One month later
The atmosphere of the mansion had not been the same.
One morning Quinn woke up, her hand on her round belly, no longer feeling movement from her normally very active baby. She knew something was wrong. She immediately woke Gage and once they were in the medical bay Dr. Banner delivered grave news: the infant was dying and likely won't survive the day.
Dr. Banner induced labor so Quinn and Gage may hold their baby girl before she's gone. As though it would help in some way.
They named her Emily and buried her in the backyard, under a tree with daisies. Her grave small in so many ways.
Gage felt guilt ridden. Feeling this is his fault. It was the extrmis that did this. He killed his baby girl.
Quinn wasn't any better. She threw herself into work, almost never leaving he lab unless Tony had her locked out.
Tony himself was trying to hold it together, for the sake of his children, his wife, for Clint. He tried to be strong but on more than one occasion he and Quinn broke down and mourned together.
Kim had just a hard time accepting that her first grandchild barely got to experience life. She prayed for strength and for her family. She rarely talks about what happened and often sat outside with a notebook, drawing or writing her feelings out. Trying to handle her grief in a healthy way. But if some whiskey bottles go missing them Tony doesn't need to know.
Clint, he felt..used to it. Used to the grief, the disappointment, used to the shit life throws their way. He thought he saw it all when The kids were kidnapped in the middle of the night. Quinn raped and traumatized. TJ nearly bleeding to death. He's not sure which situation is worse and frankly he just wants life to throw this family a fucking bone and let them be happy.
TJ focused on training and school. He tried to pretend it didn't happen. That he didn't lose his niece but with Loki in the house, it's almost impossible to. Loki was getting the brunt of everyone's emotions.
Clint saw Gage outside the kitchen window. He was still at that grave. He's been there for hours. He looked at the clock.
12:37AM.
He sighed, walking outside.
As he got closer he cleared his throat. "Uh Gage, it's going on one in the morning, you should get to bed." "I can't." Gage said, quietly. Still staring at the small grave.
Emily Stark
July 7th
May you find peace
In heaven
Clint shook his head. "Feeling guilty isn't going to bring her back. Nothing will and this guilt is just weighing you down. You need sleep, you need food. You can't sit out here your entire life praying for forgiveness of something that wasn't even your fault!" Clint hadn't realize he started to raise his voice half way through. He didn't mean to but god, his brother needed to hear this.
Gage shot up, glaring. "Wasn't my fault?! She was conceived while that...Hell was still in me. It was because of that she grew far too quickly and because she grew too quickly she died!" Clint nearly growled with annoyance. His brother could be as emotional and dramatic as a girl when set off.
"Shit happens and life isn't fair, especially to us. I don't know if you know but we lost someone to. TJ and I lost a Niece, Tony and Kim lost their granddaughter and Quinn lost her daughter. Just in case you forgot, your not the only one who lost someone. " His brother was suddenly quiet. Like it suddenly occurred to him that yes, everyone else was mourning like him. Clint continued. "And your future wife is working herself to death, trying to forget it ever happened. She needs you and You arnt there. If you want to feel guilty about something then feel guilty about that."
Gage swallowed. Thinking of Quinn, handling this loss, alone. God. What has he been doing? He gave Clint a small nod of thanks before running into the house.
He made his way to the lab where he found he was locked out. The door wouldn't open for him and he could see her at her table, working in some kind of armor. He knocked on the glass, tried to break it but she said something and suddenly he heard her over the PA system in the entrance way
"What do you want?" Quinn was standing. Cross armed at her desk, glaring at him. He swallowed the lump in his throat. "I want to talk to you." "Oh now you want to talk to me. It's only been a month since our daughter died in my arms." Her words felt like a knife stabbing him. His eyes watered. "Please...I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. I got so swallowed up in my guilt that I forgot that others are mourning to."
She was quiet for a moment before taking a breath. "Clint gave you a verbal slap to the face?" He couldn't help the small smile. "Oh yeah." She sighed. "Jarvis, let him in."
The door opened and Gage came right in but stopped in front of her, note quite sure what to do. She rushed him, hugging him tightly and hiding herself in his chest. He hugged back, holding her tight and kissing her head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to leave you when you needed me." His voice became thick. "The guilt swallowed me up." He looked up at him, seeing tears go down his face. She held his face, wiping the tears away with her thumbs. "Your here now. I've missed you."
He closed his eyes, tears continue to fall like rivers. Quinn felt her own tears start but she worried for him. He had been so guilt ridden for a month, barely sleeping or eating. He's lost weight and he just looks exhausted. She took a breath and put both hands on either side of his head, focusing on him, sending feelings of calm and comfort into him so maybe he can start healing.
He relaxed into her, holding her. His crying stopped and he was nearly asleep on her shoulder. She gave a sad smile. "Com'on, let's get you to bed." He let her lead him to his bedroom.
Once there she helped him lay down, giving him a glass of water because he had to be dehydrated as hell. Once he drank all the water he practically collapsed into the mattress,asleep as soon as he hit the pillow. She covered him up and talked to Jarvis quietly. "Jay, let me know if he's in any distress or wakes up. I still have things to finish in the lab." "Of course mam but if I may, I believe it would benefit his healing process if you slept next to him." She sighed. "I will. Give me an hour and then you can lock me out of the lab, deal?" "Yes ."
TJ has been working and aiding Loki non stop since his Niece died. He's not blaming Loki one bit for his behavior. Having to feel every emotion in the house with no way of filtering it is no easy feet. And it's seemed to cost Loki
His sanity.
After the second day of trying to handle all of the emotions of the house, using Kim's method of baking as a coping mechanism, but it just wasn't enough and he's hid in their room unless he had school and even school became too difficult and he got a medical note saying he will be out for a unknown amount of time.
He barely slept, often being kept awake at night with voices in his head and seeing hallucinations. His moods shifting between terrified and depressed.
But with TJ there it seemed to help. His presence calms him to some degree but it's still difficult to get him to sleep and he just seems to be getting worse.
Right now Loki was asleep, which was rare and TJ used this time to make some tea for Loki in the morning. That way all he had to do is heat it in the microwave. While the tea kettle heated he went on his phone,goggling mental illness and how to help. He was getting at his end.
He was startled as Jarvis spoke. "Sir, I believe you should sleep while Loki is sleeping. It's rare you may get the chance again." TJ sighed, running his hands through his hair. "I know but I want to make sure he has tea in the morning without waiting too long. I hate leaving him alone. He's always worse." His whole body felt shaky, jittery and he felt the urge to just curl into a ball and sob but he had to be strong. He's barely gotten more than four hours of sleep since Emily passed.
"I think Loki may need professional help. I believe being outside the house will benefit him more and his mind can return to normal." "We can't exactly go to a hospital Jarvis." He nearly rolled his eyes but was just too tired to. "No but I believe SHIELD can.. " TJ slunk back against the chair. "I'm not abandoning him." "I said nothing of the sort. My suggestion is to take time off school and go there for a few weeks. It will give his mind time to heal and return to normal while the house returns to normal. After a month I think healing is starting so it should not be too much longer."
TJ took in a shaky breath. "Yeah. I'll talk to my parents about it. I just...I feel helpless. I can't help him, for the first time since I've known him." "You are helping him. Even if you don't believe you are." TJ had to wipe away a few tears. "Thanks Jay." The tea kettle whistled and while he was pouring mugs of tea Jarvis spoke again. "I'm sorry to bother you but Loki has woken up distressed." TJ put the tea kettle down and ran back up to there room.
Inside he saw Loki curled in the fetal position, gripping the pillow so tightly his knuckles were white and he was having a hallucination. He was breathing like he was having an anxiety attack and crying out.
"No...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...please..." TJ went to him, shaking his shoulders. "Hey, nothing is there, your safe." Eventually Loki came out of it with a scream, sitting quick as a bullet and his hands holding his ears. TJ tried to pry his hands away gently but Loki wouldn't budge so he would have to talk him to do it.
He held Loki's hands that were covering his ears, placing them on either side. He swallowed the lump in his throat that grew. "Loki, it's me.. it's TJ, your safe. You don't have to hide." Loki sucked in a breath, staring at the sheets. "It's my fault... my fault she's dead." "No, no baby, it isn't. " Loki sobbed, his knees nearly up to his chin as he tried to hide. "My fault... everything...I'm sorry. Make the screaming stop.."
He felt wetness on Loki's finger tips. He saw blood. Shit, his nails are digging into his skin. He took in a breath. "Loki, baby, I need you to let go, ok? Your hurting yourself." He shook his head. "No, No..I'll hear the screaming...always screaming.." "How about if I bring you ear plugs? They'll work better than your hands to block sound but you need to let go." He didn't get an answer so he reached in the bedside drawer, grabbing a pair. Lokis hands relaxed enough that he could gently insert the ear plugs. Loki relaxed against him, nearly falling back asleep with little mumbles of I'm sorry coming out every couple of minutes before he fell back asleep on TJs shoulder.
TJ let out a shaky breath, holding Loki tightly and letting his tears out. He hated how helpless he was to help Loki. He could only attempt to believe Jarvis as he helped lay them both down and fall into a restless sleep.
Kim was the first awake, walking into the kitchen with one of Clints hoodies on, going to the coffee maker but stopping, seeing several mugs out and three of them full. She sighed sadly. Knowing TJ was making them for Loki.
Both of her children were so much like their father yet not.
Quinn was so brilliant, so stubborn and sometimes arrogant but was still somewhat trusting of other people, just shy still. She was smart enough not to get involved with alcohol but just as prone to suicidal thoughts as Tony.
And TJ, he feels he can take on anything, alone. He's a much more talented fighter than Tony will ever be but when it comes to those he loves and needing to help them, he tries to tackle it alone and bear the cross so to speak.
And right now his cross's name is Loki.
She started the coffee maker, being the first awake. A few minutes later she heard foot steps and looked. There was TJ in the entrance way to the kitchen, looking dead on his feet with bags under his eyes and his movements slower, somewhat clumsy as he walked, picking up a mug of tea that had gone cold, he put it in the microwave and just leaned against the counter.
Kim cleared her theist, unsure of how exactly to handle him. She knows when Tony bears his cross of whatever it is he's worrying about, it's Hell and high water to pull him away from it but this is the first he's really shown that trait and isnt sure how he will react to comfort.
He jumped but calmed, seeing his mom. "Oh..hi mom." She smiled sadly. "How's Loki?" TJ shook his head, the microwave beeping but he ignored it. "He's getting worse. He keeps talking to himself, talking to Oden or Thor, he has nightmares that we blame him for Emily's death. He has hallucinations of Quinn and Gage screaming at him,and switches between moods in an instant." Kim stayed silent, letting him open up, wanting to walk over and hold him and tell him everything will be ok but she wanted him to reach out for it. She didn't want to force him.
He looked at her, his eyes red, as if he had just been crying. "I don't know what to do mom. I want to help him but his mind is gone. Will he even heal from this?" She walked closer, seeing the panic attack starting to bubble up. "He will. He just needs time. The only reason his mind is going is because he can't filter any emotions felt from us. With time away I think he will heal just fine. Maybe contact Phil? See if they can help?"
"Jarvis said they have a safe house. I was gonna discuss it with you and dad." Kim sighed. "I think it's what's best for Loki right now. He needs to heal as much as we do but just not around us. He needs to be with himself or you. A month a away will do some good." TJ just nodded, feeling his lip tremble. Kim felt a startling but profound realization. "TJ, have you been able to mourn?" He remained silent and trembling and that was all the answer she needed as she practically rushed over, engulfing him in her arms tightly. He started sobbing into her neck and hair, feeling like he was five years old again.
She let him cry, letting s few of her own out. She ran her fingers though his hair and rubbed his back as he cried. "She was so small..." She swallowed the lump in her throat. "I know sweetheart. I know." "She didn't deserve that." TJ started sucking in unsteady breaths and Kim knee these were all too familiar anxiety attacks signs. She held his face gently. "Breath sweetie. It's ok. Just breath."
Once he calmed she convinced him to pack up and contact Phil, finding a safe house. She could explain everything to everyone but Lokis mental health was more important. Who knows if this could have permanent damage in his brain.
Before he went up the stairs, she stopped him with a soft smile. "I'm sorry you have to go through this but I'm proud at how you have handled Loki. You've been so patient and careful. I'm very proud to have you as my son." He smiled before hugging her tightly. "Thanks. We'll call everyday, promise." "You better. Now get going before anyone else gets up." He nodded, going up the stairs to rush. It would be easier getting Loki out of the house without anyone else in the way.
Thankfully Loki was in a lethargic mood and easy to guide to the garage. Once Loki was buckled into the passenger seat, TJ got his phone out, Calling Phil.
"This is Director Coulson." TJ sighed. "Phil, it's TJ. I'm headed to HQ. I need help that only SHIELD can do." "I'll let the team know." "Loki is with me. He's kinda the reason. It's nothing bad just..he needs help." There was silence on the other line for a moment before Coulsons smooth voice said "Understood. We'll see you soon."
Tony was awake next, going to the coffee pot like a zombie. Kim smiled, amused, handing him a cup of coffee. He groaned, inhaling the scent. "Oh I knew there was a reason I married you." She chuckled. "I'm pretty sure it wasn't my coffee making skills." Tony took a sip of his coffee before pointing a finger. "But it was one of them." She waited till he had most of his coffee before dropping the news. "Tony, I have something to tell you and you won't like it." Tony looked at her.
She could see his heart breaking, thinking she's leaving. She spoke before those thoughts could cloud his mind any longer. "TJ and Loki left. They're going to stay with Shield and help Loki recover." Tony nodded. "Guess they left early." "Yeah. It was easier to get Loki out of the house that way. He says he'll call everyday. Keep us updated."
Tony nodded, still feeling hurt he couldn't say goodbye, no matter how rational and understanding a reason it was.
TJ prayed Loki was out of his mind enough to not recognize Coulson or the large Shield symbol that's everywhere.
But when he parked, Coulson standing by with Simmons and Agent May, Loki panicked.
"No! Please! I'm sorry! Don't make me go back there!" Loki cried, trying to hide himself. TJ tried to calm him. Holding his arms gently. "Loki, I'm not giving you away, there here to help you, ok?" Loki didn't listen, taking in heaving breaths. "I killed him and he's gonna kill me now...I'm sorryimsorryimsorry.." Loki stared chanting to himself again, nearly rocking back and fourth. TJ was in the verge of helpless tears again when Agent May and Simmons came over. TJ saw Simmons had a syringe of some sort in hand, likely a sedition. Agent May opens the door and Simmons quickly gave Loki the shot in his neck. It took affect within seconds and Loki was asleep. Agent may ordered a stretcher from a few other Shield guys who were at the ready. They got Loki onto it easily and rolled him away.
TJ got out of the car, asking them questions. "What are you going to do with him?" Simmons cleared her threat and he turned to her. She answered. "We're going to put his DNA through the computer and see how different from a human he is so we know what can work and what doesn't. The sedition I gave him was pure luck that it would work but I brought it in case he wasn't moved from the car easily. Don't worry, he's in good hands. I intend to see to everything in his care."
TJ could only nod, watching the doctors take Loki away. Coulson walked over. "Let's go to my office. I want detailed discussion of why Loki is here." "Yes sir." He followed Coulson, eventually going down a brick hall and into a door with Coulsons name on it.
Once inside Coulson relaxed a bit, going to lean against his desk. "Has something happened with Loki? Is he too much to take care of?" "No, not at all. When Odin stripped him of his magic it also took away any filter he had against others emotions. He can feel everything and he has no control over what he feels. Normally it's not a problem, our house is pretty stable with a few exceptions but... we recently had a tragedy." Coulson suddenly became worried. "Is everyone ok?"
TJ nodded. "Yeah. Quinn became pregnant but the Extrmis helped it because it was still in Gage's system. She was full term within a week and the baby didn't make it. I lost a Niece, my sister lost her daughter and the house has been a mess for a month. Everyone is handling it so awful and because of all the negative emotions going about the house it's taken its toll on Lokis mind. He's hearing things, seeing things, having nightmares. He's not in his own mind. He's unstable and terrified and I don't know what to do to help him." TJ felt his eyes water. He's exhausted and he feels it.
Coulson nodded at his story, letting out a breath. "I'm sorry about your loss. As uncomfortable I am with having Loki in Shield again I can see he is no threat and I will help any way I can. You look pretty tired, I can show you to the crew quarters where you can rest. " TJ took a breath. "With respect sir is like to stay with Loki, at least until he's more stable." Coulson nodded. "Of course. I'll take you to medical."
TJ followed Coulson to the medical bay where Loki was laying on a table, now in a medical gown, on a drip, most likely on a sedition. Jemma saw TJ and walked over as the other doctors looked over him. "Were finding quite a lot of information. Nothing bad, I promise." TJ gave her a small smile. She was adorable, reminded him of Quinn a little. She continued, bringing a chart over. "Did you know he had a uterus?" TJ was taken aback by that . "Uhhhh no? But can can shape shift into a woman so...?"
"That explains it then because he has one but at the moment it's just dormant. There's no eggs in it and yet he still had his male reproductive organs working. It probably changes when he does." TJ nodded, that did make a lot of sense. He never thought about it much, normally he's six inches deep when he's transformed. He just continued to listen to her talk. "And his physiology is very close to human. He has lungs, heart, everything a human does with tiny changes but that explains why the sedition worked and likely other medications could work as well. His blood type is still odd. It's the only thing not human or what points him out as non human. We doing some standard exams now then we'll be moving him to a room. Exactly why is he here though?"
Coulson spoke up, making the explanation short. "Temporary insanity caused by an inability to filter the emotions around him. No medication should be necessary." Jenna wrote it down with a frown. "Oh gosh, I've never aided mental illness before, I'm not sure I'm qualified." "Simmons, you'll be great. He should be fine without need of medication but he will be staying with us till his home life is more stable. TJ can regal you about it after he's had some rest. Right?" TJ nodded, almost yawning. "Right."
Coulson showed him to the crew quarters to a free room. "Before you rest up, I'd like to talk to you.. Since you'll be with us for a prolonged amount of time would you like to accompany some of my agents on missions should one come up?" TJ smiled. "Yeah, of course! It's like my dream. " Coulson gave a small smile. "I'll keep you posted then. Get them rest. You look dead on your feet. "Yes sir."
TJ got inside the small room that held a dresser, twin bed and a desk with a lamp with a small private bathroom. He laid on the bed, falling asleep as soon as he hit the pillow.