It was spring break in Forks again. When I woke up on Monday morning, I law in bed for a few seconds absorbing that. Last spring break, I'd been hunted by a vampire, too. I hoped this wasn't some kind of tradition forming.

Already I was falling into the pattern of things in La Push. I'd spent Sunday mostly on the beach, while Charlie hung out with Billy at the Blacks' house. I was supposed to be with Julie, but Julie had other things to do, so I wandered alone, keeping the secret from Charlie.

When Julie dropped in to check on me, she apologized for ditching me so much. She told me her schedule wasn't always this crazy, but until Victoria was stopped, the wolves were on red alert.

When we walked along the beach now, we always held hands.

This made me think about what Jared had said, about Julie involving her "girlfriend." I supposed that was exactly what it looked like from the outside. Yet, the truth was I didn't know what Julie and I were. We were friends—bestfriends. I trusted her implicitly, and I adored Julie. She meant so much to me, she had been so important in my healing process, and she accepted me for who I was—broken heart, and all. Did I mind that we looked like a couple from the outside? Even if it wasn't really true? I knew Julie would have loved for things to be what they appeared. Either way, her hand felt nice as it warmed mine, and I didn't protest.

I worked Tuesday afternoon—Julie followed me on her bike to make sure I arrived safely—and Makayla noticed.

"Are you dating that kid from La Push?" She asked, poorly disguising the resentment in her tone.

I shrugged. "Not in the technical sense of the word, I guess. I do spend most of my time with Julie, though. She's my best friend."

Makayla's eyes narrowed shrewdly. "Don't kid yourself, Bella. The girl's head over heels for you."

"I know," I sighed. "Life is complicated."

"And life is cruel," Makayla said under her breath.

I supposed that was an easy assumption to make, too.

That night, Sam and Emily joined Charlie and me for dessert at Billy's house. Emily brought a cake that would have won over a harder man than Charlie. I could see, as the conversation flowed naturally through a range of casual subjects, that any worries Charlie might have harbored about gangs in La Push were being dissolved.

Julie and I skipped out early, to get some privacy. We went out to her garage and sat in the Rabbit. Julie leaned her head back, her face drawn with exhaustion.

"You need some sleep, Julie." I ran my hand through her hair.

"I'll get around to it."

She reached up and took my hand in hers. Her skin was blazing on mine.

"Is that one of those wolf things?" I asked her. "The heat, I mean."

"Yeah. We run a little warmer than the normal people. About one-oh-eight, one-oh-nine. I never get cold anymore. I could stand like this"—she gestured to her almost bare torso—"in a snowstorm and it wouldn't bother me. The flakes would turn to rain where I stood."

"And you all heal fast—that's a wolf thing, too?"

"Yeah, wanna see? It's pretty cool." Her eyes flipped open and she grinned. She reached around me to the glove compartment and dug around for a minute. Her hand came out with a pocketknife.

"No, I do not want to see!" I practically shouted as soon as I realized what she was thinking. "Put that away!"

Julie chuckled, but shoved the knife back where it belonged. "Fine. It's a good thing we heal, though. You can't go see just any doctor when you're running a temperature that should mean you're dead."

"No, I guess not." I thought about that for a minute. "…And being so big—that's part of it? Is that why you're all worried about Quil?"

"That and the fact that Quil's grandfather says the kid could fry an egg on his forehead." Julie's face turned hopeless. "It won't be long now. There's no exact age… it just builds and builds and then suddenly—" She broke off, and it was a moment before she could speak again. "Sometimes, if you get really upset or something, that can trigger it early. But I wasn't upset about anything—I was happy." She laughed bitterly. "Because of you, mostly. That's why it didn't happen to me sooner. Instead it just kept on building inside of me—I was like a time bomb. You know what set me off? I got back from that movie and Billy said I looked weird. That was all, but I just snapped. And then I—I exploded. I almost ripped his face off—my own father!" She shuddered, and her face paled.

"Is it really bad, Julie?" I asked anxiously, wishing I had some way to help her. "Are you miserable?"

"No, I'm not miserable," she told me. "Not anymore. Not now that you know. That was hard, before." She leaned over so that her cheek was resting on top of my head. I instinctively moved into her chest, wrapping my arms around her waist.

She was quiet for a moment, and just held me gently. I wondered what she was thinking about.

"What's the hardest part?" I whispered, still wishing I could help.

"The hardest part is feeling… out of control," she said slowly. "Feeling like I can't be sure of myself—like maybe you shouldn't be around me, like maybe nobody should. Like I'm a monster who might hurt somebody. You've seen Emily. Sam lost control of his temper for just one second… and she was standing too close. And now there's nothing he can ever do to put it right again. I hear his thoughts—I know what that feels like…

"Who wants to be a nightmare, a monster?

"And then, the way it comes so easily to me, the way I'm better at it than the rest of them—does that make me even less human than Embry or Sam?"

"No, it makes you more awesome." I tried to smile, but it was hard.

I still felt a soft chuckle rumble in her chest. "Thanks, Bella." She sighed deeply after a moment. "Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm losing myself."

"Is it hard? To find yourself again?"

"At first," she said. "It takes some practice to phase back and forth. But it's easier for me."

"Why?" I wondered.

"Because Ephraim Black was my father's grandfather, and Quil Ateara was my mother's grandfather."

"Quil?" I asked in confusion.

"His great-grandfather," Julie clarified. "The Quil you know is my second cousin."

"But why does it matter who your great-grandfathers are?"

"Because Ephraim and Quil were in the last pack. Levi Uley was the third. It's in my blood on both sides. I never had a chance. Like Quil doesn't have a chance."

Her expression was bleak.

"What's the very best part?" I asked, hoping to cheer her up.

"The best part," she said, suddenly smiling again, "is the speed."

"Better than our motorcycles?"

She nodded, enthusiastic. "There's no comparison."

"How fast can you…?"

"Run?" she finished my question. "Fast enough. What can I measure it by? We caught… what was his name? Laurent? I imagine that means more to you than it would to someone else."

It did mean something to me. I couldn't imagine that—the wolves running faster than a vampire. When the Cullens ran, they all but turned invisible with speed.

"So, tell me something I don't know," she said. "Something about vampires. How did you stand it, being around them? Didn't it creep you out?"

"No," I leaned back to look at her face, "I guess it didn't."

Something about my tone made her thoughtful for a moment. She took my hand in hers again.

"Say, why'd your bloodsucker kill that James, anyway?" she asked suddenly.

"James was trying to kill me—it was like a game for him. He lost. Do you remember last spring when I was in the hospital down in Phoenix?"

Julie sucked in a breath. "He got that close?"

"He got very, very close." I stroked my scar. Julie noticed, because she held the hand I moved.

"What's that?" She traded hands, examining my right. "This is your funny scar, the cold one." She looked at it closer, with new eyes, and gasped.

"Yes, it's what you think it is," I said. "James bit me."

Her eyes bulged, and her face turned a strange, sallow color under the russet surface. She looked like she was about to be sick.

"But if he bit you…? Shouldn't you be…?" She choked.

"Edyth saved me twice," I whispered. "She sucked the venom out—you know, like with a rattlesnake." I twitched as the pain lashed around the edges of the hole.

But I wasn't the only one twitching. I could feel Julie's whole body trembling next to mine. Even the car shook.

"Careful, Julie. Easy." I put my hands on either side of her face. "Calm down, ok?"

"Yeah," she panted. "Calm." She looked straight into my eyes and took a few deep breaths. After a moment, only her hands were shaking.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, almost. Tell me something else. Give me something else to think about."

"What do you want to know?"

"I don't know." She had her eyes closed now, concentrating. "The extra stuff I guess. Did any of the other Cullens have… extra talents? Like the mind reading?"

I hesitated a second. This felt like a question she would ask of her spy, not her friend. But what was the point of hiding what I knew? It didn't matter now, and it would help her control herself.

"Jaspar could… sort of control the emotions or the people around him. Not in a bad way, just to calm someone down, that kind of thing. It would probably help Paul a lot," I added, teasing gently. "And then Alice could see things that were going to happen. The future, you know, but not absolutely. The things she saw would change when someone changed the path they were on…."

Like how she'd seen my dying… and she'd seen me becoming one of them. Two things that had not happened. It almost seemed like so long ago now, being here with Julie, it almost seemed like a whole different life. Almost, but not quite. For all the progress I had made, a part of me still ached if I thought too deeply about my old life with Edyth and her family. A part of me—my heart, probably—was still cracked, still a little broken. The breaks hadn't been enough to shatter me, but enough to still make me hurt.

"You're sad." Julie's hand reached up and stroked my cheek.

"How can you tell?" I asked, somewhat surprised. I thought I was keeping my emotions in check, at least outwardly.

"I can always tell with you," She wrapped her big arms around me. "I know you, Bella." She pulled me closer to her. "What's wrong?"

"It's hard to think about them too much," I confessed. "It hurts. It's like… It's like tapping on a bone that hasn't completely healed after a break… does that make sense?" It was surprising how much I could tell Julie now. We had no more secrets.

She smoothed my hair. "It's okay, Bella, it's okay. I won't bring it up again. I'm sorry."

"I'm fine." I breathed. "It happens. I'm just trying to heal, I guess." I relaxed into her arms. "But sometimes I worry that if I have one more break… That I'll just fall apart."

"We're a pretty messed-up pair, aren't we?" Julie said. "Neither one of us can hold our shape together right."

"Messed up, that's us," I agreed.

"At least we have each other," she said, clearly comforted by the thought.

I was comforted, too. "At least there's that," I smiled a little.

And when we were together, it was fine. But Julie had a horrible, dangerous job she felt compelled to do, and so I was often alone, stuck in La Push for safety, with nothing to do to keep my mind off any worries.

I thought about inviting Jeremy or Allen to come spend time with me on the beach, but the thought of putting them in danger made me feel sick to my stomach. A phone call was all I could bring myself to do. I pulled out my phone and sent Jeremy a text.

Hey, you up for a phone call? –Bella

I waited for his response, sitting on the porch of Billy's house. I felt awkward taking up space inside, and Billy wasn't one for much conversation so I preferred spending time outside. I didn't feel like sitting in the long, awkward silence with him.

My phone rang suddenly. The sound of it startled me—I wasn't use to it going off much these days.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Bella Swan," Jeremy's voice sounded vaguely annoyed. "long time."

"Yeah," I sighed. "I'm sorry, Jeremy."

"Oh, shut up," I could hear him smirk over the phone. "I'm teasing you. To be honest, I was getting worried about you. If I didn't know for a fact that you were spending time with your friend, Julie, I would have been seriously worried!"

"Julie's been great." I admitted. "She's kept me… above water, I guess."

"I'm glad, Bella." He sounded genuine.

"But, that's not really an excuse for not talking to you much lately."

"Oh, Belbell," he sighed, "I mean, I totally appreciate that—like, it's really sweet of you to say…" He paused. "But I still see you at school, and a few texts here and there. I'm good, Bella. Don't worry about it!"

"Thank you, Jeremy," I felt a bit of a lump in my throat. "I mean it."

"If you're doing good, if you're still doing okay then that's all that really matters. I know it's been hard."

"Yeah, it has." I sighed.

"But Julie's been helping?"

"So much." I smiled, thinking about her.

"Oh, yeah?" I could hear the amusement in his voice. "That's very nice to hear."

"Knock it off, Stanley." I smirked.

"Come on, Swan," he laughed. "You've been spending all your time with her, and I can hear it in your voice when you talk about her."

"What in my voice?"

he laughed. "Tell me when you figure it out, and we can talk about it then."

I was confused, I wasn't sure what he meant. Did my voice change that much when I talked about Julie? Was it so noticeable?

Jeremy and I talked for about an hour. he gracefully changed the subject from me and Julie to the various gossip going around at school, catching me up on everything I had missed. Allen and Becca had gone on a few dates, Lauren and Taylor. Logan was as awful as ever. It all felt so mundane, so everyday… so normal.

After we said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone, I was immediately overwhelmed by the feeling of loneliness. I promised myself I would spend more time with Jeremy, Allen and all my friends at school when everything was sorted out.

I tried hanging out at Emily's place Wednesday afternoon, for a change. It was kind of kind of nice. Emily was a cheerful person who never sat still. I drifted behind her while she flitted around her little house and yard, scrubbing at the spotless floor, pulling a tiny weed, fixing a broken hinge, tugging a string of wool through an ancient loom, and always cooking, too. She complained lightly about the increase in the packs' appetites from all their extra running, but it was easy to see she didn't mind taking care of them.

"It's nice," she said suddenly. "Having someone who worries as much as I do."

"Yeah," I said quietly. "I feel like they don't worry enough."

"They don't." She shrugged. "But that's them for you, I suppose."

"I know they're confident, but still…"

"You don't need to tell me," she sighed. "But that's what I signed up for, I suppose."

"Yeah," I nodded solemnly. "Me too."

"Did you?"

I was surprised by her question.

When I didn't speak, she continued, her face solemn. "Yes, you're here. But is this a life you could commit to?" her scarred hand twitched slightly and I was unsure if it was a conscious movement or not. "It's a lot of worrying, and a lot of danger."

I thought about her question for a long minute. "I'd be a hypocrite if I said the danger was a deal breaker, wouldn't I?"

I could see the hint of a smile on the un-scarred corner of her mouth.

"I guess we're both part of the pack, in our own ways." I shrugged.

"You're an interesting person, Bella." Emily smiled at me, and I smiled back.

Sam showed up then to check in. I only stayed long enough to hear if Julie was fine and if there was any news, and then I excused myself. I wanted to give them a moment alone. I knew that every brief moment they had was precious, and they didn't need me hanging around.

I decided to go wander the beach, pacing the length of the rocky crescent back and forth, again and again.

Alone time wasn't good for me. Thanks to the new honesty with Julie, I'd been talking and thinking about the Cullens way too much and it was still—still, even after all this time—too soon to give them that. No matter how I tried to distract myself—and I had plenty to think of: I was honestly and desperately worried about Julie and her wolf-brothers, I was terrified for Charlie and the others who thought they were hunting animals, I was getting in deeper and deeper with Julie without ever having consciously decided to progress in that direction—none of these very real, very deserving of thought, very pressing concerns could take my mind entirely off the pain I felt in my heart and I hated it. I wondered if maybe almost losing Julie before we had made up had set me back. Maybe in my panic of losing her I had let myself slip back into old habits and old heartbreaks. I was beyond frustrated with myself, beyond angry with my heart. I sat down on a patch of semidry rocks and hugged my knees close to my chest.

Julie found me like that, and I could tell from her expression that she knew how upset I was.

"Sorry," she said right away. She pulled me up from the ground and wrapped both arms around my shoulders. I hadn't realized how cold I was until then. Her warmth made me shudder, but I was grateful for it.

"I'm ruining your spring break," Julie accused herself as we walked back up the beach.

"No, you're not. I didn't have any plans. I don't think I like spring breaks, anyway."

"I'll take tomorrow morning off. The others can run without me. We'll do something fun."

The word seemed almost out of place in my life right now. "Fun?"

"Fun is exactly what you need. Hmm…" she gazed out across the heaving gray waves, deliberating. As her eyes scanned the horizon, she had a flash of inspiration.

"Got it!" she crowed. "Another promise to keep."

"What are you talking about?"

She let go of my hand and pointed toward the southern edge of the beach, where the flat, rocky half-moon dead-ended against the sheer sea cliffs. I stared, uncomprehending.

"Didn't I promise to take you cliff diving?"

I shivered.

"Yeah, it'll be pretty cold—not as cold as it is today. Can you feel the weather changing? The pressure? It will be warmer tomorrow. You up for it?"

The dark water did not look inviting, and, from this angle, the cliffs looked even higher than before.

But a small part of me was thrilled by the idea. The idea that, for as helpless and not in control of my life as I felt, I could grapple it all head on; I could be brave, and adventurous. I could step outside of my normal limitations of comfort and do something so insane as hurl myself from a cliff into the dark waters below. Why not do it? I had wanted to once and I was tired of being afraid all the time. I wanted to be brave.

"Okay, sure. I'm up for it."

"It's a date," Julie smiled, and draped her arm around my shoulders.

"A date," I repeated. "Now, let's go get you some sleep." I didn't like the way the circles under her eyes were beginning to look permanently etched into her skin.

I woke early the next morning and snuck a change of clothes out to the truck. I had a feeling that Charlie would approve of today's plan just about as much as he would approve of the motorcycle.

The idea of a distraction from all my worries had me almost excited. Maybe it would be fun. A date with Julie. I felt the strangest sense of excitement in the pit of my stomach; a thrill, almost. I realized I was looking forward to the idea of a date with Julie. As soon as I named the emotion as excitement, I felt a strange twinge of guilt. Guilt for my excitement, guilt because I was willing to acknowledge our day together as an actual date. I couldn't understand why I felt that way. I was unattached to anyone, I had every right to go on a date with a girl. So why did I suddenly now feel like it was a breach in trust? A horrible thing? Julie could say what she wanted about us being a messed-up pair—I was the one who was truly messed up. I made the werewolf seem downright normal.

I expected Julie to meet me out front, the way she usually did when my noisy truck announced my arrival. When she didn't, I guessed that she might still be sleeping. I would wait—let her get as much rest as she could. She needed her sleep, and that would give the day time to warm a bit more. Julie had been right about the weather, though; it had changed in the night. A thick layer of clouds pressed heavily on the atmosphere now, making it almost sultry; it was warm and close under the gray blanket. I left my sweater in the truck.

I knocked quietly on the door.

"C'mon in, Bella," Billy said.

He was at the kitchen table, eating cold cereal.

"Julie sleeping?"

"Er, no." He set his spoon down, and his eyebrows pulled together.

"What happened?" I felt my stomach drop. I could tell from his expression that something had happened.

"Embry, Jared, and Paul crossed a fresh trail early this morning. Sam and Julie took off to help. Sam was hopeful—the redhead's hedged herself in beside the mountains. Sam thinks they have a good chance to finish this."

"Oh, no, Billy," I whispered. "Oh, no."

He chuckled, deep and low. "Do you really like La Push so well that you want to extend your sentence here?"

"Don't make jokes, Billy. This is too scary for that."

"You're right," he agreed, still complacent. His ancient eyes were impossible to read. "This one's tricky."

I bit my lip.

"It's not as dangerous for them as you think it is. Sam knows what he's doing. You're the one that you should worry about. The vampire doesn't want to fight them. She's just trying to find a way around them… to you."

"How does Sam know what he's doing?" I demanded, brushing aside his concern for me. "They've only killed just the one vampire—that could have been luck."

"We take what we do very seriously, Bella. Nothing's been forgotten. Everything they need to know has been passed down from father to son for generations."

That didn't comfort me the way he had intended it to. The memory of Victoria, wild catlike, lethal, was too strong in my head. If she couldn't get around the wolves, she would eventually try to go through them. I felt the panic rising in my chest.

Billy went back to his breakfast; I sat down on the sofa and flipped aimlessly through the TV channels. That didn't last long. I tried to steady my breathing, but the small room was making me feel claustrophobic. I needed to see the outside.

"I'll be at the beach," I told Billy abruptly, and hurried out the door.

Being outside didn't help as much as I'd hoped. The clouds pushing down with an invisible weight that kept the claustrophobia from easing. The forest seemed strangely vacant as I walked toward the beach. I didn't see any animals—no birds, no squirrels. I couldn't hear any birds, either. The silence was eerie; there wasn't even the sound of wind in the trees.

I knew it was all just a product of the weather, but it still added to the threat of a rising panic attack. The heavy, warm pressure of the atmosphere was perceptible even to my average human sense, and it hinted at something major in the storm department. A glance at the sky backed this up; the clouds were churning sluggishly despite the lack of breeze on the ground. The closest grounds were a smoky gray, but between the cracks I could see another layer that was a gruesome purple color. The skies had a ferocious plan in store for today. The animals must be bunkering down.

As soon as I reached the beach, I wished I hadn't come—I'd already had enough of this place. I'd been here almost every day, wandering alone. Was it so much different from my nightmares? But where else to go? I trudged down to the driftwood tree, and sat at the end so that I could lean against the tangled roots. I stared up at the angry sky, fighting my uneven breaths. I waited for the first drops to break the unbearable stillness.

I tried not to think about the danger Julie and her friends were in. Because nothing could happen to Julie. The thought was unendurable. I'd lost too much already—would fate take one of the best things to happen to me since having my heart broken? That seemed unfair, out of balance. But maybe I'd violated some unknown rule, crossed some line that had condemned me. I was reminded of the guilt I felt that morning. Maybe this was my punishment. Maybe it was wrong to be so involved with myths and legends. Maybe…

No. Nothing would happen to Julie. I had to believe that or I wouldn't be able to function.

"Argh!" I groaned, and jumped off the log. I couldn't sit still; it was worse pacing.

Why today did my heart decide to remind me of those cracks? The breaks that hadn't fully healed. Was it because I dared to be try and truly be happy again? Was it because I was at risk of completely moving on? Julie wasn't here to take my mind off the cracks, and they ached with every breath.

The waves picked up as I paced, beginning to crash against the rocks, but there was still no wind. I felt pinned down by the pressure of the storm. Everything swirled around me, but it was perfectly still where I stood. The air had a faint electric charge—I could feel the static in my hair.

Farther out, the waves were angrier than they were along the shore. I could see them battering against the line of the cliffs, spraying big white clouds of sea foam into the sky. There was still no movement in the air, though the clouds roiled more quickly now. It was eerie looking—like the clouds were moving by their own will. I shivered, though I knew it was just a trick of the pressure.

The cliffs were a black knife edge against the livid sky. Staring at them, I remembered the day Julie had told me about Sam and his "gang." I thought of the boys—the werewolves—throwing themselves into the empty air. The image of the falling, spiraling figures was still vivid in my mind. I imagined the utter freedom of the fall… What I wouldn't give feel that freedom, to be so carefree, to not feel the mounting panic in my chest.

There had to be some way to calm myself. Some way to free myself of this pain. It was growing more and more intolerable by the second. I glared at the cliffs and the crashing waves.

Before I realized it, I was sprinting back along the beach to my truck.

Julie had promised me cliff diving. She had promised me a date. I so desperately needed that distraction—needed it even worse because Julie was out risking her life for me. If it weren't for me, Victoria would not be killing people here. The wolves would not be running. Julie would be safe. If anything happened to Julie, it would be my fault. That realization stabbed deep. The cracks in my heart flared anew. The panic was nearly unavoidable.

I was in my truck, driving as fast as it could handle. I wasn't even sure where I was going. I couldn't do this again. I couldn't have another breakdown. The storm was moving in quickly now. How fitting it was. The brewing storm seemed to match the storm inside of my body. Churning, building, and threatening to explode. I shouldn't have been driving. I was in no state. I slammed the breaks and skidded to a stop just off the road. I collapsed into the steering wheel. My breathing erratic.

When I looked up, I realized I had driven to the cliffs. I felt an irresistible pull. What was I doing? I sighed—or, rather, tried to sigh; it came out more of a whimper. I would wait here at the cliffs for Julie. That's what I would do. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to call Billy and leave a message for Julie. I was having a hard time focusing. The world was starting to minutely shift before my eyes. I was dizzy, and I needed to get out of my truck.

The wind was finally beginning to touch me, the clouds pressing closer to the ground. I realized I was trudging along the path towards the cliff's edge. Julie would find me here, and everything would be fine. I had called Billy, hadn't I? I couldn't remember but my phone wasn't in my pocket anymore. Just as I reached the place where the dirt path fanned out into the stone precipice, the first drops broke through and splattered on my face.

Why now? Had I been pushing down all these emotions? This panic? Maybe Victoria's dangerous proximity had triggered this. The thoughts flew through my head at dangerous speeds. I thought of my friends, my poor friends who had been so patient. Especially Jeremy and Allen. I thought of the pack, out running to protect everyone and putting themselves in danger. I thought of Charlie who was so worried about me since my last breakdown, Charlie who cared so much about me. I thought of Julie. Sweet, warm, wonderful Julie who was out running with her brothers to protect me. Risking her life, running on no sleep. Yes, it was her duty as a member of the pack but I knew the truth, she was running for me. The panic was verging on hysteria now.

And all this, all this danger, was all because of the Cullens. If they had never come to Forks, then maybe the La Push kids wouldn't have become a part of the pack. They could all be normal Kids, chasing girls, going to school, whatever it was they had wanted before their lives were decided for them. Poor Sam would be happy with sweet Emily and she wouldn't wear the scars of his momentary failure. Maybe I would have learned to be content with Forks and my friends at school on my own. Charlie wouldn't have had to go through the heartbreak of nearly losing me in Phoenix or watch me fall apart.

The wind blew stronger now, whipping the rain into eddies around me.

And there it was. If I had never met Edyth Cullen maybe, just maybe, I would have had a normal life. Maybe I wouldn't have had my heart broken. Or, at least, not broken so very severely. How could I have been so foolish as to let her have so much power over me? How could I have let her break me so completely? It destroyed me, even now after all this time, that she could do that to me. I dared to think that maybe—if things had been different—I would have ended up with some sweet, kind,normal girl.

I had wandered close to the edge of the cliff now; my eyes had been locked on the horizon but now I glanced down at the empty space in front of me. My toes were barely caressing the edge of the rocks. I thought of the freedom I had been so excited for this morning. The careless joy of diving from the cliffs with Julie.

Julie. Maybe I could have been happy with… I drew in a deep breath and held it.

"Bella."

My eyes flew open and I stumbled back away from the cliff edge. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Everything came crashing back to reality. The panic subsided, my breathing became more regular.

No.I didn't answer out loud. I couldn't acknowledge that voice. That horrible, torturing illusion of a voice. She sounded so real, so close. Every memory I had tried so hard to let go of her voice—the velvet texture and the musical intonations—came flooding to the surface.

"Bella, stay back from the edge," she pleaded.

Why?I asked the voice why can't I be careless? Why can't I be free of you?

"Please, Bella."

No, she didn't get to tell me what to do anymore. She didn't get to hold such power over me—not anymore. I was going to be free of her. I would be free of Edyth Cullen. I looked back at the cliff edge. Freedom, carelessness.

"Don't do this," the voice pleaded.

Why not? I need to be done with this.I mentally sighed in response.

"Please. For me."

Edyth didn't get to ask anything of me. Not even the memory of the memory of her.

I took a defiant step toward the cliff. I had to be crazy, but I couldn't help but think that taking that dive represented something. Represented me letting go of everything. It represented me being truly, unabashedly brave.

"No, Bella!" her voice was angry now, a tinge of desperation in the tone.

"You wanted me to be human," I reminded her. "Well, watch me."

I would be brave and I would be free. I would be free of the fear, I would be free of the anxiety, but most of all—and most importantly—I would be free of Edyth Cullen.

I took a deep breath.

And I flung myself off the cliff.

I let out a loud cry of shock as the exhilaration of what I was doing rushed through me. The wind resisted, trying vainly to fight the unconquerable gravity, pushing against me and twirling me in spirals like a rocket crashing to the earth.

Yes!The word echoed through my head as I sliced through the surface of the water. It was icy, colder than I'd feared, and yet the chill only added to my high.

I was proud of myself as I plunged deeper into the freezing black water. I hadn't had one moment of terror—just pure adrenaline. Really, the fall wasn't scary at all. It was cleansing.

I surfaced and gasped in air. I looked up at the cliff that, only moments before, I had been on top of. It was taller than I had thought. I felt a bit of guilt then; it had been stupid of me to jump from so high. I was so wrapped up in my head that I hadn't even realized it.

I only had the briefest of moments to consider the dangers of such a high jump before I was suddenly back under the dark water. A wave had crashed into me with all the force and anger of the storm.

And then the current caught me.

I'd been so preoccupied by my thoughts, my anxiety, that I hadn't even considered the danger of the dark water waiting below.

It felt like the waves were fighting over me, jerking me back and forth between them as if determined to share by pulling me into halves. I knew the right way to avoid a riptide: swim parallel to the beach rather than struggling for the shore. But the knowledge did me little good when I didn't know which way the shore was.

I couldn't even tell which way the surface was.

The angry water was black in every direction; there was no brightness to direct me upward. Gravity was all-powerful when it competed with the air, but it had nothing on the waves—I couldn't feel a downward pull, a sinking in any direction. Just the battering of the current that flung me round and round like a rag doll.

I fought to keep my breath in, to keep my lips locked around my last store of oxygen.

It didn't help that my delusion of Edyth was there. Of course, she would be there, if I was dying. Ironic, almost, since that was whole reason she left me. I was surprised by how sure that knowledge was. I was going to drown. I was drowning.

"Keep swimming!" Edyth begged urgently in my head.

This was cruel. Did I really, deep down, hate myself so much that I'd conjure some phantom version of Edyth to feign care for me in my last moments?

"Stop that!" she ordered. "Don't you dare give up!"

The cold of the water was numbing my arms and legs. I didn't feel the buffeting so much as before. It was more of just a dizziness now, a helpless spinning in the water.

But I wouldn't die here, not like this. I forced my arms to continue reaching, my legs to kick harder, though every second I was facing a new direction. It couldn't be doing any good.

"Fight!" she yelled. "Damn it, Bella, keep fighting."

I'm trying, dammit. Just leave me alone.

I felt myself fading. I couldn't fight much longer. How stupid was I? How could I have been so selfish. I'd survived a vampire attack—vampire venom! Now I was going to drown because I had to prove something to myself. Idiot.

I thought briefly of the clichés, about how you were supposed to see your life flash before your eyes. It was so much more heartbreaking than that.

I saw everyone I loved. I saw Jeremy and Allen, my sweet friends. I saw my mom, crying over me. Charlie, broken and destroyed by this. I saw Julie—my Julie—sweet, laughing, holding her hand out to me.

I saw her, and I knew it was the end. It was so clear, so much more defined than any memory. My subconscious had stored Edyth away in exact detail. A mental representation of everything I hadn't let go of. I could see her beautiful face as if she were really there; the exact shade of her icy skin, the shape of her lips, the line of her jaw, the gold glinting in her eyes.

"Bella…"

My ears flooded with the freezing water, but her voice was clearer than ever. If nothing else, in this final moment, I would let her go. I would truly be free of her and make my peace with everything that had happened. Even as my lungs burned for more air and my legs cramped in the icy cold, I felt a strange sense of ease.

The current won at that moment, shoving me abruptly against something hard, a rock, invisible in the gloom. It hit me solidly across the chest, slamming into me like an iron bar, and the breath whooshed out of my lungs, escaping in a thick cloud of silver bubbles. Water flooded down my throat, choking and burning. The iron bar seemed to be dragging me, pulling me down, deeper into the dark, ocean floor.

Goodbye, Edyth, was my last thought.

this chapter took alot of rewriting as bella doesn't jump off the clift for the same reason but hope you guys liked it.