Sasha rocked herself back and forth, squeezing her arms around her legs, burying her face into her knees as she sobbed. She couldn't tell. She could never tell. Nobody would believe her. They all made sure of that. The stupid dirt sheets. The stupid rumors. The tweets and comments on instagram. They would all just think she was making it up now.
But she wasn't.
Sasha could feel the anxiety creeping back into her, her breathing coming out in short gasps again, her chest starting to tighten….
She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to squeeze the anxiety out of her chest, but her breaths were coming too fast for her to catch them. She choked, her heart pounding in her ears now. She stood up, feel lightheaded and dizzy, stumbling over to the furthest wall. She leaned her head against the wall, trying to count to ten and make it go away. She whimpered, images of last Monday flashing through her head. Telling Bayley she was going for a walk, not telling her to come with her….she should have told Bayley to come.
But she hadn't wanted her to.
Undeserving. Untalented. Useless. Pathetic. Crybaby. Ungrateful.
Sasha tried to erase the words she had seen all over social media out of her head. But they were too loud, practically screaming into her brain, making her cry harder and harder and harder, choking on the sobs that just would not stop. If they only knew the truth.
She tried to count to ten again, but it wasn't working. She couldn't stop crying. She could feel herself getting dizzy again, struggling to breathe.
"Sasha? Honey, please let me in?"
Bayley. She could vaguely hear Bayley outside the door. She didn't want her friend to see her like this. She didn't want anybody to see her like this….
Sasha stumbled away from the wall, gagging now as she continued to struggle for breath, kneeling down next to the toilet, not having the strength to hold her head up. She cried out in pain as her head hit the toilet seat, seeing stars for a moment.
And then there was a lot of noise.
And suddenly Bayley and Charlotte and Becky were all in the bathroom, Bayley kneeling down next to her.
Sasha fought against Bayley's arms with what little strength she had, managing to catch her friend in the face. She heard someone grunting, she could only assume it was Bayley. Everything hurt. Her lungs hurts from crying and choking and gagging. And her heart felt like it was going to shoot out of her chest at any given moment. Her face soaked with tears and beat red from a lack of oxygen.
And she felt someone grabbing her from behind, causing her to scream and fight against them, her arms connecting with someone again….
"Sasha! Stop!"
She moaned as she was lowered to the ground, someone climbing on top of her. No. No. No. No. No. No. She couldn't see clearly. She couldn't see who it was that was on top of her. She cried out, thrashing her head around. "P-p-p-please please n-n-no," she whispered, her voice weak and thready from everything.
She wanted to fight them off, she needed to fight them off….but she was too weak, too tired…. She couldn't.
"Breathe, Sasha. Come on, honey, breathe through your nose. You're gonna be okay, I promise, love."
Sasha moaned, feeling consciousness slipping away as the anxiety overtook her, trying to breathe, not wanting to pass out. She followed the soft voice, trying to breathe through her nose.
"Good. Now let it out through your nose again."
Becca's voice. Becca was talking to her. She could hear her. Becca was here with her, next to her ear, drowning out the voices that were being mean to her all week.
"Okay, do it again. Breathe in through your nose and then out again."
Sasha could feel her breathing slowing down as Becky continued to coach her through her breathing, reality slowly coming back to her. She stared up, the tears slowing down enough for her to be able to see her friend's face, Becky's green eyes staring back at her; nothing but concern in them.
She glanced at Bayley who was practically straddling her, although Sasha wasn't really fighting anymore.
"Welcome back, honey," she whispered, Sasha blinking as Bayley ran her hand through Sasha's hair, placing a kiss to her forehead.
Charlotte came into her view, kneeling down next to her, placing a cool washcloth over her forehead, Sasha closing her eyes as Charlotte gently wiped at her face, the sensation feeling so good.
"Thank you," she whispered, her voice raw and still very weak.
Bayley eased herself off of Sasha, immediately pulling her friend into her arms, never wanting to let her go, rubbing her hand up and down her back, showering her hair with kisses.
"That was a pretty bad panic attack, Sasha. How long have those been going on, baby?" whispered Bayley, Sasha whimpering in Bayley's arms, letting her wall down as she started to cry, soaking in the comfort as Bayley rocked her back and forth.
"Have they been this bad all week, Sash?" asked Becky, gently rubbing her back. Sasha nodded in Bayley's arms, clutching at the back of her friend's shirt as she continued to hold her.
"Come on, honey. Let's get you out of the bathroom, alright sweetie?" asked Bayley, Sasha nodding weakly against her. Charlotte helped Bayley up, Bayley adjusting her grip on Sasha as she carried her out of the bathroom and into the living room, lying her exhausted body onto the couch, sighing when Sasha refused to let go of her shirt.
"You want me to stay with you?" asked Bayley, Sasha nodding. Bayley nodded, brushing back her hair and offering her friend a gentle smile. "Okay. I won't go anywhere. I'll stay right here."
Charlotte walked back into the kitchen, hoping that Sasha had some kind of tea or something lying around that would help soothe her throat, which had to be killing her, Becky following closely behind.
"Holy shit. She is in bad shape, Char," whispered Becky, opening up cabinets in search of something.
"What the hell happened to her, Bex? We were both there that night….something happened to her. I just don't know what…."
Becky sighed, finally finding some packets of tea and handing them to Charlotte, who had started boiling some water on the stove.
"She'll tell us when she's ready, I guess," said Charlotte, focusing her attention on the task in front of her. Hoping that that moment would come sooner rather than later.
What the hell could have happened to a happy 27-year-old woman that left her in shambles almost instantly?
Bayley gently pulled the blanket Sasha left draped over her couch over her friends body, continuing to stroke her hair and her cheek, Bayley just wanting to offer any comfort she could.
"Thanks for staying with me," whispered Sasha, wincing at the soreness in her throat. Bayley smiled, placing a kiss to her friend's nose, letting out a small smile when Sasha rolled her eyes at the childish gesture. "You never have to thank me for loving you."
Bayley looked up as Becky and Charlotte returned into the living room, a cup of tea in hand.
"How you feeling sweet pea?" asked Charlotte, Bayley helping Sasha sit up as she gratefully took the cup of tea Charlotte was handing her. "Better."
Charlotte smiled, placing a kiss to her friend's forehead. "Good."
Sasha averted her gaze, focusing on the cup of tea, savoring how it felt on her throat.
"I….I'm sorry," she whispered, taking another long sip of the tea before placing on the coffee table.
Becky tilted her head, "What for, love? You haven't done anything wrong."
Sasha shrugged. "I….for you guys having to see that whole panic attack and….for hitting you during it," she whispered, turning her gaze to her fingertips, tracing the outline of the bruising on her knuckles.
"Hey, none of that was your fault, sweetheart, okay?" stated Becky, forcing Sasha's gaze to meet her own. "Darling, we're very worried about you though. That panic attack was really bad, Sash…."
"I know," whispered Sasha, closing her eyes. "I'm sorry."
"Baby, stop apologizing, right now," said Bayley, squeezing Sasha's hand.
"Honey, talk to us. Tell us what is going on in that head of yours. What is it that's causing these panic attacks? The not getting out of bed? Not taking care of yourself?" asked Becky, sitting down on the arm of the couch, Sasha leaning her head down on her thigh.
"I can't tell you. I'm not ready," whispered Sasha, taking a shaky breath, closing her eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry!"
"Shh, shh, shh," soothed Bayley, Becky gently stroking her friend's hair. "It's okay, Sash. It's okay if you're not ready. It's okay," whispered Becky, Bayley gently easing Sasha back onto the couch, pulling the blanket over her once more. "Just close your eyes, okay? Get some rest, honey. You're exhausted, babygirl…"
Sasha closed her eyes, trying to squeeze out the thoughts that were creeping back into her brain. You'll never be like Becky and Charlotte. You're nothing more than a crybaby who has already earned far more than you ever deserved….you would be nothing if it weren't for being part of the four horsewomen….
Sasha managed to drift off to sleep, her mind still far too occupied with the words and images of last Monday night that flashed through her mind every time she closed them.