Master Windu's response pinged up on Anakin's comm: ?
Glaring as if he could reach through the useless, glowing text with his anger, Anakin waved the message away. He was tired, strung out, and not in the mood to tolerate being trifled with.
They had relocated to a small lounge in the administrative part of the clinic, sending Artoo to find Four-Eighteen and look for Irenia or one of the other doctors. Anakin had gone first to the reception desk, but found it deserted. The whole clinic actually seemed to be deserted — no nurses or technicians in the halls, and all the workstations were empty. The silent stillness made it seem a lot later at night than it actually was.
Obi-Wan had taken a seat to wait, and Ahsoka stood. Anakin tried not to pace, but mostly failed. He needed to get Master Windu on comm and figure out exactly what was going on, but he couldn't exactly just leave Obi-Wan to fix a problem he himself had caused. Well, he could. It wasn't like he hadn't done that a thousand times before, but—
He snuck a look at Obi-Wan. He had his eyes closed, head leaned back against the seat, and Anakin's cloak slung over his arm. By all accounts, he looked peaceful and untroubled. But his shields were still fragile, and who knew what exactly the doctors were going to expect from him. Was he up to handling them all by himself?
Eyes still closed, Obi-Wan said, "You can go, Anakin."
Anakin was pretty sure his thoughts hadn't been spilling that obviously. Even the bond was still primitively shielded. "Maybe," he said. "Not yet, though."
Obi-Wan folded his hands over his stomach. "I suspect that you may have to take yourself somewhere else in order for this encounter to go peacefully."
Shrugging, Anakin crossed his arms.
"What about me?" asked Ahsoka.
"You stay," Anakin told her. He knew she was asking if Obi-Wan wanted privacy, but regardless of the answer, Anakin wanted her to stay. Obi-Wan should have some backup, just in case.
Obi-Wan didn't react, so he couldn't have had too much of a problem with the extra company. If Anakin hadn't known that individual meditation was nigh unto impossible for Obi-Wan at the moment, he would have thought that was exactly what his master was doing.
Artoo's warning shriek could be heard a moment before the door slid open. He rocked back and forth on his booster legs, still shrieking, and then rolled into the room. Obi-Wan opened one eye. "That seemed a little dramatic."
"He has a lot of opinions about Four-Eighteen," said Anakin. "Did you find anyone, Artoo?"
"He did." Doctor Roh stood in the doorway, looking grave. "I am glad to see—"
Obi-Wan stood, and whatever Roh had been about to say vanished.
"Alpha!" said Irenia, pushing past Roh and into the room.
It seemed that Artoo had in fact found everyone, as more people joined them. All together there were five: Roh, Irenia, Suzor, the young boy Lesk from the night before, and a Chalactan-looking young woman Anakin had never seen before. Obi-Wan gave them a smile, pleasant and meant to reassure — the welcome of a diplomat.
"Hello. Come in, please," he said, as if the room were his own personal audience chamber.
While Roh and the Chalactan watched Anakin, and Irenia stood seemingly rooted to the spot, Suzor stepped forward with wide eyes and a face that wanted to smile back. "How are you feeling? Is it true you're really a Jedi?"
"Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Knight." Obi-Wan's mock bow dispelled some tension and released Suzor's grin. "As to feeling, I am very well. It is a relief to finally know myself, and to feel the Force."
"Well, kriff. I sure wouldn't have guessed it, but I'm glad!" said Suzor, so sincerely pleased that for a moment it was hard for Anakin to dislike him.
He could still sense the intent focus that the others were heaping upon him, like he was a dangerous animal they didn't dare take their eyes off. There had been a time when Anakin had felt nearly everyone looked at him that way, and he didn't enjoy revisiting the feeling. "Please, sit. We should talk about what comes next," said Obi-Wan, and when they still seemed reluctant to move, Anakin sighed. That was clearly his cue to leave.
"Artoo and I are gonna go make some calls, Master," he said, pushing a question through the bond. Was it okay? He didn't have to leave, if Obi-Wan thought he might be needed.
Obi-Wan's answer was approvingly affirmative, so he nodded to Ahsoka, reminding her to keep her eyes up. She cocked her head at the exit, telling him that she needed no reminders. When he headed for the door, it had the helpful consequence of forcing everyone clustered there to move to avoid him, effectively driving them toward Obi-Wan. Artoo at his heels, Anakin gave the bond one last encouraging pluck, as if it were a quetarra string, and then walked out of the room.
xxx
Irenia saw him smile, and she knew it was over.
She had thought — she had hoped, despite everything, that Anakin was wrong. That even with his memories restored, the last year would still mean to Alpha some of what it had meant to her. But he smiled and, though she had seen countless variations of Alpha's smile, she had never seen this one. It was practiced sincerity, an expression that concealed more than it showed, and she knew that Alpha was gone. This was Obi-Wan Kenobi.
The air turned to stone in Irenia's lungs. She was glad when Suzor stepped into the fray, because at the moment she was unequal to doing anything except struggling to breathe. Anakin's intention to leave was expressed like a statement, but the look they exchanged was permission asked and granted between a soldier and his superior, or perhaps between a boy and his father.
She didn't care if Anakin stayed or not — it didn't change anything — but the others seemed to collectively exhale relief when he was gone. Avni was the first to speak.
"You didn't say it was Anakin Skywalker."
It took a second for Irenia to realize that the younger woman was addressing her. "You know I don't keep up with the news."
Avni was a student, working as an equipment technician at the clinic for the apprenticeship portion of her course. She was always invested in the newest word from the HoloNet boards, whether it was a recent technological development or the latest updates on the war. Irenia had never understood her interest. The HoloNet was a mire of controversy, vapid entertainment, and constant, morbid focus on every horror the week had to offer; anything useful that could possibly be found wasn't worth digging through everything else.
"We have seen too much of the war," said Roh, resting a hand on his son's shoulder, "to care to ever see more."
It was only the third time Irenia had ever heard him refer to the events that had forced them to flee their home planet. She knew that Lesk's mother had been killed there, but that was all. For the first time, it occurred to her to wonder whether Roh had recognized early on in Alpha — in Obi-Wan— a fellow casualty of the war. He certainly didn't seem as blindsided as she was.
"He's only the most famous Jedi in the entire galaxy. In the news practically every day. The media's interest makes more sense now, I guess. I bet ifhe had been deployed to the Corellian Trade Spine when—"
"Avni," snapped Irenia.
Avni didn't mean to be heedless and inconsiderate. She just had a lot of thoughts and very little awareness of when to speak them aloud. Suzor was looking pained, and Roh moved nearer to touch Irenia's elbow gently. He offered the touch to ground her, and she gave him a tight smile as she stepped away from him. She didn't need grounding.
Taking a deep breath that seemed to hurt more than it helped, Irenia said, "We should sit." She chose the chair nearest to Obi-Wan, and folded her hands tightly in her lap. Since it was all she had to offer at the moment, she aimed the same tight smile at Obi-Wan. "You said we should talk, so. Let's talk."
This room was used most of the time for meetings so the seats were arranged around a central holoprojector, but they were portable. Suzor joined Irenia as part of the existing circle, while Roh and Lesk remained standing together. Avni broke the alignment by pushing a chair over with her foot before sitting down. "You know him? Anakin Skywalker?"
She was still on that. Normally, Irenia was a very patient person, but today the urge to kill Avni with her bare hands was cropping up more than usual. She tried to view this as an opportunity to tune out and collect herself.
Obi-Wan was looking at her, grave and seeing far too much, when he answered Avni. "Yes, I trained Anakin. He has, apparently, made me proud." Turning slightly, he gestured to the Togruta girl standing against the wall. "This is Jedi Padawan Ahsoka Tano."
The girl bowed, but said nothing. She wore two laser swords clipped to a utility belt, and was clearly there performing some duty. Square-shouldered and capable, she couldn't have been more than sixteen, but wore as much unconscious authority as any veteran surgeon Irenia had ever known. So young, and wielding so much power. How could the Jedi throw children like this in front of the kind of monsters that had enslaved Duro and razed Humbarine?
"First I must apologize. I am told Anakin made some kind of threats while I was unconscious. You saved my life in this place," he said, meeting Irenia's eyes, "first by taking me in and again by restoring my memory. I hope you can understand that his antagonism came not from hatred but from concern for me. Regardless, that kind of behavior toward you all, to whom I owe my deepest thanks, was inexcusable."
Irenia looked away. She noticed that it wasn't Anakin standing here saying these things.
"He was a little heavy-handed, but the other Jedi was quite civil," said Roh.
"I'm sure we all just want things to work out well for you," Suzor said, and then ducked his head in embarrassment when he found everyone's gaze on him. He was a good intern and would be a good doctor one day, unusually humble for one of his talent. Irenia had often thought that Roh was too hard on him. "You know, it's just. You're a good man. You've been a friend to me, at least. It would be crazy to let the Jedi just... take you. People say they take kids away from their parents by force."
Obi-Wan smiled at him, but his eyes looked somber. "Thank you, Suzor. I am happy to call you friend."
"But," said Roh, never one to stray from the point, "you are leaving."
The nod Obi-Wan gave him was ambiguous. Was it just acknowledgment, or was it agreement? "Am I right in assuming that the clinic has been temporarily closed?"
"Yes," said Avni.
It was a massive headache — an entire day's worth of appointments and procedures were going to have to be rescheduled and somehow fit into their already-overflowing calendar. Not to mention the inconvenience for the beings undergoing inpatient care who should have been released today, or couldn't receive the visitors they had been counting on. It would have been irresponsible to remain open, though, and subject visitors to the circus outside. No one wanted to come for a routine checkup and have their face plastered across the HoloNet.
"Except for essential personnel, and those who had a particular interest in staying."
"And me," said Lesk, "but I don't mind if my picture is in the news."
He always came by after school and did his own work until Roh's shift was over. Neither hell nor high water could keep that boy away from his father, and today was no exception.
"The cam crews will leave when we do. If for some reason they don't, the Muracie municipal authorities should be more than willing to intervene on your behalf," said Obi-Wan, command layered so instinctively into his manner that some might not have noticed it.
Irenia did. It was hard not to blame Roh for bringing this down on them, or Anakin for making it necessary. Perversely, Irenia blamed Obi-Wan for not being Alpha. Every time he spoke and with every movement, it became clearer that he was not the same person. She saw it in the way everything he did now seemed to have been considered in advance, and the way his thoughts no longer showed on his face. Before, he had been looser, relaxed and open — now a quiet frown seemed to lurk behind even his smiles, and self-control covered him like an invisible cloak. She hated it.
It was unfair, and she knew it was unfair, the same as when she had shouted at Anakin, and the feeling likely came from the same root. She had believed, just like he had, that the implant needed to be removed. If she hadn't agreed, she wouldn't have done it, regardless of the circumstances. The time and interminable, foot-tapping waiting between then and now had given her space to realize that. Anakin had been right, and she had been afraid, so she had tried to make him the enemy and protect herself with anger.
This was the same. Irenia wanted the safety that came from building bitter walls around her heart. She wanted the fortification of outrage. But it changed nothing. He was leaving. If she said nothing and hated him, he would leave anyway.
Speaking took every piece of broken courage she could muster, and her voice was still unsteady. "You could... stay?"
Calmly, he gazed back at her with so much compassion that it was almost unendurable. "I am a Jedi. My place is with my Order."
"Fighting in the war? That's what did this to you in the first place. That doesn't have to be your life."
"But it is."
Irenia mouth pressed into a line. "But it doesn't have to be."
"No," Obi-Wan agreed gently, "but it is what I choose."
He was giving her a gift — making it easier for her to blame him, if that was what she wanted. With that realization, Irenia's anger evaporated, and all she felt was a tight pain in her chest. For him, there is no choice, Anakin had said. He was wrong. There was always a choice, and it seemed that this one had been made a long time ago.
"Did you find what you were missing?" Irenia had to wonder if he even remembered being Alpha, when his response was nothing but confusion. Had he given up his recent memories in exchange for his older ones? "Once, you told me that something important was missing. That you felt like you couldn't help looking for it everywhere you went, even though you didn't know what you were looking for. Have you found it?"
"Oh." Obi-Wan considered this. "I believe... yes. I have."
"I thought, when he showed up, that maybe it was Anakin." It cost Irenia a lot to admit, but she wanted to show him that it was all right. That she understood.
Surprised humor sparked in his eyes, and she thought that, if he had still been Alpha, he would have laughed. "Perhaps it was," he said. "I left much undone."
"What do you want done with your things? I'm sure, given a few hours, that we could pack whatever you need—"
Shaking his head before Roh even finished speaking, Obi-Wan said, "There is nothing. I give everything to you, to do whatever you think best. Could it be given to the needy?"
"There's got to be time to take something," said Lesk with dismay, no doubt thinking of his own experience as a refugee, losing everything from his old life.
Roh explained, "It's not a question of time, Lesk. The Jedi are not allowed possessions."
"Nothing?"
Obi-Wan smiled at Lesk's incredulity. "Things we truly need, like clothes and food, are provided by the Order. Everything else is unnecessary."
"Except lightsabers," observed Avni with interest, cocking her head at the hilts hung prominently on the young Jedi girl's belt.
"Do you have one?" Lesk asked.
Crossing his arms, Obi-Wan frowned. "Not at the moment, but—" he turned to look at the girl, who winced at him meaningfully "—I think I know where mine is."
Irenia was busy trying to avoid Roh's eyes, and didn't notice immediately when the expressions of both Jedi went cautiously abstract. It lasted just a moment too long, though, and she caught the end of the pensive look they exchanged, as if double checking that they were both thinking the same thing. Some energy had shifted, and Irenia knew they had run out of time.
Time was what Roh had been trying to buy her by suggesting getting Obi-Wan's things, and he was still waiting for her to volunteer to take charge of what he was leaving behind. She had spent the most time at his house, had helped him furnish it, even, and knew his projects most intimately, so it only made sense. But— sift through all that, on her own, knowing that she would never see the man who had lived there ever again? It sounded like the worst kind of agony.
"I suppose you will be leaving soon, then. The others seemed to be in a hurry," said Roh, finally catching her gaze and raising his eyebrows. Her window of opportunity to say anything at all was closing. She looked away.
"I'm afraid so. Anakin and the fleet are needed elsewhere, and I have caused enough delay already."
Caused delay by being found alive, by being freed of a parasitic torture device? Was that really how little his Order valued him? Or was it how little he valued himself? Suzor and Avni were standing, Roh moving to shake Obi-Wan's hand, and clearly what little time remained had begun to slip away. Belatedly, Irenia got to her feet as well, feeling wooden and detached. Obi-Wan was saying something again about how much he owed them, how grateful he was for their friendship.
"I was glad to know you," said Suzor, already mentally putting their relationship into the past.
Irenai stood, silent, waiting for Obi-Wan to finally walk out the door. Every minute he didn't was just extending the hurt. He was already gone. The rest was pretense. When he moved toward her, she braced to allow him to walk past, but he paused. Obi-Wan took both of her hands in his and, in shock, Irenia couldn't stop her gaze from snapping upward to meet his.
He was far too close, his eyes too blue. "Thank you," he said quietly, just for her. "I'm sorry."
"You're not sorry," she said, but managed a tremulous smile.
"I am sorry to cause you pain."
Irenia knew that, at least, was real. She had nothing to say.
Of course, in another moment he moved on, saying his farewells to the others and making his way to the door. He waited there for the Togruta girl to join him, and said something to her in a low voice that Irenia suspected was about Anakin. Irenia felt Roh standing near her, and was pathetically grateful that he didn't try to touch her again. She didn't think she could endure it.
Obi-Wan bowed to them again, a motion unbearably foreign, like it belonged in a holodrama set thousands of years ago, and then the last few seconds ran out. He stepped through the door, leaving behind their world and his place in it.
xxx
Not every astromech unit was equipped with an intersystem-rated, military-grade encrypted subspace holo-transceiver. In fact, Anakin thought he could confidently say that almost none of them were. Artoo, however, was no ordinary astromech droid. At this point, he probably had more upgrades than the most sophisticated battle droid Baktoid had ever produced.
"Artoo, comm Master Windu's personal link," Anakin said, after they had ducked into the nearest deserted room. "Code white."
Whistling, Artoo did. Master Windu would answer a code white if he were at all able to. Unless he were currently in the middle of battle — and Anakin didn't think he was, since he had answered Anakin's message just a few minutes ago — he would likely respond in ten minutes or so. Settling down to wait, Anakin was surprised to find that the room he'd found was the security room/server hub Obi-Wan had showed him last night.
The live feed from the security holocams inside the clinic showed mostly nothing, empty hallways and a few nurses doing rounds. There were only two that he could see aimed outside the clinic, covering the front and side doors; the front door one had a bad angle, but Anakin could see a diagonal slice of the street out front, and the walking path was full of people, like they were waiting for a parade. Hovercams and cam droids bobbed in the air above their heads as they moved restlessly, some sitting, others talking on comlinks or to each other. They weren't waiting for a parade — they were waiting for some Jedi, any Jedi, to finally show his face.
With a snort of disgust, Anakin pulled the chair away from the security feed and pushed it in front of Artoo. "Anything yet, buddy?"
Artoo's response was negative, and Anakin didn't sit. Having the chair in the first place seemed a little optimistic. He wasn't sure he could sit. Moving from one part of the room to the other in a route as randomly circuitous as that of a moon moth, he examined everything of note twice, and there was still no answer. He was conscious of Obi-Wan and Ahsoka just a few doors down, both bonds feeling calm and steady, and of Master Plo waiting for them at the city center.
When Artoo beeped with sudden urgency, Anakin leaped about six feet to his side. For a second, he was afraid it might be a "comm me later" message, but then Artoo fired up his projector and spotlighted the blue outline of Master Windu into the air in front of Anakin. It was a half-body holo, so he was visible from the waist up, wearing field armor and standing with his hands folded into his sleeves. Impassively, Master Windu looked Anakin up and down.
"Well, Skywalker," he said. "You've certainly had an interesting few days."
Anakin let out a long breath, the antsiness draining out of him and leaving behind only exhaustion. His headache from earlier was gone, but without that nervous energy his whole body felt dull and sluggish. Slowly, he collapsed into the chair and buried his head in his hands. "Master Windu, you have no idea."
"Tell me."
"How much time do you have?" Anakin asked through his fingers.
"As much time as necessary."
"Well, uh, Obi-Wan is alive. So there's that. But you already knew that, didn't you?"
Not reacting to Anakin's accusatory tone except to incline his head slightly, Master Windu said, "Yes. Plo reported to the Council several hours ago, but he said the situation was uncertain and wasn't any more specific."
"Yeah, it—" Anakin flicked his durasteel hand, dismissive. "He was Force-inhibited and had no memory of the Jedi Order or anything. But we figured it out. He's fine now."
Master Windu's eyebrows rose.
"He's alive, Master Windu. You know what that means."
"Do I?" The way Master Windu's face was set, he was clearly reluctant to find out.
"It means I left him on Jabiim. Just like I left the loyalists to die. I left my own master to be tortured by Ventress."
"We talked about this, Skywalker."
"No," Anakin insisted, jaw tightening. They had talked about the mistakes made with the loyalists, not about Obi-Wan.
Master Windu spread his hands in response, and just waited. This was apparently going to be one of those talks.
Sometimes, Anakin almost wished Master Windu would be like Obi-Wan — always knowing what he meant better even than he did, always out in front of him with the right answer. Since he wasn't, it forced Anakin to take the space to arrange his own thoughts, which was hard work. Often, it also gave Anakin plenty of rope to hang himself with.
His impulse was to dwell on what Obi-Wan had gone through, wrap it up together with what he felt about losing his mother, about deserting allies to die on Jabiim, about trusting his men to a traitor on Umbara — a massive, never-ending quagmire that would ensnare him forever. I fail everyone I love. The path down was familiar, and the way out was thinking about Padme.
But no. Fighting to stomp down the hopeless shame that wanted to take over, Anakin searched for the point he'd been trying to make. There had been one, he was sure. Guilt is selfishness, he thought, hearing Obi-Wan's voice from long ago. Acceptance and repentance are compassion. It was Master Windu who had pointed out that the compassion Jedi were to cultivate for all living beings inherently included compassion for yourself.
Acceptance. Yes, he had betrayed the loyalists and failed Obi-Wan on Jabiim.
Repentance. He regretted his actions, and wanted never to repeat them.
There — that was his point.
"I want to request a change of orders. Ahsoka can take the 501st to Cartao with Master Plo, but I need to go with Obi-Wan to Coruscant," said Anakin. "I shouldn't abandon him again."
Master Windu nodded, acknowledging the effort Anakin had put into stating his perspective plainly, without any escalation. "I'm afraid that's not an option."
"Why the kriff—"
Before all of Anakin's self-control could totally evaporate, Master Windu held up a hand. "Skywalker, I am on my way to Balmorra right now. We are about to launch Operation Rising Tide."
"Oh." Anakin froze. "That's... Oh. Are we ready?"
"We have to be," said Master Windu grimly. "We barely kept Grievous from taking the Core. If we don't knock the Separatists back from their advanced position, we will lose this war, and this lull may be our only chance."
"Cartao isn't part of Operation Rising Tide."
"Its government has remained neutral. Once it's secure, you'll have the necessary Mid Rim holdings to turn back and retake Commenor."
Retake Commenor, Balmorra, then Duro, and from there they could be in position to rout the Seps from nearly the entire Inner and Mid Rims. Anakin knew the plan like he knew his own name, had argued it before the Council, and was almost certain it would work. This could be the turning point of the war itself. Master Windu was right, too, that regardless of anything else, they couldn't afford to allow Grievous to maintain the swath of territory he'd captured so close to the Core.
"Do you think Padawan Tano is capable of filling your role in the operation?"
Shoulders slumping, Anakin hesitated, but there was really only one answer. "No."
This was going to be one of the most ambitious campaigns of the war, involving hundreds of Jedi and millions of clones. There was no way he would ever put that responsibility on Ahsoka.
"Then the only other option would be to put the 501st temporarily under someone else's command."
Anakin covered his face with his hands again.
That was never happening, ever. He had been a little anxious leaving his men before Umbara, but that was mostly worry over whether anyone would be as effective as he would have been. It had never crossed his mind that perhaps the Jedi Master they sent to take his place might not be trustworthy. If he had done his research and heard about Krell's high troop casualty rate— But no, no, no, no. He had to stay in the present, not dwell on the past.
"Maybe if— Quinlan—?" he tried, but ended up just shaking his head.
Even if he could convince someone he absolutely trusted to cover him, like Quinlan or Master Ki-Adi, the 501st didn't know them; they would only know that Anakin had put their lives in the hands of a stranger again. It would be fatal to their cohesion and put them through so much unnecessary trauma. He wouldn't do that to them.
"Operation Rising Tide is half your plan, and your force will face some of the most brutal fronts of the offensive. It's not just a matter of having any Jedi to fill a slot. We need you, Skywalker, if we are to succeed."
"Someone always needs me. Obi-Wan needs me too," said Anakin, but it was weak.
"Why?"
"Because. I left him on Jabiim—"
"I understand your desire not to repeat past mistakes, Skywalker," said Master Windu, tone dangerously reasonable, "but unfortunately, you're still talking nonsense."
Anakin bristled, crossing his arms. "Well maybe if you let me finish—"
"I'm sure I can predict the rest of it. You're reluctant to leave Obi-Wan because it was physically letting him out of your sight that led to his capture, right? It had absolutely nothing to do with allowing your anger to destroy your connection. So you're going to avoid this error by keeping your eyes on him from now until the day you die. Except—" Master Windu made a show of peering around at Anakin's surroundings. "Uh oh. Looks like he's not in the room with you right now. Better check if he's been captured again."
"Don't treat me like I'm stupid," said Anakin, stung by the sarcasm. This wasn't a game.
"Then stop acting like it. Am I wrong?"
Anakin was sure what he had been trying to say was vastly more logical and important than Master Windu's parody, but when he tried to articulate it, nothing came. "I—"
Master Windu sighed. "What else happened?"
"What?"
"Skywalker, the amount of rationality you are showing is sadly minimal. That Centares job was supposed to be a simple clean-up. What else happened?"
Confused, Anakin said, "Nothing. We found the information leak and plugged it. We got the info from the Separatist comm stations. I'm sure Clone Intelligence is working it over now. And I found Obi-Wan."
Master Windu narrowed his eyes. "When was the last time you slept?"
"I just woke up from a nap actually," said Anakin snidely. "And I was unconscious for a while after the asteroid thing, if that counts."
"Ah," Master Windu said. "The asteroid thing."
"Yeah, a hiccup during one of the comm station busts. It's all going to be in my report."
"Tell me."
"I didn't call you to dissect some stunt I pulled. We're talking about Obi-Wan!"
"All things are connected." Master Windu let his arms fall to his sides. The motion looked tired. "Humor me."
Slumping deeper into his chair, Anakin dropped his head against the seat back and squeezed his eyes shut. Fine, so maybe if he gave Master Windu what he wanted, he would be more cooperative about the orders. He'd thought about the possibility of bringing Obi-Wan with him for the duration of the mission to Cartao, but that was stupid. Obi-Wan needed the healers.
"Okay, so, two asteroids. Both comm stations. Both rigged with countdowns. Ahsoka took one, I took the other. Mine went routine. Ahsoka ran out of time. I ordered a retreat, but the thing blew while they were still too close, so I kind of—" he lifted his hands, cupping them as if holding a large ball "—in the Force."
Master Windu blinked at him slowly, his holo-image shimmering with static that only emphasized his absolute stillness. "And then you were unconscious."
"Yeah, sort of. I kind of blew out. I was conscious but just — not in my body."
"Where were you, if not in your body?"
"In the Force?" Anakin shrugged. "At least that's what it feels like."
"I see," said Master Windu, like he didn't see at all. "You knew this would happen?"
"I had no idea what would happen. But I couldn't let them die when I could stop it."
"Some things are not within your control, Anakin."
Hearing Master Windu actually use his first name forced Anakin to sit up. Dragging a hand down his face, Anakin cocked his head at Master Windu's holo. "You just got done telling me that I'm the one irreplaceable key to winning the war."
"I never said that."
Disapproval darkened Master Windu's tone, but Anakin just raised a weary eyebrow. "You kind of did."
Master Windu looked at him evenly. "You are not alone, Skywalker."
"Then why is it always me? Seriously, Master Windu. If I hadn't saved Ahsoka and my men, who else would have?" he demanded, frustration rising. "If I don't take Commenor, who will? If I hadn't stopped Grievous at Alderaan? If I hadn't won on Praesitlyn? If I hadn't upgraded the Venators?" It went further back, all the way to that droid control ship he'd destroyed over Naboo when he was just a kid, and much further. All his life Anakin had been driven by a constant, imperceptible pressure, knowing that he had to be faster, stronger, smarter, better. If he failed, people died.
"I'm almost certain that it's not just you holding the galaxy together, Skwalker."
Master Windu spoke ironically, and he probably wasn't thinking about the Force planet that had kidnapped Ahsoka and Anakin a while ago, but his words rang unpleasant bells in Anakin's mind. The strange Force being calling himself the Father had insisted that it was Anakin's responsibility to tame both Light and Darkness, leash them and bring them to heel like obedient kaadu. When he'd reported the experience, Master Windu had said it was likely just some kind of shared vision. Anakin wasn't so sure if he agreed.
The Father was dead now, but, vision or not, it seemed like the galaxy kept finding new ways to hammer his message into Anakin's skull in every day.
The Chosen One.
Anakin was trying, but he had always known deep down in his heart that he could never live up to that title. He could never be fast enough or strong enough to save everyone. No matter how many victories he won, he would never stop the suffering. He couldn't be everywhere, and so even his successes came at the cost of the successes he could have achieved elsewhere. Everything he did, even the good things, was a mistake if you flipped it over and looked at the other side. On some level, it made him feel like, since he could never truly win anyway — why not prioritize what he wanted?
Anakin's hands had clenched into fists. He was glad Master Windu was lightyears away. Hopefully, he couldn't sense the smoldering despair building inside Anakin's chest. Struggling to keep his voice empty of bitterness, he said, "I promise you, it's not my ego talking. Sometimes I'd give anything to not have all this— riding on me."
What would life be like if he were just a normal person? Sometimes Anakin thought about it, daydreaming about a world in which he could make mistakes and it wouldn't matter to anyone. Where he could do what he wanted, just because he wanted to do it, and come home to Padme at the end of the day. It was a glorious fantasy, but only that.
Looking at it in the harsh daylight, Anakin knew that if he had been born normal, he would have lived and died a slave.
"Sometimes," said Master Windu dryly.
Anakin grinned, sharp and false. "It's mostly not my ego talking."
Master Windu was right. There had never really been any chance of escape for him, so it was better this way. This way, he at least had the power to save some.
Mind spinning away into dark corners, Anakin was taken aback when Master Windu said, "So. Tell me again why you need to go with Obi-Wan."
"Because," said Anakin. He had nothing planned to say after that, but to his surprise, the words fell into place as if they had always been there. "I'm afraid that if I let him go, I won't ever see him again."
Master Windu folded his hands into his sleeves again. It was hard to tell through the blue lines of the holo, but Anakin thought his eyes almost smiled. "Traveling through safe territory toward the Core, it's unlikely anything too terrible will happen."
Terrible things happened everywhere. Master Windu knew that just as well as he did.
"But it could. And if I was there, I could stop it. But since I won't be there—" Anakin cut himself off, horrified at how his eyes had begun to sting with moisture. Not this again. He felt brittle, like a cracked piece of pottery someone hadn't quite mended the right way.
"You sound almost superstitious."
"No. I just know that I couldn't take it if something happened to him. Not a second time," said Anakin, raw and plaintive. He cleared his throat, fighting for control. "Not when I could stop it."
"That is what you have to realize, Anakin. If it happened, you couldn't have stopped it." Master Windu's voice was very quiet. "Not by being somewhere else. Not by doing something differently. You are where you are. You do your best. No matter how powerful you are, that's all you can ever do."
Anakin let out a long, harsh breath that only wasn't a scream because there was no sound. Trusting the Force was one thing, but what if the Force didn't want the same things he wanted? The future wasn't set in kriffing stone. If he could know something ahead of time, he could be in the right place when it happened. He could stop it. Master Windu said he could only do his best, but what if his best was infinite?
"If I had known—"
"But you didn't. You don't," said Master Windu, gentle but unyielding. "You listen to the Force. You go where it leads you. You do what you can, where you are, because that's the only place you can be. The only place you could have been." He was speaking in the most simple sentences, as if Anakin were a youngling just learning about the Force.
"What if I don't know what the Force is telling me?" Blinking rapidly, Anakin willed his body to stop trembling, his muscles to relax, his eyes to dry. Nothing seemed to obey him.
"You do your best."
His best wasn't enough. There had to be more.
Anakin wasn't confused — he was afraid. The Force was clear in this instance. When he could find it and push his own noise away enough to hear, it was often clear, like it had just been waiting for him to ask. Listening was the hard part, because sometimes the Force wanted sacrifices Anakin wasn't willing to give, and he was afraid, afraid, afraid. How could he give up the control that kept himself and everyone he loved safe? Any Jedi would tell him that control was an illusion, but in Anakin's experience it was the most real thing in the galaxy.
"Anakin?" It was Obi-Wan's concerned voice, and he padded into the room as quietly as a shadow. "I can feel that something's upsetting you."
With that, Anakin's last thread of composure dissolved, and hot tears began spilling down his cheeks. He made a noise that was half growl, half sob and pressed the heels of both his hands over his eyes. When he felt Obi-Wan touch gentle fingers to his head, stroking through his hair comfortingly, Anakin gave up on ever finding his serenity again.
"Hello, Mace," said Obi-Wan pleasantly. "What are you doing to my padawan?"
Anakin could feel the undercurrent of threat there, where part of Obi-Wan was not joking at all. When Master Windu responded, the smile in his voice was obvious, and Anakin knew he had read Obi-Wan's tone as well. "It's good to see you, Obi-Wan. It's been a while."
Turning in his chair, Anakin wrapped his arms around Obi-Wan's waist and pressed his face into his master's stomach. He figured he might as well, since he couldn't seem to stop leaking water regardless. Both of Obi-Wan's hands came to rest on his head, and Anakin couldn't imagine letting him fly away all alone.
"I want to go with you to Coruscant," Anakin said indistinctly into Obi-Wan's tunic.
Obi-Wan did not stop stroking his hair. "Then come."
"I can't."
"Then don't."
This time, Anakin definitely growled. "But I want to."
"Honestly, Anakin." Taking a fistful of the curls at Anakin's nape, Obi-Wan tugged softly. "I don't think this is actually as hard as you are making it."
Anakin heard Master Windu's quiet laugh, but he had grinned through his tears himself so he couldn't be too irritated. In retaliation, Anakin pressed his head hard against Obi-Wan's ribs. "You are so intolerably annoying and I'm so happy you're not dead."
"I suppose," said Obi-Wan, "that I might as well take that as a compliment."
Anakin sighed, turning so that he could look at Master Windu. He had been watching Obi-Wan thoughtfully, but his gaze fell to meet Anakin's eyes. Hopefully, the monochromatic holo didn't transmit the blotchiness of Anakin's face.
"I can't let him go alone, Master Windu," Anakin said, voice low. Against his cheek, he felt the rise and fall of his master's soundless exhale. Obi-Wan thought he was being ridiculous, he knew, but he hadn't had to deal with the aftermath of his death. He didn't know what it was like. The actual dying was the easy part.
Master Windu just raised his eyebrows, amused, like he was still waiting for Anakin to catch a clue. "Like I said, Skywalker, you're not alone. No one said he had to be, either."
Leaning back, Anakin tilted his head to look up at Obi-Wan and frowned slightly at how white and drawn he was. Anakin had expected to be harried at least a little about his excessive worry, but Obi-Wan just let his hand drop away from Anakin's hair and waited.
"Ahsoka can go," Anakin realized.
When he reached for her, he found her just beyond the room. "I asked her to wait outside," explained Obi-Wan, and Anakin nodded, distracted. Having Ahsoka accompany Obi-Wan back to the Temple wasn't as good as going himself, but it would be at least something. She had long since proven that, with or without his help, she was an excellent Jedi and a clever warrior. Surely they would be safer together.
"You may also want to note the relative positions of your respective destinations," said Master Windu.
"Cartao?" Anakin wasn't sure he knew where exactly it was.
"That's not so far off the Perlemian Trade Route."
There was no reason for Obi-Wan to know that either, but it was foolish to expect Obi-Wan not to know a thousand useless things. "Is it not?" Anakin spun in his chair, scowling. The Perlemian Trade Route was the massive hyperlane anyone traveling from Centares to Coruscant would have to take for most of the journey, and apparently it ran by Cartao as well? It was just like Master Windu to let him spin totally out of control while sitting on an obvious solution. "Why didn't you just say that in the first place?"
"You seemed determined to fight about something," said Master Windu, sounding bored. "Why didn't you look up your orders before calling to yell at me?"
Chagrined, Anakin retorted, "You were the one who wouldn't let me finish what I was trying to say."
"Skywalker, you couldn't follow a train of thought right now if your life depended on it. I was doing us both a favor."
Obi-Wan watched this exchange with growing incredulity, eyebrows climbing higher as Anakin sputtered. "I'm fine!" he said. "You've just gotten too used to being on the Council. Can't handle letting anyone else have the last word."
Master Windu gave Anakin a pitying look. "I suggest you spend several of your travel days sleeping. I'm serious, Skywalker. If you tried to take a sentience test right now, you would fail it."
Anakin huffed, but for once decided that it was time to retire from the field before being embarrassed any further. "How long is the trip to Cartao?"
Tilting his head at Obi-Wan, Master Windu deferred the question, probably because he just wanted to test whether Obi-Wan knew.
"Two or so days in a straight shot," said Obi-Wan. "That much we can travel together. From there to Coruscant the route is slightly more complicated."
"More so than you know," Master Windu agreed grimly. Since the Separatists had taken a chunk out of the Inner Rim, travel times to the Core had gotten a lot longer.
"We can figure it out on the Resolute." Anakin would have two more days with Obi-Wan, and then Ahsoka would escort him the rest of the way to Coruscant. It wasn't what he wanted, but it was enough to calm his panic. He would have enough time to make sure Obi-Wan knew he wasn't abandoning him.
"Yes, after you've slept. I doubt you can even read your own name at this point, much less a map."
Anakin rolled his eyes. Yes, ha-ha. Master Windu had reminded him already that he needed to better manage his physical body if he wanted to better manage his emotions. It was getting old, and he knew from experience that Master Windu wasn't even close to running out of creatively scathing things to say.
"Look, I'm sorry. With the asteroid and the stim shot and everything—" He shrugged, shifting awkwardly. "I knew I wasn't in a good headspace. I should have taken a step back and read the orders. I'll do better, Master Windu."
"I know you will, Skywalker." Master Windu inclined his head, and then returned to his usual brusqueness. "Are we done?"
"Think so. We're returning to the fleet and should be able to deploy within the hour."
"Good. I'll be in contact."
"May the Force be with you," said Obi-Wan automatically, and Master Windu nearly smiled at him.
"It is good to see you, Obi-Wan," he repeated. "May the Force be with you."
Artoo cut the transmission, and Anakin sagged in his chair. Rubbing his eyes, he groaned and began painfully unfolding himself from the seat. "We are good to leave?" he asked. "You squared it with the civilians?"
Obi-Wan took a step back, watching Anakin stretch with an unreadable expression. "Yes. There's still the HoloNet welcoming committee outside, but that's all."
"No problem. Let's get out of here." He patted Artoo's dome. Obi-Wan said nothing, still staring at him, gaze level and incomprehensible, and Anakin was suddenly uncertain. His master's mind was turning in thought, but for all his thin shields, Anakin couldn't even begin to guess what he was thinking about. "What?"
Obi-Wan's eyes narrowed slightly. "You apologized."
"I mean, yeah," Anakin said, hesitating. "I lost it. I was out of line. Why?"
After another second, Obi-Wan shook his head. He moved away, both physically and in the bond, pushing down whatever had caught his attention. "We should go."
"No, what, Master?"
Anakin followed him. He wasn't content to be brushed off and meant to drag whatever it was out of Obi-Wan, but then Ahsoka was there. She had leaned against the wall to wait for them and pushed herself upright, working hard to broadcast brightness. Expectant, she looked from Obi-Wan to Anakin, searching for some cue to take, but Anakin was confused and Obi-Wan was still undecipherable.
"You ready to go, Snips?"
"Absolutely," she said, trying not to be obvious about how she was eyeing him. "Did you call a larty?"
"Not yet."
Starting toward the front of the clinic, Anakin punched Master Plo's channel into his wrist comm. Ahsoka and Obi-Wan fell in behind him and, as he listened for his comm, he heard her say something to him in the background. A furtive question about how someone was doing, but Anakin couldn't tell if she was asking about him or about Obi-Wan himself.
Obi-Wan's quiet answer could have applied to either one.
"As well as can be expected."