Chapter 9 - What Happened Here?

The next morning, Donna slowly pried her eyes open and took a short look at her surroundings. For a moment she was confused to not see her familiar furniture, and also the bed she had just woken up in didn't feel like the one she was used to. But then she slowly began to remember where she was and what had happened.

She noticed an arm - his right arm - wrapped around her waist, and she felt his trained chest in her back, sensing how it moved up and down in a steady rhythm and feeling his heart pounding against his ribcage. Against her back.

Then she bit her bottom lip and tried to suppress a smile. She had noticed how close she was pulled to him and how tight - but not uncomfortably - his hand on her stomach pressed her even closer to him. She felt his warm breath brushing the crook of her neck and a not unpleasant shiver ran down her spine.

She could sense the heat radiating from his body, and she wasn't cold although she didn't have a blanket. 'Not anymore,' she reminded herself, this time allowing her lips to form a small smile. She remembered him draping his blanket over them the night before, so either one of them had tossed it on the floor somewhen or he had claimed it for himself during the night.

The next thing Donna turned her focus to was the sound of his even breathing, which she had to admit had a calming effect on her.

A part of her brain yelled at her to run away from him immediately. To pretend that nothing had happened, like she had done the first time they had shared a bed.

But this time she didn't want to pretend anymore. After everything that had happened between them before, she didn't want to run away. At least not now, she wanted to stay a bit longer, enjoying and remembering everything about this moment. Because it could possibly be the first and simultaneously last time they ever did this.

She hadn't moved since she had woken up - mainly because she didn't want to wake him, but also because she knew she couldn't go anywhere with him holding her so close to his body. And he didn't seem to want to let go of her. So she stayed in his warm and almost protecting embrace until after a few minutes she felt him stir behind her.

His leg that was resting on top of hers - the one that was basically hooked around hers and held her in place - moved down, skin brushing against skin and leaving a trail of fire, and she felt him lay it on the mattress, just behind her own.

She held her breath and suddenly felt unsure about everything. Her heart rate accelerated a little and her thoughts began to circulate at high speed.

She didn't know how Harvey would react to all of this. Though she usually was quite good at predicting what other people thought and what they're going to do. But with him it was different. Sometimes she had the feeling that she could see through him, but then again he surprised her and caught her off her guard.

When she felt his hand loosen the grip on her waist a little she figured that they had to confront this situation anyway, so she decided to gently turn around to face him. Her heart kept thumping as if it wanted to jump out of her chest, and when she finally met his look it sort of skipped a beat.

They gazed into each other's eyes for a bit, until he finally broke the silence.

"Hey," his voice was still a little hoarse, like it usually was right after he woke up in the morning.

"Hey," she bashfully smiled at him.

They stayed silent for while again, with their eyes still locked. Neither of them was sure how to address their current unfamiliar situation. It wasn't like they hadn't woken up in one bed together before, but last time they were spared the talk about it.
And right now they both didn't want to say or do anything wrong, so they didn't dare to make a sound and just stayed lost in their respective thoughts a little longer before she eventually cleared her throat to say something.

"Listen," she began, not really knowing how to tell him what she was about to tell him, "I'm sorry for yesterday. I shouldn't have -"

"Shh," he softly cut in with his low and still a little raspy voice, lifting his hand to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear. He took the opportunity to let his fingers graze her cheek and linger a bit longer on her skin. "You don't have to apologize for anything. I've told you before, I'm always there for you. Anytime you need me." He gave her a reassuring and warm smile, looking her straight into the eyes. Then he let his eyes roam over her face, and only moments later his hand lightly stroke over her cheek again.

She blushed and dropped her gaze, not knowing how to respond to that. But he just put his finger under her chin and made her look back into his eyes again. He wanted to add something else but after he had opened his mouth he forgot what he had wanted to tell her.
He just saw her green-brown eyes and got lost in those shiny orbs, then he shifted his look to her lips. Harvey repeated the motion of his eyes a few times and then felt how his head unwittingly leaned a bit forward, towards her.

She saw him inch closer, only a bit but it was still notable for her. One of his hands was now cupping her face, and she swallowed at the thought of what would probably happen in the next few seconds.
Not that she didn't also want this - she did, and damn, she would never admit to anyone how desperately she did - but she was afraid of how this would change everything.

She knew that them sleeping in one bed - again - had already changed a lot, not to mention all the other things they had said and. But it still wasn't as much as this would affect everything. Them.

But despite all her concerns and qualms, she also felt herself move towards him. It was like some gravity drew them together, and they both couldn't help it or fight it - also they didn't want to fight it. Not anymore.

Their faces were only inches apart, their breaths already mingled and she had her eyes almost shut when all of a sudden they heard a loud knock from the door that interrupted them in their moment. That sound caused them both to cringe and move away from each other.

"Hey, Harvey." Mike's muffled voice sounded from the other side of the door. "Have you seen Donna? The door to her room was open and she isn't in there or the bathroom or anywhere else in the apartment, and she didn't leave a message. I'm kinda worried, she has never left like that before, and Rachel also doesn't know where she is."

The man standing in front of Harvey's room had absolutely no idea what was going on the other side of the door. Harvey ran his hand through his hair to compensate his nervousness. He watched Donna out of the corner of his eyes and saw her mirror his movement.

He wanted to say something but his throat felt constricted and he could only breath heavily. He watched her turn away from him and get out of his bed. This wasn't how this morning was supposed to turn out. Not at all.

Not that he had imagined anything specific, but this was definitely not part of his expectation.

'Don't leave. Please. Don't.'

He wasn't sure if he was talking out loud or only thinking it, but given the lack of her reaction he assumed that the desperate voice had only sounded inside his head.
He wanted nothing more than those words spilling out of him, but they didn't. They kept being caged in his mind, repeating themselves on and on.

His friend on the other side of the door, waiting for a response, had already drifted to the back of his mind. He just wanted her to not run away already. He knew he should do something but it was like all of his muscles were paralyzed and he couldn't even move a finger.

He watched Donna walk towards the door, stopping shortly before she reached it and turning her head to face him one last time. She looked at him without saying a word, but her eyes spoke volumes. He could see the silent apology in her eyes, and his whole body tensed up because he didn't want her to apologize for something that wasn't even her fault.

He wanted to tell her that. Wanted to assure her everything was alright. He just wanted to do something to comfort her.

But before he could do anything, she already opened the door and faced a speechless Mike who was standing in front of it. She didn't even bother to say anything, she only gave him a hasty glance before she passed by him and disappeared in her own room, closing the door behind her with a slam.

Mike was still tongue-tied and slowly turned his head towards Harvey, who was still lying in his bed, resting his weight on his elbows. The latter's gaze focused on something behind his friend who was still standing at the door. That something being the front of the closed door of Donna's room.

After a few more seconds Mike eventually managed to stammer a few words. "Did you -"

"No!" Harvey proclaimed with a hint of anger and annoyance in his voice, throwing death stares at his friend. He knew what he was implying, and at another time he probably would have just rolled his eyes and ignored him, being slightly pissed by the comment.
But right now Harvey wasn't really angry at Mike. He was mad at himself, that he had let her go so easily. He would have wanted to say so many things but he just didn't know how. He has never been great with words.

He negligently threw his blanket aside, pushed himself up and got out of bed. He rushed by Mike, not daring to look in his eyes. He wasn't ready to have a conversation at this very moment.

Having no idea yet where to go, only knowing he couldn't stay inside his own room any second longer he was glad that he had decided to sleep in sweat pants and a T-shirt. He had to get out of there. Preferably even the apartment, because right now all he needed was some distance and time for himself to process everything. To think about it. Or not think about it. Either way, to clear his head again.

And what better way to do exactly that than going for a run, overstraining his whole body and letting the pain of sore muscles cover everything else he was feeling at the moment?

—

When he got back to the apartment, completely maxed out, he was glad that everyone appeared to be in their respective rooms or even somewhere out and he therefore didn't have to face anyone right away. Since he was especially determined to avoid one certain person.

After a shower and change of clothes he decided to go back to his room. He didn't want to call it hiding from everyone but if he was being honest with himself he was doing exactly that.

Sitting in his bed, leaning against the wall and head tilted back, he was lost in his thoughts when he heard a knock on his door. He snapped out of his thoughts and tensed up. Remembering who had knocked on his the door the last few times he froze, swallowed and considered not answering at all for a few moments.

But then he figured that he couldn't escape it anyway so he cleared his throat and forced a croaky "Come in." out. His body didn't seem to have it in it to talk properly right now, but he still tried to fight that. He hated not being in control of anything, no matter if it was a situation, a decision or his own body.

The door slowly opened with a small squeak and images of copper hair showing up in his doorframe flooded through Harvey's mind.
But instead of the expected red locks the person peaking through the constantly widening door crack had much more ruffled - and also much shorter - blonde hair. And a pair of familiar blue eyes.

A wave of relieve - stronger than he was ever willing to admit, even to himself - washed through Harvey at the sight of his friend, and he wasn't sure if the sigh that had suddenly built up inside him came out loud or if he had been able to suppress it soon enough. But if he was honest with himself, that was the tiniest of his problems right now. Because he was pretty sure that Mike didn't just randomly drop by to chit-chat.

"You busy?" the younger blonde carefully asked. Though he was fully aware that his friend didn't seem to have been doing anything else in the past few minutes than sitting on his bed and staring at the wall - maybe the ceiling - he still asked because he didn't know how else to start the conversation.

Harvey snorted quietly and shortly closed his eyes, a weak smile appearing on his face. "Does it look like I'm busy?" Though he was physically and also mentally drained and exhausted, and he knew that Mike had to notice that at least partially, he tried to keep up some of his usual dry sense of humor.

"Uhm..." Mike wasn't sure how or if to reply to that question.

"You don't have to answer that," Harvey chuckled, lips curling up a little more, "we both know that I'm not."

They fell in a short silence for a moment. Harvey wasn't really in the mood to keep the conversation going, and since Mike came to him he waited for his friend to finally start with the intent he came to see him.
In the meantime, Mike was trying to find the right way to start his apology. The reason he came to his friend's room in the first place.

"Hey, man, listen," Mike began eventually, "I'm sorry for... what happened this morning. I didn't mean to -"

"It's okay," Harvey cut in, clenching his jaw for a split second, a stern expression flickering in his eyes for a moment, "it's not like it's your fault."

A weak smile scurried over Mike's face. He knew that technically it wasn't his fault, but that didn't mean that he didn't still feel a bit bad about it. "So we're good?" His voice sounded hopefully and already cheerfully, almost teasingly again. But there was still a hint of hesitance and uncertainty in it. He wasn't sure if all of the waves between them had already been calmed.

Only now Harvey turned his head towards his friend, shortly pressing his lips together to eventually let the corners of his mouth turn up. "Yeah Mike, we're good."

One could almost see the relieve passing through the younger's body, and his eyes lit up a little. Then he paused for a second, remembering there was something else he initially wanted to ask. He was aware that this wasn't his place to ask because it essentially wasn't any of his business. But they both were his friends, so after a few moments of hesitation he cleared his throat and began to talk again. "And you and Do-"

"Stop right there." That came out harsher than Harvey initially had intended to but in that moment he couldn't feel really sorry for that. Sending his friend a warning glare in addition, he stood up from his chair, ready to leave. He obviously had enough of this conversation.

"But I was just wondering if -"

"Mike!" This time Harvey also raised his voice to emphasize his statement, an angrier expression than before setting on his face. "I really don't want to talk about it."

The addressed let out a small sigh and raised his hands apologetically, signaling his defeat. "Okay, okay," he appeased but with a slight bitterness in his voice, "I'll stop. Forget that I ever asked." After another short pause he added, "Oh and by the way, Rachel and I are going to stay with her parents over the weekend. I thought maybe you should know that you're alone with her this weekend. Just... just try to not kill each other, okay? I mean I don't know what's going on between the two of you, but please at least try to act like you're actual mature human beings."

With that he turned around and left Harvey's room. Leaving it's owner standing in the middle of it, unable to speak or move. When he finally woke from his rigidity again, he closed his eyes, exhaled deeply and ran his hands over his face. Only then the meaning of his friend's words began to sink. He was going to be alone with Donna for the weekend.

He knew that usually this shouldn't be much of a problem but due to their current situation it could get a little complicated. Given the fact that they haven't spoken to each other - well, not even seen each other - since that morning because they were kind of avoiding each other's presence. At least that's what Harvey was willing to admit to himself, he couldn't speak for Donna but he realized that she also wasn't too eager to speak with him.

And now they had whole three days ahead of them. Alone with each other in the apartment. With no Mike or Rachel there as buffer between them.

But maybe that was also a good thing. Harvey was aware that sooner or later they'd have to talk about it, they couldn't just ignore what happened - better said almost happened - between them forever. So probably a weekend without any distractions was a good opportunity to sort things out between them.

He let out an audible sigh and tried to shake off an unfamiliar heavy feeling in his stomach, a bitter sadness. Because despite how much he actually wanted to sort things out with Donna, he was afraid what that would mean for them. How it would leave them. How they would continue - or end their dynamics.

Even though he still didn't quite know himself what he wanted, although he was still afraid to admit to himself what and how he felt, and no matter how much he hated the vague and uncertain state they were currently in. Nothing would hurt him more than hearing from her that she wants to set an definite end to... this. Their situation. Their... relationship.

Thinking about that, a slight panic grew in him, spreading through his veins and clinging his heart like an ice-cold hand. He felt his breath hitch and tried to calm down a little. But in that very moment he just wasn't able to.
Because given how their last encounter had ended, he was more than afraid this was the most plausible outcome of the scenario. And he didn't want to lose her. Only the thought of not having her in his life anymore terrified him more than he was able to admit.

—

The remaining days until Friday went by without any incidents, and both Donna and Harvey managed to avoid each other until that day. The communication in their apartment only went through Mike and Rachel, and they were kind enough to not say anything about that slightly awkward situation at the moment.

When the couple left, Mike called for Harvey one last time - with Donna not yet home there was no risk that Harvey would run into her at that time - the younger blonde made his farewells for the weekend, but not without giving his friend a meaningful glance. "You have to do something about it. Whether you like it or not," he told Harvey insistently. He only responded by nodding shortly, with a weak and faint smile on his face, while he opened the door for his two roommates.

Already outside, Mike turned around one last time and added, "And it's better to do it sooner than later."

At his words Harvey swallowed shortly, and then slowly closed the door behind his two friends. He knew that Mike was right. With all of what he had told him only minutes ago. And also earlier that week, when he came to apologize for that morning. The morning that was the cause for these somewhat complicated circumstances.

But if he was being honest with himself, that wasn't the whole truth. That wasn't the beginning of this whole mess, it was only one of many factors. There were so many other things that happened between them, small ones and bigger ones, and all those memories and experiences added up to what they were now.

They had become friends over the time. He had to concede that this friendship with her was different than all the others he had ever had in his life, had been different right from the very beginning. Still, that didn't change the fact that they had become close friends. Sometimes they had probably even been more than that for a few moments.

But now he just had no idea anymore what they were.

—

A few hours later, he stepped out of his room, lost in his thoughts and not paying full attention to his surroundings, on his way to the kitchen to get a glass of water and stretch his legs a little after sitting in his room almost the whole evening. All of a sudden he heard a familiar noise and his head shot up in surprise, caught off guard. He watched the door opposite his own open like in slow motion, revealing the person behind it.

Donna's wince when she saw him was almost imperceptible but Harvey still noticed. By now he'd notice almost everything that has anything to do with her, because he had gotten used to paying a lot of his attention to her.

They just stood there for a few seconds too long to let this be a normal surprised encounter, before they realized how close they accidentally ended up. They both took a small step backwards to bring some distance between them before one of them found their voice again.

"H-hey," she mumbled coyly, flicking her eyes up to his before she averted her look again. Then she swallowed, waiting for him to say something.
She hadn't reckoned to see him today because she had been trying to avoid him for the last few days - and since she hadn't met him at all she figured that he was avoiding her as well - so now she was more than blindsided by this accidental almost run-in. And by the look on his face, he also hadn't expected this.

His throat bobbed when he swallowed, and then also greeted her with a shy smile. "Hey." His voice and countenance softened immediately after he had overcome the first moments of shock. Despite how much seeing her had taken him by surprise, he was more than happy to finally see her again.

With their gazes still trained on each other they let some seconds lapse away, neither of them moving an inch or saying something.

Then he eventually dared to break the silence, wanted to take the opportunity to have the talk with her. The one he had planned for this weekend anyway. The one he wanted to have. And at the same time was dreading to have, more than anything else in this world.

But he cleared his throat and braced himself for the upcoming interlocution. Or fight, depending how it would turn out. "Listen.. uhm, I know we never had the chance to, uh, talk about what... what happened that morning..."

She chuckled quietly, "Yeah, that's true. But that's probably because you weren't so eager to see me at all." 'Shit,' she thought to herself. Well, damn. That wasn't supposed to sound like that. Like he was the only one to blame. That conversation was already beginning to take a very wrong turn.

He snorted shortly, "Excuse me? You're accusing me of ignoring you? So you're saying this is all my fault?" He raised his voice a bit. "I can't remember you ever coming up to me or trying to speak with me, after you left that morning. I mean, you basically ran away after Mike knocked!"

"I didn't run away!" She tried to recover, but somehow she knew he wouldn't believe her lie.

"Really? So how'd you call it then when someone leaves a situation without saying a word and doesn't even acknowledge it for several days?!" He deadpanned, crooking an eyebrow at her.

"I'm sorry that I might have hurt your feelings - if the mighty Harvey Specter even possesses something like that - but I thought you'd actually prefer never losing a word about this again. I mean, come on! Everyone knows you, Harvey!" she laughed bleakly, ignoring how much it stung in her heart to accusing him of not having any emotions.

A part of her was afraid to continue talking because she was terrified of yelling something in the heat of the moment she doesn't actually mean. Something that would probably hurt him, even more than she already has. But now that everything had started, the words seemed to spill out of her and it looked like she couldn't stop them. "You're not exactly known for being the sentimental kind of person. Or for being relationship or boyfriend material."

Her last sentence slipped out before she even realized and for a split second she froze, afraid that she had said or revealed to much. But thankfully for Donna he seemed to ignore it and just continued.

"Oh thanks," he scorned dryly. Her statement hit him hard, it hurt more than he would ever reveal to the outside. But he tried to ignore the pain, not wanting to show her how much she affected him. "So I'm only good enough when you just happen to decide you could need me? Like that evening for example?"

"That's not -" Her voice broke off and she couldn't finish her sentence. Maybe she had been wrong before. Maybe she wasn't ready for this discussion - or whatever the hell it was they were currently having.

"That's not what? Fair?" He spat out and laughed dryly. "Do you think it feels fair to me that you seem to have such a high opinion of me?"

The sarcasm dripping in his voice felt like a knife cutting through her flesh. Her eyes began to sting and she tried to ignore the fact that her field of view had begun to blur because of the tears welling up. She didn't see his intense gaze anymore but she could almost feel it burning on her skin.

She didn't want to start crying in front of him. Not again. And especially not during their current argument. So she did the only thing she knew would prevent the tears from falling down: Hiding her hurt behind anger and sarcasm.

"Well, I'm not the one who slept with half of the students running around at the campus." Her snappy comeback was probably a little below the belt line and also harsher than she would normally react, but in that moment she didn't think about that.

His head shot up in astonishment and he frowned. "So that's what this whole thing is about?" Now his voice was surprisingly calm.

He hadn't been aware of the fact that this was what seemed to bother her so much. He hadn't even known that she knew that much about him. About what he now already considered as his past because he wasn't doing that anymore. Not since he had moved in. Not since he had met her.

A few moments passed with neither of them saying anything. She knew that he was waiting for a response, but she didn't answer. She couldn't. She couldn't without admitting something she never wanted to admit. Not to herself. Not to anyone. And especially not to the person this whole thing was about.

But her silence was answer enough for him, she didn't have to phrase the words for him to understand. He took a small step towards her and waited for her to meet his gaze again, then he continued with his soft voice.

"Would you believe me if I told you that I'm not that same person anymore? That I don't care about all the others?"

The air around them seemed to thicken and heat up with every second, adding up to an almost palpable tension. She swallowed under his earnest and firm stare, his raw and honest words making her forget how to breath for a moment.

Then she looked straight back into his eyes and what she saw hit her like a ton of bricks. Nearly black pools that seemed to be filled with heavy emotions and unspoken words. And a vulnerability she had never seen on him before. Not even on anyone else.

She forgot what she was about to say, overwhelmed by what he had just shown her with his eyes, but she found her voice again eventually. With her alarmingly fast heartbeat drumming in her ears she swallowed and responded with a low and raspy "Maybe?"

First of all: Please don't hate me too much for ending with a (kind of) cliffhanger like that. I'd like to hear your thougths!

Next, I want to apologize for me needing that long to continue this fic. You probably think I'm neglecting my story, but I can tell you that I'm not.
I fully intend to finish this fic, but it might take me a while. And I don't know how long it will take me to finish the next chapter, but I hope that all of you who are still here will read it.

Oh, and I know that some time ago I said that there would be around 9 chapters... Well, this was the ninth and it (obviously) wasn't the last one. I don't know yet how many more there will be, at the moment I'd say roughly about 2 to 4? (But please don't strangle me if this number isn't correct, like I said I'm not 100% sure yet where and how long this story will go.)