-Once upon a time, two young after school leaders attempted to tell a story to a group of children. The following is a written transcript of their attempt.

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman. For those that just started this week and are brand new to the program, my name is Mr. Farkle. Now for reasons that I clearly do not understand, many of you apparently really enjoyed story time when we did it awhile back. So after thinking long and hard about it…

We're gonna do another story together! Hey everyone. It's me: the amazing Miss Smackle! Back and ready to tell another amazing tale!

Yeah. But this time we both agreed on the story we were gonna tell ahead of time. The classic fairy tale we are going to read today is: Hansel and Gretel.

With some minor adjustments to make the story more appealing to modern audiences.

What kind of minor adjustments are you talking about?

Oh, you'll see.

Ahem. Once upon a time in a little forest there lived two children named Hansel and Gretel. The two children lived a happy life until one day their father, the town wood cutter, came home with some bad news. He was out of work.

And why was he out of work? Because there was no wood, for a wood cutter to cut. And if a wood cutter could not or would not wood cut wood, could it be that a wood cutter's wood cutter would cut wood?

What the heck does that mean?

It can be interpreted multiple ways. Some English majors believe it symbolizes the importance of why fezzes are cool.

That has nothing to… Let's just move along. So because Hansel and Gretel's father couldn't work, it also meant that they couldn't afford any food.

And for those wondering, the mother isn't present in this story because aliens abducted her several years prior. It's the crop circles in Canada man. They have the answers.

Meanwhile back in the narrative, Hansel and Gretel decided to look for food themselves.

They were able to leave the house without adult supervision because a science experiment involving peanut butter, dynamite, and a rubber duck went horribly wrong and caused their father to be put in the hospital for several weeks… and they also possibly destroyed the entire state of Wyoming.

So Hansel and Gretel went to look for food by themselves. And as they searched for food in the forest, they left a trail of bread crumbs to mark their way.

Of course they suddenly realized that if they were starving, then they should be eating those bread crumbs instead, because as we all know: survival is the most important thing on any child's mind, except when it's Valentine's Day and you're trying to ask a boy if he he'll be your boyfriend, only for him to reject you and break your heart and stomp it into a million billion pieces. BOBBY! The scars you inflicted upon me still haven't healed. Why didn't you hold my hand in Pre-K? WHY!?

So Hansel and Gretel were out of bread crumbs and they had lost their way. But suddenly they found…

A TIME MACHINE! And they used it to go back in time and use their mind control ray to make Bobby be nice to all of his female friends. That way a little girl's heart didn't get broken and her parents didn't have to pay a counselor to speak with her every week for eleven years! BOBBY! I hope you remain single for the rest of your life sipping apple juice all alone in South Dakota!

Actually Hansel and Gretel found an entire house made out of gingerbread.

Actually, if you read the nutrition facts label on the back of the house you'd realize it was actually made out of graham cracker, artificial coloring, lactic acid, malto-dextrin alkalide, bisulfate oxide, grade "A" milk emulsified, calcified synthetic salt, caramel, and sugar. All of the things women love in their sweets but know they can't have. Why must the female taste buds love what the rest of the body hates? What foul curse did our ancestors allow to be inflicted upon the otherwise perfect creature known as… the woman?

But the point was the house was made out things that Hansel and Gretel loved to eat. So they began to eat the gingerbread house. However, little did Hansel and Gretel realize that inside the gingerbread house watching them was an evil wicked witch. And as she watched them begin to eat her house, she began to think of a way to eat the two children.

WHOAH, WHOAH, WHOAH! The witch wanted to eat the two children? What's this story rated!? Are you sure this book is appropriate for children?

I found it in the children's section at the library.

Wow. They have stories this gripping and dramatic in the children's section? It's only now that I realize I may have been missing out on really good books from other sections of the library while I spent my entire childhood and teenage years focused only on the young adult romance section, hoping the literature from those heartwarming novels would fix the holes left in my heart from years of pain gone past. BOBBY! I hope your only companion in old age is a polka dancing grizzly bear from Taiwan!

Wow, you have some really some serious issues to resolve.

Hey this is nothing. You should see the huge book I wrote detailing my passionate feelings of pain and heartbreak that were inflicted upon me by you!

What!? But I thought when we broke up at the end of high school it was on very peaceful terms.

I lied. I secretly longed for your presence every day! Why did you leave me Farkle?! WHY!?

You became kind of insane after high school. What happened to the sweet smart girl I fell in love with back when I was fourteen?

She thought you were more attracted to bolder women who aren't afraid to speak their minds. So I thought if I became one, you'd liked me more. BUT YOU DIDN'T!

Smackle, you didn't have to change who you were for me to like you. I always pictured you as the perfect ideal woman of my life ever since we began high school together.

You really mean that Farkle? You really mean… Oh wait. There's a bunch of children listening to us expecting to hear the end of a story.

Oh right... Um… So the witch invited the children into her house for a meal.

But before the Witch could cook Hansel and Gretel, they figured out her plan and called the cops, and got her thrown in the slammer. THE END! So can we say the story is over now?

The story is over now.

Great, let's go out on a date now!

THE END!