Trigger warning: Panic attack, from third person perspective, I tried very hard so it shouldn't be triggering, I hope. But just in case.
When the dawn broke the next morning on the chateau, Hermione was deeply asleep. She was dreaming of Harry and Ron back in their Hogwarts days, when they were all smaller and happier and healthier. A small smile was gracing her lips when the dawn light began to filter into the room.
On the other side of the Chateau, Draco woke with the sunrise as he always did. He took his time getting dressed and exiting his room. A quick check on his father showed the elder Malfoy laying in the catatonic fashion he tended to default into after one of his fits.
Again, he found himself checking how secured the building was manually on his way to the breakfast nook his mother so favored when they vacationed here. That had been so long ago, Draco barely registered the half formed memory of her sitting in the dawn light as he stepped into the room. His coffee and scone were prepared already, along with the disgusting array of potions he needed to imbibe.
He sat down and looked out the tall window onto the back garden. A cardinal flitted through the snow, bright red against the fresh snow. A moment later, his mate came behind, brown and forgettable by comparison. Draco found this somehow amusing as he watched the pair pecking at the exposed dirt under some bushes.
He turned his attention to his potions. The first three were to be taken on an empty stomach, then he could eat his scone to finish up the last two with food in his system. Five swallows to keep his… condition controlled. He took the first three as he considered the day ahead. His plan to attempt to let Granger in on some more information she wouldn't be privy to through her other available options presented its own set of challenges. He would need to work around the secrecy spells.
Which he had tried before.
Which had failed before.
He sighed and took another sip of his coffee. His eyes focused outside, seeking the cardinal pair again, simply liking the way their little bodies brought so much color against the snow and wanting a second look.
A woman's scream jolted him from his seat and sent him running to find Granger. His shoes lost their grip slightly when he reached the stairs and he almost fell. He grabbed the banister roughly and launched himself up, desperately thinking- maybe belatedly- that he needed to remain quiet. That he couldn't cry out when he used too much force with his arm and a jolt of pain ran through his shoulder. That sacrificing a little speed was worth it for an approach an unknown situation in minimal sound.
Cautiously, Draco looked around at the landing in the library and saw nothing out of the ordinary. There was no feeling at this discovery beyond a ratcheting up of his anticipation. He twisted around to continue the climb.
He could hear a man's voice speaking in a soft, gentle, he might even go so far as to say reassuring manner as he reached the base of the last flight of stairs. Draco, ignoring the confusion, pulled his wand and began sneaking up, murder on his tongue, before recognizing the voice of his father's Healer.
He didn't put his wand away.
His mind rearranged itself to a different strategy as he lifted his foot to the first step. He silently climbed, the words becoming clearer as he went.
"I know you have no reason to trust me, but I'm not here to harm you. Try to breathe into your stomach. The short breaths won't make you feel better. I'm unarmed. I'm not here to hurt you. I'm a Healer. Just keep trying to breathe into your stomach. You'll feel better in a moment. Breathe."
Draco paused before his position would be revealed and as he realized that the Healer must have surprised Hermione. He could hear her gasps as she tried to breathe, even from here. Perhaps she was having a panic attack.
Draco blinked.
That explained a lot.
Different options ran through his mind. Finally after an eternity consisting of two seconds, he decided. "Granger?" he said, trying not to frighten and probably failing at it. "I don't want to startle you. I'm coming up the stairs." Then he took the next step up and saw Granger huddled in a corner near her room with a knife and an expression of sheer terror. She was gasping for each breath. Her other had was pressed into her diaphragm. Draco absurdly focused on how the gasps made the tendons in her neck stand out in sharp detail. How the color had been drained out of her face. How she looked more frightened than he could ever have imagined her to be.
Then her eyes were on him instead of the Healer. He never wanted her to look at him like that again. He spoke softly, ignoring his thoughts. "Granger. I can confirm he's a healer. He was here yesterday when my father collapsed."
"Name" she gasped, pointing the knife slightly less aggressively when she said it. Or was that Draco's imagination?
"His name is Healer-"
"NAME" Hermione said more forcefully, "M-My-name! You" -gasp- "Idiot."
Shit Draco thought. He definitely didn't bite back a harsh bark of surprised laughter.
"It's alright, Miss Granger. I'm with the Order. I knew you were here already." The Healer said in that same comforting voice. "Try to concentrate on your breathing. Into your stomach, not into your chest. It will help, I swear."
"My father is on the other side of the hall," Draco said pointing at his father's door, his tone accusing. "What are you doing? You weren't called for."
"One of the elves told me your father was awake. I was coming to check on his condition. I surprised the poor girl as she was exiting her room, I assume." The Healer answered blandly.
The extreme pallor on Granger's face was being replaced by her normal coloring slowly as she kept trying to breathe into her diaphragm as the Healer suggested, Draco noticed. "Granger, where did you get that?" He asked, nodding to the knife and noticing her tendons weren't so pronounced as she breathed.
"Kitchen," She answered, not sounding quite so breathy. "Last night." Her hand moved from over her stomach to her heart as she said this and she finally looked to be relaxing. She leaned her head back against the wall after a moment.
Draco watched her close her eyes and then asked the Healer, "Don't suppose you've got a calming draught in that bag of yours, do you?"
"It wouldn't help, unfortunately," The healer answered and then looked at Hermione. "When you're ready, make sure to have tea or water and something to eat. You're used to the aftermath, I presume?"
She nodded and Draco looked between them, confused. Her breathing was mostly back to normal and her cheeks were regaining their color. "Have you sought treatment? You were in the muggle world, I'd wager. Did you try the pills they have?"
"Didn't really work well," She answered, subtly looking at Draco. Even Draco caught the hint that she didn't want him to ask too many questions while Draco was there.
The Healer nodded and then turned to Draco. "I'll see him and give Miss Granger some time to get some food and tea or water. I'd like to give you a quick examination if you're not against it, Mr. Malfoy. See how well your own treatment is coming along."
This idiot has the subtlety of a train wreck. "Fine." He answered flatly.
The Healer left and Hermione and Draco looked at each other for a split second before awkwardness set in. "Er… Are you feeling better?" Draco asked stiffly.
"A bit," Hermione answered before looking down at her attire and pulling her dressing gown together. "I uh… I'm sorry." She muttered, looking away and debating getting up.
Draco took a step closer and offered a hand, "For what?"
She looked at his hand, his face, then his hand again before deciding to accept the help standing. "Startling you. Making a big deal of it all… You know. This whole situation," She answered as she stood shakily.
"No need. Seems a perfectly reasonable response, to be frank. That ponce suggested food and water, shall I escort you downstairs?"
Hermione stared for a moment, too many emotions rolling through her overtaxed mind.
Draco saw the confusion and said as un-awkwardly as he could, "You were coming out of your room to go to the kitchen anyway, weren't you? I was having my own breakfast when I heard you scream."
"OH. Oh. I understand. Um. I suppose it would be um… maybe I should get dressed. I didn't think you were awake this early so…" She looked down at her dressing gown and pulled it tighter around her.
Accepting the request for distance for what it was, Draco nodded and answered, "Then I will wait here for you. Healer Davis would be put out if I were to not make sure you were properly fed."
Hermione looked into his eyes for a second before nodding once and going back into her room. She dressed quickly in muggle jeans and a soft sweater, finding comfort in the fluffy warmth. Then she tried not to be weirded out as she walked to the door. Malfoy was being nice again. He was probably going to treat her like others had done in the past once she had a panic attack near them, like she would shatter in a moment. It was insulting. She couldn't control the broken part of her brain. Her adrenaline wasn't under her control, just the same as anyone else for Merlin's sake! She just reacted differently. She huffed at the thought, standing in front of the door.
It was easier when I was on my own, she reflected bitterly. Didn't have to worry about the panic attacks. I shouldn't have let him see. Will he use it against me? She stared at the door, willing it to rewind the clock by half an hour. Wanting to not have the memory of her brandishing a kitchen knife in her pajamas in anyone's mind. Knowing it would be replaying in her mind for weeks and making her embarrassed every bloody time. It would be connected to Malfoy, too. So she could reasonably expect it to replay every time she thought of him, too. "Fuck it," She growled and grabbed the door, seeing the desperate grasp at normalcy of her action, the desperate attempt to stop the thoughts tumbling around through the sudden motion, for what it was. But what other choice did she have but to grasp at normalcy in this pathetic life of hers which took one look at normalcy and laughed?
Draco flinched at the door opening, his own impulse to grasp his wand in case of attack registered and forced down to the depths of his mind, refusing to acknowledge the reaction. Granger still looked pale, he noted as soon as he saw her. A quick stock of her attire and facial expression revealed her fear etched in the fine wrinkles around her eyes and probable attempt to find comfort through softness in her clothing choices. He noted this for further use if he should need it, offered her a nod as he stood at attention again, then gestured silently toward the stair. He kept his analysis brief and his expression blank, not wanting to further her distress by giving an indication he felt anything after her panic attack.
Hermione felt stiff. She was painfully aware of her every movement and trying to ignore the awkwardness of it. Fucking Malfoy she thought bitterly, Why did Malfoy have to see it? She wished again for a time turner. For a memory charm to be cast. For anything that would stop her from having to deal with all this anxiety she had to deal with now. She reached the stairs and focused on the carefully shined wood below her fingertips.
"My mother would be cross with me to know I didn't take your arm, you know." Malfoy said from beside her. "Given I'm your escort. Though I hope you'll forgive me the lack of propriety."
"Of course," She responded, sounding slightly hoarse, and not at all sure why she should forgive him for anything.
"The last time I had a panic attack, someone tried to touch me and it felt awful," He continued quietly, ignoring her shocked gaze suddenly turning to him. "I imagine it would be the same for you."
She nodded and returned her gaze to the steps in front of her, then realizing he probably missed the movement said, "Yes. It's very unpleasant. How long have you..?"
"Since Hogwarts. I had a mission I was failing and they began then."
Short answers. Probably doesn't want to talk about it. "Why were you awake so early? I thought you were off work for a short time."
"I sleep badly, Granger." They had reached the base of the stairs and Draco glanced at her to reassure himself she was alright without thinking and caught her in a becoming beam of sunlight before he looked away again, uncomfortable. "I've had scones prepared for myself, would you like anything specific? Of course you're welcome to anything," Draco asked automatically as he showed her to the breakfast table.
"Just some toast and jam, I think," She said. They appeared in her place across from Malfoy and she cleared her throat. "A cup of tea would be nice too, please." And they appeared just as quickly, She sat, ignoring the half motion Malfoy made from beside her to probably pull out her chair.
Malfoy tried to cover the move by sitting himself and trying to ignore the improper manners he was showing this morning. Ignoring his younger self sneering at him to want to pull out a chair for the mudblood for Merlin's sake.
They ate quietly, Hermione looking at the frozen stillness outside and Draco studying the paper he'd neglected before his mad rush upstairs. He offered it to her after a moment of staring blankly at his stock holdings and she shook her head silently.
They both looked toward the door when they heard the footsteps of the healer coming down the stairs. He cleared his throat as he approached, though Draco was certain his mother had heard him approach and she had been dead for years now.
The Healer entered with a friendly smile. Hermione only noticed now that he was pudgy, balding, and bespeckled middle aged man who may have been something unassuming like a grocer in the Muggle world. Though he did have that slightly manic look of an unsatisfiable curiosity Hermione associated with Mr. Weasley. How in the world she had been so scared by him was a mystery to her. Her memory of the incident was becoming a bit fuzzy, as they always were. Not because she was trying to forget anything, but because her brain was trying to protect her from the pain, she had read once. Hermione gave him a tense smile in return.
He flicked his wrist and a light purple mist appeared between herself and Malfoy. "Privacy screen, Miss Granger. Mr. Malfoy cannot hear us." Hermione nodded her understanding "You've eaten, good. Had some tea or water I hope?" He asked and Hermione nodded. "Good. Still tense?" Hermione shook her head. "Chest soreness? Back pain? Anything like that?"
"No." Hermione said. "Just tired from my muscles tightening during."
"Normal." He answered sympathetically. He cast a quick spell and a scroll appeared in his hands. He examined it for a moment and then asked, "May I look briefly into your eyes to check your pupils?" Hermione nodded and sat facing him more. He came closer and Hermione could smell lemon candy covering the sour undertone of an aging man and tried to ignore it. He brightened the tip of his wand and shone it in her eyes for a moment before backing away. "Good response. Perfectly normal. Any other symptoms? I'm seeing a high likelihood for depression. So of feelings of worthlessness, lack of motivation, trouble eating, anything like that?"
"Sometimes. I feel in control though."
He pressed his lips together in a frown."These are serious symptoms Miss Granger."
"I've been getting better." Hermione insisted.
He frowned deeper, "Honest question, do you preventative potions or would you rather continue deal with it on your own?"
"On my own for now." She answered without hesitation.
He clicked his tongue slightly. "I disapprove, but of course you can make your own decisions. Do not hesitate to ask for preventatives if you don't feel in control, I'll leave some with the elves just in case. They're only for the depressive side I'm afraid. The anxiety is tied in and they can only be fixed together for you. Now Mr. Malfoy." The mist allowed the Healer through and Hermione could not hear the rest of their conversation.
A moment later the healer dropped the screen. "Alright then. All done. Good morning to you both." He said with a small salute and turned to go to the floo connected fireplace.
The Healers robe was barely out of the door before Draco cleared his throat and said, "Well now. I've things which I'll need to attend to this morning, but I shall see you for lunch if you would like the company. Though I must insist on tea this afternoon to discuss history you will be wanting," Draco said awkwardly, and looking stiff when Hermione looked over at him.
Hermione nodded and escaped the suddenly and confusingly thick atmosphere What in the world could the Healer have said so quickly to make D-Malfoy's mood have soured so fast? Hermione wondered as she climbed the stairs. She went to the library to continue reading about Horcruxes.
A/N: Uh... You know that part in The Dark Knight when the Joker meets with Harvey Dent and he takes off the mask and has that awkward, "Hai" moment? That's exactly how this feels. Yes indeed I am still alive. I'm as surprised as you are sometimes. You may have noticed I have mentioned me having depression and lemme tell you, it really really keeps you from doing things you love doing. So regardless of the mental health stuff, I wanted to get this chapter out because I finally finished it and I like it.
I don't have any idea when I will be posting the next one. I do have the story planned out, the problem has been trying to find the energy and motivation to work on it. I'm seriously hoping that I'll be able to get out one more chapter by the end of the year, since I feel like I'm coming out of the worst of this latest slide.
I hope you sorta kinda maybe like this story a little bit. I do.