He is feeling empty. He thinks this all-encompassing nothing has been sneaking up on him for a while now, insidious and unnoticed. If he thinks about it, he has felt more disconnected and grey, particularly since Quarra. Like some mist or fog has wrapped him up.
Seven had injected some light for him, a glow of light and, he hoped, warmth, but now that isn't working. Mostly, he thinks, because he isnt really trying. Or it's the wrong kind of light, bright and throwing shadows; whereas he is after something softer, mellower, that he can sink into.
And debrief! How does he begin to talk about that. It is unbearably hard. He wishes he could talk it through. It is all angled at entangling the Captain. He knows this. He wishes some of his logs had been less, well, less honest. By then he hadn't really thought they would get home. Even he winced at some of his turns of phrase. His explanations that the log was his only option to think these things through, that he couldn't discuss these things with the Captain or her subordinates, are not seeming to be acknowledged. They haven't even started on his actions as of yet.
Spirits, he wishes Kathryn was here to discuss this with. Where the hell is she anyway? He wracks his memory to see if she said anything at that last debrief, maybe she did. He was too self absorbed. He tried to see her yesterday morning before disembarking for debrief, but she was already gone. Voyager announced she was no longer on board. Those damn starfleet admirals were whisking them all off for medicals and debrief. Yesterday she wasn't in the mess, and he had been distracted by Seven looking wan and uncertain. Although she had been well looked after, and her regeneration was arranged, and she had an independent counsellor all organised, he was still angry at Kathryn for not overseeing this.
He stopped looking for her, angrily telling himself that now they were home she no longer cared. She had danced them out of her damned system. No doubt she was now mixing with all the important captains, leaving them, him far behind. Not a care for her crew, leaving him.
He is suddenly very angry. Angry at her with a mounting rage that disappears as quickly as it arrived. In truth, he is angry at himself for not being beside her, shouldering those damned burdens, where he would have known why she was missing. He is worried for her. He is angry at Starfleet for this cruel division, angry at, well, everything.
Last time this happened he turned it outwards, in anger at the world, the Cardassians in particular, and devoted himself to the twin goals of vengeance and protection. This time there is no crusade to lead, no sublimation in the old glory or death.
But here he is, in this anodyne Starfleet temporary apartment that passes for his quarters, having yet another dinner with Seven. They'll will make perfunctory conversation, she will monologue around the day whilst he nods, having commented on his meal choices, which are so far improving, apparently. She will attempt a kiss and suggest they can consider some 'touching' whilst he struggles not to shudder. He will again fail to end this, as she will look so hopefully at him.
What a mess.
Seven is talking at him; She is describing the inefficiencies of debrief. He nods and hums at what he thinks are appropriate moments. He finds that this is how a lot of their conversations go. Without Voyager actual and present, and currently no interaction with other crew members, who he often hears arranging other meetings, there is a conversational black hole. He supposes that, on Voyager, they would have discussed something relevant to the day. But here? He can't even suggest a holodeck outing.
He feels trapped, he needs to escape. His single-occupant quarters is bare, cold, and uninvinting. Although he can access all his belongings from Voyager, there is hardly any point. That isn't the man he is now, he won't put them in his apartment. They sit on Voyager, boxed up, to beam down or just leave behind. He might as well leave them all behind.
Thinking about some of those items and their memories brings him pain.
Seven notices him flinch. He wonders how she unerringly picks up all that he would wish to conceal, and yet has no real understanding that between them is no ... chemistry.
He tells Seven that he can't discuss his debrief, wishes that he could share it with her. That it has been as expected. She raises her ocular implant. How does she do that? Isn't it connected all the way to the bone, rather than just to the skin? Mistakenly, he asks her. She looks surprised by the sudden change in the directionality of the conversation, but he soon stops paying attention as she talks about the finer neural interface mechanisms of Borg implants.
Three days so far of high intensity debrief, mostly around the Borg, the Hirogen, and the USS Equinox. Essential dissection of his role as XO, whether or not he supported his Captain's decisions. Whether he thought she had exceeded permissible steps, even respecting the difficulties they faced. Whether he thought she was wrong. Wrong to make a treaty with the Borg, wrong to trust Seven of Nine... And, yes, the Vaadwaur debacle, a number of Seven's failures to follow commands, and lack of any real correction following those events. And the Equinox. He breaths out a sigh.
Seven is immediately contrite, having talked at depth about her implants, realizing that she has not kept his attention. He is embarrassed at his lack of focus.
The conversation peters out, and the meal has been finished. Seven suggests that since this is now the 7th date, and 9th if he considers their meals in the mess. That perhaps the could consider a natural progression to...
She stops and looks at his face, which is carefully schooled not to look horrified, before she adds the words 'sexual intimacy.' He is so relieved that she has not used the 'copulation' term Harry reported to Tom, and therefore everyone that he nearly appears to be receptive to her advances.
Her movements suggesting that she may start divesting clothes cause him to stop her. He tells her that they have returned to the alpha quadrant, that he isn't sure that their relationship should currently deepen, or become physically involved. He explains that with so much up in the air, he is not able to make any commitments. He tentatively suggest they work on friendship.
Seven has clearly prepared. Her disappointment at the Voyager party was acute, and his continued non-performance has been unanticipated and derails her expectations of a relationship. She has no friendship group that she can discuss this with, and copious research on a variety of cultural norms have left her frustrated with anthropology and determined to rely on Borg simplicity and compliance.
She responds by haughtilly reeling off all his sexual liaisons since, well, since before she even arrived on Voyager. Complete with stardate, and, where available, commentary on his sexual prowess and performance lifted from personal logs, and then categorized in her own cleverly conceived scoring system for relevant factors, with cross-referencing. She is quite proud of the diligence of her research. He is appalled. Just how much research has she done?
She clearly has had no compunction reviewing all relevant ships logs whilst researching her quarry. Spirits! How did she get hold of all of this? He is relieved that he had his very private logs well-encrypted. Kathryn had insisted for both of them from the start. Their 'private counselor space' she said, since none other was available.
He looks at Seven askance, wondering whether it is possible that she would have been able to break the encryption. He thinks she might not have thought to look, as he, and presumably Kathryn, had kept a two-tier private log system. One that could be revealed, and one that should be concealed.
Continuing, and emphasising that at no point from her research has it previously been apparent that he might have any performance issues, she wonders in a cool voice to him whether the Doctor should see him. She has apparently discussed this with Voyager's EMH, and apparently there are illnesses that effect men as they age, and could be improved with appropriate treatments.
He thinks he might actually be Hell. Loneliness is, perhaps, more preferable. The thoughts of Seven and the Doctor considering his supposed impotence and the cause thereof are perhaps a personal relationship nadir.
He feels the need to defend, to state that performance anxiety is not the issue. He is just not convinced of the viability of their relationship. Not is this format. He terminates their intimate relationship, damn, but he wishes he could remember how Naomi put it. He is pleased with how analytical he sounds.
Seven appears, well not precisely angry, but more... determined. She demands to know in what way she does not measure up to these sexual predecessors. She is listing her attributes, for Spirits' sake! And the other crewmen that she could have considered dating, that she has given him a singular honour. She starts to talk of her holodeck experiences, but breaks off, flushing. He is relieved. He has never been interested in holoprogrammed sex. Even less following the debacle of fairhaven.
He tries to mollify her, but as Kathryn would have told him, Seven is never mollified. She never settles for an alternative viewpoint without further evidence and contemplation. She is very self focussed still. He is too busy being very relieved that he has made a decision, and told her that he wishes to call a halt to their romance, such that it is. He perhaps doesn't realise that his gentle words to reassure her of her beauty, intelligence and charm are potentially being misinterpreted. It might be that she believes that he has changed his mind. It might be that she requires more data on which to alter her decision to pursue him.
He doesn't really listen, or particularly note, that she has given him their customary single kiss for the evening before leaving the appartment.
In the future, he will feel guilty for being such a cad.
-0-0-0-
He is surprised to find Seven again waiting for him before entering the mess for their lunch. He thought that she would be giving him a clear berth. Maybe, he surmises incorrectly, she has more questions for him. Or maybe, looking around the mess, there would be no space for them with the senior officers, she feels alone.
A wave of sympathy crosses him, and instead of querying her presence at his side, he starts a talk about a neutral subject, her aunt irene. All of them have an hour a day personal real time vidcalls with family, allthough their return is slightly under wraps. Irene Hanssen has been enthusiastically overjoyed by her survival.
He is encouraging. Irene seems a warm, mothering woman. She has been so excited to find a descendent since the pathfinder messages, and Kathryn was very hopeful that she would give seven the security and home circumstances she needed. captain! the captain felt seven would settle best with a mother.
O spirits, it dawns on him that in a way Kath.. the captain was not only mentor but perhaps surrogate mother to Seven. And he has been ... dating her ... daughter? He is surprised that actual phaser burns havent scorched him. he keeps smiling though, as Seven actually appears happy. There is animation in her eyes as she talks about where Irene hopes to take her. he notes with relief that at no point does Seven suggest he might come too. He has that morning suddenly recalled her kiss, and had been less certain about their breakup.
He enthuses over her plans and then adds that ''kaya is on her way to Earth with her son' and pure joy fills his heart at this. he is about to carry on, to talk about them when she interrupts
'then you will not be alone when i leave this weekend' it isn't a question, but a statement. He nods, and then frowns.
'I will be visiting my aunt, as I explained.' clearly annoyed by his lack of concentration.
'I think it will give us both ample time to consider whether I wish to procede with the termination of our romantic affilliation'
he starts to interject, to explain that their romantic affiliation is terminated, whether unilaterally or mutually, but she launches into her detailed itinerary. What does she mean, if 'she' wants to procede? Hasn't the 'romantic affililation' already been 'terminated'. He gets ready to ask these questions, but instead listens to her talking about meeting her Aunt, something akin to excitement appears to be suffusing her face, and he finds it endearing. Perhaps there is no need to hammer home their breakup, and he hopes that after the weekend she will perhaps realise it is for the best.
He doesn't want to cause any gossip here in full view of the crew. He doesnt feel the need for them to be aware of the truncated length of this relationship.
He notes that she will be discretely accompanied by suitable starfleet security. He approves of this, rarely they allowed Seven on away missions and each time seemed to meet with disaster of one sort or the other. He is suprisied that she is allowed to leave, being Borg, he thought that might be more of an issue.
He tunes back into Seven, who is explaining the fjord chalet that is remote and that should shield her and family from any external view. She explains the forcefields as well, and he realises a significant amount of leeway being granted here. Starfleet protecting what they hope will be a huge asset. Is this the Captain? Tying her to earth and family as home, providing security, creating her a life here.
He looks around the mess at the other crew members. Are they also having a future lined up for them, has the captain or starfleet prepared a future for everyone? He feels a spike of irritation that anyone would be considering his future when he is so uncertain of it himself. 'So like Kathryn to think she knows everyone best' he huffs under his breath, and then has to apologise to Seven. he thinks she almost certainly heard him.
The table with the bridge crew, the remaining senior officers, is vibrating with... something. He cant see what has everyone agitated. Tom has banged his hand down on the table, and Miral cries. B'Elanna looks surprisingly angry and Harry, Harry looks as if someone has hurt him. Mike is there too, talking urgently to them. No tuvok, no Captain, and no Doctor.
He has not joined them since the announcement of his relationship. He has sat seperately with Seven.
'Chakotay?'
In fact he hasnt talked to anyone other than Seven, and the counsellor and debrief team. He should really talk to the crew, make sure debrief is going well, check their plans. Its what the Captain would do. Where the hell is she anyway? And Tuvok? He hasn't seen him either since? Well, he can't recall seeing Tuvok at all actually?
'Chakotay?'
It seems without the captain in charge it all spins away. He knows something is wrong. He should be feeling elation that they are home, safe. He should be standing in the middle of the senior crew, fistpumping the air with joy. He should have Kathryn by his side. He should be grabbing his future. He knows that he needs to fight...this, the limbo that he feels trapped in.
'Chakotay!'
It is an imperious voice of absolute command, and he is not the only one to swing round to face Seven as it pierces through all the conversation in the mess.
'if you would prefer, we will sit with the senior crew at our next meal.' Her voiice is icy and clipped, which is not unusual, and he cannot tell from her face whether she is angry at his inattention, he has been after all not been paying a great deal of attention.
'It is time to procede with further debrief' and she stands to exit, clearly assuming he will follow.
glumly he collects his tray too as he follows her out. he will speak to Tom this evening. He has put it off too long. This disconnect must stop. He is still the first officer, he still has a job to do. The new determination gives a visible straightening to his posture, a firmness to his step. He is aware that the eyes of the crew follow him out, and he doesn't need visual confirmation that B'Elana is scowling.
He misses his friends, he misses cameraderie and conversation. Mike almost blanked him, perhaps because he was with Seven, or because of his failing friendship, and the senior team have been unfailingly courteous, which is a bad sign. Still, and again, he has always been with Seven.
And he misses Kathryn. Where the hell is she? He is determined to find out.