The One that Came off Worse

Hayner's arms looked great as he held the blue bat steady. I was quick off my feet but Hayner hesitated.

I wanted to put him at ease. 'It's weird that we're head to head, isn't it?'

'We sparred a lot,' said Hayner. 'It's not much different.'

'I guess,' I admitted. 'I don't wanna hurt you, baby. You're the best boyfriend I've ever had.'

Hayner began circling me. I think he felt better because he chided me. 'You mean the only boyfriend you've ever had.'

I made for an obvious strike, which he blocked. 'True, man. Harsh, but true.'

Hayner's brown eyes met mine. 'You ready for me to prove my love?'

'If you're still sure,' I said.

Hayner shrugged. I saw him looking over to Pence and Olette in the crowd. In fact I couldn't see Pence, but Olette waved at us animatedly. Everyone was cheering.

Something caught my eye, way up high. A white, flowing dress and a black figure in a long coat beside it. I squinted and made out the shapes of Naminé and Axel watching from a rooftop. I could almost see Naminé's serene smile as she watched me. Axel mouthed something and tapped his temple. I couldn't make out what he was saying, but I think it was encouraging. It was weird seeing them both up there. Black and white. Light and dark. Surreal, almost.

That was enough whimsy. I brought my focus back on the ring. Hayner was still watching Olette's dance of encouragement.

'You seem pretty distracted, Hayner.'

He looked over. 'You seem pretty distracted yourself.'

I looked back up to Naminé and Axel's vantage point. They had vanished.

Hayner's bat stung at my thigh and took out my first orb.

'Hey!' I slashed back at him, but he blocked me. 'So much for holding back, huh?'

'I am holding back. Gotta make it look real, right?' He winked at me.

'Yeah, Ok.' I went to strike him as he stepped away. He had left himself open, but I decided to pass this one up. I stumbled forward and clumsily struck at the ground.

Smash! Hayner's bat caught my side, taking a second orb.

I stayed still, crouched on the ground and looked up at him. I wanted Hayner to do well. I wanted him to know what I felt for him too, but it worried me that he didn't seem to be keeping his word.

He bared his white teeth, cheshire-like.

I leapt to my feet and rushed at him. He stepped back as I advanced.

'Two down, Hayner. Just three to go,' I said.

'Yeah, come on, Roxas,' he taunted me. 'Step up your game.'

'What if I don't step up my game? What if you beat me?' I asked. 'What would happen then?'

'Dunno, man,' he replied.

My sneakers squeaked against the ground as I circled him. Hayner had this faraway look in his eye as I lunged. I took an orb off his belt. He finally seemed to wake up and took a swipe at me too, taking one off me.

I leapt out the way and doubled round. 'I've got two left, Hayner.'

He still looked distant. 'I know.'

'I don't think you're holding back.'

'Am too,' he replied.

I went for him again. Instead of lunging this time, I feinted an attack on the left, which he went to block, giving me an opening. I struck him on the right, taking out his second orb.

He went for me almost immediately. He looked to my left side, but he pretended to go for my right. I could read him. I caught his real attack and blocked with my bat. I grunted as our bats locked together. He was stronger than me, I'll give him that. I never could resist those damn biceps. I shifted my feet to a better stance and pushed against his bat, throwing him off balance, allowing me to swipe away his third orb.

'Two left each, man.' I wiped sweat from my forehead. 'You're still not holding back.'

Hayner's voice was whiny. 'Can't you let me win for once?'

'But you made a promise.'

'You always get to win, Roxas.'

'That's not true!' I advanced at him.

Hayner backstepped. 'You're tougher than me. You're better at skateboarding. Hell, even Seifer was impressed by you.' He lowered his bat a little and said in a small voice. 'And Olette wanted you.'

'You're jealous of me?' I tried to catch his eye, but he wouldn't look at me. 'I thought we were boyfriends, Hayner. I thought we could do this together!'

'I–' he hesitated. 'We are. Just cut me a break for once.'

'I think you're lying. I think you know what you really want.'

Now he looked me in the eye. We were circling each other. 'Oh yeah?'

'I think you're not interested in me anymore. I think you've got your eye on someone else.'

'Not true.' He went for me. Our blue bats locked together again.

'Then hold back.' I grunted.

'No. I won't let you win. I'm fed up of it, Roxas. I wanna win for once.'

'Hold back!' My forearm burned as I pushed against him.

'I just want a fair fight.'

I gritted my teeth. 'Fine. I'll show you a fair fight!'

It took me two steps and a single swipe to get my hit in.

'Ow!' he said and swung back at me. He feinted, which I guessed. Feinted again, which took me off-guard and then he actually went for me. I thought I sidestepped well enough but he just caught the side of my belt and my second-to-last orb.

I sprang around on the balls of my feet.

Hayner's sweaty, furrowed brow betrayed a mixture of pain and determination.

I didn't want us to fight. I wanted everything to be Ok. I wanted our bond to last through the summer and beyond. 'I really love being with you, Hayner,' I said through shallow breaths. I didn't mean to get so emotional during a stupid struggle match, but the situation was forcing it out of me. I started to feel choked up.

Hayner bit his lip. His scowl was resolute as he charged at me. I charged at him too. I ducked and sidestepped around him at the last minute. We were inches away from each other, except I was in the right spot to swipe up at the final orb on the back of his belt. My bat caught it and sent it flying out of the ring like a baseball.

Hayner looked down at his empty belt with his mouth open.

The referee declared me winner. I was given the glass trophy and the crowd went crazy.

I wanted to feel good about the win, but all the time in the back of my mind the reality of what happened was there. Hayner was stood beside me but I couldn't look at him. He didn't hold back. He broke his promise.

I spent just enough time with the others to collect my skateboard.

'Congrats!' said Pence.

'That was such a good fight!' Olette added.

Hayner clapped me on the shoulder weakly. He didn't look at me as he said, 'Good job I let him win.'

Pence laughed.

I tried to catch Hayner's eye. His expression was unreadable but he knew damn well he didn't let me win.

I dropped my skateboard to the ground and rolled away. 'Laters,' I said.

They called after me. I didn't look back.

I skated away from the plaza, through Market Street, with the damn trophy under my arm. I hate to admit it, but it hurt me what he did. It made me feel all dark inside, like my stomach was screwing itself up into a tight ball.

If Hayner hadn't kept his promise then what did that mean for us? I knew the answer to that question and I didn't want to think on it. I climbed the steps up the clock tower, put down my treasures and sat at the edge.

The crowds were starting to disperse but there was still a buzz downtown.

I let out a long sigh. I don't know why but I had a strong urge to smoke, drink or do something reckless. It was stupid really. Hayner had said he would hold back in the fight for me. It was a romantic gesture because I'd been feeling insecure. Because I felt like our love wasn't real. He said he'd do it for me and it made me feel good. But was I right to even expect that of him? Was I kidding myself that it could work between us? Was I kidding myself that it could ever work between me and another boy? Maybe Naminé was right. Maybe I really was heartless. I looked down at my feet, dangling over the side. It all seemed so futile.

I heard footsteps beside me. For a moment I imagined it was Axel, come to shove another ice lolly in my face. I looked up.

'Oh it's you.'

Hayner flattened his blond hair back awkwardly. 'Can I sit with you?'

'No.'

He sat down anyway, leaving a couple of feet between us. He also looked down over the edge at his sneakers and the people below. His sleeveless jacket flapped in the breeze. 'Dude. I fucked up.'

'You broke your promise.' I said simply.

'Yeah.' He took a long sigh. 'Look. There's something I gotta tell you. It's easier if I just say it. I'm jealous of you. I've had a hard time figuring out whether I wanted to be you or whether I wanted to be with you.

'Yeah, I got that during the fight. You seemed pretty ticked off with me.'

'Not with you, Roxas.' He looked me in the eye. 'I'm pissed off with myself. I keep asking myself why can't I be as tough as you? You were outed to the whole class and you just shrugged it off. Seifer's gang are our biggest rivals and yet they're dead impressed with you. It's like you're this amazing guy...' his voice trailed off.

'And Olette asked me out,' I added.

He threw his hands up. 'Yeah.'

We watched the town below for some time. 'You have a great body,' I said. 'I try to do arm workouts but I just get bored and I never see a difference anyway.'

Hayner laughed.

'It's true. Everyone at school likes you. Everyone in our gang looks up to you.' Recognition seemed to dawn on him as he considered this.

'For a long time,' I went on, 'I was jealous of you. Tall. Handsome. Jock.'

I couldn't tell if his expression was disbelieving or contemplative.

'I'm serious.'

He shuffled a little closer to me on the ledge. 'So what you're saying is, you've been jealous of me too.'

'Yup.' I thought of my weird-ass dreams. 'I heard about these...friends once who were in a similar position. There's something I learnt from them: I might be jealous of you for what you've got, but there's something I've got that you'll never be able to have.'

'What's that?'

'A damn good friend.' I let the words hang there. 'If we're still friends, that is.'

Hayner shuffled up and pulled me into a sideways hug. 'You can count on it.' He clapped me on the shoulder and ruffled my hair. 'And if that's the case then there's something I got too that you don't too...I've got my short-ass, spiky-haired best-bud.'

I laughed into his shoulder and we went back to sitting side-by-side.

He studied his palms. 'I thought it could have worked between us.'

'I'm not so sure,' I admitted.

'Didn't you feel a spark?' he asked. 'I felt a spark.'

'Dunno,' I said.

He scratched the back of his head. 'I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. It felt right. I never wanted to hurt you, Roxas.'

'I know,' I said. 'But I think I know what you want now.'

He sighed deeply. 'Maybe…'

'You should ask her out,' I said.

'Roxas–'

'I mean it. If it works out, I hope you're happy with Olette...or whoever your future girlfriend is.'

He turned to me. 'Or boyfriend, Roxas. I'm not kidding that I like both.'

'Ok, or boyfriend.'

'I'm proud to be bi. It's not just you that gets to live life on proud mode.'

I gave him a thumbs up. 'Got it, buddy.'

'And Roxas.'

'Yeah?'

He punched my arm playfully. 'I'm proud of ya.'

'You're an idiot,' I said.

'I know.'

'But I'm proud of you too.'

He took hold of my hand and squeezed it.

I heard Olette and Pence laughing as I looked down at our joined hands. I let go of Hayner and looked round to see them each brandishing an ice lolly for us proud tournament finalists.

'As if you both made the final,' said Pence. 'You guys were way cool. Like something out of a movie!'

I took a lolly from him. 'Heh, thanks,'

They sat down around us.

Olette caught my eye. 'Congratulations on winning, Roxas. Are you ready for your prize?' She feigned getting ready for a kiss.

I looked to Hayner who had gone all fidgety. 'I think there's someone who might want the prize more than me.'

'And who's that?' she asked, all coy. She flicked her long hair.

Hayner shuffled up next to Olette. 'I know I asked you once already and I don't mind if you say no…but will you go out with me?'

'Yes,' she said and they kissed on the lips.

I looked away. I collected my board and my trophy with the lolly in my mouth.

'Where are you off to?' Pence asked.

Hayner and Olette looked over.

'I'm pleased for you guys,' I said through a forced smile. 'It's just I don't know 'bout you, Hayner, but I'm spent.' I headed for the steps. 'I'll see you guys tomorrow.'

'Bye Roxas,' they all said in unison.

I felt all mixed up inside as I skated away from the tower. I tossed my lolly away without even checking the stick for a prize. I skated toward my house, faster and faster. I couldn't wait to get to my room and to shut the world out. The cold embrace of my bed and quilt couldn't come soon enough. My eyes felt wet. Tears streamed down my face. I wiped them away with my sweatband. I could pretend I was happy for them. I could pretend I was happy I still had a friend, but really I felt like something inside me had been taken away.

I skidded to a stop outside the apartment block and ran up the stairs. I barely stopped to slam the front door as I rounded the corner and pushed through the stained glass door into my bedroom. I left my board and the trophy on the floor and climbed inside my bed.