Authors note: I've had the center piece of this long chapter since I started to write the story and I'm curious to read what you think about it.
Lt. Irina Paranov, personal log:
It's Friday evening and I'm looking forward to the weekend. It's a nice change of pace to work at a space station specializing on research and have most of the weekends off. I plan to go on a trip to earth with Lamira on Saturday, but we haven't decided where to go exactly, maybe we'll pay a visit to San Fran. I'll meet her for a cocktail at the Green Leaf at 2000 and we'll make plans, but I'll be out for a little walk on the holodeck in half an hour beforehand.
My last weekend has been great. I've visited my parents and Olga. Mum's very glad that I'm working closer to home and that I'm much more happy on Jupiter station. I only saw Dad shortly at dinner because there had been an emergency at work, but he suggested to pay me a visit together with mum at the station soon. I just hope I manage to clean my quarters in time, it's been a bit messy lately because I have so many other things on my mind.
Seeing Olga was great! We went on a hike with EVA suits and jumped around in the lower gravity as we did when we were kids. I nearly felt responsible to watch after my little sister, but she had matured a lot since I visited her last time. Her artwork is becoming really interesting and she has opened a studio together with three other artists and they already have some regular classes in the evening and open workshops on Saturday. I didn't realize how much I was missing her.
The last few days on the station have been frustrating though. Not because of work, but because of Soltek. He has just replied, that he was too busy to meet me, he wouldn't even meet me for lunch. I don't know what's going on. I've hoped to run into him during lunch break, but he's nowhere to be seen.
I'm concerned something is wrong with him. Maybe he's ill after all, but doesn't want to talk about it. I know Vulcans wouldn't just tell a lie out of personal motives, he couldn't be seriously ill when he writes he isn't, but something is definitely going on.
I'm a bit worried that he is just avoiding me because of the weird incident at my birthday party last week. Maybe I've crossed the line and he decided that I'm too much of an illogical human bother, I don't know.
On top of everything Lamira keeps asking me about him and jumps to ridiculous conclusions... She thinks Soltek has feelings for me and is hiding because he feels overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do...
She also asked me how I feel about him... She makes such a deal about it! How could I have feelings for someone who is from a species so different that I hardly understand the way he's thinking, not to mention feeling... I just don't want to loose him as a friend, if he ever was my friend...
If Soltek has any issue with me, he should discuss that with me. All this speculation is just silly.
Computer end log.
She took a breath, then decided that it was no use to wait any longer for the situation to clear up itsself and she wanted to get it off her head before the weekend. This was getting very silly indeed. If she had done something to offend him they should be able to handle this like adults. So she quickly asked the computer for the time and hurried to holo engineering because Soltek's shift was about to end and she could simply watch out for him in the corridor.
When the door swooshed open a couple of engineers came out. There he was, walking in the direction she was standing, but looking at a padd. She approached him, 'Soltek?'
He looked up, slightly surprised – or caught off guard? 'Lt.' he answered in a neutral tone, 'how can I help you?'
She took a deep breath, 'Soltek, would you have a few minutes to talk?'
He looked like he knew exactly what she wanted to talk about, 'yes, I have time to talk...but we should find a more private location.'
'I have a holodeck reservation, I was planning to do some hiking, but we can as well just sit there and talk.
He simply said, 'it will suffice.'
When they entered the holo representation of Karema, a copper-red barren planet of the beta quadrant, a beautiful site greeted them with many craters and a blueish-green sister planet just rising at the horizon. It was night and there was a waxing moon nearly full in the sky illuminating the red sand and the craters of the planet's lifeless surface.
'I see you are using the program I created,' he said.
'Yes, it's adorable,' she said, but her voice sounded somewhat cold. Irina realized that she was a bit angry with him for avoiding her.
They stood there for a few moments taking in the scenery and while Irina was watching the star-spotted sky the line of a poem came into her mind.
'And the milky way stretched lonely across the sky, like a woman sleeping, dreaming of other times to come,' she said.
'And a lonely traveler journeyed from star to star, seeking his heart, which she had devoured at the dawn of time. - Juri Ivanov, Earth and Space, 5th poem,' Soltek continued.
'Soltek, I didn't know you are so well versed in Russian literature from the 21st century!' Irina replied astonished.
'I am not well versed, but since I came here I started to research human culture including literature,' he stated.
'He is one of my favorite authors,' she said in a tone which was a little bit softer than at the beginning of the conversation.
There were more moments of silence and Irina busied herself by prodding a stone with her foot leaving patterns in the red sand.
'So' she cut to the point, 'what has kept you so busy?'
She immediately noticed that he looked reluctant to answer.
'I have conducted an intensive regimen of meditation this week,' he answered in a tone which sounded slightly insecure to Irina. His excuse made her feel angry again, but she quickly pushed it aside reminding herself that she was here to find out what was going on and whatever it was - she wouldn't make a fool out of herself by indulging in an emotional scene in front of a Vulcan.
When she opened her mouth again to ask him about the meditation and if he had been alright while she didn't see him, he beat her to it and said: 'Which matter do you need to discuss with me?'
She was caught off guard for a second and didn't know what to say, 'erm...I had the feeling you were avoiding me' she blurted out, 'because...you know...the situation at my birthday party.'
Now he seemed startled about her bluntness, but silently considered her for a moment.
She quickly explained herself: 'I know what I did was inappropriate to a Vulcan...I know Vulcans don't like touch and I crossed the line, I just kinda got ahead of myself because I was so happy about your birthday present. I'm sorry, I hope you don't hold it against me and we can still be...friends.'
There was an awfully long moment of silence between them, he seemed unsure of what to say. When she could bear it no longer she said, 'Soltek, do you want to sit down? I love sitting there,' she indicated a pair of large stones a few meters ahead of them. 'I could also create some chairs,' she added while he looked hesitant.
'The stones are quite sufficient' he said neutrally. They walked over to the stones and sat down facing each other.
'Irina,' he said slowly while looking directly in her eyes with his dark brown ones, 'I appreciate your enthusiasm for my birthday present and I don't require an apology.'
Relief washed over her and she might have stared at him for a few seconds. She wanting to hug him again, but restrained herself. 'I'm really relieved Soltek, I would have missed you,' she said.
'I have benefited from your company as well,' he said carefully, 'and my time would be different without your input.'
She gulped because she felt he couldn't come any closer to admitting that he liked her and she was a bit shocked to realize that she was close to tears.
'Irina,' he said, 'are you alright?'
She nodded, 'I'm sorry, I've been a bit emotional lately.'
'You are human' he replied in a soothing tone, 'that is to be expected.'
She gave a nervous chuckle, 'I guess I must be pretty strange to you'.
'It is sometimes difficult for me to discern your various emotional states and anticipate your behavior,' he replied. 'But I have learned a lot while spending time with you,' he added still looking into her eyes.
'The feeling is mutual' she replied with a smile. 'There is still a lot I don't understand about Vulcans,' she said and took a deep breath. - 'Erm...' she said, 'how would a Vulcan show appreciation for a birthday present?'
'Vulcans don't celebrate birthdays', he said in an ironic tone and she thought she saw a corner of his mouth twitch very faintly just for a second, 'but you could have simply stated your appreciation verbally.'
'You don't say,' she replied laughing, 'you know I wanted to hug you like I did with everyone else, but then I got the feeling it would be inappropriate to you and I kinda did another stupid thing, I'm really sorry.'
His eye grew wide for a moment when she mentioned wanting to hug him. She was glad she hadn't actually hugged him that day (and glad that she had just skipped the fact that she had wanted to kiss him on the cheek as well).
Then he said slowly, 'I appreciate that it must be difficult for you to find appropriate behavior towards me when you are in an emotional state... I did anticipate that you would show an emotional reaction to my present,' he hesitated there for an awkward moment, 'but I didn't anticipate...that reaction'.
She frowned not sure she understood what exactly was the matter for him. Then as if Lamira had been present to point it out, she realized that his ears and cheeks had flushed green. Was he blushing?
'So...um...' she said, 'I understand Vulcans dislike touch because of your kind of telepathy?'
His eyes made quick movements as if he wasn't sure how to answer, 'that statement isn't entirely correct'. He paused. 'It is not a matter of dislike...' he paused again obviously struggling to find a way to explain, 'you are probably familiar with the term mind meld?'
'Yes,' she said, 'that's when you put your hand on someone's face to share thoughts?'
'Exactly,' he replied, 'if we would...touch hands it would not initiate a mind meld...but there would still be a telepathic connection.'
Irina felt her face flush. 'Um...' she said nervously, 'so if we touch hands you can read my thoughts?'
'No,' he said, 'the telepathic connection wouldn't permit to transmit elaborate thoughts. It would only transmit more simple and basic...things'
'Like what?' she asked.
'Emotions,' he said curtly.
'Ah...' she gasped understanding dawning on her, 'it must be disturbing for you to be exposed to human emotions when somebody touches you,' she said. No surprise he needed a week to meditate, she thought.
'That depends on the situation, but it is certainly distracting to be exposed to the emotions of others and a good reason to avoid skin contact if possible,' he answered.
'So I guess it's quite icky for a Vulcan to be touched by a member of an emotional species like a human?' she said feeling slightly angry about it again.
'It's not a matter of dislike, it's just very...distracting,' he repeated slowly like he wanted to make a point, but Irina still frowned. 'This is not a value judgment on your behavior,' he explained, 'you should not take that as an insult to your person, Irina,' he paused while looking intently at her, 'it was just very...inappropriate to...do that in public.'
Irina stared at him, inappropriate in public – what was he talking about? Was he insinuating that he didn't mind as long as she doesn't do it in public?!
He looked a bit like a boy caught doing something he shouldn't. 'We seem to have been successful in resolving our misunderstanding' he concluded, 'I will now continue my usual business'. With that he got up and turned to the entrance.
'Soltek,' she said, 'wait! Please' she added looking seriously into his eyes, 'I'm still not sure I understand what you are saying. Would you have another couple of minutes?'
He sat down again. 'What is it, you need me to clarify?'
'Um...' she was thinking hard what to say and asking him too directly didn't seem a good idea. Maybe just keep him talking about this thing until something made sense. 'Would this telepathic connection be two-ways or just one way?' she asked curiously.
He frowned, 'please rephrase the question.'
'If we would touch hands, with me not being a telepath,' she said, 'would you just feel my emotions or would I also get...impressions from you?'
He raised his eyebrows, 'I don't know,' he looked at her questioningly.
'I'm not sure what happened at my birthday party' she said, 'it was over so quickly and I might have been distracted by all the people around us.' She tried to remember every detail, 'but I felt something, it was different somehow than normal touch...' She remembered that she had felt somethink like a small electro shock.
He frowned and she wondered what he was thinking.
'I felt totally electrified' she blurted out, 'it was quite weird'.
His eyes grew wide and he gulped before he replied, 'I'm not sure I understand your metaphor.'
She smiled sheepishly, 'I think it felt good, but I'm not sure how to describe it, but there definitely was something.'
'Fascinating,' he said like they were discussing quantum mechanics. She suspected he simply didn't know what else to say. She felt like she got him somewhere interesting and just wondered how far he would be willing to go into the subject. This was getting very curious indeed. She looked questioningly at him and then slowly held out her hands to him palms up.
He stared at her. His eyes traveled between her eyes and her outstretched hands.
'I'll be careful,' she said assuringly, 'I just want to try something out.'
There was another awkward moment of silence and then he slowly stretched out his right hand, index and middle finger extended. He stopped in the middle obviously reluctant to surrender his hand completely to hers, but then he seemed to be waiting for her to do something.
This was very weird. She felt like encouraging a shy exotic animal to take food out of her hands without understanding it's body language. She slowly reached out with her right index finger and touched his two fingers just with the tip. She inhaled very quickly as a faint electric discharge shot into her – or at least that was what it felt like. She looked at him and his intense stare indicated that he must have felt the same thing. Then the 'electrical stream' (or what it was) felt more steady, gentle and very warm. It was somewhat relaxing like a warm bath, but also...slightly delicious in some way...
'That's really weird,' she said with a nervous smile, 'I don't know how to describe this, but I guess it feels...good!'
'So you humans have sometimes difficulties to discern your own emotional states?' he said in a throaty voice looking her directly into the eyes.
She wondered if maintaining this 'connection' exhausted him. 'Yes, I guess we do - and I've never done this before, I mean before the incident at my birthday party, so I don't know what to compare it to, how to name it.' She was thinking of what the feeling reminded her of. If she just could get a deeper connection, it was too faint to really tell yet what it was. But it definitely felt very good. She had the faint impression that she could telepathically 'taste' what he felt like, what kind of person he was, his 'presence' and she wanted to get a closer look at him. She eyed him questioningly and then slowly extended her middle finger to get a bigger contact surface and moved a small step closer to him. It worked, the feeling got more intense and she realized that she started to take deep breaths.
While she concentrated very hard on what that 'energy stream' felt like, she started giggling because it tickled her somehow. 'This is very addictive' she said and realized that her voice sounded like she was on drugs or something and she felt extremely light-headed. 'I didn't know telepathy is so...' she said and drew a very deep breath to concentrate on probing how this felt and fully opening up to the experience. Before she knew what she was doing she instinctively took his hand in both of her hands and started to slowly rub her right palm over his. She instantly felt hit by a massive hot electrifying wave which made her gasp while she heard Soltek emit a low moan.
She drew back in surprise and his warm presence was snatched away like someone had just shoved her outside without a jacket into the icy winter air. 'Oh my god,' she panted as the answer finally dawned on her, 'that's...how Vulcans do things'.
Soltek gave her a concerned look while he was panting and obviously trying to center himself. She had never seen him like this. This was beyond anything she would have expected of a Vulcan and she must have stared at him in shock. 'Forgive me,' he said in a throaty voice, 'are you alright?'
'Yes,' she said nervously, still panting, 'gosh, this is embarrassing!' She felt a deep blush rising to her face.
'I have gone too far,' he stated and she could tell that he was very embarrassed himself, his ears and cheeks a deep shade of green.
'Soltek, I...,' she stuttered, 'this is all a bit sudden...I didn't know...you had these kinds of feelings for me.'
'I...must apologize,' he replied, 'I have bothered you...I will leave you alone now.' He stood up, nodded goodbye and turned to the doors.
'Soltek, wait!' she said.
He turned around again and faced her.
'I'm not bothered,' she said, 'this is just a bit...unexpected. - Why didn't you say anything?'
He paused a moment to center himself. 'I have researched human customs regarding taking a mate and concluded that you most likely would not agree to logical reasons if I had informed you of my considerations right away, so I planned to observe your intentions towards me and determine what the next step would be to win your trust as I found out humans slowly built a relationship because of their emotional attachment and go through complicated courting rituals. - Have I misunderstood your culture?'
'Um...no, I don't think you misunderstood it and I see you put a great deal of thought into this...,' she stuttered, 'it's just that normally...guys show their interest somehow along the way...,' she paused frowning, 'I just never saw something like this coming from you.'
'So your answer is no,' he said sounding disappointed.
'Soltek,' she shook her head, 'at the moment I'd just like to pretend this hasn't happened and take things one step at a time, okay?'
'I didn't plan it to happen this way,' he said.
'Let's just pretend for now it didn't happen, alright?' she said in a nervous tone.
'As you wish,' he said sounding like he had to restrain himself and left the holodeck after he had nodded a quick goodbye.
After he was gone Irina rushed to her quarters, switched on loud music and went under the sonic shower to prepare herself for the cocktail evening with Lamira. Right now she felt more like she could use a straight vodka, not some fancy fruit cocktail.
To all who commented about the dashing Betazoid waiter of the Green Leaf: In the next chapter you'll finally see Antamo life and in color, I promise... ;)