A/N: Thank you to every one who has stuck with this story, and I appreciate all your comments and suggestions! This was a really tough chapter to write...I hope I have done it justice. Set during Harvey's hearing in episode 8x16.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try
To fix you

Thomas' words had tormented her since he'd left her apartment that morning.

"Who are you to him?"

Donna has a lot of answers to that question.

She's…the person he'd never let anything happen to. The person he calls, at six o'clock in the morning or at midnight, when he needs someone. The person he could never fire. The person his brother calls, if he really needs to reach him. The person who's one of the most amazing women he's ever met, but that doesn't mean…

It doesn't mean, because she isn't his person.

And yet…

"He was about to lay himself down on the train tracks for you."

Because he needs her, she thinks. He always has. "I can't be me, without you." Needs her to keep his life together, and keep the firm together, and keep his fear of abandonment at bay.

"Look, I need you."
"Need?"
"Need."

Yes, Harvey needed her. In all the ways except the way she needed him—with her body, her heart and her soul. Hers was a need so inescapable that sometimes she had closed her eyes while other men made love to her, so she could imagine it was him. It had always been the easiest way of finding release. Someday, she'd always thought, she would meet another man she'd feel that way about.

And then Thomas came along. And she had thought, maybe this could be it.

But he had ended up just like all the ones before. Not Harvey. Not her person.

Thomas had left her this morning without any anger or blame for the things she'd told him, and that only made her feel worse. "Donna, I don't want to waste my time here. But I also don't want to make any rash decisions while you're already going through something so difficult. So why don't you give me a call once this is all over and you've had a chance to think about what you want."

But she wouldn't ever have – couldn't ever have – what she wanted. It was a cruel fate in life, to love a man who will never love you the way you need him to, but she accepts it now. The timing just made it all the more cruel...on the day she'd admitted that she would never be able to cut him out of her, her reckless attempt to do so was going to leave a scar on her heart that would never heal.

She had pushed him to promote her. She had pushed him to share feelings he didn't have. And now she had finally pushed too far. Done something that would push him away from her, maybe for good.

She wonders, deep down, if it had all been too much responsibility, too fast. What was she thinking, acting like she deserved to be a COO? No other law firm would have trusted her with that position. But he had shown faith in her, and given her the chance to show she could live up to it. And now she hadn't been able to do the same for him. The look on his face when he'd said she lost faith in him...it haunted her. Even if it takes the rest of her life, she thinks, she just needs to know that some day she can make up for the pain she caused him.

Her thoughts are becoming too bleak and painful and she needs to escape the darkness of her own mind. She forces herself off the couch and goes to find her phone, having avoided it all afternoon. Two missed calls from Harvey, and one each from Louis and Alex. Seeing the time, she realizes with a start that the hearing must be over. She knows she should call them back—she owes them that, seeing as she's the cause of this mess, but she needs to get herself into a better state of mind before she can take the news. She calls Rachel. No answer. Mike. No answer. Mom. No answer. Growing desperate, she sees another name in her contact list and hesitates. After the way their last conversation ended, she isn't exactly sure if he would make her feel better or worse. But at this point, could it be any worse?

She dials and holds her breath, half hoping that he won't pick up. One…two…three rings…she'll give up after four…and then…"Donna, this is a surprise. What can I do for you?"

"Stan…hi…yes, it's Donna Paulsen. I know that I…don't have an appointment but I just…needed to talk to someone and everyone's at the hearing and…" She stumbles anxiously over the words.

"Donna, it's quite alright. I have a few minutes before my next patient. What is this hearing you mention?"

"It's an ethics hearing for Harvey and he might lose his license and…it's all my fault," she says, her voice breaking with emotion as tears start to well in her eyes.

"I see…I am very sorry to hear that Harvey is in trouble. And if you don't mind me asking, why aren't you there too?"

"I should be…they summoned me to testify but I just couldn't…watch it happen…" And because she had never held up on the stand, and she wouldn't have been able to stop herself from doing something, anything to try and fix it. And just like the last time she'd tried to do that, she would probably only make it worse.

"Well, I cannot say that I agree with your decision to ignore a summons, Donna, but I would like to understand it. Why don't you tell me what happened."

So she tells him everything, about Thomas' deal, and Harvey's client, and her terrible mistake.

There's a long pause when she's finished. She's screwed up so badly, she thinks, that apparently even a therapist can't find the words to tell her it's all going to be okay.

"This is a very difficult situation, Donna. I cannot pretend that there are any easy answers here. But talking through it may help. Why don't you tell me what was going through your mind when you made this decision?"

Alex's words ring in her head. You told him because you love him. "I think I was determined to show…that I could commit to Thomas. That he was my future. But you were right, Stan…there's no future for me with Thomas…or anyone else…" Her face is streaming with tears now but she makes no attempt to wipe them away. It would be a futile endeavor, just like her effort to move on.

"Donna, please listen to me. I was not meaning to suggest that to you at all. I am so sorry if you felt that was my intention."

"No, don't be sorry…I needed to hear it. Maybe if I'd listened then, none of this would have happened…"

"I would say that dwelling on things we cannot change is unlikely to help us cope with decisions we regret. It is more productive to focus on steps we can take to make amends to the people we have hurt. Have you talked to Harvey about all of this?"

"I went to talk to him last night…but then he…he found out about the hearing and…" The sight of him so desperate and broken, hurling his glass against the wall, was etched into her memory in excruciating detail. It may have been the glass shattering into a thousand pieces, but it had felt like her heart. "Stan, he's going to hate me…forever…"

"I am sure he knows that you did not mean to hurt him." He pauses. "Donna, you once gave me very meaningful advice from your personal experience. And now I would like to share some with you. When my client was suing me for malpractice, I asked myself – if it was my fault, how could I live with myself? I had violated my vow to do no harm. This man had lost his job, and perhaps his reputation, because of me. These were very similar feelings to the ones you are having now."

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?" She says desperately.

"Yes. I am getting to the point now. Louis helped me see the larger picture – my overall impact on Craig. Did one mistake undo that? What would his life be like if I had never met him? Perhaps he would have done even worse than this, and accidentally hurt more people, had I not been helping him along the way. We cannot judge our worth by a single action, but rather by the total value our lives have to the people around us. And I know only two people in your life, Donna, but you mean a great deal to both of them."

She's silent for a few moments, considering his words. "I know that I've been there for him…for a long time…I hope one mistake doesn't cancel all of that out, but what if…he doesn't see it that way?"

"I believe Harvey will forgive you," he says gently.

"Maybe if he gets cleared…or if he only gets suspended…but if he gets disbarred, how could I ever ask that of him? This isn't something that you can come back from. If he loses his license, and the firm, I've taken everything from him." And then a horrifying thought enters her mind, and she feels as though all the air has been sucked out of her chest. If he never returned to the firm…and he couldn't get past what she had done…

She might never see him again. And the possibility is so agonizing that she has to push it away, because she feels like she's drowning and there's nothing she can do to hold back the waves from crashing over her.

"Donna, let me be more clear…I believe he will forgive you, no matter what happens today."

"But if I'm the reason he loses everything, how could he ever forget that? Why would he want anything to do with me?"

"Well, keep in mind that people who are so deeply in love often do not take the most rational course of action."

She hasn't slept in two days and her emotions are frayed to the breaking point, and she's sure she's started imagining things. "What…did you just…say?"

"Hmmm?" Stan replies absent-mindedly.

"You just said…in love…" She stutters, her voice half confusion and half wonderment.

"So I did." He sounds almost amused. "In the interest of avoiding an ethics hearing of my own, let me say that I was most certainly referring to you."

She attempt to speak but the only sound that comes out is a cross between a laugh and a sob.

"Donna, I am so sorry, but my next patient has just arrived. Please come in for a session when you can. I will be thinking of you and hoping that everything turns out well."

She hangs up the phone, lost in a momentary daze. But she's rudely jolted back to reality seconds later by loud knocking on her door. Jumping off the couch as though she's been shot, all of her worst fears come suddenly rushing back. In the end, she had avoided the truth for too long, and now, someone had come to force her to accept it.

She whips open the door, and it's him, and she's terrified that he's about to tell her everything is lost. But then she sees the look on his face, and she understands the only truth that matters right now, one that's been there all along. She asks the question with her eyes, and he answers it with his lips on hers.

"Need?"
"Need."