Given Kishimoto's propensity for just writing about the ninja of his world, it might surprise you to know that it wasn't just samurai who were getting in on chakra. Monks, miko, priests, geisha… Virtually every profession that involved some form of martial arts had some chakra usage included. Even bards and circus performers used simple jutsu to liven performances up. Simple genjutsu were taught for covering up blemishes, for looking more attractive, all sorts of things, and the majority of these "glamours" you might say were easily maintained. Though to get repeat business geisha often offered to do longer lasting genjutsu they cast themselves.
There was a bit of "chakra-tech" too, involving jutsus and seals for electricity and other modern conveniences, that a lot of ninja dropouts or simply people who had no interest in going to war helped power and maintain. At first the ninja and the samurai had attempted to keep this knowledge to themselves, but as ancient technology from before the Sage of the Six paths was rediscovered or reinvented, experimentation began in fusing nature's energy with machines.
Obviously, due to chakra's place in religion it was slow going, but if governments were anything, they were pragmatic when forced into a box. People in power like the status quo, and dislike revolutions. Benevolent self interest saw a rise in standard of living for the elemental countries, as simple, useful technologies and chakra techniques were released in order for the majority to be happy, and not too curious about more dangerous ideas. For example, refrigerators were only found in commercial uses, or by the rich, but it facilitated trade, allowing fish to be transported inland, and medicine to travel further.
Firearms were another interesting thing in this world. You didn't see them a whole lot in Konoha, for good reason. Kishimoto had said guns didn't exist in his world, but given his narrow focus of the Elemental Continent's ninjas, it's not surprising he didn't include them. Oh, they existed: Ninja didn't find much use for them. Jutsu were much more flexible, and although they were well aware of the power involved in gunpowder and lead, they prefered to train individuals to the point where guns were less useful than shuriken.
The Daimyo's armies and a fair number of private citizens had access to firearms, but outside of an ambush situation, most ninja would just avoid them, or use a replacement jutsu to evade. By no means were guns useless, especially in open war, but you had to really think about how best to use them. In a world with magic, they became one more tool in a strategists toolbox, rather than the overwhelming power they became back home. Especially since the technology was still relatively rudimentary. They had developed past the front loading musket, but an assault or sniper rifle, which would arguably be useful even against ninja, weren't even dreamt of yet.
All of this added up to not being worthy of Kishimoto's attention, presumably.
In any event, after Naruto's little chakra EMP, Kurenai and I took our teams to the Hokage's office in order to explain what had happened.
Thankfully the Hokage seemed more amused than anything.
"Ho ho ho. So that was the source of all this commotion." He was referring to the crowd of upset women and men outside the tower who were complaining about the event. Naruto rubbed the back of his head and tried very hard to look innocent.
"Hmm… Let's say that an experimental jutsu has gone awry, causing the disruption. That should allay any worries. I hope this provides a lesson to you all about the care that should go into practicing new techniques, yes?"
As our six students nodded, I felt, more than saw or heard, an ANBU slip out of the room to go run damage control. A tiny shiver ran down my spine. Kishimoto frequently made ANBU out to be chumps to be taken out at will by Akatsuki, but they really are scarily good.
"Furthermore, Andoryu-san, this joint-training seems a wonderful venture! Did you have any further plans?"
"Thank you, Hokage-sama. Following on from our last conversation, I thought it might be fruitful to train together from time to time. I had planned to do something similar with team 10 in the next few days, and reach out to Maito to see if he'd be interested. I believe the rest of the teams are older or contain chunin, which would make integration trickier."
Sarutobi nodded, stroking his beard. "Hmmm. Yes, a fine idea. I'll arrange for another team to work with you all next week, and see about making an official framework for this sort of thing going forward. Our chunin teams could stand to work better together as well."
I kept my amusement to myself. If the twinkle in his eye was anything to go by, jounin-sensei weren't the only people eager to meddle with the romantic affairs of others. As I had said, there weren't that many all genin teams. I (and more importantly to the Hokage, Kurenai) would almost certainly be seeing Asuma at the next meet up.
Speaking of romance, I was now standing in Naruto's apartment, watching the little Ninja-Jesus-to-be trying very hard not to fidget as Kokubogumo adjusted and worked on his new outfit, which he was currently modeling.
"How come I have to wear this stuff?" Naruto asked.
"Girls like it when you dress up for a date," I explained. "Means you want to look good for them."
"Yeah, but... Sakura-chan never notices when I dress up nice," Naruto whined.
"Hold still," Kokubogumo admonished, as she used a little webbing to stick in a piece of fabric. Naruto resolutely tried to stay still even as he scowled. I sighed, this wouldn't be easy.
"Naruto, Sakura doesn't like you like that. She's hung up on Sasuke. You know this," I explained.
"Yeah, but I'm way better than he is!" Naruto growled. "How come she won't go out with me?"
"Well, why do you want to go out with her?" I asked.
Naruto shrugged, making Kokubogumo hiss. He straightened up.
"Well, she's really pretty, and strong, and well... I think she's a lot of fun!" Naruto enthused.
Well, that did away with a couple of fan theories. I nodded.
"And, well... I really want her to like me," Naruto sighed. "I don't see how this will help... I don't know Hinata, and well, why would she date me?"
"Naruto, look," I said, walking over and kneeling down a bit to look him in the eyes, "you're twelve. All of you are."
"But we're ninja!" Naruto protested.
"Yes, and? You're still kids. There's no need to expend all your effort in chasing after a girl who doesn't return your feelings," I said. "Besides, what if you did get a date with Sakura, and it turned out that you had nothing in common?"
"Sure we do! We both... Um..." Naruto thought about it for a while, his eyes closed in that odd fox-like grimace of his. "We're... Ninja," he finally said.
"So is Hinata. And Sasuke and I for that matter. Give me more."
It looked like I might be cracking through. He was actually thinking. "We're... on the same team, in the same class," he went on.
I nodded. "True. So is Sasuke. You can go out with him next week."
"Hey! Don't joke about that!" Naruto squawked, more than likely remembering his unfortunate first kiss with his rival.
"Fine. More things. What else do you have in common?"
"Well... Um... Uh..."
I waited patiently. Naruto's frown deepened.
"Well... I don't have much in common with Hinata either!" He finally protested. I smiled. Progress.
"How would you know that? Have you talked to her before?"
"No... But if that's the case, why go on a date with her?" Naruto asked.
"Simple. Dating isn't the same as marrying someone. A first date is to have fun and find out more about someone, see if you have things in common," I said with a smile.
"There's this idea called the 'three-date rule'. After three dates you should know whether or not that person is someone you want to keep being with. If they are, then you become boyfriend and girlfriend. If they aren't, you stop dating. But even if you stop dating, you might have a new friend."
"Well, what about you and Anko-sensei?" Naruto asked. I coughed and shrugged.
"Er... Well! As you get older, things get more complicated." I smiled brightly. "Fortunately you don't have to worry about all of that yet. Just go out, and try to have fun."
"And... done," Kokubogumo said. "Hold still."
"I thought you said you were done- Woah!" Naruto cried, as dozens of baby wolf spiders went up and down his body, knitting all of his clothing together with their fangs and forelegs. The finished product was quite nice, if I do say so myself.
His pants and jacket were dark, almost black, cotton lined with silk, and were cut to fit far better than his jumpsuit ever did. Indulging a bit in my fanfiction, his undershirt was an orange and long-sleeved silk garment, which would help stop kunai or shuriken from getting through. Finally, his ninja sandals had been replaced with black "ninja sneakers", another indulgence of my fanfiction, which put steel toes and heels covered by silk and leather into normal sandals. Kokubogumo had made all my clothing, and I intended her to make clothes for my team. There were several ways to build camaraderie in a military unit, and matching uniforms were a tried and true method.
Besides, it looked cool.
Naruto looked more than pleased when he saw himself in the mirror.
"This... this is awesome!" He enthused. He looked at me with a hopeful expression. "Can I, can I keep them?"
I smiled. "Of course you can. You're my student, after all. I only look as good as my students do."
"Oh. So are you going to make some for Sakura-chan, and Sasuke too?" He asked.
I nodded, "She's already working on it," I explained, and indeed, Kokubogumo was already working on them while her babies scurried about, carrying needles and silken thread.
"Thank you very much, Kokubogumo," I said, and glanced at Naruto meaningfully. The blond's mouth formed an "o" of understanding, and he bowed to her.
"Thank you very much, Kokubogumo!" He added.
"You're welcome," Kokubogumo replied. "Now, how many of these will you be needing?"
"Enough to replace his current wardrobe, and a few in a few larger sizes," I said. "Same with the others."
"Couldn't you have Origumo handle all this?" Kokubogumo asked.
I smiled back. "I could, but I like your work better," I said.
"Flatterer," Kokubogumo harrumphed, but she looked pleased. I checked my watch and grimaced.
"C'mon Naruto, get going or you're going to be late," I said. I handed him some money. "Don't forget the flowers, and the dinner reservations."
"Right Sensei!" Naruto said cheerfully as he leaped out the window. "Night!"
"Have a good time!" I shouted after him. I shook my head and sighed.
"Well. Showtime! Later Kokubo!" I shouted, as I took off after him.
You don't really think I'd just let Naruto go off on his first date without some supervision, do you? After all, a jounin instructor's duty is to help his student in all areas of life, including with women.
Besides, I wasn't going to be alone. My other students were approaching.
"Sensei!" Called out Sakura. I stopped on a rooftop near the Hyuuga mansion, and turned to see a beaming Sakura and an unhappy Sasuke both catching up.
"Good! Bring the camera?" I asked. Sakura held hers up with a grin.
"Got it!"
"Bring the food?" I asked Sasuke. With a deeper scowl, he held up a picnic basket.
"Ex-cellent," I said, grinning, before turning and sitting on the edge. My students sat with me, Sakura no doubt elated at being with her crush and with Naruto being far away.
"I still don't see why we're doing this," Sasuke grunted. "I always get to see that idiot make a fool out of himself."
"Yeah, but photographic evidence is a lot better," I explained. "Besides, learning how to date is important for any young man or woman."
Sakura blushed and smiled at Sasuke. Sasuke glanced at her, and snorted.
"I'd rather not know."
Sakura scowled. "Sasuke!"
I snorted in amusement, "Give it a few years kid."
"I already do missions with her," Sasuke stated flatly.
"Yeah, but it's different from dating," Sakura insisted.
"Why would I want to do that anyway? So you and Sensei and the deadlast can photograph me too?" Sasuke asked.
"You could date me, Sasuke," Sakura suggested.
"No," Sasuke said automatically. Sakura scowled.
"What's wrong with just one date?"
"You, for one," Sasuke stated.
"There's nothing wrong with dating me! I-I'm a good date!" Sakura insisted. Below, Naruto walked down the street, carrying some flowers as he approached the compound.
"You're always talking," Sasuke said. "It's annoying."
Admittedly, I was expecting Sakura to just wilt at that. But, Ninja!Hermione reared her head, and Sakura's expression became dangerous.
"Well, you're never talking... It's boring," Sakura said.
Sasuke blinked, but rallied quickly. "Then shouldn't you leave me alone?
"Maybe if you contributed to the conversation a little, I wouldn't be annoying," Sakura said.
"What would I talk about?" Sasuke replied.
"Anything! Talk about the weather for all I care," Sakura insisted.
"Hn."
"And would you stop doing that? It makes you sound stupid!" Sakura growled. Sasuke's mouth actually dropped open for a moment, and he looked over at Sakura.
"Stupid?"
"Yes, stupid! Like you can't say anything so you just grunt. Like a caveman."
As entertaining as it was to watch them argue, I did have another student to monitor. Naruto got to the door, rang the bell, and waited. I then pulled out three radio headsets, and put one on.
"What are those?" Sasuke asked.
"Radios. I bugged him," I said, completely straight faced. Sakura and Sasuke stared.
"That was horrible, sensei," Sakura said after a moment.
"Hn," Sasuke agreed.
"It wasn't a joke," I said.
"You aren't wrong there," Sasuke agreed.
"Kuchiyose no jutsu," I said.
"Hi Sakura!"
"Hey, your eyes are black!"
"EEEP!" Sakura fell back as Ringumo clung to her face, and Sasuke was doing his 'frozen in horror' expression as Fangumo, one of Ringumo's numerous (and I do mean numerous) sisters, examined his eyes carefully.
"Shhh," I said to my students. "It's starting."
The door to the compound opened, and Naruto entered.
While Ringumo and Fangumo dug into the carcass of a rabbit I'd brought them, my much quieter students and I listened in.
"Uzumaki Naruto. Welcome to our home," intoned a rather stoic voice. I recognized it as Hiashi's.
"Thank you! Where's Hinata?" Naruto asked.
"She'll be along in a moment, Naruto," said... Kurenai?
"What's she doing there?" Sakura asked. I shrugged.
"Probably helping Hinata with the date, just like I was helping Naruto."
There were a few more minutes of small talk, Hiashi and Kurenai both questioning Naruto on a few things. I smirked a little as they played good cop and bad cop. Hiashi being direct and forceful with a slight edge of menace, and Kurenai being kind and understanding and slightly guiding Naruto's answers. It was amazing how well they worked together, actually. Almost like they'd done this before...
Nah. Couldn't be like that. Sure, Hiashi was widowed, but seriously, that wasn't a crack pairing, that was a shrooms pairing. Perhaps they'd been on a mission together at some point. Or they were both just that good at social combat. It was a useful skill in the less violent jobs we sometimes had to do.
"H-Here I am..."
Dead silence for a bit.
"Hey Hinata! Wow, you look great!" Naruto enthused loudly. A little too loudly, even for him.
"Th-thank you," Hinata replied.
"Now, get going," Kurenai gently pushed. "Don't be late. Have a good time."
Naruto sounded a bit anxious, and it wasn't hard to see why when they emerged. Hinata was on his arm, blushing and smiling in a very nice blue yukata. I felt Sasuke stiffen and Sakura's eyes widen in shock on either side of me.
"Where did those come from?" Sakura mumbled.
"Wouldn't get many of those to the kilo," said Sasuke under his breath, whose attention was suddenly much higher than it had been a few minutes ago. Sakura noticed.
"Stop that!" Sakura hissed.
"What?" Sasuke asked.
"Sensei, Sasuke is… is perving on Hinata!" Sakura growled.
"I am not!" Sasuke retorted.
He totally was. I would've at that age.
"Well, considering you were ogling Naruto earlier," I said dryly. Sakura's cheeks turned bright red.
"I-I was not!"
"Call me a pervert," Sasuke snorted.
"I am not! He's just got a nice outfit. Sensei was saying we'll both have them soon."
"Like mother like daughter," Sasuke went on.
Sakura whacked Sasuke upside the head. Sasuke stared in disbelief, and I couldn't blame him. Sakura had been reverting a little more back to her pre-"Sleepover" persona. Apparently pissing her off brought out Inner more often.
She glared at me, "I talked to Mom. She tends bar some weekends for the cash. She says your brother got tossed out after getting into a huge fight with some guy, and now he's spreading rumors about her and the bouncer!"
Huh. I nodded. "That sounds like Ben all right. Sorry, but you can't pick your relatives, right?"
Sakura frowned, but nodded.
"If we're doing this, we'd better go," Sasuke pointed at the distant pair of daters.
"Oh, come on, we're going to lose them," Sakura ordered, and set off.
"You're right, let's move," I agreed. Sasuke nodded quickly, and he headed after her.
"Do we get more food, Ando-kun?" Ringumo asked cutely. Her sister looked equally hopeful. I smiled.
"Yes you do."
"Yay!" The two spiders cheered, before jumping up to my shoulders. I set out after my students, until we were looking over a very nice restaurant. I had taken care to choose one set up after the Kyuubi attack, in order to get Naruto fair service. While Naruto was never outright refused service at various stores, unless someone happened to be with him, he tended to get poor service.
The care and attention showed by the staff here though, that was a little odd. They treated the two like royalty, getting them their table in moments and their orders underway. It was a bit odd. Sure, Hinata was essentially village royalty, but there was a bit of anxiety in their movements.
Maybe Kurenai had intimidated them? I hadn't seen it myself, given I'd never been a target of her ire, but the genjutsu mistress was apparently inventively scary when pushed.
My eyes flitted to a large party in the restaurant near Hinata and Naruto's table. Lots of people were packed at the tables, surrounding a couple. A man with red hair, and a long-haired brunette woman...
My blood went cold as I saw her. Both of them, actually.
"Sensei?" Sakura asked. I slowly rose. So did the man, and he looked around with a smile at his guests.
"Attention everyone! We invited you all out here to make an announcement," he said. He gestured to his wife with a proud smile. "Shiina is pregnant! We're having a baby!"
Applause filled the receiver, and I pulled it away.
"Sensei?" Sakura pressed.
"... Stay here," I mumbled, as I jumped down to the street below. I knew this was a bad idea, but I felt compelled as soon as I saw her. I entered the restaurant, and Shiina's eyes caught sight of me. Her face brightened.
I never could think straight around her. In either world.
"Andoryuu!" She said happily. I nodded to her, and to the rest of the people. They were all so very familiar between both of my memories, synching up nearly perfectly. This actually just made things worse, especially when her spouse rose and offered his hand.
"Andoryuu! I'm glad you made it," he said.
"Tomu," I returned.
The feelings were exactly the same when it came to this man between realities. Rage, murderous, seething rage. In this world I actually could carry out the murder fantasies I had toyed with, and I had to remind myself that killing this man in front of his pregnant wife was not a good idea. Several times.
"I guess you missed the announcement then," Tomu grinned. Shiina looked a bit concerned. Always could see through me. "Shiina's-!"
"I'm... Pregnant," his wife interrupted. She smiled happily. "I... I'm glad you remembered this time," she said. "I know you're very busy..."
Right. Remembered. Sure I did. Was I just God's punching bag or something? Seeing these two together was bad enough. This...?
"Yes, well... Congratulations," I managed. Shiina nodded.
"So, will you stay for dinner? We're paying for it," she said.
"Got a nice bonus at work, it's worth it," Tomu said.
"I… already had dinner, I just... wanted to give my congratulations," I quickly tried to cover. Now that I was here, I realised this was the last place I wanted to be. Tomu chuckled.
"You know Andoryuu, I keep getting the idea you don't like me," he joked.
Well, that might be the first idea you've ever had that wasn't completely idiotic.
"Ahem... Well, it's good you're here," Shiina said with a smile. "I was wondering... Um, that is..."
"It's twins, so, we were wondering if you'd like to be their godfather?" Tomu asked with a smile. "Or just take one. There's two after all... Hope they take after me, get nice girls, just like I did," he joked.
That urge to stab him to death just got worse, to the point I actually began flexing my wrists, ready to slip a pair of daggers out into my hands.
Looking over at Shiina helped, but not that much. She looked so very hopeful. I sighed and closed my eyes.
"If you don't want to-" She began.
"I'll do it... I'm honored," I managed. Tomu, oblivious Tomu, smiled and clapped me on the shoulder.
"Great! Why don't you sit down, have some food?"
I noticed Naruto and Hinata. They'd been watching the whole time. Damn, I was screwing this up on every level.
"Can't," I said. "My student is on a date... Wouldn't want to cramp his style," I said.
Both looked over at Naruto. Tomu's eyebrows went up, but Shiina smiled.
"Oh! Would you care to join us?" She asked politely. That got a fair number of looks.
"Er, well, we're kind of on a date," Naruto said. Hinata nodded, and reached over, placing her hand over Naruto's. My blond student blushed.
"Yes, we are," Hinata managed.
"Oh, right, of course. Have fun then," Tomu said with a smile. Naruto nodded.
"Thanks... Hey, Sensei! You want to eat with us?"
Naruto's lack of social awareness was my only lifeline, and in this instance, I'd gladly grab ahold.
Hinata bit her lower lip, clearly looking back and forth between us... Before she softly sighed, and nodded.
"Sure, I'd like that," I said quickly. I nodded to them both, and forced my eyes not to linger on either of them, as I went over to Naruto and Hinata's table. I pulled up a chair, and sat down. Tomu and Shiina went back to the party, Shiina looked over her shoulder at me, before nodding and following her husband.
"Er, Sensei?" Naruto muttered.
"I'm so sorry about this. I… know them. Things get complicated when you get older," I explained.
Naruto blinked. "Oh…" He looked over at Tomu. "You want me to prank him or something?"
I snorted, "Don't tempt me. I don't want you getting into trouble on my behalf."
"You and her?" Hinata asked quietly. I glanced over at her, and she flushed.
I sighed. "It's... A long story."
Naruto scowled. "You have a lot of those."
"Yes. I do. You get more of those with age as well," I said, before replacing myself with a Shadow Clone. I slipped out the back, and headed up to where Sasuke and Sakura were. As they looked at me, I belatedly realized they had heard every word.
At least they were trying to pretend they hadn't. There was that.
I settled in, watching Hinata and Naruto's date continue. It actually seemed to go pretty well from then on, as their conversation became more fluid and more natural. My shadow clone nursed a drink, waiting for the party to become distracted before giving Naruto and Hinata his thanks and walking off to dispel. Me, well... I kept my focus on them... And off the party nearby.
Every ninja has their weakness. It's no different for me. And with this, I turned my thoughts towards future problems, in order to avoid thinking about the past.
I will admit, I brooded a lot until Naruto and Hinata were done with their meal. And, as it took them nearly two hours to finish, I did a lot of brooding. To the point Sasuke actually commented on it.
"Sensei, stop it."
"Stop what?"
Sasuke's eyes narrowed. I looked over at Sakura, who had a similar scowl.
"Sorry, Sasuke, you don't have a monopoly on brooding."
"Don't be rude sensei," Sakura's scowl deepened. "Look, you know you can trust us, right? Can't you tell us what's wrong?"
"I don't want every meeting of ours to involve someone's tragic backstory," I said flatly.
"Ah, so it is tragic," Sakura sussed out with a nod. "So, did that woman break your heart or something?" Her expression softened as I said nothing. "Oh God, that's what happened! And… now she's pregnant with that guy... Sensei, that's... that's horrible!"
I frowned. "No, that's life. It just sucks when it happens to you."
"Does everything with you involve trauma or tragedy?" Sasuke asked flatly.
"Look who's talking, 'Avenger'," I snorted. Sasuke scowled.
"That's different. And at least I don't talk about it every meeting."
"You wear it on your sleeve in almost every action you take."
"Awww... Don't do this Ando-kun!" Ringumo whined as she crawled up my back and sat on my shoulder. "You're no fun when you're depressed over her!"
"I do not get depressed over her," I said flatly.
"He gets so depressed he just lays in his web and doesn't throw my ball at all," Ringumo confided.
"Gumo-chan!" I growled.
"Not throwing our ball is very mean," Fangumo added, crawling up to my other shoulder.
"No, not throwing my ball is very mean," Ringumo corrected her sister.
"Then what is not throwing my ball?" Fangumo demanded.
"More ball throwing for me!" Ringumo said, and blew the spider version of a raspberry.
"Ando-kun! Ringumo is being mean to me!" Fangumo whined.
"Am not! Fangumo is too dumb to know you like me best and that it's my ball!" Ringumo retorted.
I sighed, and formed two balls out of webbing. "Fetch," I said, tossing them behind me.
"BALL!" The sister spiders cheered, and raced after them. Sasuke just raised his eyebrows. I shrugged.
"They're easily pleased, but you can understand why I only summon a few of them at a time," I said.
"How many are there?" Sakura asked.
"Their generation? About three hundred. I'm not on first name terms with them all," I explained. Sakura's eyes bugged out, and Sasuke stared.
"Three-hundred?!" She cried. I nodded.
"It's actually on the low end... Jorougumo's species usually lays from 400-1500 eggs."
"Are they all like that?" Sasuke asked. I smirked.
"Those two are among the most… bubbly, but the least, shall we say, affectionate," I confided.
"Affectionate?" Sakura asked, making a face.
"Well, you have to understand, the Jorou-clan of spiders are shapeshifters," I explained. "That is their greatest strength, the ability to turn into almost anything, like a natural henge. Given that the majority of them are female... And have reached sexual maturity..." My expression darkened. "And are very fond of me..."
Sasuke shuddered. "Fangirls."
"Bingo. But you don't have to worry about your fangirls eating you."
"I'm not certain about that."
"Oh come on, we are not that bad," Sakura snorted. She backtracked at Sasuke's look. "N-Not that I'm a fangirl! No, not a fangirl at all!"
I smirked, enjoying my students' bickering again. Hey, the less attention they paid to my tragic past, the less I had to think about it.
Down below, Tomu gave his wife and mother of his children a kiss. My scowl deepened.
Bastard. Why do I only get the crazy women and spiders after me?
At last, Naruto and Hinata left the restaurant. We followed from the rooftops, my summons clutching onto my shoulders.
"They seem to be hitting it off," Sakura commented with a smile. I looked down closely, and had to smile. Even after a couple of hours, the two of them were still excitedly talking. About things they'd seen in the Academy, Naruto's pranks mostly. A little about life in the village, favorite things. Even some taijutsu advice and thoughts on jutsu popped up. You wouldn't think Hinata would open up so easily, but maybe it's because she didn't have many chances in canon.
Which brought me to another problem I had been trying to put off, but when I'm depressed I start thinking about very serious, dark things.
Namely, what the hell was I going to do?
I had a lot of dangerous information at my disposal, but only a vague idea of how to use it. The fact that I now had an emotional investment in this world, these people, just made it more complicated.
I glanced over at Sasuke, who snorted as Naruto tripped on the sidewalk and nearly fell over. I had made a few little changes, and he seemed a little more at ease with his team, a little closer to it. He'd been bested in training, which I will admit was a surprise... Until Kurenai admitted she'd had Gai give Shino some help in his taijutsu. Then it made a lot more sense.
The thing was, he still wanted revenge on his brother, and that road could very easily turn completely and totally dark, just as it had in canon. Especially if Orochimaru got his Cursed Seal on him.
What could I do about that?
... I was coming up empty. For all my skills, I was no match for Orochimaru. Period. End of story. Even superior tactics and an ambush can only go so far against a foe who was so much stronger, faster, and more experienced than me. Assuming I could come up with superior tactics, which was unlikely. The older the ninja, the more experienced and powerful they were. Fuck that bullshit Kakashi spouted post-time skip: Nine times out of ten, the more experienced ninja wastes the less experienced.
Except in cases dealing with Naruto, but that was Naruto. Pratchett called it narrative-causality, the internet called it plot-armor. I was living here now, I couldn't call it anything because I couldn't rely on it.
So that left the question of what could I do? I had a few options... I could tell the Hokage I suspected Orochimaru would infiltrate the Chuunin Exams to get his hands on Sasuke.
"On what evidence?" He would ask.
Ah. Right. I had none. Not even so much as a hunch. I could... Capture Kabuto, get information out of him. Except I had no experience in breaking prisoners and that kind of thing took time. Besides, Kabuto was a twisted son of a bitch, and was possibly as strong as myself. He had his own agenda. Hell, even throwing him into the Spider Plane might not break... him… Hmm.
The Spider Plane.
Of which I was the Sage.
The Boss Clan of which were the Jorou Spiders.
Who were masters of disguise.
I was handed the keys to solving all my problems from the moment I got here, and I only just now realized it. Jesus, maybe Harry Potter was right, wizards can't do logic to save their lives, and apparently, neither can ninja.
"Ball Ando, ball!" Ringumo and Fangumo chanted. I looked over at them.
"Gumo-chan, Fan-chan. I have a mission for you."
"Do we get to play ball after?" Fangumo asked. I nodded.
"If you succeed, I'll get you both your own balls to play with. All. The. Time."
The little spiders' eyes seemed to grow larger.
"A-Ando-kun!" They cried, and leaped onto me to glomp me.
"Ack!" I cried. Sasuke and Sakura smirked a little.
"How cute... and disgusting," Sakura quipped.
"I can always allow you to to share in the experience, you know," I said flatly. "They have two hundred and ninety-eight brothers and sisters."
"I think I'll pass," Sasuke said, almost apologetic. I look at my summons.
I worked my jaw a little, and fed a little chakra into my tongue. "Okay, you two... There is a medic nin by the name of Yakushi Kabuto. He wears glasses, has silver hair, is around 17, tends to wear purple. I want you two to watch him, and make sure he doesn't know you're doing it." I explained in the language of the spiders. Yes, I was an… arachne-tongue? I don't know. It wasn't as useful as Parselmouth though. You could only speak to Summons with it, and the only way to gain it was to survive being bitten by the Spider Boss herself.
Which I did... And how I survived is another story. Good God is it another story.
But, it was good for relating secret commands to my summons. What did it sound like? Well... It's hard to describe in text. It was a mix of sounds and smells, and to do it I had to channel chakra into a few places in my head and throat and hold it, like holding my breath underwater. Clicks, hisses, cracks, little spitting sounds and other things like that seemed to form the basic syntax. The pheromone component involved various glands in my body I had to temporarily "reprogram" using chakra to emit the right scents.
"What are we watching him for?" Fangumo asked.
"I think he's a traitor and a spy, working for Orochimaru."
"A spy? You suspect him?" Ringumo asked.
"Yes."
"Why?" Fangumo asked innocently.
"It's complicated. He's a spy. Dangerous. I need to know what he's doing," I said.
The two spiders agreed. "We won't fail you, Ando-kun!" Ringumo said.
"Right!" Fangumo shouted. The two headed off. Sakura and Sasuke were staring at me.
"You... You speak Spider?" Sakura managed. I shrugged.
"Yep. Comes in handy sometimes. Only works with Summons though," I said.
"When are you going to teach us how to do that?" Sasuke asked. I shrugged.
"When I think you're ready to be bitten by the spider boss. Now, hush... here comes the finale."
Naruto and Hinata had made it to her clan compound door. Naruto's face fell when he realized the date was over, and he turned to stare with a nervous smile at Hinata.
"Ah, er... Well! This is it," Naruto said.
"Y-Yes, yes it is," Hinata said. The two preteens stared at each other. I grinned.
"Ah, the tension... The uncertainty... It's all growing, bubbling up, up, up... And it can end in only one of two ways."
Sasuke snorted. "And those are?"
"Kiss or awkward goodbye," I said.
"Can't a kiss also be awkward?" Sakura asked.
I sighed. "Fine then, three ways."
"Um... Well then..." Naruto began, his smile growing a little strained. Hinata's fingers were tapping together rapidly, showing off just how nervous she really was.
"Or Hinata could just faint," Sasuke added flatly.
I rolled my eyes, "All right, yes, there are potentially dozens of ways this could end. Happy?"
I noticed some movement out of the corner of my eye, and saw Kurenai enter Hinata's line of sight, but kept hidden from Naruto. She smiled encouragingly, and seemed to be giving Hinata some pre-arranged signal. Hinata trembled, blushed, and nodded. She then moved forward, and kissed Naruto.
Clearly, even from here, she was aiming for his cheek, but she hit his lips instead. Naruto's face turned bright red in turn, and Hinata's wasn't much better.
"G-G-Goodnight!" She squeaked, before turning and hurrying into the compound. The door shut behind her, leaving a rather shocked Naruto. He then smiled, and turned.
Straight into a wall.
I chuckled, even as Sakura cheered.
"YES! No more of him begging me for dates! This was worth it, completely, totally!"
"Yep," I said. "After all, why would he pursue you, when Hinata seems pretty nice to him?"
"YE- Ah…?" Sakura's face fell, and she stared down at Naruto. Sasuke, who had looked horrified at the prospect of Sakura's attention not constantly being distracted by Naruto, now looked confused and horrified. Confied? Horrorfused? Ooh, I like that one.
I looked at Sasuke, and winked with a smirk.
"Uh... Well. Yeah, that's... that's great," Sakura mumbled. Sasuke met my eyes... And he understood. Guess that "genius" title wasn't for nothing.
"Well, I'm beat," I said, rising. "Goodnight you two. See you bright and early tomorrow." I turned and headed off, having no idea just what kind of events I had set in motion.
But then, did I ever?