A/N: Hey-yoo! Surprised to see me back so soon? Thought running two stories would get the better of me? Well you're wrong. Don't worry though it's still pretty early you could definitely be right if you just a wait a little -i'll crack.

I hope you all enjoyed the last chapter. Please guys, tell me what you're feeling -ok? Is Jaime OOC? Is it too slow for your liking? Was Lorraine too drunk? Is she not drunk often enough? Want more fluff? Want more smut? Tell me, and I will do my best to deliver!

Anyhow, to explain the last chapter -I wanted to kind of kick off Lorraine's spiral. For someone who's pretty much composed all the time she's starting to lose it and this touches on her deep-rooted abandonment issues. Plus, you know, her husband's off to fight some pretty notoriously ruthless pirates so like...i'd be kinda worried too. But that's just me. I hope you liked Benedict Broom too - just in case you were guessing...he is NOT into Lorraine nor will there be anything remotely close to that between them in case there was any confusion. It's the law of displacement ok? Lose a friend, you find a friend. She's gonna need someone. This is a girl that was used to growing up with all her siblings around her all the time and now she's pretty much alone. I wanted to portray that that's an actual struggle, you can't just marry someone and have your life turned upside down and expect nothing to change besides your sex feelings.

This chapter you'll get to see a lot more of how Jaime's dealing with all of it as well (surprise, surprise, he's not too happy either!)

Plus, we get to hear from the old family again! Fun! Yes? No?

I'm hella connected to these characters you guys. Like, sometimes I forget that Reina and Elaine and Duncan...aren't real or even canon. Fanfiction...we're all here to suffer together aren't we? Anyways. ENJOY.

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Dearest Lorraine,

It feels like it has been so long since you have written, I hope everything is well with you. Margot sends all her love and regards. As do I.

How is your work at Casterly Rock fairing? Any news on the gardens? The gardens here seem to miss you. As do I.

I've heard news of the Tully's leaving the Rock to finally make their way to King's Landing, I imagine that must be a burden off your shoulder. All that awkward unpleasantness, I suppose it's good news to know you're no longer sharing a roof with a known rebel.

Duncan writes to me -as does Lord Tarly to Father, and he seems to be coming along splendidly. Or at least as splendidly as you could squiring for Lord Tarly, by the Gods, a formidable man of course but such a bore! Though I assumed you'd say I was one to talk.

I miss you very much my love. Perhaps a visit is due soon? I don't suppose it's been long enough since you've been there for you to be leaving so soon, so perhaps you could accommodate Margot and I sometime. Though I admit I have been quite busy as of late, i'm sure something could be arranged in the span of the next two moons.

Write to me when you have the time, I dearly wish for it. It's so strange not to have you here, where you had always belonged. Though I don't doubt you fit in beautifully at the Rock -far better than I ever did I expect.

Ever Yours,

Addam.

Dear Lorraine,

I'll have you know that the smell here is far worse than your husband had ever made it out to be (or maybe he had grown used to it!), as for the court I can't really say much about it since I can not really call myself a heavily participating member -people here are, as you would expect, very rarely inclined to have their interest piqued by a lowly squire such as myself.

I never knew fashions varied so drastically in King's Landing. Honestly, Lorraine, dresses are merely a few patches of silk held together by a few strings. Though, I will admit, the girls from Highgarden do wear them well. There is a girl, a ladies maid to Queen Margeary, who I think is very pretty. I haven't found out her name yet, but she is a dream to look at when I get the chance to peek. Perhaps one day when I am a proper knight I could ask for her favour, do you think a beautiful woman would give me her favour sister?

But it is all as well that I do not have something as trivial as a courtship to distract me -Lord Tarly's work is very demanding! But Father and Addam say it will make me stronger and more "resilient". Do not misunderstand me, sister, for I know that strength and knighthood are not only useful but vital to a man, but by the Gods Lorraine if you could see how relentless Lord Tarly is you'd think i'd be marching off to war in a fortnight.

The Tully's will be arriving soon, as you had told me. Lord Tarly himself is in charge of organising their guard detail -which has been quite difficult since there seems to be a shortage in knights and as you probably already know the Kingsguard can not exactly be spared at the moment. As a result, I might have to be assigned as an occasional escort. Which I can not say i'm not slightly relieved about -anything away from Lord Tarly is a slight relief. And plus, I could keep an eye on Lady Roslin, just as you had asked.

I've been thinking about things a lot recently and i've just realised that Lord Jaime is your second cousin. Well, our second cousin to be accurate. How come I never realised that before? It's not like I didn't know his grandmother was Father's aunt. That made Father Tywin Lannister's first cousin, did it not? How come no one ever boasted about that? Do you think I could get away with using this newly realised relation to my advantage here? I mean, it was not enough that my sister was wife to one of the most powerful men in Westeros but that I was actually related to him! Lo and behold, Duncan Marbrand, Lord Lannister's cousin -once removed. I imagine not. But then again others have clung on to even more distant relations in the hopes that it would further them, shame it was all in vain.

Perhaps you and my brother in law could visit soon? I know it's not been long since he's last been here but I trust I could tempt him with an expository dinner about your antics! Do think about it, will you? Family would be a welcome sight...even if it is just you.

Ever Yours,

Duncan.

My Dear Sister,

How busy must you be for you not to respond? I see becoming Lady of Casterly Rock has made you too good for me!

Enclosed with my letter is a painting I made of the coastline -isn't it beautiful? I won't wait for you to confirm it since I already know it to be true... though i'll probably die of old age before you'd respond.

I know that with Roslin gone it must be getting a bit lonely, but you still have Lord Jaime. Or is it Lord Lannister? I'm still not sure what would be proper of me to call him. You know him better than I Lorraine, would he be inclined to strike his sister in law down for not addressing him correctly?

Oh how I would love to visit! You know I would darling! Especially since Casterly Rock is so incredibly close, but Jason worries that the journey would have an effect on the pregnancy. It's not been going as smoothly as I had anticipated, there have been a few incidents but the Maester assured me it would all be well as long as I stayed relaxed and at home. Which I suppose Fair Isle is now, isn't it?

Perhaps you could come visit! If your husband could spare you, that is. I absolutely insist that you be here for when the baby comes. I've already written to Reina and Janyne and i'm sure Addam and Margot and Father could come up as well if we asked -it could be a lovely reunion if we wanted! Of course, we'll have to do without Duncan. I don't suppose our brother would expedite his efforts and get himself knighted in a few moons, would he?

Perhaps you could answer me with a drawing of your own, however horrible it might be.

I miss you achingly.

Ever Yours,

Elaine.

Lorraine

Where could I even begin? What lie would I have to spin? Why am I lying to my family?

I had been excited to receive their letters, since any news from them was welcome and I knew reading what they had to say would bring me comfort -especially with Roslin gone. But I had not anticipated that as soon as my feelings of longing and love had calmed I would be met with the fear of having to meet their words with dishonesty.

They had all asked for me to visit or for them to come visit, and how could I ever deny them? But I knew painstakingly well that I had to.

"No one can know of this." Jaime had said one night when we were discussing his departure. I, of course, had to pick his brain about every last detail pertaining to his journey.

"Why not?" I had asked.

"There can not be any unnecessary worry."

"But what about-"

"I will tell you when it's time to worry." He had interrupted, selfishly trying to soothe me. And though I had wanted to argue the matter I knew deep down he was right. If I were not his wife perhaps I would have told him so.

But it did not make it any less difficult. The mere thought of writing back to Addam -who was always so callous and indifferent to writing letters but had obviously made an effort to seek me out, insincerely formed a lump too large for me to swallow down. It was torture enough not saying anything about Roslin to him -I had only told Duncan for the sake of acquiring his help with the situation, but omitting a truth was not the same as telling a lie. What lie would I have to weave this time?

What I would write in my letters -though perplexing, was a strategic alternative to have to consume my thoughts. It was after all far better than having to think about the impending emptiness of my bed.

I understood the situation. I understood he had to go. I understood I wouldn't know when i'd have him back. I understood he could make me no promises. But it felt like he was throwing it around so loosely just because it was a matter now accepted. Every time he casually mentioned the fact of his departure or anything related to it felt like a stab to the side of my neck and I could physically feel my face tighten. Was he not breaking as harshly as I was? All my pieces were scrambled, rough at the edges and scratching at every surface of me they had come to know.

Today he was giving instructions to Daemon and the household guard about the exact formation of their departure and what distinct supplies they would need -and how they would plan to ration it later if need be. At luncheon of all times and places. It was rare enough we got to have lunch together at all, so the fact that this time could be marred by the never ending presence of a matter that was of great inconvenience to me was not exactly adding to my joy.

I looked at my food, aching to want to eat. But no desire came. I felt sick.

But when I heard Jaime's conversation stop I lifted my head back up to face him and it was all too clear that I was lying to Jaime too. He sat there and though a part of me was infuriated at how unaffected he looked while I was crumbling I somehow pulled on a smile. How could I scowl? How could I do anything but smile -even when everything in me was trying to stop me, when my husband looked at me like that? Nothing went away, everything still loomed over me -but it was like I was somehow stopping it from doing the same to him.

"Will you be heading back to the gardens today?" He asked,

"No, I have some letters to write"

"How social of you"

"For my family" He nodded comically and I laughed thinking it was a little strange -my husband was ever so rarely comical, at least not on purpose.

I wanted to tell him about the letters. I wanted to tell him about what they had said, what they had asked of me. But I was tired of crying in his arms, and somehow Jaime and I had come up with a sort of unspoken agreement where we did not really discuss or make any future plans. Perhaps he did not want to have to make any promises he did not keep and I did not want to force him to be a liar for me.

"Are they well? Any idea how Duncan's coming along? Randyll Tarly boring him to an early grave yet?" I laughed as I nodded in confirmation, it was good to laugh again.

We finished our luncheon as we spoke about the trivialities of the day-by-day running of things. Recently, I had taken up a lot more things in regard to my duties as the Lady of Casterly Rock -more than just the almost finished restoration of the gardens. I had taken to ordering new furnishings for some of the barer halls, consulting with the land farmers about investing in crops on abandoned lands and even on occasion venturing out into Lannisport to visit the orphanage I was apparently patron to and spend some coin at the market. I always had Daemon and Benedict (of course) with me on these ventures outside of the castle walls, and though I had initially been a little terrified of stepping out into a place where I would be recognised and judged it was so good to be around people again. Things were alive and buzzing and I could even, for a few brief moments, forget that my life was on the precipice of change.

"I think I will go now" I motioned to him and before I knew it Benedict was pulling my seat out for me. I had not expected he would understand that yet.

With Jaime still sitting down, I walked over to his side of the table to give him a swift kiss on the cheek before heading off. Before I could do that he had his hands firmly placed on my hips as he maneouvered his head so his lips could collide with mine

He rarely ever kissed me so publicly, and I could feel eyes shirking away from us. We had our eyes closed, our mouths not even moving against each other -just savouring the feel of him on me. My hand moved up to rest on his jaw, the same jaw I had ventured kissing for the first time when I was just a shy young maiden -his best friend's youngest sister. I pulled away slightly, setting my lips on his nose for a quick kiss, and I wore my smile as I faced him once more.

"Enjoy your day, wife"

I left him with a giggle and Benedict hot on my heels -but I did not make my way to the solar as expected. And I was beginning to feel sorry for Benedict for having to put up with my tempestuous change in direction so often. I walked through the same way that Jaime had once led me through and eventually found myself facing the same open arch that had led us to the beach that first time.

I took my shoes off in the entryway before stepping outside, the sunlight not as harsh on the sand as it was the last time I was there. It still felt course under my bare feet, but also incredibly soothing as my feet shifted heavily in the folds of the endless grains.

I was a dozen steps out when I realised I was missing the feeling of someone behind me -a feeling I had not realised I had gotten used to until then. I looked back at Benedict -who was still standing at the entryway, and he still had his eyes trained on me. As I stood there with my feet buried in the sand I examined his face as we held our unspoken staring contest. He was unsure, looking at the sand like it was a ring of fire around me, like he was an intruder. I may have thought of him as just that if anyone had asked me a moon ago. But I was not where I was a moon ago, things were not what they were a moon ago, I am not the same. Nor was Benedict the same to me. Somehow the stoic guard, strong and reliable and not particularly enjoyable to be around, was now an integral part of my sanity. Steadfast and quick, he was to me what the burning tree was to Ashemark -something that would always remain there.

He somehow understood my silent invitation and took his first unstable steps to join me, and I turned back to resume my walk along the shoreline. That was what I liked most about Benedict -the very same thing I could not stand with Jaime or anyone else, the silence between us.

I had always loved the silence, but I knew enough about everyone else to understand that it was alarming to them, and its absence instead was a sign of continuous functioning. But I let Benedict see me in silence in whatever state I was truly in -in a time when I couldn't be anything but what others needed of me. I didn't have to pretend, I did not have to wear any other face. I could spend my time foolishly wondering where I had gone, and what woman had replaced me.

When had I become this person? When had I become the person that had to struggle to find an instance in which I was real? I wanted to blame him, I wanted to blame him for walking into Ashemark and stealing me away from it all -from the comfort and the happiness and the very splendour that was fibrous to my being. But I could not. Not just because none of this was his fault but that I had chosen him. I had wanted him. I remember it distinctly, he had asked me to dance and I never wanted his hands to leave me. He had stood close to me and all I had wanted was for his lips to claim me. He had asked me to marry him and I had said yes -and at no point afterwards did I wish to say no. I was a woman grown and I had made my bed, it was my duty to lie in it without blaming my husband for either the choices I had made or the ones that had been thrust upon us.

But still, I had never been so exhausted by feeling like a liar. I felt somehow duplicitous to every one I loved by not being my one true self -by not expressing what I was truly feeling. Wasn't that what my silence had been about to begin with? That I would not use words as some sort of shield. Didn't that devoid me of all my arguments? It turns out, you don't need words to be dishonest. You could just pretend everything was alright when it was not. But there was nothing I could do -nor was there anything else I would choose to do. It was for the best, and though I knew it was done for the preservation of everyone's peace of mind, I knew it would never be something I was thanked for. It was a necessity they would not understand.

Sometimes keeping secrets from the one you love the most -your brother, your sister, your husband, is the only way. I'm not sure what that way leads to, but it is the only one my options can allow me to walk down.

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Dearest Addam,

I am so glad to know that you and Margot are well. Please give her plenty of kisses for me -which you should already be doing to begin with.

Our dear Duncan has written to me as well -in great detail might I add, about his adventures as Lord Tarly's squire, but I have every faith in him that he'll pull through. And i'm sure you do as well.

Casterly Rock is as wonderful as ever, of course. But what with Jaime's cousin gone it admittedly is a bit lonely. It's so big I fear even a hundred guests would still feel quite lonely. The gardens are pretty much finished as the staff and I have been recently working tirelessly to get them done -i'm not sure what for. I'm just worried I won't find another project to take up my time before I'm done with the gardens.

I don't think I need to explain that I miss you greatly as well. It has been so hard not to see your red hair at every corner -especially when I finally had you back after all that time. A visit to the Rock is far overdue but I fear that it'll have to wait until both Jaime and I are relieved of our more pressing duties. Not that my longing to see you is not pressing enough.

Is everything alright with Father? He has not written to me in so long, nor has he responded to my most recent letter. I hope he is not too overwhelmingly preoccupied with anything. I suppose you're my only spy now -do check on him, brother. It would be nice to have one thing less to worry about.

I love you, I love you, I love you. Jaime sends his regards and I know he misses your company as well. You didn't hear that from me.

Ever Yours,

Lorraine.

Dearest Duncan,

You should not sell yourself short. You may be a lowly squire but I can assure you you are indeed a handsome one. I would not at all be surprised if you've already become the object of some young maiden's affections -perhaps the ladies maid you noticed had noticed you in return. And i'm sure once you are a knight all the maidens would be waving their favours in their hands for you to take.

But even with all that said, do not let your eyes wander for too long dear brother. These ladies are someone's daughters or sisters and the haughtiness of the capital makes it logically the most likely place for suspicion. Just don't get yourself challenged to a duel over some young girl's honour, alright?

As I had explained, I merely want you to be watchful and careful over Lady Roslin, nothing more. I do not wanting you involving yourself with Lord Edmure, just to be safe. Just watch over Roslin, make sure she's comfortable, make sure no one mean or malicious comes her way. And do not, for all that is good, mention me to her, is that understood?

And yes, Jaime and I are second cousins now that I think of it. I suppose we're a far cry from the Lannisters though -no green eyed golden haired gods are we? And you know Father had never had much love for King's Landing, so what good would leeching off a cousin do for him if he had no intention of sending any of us there? Except for you of course, he must have a lot of faith in you.

As for a visit, it is true that I would like to see King's Landing at some point. I already know that the King has requested we come but honestly I am not sure if Jaime would allow it so soon after his last visit -he has to let the situations brewing there settle as well before going back to check on things. I'll talk to Jaime about it, I would love to see you take orders for once.

Ever Yours,

Lorraine.

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Dearest Elaine,

Your painting is indeed marvelous my love -even a lady as haughty as Lady Lannister thinks so! I have also heard, from many a reliable source, that she misses you dearly and can not wait until she can tease you about how fat you've gotten.

As for a drawing in return, I'm afraid I must decline. I would rather not mar your vision with my unskilled attempts. But I have in appeasement to your wrath sent with this letter a small blanket in our house colours for the little one -oh do let it know we are anxious to meet it! I'm sure father especially can not wait to welcome his first grandchild.

You can have it on good authority that you may address my husband however you like (you did not hear it from me), thankfully my husband's indifference extends so far I doubt he would care what you called him. Although I doubt you make it your mission to write to him.

I would not let you visit even if you tried! Your health is the highest priority, and I will not allow you to put my niece/nephew's life in peril for a meager visit to my humble cottage! I assure you I -as well as the rest of us, will be there when the baby comes. I would not miss it for all the stars in the sky.

And though Duncan is by no means on any expedited paths to knighthood I am hearing from multiple sources that he is doing very well for himself at the Capital -so there really should be no delays in seeing him.

I miss you and all of your laughs.

Ever Yours,

Lorraine.

Jaime

She was different in a way that he knew she hoped he would not notice. It was obvious to him beyond reproach that she had been exhausting herself with her un-matching persona, but if it made him glad for anything it was for the fact that she did not notice his own changing faces.

All he wanted to do was lock himself in their bedchamber and memorise every part of her before his duty would tear him away. All he wanted was to be able to face her knowing that their embrace would not be lost forever.

He had never felt that way before, not even with Cersei. With Cersei it had always been a suffocating love and whenever he went away it chased him. He fought for it with everything he had because he had known nothing else to live for. With Cersei it had always felt like a decision he hadn't made for himself, like it was a greater destiny no one would understand. It felt like he had started walking down a long hall and the sword behind him just made him run faster and harder to the room he had to get to, his only mission was to get to the end; to see it through.

But there were no rooms with Lorraine. He had met her when he was free falling, and she had been the only thing to catch him -even if she had not known it. And faced with the feeling of slipping, every waking moment without her felt like a nervous night sweat.

Why had she chosen him? Why had she wanted him?

"Because you are brave. And kind." She had said to him in the maze in Ashemark when he had asked why she thought he was a good man. He would never forget those words. Not ever, and not now when his marriage and his wife were hanging on by a thread. He never expected that after finally settling down with someone who was good and precious the Gods would choose to shake everything to its core once more. But even when he had to listen to her weep while she dreamt or watch her painfully hold herself together living day-by-day, he remembered what she had said to him that one sunny day. And although no one would agree with her had he asked them, he knew he had to be just that for her.

I will be brave and kind for you, that is the least you deserve of me.

So Jaime told himself, day in and day out of the incessant torture, that he was lying to her for her own benefit. Even though she probably hated him for it, he was thankful she couldn't see how white his knuckles were every time the subject was brought up in front of the both of them and he had to give orders about the matter like it was nothing. Like it was just a trip and he would be back in a fortnight.

He walked with Vylarr, the captain of Casterly Rock's guard, around the outer terrace circling the castle as he discussed with him the emergency guard detail surrounding his wife and the new training schedule for the guards that would be left at the Rock. He lifted his shoulders straight, the way they always were when he was giving orders, and his voice never shook once while he repeated over and over again things that he did not even want to hear. "When we leave." "Should anything happen to my wife." "Unclear when we will return." "Arrangements for an escape." They were all things he would have preferred to ignored. He had never felt so exhausted, he had never felt so old.

He stopped himself and Vylarr in their tracks when he noticed two familiar figures walking along the shoreline, their footprints only a memory behind them. She was wearing one of the dresses he had had made for her, the simple white linen that she had loved so much. It was flimsy under the gentle breeze, but it somehow reminded Jaime of his wedding day.

An old cripple stood and waited for an unusual bride in an unusually white dress in a sept full of people that loved her. It felt like it was another age. She looked so exhausted, and it felt like she had aged a thousand years over the course of a few moons. The few moons that should have become a blissful forever for the both of them."But I can promise that I will try my very best to make you happy. I know that. And of the many things I may be, Kingslayer being one of them, I can not bear to kneel in front of someone as precious as you and lie. You remind me of the good I once saw in the world. And perhaps it is selfish of me to ask that you let me keep that by me, but I assure you would want for nothing if you were to accept." He remembered saying to her to convince her to accept, and now he felt like a fraud -something he thought he would never have to again feel when he was with Lorraine.

His hand reached into the pocked in his breaches and he felt once more the letter he had received that same morning from Lord Marbrand, and reminded himself that that was yet another omission of truth he would keep from Lorraine -one of many. Though if it meant protecting her and her delicate heart, he would look her in the eye and lie to her just as he had been taught.

As he looked over her solemn figure once more, walking farther and farther away from him until she was a dark speck in the infinite sand, he could do nothing blame himself again for the millionth time that he was the reason for her unhappiness when he had promised her anything but.

My Lord Marbrand,

Though I certainly am not happy to lie to my wife, I know that she could not handle such news -especially at such a time.

I will keep her away from Ashemark -just as you have asked, but I implore you do let me know when you decide on telling her the truth of your condition so that I may ensure I am there to soften the blow.

She has been...not exactly delicate but I fear she is on the verge of being so. I'm sure you must think that I have failed her as a husband, and at this point i'm not sure you're quite so mistaken. But there are things beyond my control that choose to affect us in the greatest of proportions. I only ask that you trust that your daughter will be taken care of, and loved to the highest of orders.

I love her. I hope you understand that. I love your daughter, and I have never been prouder to love anyone in my life. And so you must understand that there is not a force in this world that I am prepared to allow me to tear away from her. Nor is there anyone or anything I would let hurt her, not when it is within my power to protect her.

I hope you rest easy knowing that.

Sincerely,

Jaime Lannister.

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Next chapter will provide us with a change of scenery, back to King's Landing!