John woke with a loud yawn and a long stretch. "Good morning," John's voice was still hoarse. He looked up at Evangeline who was feeding their son. She looked absolutely beautiful in the early morning light. "How long have you been up?" Sleepily, John sat up and kissed her on the side of her neck.
"Quite a while sleepy head." Evangeline didn't sleep deeply anymore. James wasn't old enough to sleep through the night, so she was used to waking up at every few hours throughout the night to keep him fed. "It's nine now. I've been up since seven, so that we can keep this little guy on his schedule." The schedule was grueling, but her body was now familiar with the routine. She would be glad when he was finally able to sleep for a continuous six to eight hours.
John frowned. He never slept in. He'd exhausted himself last night. His and Evangeline's late-night love session was interrupted at 1am by James. In the time it took Evangeline to feed him and get him back to sleep, John fell asleep. He didn't even remember her getting up in the middle of the night for any of the other scheduled feedings. "Sorry about that." He kissed her again and stroked James's leg. "I didn't think I was that tired."
"Sure, sure. I see how it is now. We make love and you pass out afterwards leaving me to deal with the baby. I see you have fully embraced your role as a father." Evangeline nudged him playfully. He had completely satisfied her last night. She would have passed out too, but her body was on James's schedule.
"Fine, next time we go all night and I'll take care of James in between." John took him from her arms to burp him. "I can't go ruining my reputation." John kissed his baby boy and rested him against his chest.
Evangeline smiled nervously. "So, I guess this means we should talk. About us that is." Evangeline flipped her hair over her shoulder and leaned back against the headboard. She'd taken John back into her bed and now she had to deal with the consequences.
"Pretty simple from me." John patted James's back and looked over at Evangeline. "Last night was all that there was. There's nothing hold me back from being the man you deserve. I want to be with you."
"I want to be with you, too." Evangeline stroked the top of her son's head. "But," she stopped when John let out a frustrated sigh.
"No buts, Evangeline. We love each other. There is no reason that we can't be together. There's nothing else standing in our way." John was forced to keep his voice low. He didn't want to upset James.
"I'm happy that you finally opened up to me. Finally hearing those words from you was like a dream come true. Unfortunately, I don't think it's as simple as saying we're in love. It's not an automatic fix for all the things that went wrong between us." Her timing couldn't have been worse. He wasn't even allowed to bask in the afterglow before she sobered him with her view of their relationship.
"I didn't say that it was." James burped out loud and then smiled. He was fed, and now he wanted to play. His parents, however, were distracted with adult talk. John laid him down carefully on the bed between his legs. "We can be together and work through all the rest of it as we go."
"I agree. I just don't want us to make the same mistakes as we did last time." Evangeline smiled that he was at least on the same page as her. She watched as James wiggled his arms and kicked his legs.
"We won't, okay." John kissed her quickly and turned his attention back to James. He had a report that he had to finish today, so he wouldn't see his boy again until close to bedtime.
"Then, you won't mind if I say that we need to take sex off the table." Evangeline touched his arm to grab his attention. The crestfallen look on his face was almost too much to bear. "Just for the time being while we're tying to work things out and figure out what we both want to get out of this relationship."
John let out a long, slow and steady breath. If this was Evangeline's idea of a joke, he wasn't amused. He studied her face and knew that she was absolutely serious. "You're serious?"
"Of course I am." Evangeline's phone rang out and interrupted them. She reached over to the nightstand and saw a familiar number. "It's Antonio calling from Capricorn. I need to take this." She slipped out of bed and didn't bother with her robe as she exited the room.
"Looks like we're going to have to cut this visit a little short, bud." John grabbed some pillows and arranged them around James. He wanted to make sure he couldn't try to roll away. He walked around the room gathering his clothes, and then dressed quickly. When he was finished, he sat down on the bed and smiled down at James. "I promise to be here to tuck you in tonight. No matter what happens between me and your mom, I'll always be here for you." John tickled him lightly and made him smile.
"False alarm. That was just Layla reminding me of our brunch date." Evangeline noted that he was now fully dressed. She ran her hands through her hair and thought about what she should say to bring him on board. "John, listen," she walked over to the bed and sat down at the foot of the bed.
"I think it's best if you listen first." John kissed his son and stroked his soft curly hair. "This is not a game for me. This time around the stakes are higher. We screw this up and not just us that suffers. It's James too. I thought long and hard about us, and I wouldn't be here if I didn't think we had a shot. But you, you've obviously got some big reservations. What does banning sex do for us? Nothing. It's just another fight waiting to happen."
"Banning sex means that we don't just fall in bed every time we have an argument. We work things out together and we're closer because of it." Evangeline was upset that he characterized it as a game. She'd had her heart broken once, and she wasn't looking for a repeat. "This isn't a game."
"I can't just put my feelings on a shelf and wait until you're ready. I want a house. I want kids. I want a dog. I want a wife. If you don't know what I mean, then it's you who's not ready for a relationship. We can't be together, and this time it's on you." John averted her eyes. He didn't want to see the pain in her eyes that was his own. He loved her, but he had to make a stand.
Evangeline was stunned into silence. He was breaking up with her if you could call it that. They weren't technically together. The only thing that was clear was the he rejected her idea and was choosing to walk away.
John waited for her to say anything. Five minutes passed and then ten. They weren't going to get anywhere right now. "I'll be back tonight to tuck James in. I'm willing to listen if you want to talk." John stroked his son's head again before he left. He was supposed to feel empowered, but he felt like crap. His heart wanted to unconditionally accept her offer, but his brain would not allow him to make that mistake. He hoped that she would reconsider.
Evangeline rubbed at her temples and squeezed her eyes shut. She'd pulled herself together enough to keep her brunch date with Layla, but she wasn't there mentally. Layla was talking a mile a minute. She didn't even need Evangeline to keep the conversation going.
"Hello? Vange? Were you even listening?" Layla snapped her fingers in front of Evangeline's face.
"No, I'm sorry. I spaced out." Evangeline looked over a James in his carrier car seat. At least he was able to sleep through Layla's ranting. "What were you saying?" Evangeline sipped her water. She was trying to focus, but she couldn't get John's words out of her head.
"Well I was talking about me and Cris, but now I'm curious about what's going on with you. You look totally bummed out. Is everything okay?" Layla followed her eyes to James in his car seat. "Didn't get enough sleep last night?" Layla was not envious of her sister. She wasn't watching Jamie anymore since Jessica was back, but she knew it was hard caring for a kid. Jamie was pretty independent for a toddler, but she still required constant supervision. The nonstop care of a baby was something that she didn't have the patience for.
"I slept fine." Better than fine, actually. John had satisfied her completely and it wasn't her body that was weary. "I just kind of had a thing with John. We had a disagreement."
"Oh?" Layla picked at her salad and waited for her sister to explain.
"We actually had a breakthrough. John told me that he loved me, and we talked about why he wasn't able to say it before. He really opened up to me." Evangeline took small bites of her salad. "It was great."
"That sounds completely amazing, so why do you look sad? How did things go wrong?" Layla was always direct with Evangeline. Her sister tried to be evasive, but Layla knew how to deal with most of her tricks.
"Things went great. He spent the night and we made love and then I screwed it all up." Evangeline put her hand to her forehead. John wasn't the only one with issues. It was just that his issues were easier to recognize. "I told him that, if we were going to be together, we should practice abstinence."
Layla thought for a moment to make sure she heard her sister. She couldn't help but to laugh out loud. "Let me get this straight. You and John had an amazing night together. He's opened up to you now and ready to be the man you wanted. To reward him, you slam on the brakes and insist on basically torturing the guy."
"My gosh, Layla, you make is sound like that's all we are to each other. I don't think my request was that out of line." Evangeline frowned as her sister continued to laugh.
"Yes, you do think it's out of line. That's why you're all pouty now. You're only saying that because you want to argue. You need to be honest with yourself." Layla was glad that she was getting the gossip first hand. Unfortunately, this was not something she could share with her mother. One, her mother was rightfully not interested in Evangeline's sex life. Two, her mother hated John. She would not be rooting for a reunion.
"I am being honest," Evangeline leaned in close to Layla. They were in a public place and she didn't want everyone to know her business. "Sex is not what defined my relationship with John."
"If it wasn't before, it is now. Why are you trying to sabotage your relationship with John? You always do this whenever a guy gets too close." Layla had first hand knowledge of Evangeline's destructive tendencies. There hadn't been a lot of guys that she was serious about, but each relationship ended in heartache. Of all the guys, she liked John the most. He was honest and not just trying to impress the family.
Evangeline leaned back in her chair and sighed. Layla was right. "I don't know why, Layla. Something is wrong with me, and maybe I don't know what it is." Evangeline picked at her lunch knowing that she needed to eat it, but she really didn't have an appetite. She wanted to fix things with John, but she wasn't exactly sure how to go about it.
"Bull, you know exactly why. You just don't want to admit it." Layla watched as Evangeline's face soured into a scowl. "You are my sister and I love you. You never lie to me when I come to you for advice, and I'm doing the same with you."
Evangeline hated that her sister was so good at calling her out. She had to remember to stop underestimating her sister's ability to understand her. She really wanted her mother's input, but her mother would not give her fair advice. "Look, I know it's last minute, but could you watch James tonight?"
"Are you going to talk to John or are you just going to be home alone beating yourself up?" Layla looked at her thoughtfully.
"A little bit of both if things don't go well." Evangeline bit down on her bottom lip nervously.
John sipped his beer and tried to focus on the task at hand. He wasn't one to get distracted often, but his pleasurable night and stressful morning with Evangeline made that difficult. The way he left things had put a damper on his whole day. The truth might have set him free, but it hadn't given him what he wanted; not exactly. Evangeline was willing to be with him, but she was, again, adding unnecessary restrictions on what they were and weren't allowed to feel for each other. In the past, he'd let it go, because he couldn't confront her about her issues and ignore his own. Now, his issues had been resolved, but wishing that was all that stood in their way was just a wish.
"Just a second." John rolled his eyes. He wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone. Beer in hand, he walked to the door and pulled it open. He almost choked at the sight of Evangeline.
"Hey, is this a bad time." She quickly registered the surprise on his face. "I know I should have called first."
"No, no. It's fine." John wasn't getting much work done anyway. At least if she was here, they would finally get things straightened out, and he wouldn't have to keep asking himself what he should have done differently. "Come in." John pulled the door open wide and then shook his head. He had paperwork strewn everywhere.
"Big case?" Evangeline surveyed the mess. She called it a mess, but John had a method to his madness. She averted her eyes in case it was something that might have to do with a case she was working.
"Always." John looked around to see what he could move out of the way. Everything was laid out in a way that made sense to him, and if he started moving things around now it would take longer to finish his report.
"You're busy, right? I can just come back later." Evangeline hated that she was interrupting him. That was her excuse. If they didn't talk now, she still had time to change her mind.
"Uh, you can stick around if you want. You're just going to have to hangout in the bedroom. I've got my system all set up, so it shouldn't take me more than an hour." After this morning, John knew not to try anything funny. The last thing he wanted was for her to think he was just trying to reconcile for sex.
"Do you mind if I pump for a bit?" Evangeline held up her oversized bag. She hadn't intended on using it so soon, but she carried always carried it with her. At least this way she'd have something to focus on while he was finishing up work.
"Go right ahead." John dropped his head and watched her as she walked to the bedroom. It had been a very long time since she'd been in his apartment, and even longer since she'd been in his bedroom. It had been the day before their breakup. He'd made love to her the night before and enjoyed holding her in the morning. She urged him to stay with her longer, but he was obsessed with the KCK case. He left her with a quick kiss. In the days, weeks, and months after their breakup, he was haunted by all the missed opportunities he had to spend with her. Now, they were here again, and it didn't want to relive that old heartache.
Knowing that he needed to finish his work, John focused on the task at hand. He was just packing the last of the files back into their box when a knock at the door interrupted the quiet. John checked his watch and knew it was probably Halston. He swung the door open for him and ushered him inside.
"Boss, thanks for helping me out on this one." Halston stuffed his hands down into his pocket and rocked back and forth on his heels. He'd been to John's apartment more than once, but never felt comfortable. Inside John's room was nice, but the hotel wasn't anything fancy. He always wondered why his boss chose to live in a crappy place like this.
"No problem." John held the box out to his junior officer, but he didn't take it. John followed his eyes and saw him looking at Evangeline in the bedroom. She'd fallen asleep not long after she finished pumping. John had almost forgotten she was there. "See something you like?" John pushed the box into his chest.
Halston was now wearing a wide grin. He took the box from John and held it at waist level. "One of these days you're going to tell me your secret." John had been much friendlier these past few months, and Halston was glad for it. Most officers were. John was still intense, but he let his hair down and would even come for drinks and other social events that he used to ignore.
"What secret would that be?" John picked up his open beer and sipped it slowly. He looked over again at Evangeline. He could only hope this night turned out well for him.
"Like you don't know. Come Monday night I want details." Halston wouldn't linger any longer. He knew better than to wear out his welcome.
"You close that serial robbery case this weekend and come Monday I'll show you pictures." John winked at him with a serious grin on his face. Before he could speak, John pushed him out the door and closed it behind him.
Still wearing a boyish grin, he turned to the bedroom to check on Evangeline. His eyes were wide with shock when he saw her standing in the doorway. "Hey..," he didn't have a way to recover from what he'd just suggested.
"Was that Michael?" Evangeline yawned and stretched. She didn't normally nap this late in the day, but it had rejuvenated her. She looked at John carefully. He looked guilty. "Everything okay?"
"Better than okay." John smiled quickly. She hadn't overheard him after all. "That was just Halston picking up some paperwork."
Evangeline nodded and walked over to the sofa. She was still a little tired, but now that she was awake she wouldn't fall back to sleep. She sat down on the middle sofa cushion, so that John would have to sit near her. She looked up at him expectantly. He was completely casual today wearing jeans and a ratty old t-shirt. She hated that she'd gotten them both off to a bad start this morning. "So, I guess I should get right to it."
John sighed and sat down beside her. Evangeline was often direct when she was nervous. Her mood wasn't exactly comforting to him. John crossed one leg over the other and swung one arm behind the sofa. "Yeah. I guess we should get to it." He smiled and tried to ease her nerves.
"Look, I'm sorry about this morning. I'm not trying to give you a hard time. I want to be with you, but this is hard for me." Evangeline's brow wrinkled as she blurted out her words. "I have never loved anyone as much as I've loved you. This is new and scary for me."
John was smiling on the inside. "It's new for me too. Maybe I'm just not afraid this time because I know I'm not going to screw this up. When I said I loved you, I meant it. I'm in love with you. I want us to be together."
"Then please understand that I'm not trying to sabotage us." Evangeline smiled at his words. She leaned in and placed one hand on his knee.
"I'm not so sure about that." John looked down at her hand on his leg. He wanted to comfort her, but he couldn't give her an easy out. He couldn't just forgive and forget what she'd said. She had an issue with wanting to be in control, and they needed to address that before they could move forward. "You always want to be in control, and that's not what love is about. Love is about trust. You know? Having faith that the person you chose to be with isn't going to do anything that's going to hurt you."
Evangeline didn't want to say that she was afraid he would hurt her again. He should understand from what they'd already been through. More than that, she was afraid that he shouldn't trust her. Deep down inside she felt like she was selfish. She'd hurt others, Dennis and RJ, and she didn't want t hurt John too.
"I know that I'm going to have to regain your trust. These past few months I was proving it to myself. Learning that it's okay if I'm not always the hero. Learning that I can't save people from themselves. Now, somehow I've got to show you that I'm here for you. You are my priority. Our family is what matters most to me." With his free hand he stroked the loose hairs that rested on her shoulders.
"It's not just about me trusting you, John. You should be worried about trusting me. Maybe I'm a little better now, but I've done terrible things. I've hurt people who cared about me. Their pain wasn't my responsibility, so I just moved on. I've left some broken hearts along the way." Evangeline wouldn't detail her whole romantic history from start to finish, but she knew there were important things that needed to be said.
"Please don't tell me we're talking about Gannon." John sipped his beer and set it down on the table. Evangeline was still with RJ when they shared their first kiss and the first time they slept together. Monogamy might not have been discussed between them, but later it was apparent that RJ expected it. He'd went as far as having Evangeline stalked, and John was sure he was responsible for two thugs beating him up. RJ was a violent man, and John was glad she was away from him.
"Not exclusively, no. My failed relationship with RJ was just a symptom of a larger problem." Evangeline looked down not wanting to meet his eyes. "I'm the problem, John."
"How do you figure?" Despite himself, John grabbed her by the waist and pulled her on top of him so that she was straddling him and sitting on his knees. Then he put his hand under her chin and tilted her head upward. "RJ was a control freak. How is that on you?"
"John, I lied to him. I betrayed him, and when it didn't work out I blamed him." John wasn't wrong about RJ. He was always jealous of Evangeline spending time with other men. He'd never physically abused her, but his anger at her talking to or spending time with male friends, colleagues and even clients was a telltale sign. If she hadn't gotten out when she did, she knew things would escalate. "I should have ended it with him long before I met you."
John had to think for a few moments about what she was telling him. "Is this a thing for you? Have you ever cheated before?"
Evangeline's face was hot was anger. "No! What happened between us wasn't planned. I never wanted to hurt anyone."
John held her hands in his, so that she wouldn't try to escape. "Ok. So, tell me what this is all about. Why should I be worried about trusting you? Are you planning on hurting me? " The pain of their breakup had been terrible for John, but Evangeline was kidnapped not long after and he had the KCK case to distract him from his pain. As bad as that was, finding out about her secret pregnancy was almost more than he could bear."
"I don't want to, but I'm afraid I will. It's hard for me to talk about. Mostly because I don't want to." Evangeline smiled weakly at him. He'd said similar words to her when he was trying to sort out what exactly it was that he felt for her.
"Growing up, I was never good enough. I definitely wasn't white enough, and a lot of the time I wasn't black enough." Evangeline's parents had sacrificed so much to send her and Layla to the best schools. That meant they had to live in the right district which was predominantly white. The kids were mostly nice, but their families didn't want her around. The interactions she had with black kids her age weren't any better. She "talked white" and did "white people stuff" so kids made fun of her.
John swallowed the lump in his throat. Anyone that thought that Evangeline grew up living this perfect life didn't realize or chose to ignore the struggles of black Americans. In his job, John saw racism in all forms, but it never made much sense to him. Now, he was the father of a child who would grow up as a person of color and knew that someday his son would likely face the same prejudices as his mother. It hurt John's heart that he wouldn't be able to protect his son form the ignorance of others.
"I never felt good enough and I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I just got damn good at pretending. I was always trying to prove something to someone. When I went to college, I found myself, or at least I thought I had. It was less about who you were and more about where you were going. I met a guy and fell in love. He was everything I was supposed to want in a husband. Driven. Successful. All that good stuff. We were both racing to the top to make our parents proud."
"You and Dennis were together that long?" John couldn't imagine that their relationship had lasted for nearly a decade.
"No. Dennis was just Charles Marshall 2.0. Charlie never did anything unless it was going to further his career or put him in contact with people who could help to further his career. Looking back, I'm not sure there was anything genuine about him. We butted heads a lot because I'd want to go party and he was too concerned about who would see us and what they would think. Everything was always done with that thought in mind."
"And this was your dream guy?" John tried to lighten the mood when he saw the sad look on Evangeline's face. He never got the full story about Dennis, and he was never in a position to ask.
"This was my family's dream guy for me. I wanted to make them happy." Evangeline still regretted the years she wasted on him. "Everyone except for my dad. He was polite, but he pulled me aside and told me I needed to find a man that would make me happy. At the time, I had no idea what he was talking about. He probably would have said the same about Dennis too."
John wondered what her father would have thought about him. He didn't have big aspirations or dreams. Until he met Evangeline, he was just living for the next big case. Evangeline made him want more.
"So, senior year rolls around and we're applying to grad school. We were planning a future, so we decided on our top three schools and applied together." Evangeline caught John rolling his eyes. "We were 21 and dumb. What did we know?" Evangeline moved so that both of her legs were across John's and she could lay against his chest.
"Let me guess. He didn't get into your top choice and you did." John rubbed her back. This story was not unique to her and had been the reason for many breakups.
"Actually, we both got in to all three, but, without talking to him, I applied to a fourth and got in. To him, it was a total betrayal. He thought I wanted to leave him. I mean, why else would I apply to a school that I didn't plan on attending. So, we get into this huge fight on the way to his parents' house. I actually felt terrible for doing it behind his back, but I never intended on going to school there." Evangeline played with the hem of John's shirt sleeve.
"Instead of celebrating, we were both quiet and sad. He disappeared with his parents for a while and I didn't mind. I called my mom and dad to tell them my good news. Dad was proud. Mom, not so much. She got onto me about hurting Charles. She was so upset that I was endangering my future just to satisfy my own curiosity. My parents were split up at this time, so my dad didn't hear my mother's scolding. After talking to her, I was ready to apologize."
John was glad Evangeline couldn't see the look on his face. He was sure that Evangeline's mother was a nice person, but she was a crappy parent from his viewpoint. She should have pushed Evangeline to find out why she'd applied elsewhere and encouraged her to follow her dreams. Instead, she'd pushed her to stay with a man to protect her career prospects.
"Charles was ready to talk to, so we took a drive. There was a long quiet because I hadn't quite figured out how I would fix things. I didn't even get the chance. He pulled up to the bus station and told me that I was selfish. He was upset that he'd wasted so much time molding me to be his wife. Apparently, his mother never thought I was good enough, but he promised her he'd get me in line like I needed to be. This last thing was just the straw that broke the camel's back."
John wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. "You were too good for him."
"Tell that to my broken heart. I was crushed and embarrassed. I had never been rejected like that before. On the longest bus ride home, I made peace with his decision, or so I thought. My family was disappointed, but I moved on. I went to Yale Law School and I didn't look back until I met Dennis. Dennis was a version of Charles that I could control. It's why we didn't make it. I loved him, but deep down inside I knew I'd never be happy with him. We could live this fantastic life, but what good would it be if I was miserable. It wasn't fair to him, and it wouldn't have been fair to our children. Eventually, I had to accept that I dated Dennis to prove to myself that I was good enough to be the woman that Charles rejected. I just didn't want to be her."
"Mhm, so instead, you wanted to be a hotshot lawyer in a small town that dates all the deadbeats." John joked.
Evangeline pushed off his chest and looked into his eyes. "I dated RJ for the same reason I defended Mitch Lawrence. I wanted to live my life and not care about what people would say. This was my first big step towards being who I wanted and not what my parents expected. Being with you was not in the plan."
"I figured." John couldn't hide the hurt in his eyes. He knew he wasn't good enough for her.
"You're probably figuring wrong." She kissed him softly on the lips. "From the moment I first met you, I was intrigued. I wanted to know more. I know I didn't show it, but that first kiss sent me into a tailspin. Staying with RJ was how I planned on keeping you at arm's length. That only made my attraction to you grow more. I wanted you more, and once I finally had you I knew that you were dangerous. You made me dream of a life I'd given up on."
John stroked her face and pulled her back to his chest. The hungry look in her eyes left him wanting more. Too bad sex was off the menu.
"That you had issues made me think I could stay in control. I say let's keep it casual, and you agree. Let's ban talk about marriage, and you're on board. I say let's not fall in love, and you cosign it. Every step of the way, I was trying to let my brain and heart sync up. I loved you so deeply that I was afraid I was losing myself. When we were finally over, I tried so hard to get over you and I couldn't. It wasn't just the pregnancy. John, I loved you so much, and it hurt so bad that you weren't the man that I needed."
"But I'm here now." He kissed the top of her head. "You are the one getting in the way. You are the one saying no sex. I have to wonder what's next. I could before, but I can't do that anymore, Evangeline. I can't stop myself from loving you, and I don't want to. Maybe it's not going to be easy. Okay, we fight. We argue. We learn how to understand each other even better. Before, you were always on me about expressing myself and telling you what I feel. Talking about feelings wasn't me, but showing you was something I could do. Sex was just the most enjoyable way for me to do that. I'm sorry that I made you feel like I was just in it for that, because I've never had a relationship that's made me feel more alive. You made me dream about a life I'd given up on too."
Evangeline regretted her earlier words. Denying him sex was really denying herself. They were great in bed, and that was because they were so well matched. She loved him and that's why she couldn't let him go.
"I'd be a pretty crap detective if I couldn't find the pattern here. You start putting up walls when and imposing restrictions when you're uncertain." He wouldn't say scared because he didn't want to upset her. John had noticed this early on, but he couldn't ever call her on it.
"I'm scared of us, John. I want to be with you." Evangeline still struggled with the right words. She wasn't raised to settle into a normal life, but it's all she wanted. "I want us to build a life together…I want to be your wife."
"We both want the same thing. I don't see a problem here, but I'm guessing there's more to it than that."
"I'm afraid we'll settle into this normal life, and I'm afraid I'll get bored. I don't want to resent you or our life. I'm just scared of my own ambitions. It's like I feel like I'll never be content."
"Guess now is as good a time as any to tell you that I want like seven kids." John paused for her reaction.
She looked at him amused until she realized he was serious. "Seven?" Evangeline had a hard enough time adjusting to a schedule with James. Without multiples, she frowned at the thought of being pregnant for a total of 54 more months. "You can't be serious."
John shrugged. "I've always liked the idea of having a big family. Lots of noise. Lots of chaos. Makes me nervous a little with you, though. Bunch of little bookworms studying quietly in their rooms." She slapped his chest playfully. "Our life doesn't have to be boring. Normal does not have to mean boring. Ultimately, it's up to us to keep things interesting. I've known from day one that you were ambitious, and it still doesn't scare me. End of the day, I want a wife that knows that our family comes first. I can handle everything else, so don't stop dreaming big. I will always support you.'
Evangeline sighed. She'd put them through a whole ordeal for nothing. All she had to do was talk to him about her fears, and he would have understood. She wiped away her tears before they could fall. "So, right now you must think I'm a total idiot."
"Right now, I think I'm in love with you. Right now, I want to make love to you, and then I want to go kiss our son goodnight." John bumped his forehead against hers.
"John, I love you so much. I just don't ever want to lose you again." Evangeline wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly.
"I love you too." John knew there was an easier way for them to have dealt with this issue, but he was glad things had been resolved. Her restriction on sex wasn't just about her being afraid. As awkward as it sounded, she was also trying to tell him how important communication was for them.
For tonight, John would hold her and they would talk through their fears and dreams. He would make sure that they would come away with a newfound understanding of each other. Today was the start of their second chance.
Author's Note: This chapter was hard to write for some reason. I may revise it later, but maybe not. The next chapter will probably be the last. Thanks for your patience