The jounin bar. A fanfiction staple to the point of cliché. An excellent setting for writers to do slice of life, comedy, or the start of a romance in. There is a reason the sitcom Cheers ran so long. The bar is very relatable. I'm certain fanfic writers everywhere would be tickled to find out there was one.
It was even secret. -Ish. Nestled between a strip joint and a betting parlour in the red light district, the roof of which I was crouched on. Practically every ninja knew it was here, but everyone had their own theory on how to get in. From wrestling a bear to withstanding Gai's Lecture On Youth, Parts 1 through 10, in one sitting.
Now on vinyl. I really wish I was making that up.
Jounin don't just take missions to make ends meet, ya know. You have to look towards retirement, even if it's unlikely.
But no, all you really had to do was get in without looking like a total and complete idiot.
"Hey there, Spider."
Which I had nearly managed. I froze and looked over my shoulder.
"Hello Mitarashi-san," I said. That most infamous of Konoha kunoichi chuckled evilly as she looked me over.
Neither the manga nor the anime did her justice. The many drawings I had seen of her on the internet did her no justice either. Think Chinese supermodel and the hottest MMA fighter tossed in a blender and set on damn. I was torn between two strong first impressions: "magically babelicious" and "run for the hills".
And that wasn't even my inner spider suggesting that.
"Rough first day for the new teacher?" She asked, eying me like a cat does a meal. I stayed in a crouched position, where I felt most comfortable.
"Not particularly. My shadow clone took the explosion, so no harm, no foul."
She snorted, "Heard you got Team 7, I guess I'm not surprised you got blown up already."
I shrugged. "Take one egotistical 'genius' rookie of the year, add an enthusiastic but dumb deadlast, and stir in one useless kunoichi fangirl. Tale as old as time. Nothing some horrible suffering in the name of teamwork won't fix."
"See, this is why I like you, Andoryu," she grinned. "You have such a wonderful sense of priorities."
"I like to think so," I managed.
"Aww, aren't you cute, acting so jaded and detached," Anko cooed. She leaned over and grinned.
Oh bouncing Buddha on a cracker, the Fishnet is true! Think about the logistics of theater scale troop movements!
"Well, I, um." I said. She slunk over, swinging her hips and making herself very... Very...
No! Latch onto fear of females! It's a very spiderish thing to have! And it's good in this situation! I tear my gaze back to her face finally.
"So, are you going to go in, or what?" She asked, face leaning uncomfortably close to mine. I managed not to blink.
"I was waiting for you," I said. She grinned.
Stupid stupid stupid!
"How flattering," she said. "Not up to this all by yourself? Want me to hold your... Hand?"
This is definitely something my Other was superior to me in: Not going totally crazy in fear or lust over Anko.
"How could I turn down an offer like that?"
Okay, maybe my Other was just suicidal.
Oh I'm screwed, totally screwed… Hopefully?
Then she did something very... Well... There's no other way to say it.
She giggled.
"All right," she said, and took my hand. "C'mon, they've got a special on that Iwa Sake. You can buy me a few."
"Sure," I replied, standing up. We jumped down to the entrance, still holding hands. She looked like she was rather enjoying the entire experience.
God knows a large part of me was too. But seriously... I knew, knew there was something horrible in store for me. Both sides, me and my Other, were well aware that nothing good happened to us without incredible terror or trauma happening after. Or before.
In this case, probably during.
The jounin bar was nice. Simply decorated, but clean, with several tables in front of the bar itself. Most were occupied; from Hayate in the corner with Yuugao, giving every vibe of a simple night out, to Asuma and Kurenai at different tables. Clearly, their relationship was "off" at the moment.
Aside from an old jukebox in the corner, playing something that sounded a little like Bach set to guitar, the biggest "decoration" was a wall full of photos, stretching from the entrance to the bathrooms. Anko noticed my look and quirked an eyebrow.
"Oh, right! First things first. WHO'S GOT THE CAMERA?!"
To my considerable shock, it was Morino Ibiki who, turning on his barstool, produced a camera. Anko grinned and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
"C'mon Newbie, smile," she said. I offered a small smile to the camera, and with a flash, the picture was taken. Anko grabbed it and pinned it onto the wall with a senbon. Ibiki calmly went back to his drink. Something blood red.
Huh. Didn't figure him for the bloody-mary type.
"There, you're officially in," she said sweetly.
"I like the ceremony, very brisk," I nodded in approval.
"Leaves more time for drinking," Anko returned. "Speaking of..." She dragged me right to the bar, practically tossing me on a stool. She plopped down cheerfully next to me.
"Barkeep, four specials!" Anko's grin made me both fear for my wallet and a little more for my life.
"So, congrats on the team." I turned to look over my shoulder as Asuma joined us. I noticed Anko's slight rise in tension, and mentally I smirked. Sometimes even a ninja can't tell when they're unwelcome. It was a nice boost to the ego as well, but I decided not to dwell on that.
"Same to you... Ino Yamanaka, Chouji Akimichi, and Shikamaru Nara, right?" I recited. I shook my head with a grin. "They stuck em all together and handed them to you?"
"Of course! A natural capture team," Asuma explained. "And they've got potential." He smirked.
"Heard about yours. Rookie of the Year, and the Deadlast..."
"Yep, pretty much," I spoke. I nodded kindly to the bartender as he brought our drinks. I set down some money, and glanced over as Anko began to drank. What can I say, anything this woman does is sexy and frightening.
"Mmm..." She noticed my look, and smirked at me. I smiled back. I then abruptly noticed Asuma was still talking. Jeez, even as a single person I could recognize when two other people are on a date and wish to be left alone!
"Managing a good team is like a good relationship... Or so I've heard..." He continued.
I nodded a little, and sipped my sake. Bizzare. I've had sake. I hated it. My Other seems to love it. Perhaps the body over rides some things, as I quickly downed the saucer and began to fill it from the bottle again. I idly wondered if I could type 45 words a minute now, or if I lost that skill when I gained my current set. The whole time, Asuma continued to drone on.
"But, you're a good ninja, from what I've heard..."
"Mmhm..."
"... So really, Rookie, you've got to make the most of it. It's not really fair, but well... there you are. Life is unfair."
I could understand Asuma was trying to help, or perhaps simply trying to keep away from Kurenai? Either way, I got annoyed. Really annoyed. And when I get annoyed, well... My inner geek comes out strongest.
"You know, um… I used to think that it was awful that life was so unfair," I began. "Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe."
I sipped my sake calmly, as Asuma fell silent. He then chuckled and shook his head.
"Ha! I think you'll be fine," he said.
"Yes, thank you for the advice," I replied.
"Don't think you'll be better than that though," he returned glibly. I shrugged, took another sip. Damn, this stuff was good... I felt... Happy.
"Nah, things are looking up. I've got a team full of potential. Everybody looks at them and thinks of all the headaches. And they're not wrong. But after that… The shiniest diamonds take the longest to polish."
Asuma raised an eyebrow. "Perhaps. Still, don't get cocky. You've got a long climb ahead of you," he continued.
I nodded. "Who doesn't?"
"Fascinating, really Asuma, but beat it. Mine for the night, you understand?" Anko had finally had enough and interrupted, wrapping her arm around my waist. Asuma blinked, looked between us...
And studiously kept himself from smiling.
"Ah, apologies… A very long climb," he added, before giving me a nod and moving off. I smiled and nodded back.
Anko's arm remained.
"Up for another round?" She asked. I blinked.
"That was quick." She'd finished her bottles off fast. She grinned broadly.
"I have a big mouth."
I coughed. "A little unsubtle, that," I commented.
Anko laughed and patted my cheek. "A time for all things under the sun. Sometimes subtlety is a waste of time."
"Can one make a single entendre? Or does it simply devolve into lewdness?" I asked, after taking another drink of my sake.
Was it a new bottle? Was it the old bottle? Who cared?
"Ahhh... You're the philosophical kind of drunk," she observed.
"I am not nearly as think as you drunk I am," I replied. "Simply... buzzed. And I am philosophical because I have nothing more interesting to talk about."
"Really, and if I found what you have to say interesting?"
"I'd think you are very, very bored."
She laughed warmly, and patted me on the back. I looked at my saucer and finished it off.
"It's all in one's perspective," Anko commented. I looked over at her with a blink.
"How true. And what is your perspective?"
She grinned and bumped her nose against mine. "That you're cute. Especially with your low tolerance for alcohol."
Another drink. I looked back at her.
"I'll have you know, my eyes are my cutest feature," I replied.
"Yes, all four of them," she observed. She took another drink, emptying her bottle happily. I watched. I liked watching her. I resolved to do it more often.
I was vaguely aware of the looks shot our way. I may have been a lightweight, but my Other was well trained. Looks of some interest, perhaps for gossip purposes. Trust me, Konoha has a whole section devoted to rumor mongering. It's part of information control in an age without social apps. And anyone associating with Mitarashi Anko? Prime material, especially if that someone had just been handed Team 7 for training.
Infamy and rumor went hand in hand with the Ninja Way. It was something you learned to live with.
"YOSH!"
Oh, and lunatics. Did I mention the lunatics?
A strong arm came around my shoulders, and it wasn't Anko's. I smell the spandex and talcum powder right away, and part of my mind chided me for letting Maito Gai, of all people, sneak up on me. It was unbecoming of a spider, a predator, to let him sneak up upon me.
"Hello, Tsume-san! It is good to see another worthy ninja join the ranks of instructors! I wish you and your students a long and happy youth as you work together, becoming stronger and learning from each other!"
"Um... Thank you, Gai," I replied. He patted me on the back hard enough I would have flown over the bar, had I not been expecting it.
"You are most welcome, Tsume-sensei! Haha! Bartender! My usual!"
After grabbing a jug of sake, Gai immediately gave us space and sat at the far end of the bar. I stared after him for a few moments. Gai has a strong personality, but there's a reason he gives Kakashi a run for his money. Clearly he was more perceptive than Asuma, at least at the moment.
Anko elbowed me. "Oi, he's not the one you're supposed to be staring at," she stated.
"Sorry, I think I'm a little nonplussed," I replied, looking back into her warm eyes. Anko smirked.
"You?"
"A little... I'm only human. Take pity on a young drunk jounin?"
"So you're drunk now," she asked.
I looked at the evidence spread across the bar in front of me.
"Probably. Not sure. Always tried to stay away from the stuff. Long line of drunks in the family tree."
Anko nodded, and pushed her own bottle away.
"Do you want to sleep with me?"
I blinked. "What does that have to do with me being drunk?"
"Just answer me."
I decided to be honest.
"No I don't want to sleep with you. I want to have sex with you."
I abruptly wondered why the entire bar was so quiet. Anko stared at me for a little while.
A wide smile appeared on her face, and she tightened her grip around my waist.
"Would you say that if you were sober?"
"Perhaps. Perhaps not. But it wouldn't make it any less or more true. Vino veritas." I recited. Anko chuckled. I felt a hand on my ass.
"You're very lucky you're so cute," she murmured. She grabbed the last bottle of sake, downed it, and wiped her mouth with her sleeve. She looked at me.
"Pay the bartender. We're going to your place. Don't worry, we won't get much sleep."
I smiled cheerfully back, and tossed the bartender some coins. I wasn't sure how many, and before I could check, Anko was dragging me out the door.
I suppose honesty was the best policy... If you were honest about it.
••••••••••
I had only ever had one hangover before in my life, and it was a fairly mild one. Considering the stuff my brain gets up to on benign substances like Crystal Light or more oxygen than usual, and the medications I've been on for depression, I am not particularly eager to turn my brain into a children's chemistry playset.
My Other had no such maladies, but also drank sparingly. As I had mentioned, a family history of destructive alcoholism had only stopped with our father, and we had no intention of starting it back up again. Even Ben relied on other vices.
So, suffice it to say, I was expecting to wake up in head-splitting agony.
I did, but it wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. The very warm, soft person against me in my bed certainly helped.
Wait, what?
"Hnnngh..."
I opened my eyes. The sight of a very asleep, very naked Anko greeted me. Her cheek rested against my chest, and she was drooling onto my skin.
I stared in total and complete shock for about a minute. Inside, my mind waged war as it sought out an appropriate response.
YES! YES! YES! YES! AWESOME! WOO HOO! I AM THE MAN! I AM THE MAAAAN!
My libido's response was expected, but unhelpful.
Marry her right now!
I wasn't certain if that was my inner prude, or a part of me that couldn't believe I had gotten so lucky and didn't think it would happen again.
Don't you dare move! She might eat you! And not in the fun way!
My inner spider instincts had woken up, and were equally unhelpful.
My bladder suddenly made itself known, demanding priority. As slowly and carefully as I could, I tried to slide out of Anko's embrace. She tightened her grip immediately, humming softly in her sleep.
I grinned. Now that she was unconscious, she was slightly less 'sex on two legs' and more adorable.
I still needed to visit the porcelain throne. I tried to move again, but she clung on even more tightly. I have to admit, it was seeming less attractive to leave. Especially as some memories came to light.
I formed handseals.
"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu," I whispered. A perfect (and naked) clone of myself appeared next to the bed. I formed another set, and as quickly as I could, replaced myself with my clone. Anko sighed softly and wrapped her legs around my copy, who did not look in the least bit unhappy.
My jealousy died in the fires of logic. After all, how could I be jealous of myself? I'd get the memories sooner or later.
I stumbled over to the bathroom, a bit too late realizing how sore I felt all over. I finished business before staring into the mirror and drinking several handfuls of water. I noted that a ridiculously silly grin was on my face. I couldn't really argue with it either.
It was just so disconnected, so... Unreal. I was still processing everything. I decided to try and relax a little with a shower, and not disrupt this feeling of euphoria with excess thinking.
The world, however, had other plans.
"Yo."
"GAH!" I spun around, pulling a kunai from behind the shower head. I growled angrily when I saw that it was Kakashi, sitting in the window with a cheerful smile.
"Nice night?" He asked. I narrowed my eyes.
"Yes, actually."
"Good, good..."
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"Well, the Hokage told me to personally bring you a message, but you were rather busy. I felt a bit bad about dumping team seven in your lap, so I ended up... getting side tracked."
Huh. Maybe he's not a massive prick after all.
"I appreciate it."
"So! The message is here now." He handed the scroll over.
"What is it?"
"Do you believe I would violate your privacy?"
"You know enough to decide that it wasn't time sensitive," I pointed out.
He shrugged in surrender. "Your sensei tried to escape last night... He was asking for you."
It was as if the entire universe turned freezing cold. My jaw was set, my expression stony. The other shoe had dropped.
"I see..." I sighed. "I'll take care of it after I see to my team."
"Your prerogative, Tsume-sensei," Kakashi said. He nodded lightly. "I'll be in touch." He leapt out the window, leaving me to watch him go with a sigh.
Well... Could have been worse. He could have come in last night. Thank God there was a kind of Guy Code around here.
As I made my way to Naruto's apartment, I fought the feeling of imminent doom. I doubted that my team (and boy, was that going to take some getting used to) had killed each other. Even they weren't that stupid, and Kokubogumo would keep them from causing significant harm to themselves.
I expected them to still be squabbling, or just miserable in general... The smell of cooking breakfast and the sounds of some bantering, however, made me reconsider my earlier assessment.
"Stop pushing Naruto!"
"Well stop pulling! I can't cook like this!"
"Damn it, Sakura, I need my hand!"
Kokubogumo was sticking to the ceiling above, casually knitting a sweater. As the only human, I had been forced to make my own clothing during the year on the Spider Plane, and the old spider had taken to it as a hobby. She looked down at me with the spider equivalent of a smirk.
"The young do not always do as you might expect," she commented. I smirked back and nodded.
"You didn't have to bite any of them, did you?"
"Only once," she admitted. "After that, they quieted down."
I nodded again, before peeking into the kitchen.
Team 7 was crowded around the stove, still bound by their wrists. However, Sasuke was cooking up what looked like a tomato and fish stew, while Sakura worked on chopping some fruit. And on the other side, Naruto was tending to rice.
"Naruto, do you have a lemon?"
"A lemon? What do you need that for Sakura-chan?"
"It keeps the fruit from going brown. Never mind, salt will work."
"Huh. Are you done yet bastard?"
"Almost, dead last. But every time I have to answer you it's going to take longer."
"Yeah yeah. You know, for 'rookie of the year', you sure cook slowly..."
A smirk- "I could always use a Katon jutsu-"
"I swear to God, if you do I'll break your arm!"
"Would you two stop arguing? I'm almost done!"
I climbed up onto the ceiling, and watched silently as my pupils put together their breakfast, and with some considerable coordination, got it over to the table. I was amused at the start, but now I was genuinely pleased.
"Itadakimasu...!" Naruto cried before eagerly digging in.
Sakura rolled her eyes. "You helped make it, you know... You don't have to thank everyone..."
Sasuke huffed. "At least he's taking the time to bother... Show a little gratitude?"
"Ha! The meal's mostly thanks to me!" Naruto snarked back.
"Oh yeah?"
"It's my kitchen..."
"Which you didn't even know how to use without us."
"Go to hell, Bastard!"
"Already there, Deadlast."
Sakura, having lost her patience, kicked both boys in their shins under the table.
"OW!"
"Gah!"
"Wait until I get my hands free." Sakura shook her head with a sigh. "Can you please just eat? Sensei's going to be making us go through more training, and I want to have all the energy I need!"
"What happened to 'being thin for Sasuke-kun'?" Naruto smirked back. "OW!"
"I'll have you know, Sasuke-kun admitted he likes girls with curves," Sakura huffed with a blush.
Sasuke's spoon froze on the way to his mouth. "What? Where was I when this happened?"
"I heard it from a reliable source!"
Naruto grinned. "Which is why sensei had to order you to finish your lunch, huh?"
I dropped down and cleared my throat. All my students started and looked back at me. Surprise turned to death glares. I smiled brightly back.
"Good morning Team 7! I've got to admit, I'm really impressed..."
"You're late!" Sakura bellowed.
"YEAH!" Naruto growled.
"I disagree. I'm right on time," I said. I made a few hand seals, and spat out three quick shots of a natural solvent. The silk bonds dissolved.
"Huh?" Naruto asked. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"You've passed my test," I replied cheerfully. The three expressions of shock on their faces was great to see, even though Sasuke recovered quickly.
"But... Wait... What was the test?" Naruto asked.
"You didn't kill each other, and you're working well together to make breakfast and made the best out of a bad situation," I said cheerfully. "It's not just blowing stuff up together, it's living together that makes the best ninja. I admit it's not a high bar to pass, but you've got to start somewhere."
My pride was in no way feigned. I had thought that the brats would, at best, still be alive. But I could pick up on a real bond between them all, forged in suffering. And really, aren't those the best kinds?
"So, we start missions after lunch... Unless you'd like to start one now?" I asked.
The trio looked at each other, then back to me.
"No way," Sasuke said flatly. "I need a shower."
"Me too! I mean... Where the hell were you?" Sakura demanded.
"It's been two days!" Naruto snarled.
I stared in disbelief. My internal clock was usually pretty spot-on. Come to think of it though, I had never spent two days screwing a walking personification of sex before, had I?
Kokubogumo laughed behind me, and I coughed in embarrassment.
"I... was on a secret ninja mission. Very hush-hush. Anyway! You're dismissed until noon, and then, missions! That work for everyone?"
Unanimous nods. I turned to go.
"By the way, Sensei," Naruto called. "We're gonna get you back for this."
I smirked a little. "Of course! I look forward to it."
Well, it was better than having to go see my old sensei.
Speaking of which…
••••••••••
Interestingly enough, Konoha's ninja prison was pretty much as it was portrayed in the filler episodes of the anime: placed on a large rock outcropping over an active volcano. The rock bridge was rigged up with explosive seals, which, if detonated, would send the whole thing into the volcano below, along with it's (presumably) rioting and out of control inmates. Practical and pitiless. You can't say they hadn't prepared for a worst case scenario.
The prison itself looked pretty much like you'd expect a prison to look like. Boxy, drab, and ominous. Properly foreboding. The air was hot and thin, and it was only due to some kind of intricate seal work on the outside and inside that you could breath easily.
Into this dark pit of despair and horror I went... However, I didn't go alone.
"Sensei, um... May I ask why we were brought along?" Sakura asked. I frowned slightly as we walked through the corridors of the prison, led by one of the guards. Naruto and Sasuke looked curious as well.
"It's just a quick stop, then missions," I said.
"Who are we visiting, anyway?" Naruto asked.
The guard opened a steel barred gate ahead of us, and we entered the visitor's area. Tables were set up all over, and other inmates watched from behind bars some distance away. I made out a shock of silver hair, and my memories and those of my Other came into alignment.
"It'll be a bit, have to clear a path," our guard said. "Wait here." He walked to a door on the far side of the room, ignoring the inmates out and talking to loved ones, solicitors, children...
Naruto's eyes narrowed as he too caught sight of the inmate I had, who was now staring intently at us. I knew this was probably a bad idea, but I walked up to him, hands in my pockets, my students following. Sakura stared in some disbelief, while Sasuke looked indifferent.
"Hey... Tsume-sempai," Mizuki said with a smirk.
"Mizuki," I returned politely.
"Mizuki," Naruto growled. I placed a hand on his shoulder. Mizuki's sneer traveled from my student to me at the action.
"He should be in here, you know..."
"Funny, which one of us is the traitor?" Naruto shot back. I gave a firm but gentle squeeze to his shoulder. The blonde scowled, but kept his mouth shut.
"You know he's a demon. He'll kill you in your sleep and dance the night away in your blood!" Mizuki grinned. "Haven't you told them, Tsume-sempai? Or do you think it can learn to pretend better?"
Naruto clenched his fists, and looked to the side. Sasuke and Sakura looked confused. I decided to nip this in the bud, quickly.
"Naruto is my student," I returned quietly. "He's a ninja of Konoha. And that's all that matters." I looked intently at the smirking man. "Tsubaki hasn't spoken to me in a while... She was supposed to visit you. Did she?"
"I didn't come! I didn't see her!" Mizuki laughed. "I don't need her, I don't need anything!"
I suddenly wondered if 'filler' anime was canon. Would he break out? Should I trust any of my memories? Kakashi wasn't in charge of team 7, so we were off the rails already to some degree.
I pushed those thoughts aside. "You need your ego deflated if you think you're smarter than our last two Hokages. Perhaps some time in prison will do it, make you think about your loyalties. I doubt it though."
"All right, that's enough Mizuki," a guard stated flatly. "Your time is up!"
The silver-haired chuunin shook his head, still smirking. "Go to hell, sempai, and take your demon with you," Mizuki shot back, as he was led away.
Sakura's gaze went back and forth between myself and Naruto. I held up a hand to forestall her questions.
"It's something Naruto will tell you... When he's ready, not before," I said. Naruto looked up at me, confusion giving way to a small, thankful smile.
"We've all got our demons. You're going to meet one of mine soon."
My students looked worried, though I thought I saw Sasuke nodding for a moment.
"Mizuki-sensei seemed so different... What happened to him?" Sakura asked.
"That… is also a long story," I said. Sasuke grunted, and the guard arrived.
"Okay, We're ready." He looked at Team 7 carefully.
"Sure you want them coming with you?"
"Nope," I answered, then to my students, "Come along."
"Mhh. Wonderful," the guard replied, voice dripping in sarcasm. "This way."
We headed through the side-door, and went through a long series of twisting, turning corridors. They were dark, the air pressure and heat making them stifling and a sweat broke out on our brows. Each degree of decline made it seem we were descending further and further into the pits of Hell.
Through barred doors and steel plated vaults we made our way, until we reached the bottom level. Insane cackling could be heard through the walls from one sealed cell. Intense killing intent was felt from another.
We stopped at a cell with heavily reinforced steel bars, over which was a metal mesh charged with chakra energy. I stood in silence, closest to the cell. I couldn't blame my students or the guard. I certainly wanted to stand as far away as possible. I had better reason than most.
The dark cell was poorly lit, but it was enough to see the webbing that covered it from ceiling to floor, a mess of cobwebs that seemed a visual metaphor for the occupant's own mind. In the center of the mess sat a dark shape, neither man, nor spider. A horrific amalgam of both.
"Hello... Andoryuu," the monster greeted, mandibles clicking audibly in the dark interior. "Ahh... Such young, young visitors I have today."
I didn't want to be here. I wanted to offer him a bottle of chianti and some fava beans and run the hell out.
"Hello sensei."
Minamoto Sanbu... Or what was left of him. My Other felt horror, betrayal, revulsion, and an intense fear of this... Thing. He, who had survived a whole year in a world filled with giant, sentient spiders, and this creature was the thing he was the most afraid of.
Here, my memories were of more help than they had been previously. We may have been the same in many ways, but there was still a difference, a separation in identity. My world was filled with just as many monsters. In my world they tended to wear suits, and hide their horror behind dry humor and charity events. In a way, this world was more honest. The monsters usually had the decency to have horns or teeth, or be seen gnawing on humans. Villains like Orochimaru and Itachi were so hated and feared in part because they were outliers here.
More than that though... I had met people like this man. Seen them broken and destroyed and twisted into something horrible. I couldn't help the pity in my heart, and it was that emotion that kept Andoryuu focused.
"Been a while," the Sanbu monster commented softly. The shadows of the cell were intersected by sharper shadows. I felt Sakura shake a little, and I took a step closer to the bars. Partly to obscure the view.
"Yes. It has."
The Sanbu monster stepped forward as well, and half of his face was illuminated in the dull light. His skin was hairy and scaled, and his cheek existed only as a few remaining strands of flesh. His lower jaw protruded grotesquely, a cruel, curved fang flexing slightly. His eye was probably the worst part though- two small, black eyes dotted the main eye's east and south cardinal points, but his original... absolutely untouched. There was recognition in that eye, and my Other's memories recounted so many, many times when that brown eye was winking in a playful joke, crinkled in laughter, wide in surprise, soft in affection and pride...
Naruto turned away, and Sakura gasped. Again, I couldn't blame them. My stoicism was only the result of long years of training, and my personal detachment that my other didn't have.
"Don't be afraid, child," the creature hissed, some strange mouthparts behind his transformed jaw facilitating human speech. "You're perfectly safe out there... I'm behind these bars... I will not hurt you."
His human eye darted about quickly, and the shadows trembled. He regained himself after his fit, and locked his gaze upon me.
"You are a sensei yourself now... You should be proud."
"I am," I said softly.
"I wonder though... will you do for them what I did for you?" The Sanbu monster inquired. His eye zipped back and forth, studying my students in close detail. Sasuke flinched. Sakura kept her eyes averted, her fists and teeth clenched. And Naruto... Naruto stared in silent horror, unable to look away.
"Yes and no. I'll make them strong ninja, Sensei," I said carefully. "It's my duty."
"Tell me though, Andoryuu... will you love them?" The Sanbu Monster asked. "Will you... cherish them?" He tilted his head, more of his misshapen jaw visible in the dim light. "As I did you?"
"I'll keep them safe, Sensei," I said, my words even and monotone. "I'll teach them well."
"But that, ah... that is the question, isn't it, Andoryuu?"
The monster turned, giving us only a flash of his full form. For that I was thankful. Sakura probably couldn't handle it. Not that I could blame her. If I was her age, I don't think I could.
"All the preparation in the world... None of it can keep us safe. Keep our loved ones safe..."
I blurted out the first words to come to mind.
"It wasn't your fault."
Silence. My Other's memories immediately told me that was a mistake.
"Oh... Ohhh... That is what they tell me. Day in and day out, they told me, told me, told me!" The Sanbu monster hissed, the shadows tense around him. "Over and over, hoping to replace the Truth..." He turned his head completely around, and Sakura, who had dared to look again, grabbed onto the arm of the nearest male and tried to hide her face in his chest.
"But we both know the Truth, Andoryuu, we both do..." The monster moved back, his locomotion a strange mix of a spider's scuttle and a man's walk. "After all, it is why you survived..."
I was silent for a moment. The Sanbu monster's mouthparts clicked.
"Yes, yes... I am right... I am right! Hahaha... They tell me I am wrong, but you... all three, you stand and live and breath, and they don't. So really, why am I in here? Why am I in here for being right, my student?"
"You wanted us to be strong, Sensei. And we are," I said quietly. "Strength, however... It comes with a price. It always does." I managed to fix my gaze into his. "This... this came with too high of a price."
"Hmph. So you do not see the Truth either... Pity. You were my favorite student."
"We were all your favorites, Sensei," I said softly. "You said so yourself."
"Hahahaha! So I did, so I did! I told you... I told you! But it does not change things. I was right. And still, you do not see it." He moved then, slammed right up against the bars. Sakura screamed, and the guard moved forward with a cattle prod.
I took in the tangled mess of my sensei in an instant, before the electricity ran through the metal and the prisoner was forced back with a cry.
He shuddered, the various legs protruding from so many places on his body, the carapace only partially formed out of his ribs and other bones either fully out of his skin, or straining against it. It was all visible, a twisted mockery of nature. I could probably expect a lot of nightmares. After all, it wasn't the first time I'd seen him like this, and the nightmares still came.
He looked back at me, the pain already forgotten.
"I was right. But clearly, that is a subject for another day," he hissed. "You didn't come here for that. Nonono."
"Why did you try to escape?" I asked.
My sensei giggled. "Escape? Me? Why? Why would I escape, I ask you? What need have I?" He crawled up the wall, settling upon the ceiling and curling into a ball.
"I have no need... I am secure. Don't worry, they take care of your sensei." He bent his head and looked at me again. "It was so nice to see you again, my student... Bring Ayumi and Jiro next time, won't you?" He bowed his head, and the horrible mess of my sensei cloaked itself in darkness, only his spider eyes still open, still watching.
"If I could bring them here easily, you might not be in here, you know?"
He paused. "Ah. Yes. Irony… Well then, away with you. Let me know when you see the Truth."
I slowly nodded, and turned to my students. Sakura was a trembling wreck, Naruto looked ready to be sick, and Sasuke looked, well, like he might have his first bowel movement in years.
I shook my head. This was pointless. It may have been from the start. "We're leaving," I said. Their relief was palpable, but they still watched their backs as they left the cell. I lingered a moment longer, staring into those pitiless black eyes, before I turned to follow.
I hadn't learned anything... Anything useful, anyway... So why had he sent for me? I thought of dates… it wasn't an anniversary. Of any kind. It wasn't a birthday.
So why? I didn't know. The trip out of the prison was in silence, and nobody broke it until we got past the guards on the bridge.
"Sensei... What the fuck was that?!" Naruto exclaimed. I sighed, and closed my eyes tightly.
"It's... Another long story. My demon." I said. I snorted ruefully. "It's another little thing about what we do."
Sasuke's mouth opened, and eventually managed, "I think we deserve to hear it."
"I, uh, I'd be fine not knowing..." Sakura offered. She gulped at Sasuke's look, and quickly recanted. "B-but if Sasuke-kun wants to know..."
I nodded. "All right then. I'll tell you. But later. I don't think any of us can handle it right now."
"B-but Sensei, back there, you... you didn't even flinch!" Sakura insisted.
"Yeah! You just stood there, cool as ice! How'd you do it? Was it some kind of jutsu?" Naruto asked. I sighed, and raised up a hand to them. My personal tribute to Gene Wilder. They stared at it, until realization flashed in their eyes as they saw it shaking.
"Yeah, but this is my shooting hand," I thought. I smiled wryly. "Not a jutsu, But it's a useful thing to practice..."
••••••••••
Ichiraku Ramen was in the outer circle of Konoha, hence, we stopped by it. It was a bit early for dinner, but I decided a little comfort food was something we all needed at the moment, and few foods beat ramen on that score. Also, I could remind Naruto we had already visited over the next few days when he begged at lunchtime.
Not to mention that Old Man Ichiraku and his beautiful daughter (who, strangely enough, strongly resembled Aerith from Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children) were so keen on Naruto's moods they stayed quiet and in the background as we commiserated.
I took a few bites of the warm noodles and broth, and glanced over my students. I had to admit it was good, but we were all in poor mood to appreciate it. They were looking intently at me, waiting. Sakura had that kind of reluctant anxiety about her, where you suspect bad news is coming but you need to hear it. Naruto looked shaken, like he was recovering from intense shock, but was already tapping his foot impatiently. Sasuke looked... well, intense. More than usual. As though trying to force me to speak with his gaze.
I took a deep breath.
"Thirteen years ago, I was in the last Shinobi War," I began. "My team was led by Minamoto Sanbu, who was, at the time, the official Spider Sage of Konoha. He had a wife, and two children." I glanced down into the ramen bowl, Miyuki and her little ones, Jun and Tomoko standing out clear in my mind.
"Had...?" Naruto asked. Sakura shot him a look, and he didn't ask further.
"My teammates, Koroshiya Jiro and Futsuno Ayumi, were orphans," I said quietly. "Between my father's deployments elsewhere and my mother's work at the Daimyo's Court, we all grew very close. Sanbu-sensei basically treated us like his kids... He was a great teacher, a second father to myself, and family to my teammates."
I sipped some tea I had ordered, my taste buds barely responding to it's flavors. Talking seemed so very hard at the moment.
"Anyway... we were assigned to support a regular Fire Country infantry division in Grass Country," I continued. "We did reconnaissance, assassinations, missions of that nature. We were at war, remember. Sanbu's family stayed at the local base." I held a hand against my upper lip, my thumb and index finger splayed out across my cheeks. It was a bit of a habit. My lips were frequently chapped and I got self-conscious about it at times.
"One day, we were called in to do a series of strikes behind enemy lines, taking out a few supply depots. They were actually decoy sites. An Iwa ninja team had figured out who we were, and had used the depots to draw us away from the infantry division's base." I drained my tea cup, and set it down, my hand shaking a little.
"What happened...?" Naruto asked.
I sighed. "The ninjas attacked the base. They snuck in explosive notes on dozens of soldiers. Detonated them simultaneously," I went on. "They then swept in, attacking the base's civilian section."
Sasuke grew increasingly grim. It was little surprise.
"When we got back, we found…" I paused. They didn't need to know the specifics. "A team of ninja with a solid plan and the element of surprise can be extremely effective. Even against an entire division. There were no survivors."
I shook my head, trying to dispel the bad memories. "The war ended soon after. Our sensei was... He wasn't himself after. He threw us into training, almost constantly. He kept trying to get missions into Earth country... Hoping to settle the score."
Sasuke didn't react to that. Sakura shook her head.
"But... It doesn't explain how... How he..." She trailed off.
I closed my eyes, and then opened them again. God this was tough... Like pulling a barbed knife out of your stomach.
"The Hokage thought that Sanbu needed a break... That we all did... So our sensei decided to take us on a training journey, that would last one year. It's kind of traditional." I glanced down at the ramen bowl.
"... One month into it, after he was sure the minder ANBU had sent along to shadow us to make sure he wasn't going to do anything reckless, was gone... he revealed he had obtained two summoning contracts, in addition to the Spider scroll. He gave us each one, and said that the real training would begin now..." I was silent for a moment.
"Each scroll had been modified by our sensei to reverse summon the first person to use them. Right into the realms where those summons lived. He had also ensured that we could not return to our world for a whole year... I ended up on the Spider Plane."
"The Spider Plane... you mean…? There was nothing but Spiders there?" Naruto asked.
I nodded. "Not quite, but basically. What was more... he had taken all our weapons and tools away beforehand."
Sakura gaped in disbelief. "But... But you had your jutsu, didn't you?"
I snorted. "I was the field medic of the group, and I supported the others with a little genjutsu and some traps. Jiro was the powerhouse, but he only knew a few jutsu. And Ayumi, well... She was smart, very smart, and knew several jutsu... But her stamina was low and she was cocky. What was more... He'd sent all three of us to worlds we were deathly terrified to be in."
"You mean... You were afraid of spiders?" Naruto asked. I nodded.
"Absolutely, one hundred percent terrified. As a kid I'd leave the room if I saw a house spider, let alone something like Ringumo," I said. Ayame poured me more tea, which I gratefully accepted and drank. "Ayumi ended up in the Land of the Dead... And Jiro found himself... somewhere? An ocean plane. Completely underwater. We're still not entirely sure."
"My God," Sakura muttered. She looked ill. Sasuke grimaced. Naruto shook his head in disbelief.
"And your sensei?" He asked.
"He... got too deep into the Spider Sage's abilities, lost himself," I said. "You saw the results."
Sakura looked green, and moved further away from her nearly untouched bowl of ramen. Sasuke looked away, but disgust and horror was written in his body language. Naruto shuddered.
"Oh God... Ugh."
I nodded. "I had initially intended to ease you into all this slower. But…" I sighed again. "Sensei just gave me an excuse. I guess I wanted you guys to trust me."
"By… showing us your past?" Sakura asked. I nodded.
"Expecting you to trust a stranger when you're this age isn't rational," I replied. "I shared part of myself with you guys, and as your sensei I know a fair amount about your pasts. So, I hope we're even." I looked seriously into their eyes, each of them. It was good that they were all sitting to one side of me.
"I also wanted you all to get a good look at how rough the life of a ninja can get," I added. "It's not all glory and becoming Hokage..."
At Sakura's queasy look, Naruto's scowl, and Sasuke's deep frown, I coughed.
"Don't take this as an attempt to scare you off though. It's not all horror and darkness either! Sure, it's rough. It's horrible sometimes even," I smiled. "But I don't regret following this path. There's a lot of good that comes from it. Ultimately, it's up to each of you to decide for yourselves what something is or isn't." I rolled my shoulders.
"So! Take this as your first lesson from me, your sensei. Understanding is a three edged sword: Your side, their side, and the truth."
They were silent for a bit, before Sasuke, of all people, spoke.
"I thought your first lesson was teamwork," he said in a deadpan tone. The tension broke, as Sakura and Naruto looked in disbelief at Sasuke. I smiled.
"Okay, second lesson then. Memory is the second thing to go in old age."
"What's the first thing?" Naruto asked, slowly grinning. Sakura rolled her eyes.
"I forget," I replied, calmly sipping my tea. Sasuke smirked. Naruto grinned.
Sakura actually giggled, "That's such an old joke, sensei."
"Well, I'm an old guy, right?"
"Not that old."
The Ichirakus moved out from the background, Ayame starting up a cheerful conversation with Naruto. Secretly, I breathed a sigh of relief.
The bond seemed to be holding between the three of them. Sakura, I wasn't too sure about. She had decided to become a ninja in part due to her crush on Sasuke, after all. She seemed to be holding it together though, even though I could tell she'd probably be having nightmares tonight.
Still... Nobody had quit. Nobody hated me. Nobody hated their teammates. Maybe I wasn't so bad at this sensei thing after all?
It was at this moment my "Spider Sense" went off, and I sprung off the stool a split second before a snake embedded it's fangs in my seat.
"Holy shit!" Naruto shouted, as Sakura shrieked in terror. I did a one-handed handspring and deftly landed on my feet. Facing me, and wearing a frightening (albeit a pants-tighteningly arousing) smile, was Anko.
"Aren't you the casanova?" Anko hissed. "We have our first date and you don't bother to call me for two days afterward."
"Anko! Hi! Uh, well... I meant to call but..." I stopped. "Wait a minute, we were together for two days!"
Anko grinned viciously. "Still counts, lover boy. Besides, you lied to me. You said you'd make me breakfast!"
"I did!"
"Correction, your clone did," Anko hissed. She blurred, and I narrowly parried the strike of her kunai with one of my own. She forward-flipped right over me, letting me get a very nice look at her cleavage that I would have appreciated more if she wasn't attacking me.
"You really upset me, Andoryuu-chan~," she leered. "You're so going to make up for it!"
"Ah, can't we talk about this, Anko-chan-WOAH!" I ducked, barely escaping her knife slash. She'd managed to nick my cheek, and saucily she licked my blood off her blade.
"I think we're past talking right now," she purred. "Let's get to the fun!"
Suffice it to say... Team 7 didn't get to do any missions that day, either. However, I was able to summon Ookamigumo, the wolf spider who had taught me hunting and evasion, to do some training with them.
I was busy appeasing Anko... Which, as you can imagine, was very, very time consuming. And was not as much fun as you might think.
Well, depends on your tastes, I suppose...