CHAPTER 3

"No. Please. I… I can't… no more…"

"Dean?" Dean's quiet mumbling woke Sam who was still sleeping beside him.

"Hurts." Dean cried out to the imaginary thing that was hurting him.

"Dean. Hey, man, wake up." Sam gave Dean's shoulder a gentle shove.

Dean fought against the hand that touched him. "I…. I can't." He cried out.

Bobby woke with the commotion from the bed next to him. "Everything okay?" He grumbled out with a rough tired voice.

"I think he's dreaming, Bobby. I think he's dreaming about whatever happened with the djinn."

"Gotta wake him."

"I'm trying."

Bobby grumbled as he pushed himself from the bed. He gave a hard slap to Dean's shoulder. "Wake up, boy!"

"Hurts, Bobby." Dean mumbled through his still half asleep daze.

"Yeah? Why don't you wake on up and tell me about it."

Dean grunted and groaned as he attempted, and failed, to push himself into a seated position. Another groan escaped his lips as his body refused to do what he wanted.

"Need help?" Sam offered.

"I got this, Bitch!"

"Okay, well you just lay there and wear yourself out from being stubborn." Sam couldn't help but roll his eyes.

Dean struggled a little longer, his body reaching the point of exhaustion before Bobby stood and pushed him into a seated position.

"I didn't need your help." Dean complained.

He may have said he didn't need their help, but they all knew he did. He may be sitting but he was still leaning against Sam. He needed him more than he was willing to admit. He needed him to hold him up, to keep him stable, both physically and mentally.

"You're so damn stubborn!" Sam added. "But at least that stubbornness kept us from having to carry you in here." He lightened his mood and voice.

"I told you I got this." Dean huffed out.

"Yeah, well I didn't expect you to be able to walk the entire way in here." Sam admitted.

"You told me I could."

"And you did."

"You didn't expect me to?"

"Man, I don't even know how the hell you're functioning at all right now."

"Now you tell me! I could be laying around doing nothing instead of struggling and now you tell me it would be okay?"

"It's not okay."

"You just said it was!"

"It would be okay for anyone else. But you're stronger than anyone else. So, no, it's not okay for you."

"You're a real bitch. You know that Sammy?"

"Yeah, and you're a jerk, but I still love you."

"God, shoot me now!" Dean grumbled, earning a laugh from Sam.

"How you feeling?" Bobby interrupted.

"Like I've had my blood sucked out of me."

"Yeah? How's that head of yours?"

Dean shook his head. "I…. I don't know."

"That was one hell of a dream you were having."

"Was it?"

"Yeah, seamed to be."

"I don't know. How can I be sure it was just a dream?"

"Don't rightfully know how to answer that."

Dean nodded his head and allowed his body to shift slightly, leaning more weight against Sam. "Bobby, I don't know what I'm supposed to think right now."

"Wanna tell me what that dream was about?"

"I…I don't know. It's like… before…or I guess in my dream djinn land… you would know everything. But if it's not real. If you don't know. How… how do I tell you?" Dean paused to release a sigh. "How do I even know if it's real?"

"Start by telling me what the dream was about. We'll talk about it, work through it. I'm sure I know more about you than you realize."

"I'm sure you do."

"So, what was it about?"

"So… so much shit happened. I… I thought it was all real. I don't know, Bobby. It all still feels so real."

"Some of it might be."

"That's what I'm afraid of. If I could tell myself it was all fake it would be okay. But, I can't do that can I?"

"No, guess not. Now, how about you talk to me so we can figure it out."

"It's… it's like I don't know… now that I sit and think about it… maybe I can remember stuff, only it's different than the way… man… I don't know what the hell to think!"

"Just start with one thing at a time. Dean, start with what you were just dreaming about." Bobby attempted to keep him on track.

"Dad. The others. They uhh…. In my dream that I just had… it… it was a little different than what really happened. Or what happened in the dream world… I guess?"

"Start with what the dream was about."

"They umm…. I can't, Bobby. I can't do this! I need a shower."

Dean pushed himself from the bed, allowing his brother to support his weakened body, and help him to the bathroom door. Once he had arrived at his destination he pushed himself away from Sam, needing his own alone time.

Dean felt like a failure at his own life. He felt alone at this moment. He needed someone to know what was going through his head, he needed someone to understand. But he couldn't dare put that kind of weight on the only two men who were there for him.

He allowed his lonely tears to slip away with the water that beat down on him. His shaking hands pressed against the wall for support. His knees feeing like they were too weak to stand. He drew in a deep breath and released it as he turned the water off. He wasn't ready to return to the ever watchful eyes, but that thought was better than Bobby and Sam having to pull his naked body from the room after he collapsed from weakness.

He made sure he was fully dressed in sweats and a T-shirt before exiting he room. As soon as the door was opened, Sam was there to offer his support as he helped Dean back to the bed.

Dean couldn't complain, couldn't even pretend that he didn't need, or want, the help. His body was too weakened from the simple task of standing for so long. He lowered himself to the bed, leaving his hand on Sam's arm just a little longer. He wanted, no he needed, the physical contact of support.

He closed his eyes as he slid his hand from Sam's arm. His fingers dwindling just a little longer. He took in a deep breath, relishing in the moment of silent comfort. The short moment of easy breathing, the thoughts of clarity.

"I…. I think…. I think it's real." Dean's voice was so quiet it was hard to hear, but the unreal desperation was loud and clear.

"What's That?" Bobby questioned.

"I… I don't know." Dean sighed

"Well, only one way to find out. Spill what's in your head."

Dean glanced up at Sam, unsure how to approach the situation, then back to Bobby. "I uh…. Dad he didn't always leave enough money for what we needed. Sometimes it was because he was gone longer than expected."

Dean paused to catch his thoughts before continuing. "I… I had to do what I had to in order to keep Sammy fed." He hurried his head in the pillow beneath him in shame.

"It's real." Sam whispered.

"How do you know?" Dean's attention was brought back to his brother.

"Dean." Sam raised his voice so the men could hear him. "I may have been young. I may not have understood everything. Hell, chances are I don't know the entire story. But I wasn't stupid. I know you went out at night. I wasn't always asleep."

"Whhh…what… what do you…uh…you know?" Dean shuttered with the thoughts of his baby brother knowing what was in his head.

"I know I wasn't always asleep when you would leave at night. I know I wasn't always asleep when you would come home." Sam wiped the sweat from his brother's too cold brow. "Or when Dad came home before you would get back."

Dean's body shuttered. "That… that was real too?"

"The way Dad treated you? Yeah. Yeah it was."

Dean nodded his head before lowering it again. "I'm sorry." Dean whispered.

"Dean, you don't have any reason to apologize. It's all in the past. Besides, it's like you said, you did what you had to. You always have. No one can fault you for that."

"I…I'm not sure what's real and what isn't." Dean sat up as he started talking, avoiding eye contact with anyone. He stared at his hands that sat limp in his lap.

His wrists were red and puffy. Where the ropes had hung for so long was swollen. His fingertips were white and still felt too cold. They trembled, he was unable to stop the trembling or have much control over them at that moment.

"I…" He shuttered with a deep breath. "I know… I think I know… I would…i…. uh… I don't know how to do this, Sammy."

Sam rubbed a comforting hand across his brother's shoulder. His arm was already wrapped around him, giving him much needed support. "Just say what's in your head."

"I… I cant…. I don't… I don't know what to say."

"Just say it. I don't think any of us care about how it's said."

"Sam…. I don't want… I'm not gay."

"No one said you were."

"I was too young to do anything else."

"Did you have sex with other men? Is that how you took care of me?"

Dean shrugged. "Not sure. I don't know if there was ever intercourse. Some… some tried… If what I remember is true that is."

Sam nodded with a sigh of relief. "So what did you give them blow jobs or something?"

Dean lifted himself from his brother's grasp and nodded. Tears threatened to fall.

Sam cleared his throat. "Dean, hey, it's okay man. I mean. Other than stealing or begging, I don't really see any other way for a kid to make money."

Dean shrugged. "I was… I was like nine when…you know…when I figured out it was a possibility."

Sam nodded, clearing his throat to stop the tears from rising into his eyes. "Dean, I mean you really didn't have a choice. And, I don't see how that changes anything. You're still the same brother I've always had."

Dean gave a crooked smile as he glanced back at his brother. "Thanks."

"As far as what happened while you were out, I'm sorry, I can't answer that."

Dean nodded.

"But I was awake when you came home some times. I laid there and listened to you throw up and cry in the shower."

Dean leaned back against Sam and grasped a handful of the front of his shirt.

"And, the couple times I was awake when Dad got home and you weren't there. I can tell you about those too."

"Did he beat me?" Dean's hand shivered against Sam's chest.

"Yeah."

Dean nodded again, too unsure to speak.

"He didn't always punish you in the room. Sometimes he took you to the bathroom, sometimes outside. But, you would be hurt for awhile afterwards. And not just from his belt."

"I hated that belt." Dean couldn't get his voice to go above a whisper.

"Yeah, I know you did. I hated when Dad used it on you. I remember the fear in your eyes when he pulled it out."

"When you were like 2, did Dad leave us with a man and woman?"

Sam nodded. "They were a couple hateful assholes. The man really had it out for you! I can't remember their names but I remember you keeping me safe from them."

"He beat me with his belt. That's why I was so scared of it. He… He umm… he tried too but he couldn't… he… I… I think I was too young, too small… he couldn't get what he wanted with me. He had me do other things instead. That's why I had to keep you away from him. He said he would make you do what I had to. He said he would beat you."

"What did he make you do?"

Dean chuckled. "I didn't even get paid from that son of a bitch! He's the one who taught me how to blow someone. Not that it really mattered. Not that I remembered the lessons on how he liked it."

Dean stared off into space, his mouth kept talking but his mind had turned silent. "He got pissed because I called Dad. I begged him to help us. I begged him to keep you safe."

Sam rubbed the side if Dean's arm. "He came, you know. He came because I pissed him off. He came because he was going to punish me for making him mad. When he got there I was crying and the man was screaming at me. Dad… he kicked the door down. I remember he had a hold of my arm and when Dad grabbed me and pulled me from him it finished breaking it."

Dean released a distant laugh. "Not that it really mattered. Not like Dad gave a shit anyhow. He did what he does best. He left us. He left me. He expected me to take care of you and didn't even bother fixing my arm first. I had to do that myself."

"Dean." Sam had to clear his throat again. "I'm sorry. I didn't know all of that."

"Yeah? What difference would it make if you did?" Dean's voice seemed to rejoin them in the present. "Dad knew and it didn't matter to him."

Dean shook his head, drew in a deep breath, and pushed himself from Sam. "Anyhow, enough of that!" Dean managed to run his hand down his face and looked up at Bobby. "How the hell do I get rid of all this shit in my head?"

Bobby sat listening to the boys. Tears had filled his eyes. His lips quivered as he fought against the tear's will to fall. "I… uhh… it's gonna take time."

"Time. Right. Fuck this! I'm so damn tired of everyone saying it's going to take time!" Dean's emotions had shifted to uncontrolled anger.

"Dean, calm down." Sam spoke gently.

"Calm down? Calm down? How about you get mind fucked and see if you can calm down!"

"Okay, I get it. But getting angry isn't going to help anything."

Dean released a loud sigh as he allowed his body to drop onto its side on the bed. "Cover me up, will ya? It's cold as hell in here!"

Sam done as requested, allowing his brother to rest his overly tired body and mind. "Just give it time, Dean. It'll all be okay. You'll see. It's all going to be okay."