Madness has taken the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. This references the story Slime Welcoming Party. And is basically a bunch of nonsense that came into my tiny brain while realizing there was nothing good on television. I'm going to write a story about nothing. I guess this is what happens when Archer combines with Seinfeld.
Scandals On The Shore
"Okay everybody gather around," Cyril sighed as the majority of the Figgis Agency assembled in the conference room. "Time to have another meeting."
"Such joy you bring to our lives," Ray remarked as he sat down.
"He'd bring even more if he left," Pam quipped.
"Okay the first item on the list," Cyril took out a piece of paper. "Concerns the living slime attack the other day. Item One. Krieger you are now banned from making any kind of slime."
"Aw man," Krieger pouted.
Ray looked at him. "Krieger, I admit that I'm not a big fan of Cyril's rules. But even I think that's a good one."
"We all think that's a good one!" Lana said.
"Item Two," Cyril went on. "AJ is not allowed to bring any slime into this office again. No sense in tempting fate."
Cheryl raised her hand. "Can we ban AJ from the office?"
"You know…?" Lana glared at her.
"Lana…" Cyril sighed.
"You're still mad about the stupid stamps, aren't you?" Lana snapped.
"This office gets messy enough with what all these idiots do," Cyril snapped. "I'm just trying to contain the damage here!"
"Fine," Lana sighed. "I'll make sure AJ doesn't bring it."
"Good," Cyril nodded. "Which brings me to Item Three on the list. We never, ever, ever, ever tell Ms. Archer what happened the other day."
"I agree," Ray nodded.
"Definitely," Pam nodded.
"Yuup," Lana sighed.
"Okay," Krieger said.
"What happened the other day again?" Cheryl blinked.
"Item Four," Cyril said. "It concerns the business next door that our slime invaded."
"Oh boy…" Pam groaned. "Here it comes."
"First the good news," Cyril sighed. "We're not going to get sued. It turns out the head of the marketing company believes in aliens. And that he was once probed by them."
"So, we dodged a bullet there?" Pam asked.
"Oh yeah," Cyril nodded. "The bad news is the marketing company has moved out of the building next door. And our reputation has gotten even worse in this neighborhood."
"Is that even possible at this point?" Ray asked.
"Apparently yes," Cyril sighed as he brought out another piece of paper. "Which leads me to Item Five. We've been fined by the Neighborhood Business Association."
"How much?" Lana asked.
"Fifteen thousand dollars," Cyril sighed.
"They can't make us pay that!" Pam snapped. "Can they?"
"Well not if we can prove that we were attacked by actual slime aliens," Cyril said sarcastically. "Somehow I don't think that's going to fly with a judge."
"Unless…" Krieger paused. "What if…?"
"We are not staging a fake alien attack Orson Wells!" Cyril snapped.
"Why not?" Cheryl asked.
"Yeah, why not?" Krieger asked.
"How long do we have to pay?" Lana asked.
Cyril replied. "Well they want us to pay right away. But legally we have six months to comply before they can even send the first notice."
"Joke's on them," Pam laughed. "We may not even be in business in six months!"
"That leads me to Item Six," Cyril sighed. "We need to make money."
"We are going through these items a lot faster than usual," Krieger spoke up.
"I know," Cheryl said. "It's really streamlined today."
Ray explained. "Well neither Archer nor his mother are here so…"
"Yeah that would do it," Pam nodded.
"Look," Lana said. "We need to find ways to make money for the agency. Preferably a sane idea and not some hairbrained scheme."
"I have a suggestion," Ray spoke up.
"What is it?" Lana asked.
"We skip town," Ray said. "Take whatever money and valuables we can carry. Get a private plane. Most likely one of Cheryl's. Move to Belize and open a bar on the beach."
"So much for the no hairbrained schemes rule," Krieger quipped.
"We can't just skip town!" Lana said. "Archer is still in the coma!"
"Exactly," Ray said.
"And Mallory won't leave him," Lana added.
"Even better," Ray said. "Let's just all go get new lives without those two."
"Your idea has a lot of good points," Cyril spoke up. "I'll give you that."
"Yeah I could go live by the beach," Pam nodded. "But…Even I don't want to leave Archer."
"Me neither," Cheryl said. "If he kicked the bucket and I missed it, I would be so pissed!"
"So would I!" Ray realized.
"Damn it," Cyril groaned. "Me too. Okay, why don't we put Ray's plan in the Plan B pile? No need to discount it completely."
"Cyril!" Lana snapped.
"As a last resort!" Cyril told her. "It's a backup plan to start new careers."
"Because let's be honest," Pam added. "We've been going through careers pretty quick these past few years."
"If we can't find any work, we'll go through this one even quicker," Lana said.
Cheryl snapped. "Well do you have any ideas, Ms. Lana Naysay?"
"Well…I…" Lana paused.
"Didn't think so!" Cheryl crowed. "At least Ray came up with a backup plan!"
"That's right!" Ray agreed. "I contributed!"
"That's what we'll tell the judge if we ever get arrested," Lana groaned.
"If we do get arrested," Cheryl spoke up. "Just give them a fake name. I do it all the time."
"You do have a surplus of aliases I admit," Krieger nodded.
Pam added. "She has more aliases than Jennifer Gardner."
Cyril spoke up. "I think we're getting off topic. Again. I need some plausible ideas to make money here."
"I have one," Cheryl said. "We burgle celebrity homes and sell their stuff for a huge profit. It worked great for those kids. Until you know? They blabbed about everything."
"Duh!" Ray rolled his eyes. "Rule number one about being a burglar, don't tell people you're a burglar! Especially on social media!"
"We should remember not to do that," Pam said.
"You should remember not to do that," Cheryl pointed out.
"You're not wrong," Pam admitted. "That reminds me, it's been a while since I posted anything decent on my gossip blog."
Ray looked at Lana. "My idea is looking better by the minute isn't it?"
"Again," Cyril sighed. "We are looking for sane, plausible legal ideas! Come on people! Work with me here!"
"We haven't worked period," Pam snorted. "Oh, by the way we need to get some chocolate into this office stat. Because I'm gonna be on the rag in a big way soon."
"How's this for a name for a bar?" Krieger suggested. "Scandals on the Shore!"
"Ooh, love it!" Ray said.
"No!" Lana snapped. "We really need to find a way to make money and get the word out about the Figgis Agency."
"I think the problem is that the word is out about the Figgis Agency," Ray told her. "Several words actually. And they're not good."
"Let's be honest," Cyril groaned. "Ever since we got to LA we've been the cause of and/ or involved in almost every major scandal in this town. And a few minor ones."
"Then we just need to improve our image," Lana said forcefully.
"Sure," Pam said sarcastically. "I'll just get my magic wand. Hey, while I'm at it, why don't I conjure up some hot guys and a Tiki bar full of margaritas?"
"Since when did you get a magic wand?" Cheryl asked. "Oh wait. You were being sarcastic, weren't you?"
"Yes," Pam said. "You didn't sniff any glue today didn't you Cheryl?"
"I knew there was something off about my routine!" Cheryl snapped her fingers.
"Can we please get back on topic?" Cyril asked.
"How about Topical Cabanas?" Ray asked.
"The topic is not names for your fictional bar!" Cyril snapped.
"It's not that good a name anyway," Pam said.
"Dukes," Ray sighed.
"That's a good name for a bar," Cheryl said.
"There's like forty Dukes in California alone," Ray told her. "Trust me, I researched it."
"Can you research a way we can not end up on the streets?" Cyril snapped.
Ray looked at Cyril. "Well do you have a plan, Lord Slack Bladder?"
"I have a cunning plan!" Krieger called out. "No, I don't. Never mind."
"Oh, I did have a plan," Cyril remarked. "It was to kill all of you. Set this building on fire and collect the insurance. But since none of us have insurance…Well, I'm going to have to fall back on Plan B."
"B?" Pam snickered. "Cyril by now I think we're on the letters on the other end of the alphabet. Probably Y."
"As in why I stay here instead of just running away?" Cyril asked.
"That is a good question," Cheryl blinked.
"One I ask myself every God damned day," Cyril moaned.
"Me too," Lana sighed.
"Runaways!" Pam called out. "That could be the name of the bar!"
Ray sighed. "It would if fifteen bars in the state of Florida didn't already have that name. And a few others scattered among both the east and west coast."
"I don't even know why I bother!" Lana sighed. "This is just like every meeting we do have. We sit around making stupid jokes and stupid insults and nothing gets done!"
"Well then you come up with an idea!" Cyril snapped. "Lady Lecture-A-Lot!"
"Will you guys stop it?" Ray said. "This is going nowhere."
"Going Nowhere!" Pam called out. "How about…?"
"At least nine of them," Ray said. "Ironically three of them are in the Washington DC area. It's a chain."
Pam looked at Ray. "You have researched this haven't you?"
"Why do you think I'm having trouble coming up with a decent name?" Ray asked.
"Okay Ray," Cheryl spoke up. "I admit. You have been putting the work in."
"He has," Krieger nodded.
"That's all I wanted," Ray shrugged.
"I want a new life," Lana groaned.
"Me too," Cyril admitted.
Just then the phone rang. "We have a phone in the conference room?" Cheryl blinked. "When did that happen?"
"This is it!" Cyril's eyes widened. "This is it!"
"Answer the phone!" Lana said.
"I will if you shut up!" Cyril snapped as he answered it. "Good morning! Cyril Figgis of the Figgis Detective Agency! How may I help you?"
Cyril's face frowned after a few moments. "I'm sorry what is this regarding again? What? No! We don't need or want any solar panels!"
Cyril hung up the phone. "Damn telemarketers!"
"Should have known," Lana sighed. "It's never that easy."
"If this was a normal show it would be," Cheryl sighed.
"Cheryl this is not a TV show!" Lana snapped.
"A lot of people have been saying that since season eight," Cheryl remarked.
"That's it!" Cyril snapped. "Nope! Nope! Nooope! This will not end up one of those meetings where absolutely nothing gets done! It isn't! I refuse it to be! Come on!"
"Where are we going?" Lana asked as they got up.
"Out," Cyril said simply.
"I guess we're going out," Ray said as they left the conference room.
Soon the Figgis Agency was standing outside. "Okay this is a start," Cyril said. "We're getting a look at the consumers. Analyzing what we see firsthand."
"Really?" Cheryl blinked. "I'm just standing out here because everyone else is."
"Me too," Krieger nodded.
"What are we supposed to do Cyril?" Pam asked sarcastically. "What exactly is the plan here? We stand out here and call people in?"
"HEY! HEY!" Cheryl shouted. "PEOPLE! PEOPLE! COME INSIDE IF YOU WANT DETECTING DONE! HEY! HEY! DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! I'M NOT CRAZY! YOU ARE!"
"We are not calling people in!" Cyril snapped.
"Obviously," Ray groaned as he noticed the looks passersby were giving them. "If anything we're scaring them away!"
"So basically," Lana realized. "We're standing outside like a bunch of idiots for no reason?"
"Looks like it," Cyril sighed.
"Brilliant plan Cyril," Lana said sarcastically.
"Don't start with me, Lana!" Cyril snapped. "Okay, okay…Okay! Let's go this way!"
"I guess we're going this way," Krieger said as they followed Cyril down the street.
"What is he doing?" Ray whispered.
"I think he's on the verge of having a nervous breakdown," Pam whispered back. "I mean it's not like we didn't know this wasn't going to happen…"
"To be honest," Krieger whispered. "I'm impressed he lasted this long."
"Cyril what are you doing?" Lana groaned. "You really think we can just get a job just walking around LA?"
"You're right," Cyril said. "We need to take a different approach."
TEN MINUTES LATER…
The Figgis Agency was riding a bus. "Well this is different all right," Ray sighed.
"I found some gum," Cheryl showed Pam.
"Don't eat that!" Pam told her. "And that's me saying it!"
"But its pre-chewed for my convenience," Cheryl said.
"Give it to me," Krieger took it. "I can study the DNA left on it."
"Anyone else that would be creepy…" Ray sighed. "With you…No, it's still creepy."
"This is your plan?" Lana looked at Cyril.
"Don't start with me Lana," Cyril grumbled.
"Let me see if I get this straight," Lana asked. "Instead of having our usual stupid meeting where nothing gets done. We're riding around on a bus all over town stupidly doing nothing."
"It is a change of pace," Krieger admitted.
"I'm kind of hoping some kind of inspiration hits me!" Cyril admitted.
"You're lucky we're in public," Lana said. "Or else I would hit you!"
"I don't care if we have to scour this city all day!" Cyril told her. "I will find something!"
"You should find a psychiatrist," Ray told him.
"Cyril even for you this is stupid!" Lana snapped. "Hell, even Archer wouldn't come up with a plan this stupid."
"Don't be so sure about that," Ray said.
"Archer's had some doozies of bad ideas over the years," Krieger agreed. "Technically he and Cyril are tied. Unless he dies from his coma. Then Cyril wins by default."
"You know what you are Lana Kane?" Cyril snapped. "You are a whiner!"
"What?" Lana snapped.
"You heard me!" Cyril snapped. "You always whine and complain about everything but you never offer any real solutions to our problems!"
"I do!" Lana snapped. "But no one seems to listen to me!"
"We listen," Cheryl said.
"Kind of hard not to," Pam said. "You are kind of loud."
"We just don't care," Cheryl added.
"You're always whining and nagging me," Cyril snapped. "Cyril, don't do this. Cyril, don't do that! Cyril you're doing it all wrong! Cyril, I want to stay on top and use the vibrator!"
"What was that last one?" Pam did a double take.
"I'm trying Lana!" Cyril shouted. "I've been trying since day one to make our agency a success! I'm the one who set up a website!"
"Technically I did that," Krieger corrected.
"I've been putting ads in the newspapers and penny savers every week!" Cyril went on.
"Most of them end up on the bottom of birdcages," Ray added.
"Or down the legs of homeless guys," Cheryl added. "To provide warmth."
"I'm the one who's been printing up business cards and putting them in every freaking glass bowl in every restaurant that's running some kind of free luncheon in half the city!" Cyril went on.
"Okay we gotta give Cyril credit for that," Pam spoke up. "That is a very good idea."
"That's what we're going to do today!" Cyril realized. "We're going to go to a part of the city we've never been before. We're going to put flyers and business cards everywhere. That's what we're going to do!"
"Didn't we try that before?" Ray groaned.
"And we're going to try it again!" Cyril snapped. "I knew it! I knew if I broke out of our old routine, I would think of something!"
"Yeah, but…" Ray began.
"I did it!" Cyril cheered. "I DID IT! I THOUGHT OF SOMETHING!"
"Here's something else you should think about…" Ray began.
"I DID IT! I DID IT!" Cyril cheered. He pointed to each member of the Figgis Agency. "You didn't think of something! You didn't think of something! You definitely didn't think of something, Lana!"
"I'm thinking some of this gum is still good," Cheryl had found more gum. She showed a man sitting nearby some. "You think this is good right?"
"You didn't think of anything! You didn't think of anything!" Cyril stood up and pointed to everyone on the bus. "NONE OF YOU THOUGHT OF ANYTHING!"
"They're thinking something now," Ray quipped.
"Probably the same thing I'm thinking," Pam added.
Lana groaned. "I'm thinking why the hell didn't I leave this group when I had the chance years ago?"
"Me too," Pam said.
"NONE OF YOU THOUGHT OF ANYTHING BUT ME!" Cyril shouted. "HA! So that is what we are going to do! We are going to ride this bus and distribute flyers all day if we have to! But we are going to do it!"
"Except we don't have any flyers on us," Lana pointed out. "They're back at the office!"
"Oh," Cyril blinked.
"Plus, whenever you go crazy," Ray added with an embarrassed groan. "It's usually in private where no one else can see you!"
"Oh…" Cyril realized there were other people on the bus. Other people who were looking at him like he was crazy. "Hello…"
"Yeah this is way better than just sitting in the office," Pam laughed. "Well…maybe not for that guy."
"TRY THE GUM!" Cheryl was trying to shove some gum down the poor man's throat. "Try the gum!"
"We should try sanity for a change," Ray remarked. "It would be a novel experience."
TWO AND A HALF MINUTES LATER…
VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Well," Pam said as they watched the bus go away. "We got kicked off the bus."
"Great leadership Cyril," Lana said sarcastically.
"I'm not the one who was trying to shove used gum down people's throats!" Cyril snapped.
"No, you're just the crazy man who ranted and raved," Lana snapped.
"Again," Cyril glared at her. "WHAT DID YOU DO?"
"What does she do?" Cheryl asked. "I'm seriously asking! Another question I'm asking. Anybody want some gum?"
"NO!" Everyone else said.
"Now what do we do?" Ray asked. "It's miles back to the office."
"And I didn't bring my purse so I don't have any money on me," Pam added.
"Neither do I," Lana sighed.
"I'm out too," Cheryl said. "But I have gum!"
"Ray, Krieger and I have our wallets," Cyril snapped. "We'll pay for a taxi!"
"I'm not paying for a taxi!" Ray snapped. "I paid for the bus! Which you and Bazooka Jane here got us kicked off of!"
"And I don't have my wallet with me actually," Krieger admitted.
"Then we'll walk!" Cyril snapped. "It's a nice day for a walk!"
"Yes, the smog is unusually bright and clear today," Krieger said cheerfully.
"You just don't want to pay, do you?" Ray sighed.
Cyril started to walk defiantly. "We're walking! The office can't be that far! And walking is good for us!"
"Do you know which direction the office is?" Lana asked Cyril.
Ray spoke up. "I know which direction this office is going."
"Me too," Krieger added.
Pam added. "I think we all know the direction this office has been going for a long time!"
"Do you know where it is?" Cyril snapped at Lana. "Do you?"
"Well it's obviously that way!" Lana pointed.
"Fine!" Cyril snapped. "Lead the way Lana Livingston!"
"I will!" Lana snapped as she led the group and they started walking down the street.
"You're going the wrong way," Cheryl said.
"What?" Lana turned around.
"You're going the wrong way," Cheryl pointed. "The office is in that direction."
"No, it's not," Lana said.
"Yes, it is," Cheryl said.
"No, it's not," Lana said.
"Yes, it is," Cheryl said.
"No, it's not!" Lana snapped.
"Yes, it is!" Cheryl mocked.
"That bar on the beach is looking better by the minute," Ray groaned.
"Is not!" Lana snapped.
"Is too!" Cheryl shouted back.
"Is not!" Lana shouted.
"YOU ARE NOT MY DIRECTIONS SUPERVISOR!" Cheryl shouted.
"Hang on," Pam spoke up. "Cheryl, Swearsies-realsies. Is the office that way?" Pam pointed.
Cheryl paused. "Didn't think you would get me with the swearsies-realsies."
"So, it's not that way?" Lana pointed.
"No," Cheryl admitted.
"Ah-ha!" Lana smirked.
"It's that way," Cheryl pointed. "Swearsies-realsies."
"Technically you still were going in the wrong direction Lana," Cyril said.
"Shut up!" Lana snapped. "And what makes you think she's right? This woman doesn't know who she is half the time! Much less where she is!"
"True. But Cheryl does have a surprisingly good sense of direction," Pam admitted.
"She doesn't have a sense of anything!" Lana snapped. "The only sense she has is nonsense!"
"How about we put it to a vote?" Krieger suggested.
"Or we could just check the maps on our phones," Ray took out his phone. "Which I am doing."
"Thank you Ray!" Lana said. "Finally, someone around here who has some common sense! Which direction is the office?"
"It says that Cheryl is right," Ray pointed in the second direction Cheryl pointed. "It's that way."
"Ha! HA!" Cheryl mocked.
"Whomp, whomp," Pam quipped.
"AGGGH!" Lana made a noise in frustration.
"Okay Ray, you lead the way!" Cyril pointed.
"Ray will save the day!" Cheryl cheered.
"Hip hip hooray!" Krieger added.
"Now everything will be okay!" Ray added.
"SHUT UP!" Lana shouted.
Cyril paused. "Lana's nerves are going to fray."
"You are just begging for it aren't you Figgis?" Lana glared at him.
"He's been begging for it his entire life," Pam quipped. "Phrasing! Boom!"
"Second best field trip ever!" Cheryl squealed.
"Second best?" Pam asked.
"The first was that dairy farm I went to in grade school," Cheryl said. "That burned down."
"Ah," Pam nodded. "Of course."
"Scorched ice cream tastes a lot better than it sounds," Cheryl told her.
"Any kind of ice cream sounds pretty good," Pam remarked. "Or food for that matter."
"You're hungry?" Ray teased. "How unexpected."
"A knuckle sandwich is unexpected," Pam glared at him. "You want one?"
"I want something to eat too," Krieger spoke up.
"Yeah I am kind of hungry," Ray admitted.
"Me too," Cyril said.
"I gotta go to the bathroom!" Cheryl said.
"So do I," Krieger added.
"Me too," Ray realized.
"It's like I'm traveling with a group of second graders!" Lana groaned. "Great! Now I have to eat and go to the bathroom."
"Hey there's a shopping mall right over there," Cyril pointed. "They must have bathrooms and a food court."
"Let's go to the mall! Today!" Cheryl sang.
"I guess I'm paying for that too," Ray grumbled.
"I'll pay for lunch," Cyril told him. "So stop worrying Rockefeller!"
"This is the stupidest day…" Lana groaned.
"Stupider than the time we were in the sewers with the Krieglins?" Ray asked. "Or stuck in the elevator?"
"Okay," Lana amended. "Third stupidest."
Twenty minutes later the gang was at a table at a food court. Each had gotten some food and were enjoying their meal. Some more than others.
"I got a chicken toy!" Cheryl cheered. "Bawk! Bawk!" She played with it.
"I got a robot!" Krieger showed his, making robot sounds.
"Exactly like second graders," Lana sighed as she ate her salad.
"Hey the robot toy from McDougal's is cool okay?" Cyril snapped as he played with his toy. "And it's been ages since I've had a Slappy Snack Pack."
"I have to admit this is a nice food court," Lana sighed. "Lot of good choices here."
"What did you get?" Cyril asked.
"Chicken Supreme Salad from Salad World," Lana said. "With garden dressing."
"No toy?" Cheryl blinked.
"Lame," Krieger scoffed.
"Damn this Chicken D-Light Cornbread Chicken sandwich is great!" Pam munched on her sandwich.
"Very tasty!" Ray agreed as he ate his sandwich.
"Bawk! Bawk!" Cheryl played with her chicken toy.
"Why are you eating a chicken sandwich from a company that discriminates against gays and bisexuals?" Lana was stunned.
"Because it's a damn good sandwich," Pam said. "It's not like anyone is forcing us to eat these. Or work there."
"Yeah!" Ray said. "Although we may have to work at McDonald's in the future…"
Lana glared at them. "I can't believe you guys!"
"What's got your panties in a twist? It's not like Chicken D-Light is stoning people," Pam spoke up.
"It doesn't bother you that the owner of this company has actively spoken out against people who are bisexual or gay?" Lana asked.
"Yeah but it's a damn good chicken," Pam shrugged. "Besides it's just one guy…"
"Who runs the company!" Lana snapped.
"Lana, I hate to say this," Ray sighed. "But if I boycotted every company that discriminated against people for whatever reason or had an unsavory history or made money unscrupulously in any way I'd never shop again!"
"He's right," Cyril said. "Name an industry or a company Lana. Go on."
"Lacy's department stores," Lana said. "Or any department store."
"Sweatshops, animal testing on some cosmetics," Cyril counted. "Cheap plastics made in China for some jewelry and clothes. Long hours for minimum wage in sometimes unsafe conditions and few breaks. What else you got?"
"How about that salad Lana's eating?" Pam pointed. "That's an example of hypocrisy right there."
"How is a salad hypocritical?" Lana asked. "Salad World gets most of its produce from organic farms."
"Which use migrant workers," Pam added. "Illegal and underpaid migrant workers."
"I'm pretty sure those farmers that bred those chickens you're eating weren't exactly paying CEO wages to their workers," Ray added.
"And don't forget," Cyril added. "Term organic can be used very liberally. Thanks to our friends at the FDA."
"Don't start that again!" Pam warned. "Unless your ass wants another beating!"
"Plus, doesn't romaine lettuce get e-coil like every other month?" Cheryl added.
Cheryl then made a funny voice while moving the chicken toy. "That's right Cheryl! Leafy vegetables are responsible for at least 22 percent of foodborne illnesses caused by everything from lack of sterilized harvesting equipment, improper washing of hands or even birds flying overhead the fields! Bawk!"
"Look I'm not saying that everything is perfect!" Lana interrupted.
"Including you," Cheryl said through her chicken. "Bawk!"
"I'm just saying if we want change, we need to take action!" Lana said.
"Lana," Ray looked at her. "We work for Mallory Archer. A woman that makes Cruella DeVille look like a moderate."
"He's right Lana," Cyril said. "That whole boycotting corporations that aren't politically correct ship sailed the day we set Trudy Beekman's apartment on fire."
"After playing a part in the assassination of both that guy from the UN," Pam added. "And that assassin hooker."
"Oh right," Lana paused.
"Yeah how about taking action to ensure Ms. Archer doesn't kill the Prime Minister of Italy again?" Krieger asked.
"Or running a cocaine cartel?" Cyril asked.
"Or sleeping with the head of the KGB?" Ray added.
"Or blackmailing people?" Pam asked.
"Or smuggling people into the country?" Cheryl added.
"Hello!" Krieger waved.
"See?" Cheryl pointed.
"And if you want to talk about people saying things," Ray said. "May I remind you of several of the racist, homophobic and just plain evil things Ms. Archer has said to all of us!"
"Don't get me started on the body shaming," Pam added.
"Or the things she's said about personal assistants, employees and servants," Cheryl added.
"Or the Hitler clone comments," Krieger added. "I don't even look like Hitler!"
"If you think about it, Lana," Cyril said. "Compared to the things Mallory has said over the years, almost all those other comments CEOs and owners have said are pretty tame."
Ray added. "Hell, she makes Attila the Hun look like a pansy!"
"We are in no position to judge," Pam agreed. "So why not get a chicken sandwich?"
"I'm gonna get some waffle fries," Cyril realized.
"Me too!" Krieger said.
"I have got to get myself some better friends," Lana groaned.
"Good luck with that," Cheryl snickered as she played with her chicken toy. "Bawk! Bawk!"
Sometime later the gang was walking along the street towards their office. "I can't believe you would say that!" Krieger snapped at Pam. "You are ignoring all the evidence!"
"All the evidence that you are a moron who knows nothing about what he's talking about?" Pam asked.
"You know nothing, Algernop Krieger," Cheryl mocked.
"I don't know," Cyril said. "I think Krieger has a point here."
"So, you're saying that a vampire could beat a white walker?" Ray asked.
"It's very possible!" Cyril defended.
Lana was ahead of the group. "It's possible that I have been with these people far too long."
"A white walker would totally kick a vampire's ass!" Pam snapped.
"They're both the undead!" Krieger snapped. "It's an even match! Plus, a vampire can fly!"
"Not all vampires can fly," Cyril told him. "Energy vampires can't."
"I know," Krieger said. "But we're talking traditional vampires here. And for the record, energy vampires would get killed. No energy for them to take."
"Aren't vampires undead too?" Cheryl asked.
"Yeah but they have some energy which an energy vampire can feed off of," Krieger explained. "Zombies no."
"So, a white walker can defeat a vampire?" Cheryl asked.
"It depends on how many white walkers we're talking about," Cyril said. "If it's just one white walker against one vampire. Then yeah, I would say a vampire has the advantage. But if it's a whole horde of white walkers against one or two vampires…"
"Or a vampire against the Night King," Pam added.
"The Night King is totally different than regular white walkers!" Cyril said. "Now if we're talking Dracula verses the Night King…"
"Why do our conversations always go back to vampires?" Lana shouted as she stopped to look at them.
"They are a fascinating subject," Krieger admitted.
"Oh my God!" Lana turned around and stomped her foot. "Will you two idiots please stop talking about this! I am sick of the same stupid vampire arguments we have every other week!"
"Okay how about white walkers verses mummies?" Pam asked. "Nobody's argued about that before!"
"You know that a mummy is basically a zombie in bandages, right?" Ray asked.
What no one noticed was in front of them was a bank. An alarm had gone off and was blaring loudly.
"So, it's between an ice zombie and a sand zombie," Cyril mused. "Tough choice. Again, if it's just one on one…"
No one noticed three men in black with masks carrying guns and bags of money that had come out of the bank. And they turned and ran their way.
"GOD DAMN IT!" Lana threw out her hands in frustration. "WILL YOU IDIOTS KNOCK IT OFF!?"
What Lana didn't notice was that one of the bank robbers had run up behind her. As Lana raised her arms in frustration, she inadvertently punched him in the face, knocking him out.
"I AM SO SICK OF ALL THIS VAMPIRE TALK!" Lana didn't even notice what she had done. "VAMPIRES AREN'T REAL!"
Another robber tried to grab Lana but she threw him over her shoulder. He flew straight towards Pam. "YES THEY ARE!" Pam snapped as she punched the thrown robber in the stomach.
"OOFFF!" The second robber dropped both his weapon and a bag of cash as he fell down.
"YEAH THEY ARE TOO!" Cheryl then kicked the second robber in the groin.
"OOOHHH!" The second robber winced in pain. He mistakenly grabbed Ray by the leg. Ray kicked him and knocked him out.
"Don't grab me!" Ray snapped. "Unless I want you to!"
"HEY!" The third robber pointed a gun at them. "What are you people doing?"
Krieger calmly pulled out a small tranquilizer gun and shot the last robber. The robber made a funny sound and fell down. He was out cold on the ground.
"Krieger!" Lana snapped. "What did you…?" She turned around and looked around. "Do?"
"Wait…What just happened?" Cyril blinked.
"Uhh…." Ray looked around and saw the unconscious robbers as several police cars rolled up. "I think we stopped a bank robbery, y'all."
"We did what now?" Cyril did a double take.
"God, I love our field trips," Cheryl giggled.
The following day back at the Figgis Agency bullpen the gang was reading newspapers. And enjoying it.
"Detective Agency Foils Bank Robbery," Cheryl read the front page of the paper cheerfully. "Awww…That's a good picture of me."
"I look good too," Ray grinned as he held a paper.
"I especially like the line," Cyril read. "The heroic actions of the Figgis Agency, run by Mr. Cyril Figgis…"
"Namedropper," Ray quipped.
"Recovered over two million dollars in cash and valuables," Cyril went on reading. "The police commended the agency for subduing the robbers with precision and skill."
"Wow," Pam said. "It is weird having the cops say nice things about us for a change!"
"Let's see what my bastard father thinks of this!" Cyril grinned. "I saved four copies of the newspaper. I'm going to send him one this weekend! Take that old man!"
"I already sent one to my Dad," Pam said. "And my favorite cousin Pearl. Edie is going to have the mother of all hissy fits when she finds out! She is gonna be more pissed than the time I beat her in a pie eating contest and got my picture on the front page of the lifestyles section of the Oshkosh Gazette!"
"I can't believe our dumb luck," Lana was stunned.
"Look at the bright side," Ray said. "We stopped a bank robbery. And got credit for it! That's a good thing!"
"And we got a reward of fifty grand from the bank president!" Krieger added. "I especially like that part!"
"Now we can pay off the fine for the slime attack," Pam added. "And keep some profits!"
"All because I decided to get us out of the office!" Cyril grinned.
Lana looked at Cyril. "You are never going to shut up about that are you?"
"The man has so few wins Lana," Ray said. "Can you blame him?"
"I can't believe we actually solved a crime instead of committing one," Pam said. "That is a twist!"
"For us it's a big one," Ray admitted. "That's something to put in the scrapbook!"
"And it's something to show Archer whenever he decides to get out of his stupid coma," Cheryl added. "I mean seriously, the man expects us to just wait around and do nothing while he's off having coma adventures! Seriously?"
"Cheryl is right!" Cyril said. "We should get back out there! Solving crimes!"
"So what?" Lana asked. "We're gonna wander around the city aimlessly until we find a crime to solve?"
"It worked before!" Cyril grinned. "Why not?"
Lana looked at Ray. "Tell me more about this bar, Ray."