-Once upon a time, two young after school leaders attempted to tell a story to a group of children. The following is a written transcript of their attempt.

Hello everyone. For those that haven't gotten to know us yet, my name is Mr. Farkle…

And I'm Miss Smackle! Your favorite teachers in the world are back and ready to make your day AWESOME!

Uh, yeah. And today…

We're gonna tell you all another amazing classic fairy tale!

Smackle, are you sure that's what's on the schedule?

Sure it is. It's National Appreciation for Samurai Pigeons from Greenland Day. It's tradition to tell a classic fairy tale on a day like this.

I… Wha… what does that have to do with…

Stop wasting these youngsters' precious time Farkle. It's either we tell a classic fairy tale now, or tradition dictates that we sacrifice a bar of chocolate to the first Portuguese lizard dressed as a Viking we come across.

I… ugg… well the next story we were gonna tell the kids was already picked out anyway. It's the classic fairy tale: Jack and the Beanstalk.

Excellent! This story shall do quite nicely… with a few alterations.

What was that?

Oh nothing that important.

Well… long ago there was a boy named Jack. He and his mother were very poor. So poor, the only thing left they had of value besides their home was a cow. So Jack was sent by his mom one day to sell the cow so they could make some money.

What!? Sell the cow!? This fairy tale has slavery!? Why are cows being bought and sold off in this world like they're just a bunch of cattle!?

Uh, because…

Cows have rights too people! This world needs equality. Why do the human supremacists take the milk of these creatures every day and then throw them in the barn like they're a bunch of animals!?

Because they…

I have a dream people, that all our little cows will one day live in a land where they will be judged not by the identification of their species, but by their ability to share pizza with their peers because that's what good friends do unlike stupid Courtney who grabbed more pizza than everybody else during Izzy's birthday party and didn't leave any of the plain or pepperoni slices for me, and I really didn't want a slice with anchovies because those slices are so icky! That was the worst day of first grade ever!

Well… meanwhile back in our story, Jack wanted to… allow his cow to service another family for a price. But then he met a business man on the road who said he'd take Jack's cow for some magic beans and…

Hold on! How did Jack and this man begin their business transaction? And Jack is a kid. Did his mom really send him off to the land of stranger danger!?

Well, you see…

I mean Jack is essentially meeting up with people he doesn't know and saying: Hey. I just met you. And this is crazy. I think I'm in danger. Cause I'm talking to a stranger.

Ugg. Look, Jack already knew who this person was and had permission from his mother to talk to him.

Ohhhhh. That makes sense.

So Jack gave over his cow for magic beans. He took them home and his mom was very upset about it.

Yeah. Because who brings home beans for dinner without the flavors? No one eats beans without the spices baby.

Yeah. So Jack's mom threw the beans outside. But then that night, the beans became a huge beanstalk that grew very large very quickly. It was so large that the top of the beanstalk went straight into the sky. And when Jack woke up and saw it the next morning, he decided to climb up the beanstalk.

He was inspired to take this daring high risk adventure because he was inspired by the stories he had heard of that young mermaid who had taken huge risks to live in the human world, and of that girl Alice who visited that strange wonder land.

Smackle, what are you talking about?

Oh. We're establishing the greater fairy tale universe. You know, planting connections that these characters coexist. Which will all lead up to the epic crossover tale where they shall combine forces to seek justice for their comrades that have fallen, as these avenging heroes assemble!

Anyway, Jack went up the beanstalk and discovered at the top: a large castle that floated around and moved with the clouds in the sky.

You mean like that moving castle that howled in the sky from that Japanese anime movie by Miyazaki?

No.

Eh, that's okay. That movie was a confusing mess anyway. I'd rather have a crossover with Spirited Away instead.

So anyway, Jack investigated the castle and saw in it were large amounts of food along with a magical goose that laid golden eggs. And as soon as Jack saw that goose, he knew he had to take it.

Hold on. Jack wants to steal the golden goose? Isn't that a bad idea?

What is it now? You're gonna go into the ethical implications of why Jack shouldn't be stealing from anyone?

Oh no. I know desperate times call for desperate measures. But a little boy sneaking around and potentially having to run away super quick from a giant like he's in an episode of The Benny Hill Show is a very bad idea. Jack isn't a master burglar with a cool invisibility device like Bilbo Baggins. He has to be much cleverer at getting his way.

And what's a more clever way for Jack to get what he wants?

Well you see, Jack calls the cops and says: Hello. I'd like to report a shady individual trying to live off the grid who hasn't been paying their taxes. Then a huge number of police officers with their giant robot suits to match the giants' height knock on his door and say: Sir, we've discovered you haven't been paying your proper dues to the government for quite some time. You're in big trouble now mister.

What?

So the police take possession of many of the giants' valuables and use them to kick start a proper program to help poor people in the country including Jack and his mother.

Well I guess that isn't such a bad way to end the…

But then the giant retaliates by calling on Godzilla and King Kong to help him seek vengeance. But then Jack uses the power of the super magic beans to open up portals to alternate dimensions and obtains assistance from the heroes of Robotech and Voltron: Defender of the Universe. Resulting in the most epic mecha vs kaiju fight ever!

Okay Smackle. This is just…

But then just as the fight reaches its' near end, the kaiju try hitting a smash ball that shows up out of nowhere from the Super Smash Brothers universe. However upon using it, it accidentally creates an explosion that hurts nearly all life on the planet except for mostly creatures that look like small horses that start to obtain magical powers, resulting in sadly within two generations: nearly all other species on the planet being wiped out. And that is how the world of My Little Pony was formed.

Okay. I'm done. If you need me, I'll be in the office.

Wait, Farkle. Is story time over then? Oh well. Don't worry kids. Next time we'll go into the sequel that reveals how Pinky Pie wound up becoming the great grandmother of Batman.

THE END