While Ruthie had wanted to spend the three days she promised Lisa Lumby, the situation back at home was getting weirder by the minute. So she headed out by noon after making love with Lisa one last time, around the time Peter was making his breakfast stop. Before she headed out to the airport to take a plane from Stockholm to Boston and a connection to Saint Louis, she asked Lisa if she could get a rain check before Lisa and Brigitte got married.
"Sure, Ruthie," agreed Lisa. "But it has to be no later than eight weeks before the big day, Christmas Eve. My fiancée and I were supposed to be totally off sex with each other or anyone else between the end of Hall Pass this weekend and then, but given these unusual circumstances I think she'll make an exception – and in return I'll let her have one last go with my brother. Whatever happened with them before, they still adore each other and as I've said they still and always will have each other's backs. Given how much patience and love she's given me, I think she's entitled to it. You won't have to fly out to Europe – I'm seeing Mom in mid-October, so we can share a weekend. Presuming of course ..."
"There's no presuming. Peter and I have actually been talking about separation, and we were going to file for divorce by Christmas with the decree granted when school lets out next June; but now that I know and that he knows – it's over, and there's no point extending the pretense. Our kids deserve at least that much. And the truth about both of us."
"I'm sorry, sweetie," said Lisa, touching her hand on Ruthie's cheek.
"It's not your fault. You wanted to seduce me, and I let you have your way with me. I loved it, but I make my bed. But I will see you soon ... really soon. God bless your family, Lise – the whole family."
"Thanks, Ruthie my darling .. and have a safe trip," said Lisa, and kissed Ruthie with a full tongue tripper one last time.
Ruthie went to the airport and asked for a change in layover stop in case she was being followed. She slept all the way home with the help of blinders, save for checking through Customs at Reagan National and changing planes. She needed the rest after several crazy days, as well as to rest up for the inevitable fight with Peter.
Peter in the meantime got back home and was given the silent treatment from his kids. He wasn't surprised – he not only hurt his wife, he hurt James and Heather and betrayed their trust too.
When he had lunch inside the church building with Rod and Shelby, they heaped one angry statement after another about being so reckless and putting not only his marriage on the line but also the church's reputation. Shelby, in particular, said that she and her husband had so much stress during the previous twenty-four hours they were actually considering resigning and moving their ministry and non official cover to another city to get away from both Peter and Ruthie. But since no one other than a select few knew the truth, they would keep it that way until the latter couple figured things out between themselves.
Ruthie came home on Wednesday night, after spending nearly four hours at a suburban bar a mile from the airport, drinking no less than seven beers of different varieties, and then took a taxi to the edge of town where the church was.
When she walked in, she came face to face with Peter. Immediately, and simultaneously, they said:
"I think we should get a divorce!" Then they said, "I'm sorry!"
They ran into each other's arms, shared a French kiss for fifteen seconds, then hugged each other, sobbing uncontrollably, knowing that they might have kissed for the very last time.
They went into the living room into separate arm chairs sitting across from each other. About a minute later their children came in as well.
"Kids," said Ruthie, "your Dad and I need to talk, alone."
"Oh no, guys," snapped Heather. "You not only screwed your lives, you ruined ours! We have some things to say, but we'll hear you first. All of it."
"You created us," added James, "so we stay here. Suck it up, guys!"
"They've got a point, Ruth," conceded Peter. It was the first time since they first made love thirteen years earlier that he called her Ruth – Ruthie, the name given to her by her parents, was a portmanteau of Ruth, Eric's favorite Biblical character, and Annie.
Ruthie sighed, and pointed them to the couch next to the bar. The twins got their mother a club soda after she said she was hammered enough, and served their father a screwdriver. They got themselves premium juice bottles made by a small volume craft maker on Martha's Vineyard. Heather picked mango, James picked blueberry.
Once the family all sat down, Ruthie got right to the point.
"Peter," she said, "it took a lot of guts for you to put down everything – church business, our kids – to help Felicity. And truth be told, I'm proud you got her back on the air. I'll get to what you and she did in a moment.
"But I have another beef. A big one. On the way back, I checked the credit card charges, and what really got me was all the money you spent on tailor-made outfits and makeup kits for her. You even knew her dimensions without even asking! I can't remember the last time you did that for me.
"Oh, I'm sorry – yes I do remember," Ruthie said sarcastically. "It's when I went down to normal size after I gave birth to James and Heather and you wanted me to look really nice when our children were baptized. They were born – let's see, seven years ago the day after tomorrow, four weeks before you and I won pairs air rifle at the NCAA finals, and they were baptized a year later, by Dad and Lucy – six years back. Since then what you done for me that was even remotely romantic? Valentine's dinner? Please!"
"You're right Ruthie. Absolutely," replied Peter. "I do not justify not going out of my way to make you feel validated as a woman and as a mother. As for the wardrobes ... well, I'll stick by what I told Felicity. I got them mainly because I thought she might only do an emergency broadcast then hit the road while she considered her next step. I wanted to get her the best, plain and simple."
"Well, before I ask you about the 'Main Event', such that it was," said Ruthie, "I have to wonder, did you ever fantasize about having sex with her, before she went underground?"
"Yes," admitted Peter.
"Did you think even remotely that you might have tried to seduce her? Even if you didn't aim for it deliberately? Maybe just on a subconscious level?"
"I thought the odds were a hundred to one when I got to her spread. While we were in initial preparations for the broadcast, it went to ten to one very quickly. When we went on the picnic, I knew we were going to do something to relieve the tension, but I only wanted it to be mutual masturbation. Still, the odds were down to three to one. When she said if she wanted to go all the way – I just went for it. Even thinking about the 'cool jerk' amounted to cheating, and I can never justify it. I never will!"
"Okay, Dad," said Heather, "I know we're supposed to wait our turn, but you always take a box of condoms with you when you and Mom go anywhere, for when you want to do a quickie in the stalls, a broom closet or even out in a park. You left the box on your bed-stand. We checked. Did you forget, or were you actually hoping to knock up Felicity?"
"That, too, is something that will eat me up for as long as I live, honey," said her father. "Yes I did forget them. No, I didn't set out to get Felicity pregnant. I don't even think she is because she took the morning after."
"But it doesn't always work, Dad. If all of a sudden, we are going to have another brother or sister, how are we going to handle Felicity? Do we call her Aunt Felicity? Stepmom? Or – bitch, home wrecker, fifth wheel -"
"I get it!" said Peter. "We'll figure that out when we get there. I hope it doesn't get to that point."
"So," said Ruthie. "Let's talk about the Main Event. Specifics. Be as graphic as you want. We're not going anywhere." She and the twins were now crossing their arms in front of themselves, waiting to hear a screwup talk about the screwing.
For the next hour, Peter went into excruciating and very embarrassing detail about a two and a half hour rendezvous in the great outdoors, following by the seven shorter ones that followed inside the house. He said he would have done even more with Felicity if they were not just a couple of hours from airtime.
Once he was done, he then asked Ruthie about her rendezvous.
"I know what you're asking, so I'll get right to it," said Ruthie in resignation. "I've been bisexual since a year and a half before we first met on a blind study date at Dad's parsonage. I was embarrassed to tell you. And the reason I didn't say anything is related to why I kissed you to wake you up when you napped on the couch. I knew I had found the man I was going to live with for the rest of my life. Or, at least, the next thirteen. When Lisa made her move on me ... well, it took me twenty-four hours to consider it, but I decided to go with what I've always wanted to experiment with. If it was one of Lucy's best friends, all the better - I thought. So, here's what Lisa and I did."
Ruthie then went into explicit detail about her fling with Lisa. Heather and James were disgusted, but they wanted the truth, no matter how explicit.
"Sorry kids," said Ruthie, "but are you sure you want to stay?"
"Yes," said James. "We know what sex is. We've seen porn on TV."
"What?!" asked Peter in shock. "Did you just tell Mom and me that you're into porn?"
"Not the pay per view stuff that's way beyond legal," said Heather. "The hard-core some of the premium movie channels show late at night. Mind you, Jim and I prefer the soft core stuff. At least they have plot lines and the skin scenes are plausible – and the scenes are about romance, not about having sex for no reason at all."
"Kids, you're seven!" said Ruthie angrily. "If Child Protective Services found out, they'd run in and you'd be gone from us, forever! And Dad and I would go to jail! Besides, we set the parental controls on the cable box to block out adult contact – content – well, both ... after all, sex is the world's favorite contact sport!"
"Yeah, the password ... one-two-three-four. Really safe!" laughed James. "Sorry, Mom and Dad. But we have had sleepless nights, have had for months since we knew you were in trouble. We found one channel by accident. And well, we got hooked. But ..."
He looked at his twin.
"We'll never do that again ... at least until we're sixteen," promised Heather. "Besides, it kind of gets boring after a while. For what it's worth, guys – we're surprised you didn't try it, at least the soft stuff, to try to get the spark back. You can't have just four or five ways to have sex."
"We did," said Ruthie and Peter together. Ruthie then said, "Unfortunately kids, we were already beyond the point of reconciliation. And our affairs the last few days, well that was the last straw. So ... well, Dad and I have had a talk, and while we will always be a family and we'll both still live here because you deserve to have both of us, we'll be in separate bedrooms. Starting tonight, and going forward from there. Permanently. And by the end of the year, maybe even sooner if we can agree on how the money's going to be split, we'll be divorced." Ruthie started crying again. "We're so sorry. We never meant to hurt you ... and we know we hurt you even more than Dad and I hurt each other!"
Heather and James started to cry and hugged each other. They knew it was bound to happen. They were hoping it would be a few years down the road, not just a couple of days before their seventh birthday. Finally, they spoke.
"As much as we want to tear you apart," said Heather, "we're not going to. We love both of you. But since you've already agreed to joint custody, we'll play along, on one condition."
"Which is?" inquired Peter.
"That neither of you start dating again for at least two years from the day the divorce is granted, and you don't get married for three years after that," said Jim.
"Okay," said Ruthie.
"Sure," agreed Peter. "Any other concessions from Mom and me?"
"We still have dinner together every night, and the joint dinners we have with Aunt Shelby and Uncle Rod and their kids Fridays and Sundays continue," said Heather. "At least you're willing to make nice, but we'll make sure you do!"
"That's a promise we can and will keep. We will always be a family." Peter smiled.
The parents hugged their children and told them that they were sorry again.
Ruthie then asked the twins, "You had something you wanted to tell us?"
"That we're pissed off," said Heather. "You understand how we feel you and Dad stabbed us in the back. But beyond that, we'd be swearing at you in over a hundred languages – and at this church, which is probably the most multi-ethnic for a couple hundred miles around, you pick up five or six in each. So there's nothing to say, except we forgive both of you. As hard as it is, Jim and I forgive you."
"Thank you," said Peter. "But, and Mom and I need to stress this, don't say anything about the divorce to anything until it actually happens – outside of Uncle Rod, Aunt Shelby, as well as Rhiannon and Maighread. They already know so it has to stay in our circle."
"Not even our cousins? Including Aunt Luce and her kids, including the other Rhiannon?"
"They're gonna figure it out anyway," said Ruthie, "but our family believes in honor. What is a secret will stay a secret. Don't bring it up unless they do. Same with Uncle Chandler and Aunt Roxanne."
"Deal," the twins said.
The doorbell rang. It was Rod and Shelby.
"I think this is our time to go upstairs, sis," said James.
After he and Heather headed up, the other ministers had a few choice words for Ruthie and Peter.
"You guys are crazy!" screamed Shelby. "We've all been friends for more than fifteen years. In all this time, Rod and I never would have figured you'd do something like this. This is a very serious investigation. Yes, Ruthie, we're glad you got the goods from Ashley about the derivatives hacking. Yes Peter, we're glad you got Felicity to say she already talked to a grand jury. We had absolutely no idea about either of that. We're on second base now, and we thought it'd take a year to get even close to that.
"But if there is even the slightest possibility that you're going to have a chance with someone to get the goods and that means getting into their goods, you always tell your spouse something's going to happen, and you make sure you send the message by secure channels. As spies, Rod and I have made that a rule."
"You have never cheated on each other," said Peter. "And that's why Ruthie and I are sorry to – for hurting our friendship as well as all of our reputations. If you want our resignations we're ready to offer them."
"Unaccepted," said Rod simply. "You two are part of the reason for this church's huge success. We won't let you go without a fight. And if you mean cheating by, we deliberately go behind each other's backs for comfort from hurt like home-wreckers like you two did, no. We never have and never will. But we have had extramarital relations with other spies - with each other's consent."
"What?" Ruthie was dumbfounded. "How many?"
"Eight each," said Shelby. "For me, five men and three women. All of it was okay, and the sex was great; but it was just sex, not making love – like you two did with Felicity and Lisa! And it actually helped spark things between my husband and me again, after a few missions - um, pardon the expression."
"Seven women, one man," said Rod. "And don't even ask about the last one, because I absolutely hated it even if he helped one of our allies in Europe catch a double agent. Same thing with the others, though - I needed the reboot too every so often. Our sex lives are now so great we don't even need to go down that road. But for obvious reasons, just in case we meet a contact who demands a quid pro quo, Shel and I always carry a fresh pack of condoms and dental dams. There's no way I'm knocking up someone outside the circle, no way Shel will let herself get pregnant by anyone other than me - and there's no way we'll let any of our children have diseases they can never be cured of."
"Well, is there anything else you wanted to mention?" asked Peter.
"Three hours ago, we each received a phone call – different callers – from someone who said we need to get this project rolling and the sooner the better. Shel and I told them to meet us here, tonight ..."
The doorbell rang.
"... and here they are," finished Shelby. She pulled up her smart phone, and asked for the one time code pass. Once the code was messaged over, she punched a series of buttons which unlocked Ruthie's and Peter's door.
The fractured couple weren't ready for what happened next. Two women walked in. They were Felicity and Hope.
"Reverend Anderson, it's an honor," said Ruthie, shaking her hand in appreciation.
She turned to Felicity. After a pause, Ruthie said, "I knew this was going to happen sooner than later, but you don't need to say you're sorry because you already did. And as hard as it is for me ... I forgive you, Felicity."
"Sister, you have no idea how much hearing that with my own ears means," said Felicity, relieved. "I know we may never be friends -"
"We are," interrupted Ruthie. "We'll talk about how we can figure out on what terms we'll be friends later. But for now I'm glad you're here."
"Felicity," said Peter, still in shock his lover was in the same room, "I thought I asked you to wait until next Wednesday to call to see if I thought it was okay for you to come over."
"If Hope here hadn't called me on an urgent manner, I wouldn't be here," said Felicity. "But after my speech two nights ago, I set off a lot of alarm bells. Money has moved around at a clipper pace. The stuff I have talked about just scraped the surface of what I've fought against. Including Hope here ... until now."
"Maybe we should all sit back in the living room," said Ruthie. "Any preferences for drinks, women?"
"Merlot .. from the Finger Lakes," said Felicity.
"India Pale Ale, from Canada," said Hope.
"The usual, guys?" Ruthie asked the other ministers, pulled up a vermouth for Shelby and a shot of Newfoundland 'screech' for Rod.
Ruthie, who was also a licensed bartender, mixed another screwdriver – a more potent one – for her soon to be ex, as his nightcap. She was still buzzed out but this time chose a margarita for herself to get a nightcap of her own.
"Reverend ... I mean, Hope," said Ruthie after the beverages were served, "may I ask what brings you here? And why did you come with Felicity? Do you know each other?"
"The first time I ever spoke with Pastor Hunter was yesterday morning, after more than seven thousand of Mom and Dad's ministry's followers who watched or listened to Felicity's broadcast, e-mailed or called saying they wanted to put on the church's no-contact list," said Hope. "When they found out what their money was supporting, they were furious. Just my luck, it was also my weekly session answering phones. A concession I made as part of my parents' deal with me to have me on TV even though my views about doctrine are totally different from theirs.
"From seven to ten am west coast time, just one caller after another saying, 'God lied to me – I'm quitting being a Christian!' Which is truly sad – it wasn't God who lied to them, it was the ministry.
"After it got to twenty calls, I had enough. I told my parents I was getting something like motion sickness - which I was - and I needed to see my doc; and once I did see the GP, I also told them I needed to go to see my brother who has a church here in Saint Louis. He really does, actually, but I have been estranged from him for as long as I can remember. He's even more fanatical than our parents.
"But I had no intention of seeing him even to make peace, and I'm not seeing him now. And by the end of the month, once I get my business affairs in order, I'm separating my ministry from my parents'. In fact, I'm going to disown them! And it's not just because of what Felicity here said, which is true, mostly."
"Mostly?" inquired Peter.
"Felicity made twenty-one specific allegations against my parents and me. I told her at my first call to her, from a disposable SIM card so it can't be traced back to me, that six of them were totally false and I could prove it. I e-mailed her a PDF showing why, and earlier this evening, she retracted that part of her sermon saying she had new information and was prepared to give Mom and Dad the benefit of the doubt."
"When I'm wrong, I'm wrong," conceded Felicity. "So I said I'm sorry in my daily blog entry. But Hope's paperwork confirms the other sixteen."
"Yes," said Hope. "And I will concede I am responsible for five of those items. I did launder about fifty million dollars in donations to five tax shelter states, and another thirty to Ms Lumby's home base of Luxembourg – every year for ten years. Eight hundred million, total. I got immunity this morning, when I offered to turn over my share of what was stolen from the church for my personal use – one hundred million dollars. That cuts my net worth by more than ninety percent and I'm still going to have a bit of comfort; but I'd be willing to give it all up, including what I have earned legally through book and podcast sales, if the parishioners got their money back – which of course will never happen.
"The other eleven allegations just scrape the surface. All the cult watchdog sites, even Felicity, have grossly underestimated my parent's net worth."
"How much?" asked Ruthie.
"Including the money they've stolen...which is most of it...half a trillion."
"Impossible. Four of the five richest men in America are worth one hundred eighty-nine billion combined. Two of them are lions, and using their fortunes to help the little guy, in the developed world and the developing. The other two, brothers, are in the same nut-bag crowd your parents are in – with all due respect. They're backing neo-facists who want to return our civil liberties to before Magna Carta – meaning none. If they have any redeeming grace, they back some of the most important as well as funny public television and radio shows in America. Which the first two also back."
"The brothers are actually libertarians, Ruthie, not facists ... and trust me, whatever their political activities, their philanthropy is genuine. But they hate the Word of Faith. They're on our side – the side I am now proud to be part of, permanently.
"But it's true. My parents are worth half a trillion. And they've gotten help with 'true believers' from across the entire Christian spectrum. Fanatics who want to hasten the return of the Precious Blood. And they're from lefties like all four of you and your kids; moderates like me, and as much as paleos like you know who. Dad's been the front man, Mom's been doing the financials. Long story short, the runners set up pyramid schemes that last three months or less, they make sure only the next two levels of the pyramid get paid out and the runners split their profits fifty-fifty with my parents.
"It's been going on so long it's amazing I was willing to play along, for years. While I was keeping up a façade of integrity. I am truly ashamed and I don't deserve to be Christ's servant. But the night of Felicity's broadcast, something so unbelievable happened that it enraged me even more than when I was before my teleconference with the grand jury."
"What?" Peter leaned forward.
"I had two boyfriends in seminary. One was your pal, Chandler. He was actually my second boyfriend, and he proposed to me in our senior year. I loved him, I adored him, but I turned him down – I thought I just wasn't ready to be a mother. I was wrong – and I'm actually making up for lost time, before my clock runs out. I wish I had said yes. If for no other reason than I would have broken away from my parents ages ago. But we have stayed friends ever since. And when I heard from him today, I was heartbroken over what he said. And by a horrible convergence, it involved my other boyfriend.
"Chandler called the man 'Emilio Sanchez.' I didn't know him as that. I knew his as Edward Sanderson. We dated for nine months, and around month seven we both lost our virginity. It ended at month nine ... when he raped me."
"Oh my God!" said Ruthie. "I'm sorry!"
"Ruthie," said Hope with a bit of impatience, "I'm sure you've said that so many times about something that wasn't your fault. I appreciate the thought, but you might want to learn the difference between empathy and sympathy. If this current situation gets even more out of control, you'll really need to make use of the former and a lot. Please don't take that personally, sister ... I'm just trying to help you out."
"No offense taken."
"Anyway, I got a rape kit but the next day Edward had withdrawn from school and taken all his belongings. So the sample went into the national DNA database and for so many years I thought that I would never see him again – not in a courtroom, not anywhere else. But around the time of my meeting with the grand jury, the FBI found a match with another victim. Two, actually. They are Chandler and Roxanne's daughters, Catherine and Rita. 'Emilio' was boasting when he raped them that he had an ex-girlfriend, and named me. While the logs were searched by the FBI database, Chandler decided to contact me only because he wanted to help an old friend finish her - my - parents off on the financial side. But as soon as the DNA match was made from rape kits the girls had extracted from them from an earlier rape session - there were about fifteen, total - and asked to be put in lockup, Chandler realized who 'Emilio' was. My connection to Chand is that, all those years ago, I linked up with him because he led the team of students who were trying to find out where the bastard went, and he helped me start to believe in myself again. Matter of fact he and I made love a couple of months after the rape, if you can believe that - and it was love, not just sex like I had with Ed. In a way, I was healed.
"But the situation gets much worse.
"A few years after, when I got my credentials and was ordained, a man came to the TV ministry. Name, Edmond Sandberg. Claimed to be a Jew who converted to Christianity. He started working his way up from phone operator to IT. He seemed oddly familiar except he had a thick mustache, like a certain muckraker 'news' personality – guess who – and a darker complexion from taking overdoses of tanning pills. The old 'black-face' trick. He was quite the character, making people laugh. He also had a Southeast accent – y'all, grits, honey, and the down home drawl. And the blue-collar jokes – they would have easily competed with Felicity's here.
"However, one of my duties at my parents' ministry is compliance audits. Making sure employees are following accepted rules for online and phone usage. The two biggest ones to flag as you guys can guess, are porn ranging from erotica to the despicable and revolting – and phone sex lines of all categories. One day I found hundreds of different sites being visited from one terminal, and a large number of phone calls from one extension. They both were coming from one employee. Sure enough, it was Edmond. And our policy is zero tolerance. Not because of the material. It's so many of the sites spread malware and Trojan horses which can do wonders to your computer systems.
"I had no choice. I fired him on the spot – still not knowing who he was even though I had looked him straight in the eye and told him he was gone. He was out of the building in ten minutes. Once I was sure he had left, I asked the police to search his workstation to see if there might have been use of illegal drugs. Nothing, but he had pleasured himself just that morning, on the keyboard. He thought he had disinfected it but a trace of semen was found on the mouse pad. Unbelievably, it turned out to be Edward – but by the time the police got an arrest warrant, he was gone. Even when the FBI upgraded it to a fifty state warrant, given my celebrity status, nothing – he went underground, again.
"When I heard from Chandler today that his daughters were molested, I just broke into tears. It's not just their ages, or that Catherine has autism – even if she has more than made the best of it. It's that it was so horrible that a man who ruined my life had to go after a man I once loved – in every sense of the word."
"So it stands to reason that because Chandler stood up for you, Hope," said Ruthie, "he wanted to get back at him for not minding his own business. But how did Edward ever figure out Chandler had children? And how did he ever get to be his and Roxanne's lives in babysitter?"
"Simple, sister," said Felicity. "Columbia like most other universities has an online classified service, for employees as well as students, for just about anything. He went on a lark, found Chandler needed a 'nanny' – or butler in this case – used a stolen identity which passed the background check and 'Emilio' went in making nice, then went after his and Roxanne's children. This time, using a lower dose of the tanners to make him look Hispanic."
"But why?" said Peter. "Going after minors like that is the worst possible crime. Even worse than treason. Only someone with nothing to lose could get away with it ... wait a minute – I know where this is going, but say it ain't so, Hope!"
"Yeah," said Hope. "My parents weren't happy I fired Edward. Turns out he was using his URL to redirect the porn – to my parents! Yes, Ed did jerk off a lot – no secret to anyone on the compound - but my parents despite declaring fire and brimstone on anyone who looks at a naked picture or movie, actually love hard-core, and scenes with real rapes caught on hidden camera. And to my horror, they were into even more horrible stuff with minors on videotape. They put in so many firewalls that they thought no one would ever find out. Little did they know, I knew a few tricks even many IT guys and gals don't.
"Oh, yes ... even without all that atrocious stuff, my father's homosexual. I've known that since nine. And Mom's a lesbian. They are definitely not molesters, just like most LGBT people are not molesters. They have never harmed any innocent children – and that is the absolute truth. And I'm sure, they never will. But their marriage since my birth been entirely one of convenience. Two years after I was born, they already had separate bedrooms. I only found out one night about them when I came home from private school, on my ninth birthday, and walked into an orgy – Dad, Mom and six other people. The sex went so many ways, but at no time did Mom and Dad even touch each other – or anyone of the respective opposite gender. Only their own sex. No one saw me, but I was so horrified that I ran out and prayed to God that they be cleansed of their sin and to change their ways. They didn't. The all night parties just kept happening. That's when I knew. And Felicity will go public very soon about this – with my help. I actually don't care anymore that Mom and Dad are gay - and not just because I have so many LGBT friends - but I simply will not tolerate hypocrites anymore, especially and even if they are my blood.
"Well I'm tech savvy and in the following forensic work after the dismissal I figured it all out. I put the evidence in a storage space location they would never know about. But little did I know that Mom and Dad were so worried their free porn might get cut off – "
"Did 'Edmond' hack into cable so your parents could get free stuff from the pay per view stations?" interrupted Peter.
"Yes, Peter," said Hope.
"Interfering with interstate commerce – a federal offense. So far, it's the one that has a chance of sticking."
"Twenty years, $3000 fine – with fines cumulative each instance. Sure, Peter, it's easy to prosecute piracy of cable, satellite or fiber optic TV signals ... but what good will that do for the victims of all the theft – which I was part of? But the point I was trying to make is, my parents were so worried about eventually losing their free porn that, before I made the discovery and dismissal, they gave Ed a secret phone number to be used if and only if he managed to get a hold of Chandler – as their way of getting back at me for his doing the right thing. They never spoke up for me when I was raped, which means they agreed with it; and Chandler was not minding his business. They've hated him back from his postings in the old USENET before he and I went to seminary, and especially ever since his op-ed piece in the NYT running down the religious right a few months before he temporarily replaced Reverend Camden after his second heart attack. When my parents found out from Edward he had gotten through the chicane, they forwarded him half of the money they stole on the gold market and he in turn gave ten percent to your church – through multiple identity theft of law-abiding people – on condition he do something to the family. Harm of any kind.
"Best thing is, he thought he had gotten away with the money part. Except about fifty people whose identities were stolen, called the Secret Service and / or the IRS to complain about a tax receipt from a church they had never given money to. Yours. Actually, the IRS has found out there were eight hundred victims more too on the money side."
"Excuse me, Hope ... " said Ruthie. Her body was shaking. "Are you telling me, your parents paid your ex-boyfriend a hundred and twenty million – to rape two girls? And Chandler's and Roxie's specifically? Two little girls, who Peter and I consider to be our honorary nieces?"
"Yes!" said Hope, crying so hard she needed nearly five minutes to stop. It wasn't her children, of course, but the pain of what happened to them became intimately connected to what happened to her.
Throughout this entire dictum, Rod and Shelby had been silent. But the thought something like that could happen to their daughters overwhelmed them. The normally stoic Marines burst into tears, and comforted Hope with a huge hug to let her know she was now part of the family, too.
"Yeah, and that's why I've disowned my parents," Hope finally said when she calmed down. "I'd break ties with them if he was paid just a dollar. But that much money – to do that to two girls? And to make the sisters have sex with each other – if that is even possible, at their age?! No. No daughter, or son, would or should ever put up with that.
"As for the BI thing, same thing – multiple fronts, pyramid schemes, et cetera – and the church's leaders who openly praise father's daughters, molest them too. With contributor's money and other market manipulators. My parents only let them and their disgusting programs on our station because they always pay their advertising fees on time, and they give a cut to the ministry of their revenues too. So it's a deal with the devil - or two. The summit between that leader and my Dad is in just ten days time. There will be World War III if we can't figure out a way to put our heads together – if you'll pardon the expression – to stop them."
"So why did you show up with Felicity tonight?" asked Ruthie.
"I'll answer that, Ruthie," said Felicity. "Hope called me and said she was so inspired by my broadcast – even with the errors – that she wanted to do more than help with the investigation. Since she can no longer have her ministry in her parent's house, compound, prison – whatever one can call it – she needs a place to rest her feet in. I told her I'd be happy to share my ministry with hers – we both think that with her defection about a quarter of her parents' ministry's members who prefer her more moderate and reasonable approach to evangelism, which is mostly where I am, will move with her which puts us in great stead to compete. But because Enid isn't really safe for me, at least for a while, Hope on a lark - so to speak - thought we could put our stakes, temporarily, here. Since you weren't yet home, Ruthie, we called Majors Connor and Parker here."
"What did you tell them, guys?" Ruthie knew what was going to be said in any case.
"Since you and Peter came on board more than three years ago," said Rod, "things have gone great, our church has continued to grow by leaps and bounds – and we're really happy to have you as ministers as well as friends. But we still need a few more hands. Hope and Felicity are just the women we need – progressive, assertive, sticking to the Bible while keeping a mind on the wider world, and they both have clear senses of right and wrong. We need as big a team as possible not just to run this church, but to bury our common enemies."
"Well, I don't think our parishioners are going to like two unmarried women living in one of the guest houses," said Peter.
"Actually there's two of them, one attached to each parsonage," said Hope. "We flipped a coin. I get Shelby and Rod's – Felicity gets yours."
"What other arrangements are there going to be?"
"For me, none. I will pay for my phone, cable and internet. I'll break bread with their family for supper every day but otherwise it'll just be me."
"Why couldn't Felicity be over there and you with us, Hope? It'd make things a lot easier."
"Ruthie ..." hummed Felicity, momentarily turning to her new female friend. For a minute she was trying to find the right words. Then she said, "remember when you got The Call? When our Master called you to serve Him – or Her?"
"It was a woman's voice in my case. Softer than the softest whisper. But I remember it. When you get The Call, you know it's Her. It's not like Hope's parents who claim God talks to them all the time. You know it's God, and when you hear The Call you always answer yes. I think that's true for all of us here – all six."
"Well, I heard it again last night," said Felicity. "I knew it was God speaking to me – She has the most beautiful voice. And She told me to consecrate my daughter to Her, to be a minister like I will be."
"WHAT?" Peter screamed. He almost fainted but was quickly stopped there by Shelby.
"Yes Peter ... we're having a baby."
"What about -"
"I didn't take it. I couldn't. After sharing something so wonderful with you I couldn't even think about destroying something we created. It might have been different if you had taken advantage of my good nature then sexually assaulted me. But that – no. I know it's been only four days, but she was conceived just one hour after we finished the very first time. We are going to have a daughter; your kids will have a sister."
Peter walked over to his girlfriend, kissed her, and rubbed his nose against hers. Their joy was immeasurable.
"Well, that's wonderful," said Ruthie, genuinely. "I guess I have no choice, then. Actually, I do. I choose to say, that you can stay. I'd be more than happy to have you as part of our family. And when I tell Peter's and my other children I shall tell them to address you as Aunt Felicity ... and I expect that when your daughter is old enough to talk, you shall have her address me as Aunt Ruthie. We're pretty much sisters now since we now both have Peter's blood in our veins ... and I know you'll be a wonderful mother!"
"Thank you, Ruthie," said Felicity. "I accept what you just said."
"But I have a few conditions."
"Anything, sister!"
"I have made this choice not just because you're having Peter's baby, or because you really have no home even though you can more than afford to get a new one. I have done so because you are a woman of integrity. The very first thing you did after you admitted what you did was to tell me you were sorry – me, personally. That means so much. Even though I slept with Lisa because I had a feeling you and Peter were going to if you hadn't already – "
"Wait," interrupted Peter. "You rubbed up against Lisa because you thought I may have or was going to have sex with Felicity? I thought the same thing about you two! Oh my God! We had one chance to save our marriage, and we blew it!"
"Oh Peter ... what's the point about talking about what if? We did," said Ruthie. "We have to move on. Our kids are willing to, so should we.
"Be that as it may, Felicity, and in return for this choice, we need to agree on the following points. And we're having Rod, Shelby and Hope as our witnesses on this. One, you and Hope join the rest of our families, both of them, for a joint dinner we have every Friday and Sunday night. This is when we talk business as well as family life. Since we're all going to have three more mouths to feed, we need your advice. After all, you are part of the team, and teams stick together.
"Two, you can continue your ministry – or your and Hope's ministry – but you can't overshadow the four of us. We're willing to take you on as partners, but I in particular want you to use your sermons not to spread stuff about the bad guys – that's what your vodcasts are about – but about what Jesus means to all of us. You're a great speaker and a thoughtful one, but you could use Hope's help here to polish it up."
"I've already started that with her," said Felicity, winking at Hope. She winked back.
"But this is number three. You can't have yourself just to Peter ... you have to share him with me. And yourself with me, too."
Hope, Rod and Shelby's jaws all dropped. They couldn't believe what they had just heard.
"What did you say?" said Felicity in shock. She wasn't going to tell the group that she and Hope had had a one night stand the previous evening, at least not yet, but this was beyond her comprehension.
"Just what I said. Felicity, I might no longer want to be married to Peter, but that doesn't mean he and I still can't have sex. A lot of divorced couples in our church here do just that – they sex the ex because they don't know where else to look. They don't want to spend time together out of bed, but it's okay to take the pressure off in bed. I've been with Peter so long I can't imagine being with another man, not for some time yet. So I'll take what I can have. And after making love with Lisa, my long-held back feeling that I like women that way was confirmed."
"Why would I even want to have sex with you? Or any woman for that matter?"
"Vanderbilt, 1997. Semi-finals of the national debating championship. A real girl's night out according to a muckraker website. You said in a camera feed you loved being with women. And you were never later asked by any employer, including the counter cult one, what your sexual orientation was or wanted to say what it was."
"That's because it's illegal to ask those kinds of questions in California, even religious organizations! And even if it was, I would have said, 'I want to be a member of your team, with all its diversity. But it's a personal matter, and has no bearing on how the team operates and I hope it doesn't if you take me on'."
"So was the Nashville Nellies a one time thing?" asked Ruthie with emphasis. "Are you bisexual, or aren't you?"
"Yes, to both questions," said Felicity, quietly. "It was a one night thing – Vanderbilt like you said. And it wasn't girl's night out, it was mayhem. There were four women and two men on our team, Vanderbilt had three and three. After we won, we actually offered the losing team beers as an act of good will. And it got out of hand. That video only shows all the women, including me, because I only plunked with all of the other six women, not any of the boys. But I can assure you it was an orgy going all ways. When Peter told me you slept with Lisa, I had to wonder whether it was time for me to finally just come out. I think both of us will have to now. Publicly. I'm not ready to try that with you next week or even in a month. But I can see us making love somewhere down the road. So okay, sure."
"Are you okay with a three-way?"
"Why not? We're both the mothers of Peter's children. And it's not like we're both married to Peter at once."
"So you accept my choice then? I let you live here and have sex with Peter, and in return you let me have my way with you and Peter when I want?"
"Sure, Ruthie. Just say when, so I can prepare."
"What do the other guys here think?" asked Peter; implying he could agree to those terms as well.
"As long as you keep me outside of the closed doors," said Hope. She was still musing from the previous night with her new friend. "I no longer, and have not in the longest time, had any issues with alternative lifestyles or the people who live them. I'll look the other way, but I am absolutely heterosexual," she lied. But she decided to put up a pretense, for now.
"This is exactly the church I want to be married in," she continued, "not that personal paean to self my ex-parents built in the OC. And I want to find the man of my dreams here, and to walk down the aisle here with the man of my dreams at the altar, not the woman of my dreams. This isn't exactly the living arrangement I was expecting, even an hour ago, but you only have Hope with Faith; and I have faith we can all work this out. So I'll play along."
"This is highly bizarre ... not what most company men and women would begin to accept," said Shelby. "But – Rod and I, we'll go along too; however keep in mind that we need to keep our personal lives out of church business. It's essential to the church, as well as to the investigation. We need to meet in the morning, for breakfast, at our house. All six of us, and the five children - or the four outside the womb - so we can set the ground rules for all of us. This isn't going to be easy, but if we do this right, we may actually change the hearts and minds of a lot of our parishioners. Ladies, welcome to the team."
"Thank you," said Hope and Felicity together.
"Oh, by the way Felicity," said Rod, "a package came for you earlier. I have it here in this courier envelope."
The postmark was Tulsa, Oklahoma. Once Felicity had confirmed to Rod and Shelby she was on the way, the couple gave the university her forwarding info.
Felicity opened it. It was her divinity degree.
"Congratulations, Reverend!" said Shelby.
"I'm a minister now? For real?" Felicity started crying and dropped to her knees, thanking God for making this dream finally come true.
The other five ministers surrounded her and did a group laying of hands to make the ordination official. She stood up and was embraced as a full member of the posse.
After hugs and handshakes all around, Rod and Shelby went home; while Peter and Ruthie went to separate bedrooms for the first time since the night before their wedding. Felicity went into the guest house.
Hope was last to leave the number two residence. The vast parking lot had just had its lights go out for the evening, and the minister looked up into the skies, seeing the vastness of the outer world and the thousands of stars and planets no longer obscured by city lights. She hadn't seen this many since her summers camping with the Girl Scouts as a little girl, and later a co-ed Senior Scout during her teen years - the few times she was truly happy as a girl.
"'What is man, that thou art mindful of him?'" she said softly. "Thank you, Jesus ... for finally giving me a real family. I pray, this unworthy servant to you ... that the thoughts of my mind, the words of my lips and the meditation of my heart will be acceptable to you, my Redeemer who was, is and evermore shall be. And that you find me a husband who will truly love me as you love your church. Amen."
She slowly made her way to her new guest house, tapped the security card, and finally did what she had wanted to do for so long. Something she could never do as long as her parents controlled her. She got drunk, pleasured herself and came over and over, and went to bed totally nude, all the while singing "I Love the Whole World" until she finally fell asleep - peacefully for the first time in years.