"Enter."
Malon quickly slid off of Link's lap as he stood up. "Well, your majesty?" He asked, as he held out his arm.
Zelda rolled her eyes at him as she stepped up next him. "Nice try, Link." She said. "Sheik, you're in charge during our meeting with Ganondorf."
"Of course, Zelda." Sheik answered, her voice muffled behind her veil. "You can count on me.'
"This is it." Zelda said grimly as she turned back to face him. "We're finally going to learn what Ganondorf wants from us."
"It's about time." He said, looking steadfastly at the large door in front of them. The two Gerudo guards were only just now heaving and sweating to get it open. "I've had enough of this city."
"Are the women here too much for little old you?" She teased, as she leaned into him.
"I just don't like the heat." He told her. The door in front of them slid open. "Ah, here we go."
The girls stared at them as they passed, and Zelda could not help but feel a sense of pride to note the intense look of jealously she was getting merely for being with him. She would never admit it aloud, but she loved Link and would do anything to stay near him.
The room they stepped in was a large, empty hall that spread out before them for several feet. At the end of the hall sat a throne and a large organ.
The ominous notes of the king's playing unnerved her, but she did not hesitate as they walked along the carpet to them.
He did not even look up at them as he played. He was quite skilled, she thought. Each note was powerful and made her feel very small.
But she had Link. And since she had him, she had everything.
They stopped when they approached the throne. Link kneeled politely, but Zelda stood standing, staring at him.
He played for several more moments, finishing the piece, and slowly closed the organ.
"Music is one of the few pleasures I'm allowed during my duties." He said quietly. "Forgive me for making you wait."
He stood up. His height was impressive. Zelda had never seen such a gigantic, powerful man in all her life.
"I thank you for allowing us the chance to speak with you." Zelda said. She was annoyed, of course. She and her army had been spinning their wheels for their past several months watching Link fuck the locals senseless, but at least that was behind them now. "I am in dire need of your assistance."
"Is that so?"
His expression was unreadable.
"We desire an alliance with Gerudo against the forces of Cia." Zelda said stiffly. "Her craving for Link's cock has somehow given her powers beyond mortal understanding, and I-"
"Yes, women will often do cruel things to do what they want." Ganondorf said. "I am well aware of this."
Zelda frowned. She was not able to decipher his meaning at all. "How much do you know about Cia?" She asked. "She is currently pillaging the land, telling everyone who will listen about how she's the one destined to hold Link's master sword, and I for one-"
He turned away from her, his cape billowing behind him. Zelda fell silent, pursing her lips as he stepped away from them. Just what was he playing at?
"Cia has amassed dark powers to gather such a large army." Ganondorf noted. "We are both very much aware of this much." He raised his hands wide, his back still turned to them, as he stared upward, towards the vast ceiling. "But what you do not know is where these powers come from?"
Zelda's frown deepened. "She is a witch." She said. "She has studied magic extensively, surely…"
Ganondorf did not answer her. Instead he stood there in front of them, impressive and powerful.
"No." He said. "Her powers were quaint before her master's."
He turned around to face them, clutching his fist towards them. "Me."
Link was on his feet, his weapon drawn, his eyes narrowed. Ganondorf stared him down, a powerful aura emanating from him. Zelda could feel the hairs on the back of her head standing up. It was the same kind of intense, evil aura that followed Cia into battle.
"So it was YOU." Link spat, his teeth bared. "You're the one who-"
"Had Cia do my bidding, yes yes." Ganondorf said coolly, his eyes flickering over Link's sword. "You came to the very man who ruined your kingdom for assistance in liberating it."
Zelda stepped in front of Link, her own weapon drawn, her eyes narrowed angrily.
"You trai-"
"We were never allies, you stupid woman." Ganondorf said calmly. "You simply made a mistake."
He waved his hand, and a storm of armed Gerudo guards stormed into the room. Each was a member of Ganondorf's Elite Guard, and were therefore well armed, trained, and very attractive.
Link stepped closer to her protectively as he raised his shield. "Take another step further, and I'll take out each of you."
Ganondorf opened his mouth to retort, but before he could a wheezing laugh filled the air. Zelda could feel the blood in her veins dry up. Her legs instantly pressed themselves more tightly together.
Three hooded figures stepped into the room after the guard. Although garbed completely from head to foot in dark robes, Zelda could smell the scent of Soy even from this distance. Their mere presence bothered her far more deeply than Ganondorf's betrayal, but she was puzzled as to why.
"Ah." Ganondorf said. "Our esteemed guests."
He raised his hand towards them. "Allow me to introduce you." He said.
"No introductions necessary, Ganondorf." The fat man in the middle wheezed. "We already know who THEY are…."
"But we don't know who you are." Link said. "What are you? People of the Dark World, perhaps?"
The thing on the right chuckled. It had very long hair, but it was in no way feminine. "This World is far darker than our own…"
"Who are you?" Link repeated. "Stop speaking in riddles."
Instead of answering, the three figures bowed their heads. "Tell me, Princess Zelda…" They intoned. "What is today's date?"
"The date?" Zelda repeated, baffled. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"The date." The man on the left repeated, in a thin, weakly sort of voice. "Is June 14th, 2016."
"That date means nothing to you, I am sure…"
Zelda nodded, her mind turning. The year was most certainly not 2016… What calendar were they referring to, exactly?"
"But to us, it is a date most anticipated." The man in the middle said. "We have awaited this day for two years-"
"Two long years."
"Two harsh years."
"The Wii U years."
"Stop speaking in riddles." Link snapped, his body tensing. "Zelda, do you know what they're talking about?"
"No, I do not." She said, eyeing them warily. "They are speaking nonsense-"
"It is not nonsense, Zelda." The man in the middle said smugly, as he raised his hand towards them. "You may not be aware of it yourself, but you are far more important than you realize. You are an icon, a figure, a Legend in my world."
"She's our Princess." Link said slowly, as he inched his way forward. The Gerudo guards raised their weapons threateningly, and he glared at them intensely. "Why wouldn't she be famous?"
"She is more than famous." The man on the right said. "She is practically the face of female figures in video games."
Zelda stared at them. "Video games?" She repeated. "I don't understand-"
"Allow us to introduce ourselves, Zelda." The man in the middle said, as he slowly lowered his hood. "And perhaps this will finally make sense to you."
Zelda recoiled. The man under the hood was the fattest, most disgusting blob of a person she had ever seen in her life. His face was almost completely round and every since of his stomach was layered in a thick coat of fat. He looked three or four times bigger than an ordinary person.
"I am Jim Sterling." The man said smugly. "And I am a feminist."
The figure on the right slowly lowered its hood, and Zelda let out a disgusted sound. There, under the hood, was a blue haired abomination of a man. Although not quite as fat as Jim Sterling, this thing was disgusting in a completely different way. Its hair was an ugly, matted mess of several different shades of blue.
"I am Laura Kate Dale." The thing said. "And I am a woman. And a feminist."
"No you're not-"
Zelda shushed him as the third figured lowered its hood.
"Jon Mcintosh." He said. "And I am a feminist."
Every woman in the room instinctively inched away from the three of them. Link stared at these people apprehensively
"Feminists?" He repeated. "I don't-"
"You would not, would you Link?" Jim Sterling asked him, laughing slightly. "No, no, a character as primitive and uninspired as you would not know what being a feminist entails."
"Mcintosh, perhaps you are the one most able to make them understand why we are here."
"Yes, I think so."
Mcintosh stepped forward, raising his hand high.
"We have come here on behalf of Anita and Feminist Frequency to correct a grave oversight in iconic video games." He said loudly. "Women are more than just objects to be rescued. They are precious, special, strong, powerful, and wise. In the Current Year, where a female President of the United States is preparing to make this country reach new heights, there is no excuse for female characters to not take center stage in gaming culture."
He raised a finger and pointed it at Zelda.
"You, Zelda… allow yourself to be rescued by a man in spite of your skill with magic and archery. A woman like you should never have to rely on a man for anything. And you…" He jabbed his finger at Link. "You enjoy the toxic masculinity in rescuing a woman from danger."
His eyes flitted towards the screen, where the reader is not exactly sure what the fuck is going on.
"And you play video games that endorse this behavior." He said. "You are a terrible person because you like video games, which endorse misogyny and promote violent behavior."
(Disclaimer: This is what Jon Mcintosh actually believes.)
"Gamers are a problem in society." Mcintosh said loudly. "Hashtag Gamergate and the chaos it brought made us all realize that video games had done more damage to society than we could have possibly imagined. And that is why we are here today… June 14th, 2016. To put an end to all of this."
Ganondorf grunted, as if he didn't really care about all of this. Zelda and Link stared at Josh, completely enraptured.
"June 14th…." Zelda repeated. "What is significant about that date?"
"I'll tell her, I'll tell her!" Laura Kate Dale bounced excitedly in front of him.. "I'm a real video game leaker with insider knowledge of the industry! I know everything about everything that's happening right now!"
Josh stepped back and Laura began jabbering.
"Today is the day of truth." He said. "Today is the day that Nintendo… Officially…" He grinned, showing off an ugly set of teeth. "Announces the upcoming Legend of Zelda game, for the Wii U and the Nintendo NX."
"Nintendo…." Zelda repeated. Somehow hearing that name said aloud brought her unexplainable joy, but she could not place it. Just what was Nintendo?
"The Prophet Emily Rogers has foretold, in accurate detail, just what the Next Legend of Zelda title is going to be." Laura Kate Dale said. "And with her help I have managed to come to a rather surprising conclusion… one that has been confirmed by the posters that Nintendo is setting up right now at their Zelda booth."
He raised his hands wide, and bounced about awkwardly in place.
"There will be a female Link!" He proclaimed, his voice excited and happy. "Women everywhere will have the freedom to play as a female character in this beloved franchise!"
Link stepped backward, his eyes narrowed. "A… female… me…?" He repeated, sounding flabbergasted.
"That is correct, Link." Jim Sterling said, his voice unbearably smug. "Soon you will be replaced. Women will not be forced to play as a male character during their journey to rescue Princess Zelda…"
"And the series will be better off for it." Laura Kate Dale finished, his voice reaching an extremely high pitch. "Nintendo knows their audience, you see. We have been demanding a female playable character in a Zelda game for years, and it seems that today is the day it finally happens."
"Today is the day that the Legend of Zelda stops being sexist."
Zelda glowered as she stepped in front of Link, placing a hand on his arm. "I do not know just who you people are or just what you want from us." She said. "But I can tell you that you are no friend of ours."
"Zelda, Zelda, Zelda… there is no reason for you to be kidnapped all the time." McIntosh said smoothly. "In fact, this series is called The Legend of Zelda… you should be the hero. You always should have been the hero. Men like Link are not necessary, and do nothing but steal the glory for your own accomplishments."
"No." Zelda said, her voice firm. "I have my role to play, as do the men and women that follow me. I treasure each and every one of them. They deserve praise and recognition for their accomplishments, no matter their background. I will not turn my back on Link just because you don't like him."
Link's eyes fell on Zelda's resolute face. "Zelda…" He murmured.
"That, sadly to say, is not your decision to make." Jon McIntosh said haughtily. "Already the reliable video game leaker Emily Rogers has confirmed that Link will be replaced in the upcoming Legend of Zelda game. In another few minutes, we shall see…"
He raised the finger and pointed it down at them. "Linkle will be the hero of The Legend of Zelda!"
Link and Zelda both blinked and looked at each other, confused.
"Linkle?" Zelda repeated. "Isn't that…?"
"The girl we picked up a while back?" Link asked. "The farm girl?"
"The one who thought she was going to be the Hero of Hyrule?"
"The Crossbow girl?"
"The one you made orgasm eight times?"
"Wait, you were keeping count?" Link asked incredulously.
"Well, she kept passing out and then coming back for more… I think it was a lot more than that, actually…"
"Disgusting." Jon Mcintosh sniffed. "How dare you take advantage of these women. I would never dare to have sex with my darling Anita without a written contract specifying what I can and can't do with her."
"Before I had my penis removed, I did all sorts of things with it." Laura Kate Dale said. "I once went to a local cinema, bought some popcorn, cut a hole in the bottom of the bag, and then stuck my dick into it."
(Disclaimer: Laura Kate Dale really did do this)
"Guys, it's starting!" Jim Sterling said, barely able to contain his excitement. "Behold! The end of an era of misogny!"
He reached into his cloak and pressed a button. Suddenly, on the bare wall behind them, stood a still image of a screen.
"This is the day that the new Zelda game is released." Jim Sterling proclaimed. "The day that Emily Rogers had predicted… the reveal of gaming's NEW female hero!"
"Hi. This is Reggie from Nintendo…"
A man that none of them had ever seen before began to speak on the screen. The group watched him, openmouthed. Link could not quite explain it, but the man in question looked very familiar….
"The finishing touches are being made before we open it up to thousands of industry insiders in a couple of hours. That space will immerse visitors in the world of a single game. The newest entry in the Legend of Zelda franchise."
Zelda gave a start. She stared at the screen, open mouthed. "The Legend of… Me…?" She whispered. She looked somehow perplexed, yet fascinated.
"Yes, the Legend of Zelda." Jim Sterling proclaimed, as he spread his arms wide. "The most famous name in all of video games… and you, Link, are its hero."
Zelda gave him a look. "Link is the hero?" She repeated. "But it's named after me…."
"That is the problem." Sterling told them, as the screen faded to black. He paid no attention to the screen and the images and music that surrounded them. "Link does not deserve to be the hero of The Legend of Zelda. You do."
Zelda glared at him as the man on the screen spoke one final time.
"This is what awaits."
The scene shifted to gorgeous, vast rolling planes. Zelda took in a deep breath of air.
"Open your eyes." She spoke at the same exact moment as a strange voice coming from the projection.
She did not notice the surprised start from Link as the scene changed to vast rolling fields, gorgeous green landscapes, animals, lakes, mountains…
"Wake up Link…" The voice said. Link started, his eyes darted to the screen in horror. Zelda stepped forward, glaring hatefully at Jim Sterling.
"It does not matter what you believe." She said to him. "Link will always be my champion. And I will fight to keep it so."
Laura Kate Dale let out a cat like hiss as Jim Sterling stared down at her hatefully.
"If that is so, you will not mind when all of us choose to play Female Link in the upcoming video game…" Jim Sterling's eyes flickered upward, to the screen as the words BREATH OF THE WILD flashed across the screen. "The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild."
Laura Kate Dale giggled, twirling her finger in his bright blue hair. "And since making Link female will be such a big deal, it will be by far the most popular choice among fans." He said. "And if that is the case… Nintendo will have no choice but to make Link canonically female going forward."
Jon Mcintosh spread his hands wide. "And then we will one step closer towards equality!"
Link and Zelda looked at each other, and then back at them.
"How is that equality?" Zelda asked shrilly. "Changing someone to make them female… what purpose does that serve?"
"I didn't see any women in that trailer." Link noted. "How do you know that you even can play a Female Me in this game?"
The smug air of superiority evaporated in an instant. There was a very awkward pause.
"W-well… they'll be livestreaming footage of that game all day!" Laura Kate Dale said quickly. "It's a big announcement…. They'll save for it later, I'm sure."
Zelda caught on to Link's logic just as quickly. "I certainly didn't see any sign of that in the trailer…"
"Emily Rogers is reliable!" Laura Kate Dale snapped. Gone was the façade of femininity. Instead a deep, gravelly voice hit their ears. "The best game leaker I know."
"Until Shigeru Miyamoto himself says that there is no Female Link…." Jim Sterling grinned. "We can still enforce our demands on this company."
Before he even began speaking a bright green pipe shot out of the ground. Shigeru Miyamoto's head popped out of it, grinning widely.
"Link has always been a boy, and will always be a boy!"
He threw the Star Fox Zero puppet at Jim Sterling. He screamed in pain as the Puppet contacted his skin.
"NO NOT MANDATORY MOTION CONTROLS."
Miyamoto laughed, giving a thumbs up to Zelda fans eveyrwhere as he dove back into the pipe, it descending back into the ground behind him. Jim Sterling threw the puppet to the ground, scowling, as he stomped on it with his foot.
"I never liked Nintendo anyway!" He spat, spit flying out of his mouth. "I suppose it is time we take our interests elsewhere…"
"That Horizon Zero Dawn game is much more progressive…"
"Yes…" Jim Sterling's eyes glinted. "It is…" He turned around to face Link and Zelda again, his hands spread wide. "Old Japanese Men who know nothing about video games may have thwarted us this time." He said. "But with the power of female video game characters everywhere, it is only a matter of time until you too become a woman, Link."
"I don't think so." Link grunted, as he drew his sword. Jim Sterling stared down at him with a wary eye. "What could you hope to do to me?" He asked coldly. "I exist on a higher plane of existence than you. I have hundreds of thousands of followers online. I am better than you."
"I'm going to prove you wrong." Link told him, his expression dark. "I'm going to star in a game that's so great, so groundbreaking, and so fun to play that even you cannot deny how spectacular it is. Even if you do desperately try."
Ganondorf was watching this with a weary eye.
"I just wanted to fuck Link." He proclaimed, out of nowhere. "Fuck this."
He waved his hand and a dark portal formed, sending the feminists into another dimension.
"No, they're getting away!" Link shouted, as he braved himself. Both Zelda and Ganondorf pleaded for him to stop as he leapt into the portal.
He awoke on a vast, green field. He could feel the Breath of the Wild on his skin.
…
A/N
So, uh, yeah. I finally finished this chapter… two and a half years after I intended to upload it. This is definitely one of those things that need backstory, I think.
So at the time of Hyrule Harem's original publication, people were pushing these really obviously fake Female Link rumors for the then unannounced BOTW. People were hyping up the announcement for E3. The IDEA was that I would upload this chapter immediately after the deconfirmation and mock everyone who ever supported the idea, but that… uh, never happened.
I already had the chapter half written and was unwilling to get rid of it, since I had already set all of this up. So I tried to clean it up as best as I can and do my best to set up the BOTW arc of the story, and all of the following arcs. I specifically want to introduce BOTW characters before going back to doing weird shit with obscure ones. Also you can imagine what I want to do with Gerudo Town.
Jim Sterling and friends will continue to be villains, of course… We can't let that 7.0 out of 10 that BOTW got go unpunished, now can we? Anyway I'm pretty happy with the zany plot I've come up with going forward, I hope you can forgive the lack of sex right now. That WILL be coming next chapter. Thank you.