Chapter 4: The Quiet things that no one ever knows

"When you've gone I'm still here

I know you'll come around

I'm waiting patiently

When you've tried all other ways

You'll come back for me"

(from: Still here by the Perishers)

Lily's POV

You heard his name whispered by many in the camp that morning.
You hadn't believed it at first; that he had returned.
He belonged in your past.
He knew you when you were someone else.
When you were still that women that had big dreams.
That still believed in a bright future.
You had no idea what was left of you now.
A part of you feared that he would know the things you had done to get where you were just by looking at you.
That he would look at you and see the shame you carried with you.
But most of all that he would judge you for the choices you had made.
He had always had a way at seeing right through the defences you had built around you.
It scared you more than anything else.
He had been the only person that had really seen you.

You felt his presence long before you saw him.
He was sitting at the other side of the railway cart that now was his home.
He looked up as you came through the door and your eyes met.
Fear gripped you then.
Not of this man before you.
But the feeling he evoked in you by just looking at you.
You refused to acknowledge what that feeling was.
If you let yourself explore that glimmer he evoked in you at that moment would lead you down a path that only would cause pain.
You knew that.
You had been down that path before.
You remembered a night long ago when you had been willing to explore that feeling inside to see what it might lead you.
You had foolishly believed that the feeling he evoked in you just by being near you was reciprocated.
That he had wanted you.
That he felt something for you.
But you had been a fool.
Just a weak, pitiable woman.

So as you entered his home you told yourself you had come representing the railroad and that was the only reason you had come.
That this was a job and nothing else.
But the truth was that the reason you had come was that you wanted him to accept and understand the choices you had made.
That he would somehow ease the burden of your shame.
The shame that you had fallen so far from the women you once was.
That he would know the struggles you had gone through after he left.
That he would not blame you for being weak.
For the fact that you had let go of dreams of another life.
You refused to acknowledge the fact that you wanted this man's approval.
That you needed it.
But most of all you refused to acknowledge the fact that the way your heart seemed to swell and beat in your chest as your eyes met his.
You chalked it up to nerves and nothing else.
You were supposed to be a leader now.
A woman of strength and power.
And you refused to show weakness to this man.
Not again.

He looked weary of you at first; almost like a caged animal.
He rose from a sitting position and took a step towards you.
You had imagined what you would say to this man if you ever saw him again.
Of the strength, you would show.
But as you stood there your words failed you.
"Lily".
You should scold him for speaking to you so informally.
But a part of you liked to hear him say your name once again.
To be that close to the man that you owed your life to.
"Our foreman's been killed."
Your voice trembled a little bit as you spoke and you hoped he didn't notice.
He took a step closer to you.
You wanted to back away but you knew that would only show yourself as weak and you refused to let that show.
So you stood there meeting his gaze. He broke eye contact and said:
"Yeah, saw him out in front of the whorehouse. He didn't look too good."

As you stood there looking at this man who had entered your life when darkness seemed to engulf your world all you could remember was the light he brought with him.
He had infused your life with hope.
He had made you feel stronger and braver.
There had been a connection between the two of you the moment you met.
You have seen it and you had felt it.
But that all went away when he left.
A part of you wanted to hate him for the fact that he had walked away.
You had so many questions.
So much you wanted to say to this man.
But fear had a way of holding you back.
Fear of answers.
So instead of looking back you were determined to look forward and ignore what once was.
You had become a master of ignoring things.
You tried to sound strong and confident as you spoke:
"You'll have to ride out to rail's end. The men are waiting for orders."
"Yes, ma'am."
He turned away from you and started to gather up his things.

You had done your duty.
You moved towards the door.
You should go.
But something made you turn towards him and say:
"Mr Bohannon, you may have heard that..."
Your words failed you.
Shame burned in you then.
Your eyes met his and he said:
"You're working for Durant now?"
You searched his eyes for judgement.
But you found none.
"For the railroad, yes. He's been very kind to me. Actually respects my opinion."
You wanted so much for him to understand.
You needed him to understand.
"Sounds good."
"Yes, well you know how people talk."
"To hell with people. Glad for you, Lily."
A sense of relief engulfed you then.
You wanted to say something to him.
That you had missed him when he was gone.
That you had thought about him.
Dreamt about him.
But you couldn't say that.
To much time had passed between the two of you.
And so many ghosts still lingered.
Your eyes met his and for a moment you saw the man that once had held you in your arms and danced with you.
And maybe you could believe that that man wasn't gone.
You made a choice to believe that. So you granted him one of your rare smiles and said:
"Thank you. Good day, ".
Then you walked away from him.

End 4/?