-Once upon a time, two young after school leaders attempted to tell a story to a group of children. The following is a written transcript of their attempt.
Hello everyone. For those that haven't gotten to know us yet, my name is Mr. Farkle. And apologies that we're breaking the norm of your regularly scheduled events you experience here.
But since Miss Maya is out today helping take care of her wife who is recovering in the hospital, we thought we'd do something different, yet super fun today. By the way, I'm Miss Smackle.
Yeah. So with fewer adult leaders at the program today, we thought we'd just keep you all entertained this afternoon with some good old fashioned story time.
With minor changes added into our classic stories as a means to appeal to our target demographic groups.
Smackle, we don't have demographic groups.
That's what the Ninja Wombats of Antarctica want you to think.
I… I don't even know how to react to that.
You can react by letting me make alterations to the story wherever I see fit.
Whatever. So today we're going to share with you all the story of the Three Little Pigs. Now, long ago there lived three little pigs who one day told their mother that they were ready to live on their own.
Hold on. How can the pigs talk?
It's a fairy tale Smackle. They just do.
But you said this story took place long ago. That infers this story took place in the past of our world. Can we say this story took place in an alternate universe?
Why would I want to bother with a detail like that?
Because if you don't, then many impressionable children here will start to believe that pigs have the ability to talk, and when they go visit a farm one day, they'll be very displeased to learn pigs don't talk, which will inspire those children to turn into mad scientists that start to do genetic engineering on pigs in an attempt to actually make them talk so that they can make their childhood dreams come true, but of course tinkering with the genetic code of pigs would only eventually inspire those aforementioned individuals to want to commit all sorts of other crimes against nature, which would eventually lead to a domino effect that would wipe away everything that exists on our planet including all traces of our culture except for the Statue of Liberty and a bunch of monkeys!
Okay. So this story takes place in an alternate universe where animals can talk.
Thank you for clarifying that.
Anyway… these three pigs wanted to live on their own. So they decided to all build their own houses. The first pig built his house out of straw. The second pig built his house out of sticks. The third pig built his house out of bricks.
Yes. And there's a reason why those first two pigs built their houses out of materials that aren't very good to build with.
Well, yeah Smackle. That's actually an important part of the story. I'm glad you pointed it out. Now the reason why the first two pigs made their houses out of straw and sticks was…
Was because they had fallen on hard economic times due the terrible state of the country they lived in.
What?
Yeah. I mean that's the real reason why they left their mother to live on their own in the first place. She couldn't afford to feed them anymore. If she could, they would've been living out of her basement until they were 45. So they unfortunately had no cash lying around. That's why the first two pigs had to build their houses out of cheap material. Now you may be wondering how the third pig was able to afford to make his house out of bricks. Well basically he won the lottery but didn't want to share his winnings with his family. The jerk!
All right. But the point is, the pigs were living in three different houses made of three different types of materials. But then one day, a Big Bad Wolf came to town. And he wanted to eat those three little pigs.
Because the only fast food place in town was Chick-Fil-A, and the wolf really was only craving bacon that day.
So the big bad wolf went to the house made of straw. He knocked on the first pig's door and said: Little pig, little pig, let me in.
And as the first pig stood scared and realized his life was soon to end, he began to flashback to when he first met Elsa the Snow Queen and their amazing adventure they had where he learned that when it comes to your fears, you just have to let it go, and should instead ask all of your friends if they wanna build a snowman.
Hold on. What are you doing?
Having a flashback moment. All the best modern stories have them now. Wait'll we get to the part where we discover the first little pig once had a trans-dimensional adventure where he finally discovered the secrets as to why 10 year olds in the Pokémon world never age!
Whatever. Let's just move on. So the pig of course tells the wolf that he can't come in. So the wolf says: Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down. And with a large puff of wind the wolf made from his mouth, he blew the house over.
And of course, the second pig had been watching everything from afar this whole time and saw how that evil wolf senselessly ruined his brother's life. And that was when the second pig decided to dedicate his life to stopping crime.
What?
So by the time the wolf got to the second pig's house and said: Little pig, little pig, let me in, he heard the second pig say: Some little piggys go to market. Some little piggys go home. Some little piggys got roast beef. BUT THIS LITTLE PIGGY IS PACKIN! Then the pig opened the door to the house showing he was holding two HUGE laser guns. The pig pointed them at the wolf and then declared: My name is Inigo Pig Toya. You killed my brother. Prepare to die!
Smackle, what are you doing to this story!?
IMPROVING IT! So then the wolf laughed at his adversary and said: You believe a pig like you can defeat me? The pig smiled and replied: In the words of the cutest sitcom character ever – Michelle Tanner… YOU GOT IT DUDE!
But getting things back on track: the wolf simply huffed and puffed and blew the second pig and his house down. Then the wolf moved on to the third pig's house. And when he got there…
The third pig walked out of his house with two even larger laser guns, and then declared to the wolf… One shall stand. One shall fall. The wolf looked at the pig in hate as he replied: Why throw away your life so recklessly? The pig then simply said: That's a question you should ask yourself Big Bad Wolf.
Hold on! Smackle, what the heck is going on in this story now?
The greatest battle of the century! So the pig and the wolf fought with their laser guns and fists. Eventually they were near the edge of a cliff. Despite both being weakened, the wolf now had the upper hand as he looked at his pig opponent. As the wolf prepared for his final blow, he said: Grr. I would've waited an eternity for this. It's over little pig. Then the little pig put both of his fists together and yelled: NOT BY THE HAIRS ON MY CHINNY CHIN CHIN! And then with his last ounce of strength, the pig pushed the wolf off of the cliff. At last, the little pig had finally honored the memory of his fallen brothers. And that… is where our story ends.
Oh good. Well at least we can stop now before…
Until we get to the sequel where a giant transforming planet turns the Big Bad Wolf into a new villain known as Galva Wolf. But luckily a new hero known as Rodimus Piggy steps up and shows that he has the touch, and he has the power!
Okay. I'm not even doing anything anymore. I'm leaving.
Wait. Farkle. You're going home early? But what about your next story? I thought you were gonna tell the kids all about Sleeping Beauty.
Another time. Besides… it would probably just end with you explaining how the prince was secretly a Pikachu in disguise the whole time.
Wait. You knew that too? Awesome!
THE END