly, he knew he needed to get back to reading. He was wasting time. But there was one thing he needed to know.
The song you mentioned earlier
The one she was writing and didn't
finish. Is it on the list?
It meant something for Blair not to finish a song. He needed to know.
There are several from that summer.
I don't always know when she wrote
what. And she never finished it in her
song book, but I think so. There's one
that uses some of the same feelings
and words.
It's called Say Something.
Chuck froze. He didn't need to listen to that song to know it. Or to know that Dan was right. He could see the words in front of him again; words Dan said came from her journal as the song seemed to play in his ears.
And I, am feeling so small, it was over my head, I know nothing at all.
And I, will stumble and fall. I'm still learning to love, just starting to crawl.
Say something, I'm giving up on you. I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere I would have followed you. Say something I'm giving up on you.
And I, will swallow my pride, you're the one that I love, and I'm saying goodbye.
His entire stomach clenched tightly once more. She'd been so miserable. He'd made her so miserable. He was her husband and being with him, had caused her this much pain. He knew it was time, he had to see this through to the end.
Flipping off the wifi on his computer, he clicked back to the Spotify playlist. The length was shocking. He'd expected a few songs, not 30. Refusing to let himself dwell on that, his eyes found Say Something and dropped from there down to River of Tears – there were big name artists on this list.
Say Something - A Great Big World
We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off - Ella Eyre
Million Reasons - Lady Gaga
Untitled - Bibi Bourelly
River of Tears - Alessia Cara
He knew these songs. Well not the last two, but he knew the other 3. Finger hovering over the last one he tried to remind himself what Dan had said. Particularly this song she felt was unfair to him. But if what he said earlier was still true…it was better that way, he needed to understand what she was thinking when she left if he were ever going to move past this hatred he'd been holding onto.
Taking a deep breath, he tried his best to center himself, he knew what was next. She was going to leave and no matter how much he dreaded reading it, he knew it was going to happen. Clicking on the song, he put it on repeat and continued reading.
Bianca frowned at the ceiling. Returning to The Hotel, she'd had every intention of lying down in bed and taking a nap, but she hadn't made it that far.
The moment she'd walked in she saw the scratches she'd made a few weeks ago on the pool table. The replacement wasn't there yet.
Walking forwards, she placed a hand on the scratches. They really were impossibly long considering her hands had been wrapped by his belt. Her fingers traced the tracks her nails had created; remembering the moment so clearly. Her nails had been digging into the table, like they were trying to grasp onto something to keep her there.
Not there in the moment but there, period.
She wanted this, wanted to be here but it was taking all of her strength to hold on.
Still got the flowers that you sent
And the note you wrote that said
That we're meant to be forever
Exhaling she found herself placing her head down on the felt. It was cold.
It felt nice, rough against her cheek, almost like Clark's five o'clock shadow.
She was so tired; the panic attack earlier had taken so much out of her. Her nerves still felt so frayed. Glancing down at her phone, she wondered for only a moment why Clark still hadn't called back. And didn't they have a dinner party or something they were supposed to go to tonight? But then the exhaustion took over and she couldn't bring herself to care.
I keep them all as evidence
In a drawer under the mirror
Filled with empty promises
Standing up, once more intending to go to bed, she realized she didn't have the energy. So instead she lay back down on the table.
It didn't matter, he was going to replace it anyway.
For some reason that thought made her heart sink. She felt a strange sense of comradery with the pool table. Would she be that easy to replace?
I don't know why
I keep letting you lie to me
Hard as I try
It seems I can't break away
No, she wasn't leaving. And she couldn't be replaced, not for Clark. Just like he couldn't be replaced for her. They were meant to be together.
They didn't have to be powerful on their own; they would build their futures together. Right now it was just his turn.
Exhaling, she felt an odd shake in her lungs. It was almost as though she'd been sobbing. She hadn't, right? No. She hadn't cried today.
She felt like crying now though.
She was pretty sure she didn't have the energy for that.
I thought that you would be the hero
Come and save the day
But you're a villain
Your sins unforgiven
Looking back up she nodded. The lights were dim. She knew that was a setting, but she didn't remember doing that when she got in. It must have been one of the staff. Pressing her head backwards she shifted herself even further onto the table, stretching out her legs in front of her.
She closed her eyes for a moment, focusing again on her breathing. Today had been singularly terrible. Nothing good had happened. Not one thing.
Was this her fault? She had been so sure about her relationship with Clark but everyone else was sure too and they didn't agree.
I'm going down, and you have watched me drown
In a river of tears, lost beneath the stream
Dylan, she understood. She'd misread that completely but at least she knew he was acting out because he cared for her and she didn't reciprocate.
And honestly, she'd expected what she'd gotten from Nick's mom. Sure, part of her thought she'd be able to convince her otherwise with her stellar ideas, but her issues with Clark were longstanding and well documented. That was always a risk.
What she still couldn't make sense of was Sabrina. Whatever was going on in her life, she and Sabrina might have a moment of disagreement, but she always came around. Today was different though. The things Sabrina had been saying had hit a little too close to home.
More than that, it was the persistent echo throughout the day. Everyone seemed to agree that going back to Clark was the wrong thing for her.
Under the waves, I've found the strength to say
The river of tears has washed me clean
None of them wanted the same thing. Truly it seemed they all wanted her with someone different. Dylan thought she should pick him, Alina probably wanted her back with Nick, and Sabrina clearly felt she shouldn't have left Lex. The only thing they all seemed to agree on was that Clark was bad for her and she was weak for being with him.
Before the summer started she, would have agreed with all of them; but hadn't he managed to prove himself? He'd been there for her this summer when no one else had. And they'd built something much too strong for it to be torn apart by people who thought they knew what was right for her better than she knew herself.
They were wrong though, they had to be.
Go 'head and wish me well
I'll cry a wishing well
I'll fly before I fail
I'll set sail and drift away
And yet at the tip of her heart she felt a tightness, a clenching. Maybe they weren't wrong. Of course she wanted them to be, but maybe, they weren't. The tugging in her chest was so strong. But she loved Clark. She loved him so much that she didn't even care if they were right.
At that thought her chest clenched so tightly that she had to gasp for air. Propping herself up on her elbows, she took another staggered breath. No, she couldn't let her mind go there.
They weren't right. They weren't.
But what if they were.
So I won't need you here
Love sinks and hope floats
In a river of tears
In a river of tears
Her mind floated again to that night on this very pool table. Squeezing her eyes closed she felt the tightening in her throat before she felt the stinging behind her eyelids.
Pathetic.
Once more that word was surfacing to the forefront of her brain.
I catch your scent in every wind
And I recall the love we had
I can't pretend
She thought she hid it well, the person that this relationship was making her. She thought that she just needed to hold it together for a little while longer, keep her anxiety to herself, and then they'd be ready to take on the world together. But things weren't improving. They'd been home for months now. And now, their friends were back too. Friends that apparently saw right though her. She couldn't fool them and they were already certain that there wasn't a "better" for her and Clark.
Oh fuck.
She could feel it again, the rising panic. Collapsing back onto the pool table, this time she focused on her breathing from the onset and it slowed before it could send her over the edge again.
That I don't miss you every now and then
But the hurt is for the bette]
Moving on, it's now or never
What was she doing? She was Bianca fucking Windsor. She didn't let anyone dictate who she was. Not Alina Albright, not Dylan Hunter, not Sabrina, not even Clark.
Air seemed to flush from her lungs as her abs tightened.
Not even Clark.
Lost in the tide, I can't keep my pillows dry
Like there's a sea in my eyes
I realize that sometimes
It was true. She was becoming someone else for him. She was helping him succeed and that was fine. But as she did, the core of who she was, was starting to fade away.
The problem wasn't that she was becoming someone new; as troubling as that was. The problem was that she loved him so much that she didn't care if she lost herself.
Oh my God.
This was it. She'd hit the end of the road her brain had been traversing. There wasn't more to understand or know. Her friends' opinions were irrelevant. All that mattered was her and Clark. And yet…as much as she loved him…
Love brings you flowers
Then it builds you coffins
And far too often
We end up falling to our demise
She'd always known it was too much. That the way that they felt about each other would bring them to do so many things they shouldn't.
She had no doubt he'd destroy cities for her.
But she'd destroy herself.
I'm going down, and you have watched me drown
In a river of tears, lost beneath the stream
Exhaling now, she felt the shake of her breath so profoundly that her ribs lifted from the table.
This wasn't about Sabrina, or Dylan, or Alina, or anyone else.
It was about her. She was never going to become who she wanted to be if she stayed. And that was her fault and hers alone.
Under the waves, I've found the strength to say
The river of tears has washed me clean
She loved him.
She loved him with every piece of herself.
And because of that she would let every piece of herself slip away.
Go 'head and wish me well
I'll cry a wishing well
I'll fly before I fail
I'll set sail and drift away
The first tear that fell was alarming. It came so quickly and dropped from the corner of her eye down to the felt of the pool table so fast that she didn't even know it was coming before it was gone.
"Oh." She whispered, her voice so light.
The second was slower, it's fall more measured. With it, her hand came up to her mouth.
The third followed closely behind.
So I won't need you here
Love sinks and hope floats
In a river of tears
In a river of tears
From there she didn't bother to react to them. She let them fall, let the tears drop quickly and quietly as she mourned something she hadn't even lost yet.
She didn't know if that was herself, or Clark; but she knew it was only a matter of time, minutes really before that became clear.
She had to choose.
Either lose him or lose herself.
Cry me a river, build myself a bridge
I'm over this, can't let memories become the death of me
At that the tears fell in earnest.
Head tilted all the way back she shut down her brain for once in her life and focused on her heart, fuck, focused on her soul.
She didn't know if she could survive without him. Leaving Clark would be like tearing her heart out of her chest.
But she knew that Bianca Windsor wouldn't survive with him.
I'm glad to see everything that you are
And I believe that you are everything I needed
But I don't need no more
They were all wrong.
It would take so much strength to stay.
But it was going to take more to leave.
I'm going down, and you have watched me drown
In a river of tears, lost beneath the stream
She felt the moment she made her decision. Every nerve ending in her body seemed to light up in pain.
Her back arched off the table as one last sob tore from her chest.
This was it. This was the end.
Under the waves, I've found the strength to say
The river of tears has washed me clean
She wasn't sure when she did actually move to the bed. To be honest, she didn't remember it happening, she just knew she was there now. She almost laughed when she realized her shoes were still on her feet. That was unusual.
Maybe this all had something to do with the bottle of scotch sitting on the bedside table, one that was halfway to empty. She had done that. That wasn't good though.
Go 'head and wish me well
I'll cry a wishing well
I'll fly before I fail
I'll set sail and drift away
Her heart was broken, shattered really. She knew this was the right thing, for her. She wouldn't lie and say, it wasn't a choice. It was a choice, and she was choosing herself. She had to choose herself.
So she'd used the scotch to numb herself just enough to hold her heart together. If tonight was all she could have with him – and it had to be if she were going to be strong enough to walk away – then she was going to give him every piece of her.
But no more scotch, it had served its purpose, but she needed to remember this. She couldn't let the last time she made love to him feel like a faded blur.
So I won't need you here
Love sinks and hope floats
And that's what this would be, the last time.
That in and of itself felt like a lie.
She couldn't stop loving him.
In a river of tears
In a river of tears
How could this be the last? But she knew…she knew that it had to be. She had to learn not to need him. To need herself instead.
"Bianca?" Clark spoke, confusion filling his voice as he walked into their bedroom. She was sprawled across the bed, arms and legs flung to opposite corners, completely dressed.
She didn't lift her head as Clark walked into the room. What would she even say? She didn't want to say anything. She just wanted to be with him, one last time.
"Are you okay? I just got your message." He continued, walking into the room and placing a hand on her thigh. He thought they were meeting at the office for a dinner party; when she hadn't arrived, he'd checked his phone and heard her message. As soon as he had he'd canceled their plans and come straight here. He'd seen the bottle of scotch on the bedside table and knew better than to comment. She'd needed him, and he hadn't been there for her, again. He didn't get to have an opinion on how she dealt with that. All he could do now was make sure that she was okay. "What happened?"
Turning her head to face him, Bianca met his gaze and smiled. That look, that was hers alone. She'd never seen him look at another woman that way. He loved her so much. She didn't want to taint their last night with a retelling of literally the worst day. "I'm sorry. I was just being dramatic. I'm fine."
No. She wanted this just for them.
"You sure?" He asked, his voice soft.
Her heart warmed at his words. In many ways those words were the beginning. Now they got to be the end too. That was kind of poetic. "Clark, make love to me." She spoke, words calm and certain.
Seeing that look in her eye, the one that pulled him in even at his darkest, he leaned forwards and pressed a kiss to her lips. Her hand reached up and wrapped around his neck, her fingers tangling in his hair as she pulled him to her.
Falling backwards, she brought his mouth with hers, exhaling as her head hit the pillow. His hands roamed from her head down her sides, one landing on her waist the other on her upper thigh.
As her head tilted backwards his mouth worked its way down from her lips, to her jaw, all the way down her neck; growling at the way she arched into him. Kissing his way down her collar bone, his fingers moved up to make quick work of the buttons down the front of her dress. His lips followed quickly behind his fingers, placing kisses on each patch of newly bared skin as he proceeded.
Unclasping her bra, he kissed between her breasts, moving to her nipples. Taking one bud in his mouth he flicked it lightly with his tongue, smiling to himself as it hardened in his mouth. He gave the other the same treatment before continuing his journey over her soft stomach, glancing up at her as he placed a kiss right on her navel before moving his mouth even lower.
Bianca gasped again, reaching over her head for the bedframe as Clark's head dipped lower. It was amazing what this man could do with his mouth; within minutes her thighs were clamping tightly around his head as she writhed in ecstasy, screaming his name, screaming how much she fucking loved him.
Reaching down she grasped his head and pulled him back up her body glad this time to have use of her hands. He paused there, staring down at her, completely enraptured. Her expression was breathtakingly vulnerable.
Once he was within her range, she reached down with her other hand, working her way through his belt and past his zipper to grasp him in her hand.
Lifting his hand, he stroked her face gently, as many times as they'd been together, he wasn't sure he'd ever seen this look in her eyes. Tracing the lines of her face, his thumb ran across her lips. Surprise ran through him as her tongue shot out and licked the tip of his finger. "Bianca…" Her name was almost a sigh on his lips.
The look in his eyes…the only word she could think to describe it was reverent. Before he could finish in her hand, she felt his arms wrap around her, lifting her off the bed to pull off the rest of her clothing, leaving her bare before him; before making quick work of his own.
As he returned to her she reached up a hand, placing it on his chest. Communicating with her eyes that he could slow down. When she saw the smallest frown on his face she lifted her head, placing a soft kiss on his lips before moving to look him in the eyes. "We have all night." She was careful not to promise more than that.
Pulling him back onto the bed, she rolled over, pressing him onto the sheets. She let her hands wander, exploring every inch of his body; almost as though looking for anything she'd yet to find or see.
Clark shivered at her touch, her hands, her lips, the brush of her cheek or thigh against him. His entire body felt electrified with something bigger than lust. And every time her eyes connected with his, he saw it again. The look that made his entire body light up with a warmth that he couldn't quite name. It felt bigger than love.
This time when he lifted her and flipped her onto her back she let him, content that she'd traced every inch of skin on his body, she'd meant to, to memorize it. Both of her hands came up to grasp his face; seeing herself reflected in his gaze; even deeper than that, she seemed to see right into his soul. "I love you." She spoke as he positioned himself between her thighs, gaze never once breaking. "Always." She added as he slid into her.
Sinking within her Clark felt his heart pound so loudly that his entire body seemed to pulse. He was fairly certain he hadn't blinked, couldn't even if he wanted to. "I…love…you." He spoke, words coming in time with the pounding of his heart. She owned him, every shred of his soul, of who he was as a man, was hers.
She tilted her head upwards and kissed him, drawing him into her. As he pushed in to the hilt, she wrapped her lithe legs around his torso. He continued slowly moving in and out of her, she wanted this moment, this feeling of being with him to last forever. Gasping against his mouth she felt something like a cry escape her throat and moved her mouth to his neck. Pressing her lips again to that place where his shoulder and neck met. Her spot.
There was nothing like the feeling of rightness of being inside her, Clark thought, his every movement an effort to worship her. The sensation so strong that he couldn't even hold his eyes open, the feel of her completely overwhelming him as her teeth grazed his shoulder.
Pulling his head back just slightly, his eyes sought hers once more. As they connected, time seemed to stop, the sounds of their love making becoming a dull hum in the background. All he could see was her.
Looking into his gaze, Bianca felt an intense hammering beginning in her heart, she wasn't going to look away, she wasn't going to miss one moment of this. Time wasn't an object as they moved together, neither able to break away.
Her hips rocketed to his and he couldn't get over the feeling that this felt different, it felt new, as though they'd never been together before.
Gasping as she grasped his shoulders, back arching as her release crested, one tear sliding from her eyes.
As soon as he felt her clench inside him, Clark lost any shred of control he had remaining, and with one thrust found his own release. Fighting through it to keep his eyes locked onto hers. As his body shook he let his forehead rest on hers; eyes still locked. Resting there, their sweat mingling he smiled slowly. "Hi."
One more tear fell as she reached up and brought her hand to the side of his face, a light laugh rumbling in her chest. She never wanted to forget the way he was looking at her in that moment. "Hi."
With one last look into his eyes, she pulled his head to her neck, stroking his damp hair, feeling his breathing even out and grow deeper with sleep.
Exhaling shakily, she held him there against her, her hands continuing to gently stroke and soothe him against her. Holding on for a few more moments she allowed her heart to wrap around him, committing this to memory one last time. "Goodbye Clark." She whispered, her voice no more than air breathing against the skin of his neck.
Slowly, carefully, she extracted herself. Moving quickly to the closet she threw on clothes and grabbed the small go-bag she'd prepared earlier. She'd either send for the rest or buy new clothes.
Returning to the bed, she looked down at his sleeping form, hesitating by the nightstand. She hated this, leaving without a word. But she couldn't leave a note, not now. She needed to leave now, or she wouldn't; she'd send him a letter after, something to explain.
Reaching around her neck she carefully unclasped her necklace, the one that had been holding on to her engagement ring until they were ready to tell everyone. Laying it on the nightstand, she allowed herself one last lingering look at Clark. Her fingers ached to touch him one last time, but she couldn't risk waking him.
Taking a deep breath, she snatched the go-bag from the floor and walked quickly from the room, leaving her room key sitting in its place by the front door. She didn't look back as she got in the elevator, as she walked through the lobby, or as she climbed into the car waiting for her just around the edge of the block.
With a quick nod at the driver the car started its way, he knew his way to the chopper she'd arranged to take her to Teterboro.
Picking up her phone she checked the time. 3:30am. Perfect. Dialing quickly, she placed the phone to her ear. Surprised at how steady her fingers were.
"Daddy sorry to call during working hours but I'm on my way for a visit." She listened to her father's excitement for only a moment before cutting in again. Glad that he and his husband were still at the new vacation house on Lake Como, something she hadn't had the chance to tell Clark.
"And Daddy, I need a favor. Is your friend still the President at Duke?" She knew he'd give her anything. A transfer considering her college transcripts…that was nothing. "Could you make a call?"
She could hear the worry in his voice but ignored it. If she let herself break now she might not get on the plane. "I promise I'm fine and I'll explain everything when I get there. But if Clark calls…you haven't talked me, okay?"
Chuck felt his nostrils flare. Memory of that night flooded his brain. He'd known at the time that something was different. He thought they were falling even more deeply in love; that connection between them was so strong that night. He hadn't realized that what she was doing was saying goodbye.
His heart twisted in his chest. Maybe that's why he hadn't suspected the next morning when she hadn't been there, why his eyes had glazed over the necklace she'd left behind. Dan of course was wrong about the ring. Her engagement ring had actually been at Harry Winston's, the setting having come loose. What she'd left on that necklace was her wedding band. He rolled his shoulders wondering for a moment if he would have noticed the sparkle of a diamond instead.
He doubted Dan had his reaction in this book. Doubted that his friend knew it was almost 24 hours before he realized that she'd left town. It was when he found the necklace almost a day after that, that he realized she hadn't just left town, she'd left him. But his confidence in their relationship had been entirely too strong for that to hold for long. Part of him had thought she was acting out, wanted him to chase her down. It had been easy to track her to Paris via a commercial flight, business class of course. He'd been so sure it was just a game to win his attention that he'd methodically followed the first thing his PI had found. He never would have dreamed that she didn't expect him to track her down. That's why he'd immediately placed the chain with her wedding band on it around his own neck; where it had stayed until he put it back on her finger in the Hamptons. Strange, he had no idea where it was now.
He'd been shocked when he'd arrived and found that not only was she not at her father's house but that he wasn't even there. When he'd gone to Eleanor she'd scoffed in his face, saying she hadn't spoken to Blair in weeks. That was when the all-consuming panic took over.
He hadn't even checked private; never thought that the Paris flight might have been a rouse. But if she'd flown out of Teterboro it clearly was. He'd never known that she'd gone to Lake Como, didn't even know her father had a house there. He couldn't help but think that it all felt organized, planned out; a private jet to a house her family owned that he knew nothing about? But he knew it wasn't, it was clear from Dan's book that the decision had been spontaneous.
Thinking back to her decision he exhaled; River of Tears was still playing from his laptop. He got why she might say it was unfair to him. He was entirely sure it wasn't unfair at all. Her leaving…she might have thought she had a choice, but it didn't sound like that to him. It sounded like he'd been drowning her, sucking out every part of who she was, and he hadn't even known he was doing it. There was one more truth, one she hadn't exactly been straight with him on. She'd always said she left because she was scared. But she'd always said it was because she was scared of knowing what she wanted for the rest of her life when she was 17. This wasn't what this was…she was scared he was destroying her.
Feeling overwhelmed he rested his head in his hands. If you looked at things from her point of view, he had been. He'd ignored her, pushed her concerns, her desires aside. Fuck she was his wife and he'd abandoned her; when she was clearly dealing with a lot; especially so soon after her miscarriage, no wonder she felt so alone. And on top of all of it, it was her association with him that was tearing her life apart; literally taking everything and everyone from her.
Breathing heavily, he didn't know if he could keep doing this, keep reading. He'd done a lot of terrible things during their relationship; but much like when he'd started reading, he wasn't sure they compared to this. All the hate, all the bitterness inside him that had been stitching him together was coming undone. As it did it left this…void. A void that was darkening by the minute.
Swallowing tightly, he wondered about messaging Dan again, he needed spoilers for the rest of this book. What if it was only worse from here? Almost ready to do just that he remembered, most of his conversations with Dan today hadn't actually been via message. They'd been through his notes; notes that had been more intuitive than he would have necessarily given him credit for.
Looking to the edge of the page he saw a large colorful sticky note peeking out from the edge of the next page. Taking a breath, he turned. As he read the first words, he couldn't help but laugh, noting its shakiness even as he did.
Take a breath. Please. This is the worst of it I swear. And remember what I
said, she didn't feel like that song was fair so I'm guessing she wouldn't
think how you're feeling right now was fair either. Remember, this is Bianca's
story. That doesn't mean it's always your story too.
Chuck shook his head slightly. Those words should make him feel better, but they didn't. Dan didn't get it. It was his story. He'd done the things that she'd laid out. And sure, she should have said something, anything really about how she was feeling but she shouldn't have had to. He knew her better than he knew himself, he just hadn't been paying attention. His eyebrows pulled together as he continued reading Dan's note.
And I know, based on what comes next that Blair would completely agree
with me on that much at least. She doesn't blame you for why she left.
As far as I know she never did. She made the choice for herself, and it's
probably the hardest thing she's ever done.
He couldn't help but scoff. Maybe it was the hardest thing she'd ever done, but how could she not blame him? Right now, he blamed himself. And she could say what she wanted about the song to Dan or in her journal but part of her felt that way or she wouldn't have written it. There was also a part of her that thought of him as the villain in her fairy tale.
At least Dan said it didn't get worse right? He thought before turning the page.
She exhaled in frustration as she struggled for the words. She was on the 5th page of her notebook, each she'd ripped out just like the one before it.
Looking out the window of the plane she couldn't help but remember the flight just over a month ago; the one when he'd promised things would be different. Things had been different, just not in the way she'd hoped.
Pressing her lips back together she fought against the tears that threatened to fall. No, she wasn't doing that. She'd allowed herself all the tears that she would last night. With the time change and the amount of time she'd already been on the plane she figured it was even morning at home. No, not home. In New York.
Clark should be awake by now – he probably knew by now that she'd left. She wasn't certain what his reaction would be. She hadn't told him anything about what happened yesterday, he didn't know about her fights with Sabrina and Dylan. Who would he call first? Well not Dylan obviously. Probably, Sabrina. She wondered if Sabrina would answer, would tell him she was back in New York. She had a feeling once she found out Bianca left, she wouldn't want to be the one on the receiving end of Clark's ire.
With as busy as Clark had been though, would he actually realize immediately that she was gone? There were any number of reasons she might wake up before him and he hadn't really been answering her calls lately…how long would it take before it hit him. For a moment she froze, what if he thought something bad had happened to her. She didn't want that. She needed to say something to someone. Make sure someone knew she'd left town…but who?
Letting out a huff of air she knew who it had to be, not that she wanted to talk to Sabrina. Pulling out her phone she logged onto the wifi for the first time, quickly shooting off a single text.
Took your advice.
She stared at her phone, not sure if she expected an immediate response or not. It was then that she realized that if she were going to do this, she had to really do it. She had to cut off communication, she could always undo it later. Clicking on Sabrina's contact, she scrolled down and clicked "block." She followed that up quickly doing the same for Nick, Dylan, and Clark in quick succession.
Leaning back in her seat she let out a long exhale, that felt a lot more like cutting off a limb than she expected it to. Especially with Nick, he didn't deserve that but it was almost as much for his protection as hers. She had to cut it off completely.
So that's how Serena had known Blair left…something else Serena had lied about. She'd claimed that Blair had called her and wouldn't say where she was only that she needed to get away. As angry as he was at Serena, the disappointment he was beginning to feel towards his sister was worse.
Chuck blinked in surprise as he turned the page, finding a sticky note right in the middle.
You know she never sent you a letter. Go to the next song on the playlist.
She clearly changed some words but you'll get the idea.
Big Girls Don't Cry
His brow tight, Chuck did what Dan recommended and clicked play. As soon as he did he realized why Dan had said it. Blair might not have sent him a letter but she sure as hell wrote him one.
Looking back down at her notebook she shook her head. She had to do this, she had to give him a reason, if not, there was no telling what he might think had driven her to go. He might blame the wrong things and that wouldn't help either of them move forward.
Bianca shook her head, again finding herself tearing another sheet out of her notebook. Part of her wondered if it would be better to wait, better to do this when her feelings weren't so raw but knew she couldn't. If she were doing this, it was now or never. Later, the feelings wouldn't be sharp enough and it would take more to convince herself to stay away than it would in this moment.
Resting her head on her left hand she caught a whiff of his cologne on her skin. Immediately, tears sprung to her eyes but once more she blinked them back. 'Time to grow up Windsor, you can do this' she thought to herself. Putting on her big girl pants she once more stuck her pen to paper.
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection, baby
Be with myself and center clarity, peace, serenity
I hope you know, I hope you know,
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I,
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm going to miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
She had to make sure that he understood, that he knew that this wasn't a decision she'd made on a whim. It might not have taken her months of back and forth to come to this decision; but that didn't mean that she hadn't thought it through in every way you possibly could.
But more importantly, she needed him to understand that this wasn't his fault. She was the broken one.
She worried about that, worried that he'd blame something that he had or hadn't done; but that wasn't true. Thinking back to the plane ride home once more, she remembered making him promise to put her in front of the company. How did she put in to words that leaving him wasn't because he hadn't done that?
As difficult as the last month had been for her with him trying to get caught back up on work; she knew that was because he'd spent an entire month with her completely ignoring his multi-million-dollar business. And while the month had been perfect, she knew it wasn't forever; they both had responsibilities in the real world.
And Bianca knew that if she'd given him an ultimatum – her or the company - he would have picked her; he would always pick her. There wasn't a single doubt in her mind that he would have done anything she asked to keep her from leaving. That's why she hadn't told him what she'd decided and it's why she'd gone to some lengths to hamper his ability to follow her.
He was Clark Banks after all, she knew his resources knew very few limits.
But as much as she knew he would choose her; she knew that she would be putting him in the same position she'd been in the last month or so. He'd have destroyed a part of himself, his company, the company that his dad had left him, just to make her happy. She knew that he would because he loved her every bit as much as she loved him.
The path that I'm walking, I must go alone
I must take the baby steps till I'm full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I've foreseen the dark ahead if I stay
I hope you know, I hope you know,
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I,
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm going to miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
When Sabrina had told her to grow up, to stop living in fairy tales, she wasn't wrong. She did need to grow up; she wasn't a child anymore.
Sabrina had been wrong about one thing though; Clark had given her the fairy tale in Tuscany. They could envision happily ever after with each other and they both wanted it so badly.
It was the grown up in her, who needed to recognize that just because they had the fairy tale, didn't mean they got to keep it. In the real world, happy endings came at a premium and she wouldn't let either of them pay that price.
The lengths that they were each willing to go to, to keep the other happy, to keep each other period, wasn't healthy for either one of them. And she would rather the fairy tale end with the prince and princess on opposite ends of the world; than have it end with one, or both, of them becoming the villain. And that was exactly where they were headed.
As long as they weren't together, ruining each other, she could imagine that there was another world, possibly even a future version of this one, that they could be together.
If they were apart there was at least hope; hope that they would find a way to be happy as single entities or even hope that this separation didn't have to be forever.
Like the little school mate in the school yard,
We'll play jacks and Uno cards
I'll be your best friend, and you'll be mine, Valentine
Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to, 'cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers, and share our secret worlds
And yes, it was true that his schedule when they'd returned had brought this to light much sooner than an easier entry into reality might have.
And yes, it was true that there were days she felt she was hanging on to their relationship, to their connection, through their physicality alone.
And yes, it was true that he'd broken so many promises to her that she'd stopped attributing meaning to the word unless it was attached to how much he loved her.
And yes, it was true that being with him had hurt her societal position, had hampered her quest to become a powerful woman, and had seemingly turned her friends against her.
But none of that was why she left. Those were just the reasons she'd realized so quickly that she couldn't stay.
There was a small part of her that resented his failings happening so immediately; but only because they'd sent her into a spiral of her own, one that had brought her here. If they'd only been slower getting to this point, they could have prolonged the fairy tale just a little longer.
But she knew even as she thought it that it was foolish. Having him for longer might have just meant losing more of themselves along the way. And it might have made leaving him even more difficult. And right now, she already missed him so badly that she wanted to turn the plane around. She'd missed him before she'd even left.
But it's time for me to go,
it's getting late and dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity, peace, serenity
She had to find the words to explain how personal this was for her. That as much as she believed that they could find their way to being powerful together. Until they could find a way to be together without being willing to sacrifice the essence of who they were as people they couldn't be together at all.
It was possible to love someone too much; or at least it was possible to love someone so much that you completely lost yourself in them. And as much as she wanted to be with him, she had to become secure enough in who she was that she wouldn't lose herself.
She was Bianca Windsor. Something that Clark had told her over and over again to prop her up, to support her, to explain just how much he valued her for just who she was. But no matter how much Clark Banks loved her or valued her; it was valuing herself she needed to work on.
Throat burning with unshed tears, Bianca pressed her head more tightly into her palm. She'd taken that first step. She'd valued herself enough to leave. She had so much further to go before she valued herself enough to stay away. And more than that – if she ever hoped for a chance to find her way back to him – she would have to value herself enough that she knew even her love for him, wouldn't be enough to lose who she was as a person. Right now she was just too scared, too insecure, too unfinished.
Right now that love was so all-consuming. She never wanted that to fade or dissolve; but as much as she wanted to be with him she hadn't become the person she needed to be yet. It wasn't that she needed to be wildly successful – that she could do with him. She just needed to finish becoming. Period.
I hope you know, I hope you know,
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I,
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm going to miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Her hands were shaking as she dropped her pen. Last night when she and Clark were together for the last time her heart had been so open and vulnerable that it was spread bare. As she left and even now on the plane trying to write this letter to him, it had felt as though her heart had been rounding back in, collecting within in it as many feelings and memories as it could.
But now, it was like her heart was collapsing in on itself. All of those emotions and feelings shot throughout her body, flooding her system and circling through her veins before shooting out through her finger tips. And now all she felt was numb.
Looking back down at her notebook, she traced over the words. This jumbled mess wasn't a letter; but she could already see the beginnings of a song. Maybe, she could take it and create something coherent enough to mail to him once she landed but for now, she was too spent to do anything other than sleep.
Closing his eyes Chuck forced the air into and out of his lungs as deeply and evenly as he could manage. Blair logic had always been a little convoluted; a lot convoluted really. Maybe it was because he'd been in her head all day reading Dan's book or maybe her logic was just convoluted enough to actually be right; but he felt like he understood.
It wasn't for revenge that much was obvious. If anything, she'd been so lost in her love for him that she was trying desperately to crawl her way back out. He could see that now.
He'd always known he could forgive the first time; that it might have even be the right decision. Now he could see that there was almost nothing to forgive, not when it came to Blair anyway.
He was still angry with society, with Dan, with himself…and fucking furious with Serena. Because there was one thing in particular, he wasn't sure that Blair was right about. He didn't think that she would have come to this decision if all the other shit hadn't come down on her at the same time.
Ultimately, Chuck couldn't help but think that they wouldn't have destroyed each other. That if the sky hadn't started to fall, they would have had the time to figure it all out and she never would have been forced to confront whether or not she loved him enough to lose herself.
But he had to admit that he couldn't be sure. It was possible that if everything hadn't happened all at once they might, it might have been little bends, little concessions by each of them over the years and they might have both become people that they couldn't recognize.
Because he knew what she meant. He knew that it wasn't just about working together and leaning on each other. He knew that it wasn't just about growing up.
It was about becoming someone. And in that time that they were apart, that was exactly what had happened. They'd both become the people they were meant to be.
All he could really begrudge Blair was her communication. First, not being more forceful in communicating her distress and then not communicating why she'd left. It was then that he noticed Dan's note.
As I said before, we both know she never sent you a letter. I don't know
exactly why. I think the more time passed, the worse she felt that she
hadn't done it immediately and the harder it got for her to say anything
at all. What I know for sure is what she told me about why Austin DID
get a letter and you didn't. She said – "I didn't have a valid explanation
for why I was leaving, not one I could explain in words and I knew that I
could be convinced otherwise if I waited to talk to Chuck. If I had
hesitated then, I never would have left. I was scared, immature,
terrified of what people would say, and selfish to the core. So I just left.
The difference with Austin, is that leaving him is maybe the most selfless
thing I've ever done." I can't say that I think she's right about the latter –
more on that to come – but I think it's pretty clear how she feels about
her decision to leave you. I personally, have never heard her say it was
the wrong one, only that it was the selfish one. And I have to think that
if you'd known, you would have wanted her to be selfish too.
Chuck frowned. Earlier that spring he had loved her enough to let her go. He'd wanted her to be happy, even if he wasn't the one providing that happiness, he'd told her to marry Louis. But after lost the baby and came back to him, the way he'd loved her had changed. His love at the time had been so blinding that the idea of not being with her had become impossible. So even if he would have wanted her to be selfish, to take care of herself above them being together, he had to wonder if he would have accepted any reason.
He didn't think he would have; especially not one like the truth, her truth anyway. She'd said something similar to him before, after the hotel incident while they were at Dorota's wedding, about loving him too much. And at the time, that certainly hadn't been enough to keep him away. No matter the magnitude of difference, he was pretty sure this wouldn't have been enough either. No, he was pretty sure he would have stopped her if she'd told him before she left. Because his heart was too selfish to let her go.
But he did wish she'd sent him the letter she'd promised herself she would have. Not because he would have run after her or won her back then. He wished she'd given it to him because if she had, he never would have believed it had been about revenge.
The revenge had turned his love for her into the dark poisonous pit that it had become. It was the root of the hatred he felt.
The idea that she had wanted to hurt him, wanted to cause him pain, had been what made him let her go.
Even as he thought it he flinched. He shouldn't be thinking that, he shouldn't be wishing that things had happened differently than they had. If things had happened differently he wouldn't have Gwen, his fiancé, the woman who had saved him, the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
And even though he understood why she left, he could never understand why it had happened again after the Hamptons. They'd done the "becoming" and she'd left him again; whether or not he understood her intentions it didn't change the facts.
He still had four more years of Blair's life to read through; wishing things had happened differently was far too dangerous a game to play.
And there we have it. Blair's decision to leave. As you can see Chuck's already feeling conflicted about what he does know and there's so much he doesn't…
Anyways hope you enjoyed it (even if it was a little depressing).
Reviews are love.
xx kate