In a way he is glad of the red alert. OK, he says that he isn't, because a lot of him would like to try kissing Seven again. The bit of him that feels starved of touch, of intimate encounter. That bit of him really, and he means *really* wanted to kiss her again. He needs to be loved, held, feel alive with another. He wants a relationship. He needs a relationship. The small sensible bit of him is thinking that he really needs to think about where this is going. He spent most of his planning for the date thinking about another woman. He even dressed for that other woman, for spirits sake.

But a fair bit of him is saying 'to hell with it. go with what you are being offered' and he needs to think about this before he follows this path. In his head he knows that he needs someone, even if it isn't who he has wished for and the relationship he hoped would one day flow, he needs someone to actively cherish, talk to at the end of the day, hold when he falls asleep. He needs to be human. He is used to ignoring his heart. He hopes that with commitment and determination, his stubborn heart might follow his head.

It isnt as if he has options.

he resolutely doesnt examine closely the muffled shouting from the back of his mind that this iis a disaster, for him, for Seven, for... everything. He ignores the fact that this decision has the appearance of a self destruct and that the time is counting down.

He sighs, but the sound is lost within the combined gasp of surprise from kathryn, Harry, Tom, and well, everyone who has been paying any attention to the current alert. Damn, but he is distracted.

He looks at the viewscreen, at the federation shuttle that has just come through a rift in spacetime.

That! That is Kathryn! Shit! and an older Kathryn. A Kathryn that is alone. What the hell is she playing at now.

As expected, all hell breaks loose. Some things never change...

Like he would follow this woman to the ends of the known universe, and back. Please, let it be back!

He stubbornly doesnt examine any other of the feelings associated with this woman, he is a contrary.

-0-0-0-

Huh! so here they are in the alpha quadrant. He should be ecstatic. She has done it, brought them home. hmm and there is the rub. He isn't exactly sure where his home is. He thought it was with her, he had all sorts of imaginings at what would happen at this moment. He would catch her in his arms, like Harry did, damn him, tell her that her time as his Captain of voyager was over, and she could now captain his heart, or something else romantic. he is sure he could have thought of something. but he didn't, he was not even beside her, but Seven, it was Seven that he shared a gaze with.

He sits hunched over the conn.

She kept her promise, but he doesn't seem to have kept his.

Did he actually make a promise, he doesn't think so, not in so many words. but...

...again he feels something in the back of his mind that he ruthlessly shuts down. Not now, he just cant think now.

He hears Kathryn making arrangements and retreating to her ready room.

She shouldn't know, but somehow in the way recently her eyes skate over him with a hint of pain, he knows she does. He also guesses that old harridan told her. He feels bad thinking that. He knows that he has something to do with the steel in her backbone. She could hardly bear to look at him, and shortly after neither could Kathryn. In fact, she looked at him as if he had phasered her, and then scurried off.

So, at least he knew how she felt about things.

Sort of.

She had pretended she barely knew him since. She had not come into his quarters though, a relief. He couldn't bear the thoughts of her not seeing her present on the wall, it seemed very final. She wasn't in his heart any more. He had removed her from his space. it shouldn't hurt that much that she was attempting to do the same.

And then Seven had tried to break up with him, leave him with nothing at all.

He had made some cringeworthy beg to stay together. It wasn't as if he was that sure that he and Seven even wanted the same things. It was pride, and a fear of being left behind, and anger that yet again Kathryn was making sure he was alone.

At Kathryn's call he trudges to the briefing room. He should be pleased, she has achieved the maquis and equinox freedom, pay and commisions. He doesn't know about her, but clearly she will be feted as golden girl. No one asks her. He should, but he doesn't. The others assume that he knows, that this victory is part his doing, that he is still looking out for her back.

He just sits.

Tuvok is leaving early, he doesn't know why.

He looks at Tom, B'Elanna and baby Miral and wishes with his whole being that that could be him. Not B'Elanna, clearly, but a wife and child, love, hope, a future. He doesn't really notice that Kathryn looks at them with the same naked wish in her eye.

Tom could have told him, but he doesn't. Tom is still hopeful at this point that they will 'get their shit together'. He has always been an optimistic romantic.

The meeting is derailed about talks of a party. He doesn't really listen. He doesnt want a party. It feels like there is nothing to celebrate. This is his home, where he has felt the most connected in his life. It is over. it feels like his life may be over. All these plans and he thinks what he would really like is to go back to the beginning, now he knows they will make it.

He needs to shake this, but he cant. He just sees images of happiness, images of the bridge, of a laughing Kathryn, of beers with Ayala, Sandrines, feeling finally in control of his destiny. Striding around a fractured Voyager, responsible for repairing it with the love... and he shakes out of this. It isn't helping.

He also didn't really listen to the bit about debrief, parking at utopia planetia, section head reports, a week in quarentine, medical check on McKinley and beamed to a secure starfleet building... whatever...He still isn't listening to the party planning, letting all sound swirl over him. he is just...deflated. He does look up when people gasp, and Harry shouts no! Seven is. well it appears that she is smirking. he thinks she has been talking.

'that is correct is it not Chakotay' she demands. He has no idea and pulls at his earlobe in defeat.

'I am sorry, Seven, I was considering a number of procedural issues' . deflect! deflect! he can see Kathryn is trying to look at him worriedly without being obvious, harry looks horrified, B'Elanna is looking as if she could cry, and Tom, well he looks disappointed. Whatever the hell gives Tom the right to look disappointed, with him?

'We are in a relationship, and you will accompany me to the party, so I declined the doctors kind invitation'

Ah. erm, well, there it is. Seven, his girlfriend, looks at him, with clear assumptions that he will. And he finally realises what his heart has been shouting at him all along, that it is Kathryn he wants to take. It has always been Kathryn. He looks around to see her disappear out of the briefing room. It all feels a bit pointless, he is too late. Again.

'Yes, of course' he answers.

He would run after Kathryn. but she isn't going to acknowledge him now, acknowledge them, what they could be. Seven smiles at him, and the joy on her face, he cannot help but smile back. His heart goes out to her. She has been also worried about her welcome here in the alpha quadrant, and being alone. At least he can help her there.

He really would have liked her to discuss this with him first, but she isn't used to considering others with her decisions. Perhaps he can help her with that too.

He does like having a purpose, being needed. It makes his life feel, well, necessary.

She takes his arm as they file out, happily and as a clear statement of ownership. He tries not to hear the immediate dissection of the news by the three musketeers.

The decision is made, and he is an honourable man.