It was my second week as attending surgeon at Saint Bonaventure. In a few minutes, what it was just a pretty awful damn long day, would have turned in a horrible day.
At the end of a thirteen endless hours shift, a nurse came to get me for another emergency in the OR: sixteen years old girl, involved in a car accident, several injuries and suspected internal damages. Dr. Lim was trying to fix that mess, but the patient's condition were extremely severe and she would need some help.
I didn't think twice and started running through the OR. I scrubbed in while the alarm sounds all together suggesting a very bad condition.
Lim was desperately trying to fix the patient but unsuccessfully. She gave me a quick look, her eyes asking for some help, I needed to do something:
"Let's start with a ECC on her. I'll make sure her heart keep on beating, so you can take care of the rest."
She didn't argue, which was pretty unusual but that was a clue of how critical the situation was. The procedure seemed to work for a while, but when we were just getting through this, her vitals started dropping fast again and her organs failed one by one without giving us the time to figure out what was happening and try to do something.
After one more round of A.C., Lim pronounced the patient, then she miserably get out of the OR.
We lose her. We failed. For the first time as surgeons.
I reached for her, she was there, her back against the wall staring into distance.
"You ok?"
"Yes. I am. I have to tell her parents."
"I'll come with you"
"No. My patient. My responsibilities.", firmly said before she started walking through the waiting area.
Once at home, a couple of hours later, I had a breakdown, a feeling of helplessness and failure. I was lying on the ground with the hands on my face, I knew that would happened eventually but maybe I wasn't ready to face it. But now I had to.
I wasn't a student anymore, I was a surgeon (as I always dreamt) and that was the burden. Making decisions, even under extreme conditions, could save or compromise a patient's life. That was a fact. I usually made the right decision and I was saving lives everyday…but sometime there would be nothing I could do or even worse…I could have make a mistake.
I fell asleep on the couch, until I woke up by someone knocking at the door. I was pretty surprised to find out it was Lim.
"Hey, can I come in?"
She was pretty broken. I could see it in her eyes.
"Are you ok?"
"No, I'm not. I had a fight with Kashal. And he's gone."
"Again?!"
"Yes! Again!", she scolded me.
I never get into details of their relationship, but since I knew her, things had never gone well. Lately was even worse.
"I have to stay here or you let me in?"
"Yeah, sorry…please come in."
She took her place on the couch.
"Do you mind if I eat something meanwhile? I fell asleep and I didn't eat all day…I don't even know what time is it…" I said.
"It's past eleven, sorry for that…"
"No need to. I'm glad you're here…I mean: I'm sorry for what happened with Kashal, but we've had a pretty bad day and as much as I can't stand you maybe we can try and go through it together" I told her with a little smile on my face. She was the only person in the world who could comprehend how I was feeling right now…even if she pissed me off everyday.
"Maybe. You're right Melendez. You're a pain in the ass, but somehow I'm here"
"Do you want to grab a beer?"
"Yes"
I sat by her side handling her a bottle, than I put my legs on the coffee table.
"So, you're not here to talk about Kashal…aren't you?"
"Not actually, that's not even a news."
She took a sip and then started her speak.
"What happened today has upset me. When I came back home I needed to talk with someone and the only 'someone' to be around was him…but I admit it, that was a very bad idea."
"So try again, let's see if you showing up at my apartment at 11.30pm can be a better idea. But move it Lim, I woke up at 5am this morning!"
I smiled her to encourage her.
"I told him what happened, I told him that I was a wreck because we aren't be able to save that girl. He just told me that it should be normal for a surgeon and that this can happen and it should be better for me to get used to it. He told me I shouldn't be so dramatic…that's when I snapped!"
She was a mix of anger and desperation. Then she went on, almost whispering while tears started streaming down her face.
"What happened Neil? We had everything under control!...What happened? Why we lost her? Where we get wrong?". I never saw her like that: she cried all she's ever going to cry.
"Hey…"
And then I grabbed her, and I just held her until her breathing return to normal.
"Listen Aud…we did everything we could. Despite this, we couldn't save her. It happened. And unfortunately it will happen again, you know this. We could also make mistakes, that's the price we pay to become the best."
"Don't even try to say that this is normal and we must get used…" she angrily said, pulling me away.
"Calm down! I'm not saying that. I just said that this will happen again, you know better than that. But no, we'll never get used to this feeling. It will hurt so bad every time, but maybe we can learn to deal with it and go through this in a less dramatic way. I don't want to be some surgeon who remain indifferent to a patient's death…"
"You're not like this, Neil. And you'll never be. You're an asshole, but just to your colleagues. When you're with your patients, you always show your best side."
"Thank you, colleague"
"You're welcome"
We stayed there quietly, her head reclining on my shoulder, my arm around her. I was discovering that besides pissing each other off (most of the time), it seemed we were able to calm us down as well. She had a soothing effect on me and I liked it.
"Feeling any better?"
"Yep, it seems so. I must be honest, Melendez: as a colleague, you're really obnoxious but…you're not so bad as a friend"
"I know…I have to admit something too"
"What?"
"I was torn between surgery and psychology…" I said chuckling.
"Idiot"
We both laughed and when she looked at me I was happy to see her smile back.
"Listen…I have a plan" I proudly announced.
"I'm all ears…go on!"
"We're two young surgeons, and we're so damn good."
"Yes. We are"
"We're going to be soon the best surgeons, despite our failures or some mistake. When we'll have days like this, we'll meet up for a beer after our shifts. How about that?"
"Sounds like a good plan!"
"Ok then, we've a deal!"
"Maybe I should go now…"
"Where exactly? It's almost 2 am…stay here tonight. I'll be so kind to let you choose between my bed and the couch…"
"That's very kind of you, Melendez…Your couch will be good."
"Good night then." I wish her with a smile.
"Good night. And thank you…for all this."
When I woke up the morning after, she was gone…but there was a note on the table.
We're a team. Whatever you lack, I got you.
We will balance each other out. Minor setback?
Guess we'll make a major comeback. Bad Day?
Well, I promise you a better night. You need support?
I'll be your backbone. I'll keep you motivated and at the top, always.
As long as you appreciate me and remain consisten, you don't ever have to doubt my loyalty.
You got me. I got us.
Aud.