Chapter 12
Family matters
Minea ran her fingers softly over the books on the shelf. She had been staring at them for a while, unable to move. The library was quite dark although there were candles burning. Minea knew that she needed to go to her chamber; the maids had prepared her a bath. She needed to bathe before her husband would come. Yes, she knew all that, but her body refused to move.
The library felt like a safe place, she wanted to stay here. More like hide here. She truly was pathetic. The worst part was when she felt a tear rolling down her cheek. She hated herself for being so weak. Yet all she could think about was the pain, fear and humiliation. The smell of alcohol. She didn't want to endure it again. Unfortunately she didn't have a choice.
All she could do was try to numb herself and go somewhere else when her husband would use her body. She didn't want that. She didn't. The scared little voice at the back of her mind told her to run. She really wanted to slap herself for being so pathetic. All married women had to fulfill their duty, she didn't think that any of them enjoyed it. How could they enjoy being used like that?
Her septa had explained these things to her and advised her to be submissive. It would make the whole thing easier for her. The first time would be the worst, but she shouldn't expect that she would start to enjoy it after that. Women weren't meant to enjoy it. Not that she hoped to enjoy it, but she had hoped at least a little kindness instead of being treated like a whore. More tears streamed down her face. Stop it. Stupid, weak little girl.
"My lady?" a male voice suddenly said.
That startled her so badly that she jumped.
"Lord Jon," she murmured, trying quickly to dry her eyes.
His dark eyes observed her calmly.
"My apologies, I didn't mean to scare you," he stated.
"That's alright," she replied, desperately trying to pull herself together.
"What brings you here in this hour?" he asked.
"I… I was looking for something to read," she managed to say. "How about you?"
"I'm not much of a reader, but I enjoy the peace and quiet," he replied. "There is usually no one here this late."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I was just leaving…"
"No need, you are not bothering me." He paused and crossed his arms. "Is everything alright?"
"Yes," she murmured. "Thank you for asking, my lord."
He hesitated for a moment before continuing.
"Are you grieving for your nephew?"
"No, I… I barely knew him. Of course I feel bad for my sister, but…"
She had no idea how to continue and she didn't really want to have this conversation.
"I should go. I bid you good night, my lord."
"Wait," he sighed when she tried to walk past him. "Have something happened? With the servants or…"
"No. I… Everything is fine, my lord."
"Are you sure? You can talk to me, my lady; I will help you if I can."
"Why?" she asked tiredly. "Why would you want to help a Lannister?"
He pressed his lips together.
"Look… I know things haven't been easy for you and… I won't deny my loathing toward your family, but I don't loathe you, my lady. You haven't deserved to pay for everything your family has done."
She looked at him, suddenly feeling defiant.
"Should I also loathe my family? Is that the only way to earn my place here?"
Jon frowned. He was the only person who had shown her kindness here and Minea knew that she should stop talking. Yet she couldn't.
"I know that my family is hardly flawless, but they are still my family. My father is a harsh and I'm sure a cruel man, but he also offered me a safe place to grow up and he has never laid a hand on me. My sister has done bad things, but she wasn't always the person she is now. She was once a young woman who had hopes and dreams. My brother Jaime has never been anything but kind to me and my brother Tyrion has looked after me ever since I was a child. I don't really know Cersei's children, so I can't say anything about them."
She paused and straightened her back.
"I know that your family have suffered because of my family and I'm sorry, but I can't hate them. I have tried my best to be a good wife and I would like to be useful here, but I don't know how when no one wants me here. I'm sure you think I'm nothing but a spoiled girl who doesn't know anything about the real world and perhaps you're right. I do miss my home and the safety I felt there. I… I don't know if I'm strong enough."
A long silence followed her words. She swallowed, fearing that she had just angered the only person who could have maybe become her friend. Finally he spoke.
"Yes, you are right, my lady. My family has suffered a lot because of yours. But as I said, I don't loathe you. You have never wronged me in any way and I have no desire to wrong you."
"Thank you, my lord," she replied cautiously.
He nodded.
"As I said, I don't believe that you deserve to pay for everything your family has done, but I hope you can understand why some people might question your loyalty."
"I… I suppose so. I just don't know how I could prove myself."
"Well… I think time will help you with that. You have a kind heart, my lady, I believe in time people will see that."
She looked at him and dared to smile.
"Thank you, my lord. I believe you also have a kind heart."
"I don't know about that. War changes people. Robb for example was very different before the war."
Minea bowed her head.
"He was a very kind man," Jon continued. "He believed in justice and honor. He still does, but he's not the same man anymore."
Minea wasn't sure what to say.
"I hope that you can still find it in your heart to believe that he's not a monster."
"I don't think that he is," Minea replied quietly. "I just…"
"What?" Jon asked when she didn't continue.
A flush was rising in Minea's cheeks; she certainly wasn't comfortable talking about this with Lord Jon.
"I should go. He said that he will…visit me tonight."
"Oh…"
"Thank you for everything," Minea said sincerely and touched Lord Jon's shoulder. "You are a good man, my lord."
He cleared his throat.
"I didn't do anything."
"You did," she assured and curtsied. "Thank you."
She felt much calmer as she walked out of the library. She was ready to face her husband.