Letters from a Lost Love

Chapter 6: Catharsis

Later that day…

Ariella rose from bed, leaving her husband asleep, and walked quietly down the stairs to the kitchen.

Connie was already awake.

"How is my new sister?" she asked, a sly look in her eyes.

Ariella didn't miss it.

"I'm fine, Connie. And stop doing that. I'm not telling you anything."

"What?" Michael's sister asked, feigning innocence.

Have all the people in this family gone crazy or is it just me? Ariella wondered.

Connie laughed. "I'm just kidding, Ri. Are you going to make dinner?"

"Yes. There's just something I need to talk with you about."

"What is it?"

"How did you find out I was raped?"

"Michael told me."

"I see."

"He didn't go into details, if that's what you're worried about."

"It's the fact that he told you anything at all without my permission."

"Oh."

An awkward silence settled over them, then Connie asked, "So, what are you making for dinner?"

"Pasta alla Norma with arancine."

"He'll like that. I'll help as much as I can. If you want me to, that is."

"I'd appreciate it."

Ariella touched Connie gently.

"I'm not mad at you. I'm just surprised."

"Please don't be too angry at him," Connie pleaded.

Ariella didn't answer, just turned to the fridge.

Connie thought it best not to push her luck.

When Michael came downstairs an hour later, everything was set.

"This looks amazing," he praised, kissing Ariella's cheek.

"Connie helped. I hope you like it."

"I'm sure I will."

They sat down, Ariella watching his face carefully.

"I've had your cooking before, don't look so worried."

"This is a little different."

Michael took a bite, chewing slowly, then placed his fork down.

Ariella waited.

"That was perfect," he told her, squeezing her hand gently. "I told you there was nothing to worry about."

At least, nothing concerning dinner, Ariella thought to herself.

She kept her emotions under tight control, trying not to make Michael too suspicious.

After dinner, he said, "Let's go out in the garden."

"All right."

Once they were seated, he asked, "You seemed distracted at dinner. What's bothering you? You know you can trust me with anything."

"Can I?" Ariella began. "You told Anna and Connie I was raped, without asking me how I felt about it, without any consideration of what that would do to me. I would never have told anyone things you didn't want them to know."

"I thought you told Anna. I had no idea…"

"And when you discovered she didn't know, why did you tell her anyway? I had my reasons for not telling her, did you ever think of that?"

"You're right. I shouldn't have said anything to either of them. I was just so worried about you…I guess I wasn't thinking straight," he said finally.

"That's not good enough. You betrayed me. I don't think I can trust you anymore."

"Ariella, please."

"No. I love you, but I have to be able to trust you, and I can't. You know I would never betray you. I'm just asking for the same courtesy."

"That's fair. I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't work this time."

Michael thought for a minute, then said, "I give you permission to tell Connie the truth about Fredo's death."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"So you're willing to have Connie hate you for the rest of your life just so you can prove to me I can trust you?"

"Yes. Whatever you need, I'm yours. Always."

"That's…I don't know what to say. Except that I won't do it. It would hurt you too much, and I can't do that to you. But I appreciate the thought. Unless you were doing this because you knew I wouldn't tell her."

"You don't actually believe that."

"Should I?"

"No."

Ariella looked at her husband intently. She thought she knew him, but she also knew that people could always surprise you.

She decided to give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

"I forgive you for telling them," she said finally.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Thank you. I promise never to tell anyone anything unless we talk about it first."

"That's all I wanted."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"Why did you want me to dominate you earlier today? I just figured, after what you've been through…that would be the last thing you would want."

"I'm not sure what to tell you. Honestly."

"I'm not going to judge you. Just tell me."

"Well, I knew you would never hurt me, and after being at your side for so long, I guess I just wanted to know what it felt like from someone I loved and cared about. Physically, at least. I sound crazy, I know."

Michael placed his hand over hers.

"You're not crazy. But that isn't quite what I meant."

"Oh, you want the psychological reason."

"Exactly."

"Well, I'm not a psychologist, but if I were to hazard a guess, I'd say it's probably because I've been so used to being dominated by everyone in my life in some way, I wanted it to be my choice for once. I don't know if that makes sense or not."

"It makes perfect sense."

"I think a lot of people would disagree and say I should just get used to being treated gently. But I'm not. I can't. That's exactly how my rapists treated me, like a fragile thing. They would make me dress up in all these costumes and model for them, like I was a little girl again. They'd say, 'Let me take care of you' and 'Don't worry, this is just like a playdate. You like playdates, don't you?' Over and over again. It drove me insane. And there was nothing I could do about it except hope it would be over soon. That's why I never told Anna anything, because I was trying to protect her. She couldn't have helped me. If she told the police, the two of us would have been separated. And I loved her too much to let her interfere. I also didn't want to lose you or anyone else in your family. I wouldn't have been able to handle it."

"So you made the hard choice."

"Yes."

Michael marveled at his wife's strength and insight. Not many people could have done what she did. Once again, he knew he had made the right decision in recruiting her to the business.

"I wish we could have done more for you. I'm sorry we didn't."

Ariella gave him a quick smile.

"You did more than enough, Michael. All of you did. You didn't know I was raped, but Vito knew I was being abused. In his small way, he did more for me…all of you did more for me than even my own sister did. Sonny made sure I got enough food. I used to hide in Vito's study. He had this space that no one else knew about, and he never ratted me out to my mother. And he would stall her many times so I could sneak back to my basement."

"I never knew that."

"He didn't want too many people finding out the truth. He and Carmela…they were the parents I always wanted. I loved them so much. Just as I loved all of you. I shouldn't say this, but sometimes I felt closer to all of you than I did to Anna. You gave me a place I could call home."

"I'm glad we could help you, even if it wasn't perfect."

"It was perfect for me. Just like you are."

Michael gave his wife a soft smile.

They were silent for a few minutes, then he said, "You know, I find it easier to talk to Neri when I need advice or just someone to vent to. If you need to talk, you can talk to him. Or Connie. Just a suggestion."

"That sounds like a good idea. Thanks."

"You're welcome."

Connie knocked on the door to the garden. Michael waved her in.

"Is everything okay?" he asked his sister.

"Anna is here. She wants to talk to Ariella. She's not happy."

Ariella sighed.

"Fine. Tell her I'm coming."

A few minutes later, Anna and Ariella were talking in the living room.

"You look better," Anna began.

"No thanks to you," Ariella retorted. "You couldn't have stayed to make sure I was okay?"

"I was angry with you for not telling me you were raped."

"And that means you ignore me?"

"No, but…why did you tell Michael before you told me?"

"There was no reason for you to know, Anna. You could have gotten raped yourself, and I was not going to let that happen. Besides, when you got older, it didn't matter as much. You were married and happy, and I was trying to get my life together."

"That's not a good reason."

"Protecting you isn't a good reason? Give me a break."

Anna glared at her sister.

"Why are you doing this? Why do you feel the need to shut me out of your life?"

"When have I ever done that?"

"All the time. I did my best to keep you safe from our mother."

"You want a medal or something?"

"What is wrong with you?"

"Look, don't pretend you did your best. You and I both know that's a load of crap. You were too busy hanging on to Mother's coattails to care whether I lived or died."

"That is not true!"

"Really? When I took the fall for you after you took that joyride around town (drunk, I may add), and when you had those orgies in your bedroom when you came home from college, you didn't even thank me. You were the adult. I wasn't. But I wasn't going to let people think the worst of you. So I let people in this town call me a whore and treat me like I was dirt, all so you could keep your reputation."

"I'm sorry. But come on, Ri, you didn't really expect me to stand up to our mother, did you? I was just having fun."

"Right, because getting every STD imaginable is so much fun. And as for standing up to our mother…you never did that. Not once. So don't tell me you were a great sister, because you weren't."

"I don't know what you expected me to do, Ariella. You were always getting into trouble, and Mother was just disciplining you."

"Locking me in a cage was discipline? Please tell me the logic behind that. I'd love to hear it."

"She said…"

"I know what she said. And you soaked up every bit of it. I can understand you believing that when you were five, but not forty-three! You laughed at me with your stupid friends. My life was just a joke to you. And I forgave you for it because I didn't want to hold on to all that anger. The joke's on me, I guess."

"I was just a silly kid."

"Who turned into a silly adult. I'm sick of you making excuses for everything. You don't seem to realize there are consequences to every action. I don't pretend I'm a saint, but you have made a living off of it. Your precious husband doesn't know the half of what you've done, and I won't tell him. But I really hope you don't treat your children the way you treated me, or their lives will be very tragic."

"I'm sorry!"

"Tell it to someone who believes you. Because I don't."

"Ariella…"

"I'm done with you. Goodbye, Anna."

Once her sister was gone, Ariella leaned against the door, tears rolling down her face.

She loved Anna, but she was tired of having to fix everyone else's problems.

Anna hasn't grown up one bit. She still thinks she can do whatever she wants and nothing bad will ever happen to her.

"Are you all right, sweetheart?"

Ariella quickly dashed the tears from her eyes.

"I'm fine, Michael."

Her husband held her gently.

"It's all right. I'm right here."

"I never did anything to her. All I wanted was for us to feel like a real family. But she couldn't even do that. She couldn't protect me."

"I will."

"What?"

"I'll protect you. You'll never have to feel that way again."

"I'm so tired. I'm tired of people hurting us because they think they can get away with it. And I'm sorry you have to deal with all of my issues."

"I never want to hear you apologize for something like that again, Ariella. We're a team, just as we have always been, and I love you. We share each other's problems and find solutions."

He kissed her gently.

When they pulled away, Ariella said, "I think I'll go find Connie. You were right, I do need to talk to someone, and I think she would be the best person."

"I'll be here if you need me."

"I know," Ariella said quietly. "I know."