Evangeline sighed and tried not to give her evening companion the satisfaction of knowing that he'd gotten to her. Her date for this evening was Llanview's resident bad boy, Todd Manning. He'd been on the wrong side of the law more times that she could count, but as of late he'd been on relatively good behavior. Likely, it had something to do with is on again off again wife, Blair Cramer. Though he had a tough exterior, Evangeline connected with the kind and loving side of Todd that he rarely showed to others. Because of this, they'd become friends outside of their business relationship. Todd loved her because she was honest and kept him out of jail. Evangeline loved him because he was honest.
"Come on, you know I'm right," Todd smiled playfully knowing that he'd made Evangeline uncomfortable. He hadn't seen her too often lately, but he'd been trying to spend more time with her after he learned about her secret pregnancy. As long as Todd didn't screw something up, he knew Evangeline would always be a good friend to him. For that reason, he was protective of her like he was with Blair.
"No, Todd. You're wrong." Evangeline sipped her club soda and cut her eyes to the other patrons in the bar. Todd insisted that she meet him at Capricorn now that RJ had lost control of it. He also wanted to get her out of the house. She was naturally a homebody, and Todd thought it was a waste for such a beautiful woman to be spending her Saturday evenings home alone.
"Okay, if you don't give me a scoop, I'll just fill in the details on my own." Todd was pressing her about a client and an article he was writing about that situation. Evangeline was ever the professional and never gave him even a hint of information. "Barkeep, another!" Todd shouted without looking over his shoulder. The staff was used to him, and if he wasn't loaded he would have been asked to leave long ago.
Evangeline smiled politely as the waitress quickly brought him another drink. She recognized the face, but the name wasn't immediately coming to her. She was someone that Layla had invited to dinner once. "So, what's going on in your world? How are Blair and the kids?"
"Nah uh, don't try that on me. We're talking about you tonight. How are things with you and mopey?" Todd sipped his drink while checking his phone. He and Blair were having problems, but he didn't want to think about that tonight. Tonight, he would give Evangeline his undivided attention about her life and her needs.
"Todd, we're not together. There's nothing to talk about," Evangeline spoke slowly, as if he was having a hard time understanding her. Things with John were better. After the baby shower, they shared an intimate moment, but he'd kept his distance since then. He'd opened up a little, but he was still holding back something that she knew was important. That was still besides the point. She loved him, but she couldn't be with him.
"Then let's talk about how you find your way back to him." Todd looked at her seriously. Evangeline was great. In another life, he could see himself falling madly in love with her. Since that wasn't even a remote possibility, he wanted to find the right man for her. "You know I'm not a fan of John's, but you were happy when you were with him. Really happy."
"Yeah, I remember that. John has," Evangeline thought for a moment looking to find the right words. "John has issues."
"You knew that from day one. Guy's not going to change. That's not how men work." Todd quickly interrupted.
Evangeline raised his eyebrow to say that she didn't believe him. Todd had been reformed and it was largely from Blair's efforts. She'd turned the town pariah into a more respected member of the community. He had his moments still, but he was far from the man that he used to be. "I'm not asking John to change. I know that's not fair."
"Then what's the problem. He's single." Todd leaned forward with his elbows on the table top. "I love my niece, but she's not with John. You should go for him. Everyone else's feelings be damned." Natalie was not his favorite niece, but he cared for her because Viki did.
"You are the second person that's told me that. Are you conspiring with Rex Balsom?" Evangeline remembered running into him a few weeks ago. He wanted to push Evangeline and John together to "keep Natalie safe." Evangeline chose to ignore him altogether. He was one of Natalie's many family members that had pushed her to go after John while he was still with Evangeline. Whatever game they were playing, she wanted no part of it.
"As if," Todd was actually offended that she even suggested such a thing. "I'm speaking from a realistic point of view. I'm saying this as your friend. John made you happy. You made him less grumpy. Why not try to find a way to get past everything and be together?"
"Because maybe I can't forgive and forget everything that's happened. Maybe I'm still pissed about him and Natalie or him and Cristian. John is not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. At least not the kind that I want. I can't focus on us when our focus needs to be on the baby. I don't care if he never loves me as long as he loves our child." Evangeline's hands instinctively went to her abdomen. Sure, she'd dreamed of a reunion with John, but it wasn't going to happen.
"Don't you get tired of this whole being selfless thing? It's really overrated, you know." Todd tapped on the table to bring Evangeline's attention back to him. He hadn't planned on bringing out the big guns, but he decided that the situation needed it. "Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you're not so much selfless as you are scared."
Evangeline's brow wrinkled into a scowl. "Careful Todd. You're playing with fire." Evangeline's eyes searched for Layla. Any other time she was meeting someone at Capricorn, Layla would show up to interrupt. Of course, she wouldn't be available right now.
"You love me because I'm honest, so I'm not going to hold back this time." Todd leaned back in his chair with a sigh. Evangeline would never stoop so low, but he wanted to put himself out of slapping range. "You keep getting involved with guys that you know it's never going to work with."
"Bad character judgment," Evangeline looked away from him.
"Bull, and you know it. You are excellent at reading people. Hell, it's your job. That's why you're so successful. Why you chose a control freak like RJ or an emotional cripple like John is beyond me. I know you like a good challenge, most women do, but these are fatal flaws that you knew you wouldn't be able to overcome. Why'd you let yourself fall for them?"
Evangeline refused to let her tears fall. Todd was a lot of things, a lot of bad, but he was highly perceptive. He too knew how to read people, and, apparently, he'd read Evangeline like a book. "Maybe you should represent yourself the next time you get in a jam, counselor." Evangeline had to evade the question because she wasn't ready to answer. She could admit that she wasn't in love with RJ and never had been, but there was something symptomatic about their relationship from the start. That same symptom appeared in her relationship with John, but she'd been careless and fell in love.
Todd could tell that he'd done enough for tonight. Evangeline had some food for thought and what she did with that information would determine how things would turn out. "I want for you to be happy. Doesn't have to be with McBain. I'd rather it not be, actually. You have got to stop shopping at the loser lot or you going to get your heart broken again. I'm sure I don't' have to remind you, but now you'll have a kid in the mix too. Be careful or you'll end up like Nora." Todd stood up and kissed Evangeline gently on the cheek. She was going to cry, and he wanted to let her do it in peace. "I'll see you later."
Evangeline took several long moments to collect herself. She refused to walk out of here with mascara running down her cheeks. Her conversation with Todd had been so engaging that she hadn't noticed John who arrived several minutes earlier.
"Never going to understand your friendship with that guy." John smiled down at her. He didn't know what they were talking about, but he could tell when Evangeline was upset. Layla or Nora would have been a better choice to comfort her, but John was the only familiar face around.
"Like I couldn't understand your 'friendship' with Natalie," Evangeline spoke cruelly when she realized that John had approached her. He was trying to lighten the mood, but she was angry now.
"Probably not the exact same, but maybe similar enough." John didn't ask before he sat down in the chair that had been occupied by Todd. He knew Evangeline wouldn't like it, but he didn't care.
"Yeah, except, I don't sleep with my friends." Evangeline leaned back in her chair and folded her arms across her chest. She was giving John a warning. 'Go now or you might get hurt.'
John could only shrug in response. "Guess you got me there." John took a big swig of his beer before setting it down on the table. He hadn't seen Evangeline like this before. He was scared and intrigued. "I know they're supposed to be family, but Natalie and Todd couldn't be more different."
"Selfish. Conniving. Reckless. Sounds like it runs in the family." Evangeline wasn't trying to bash Todd, but she knew that he wasn't perfect. Their friendship had been maintained because he'd never been an obstacle to her. She hoped that fate would not test their relationship. Todd was one of the few people she could count on.
"Okay. Guess you got me there too." John was starting to regret his decision. He hadn't anticipated this level of anger from Evangeline. He figured it was her hormones, but he wouldn't dare say that out loud.
John's head turned when he saw a uniformed officer out of the corner of his eye. He motioned for the officer to come over. "Brady, you forget you're on the clock."
"No, sir." Brady stood at attention. He was a new hire who'd recently left the army. John was trying to break him of some of his old army habits. "Responding to a vandalism call. Perps were slashing tires out in the parking lot. Got six cars before the security guard chased them away. Security is already pulling tapes to see if they got eyes on the perp."
John finished off his beer. He was beyond handling petty crime like this. Since he didn't have anything better to do, he was ready to volunteer for grunt work. It would be a good excuse to distance himself from Evangeline.
"We called some tow trucks, so the cars aren't left out overnight. Sorry to say, but they got your car, Ms. Williamson." The man still stood at attention as he continued to speak. "If you've got a spare maybe someone can put it on. Otherwise, we'll tow it with the rest."
"This is just not my night." Evangeline started to dig down in her purse for her phone. She had a spare, but she didn't want to drive on it with the roads being wet from a storm.
"Brady, I'll follow up with you in the morning." John changed his plan and dismissed him. "I'll drive you home."
Evangeline would refuse, but she didn't want to put Layla out. Todd was long gone and calling a cab was out of the question. Now she was wishing she hadn't been so snippy before. "Lead the way."
John was polite and played the radio the whole way. He wouldn't force her into any awkward conversation on the way there. He'd said enough at Capricorn. He pulled in to her driveway and shook his head. Her motion sensor lighting hadn't activated like it should have. Whether she wanted him to or not, he was going to change that bulb tonight. Her living alone was worrisome enough. She lived in a nice neighborhood, but that alone was not enough of a criminal deterrent.
"Let me walk you in. I'll go ahead and change that light too." John looked over at her. His eyes told her that he wasn't asking a question. He grabbed his large flashlight from the driver's side door panel and stuffed it in his back pocket as he exited the vehicle.
The motion sensor lights in the front worked and were illuminated when Evangeline opened the side gate. She didn't wait for John since he had a key and knew his way around her tools. Instead, she chose to go make herself a cup of tea and to get out of her evening clothes. She would take her makeup off and wait to shower, so that she could see John off. After fifteen minutes of waiting, she settled into the den. She saw John walking around the yard and wondered what he was doing, but she wouldn't go out to ask. The TV kept her company until he was finished.
"Those other lights need to be changed in the next three months. Just make sure you stagger it, so all the bulbs don't blow out at the same time." John spoke from behind her. He was telling her what to do, but he'd probably be the one to do the work. If he mentioned it now, she wouldn't question him about it later.
"Thank you, John." Evangeline had enough time to let go of her anger. She knew John was just trying to lift her spirits, but she'd been down right rude. "Look, I'm sorry about earlier. What I said was uncalled for." Her good manners finally kicked in. Lisa would have been disappointed that it took so long for her to come to her senses.
"Don't worry about it." John walked around the sofa and sat on the coffee table near her. He caught the look on her face and instead sat in the chair near the sofa. "I should be the one apologizing and not just about tonight. I ended up with Natalie and we never really talked about it."
Evangeline watched him curiously. Why of all things would he bring this up now? "It's okay. We weren't together." In Evangeline's mind, it wasn't okay. 'We're just friends' was abandoned almost immediately after their breakup. There had only been months in between their breakup and him getting with Natalie since Natalie was missing. Besides that, John was still trying to reconcile with Evangeline when Natalie was missing. Though he claimed to love solitude, he bounced between Natalie and Evangeline. He never fully committed to either woman, but kept them engaged enough that they couldn't resist him.
"It happened and I can't change that." John studied her face and considered his options. He'd been directed by Dr. Crosby to find ways to open up with people and to start being honest with his feelings. Talking to Evangeline seemed the most appropriate since he'd hurt her the most. If anyone deserved the truth, she did. "It was just easy with Natalie 'cause she reminded me so much of Caitlyn." Caitlyn had been to Natalie what Natalie had been to Evangeline, an ever-present force that kept John preoccupied.
Evangeline let out an audible sigh. That was a kick in the teeth that she just wasn't ready for. Caitlyn was the love of John's life, and, but for a deranged serial killer, he'd be living his happily ever after with her. To hear that Natalie was that woman's equal was a hard pill to swallow.
Evangeline had to wonder why he was telling her this now. She could only guess that he was looking to reconcile with Natalie. That pesky clause that he willingly agreed to in the custody arrangement had quickly come back to bite him. The baby wasn't even born yet and the agreement wasn't to be modified for a year after that. This was a test that Evangeline wasn't ready for. She'd taken the highroad once and done everything in her power to give them a change. Even if John was being honest, Evangeline wasn't sure she was ready to do it again.
"I know we never really talked about Caitlyn, except the baby scare thing." John decided to push through before he lost his nerve. If he didn't finish now, he'd break Evangeline's heart all over again.
"We don't have to, John." Evangeline had been able to hold back her tears all night long. This might have been her limit.
"I'd like to tell you about her. If you'd let me." Asking her permission was more appropriate than just forcing her to listen. After everything that happened, she didn't owe him anything.
Left with a difficult choice, Evangeline decided that she should encourage John. This wasn't the first time he'd chosen to open up to her. For the sake of their child, it seemed like he was trying to heal some old wounds. She couldn't deny him. "Tell me about her, John."
"First time I met her she was a freshman in college, and I was waiting on my background check to go through for the bureau. She'd gotten herself into some trouble." John watched Evangeline's expression. He made a mental note not to push her. She said her blood pressure had been under control, so he didn't want to upset her. "She had a relationship with her professor. When she got pregnant, he talked her into having an abortion."
That grabbed Evangeline's attention. As far as she knew, Caitlyn had been like a saint. Selflessly working to care for special needs children and loving John were all she really knew about her. This revelation was an affront to that.
"Her family was really Catholic, so she hid it from them. She broke it off with him and he didn't take to kindly to that. He started stalking her. I was hanging around a coffee shop. She comes over and asks me to play along. I had no idea what was going on, but I caught on pretty quick. It worked pretty well though. Guy got the hint that she was moving on."
John shifted in his chair. He didn't like being under the watchful eye of Evangeline, but it was to be expected. He wouldn't be able to simply tell this story without her reacting at all.
"I had the time, so I'd show up and walk her to class sometimes or she'd meet me at the coffee shop. We became friends. She started opening up to me. You know the story, though. Guy promises he'll leave his family, but never does. Caitlyn felt stupid for falling for it. She wanted to tell the guy's wife. She wanted to ruin his life. I talked her down. Told her it wasn't worth it."
"His wife had a right to know." Evangeline could understand Caitlyn's perspective. "I'm guessing she told her anyway."
John wasn't surprised that she was that perceptive. He'd only wished he was back then. "Yeah. It was after I'd left for Quantico, and I wasn't there to be the voice of reason. The guy and his wife get into a huge fight that day. Turns out they had a kid with some kind of sensory issues, so the yelling really messed him up. Kid runs off during the argument and gets hit by a car."
She could tell from John's eyes already. "He didn't make it." She watched as John shook his head. "That's so terrible. That's awful."
"It wasn't her fault, but Caitlyn took it hard. She finished that semester and moved back home. To atone for what she'd done, she changed majors. Decided to dedicate herself to children with special needs in the kid's honor." Though he wasn't related to the involved parties, this too had been a defining moment in John's life. He couldn't help but wonder how his life would be different if he was able to talk Caitlyn down successfully.
"It was years later before I met her again. This time I was in the bureau. Katherine and I were partnered up at this point. I didn't even know they were sisters. I run into Caitlyn out of the blue and we catch up. She asks me for a favor. The family is having a get together and she didn't want to show up without a date. I can't help but think of what half-baked backup plan she has, so I agree."
"Did she not know that you were Katherine's partner?" Evangeline had done well to have lasted this long without asking a question.
"She didn't. Imagine my surprise when I show up to dinner. I'd been very flirty with Katherine. I liked her. Then I show up as her sister's boyfriend. Anything I had hoped for wasn't ever going to happen. No good deed, right?" John hadn't ever admitted to anyone other than Caitlyn that he was interested in Katherine. She'd felt bad for ruining his chances and that had only complicated things further. "Dinner went off fine. Her family loved me. Said we were perfect together."
Evangeline had to wonder about the John McBain that met Fitzgerald family. He'd been very patient with her family, but no one was declaring them a match made in heaven. "Fate is funny that way. You never know how or when you'll meet your soulmate."
"Yeah well. All I knew was that I screwed up one relationship to fake another. I couldn't tell Catherine I lied. Caitlyn had been more fragile since she'd come back from school and the whole family had been worried about her. Katherine chocked my flirting off as innocent. Watching us together, Caitlyn guessed that I had a thing for Katherine. She felt pretty bad about that."
"But eventually you got over it, right?"
"My feelings for Catherine? Yeah, but by that time Caitlyn and I were sort of…we were casual." John hated to admit that on more than one occasion he was comfortable having a purely sexual relationship with someone. He could read the surprise on Evangeline's face. "Friends with benefits is really not as great as people make it seem." John paused for a moment forgetting that his relationship with Evangeline started casually. "I've told you some of it before."
Evangeline was surprised that John was being so candid, but it wasn't making her feel better. Though he said Natalie reminded him of Caitlyn, it was Evangeline that had a more similar relationship with John. They started out casually, she and Caitlyn fell in love, and then there was a baby situation for both of them.
"One day I came home, Caitlyn was crying. I figured something happened with one of the kids at school. She told me she was pregnant." John was glad that he'd almost gotten the whole story out. Telling it hadn't been devastating like he'd anticipated. "I didn't say anything for five good minutes. Then I got a call from work and I told her we'd talk later. I was glad for the interruption."
"Did you want the baby?" Evangeline wanted an honest answer since her situation was so similar to Caitlyn's. If he didn't want her baby, why would he want Evangeline's?
"Honestly, no. Didn't matter though. Caitlyn must have known. She'd already been through it once and it almost destroyed her. She told her folks and then it was set in stone. Next time I got home, her dad was there. God knows how long he was waiting there for me. He took me for a walk and told me how it was going to be. I didn't have it in me to talk back." John saw the tears in Evangeline's eyes, and he didn't understand. He wanted to hold her but thought better of it. "That same day I bought a ring and told him I'd take care of his girl."
Evangeline was confused, hurt, and angry. Caitlyn was supposed to be his soulmate. Now it sounded like this was just a shotgun wedding. If he was being honest now, that meant that he'd intentionally misled her before.
"Couple of days later I had everything planned out. Nice dinner at her favorite restaurant and then a walk in her favorite park. She kept trying to tell me something, but I told her everything else could wait until tomorrow. Then it was my big moment. I remember getting down on one knee and she was crying. Not like tears of joy though." John's eyes were sad now. He'd sworn that he would take this secret to the grave for her sake. Now he was revealing it for his own personal gain. He hated his selfish motivation.
"I don't understand."
"She wasn't pregnant. It was a false positive. Then all of a sudden, I'm relieved. This was my chance to make things right." John leaned back in the chair and stared blankly away from Evangeline. "Cate tells me that she understands if I was only asking because the baby. She said didn't want to force me into it."
Evangeline couldn't hold back anymore. She grabbed John's arm and brought his attention back to her. "Didn't you love her, John?"
"No," John said simply. He expected the tortured look on Evangeline's face. He'd never told anyone he loved Caitlyn. People knew about their relationship and drew their own conclusions. He just didn't bother to correct anyone. Caitlyn died for his sake, so he wouldn't do now what he couldn't do then. "Only, I didn't have it in me to tell her. You thought I was closed off before. I was maybe ten times worse back then. So, what's a guy to do? Admit his feelings for his own sake or keep living a lie for someone else's? Cate was beautiful, loving, supportive. In a way, I was like one of her kids that she worked so hard with. She was trying so hard to break that shell, but she never did get in."
Evangeline was trying to focus on him, but her mind was everywhere else. If he didn't love Caitlyn, who was the love of his life, or, rather, had he ever been in love before. Was his comparing Natalie to Caitlyn an admission that he never loved her? That couldn't be true because he'd said those words to her.
"I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell her the truth, so I slipped the ring on her finger. That was it for me. That was my life. I knew we'd be okay together. I'd keep her safe and she'd keep me grounded." John focused on Evangeline's arm that was still resting on his.
Despite having questions, Evangeline held back. "Thank you for sharing with me." Evangeline wiped away the tears that formed at the corner of her eye.
"Ain't always easy for me, but I am trying." John couldn't help but think about how their relationship would have turned out if he'd told Evangeline this before the breakup. Maybe she'd understand his reasons for want to save Natalie from herself. Even if she understood, she wouldn't have put up with it even if she knew the truth. "Part of me kept thinking that keeping Natalie safe was my way of making up for what happened to Caitlyn. I know it's screwed up."
"No, I understand." That she understood only broke her heart more. His admission meant that he would take care of this baby because he didn't want the child he created with Caitlyn. She always pushed him for honesty, but she couldn't have imagined the consequences. His candor only made him more of an enigma. "I know I didn't do you any favors, hiding the pregnancy. It took away your right to tell me how you really felt before it was too late for anything to be done."
"No, no, no. I don't have any regrets about our child. I want this baby. I'm happy about this baby." John was quick to reassure Evangeline, but he could tell she was skeptical. "This doesn't have anything to do with redemption. I'm scared now and I was scared then, only for different reasons. As much as I can be, I'm ready to meet our baby. Even if I could, I wouldn't undo this. I know I'm not the guy you dreamed of sharing this moment with, but we're stuck now. You and me forever."
Evangeline smiled weakly. John wanted her to believe he was happy, but she still wasn't convinced. He probably hadn't intended it like it sounded, but he used the word stuck. Maybe he thought she trapped him on purpose, and he was just making the best out of a bad situation. Not that it mattered. The baby was due in less than a month. If John couldn't love their baby, she would be devastated, but at least now she'd understand.