A/N: Thank you again for your lovely comments, I have to admit that I thought this story idea would start to bore people after a while and I'm so glad that doesn't seem to be the case! This chapter is set ~two months after the previous one, hope you enjoy it xx
"Donna, have you seen Harvey?" Alex is standing in the doorway of her office.
"No, not since this morning, why?"
"He's not in his office and I just wanted to let him know that Pfizer cancelled our meeting today. They want us to revise the terms and draw up new paperwork."
He'd been devoting all his time lately to helping Alex with the Pfizer merger, so she's surprised to hear he's away from the office, with his whereabouts unknown to both of them.
"Did you ask Cameron?"
"No, I figured I'd check here first. You know, that man spends almost as much time here as he does in his own office," Alex replies, raising an eyebrow in amusement.
She thinks she should probably be embarrassed by this observation, but all it does it bring a smile to her face. "I'll go ask Cameron," she volunteers.
Of course, Alex could easily ask Harvey's secretary himself, but she would never pass up an excuse to visit her old desk. She might prefer an office to a cubicle, but she still enjoyed reminiscing about those days, especially since they'd been together. She found herself constantly reassessing the interactions and conversations they'd had there; it was as though their entire history together was reflected in a new light now that everything between them was out in the open.
He'd moved in two months ago, and there was something so comforting about having touches of Harvey wherever she went—his suits next to her dresses in the closet, her perfume and his cologne mingling on the bathroom counter, his whiskey collection finding a home in her bar. At first, she'd wondered whether it would be difficult for them, considering they were both adults used to living alone, equally independent and stubborn. And yet their lives had melded together as seamlessly as their bodies did every night.
They hadn't given any thought to finding a new place yet—somehow, her old apartment just felt like their home. And although it stayed unspoken between them, they understood that any idea of starting a family would be on hold while she was waiting to find out about school. Privately, she was hopeful, having scored well on the GMAT, but then she was sure that everyone else applying had too. So she'd tried to put it out of her mind these past few months, and had devoted her newfound free time to Harvey, enjoying the blissful feeling of being everything to each other, after so many years of convincing herself that he would never let anyone into his life in that way.
Her reflections are interrupted by her arrival at his office, and after confirming he isn't there, she approaches his secretary. "Cameron, do you know where Harvey is?"
"He just stepped out, can I…help you, Donna?"
The young man looks up at her nervously. Ever since she had 'fired' the former temp years ago, he'd always seemed slightly intimidated by her, and it had only magnified she he'd found out that she and Harvey were together. Finding it amusing, at times she'd enjoyed using his fear of her to toy with him (Harvey liked to tell her how cruel she was) but today she decides to let him off the hook.
"Alex just wanted to make sure he knew that Pfizer cancelled their meeting this afternoon."
"Yes, they called me too, I let him know it was cancelled before he left."
"Great. Do you know when he'll be back?" They'd both been swamped with work and hadn't seen each other all day, and even though it was silly, she still started to miss him on days like that.
"He said he had an appointment and he'd be back in an hour."
She finds this strange; Harvey wasn't in the habit of referring to his meetings as appointments, and he'd never been keen on doctors, so she was pretty sure it wasn't that kind of appointment. Unless…she bites her lip, not wanting to pry, but… "What kind of appointment?"
"Sorry, I don't have any more details, it's not in his calendar."
"Thanks, Cameron."
She walks away, puzzled. She knows there's one kind of doctor he does visit, but…would Harvey start seeing him again, without telling her? He'd seemed so happy lately, now that they had more time to themselves. If he was struggling with something…why wouldn't he let her in? Insecurity starts to creep into her mind, wondering if it had something to do with her. Knowing she should leave it alone, but needing to reassure herself, she sends him a quick text.
Was just looking for you. Lunch? x
He replies right away. Would love to, but have that meeting at Pfizer. Promise I'll make it up to you tonight… ;)
Her heart sinks. It was one thing to keep it from her, but she can't understand how he could lie—after all, that had been their pledge to each other, when they'd finally opened up about everything they felt that night. No more hiding their feelings; good or bad, they would share it all. They'd always been by each other's sides during their successes and struggles, but now they were able to find solace in each other in a way they never could before.
At least that was how she felt, and how she thought he felt too. But then, they had both been masters at concealing their feelings for so long, and old habits die hard. She's almost back to her office, still lost in the swirl of her own thoughts, when Louis bursts into her consciousness.
"Donna! Just the woman I wanted to see. Productivity report. How's it coming?"
"Wha—oh, good, Louis. Making progress."
"Happy to hear it. You know how important those metrics are for quarter end! Have it on my desk tomorrow morning, OK?" He gives her an encouraging thumbs up and saunters down the hallway.
She plasters an enthusiastic smile on her face in response but as soon as he's out of view she slumps against her office door and closes her eyes. "Ughh."
Annoyed by Louis' typically over-ambitious deadline, she's nevertheless grateful to have something to distract her from worrying about Harvey all afternoon. Immersing herself in her work, she loses track of time completely and is caught off guard when the man himself appears at her door just after seven.
"Hey," he says gently. "Missed you today."
She smiles and returns the greeting, and he comes over and leans on her desk, placing his hand over her own. She scrutinizes his face, looking for signs of tension, but finds nothing.
"You have much more work to do? I'm done for the day."
She heaves a sigh at the stacks of papers sitting on her desk. "Yeah, I'll be here late…Louis wants the productivity report by tomorrow morning and I'm nowhere close to finished…"
His eyebrows furrow in concern and she can tell she's triggered his protective instincts. "If Louis gives you any shit about not having it done, I personally volunteer to tell him to go to hell."
She cocks her head and gives him a soft smile. "Don't you worry about me, I can handle Louis."
"Oh, I know you can. Nobody messes with my girl," he grins. Her heart skips a beat at his response; she still feels light-headed every time he shows her that smile, the one that lights up his eyes and stretches to the very corner of his cheeks. "I'll head home and get us some dinner?" He offers.
She nods gratefully. Hesitant to bring it up, as he seems to be in a good mood, she decides she still needs to know. "How was your…meeting?"
Looking puzzled by her tentative tone, there's a pause before he responds. "I got what I needed," he smiles, reassuringly. Leaning over to kiss her cheek, he squeezes her hand and gets up to leave. "Don't stay too late, OK?"
He's acting like himself, but she just can't shake the feeling that something must be wrong. As he reaches the doorway, she says haltingly, "Harvey…you don't have to tell me about…all your meetings, but if you ever want to…I'm here."
He stops and turns to look at her, his expression inscrutable. "I know, Donna." He looks as if he wants to say something more but then, seeming conflicted, thinks better of it. "See you at home."
As he leaves her office, Harvey runs through their conversation in his mind. Did she know? How? Stupid question, she knew everything. He feels guilty for lying, but he doesn't think he could have stood up to her inquisition if she started questioning him. He'd certainly succumbed to her cross-examinations before.
His visit to Stan had just been something he needed to do, to get over the last hint of fear and uncertainty playing on his mind. And he hadn't wanted her to find out, but he knew he could explain everything, in the end.
Earlier that afternoon, when his meeting had been cancelled, he'd taken the opportunity to call and schedule a last-minute appointment. When he'd arrived, Stan had greeted him warmly, and asked how the last few months had gone for him and Donna.
"Actually, that's why I'm here…thanks for fitting me in on short notice."
A hint of concern crosses Stan's face as he peers over his glasses at his patient. "What is on your mind, Harvey?"
He's silent for a moment, collecting his thoughts. Unsure how to start, he stares at his hands. "I just need to know…you're a therapist. You must see…does it work—marriage? Can it?"
Stan considers him for a moment. "What has triggered these questions for you, Harvey?"
"I want a future with her…more than anything…but what if…" His thought goes unfinished, as he's lost in contemplation.
"I take it that you are struggling with the idea of how marriage would affect your relationship with Donna?"
"They all end," he says in a strangled voice. "I mean, my parents…my brother…Jessica…it never lasts. And it scares the shit of me. How am I supposed to be better than them, when they're the people I'm supposed to look up to?"
"Harvey, I understand it can be difficult to picture a healthy, lasting marriage when these are not the types of examples we have seen ourselves. But I suspect that having seen these marriages fail would in fact help your own have a better chance of success."
"What do you mean?" He says tentatively.
"I mean that you will have learned a great deal about what not to do, and be all the more determined to avoid these mistakes yourself."
He scoffs. "All I learned from them was to not cheat. And that sure as hell isn't a mistake I'm going to make, but there's always something else that can go wrong, right? I mean, there's a million ways to screw things up, and I know that from experience…"
"Harvey, marriage is not about being perfect. You will make mistakes, no matter how hard you try to avoid doing so. But remember that the two of you have already survived situations that would have ended many relationships. And yet, here you are today, still caring for each other just as deeply. In a similar way, mistakes do not doom a marriage to failure, just as it is very possible for marriages to fail due to circumstances that are no one's fault at all."
This isn't what he wants to hear. "But then, how can you make sure that doesn't happen?"
"You can certainly take steps to prevent and address problems, but there are no guarantees. I cannot pretend otherwise. That is simply the way life is."
"Well, if it's just a crapshoot according to you, then what's the point of even trying?" He exclaims in exasperation.
Stan is quiet for a moment. "Harvey, I would remind you that there is nothing requiring you to choose marriage. Really, it is only a piece of paper, a legal document. It does not assure long-term happiness."
Harvey looks at him in confusion. "Why would you say that? Aren't you supposed to be helping me?"
"Yes, and there are different ways to do that. If you have negative feelings associated with the process, perhaps you should not get married. Many couples have fulfilling lives and relationships without taking that step."
He can't understand where Stan's going with this, and he feels unsettled by all the mixed messages. "But what about…committing to a life together? Promising to care for each other, forever?"
"Can't you do that without getting married?"
"I guess, but…" He's getting frustrated, feeling as though his words aren't fully conveying what he wants to say. "Doesn't it…mean something to make a vow to someone? Not being afraid to tell them, in front of the world, that they're…the only person you'll ever love? Isn't that worthwhile?"
Stan smiles. "It is apparent that you think it is worthwhile, despite all the inherent challenges and risks. And if so, you need only to remember this, whenever these concerns enter your mind."
Confusion sets in, followed by clarity. "Wait a second, were you…" He eyes Stan skeptically. "…playing devil's advocate with me?"
The doctor leans back in his chair, looking satisfied. "As you see, it can be a very effective way to expose genuine feelings, Harvey. Because now, neither you nor I have any doubts about yours."