Evangeline pulled in the driveway and was surprised that John arrived before she did. Him being off this early meant that he'd went in to work early as well. He'd used that tactic before. She'd pick a movie that he wasn't interested, and he'd fall asleep in the middle. She'd get annoyed, and he'd reminder that he was only tired because he'd went in so early. "That is not going to work today, McBain."
Evangeline had to turn down both Layla and Nora to keep this date with John, so he would have to suffer through her chosen movie. "Wait, this is not a date." Evangeline spoke to herself as she retrieved her briefcase from the back seat. She made it a habit to put it right beside the car seat, so that she would not ever have to worry about leaving James in the back seat.
John was there waiting with James as she entered the front door. John had done something that had him smiling. It made it look like James was excited to see her. She could get used to this. "Hey guys!"
"Welcome home, mommy." John held out their son to her.
John's voice warmed her all over. It was another reminder of long it had been for her. They conceived James around this time last year, and that had been it for her. She had to be careful not to fall in bed with John to scratch an itch, even if she knew it would feel good. "You got here early. What time did you go in to work?"
Evangeline cuddled James in her arms. It was almost five thirty, so she would go ahead and feed him now. Then he'd have plenty of time to digest before she put him down for a nap. She pulled open the curtains in the sitting room before settling into her favorite chair.
"Not too early. I got in around seven." John knew she was on to his old tricks. "Don't worry. I'm good for tonight." He winked at her and watched as she settled in. She had a standard routine for nursing, and it was interesting for John to watch. She followed the instructions from the lactation expert nearly to the letter. James' pediatrician said her efforts were responsible for his stellar weight gain. He was plump with round cheeks and his pediatrician was convinced that Evangeline should give nursing lessons to other new mothers.
"I'm going to hold you to it. There's going to be a quiz at the end." Evangeline winked at him as he frowned. She kicked her purse to let him know the DVD was in there. John's frown grew as he pulled the offending DVD out. "It's a modern take on a classic."
"When I said a crappy movie, I meant cheesy." John tossed it on the table and shook his head.
"I'm just trying to make sure you have plenty of conversation for your Monday night pool game with the boys." Evangeline smiled down at James but tried not to jostle him. "We know all of daddy's little secrets."
"Oh really?" John leaned back into the sofa and tossed his arm over the back. "I'll bet you don't know that I'm undefeated. This keeps up and daddy's going to be able to send you to an Ivy League school."
"I've been meaning to ask. What's with the newfound camaraderie? Did Bo initiate some junior-senior officer bonding time?" Evangeline poked fun at him. John had always kept to himself and chose to avoid the casual interactions with his coworkers.
"Just trying something new." John kicked his shoes off and put one foot up on the table. "You know, it's actually easier to be social than antisocial. A lot more enjoyable too." He volunteered more information that she was expecting.
"I've heard it's having a real positive effect on the department's quality of work. You keep this up and you'll be in line for another commendation." It was during an awards dinner where John was specially recognized for superior effort where they shared their first kiss.
"Well it was my single-handed efforts that got Cerrutti and Halston to start taking home their gym clothes before they started growing fur. I should be asking for a raise." John had to smile. The friendships he made were still new, but they gave him something that he didn't realize he missed. They understood the frustrations of the job and were good to commiserate with. Talking with them was a good way to blow off steam or get fresh perspective on a case. He was a little sad that he'd missed out on these interactions for so long.
"There's the truth. So, you're in it for the money. McBain, you should have stuck with the bureau if you were looking for a big-time payday." Evangeline noticed that James had lost interest in her breast. He'd eaten his fill. "I'm going to change him and then put him down."
"I'll be here waiting." John loaded the DVD into the disc player even though he knew they wouldn't be watching it. He'd give Evangeline a choice, and hopefully she'd be more interested in what he had to offer. He picked up a pizza on the way over, and it was warming in the oven. While she was upstairs, he got the food ready.
Evangeline was working on teaching James to fall asleep independently, so she wasn't gone for long. John noticed the photo album in her hand. She'd taken the bait. "McBain, you have got some explaining to do." Evangeline held the book out for him to see since their plates were on top of the table. She sat down close to him on the sofa. "Is this something your mom sent over?"
Blushing, John smiled. "I asked her too, yeah. I saw the photo book of you up there and figured it'd be nice if James had some photos of his old man too." John signaled that it was okay for her to hold onto the book.
"Really? I can put this up somewhere away from prying eyes. Otherwise, I'm sure you're going to get asked more than just a few questions." Evangeline tapped the photo on the front. John was dressed up like and elf and looked absolutely adorable. She couldn't imagine what his mother and father had done to convince him to dress up. John had described himself as a punk kid.
"We can put it away after tonight, but for tonight, if you have any questions, you can ask away." John looked at her warily. "There is a catch, though."
Evangeline was willing to agree no matter what it was. "Fine, what's the catch?" She'd humor him at the least.
"I will only tell you about that one photo. The rest we can talk about later." John pointed to the photo on the cover. The book was filled with pictures, but none were as important as this one.
"No fair. There's got to be a hundred photos in here. I want to hear about all of it." Evangeline flipped quickly through the book. There were other photos that she was interested in talking about more.
"Everything else is just every day stuff. This one is important, and it's a long story. I doubt we'd have time to talk about all of them. We probably won't even have time to watch the movie." John's elbows rested on his knees and he dropped his head into his palms.
"John, you planned this. That is so dirty." Evangeline wondered if his explanation would be as simplistic as the birthday photo Michael got him last year. The photo wasn't as import as the conversation it inspired. In the end, she'd done most of the talking and then she fell asleep.
"You love to talk. I thought for once you'd like to sit and listen." John pinched her thigh playfully.
Evangeline shook her head. "A new talkative John McBain who has recently become a social butterfly and is willing to open up about his past. What has gotten into you?" Evangeline swatted his hand away.
"Therapy." John leaned back again and ran his hands through his hair.
Evangeline stared at him with wide eyes of disbelief. "You mean with Crosby? I thought he cleared you a long time ago."
"He did. I had one mandatory session. The rest were my choice." John stroked the long hair that rested on her shoulder. She would be too curious not to ask.
"Oh, I'm definitely interested now. For get the movie. I want details. Why would you willingly agree to therapy if Bo wasn't mandating?" Evangeline grabbed her plate from the table. She hoped that keeping her mouthful would allow him to speak freely without her interruptions.
John shrugged his shoulders. He wished he had a beer right now, but he'd wanted to be completely sober for this moment. "I was half-ready to tell Bo and Crosby where they could stick the job and therapy. That was the night I stopped by your place. I was ready to say goodbye then."
"Wow," Evangeline couldn't hold her interjection. Then she remembered that night. It seemed so long ago now, but that was when she told him she was pregnant. "Then you found out about the baby."
John nodded once. "Then all of a sudden I couldn't afford to go burning bridges and leaving town. I knew I had to get my shit together, or you'd hold onto your promise. I was pissed then." John skipped over the angry conversation he'd had with his lawyer. "By the time I saw Crosby, I realized that you weren't trying to keep James from me. Screwed up as it was, you were trying to make sure I'd be there for him."
"I'm sorry about that, John. I should have handled that in a better way. You deserved to know right away." Evangeline touched his arm tenderly.
He took her plate and tossed it on the table. Then he wrapped his hands around hers. "Don't apologize for that. That was just as much my fault as it was yours. If I had been able to express myself like a normal person, I would have found out the same night we brought you back home. Then I let myself get caught up in a bunch of stuff that complicated things for you. It comes back to me making bad decisions because I couldn't say what needed to be said."
Evangeline looked down at her hands in his. It felt good to hear him admitting his own mistakes. "I've already forgiven you for that."
"I knew you would. That's just who you are. No matter what you always do the right thing. You put your own feelings aside for the sake of others. You're amazing. Not like I had some revelation about it, but it got me thinking about myself. I knew you were going to be this super mom that our child would love. Me? Probably not so much."
"You have always been quick to sell yourself short, John." Evangeline pulled on hand from his and punched him lightly on the shoulder. "I thought you might be a little distracted by work and other things, but I never once doubted that you would be a great father."
"You mean if I was around, right?" John pulled her in close and draped his arm around her. "I gotta admit that I would agree with that. First thought that popped into my mind was that I needed to be okay with you falling in love with some other guy and him being there for our kid. Like James would have been better off if I wasn't around."
Evangeline leaned her head against him. "But something changed that."
"It didn't feel like I hit rock bottom, but maybe I had. I wanted to get to know our son. I wanted to be a great dad. Without James, I'm not sure I ever would have wanted it, but I wanted to be better for myself as well." John still felt silly saying it out loud. However, he was happy with the man he was becoming.
"I'm glad, John. You are so worth it." Evangeline was sad that she wasn't able to help him, but he'd gotten there anyway. Cutting some toxic people out of his life was probably painful, but necessary. John had been struggling to find his voice for a long time, and now he'd finally found it. Evangeline handed him the old photobook that she brought down from upstairs. She pulled out the single photo he was willing to talk about and flipped it over. "John's last smile '77" was written on the back.
John looked over at it and chuckled. He looked ridiculous. "I know I mentioned before that I was a tough kid growing up in Atlantic City, but that wasn't until after my dad died. I was actually quite the crybaby. In a way, I was probably a lot like you. A little goody two-shoes who always followed the rules. I was also a snitch, which, if you can imagine, didn't always go over so well. The other kids hated me and never wanted me around. That meant I got picked on a lot."
"Is that why you learned how to box?" Once upon a time, John had taught Evangeline a few things about boxing. She wasn't much interested in the sport because it was so brutal and bloody. He also taught her about football. At least in football, they wore pads and helmets, so it didn't look like they were trying to kill each other.
"Yeah. It was from some advice that one of his buddies had given him. He wanted to toughen me up, so that I could fight my own battles. I think he was embarrassed at how sensitive I was. He blamed my mom for being so soft on me. I'd cry and she'd let me have my way, and I cried all the time." John sighed and shifted to a more comfortable position.
"After one session, I asked my dad if learning how to fight would make the other kids respect me. That was a hard no. Then I asked who people respected the most in the world, because that's who I wanted to be when I grew up. Then everyone would have to be nice to me." His childlike logic had been flawed because he didn't have a firm grasp on the real world. The life of an American president was not a cakewalk.
"And he told you it was the president? Not a bad choice." She admired his father's creativity. He encouraged John to reach for the stars and it wasn't in a forceful way.
"Yep, and he told me the first thing I needed to work on was being shy. The president had to be able to talk to people from different walks of life. Big crowds and small crowds. If I did it right, when I'm talking others will listen. He also told me I needed to learn to listen. That's how I'd find out how to get people to like me. I'm ten, so I have no idea how to work on my public speaking skills. I was an altar boy, but it's not like you get to say anything while you're up there. Just so happens that the school was having auditions for the Christmas play. I wanted to be Santa, but I messed up my lines in the audition." John could still remember what it felt like being up on stage. He was nervous, but it was exciting. All eyes were on him, and when he was speaking everyone had to listen. That confirmed what his father said to be true.
"I was a little less insufferable then. I was excited about the play and I made friends with the other kids after school during practice. I could tell my dad was proud. So, naturally, I wanted him to be front and center during my big performance. We had two performances. One during the day for grandparents and stuff. One in the evening for parents and other family. Dad missed the first one because of work, but he was certain to be at the next show. My grandfather and uncle were bragging on me, and he wanted to see his boy in action. My mom took this picture after that first show."
Evangeline listened intently. She'd met John's cousin Shannon before she left town, but John didn't talk about his extended family. She assumed they were estranged, dead, or didn't exist. Then she met some of his family at her baby shower and was surprised to find out how large the McBain clan was. Eve's family was also from Jersey, so he had lots of family that he just never talked about.
"So, the big day arrives, and I'm all dressed up in my costume. I'm ready to head out. I heard my parents arguing, but it wasn't anything crazy. I didn't think much of it. A little later my dad comes to find me. Someone called off from their shift, and he was going to fill in for them. I threw an absolute fit. It wasn't like it was a Broadway production. It was an hour-long production that he didn't even need to stay the whole time for. I told him my part was in the beginning and begged him to come see me and go to work afterwards. It was probably the worst time to give your kid a speech about duty and honor, but he tried anyway."
The moments of that day replayed in John's mind constantly. His anger. His frustration. His disappointment. They were all still very real. The truth about his father's motives came out later, but that only made John feel worse. "I didn't know at the time, but he took the extra overtime because things had been tight. He loaned money to a friend and he hadn't repaid him. It was the only way he could afford a nice Christmas for me and Mike."
She didn't share it, but her father had a similar experience. Without telling Lisa, he lent money to family and they were slow to pay it back. He ended up having to work on Christmas Eve to make sure she and Layla had one gift they really wanted under the tree.
"He felt terrible and tried to come up with some solutions. He talked to my grandmother and she was going to get the other grandkids together and we would do our own production on Christmas Day. Nothing would satisfy me, though. At some point, he just decided to make it up to me. He promised."
"I'm sorry, Johnny. I've got to head back to work." Thomas McBain slid his cap back on. He hated to let his son down, but he didn't have any other choice. He'd rather see John upset today than John and Michael both upset on Christmas morning. "I promise I'm going to make this up to you." He started to ruffle the hair on top of John's head.
Angrily, John slapped his hand away. He'd never been this angry before. "You promised that you were going to come tonight, but that was a lie. You're probably lying right now too."
Thomas wearily looked over at his wife. John was a that tender transition age. This meant a lot to him, and maybe he'd made the wrong choice. It was too late now. He couldn't just not show up for his shift, and there was no one else that he could call on such short notice. "I would never lie to you on purpose, son."
"That's crap. That's bull crap. You always break your word. All you ever do is work. You don't every spend time with us." John snatched his elf hat of and threw it on the floor. He'd practiced so hard for his father, and he wouldn't even get to see him in action.
Thomas could understand his frustration. The little boy who understood that his father had to go out and protect the world from bad guys was now a preteen that only understood that his father wasn't there as much as other kids' dads. "We've talked about this before. There's a lot of bad people out there. I do my job to protect people. I do it to protect you and your mom and your brother. I do it so people don't get hurt." Thomas reached out to touch John's shoulder, but he jerked away.
"Son, I love you. I know you are mad, but we will talk about this in the morning when I get home." He looked down at John, who was getting taller every day. He would have to find a way to spend more time with him. "I'm going to head out, but I've got to hear you say it first." The house rule was never leave without saying 'Goodbye and I love you.' Thomas knew if he could get John to say that much things would be okay.
"No. I'm not going to say it." John looked up at him with his arms down at his sides. His hands were clenched into tight fists. "I hate you."
The words stunned Thomas. For some parents, those words wouldn't have wounded, but not for Thomas. He worked hard to build a loving home for his family. John's words made him feel like a failure.
"I hate you," John repeated his words seeing the hurt that it caused his father, "and I don't care if you never come back." John ran off to his room before Thomas could respond.
Evangeline was frozen in place, holding her breath. She could feel Thomas's pain. Those were words she never dreamed of saying to her parents. She yelled at Layla and forced her to apologize when Layla blurted out the words during an argument with Lisa. To her, saying those words wasn't fighting fair.
Evangeline had gotten so lost in thought it took her a while to realize that John had stopped talking. He was breathing steadily through his nose, and she could feel his body trembling. He was trying not to cry. She tried to turn and look at him, but he held her in place. "John," she gently urged him. He loosened his hold, and she turned to face him. His face was stained with tears. He wiped them away quickly.
"He never came back. He was shot in the line of duty later that night. I never got to apologize. I never got the chance to say good bye," John barely choked it out before he was full on sobbing.
Evangeline pulled him into her arms and held on to him tightly. The mystery of John McBain had finally been unraveled. Instead of choosing to honor his father's memory by never making the mistake of not telling someone he loved them, he chose to withhold those words the same way he'd done with his father. In his mind it probably made sense, by withholding love from others he pushed them away. He never allowed himself to love and didn't want to be loved either. It was endless torture that he thought he deserved.
This was a time when silence was needed, and Evangeline was respectful of that. She held John, rocking him gently and stroking his hair. He cried for a long while, and even after he was finished he clung to her. It was like he was afraid to let go. Evangeline had lost track of time until she heard James crying through the baby monitor. It was time for his 8:30 feeding. She didn't want to push John away, but he was still holding onto her. The sound of her baby's unanswered cries made her breasts ache. "John, I'll be right back. Let me go feed him and get him settled back in."
John wiped his face and avoided her eyes. "Let me take care of him. I just want to hold him right now."
"Are you sure?" She watched him nod before he headed upstairs. She could finally release the sigh that she'd been holding in. It was no wonder that he was so resistant to opening up in the past. It was very likely that he even blamed himself for Thomas's death by saying that he hoped his father never came back. Evangeline was actually glad that John was able to verbalize the truth from the help of a qualified professional. Who knows what would have happened if she was successful in her forceful efforts.
Evangeline cleaned up the dinner that was barely touched. She put it away in the fridge for later before starting her pumping session. She needed something to keep her mind busy. She knew John always talked to James when he was with him and was dying to know what he was talking about now. Out of respect for his privacy, she held back.
When she was finished pumping, she went ahead and turned off the outside lights and locked all the doors. Then she returned to the den to wait for John. His eyes were still puffy when he returned, and he was sort of smiling.
"And to think that I did all of this to get out of watching some chick flick." John joked to lighten the mood. Breaking down like that was not what he wanted, but he was glad that Evangeline was there to support him.
"To think that you did all this, and I'm still going to make you watch that chick flick later." Evangeline countered his joke. She patted the seat beside her. Instead he sat on the table in front of her. It annoyed her, but she'd let it slide for now. "John, I can understand why you shut down like you did. Saying those words and then having them come true was probably like a nightmare come true. It wasn't your fault though."
John nodded that he understood. "Losing my dad was hell. Then my mom shut down and it was like I lost her too. That just amplified my pain by like a million. She had never worked outside the home and Mike was so young. We had family, but she kept them all away. She did it all on her own 'cause she didn't want anyone to see her pain."
Evangeline scooted forward on the sofa and leaned in so that her forehead was resting against his. From meeting Eve, she could tell that she was as reserved as John was. Michael had only escaped the family curse because he was too young to appreciate his father's death and when he was old he left for boarding school.
"That next Christmas after dad died mom was still in a bad way. The anniversary of his death and the holiday being right there together was too much for her. In the past, we were always with his family or hers for a big family get together. Lots of family. Lots of kids. Lots of fun. Mom had slowly started to distance herself from more and more family, but I was actually excited to see everyone again. It finally felt like I had a reason to smile again." John ran his hands through Evangeline's hair.
"I asked mom about it and she shut me down pretty quick. She said it would be too much for me and Mike to be around all those happy kids with their dads and know that we didn't have ours. She said that it would hurt her too much to see us in that much pain. We were supposed to have our own family fun day, but instead we spent a depressing Christmas in the diner where she worked. It was an all you can eat junk food buffet, but that got old really quick. Only loners and truckers spent their time in diners on Christmas. Even those pathetic souls felt sorry for us. Bad as that Christmas was, I begged my mom to let us go to the family party next year. She agreed, but when the time came she had some reason why we couldn't go. We never went to another family Christmas together."
"I can't imagine the hurt that she was going through. It was probably easier to hide her pain than to deal with it. She probably felt like she didn't have time to fall apart. Grief is a process that you have to work through." Evangeline held back from saying anymore. She didn't want to say anything disparaging against Eve. Losing a husband and being left to raise children alone was a pain that Evangeline couldn't fathom.
"She did the best she could. I don't blame her for how I turned out." John didn't blame her, but he was still a little bitter that Mike was allowed to escape. John was left do deal with his pain, his mother's pain, and the mounting household bills. It was far too much and too soon for a boy his age. "Looking back, I've learned from her mistakes. It just took me a long time to put the pieces together."
"I'm proud of you, John. I'm so proud of you." Evangeline leaned in slowly and kissed him softly on the lips.
John returned her kiss, but kept his hands folded over the edge of the table. He wanted her. He'd always wanted her, but he didn't want to overwhelm her with his desires. It was Evangeline that was the aggressor. She kissed him hungrily and ripped at his shirt as her kisses moved down the side of his face. In an instant, she stole away all of John's resistance.
When he did move, he grabbed her hands to stop her from undressing him. He stood up slowly and pulled her up with him. Then he pulled her in slowly for a kiss. He missed her, but he didn't want to take her like some desperate, horny teenager. Bending just enough to pick her up, he scooped her into his arms. He knew his way around well enough that he didn't have to stop kissing her as he walked her up the stairs to her bedroom. He left the door open to make sure they would hear when James woke up. Then he laid her down gently on the bed and looked at her lovingly.
Evangeline saw the raw desire in his eyes and felt a little nervous. If she knew the evening was going to turn out this way, she would have put on some lingerie. The thought of him seeing her after all this time made her waver.
"Do you know how beautiful you are?" John unbuttoned his shirt the rest of the way before letting it fall to the floor. The he pulled his undershirt over his head and tossed it down on the floor.
Evangeline was glad that her blush would not show on her face. All that working outside had tanned John nicely. It improved his physique as well. "You're not so bad yourself, McBain." Evangeline leaned back waiting for him to join. He pulled out a metal mint tin from his pocket and tossed it on the bed. She could guess that there weren't mints in there. "Conniving and confident. I like it."
"Mhm," John stripped down to his underwear and then joined her on the bed. He thumbed the hem of her shirt wondering if she was ready to go through with this. "Do you know that I love you?" John kissed her as he pushed her down into the mattress. "That I'm in love with you?" He kissed her again before she could respond.
Her whole body was on fire and she was ready. Often they got caught up in the moment, and they would start out hard and fast. They would both finish quickly and then later they would take things slowly. This time he started out slow. The tension and anticipation had her nearly at the edge. "I love you, John. I love you."
When she'd spoken the magic words, he was on top of her in an instant. He had her again, and he didn't plan on letting go.
A/N: Oh my. Does this mean a happily ever after is in sight? Thanks for reading.