Chapter 3: Eros and Agape
Victor felt a little touch of happy surprise as he woke the next morning, still in the guest bed in Lilia's mansion, and with an even more pronounced sniffle, but curled warmly around the fluffy body of his beloved poodle.
"Maccachin?" he chuckled, hugging the old dog, who thumped his tail on the bed and licked his sleepy master's smiling face, "Did Yakov go and bring you? How nice of him."
He ruffled the hair on the dog's head playfully.
"He's such a good father, isn't he?" the Russian skater giggled, "I know. I know. I'm not his son!"
He laughed again, then sat up and stretched. His blue-green eyes looked out the window and his head tilted slightly as he noticed that the rain from the day before had become snow.
Well, it is that time of year.
One slender, graceful hand reached over to grab a tissue and he sat up and blew his nose.
Ah, thank goodness Lilia only buys the really soft, lotion treated tissues. The ones that Yakov uses feel like rubbing cardboard on my nose.
He stifled a sneeze and winced at the loudness that disrupted the peace of the bedroom. His breath caught for a moment and he listened, but didn't hear any footsteps.
Thank goodness. It's just a little cold, but Lilia is an overprotective mom.
Victor pulled Maccachin close again and sat, quietly gazing out the window at the lightly falling snow, his mind wandering.
I'm glad I stayed over. Yakov stayed over too. We may not be biologically related, but the people around a competitive athlete will often do what we've done and form a little family. I'm glad. I would have been a lot more lonely, leaving my family at eight years old to be trained at the academy if I had not had the love of Yakov and Lilia. And even though they did divorce, we still act like a family when we're together.
A tap on the bedroom door, made him look up, and a house attendant entered and set tea at his bedside.
"Thank you, Fedya," he said politely.
"You are quite welcome, Vitya," the old, gentle, brown-eyed man said, nodding, "Enjoy your tea, sir. The doctor will be in shortly to see you."
Victor shook his head, laughing softly.
"Now, you at least know I don't need a doctor," he said, smirking, "It's just a little cold."
"Well, Miss Lilia always proceeds with extra caution when it comes to her loved ones, Vitya," the old man chuckled, "especially you."
Fedya reached into his pocket and turned his friendly smile on Maccachin.
"And don't think I've forgotten you, old friend," he said, feeding the happy poodle a dog treat, "Good boy, Maccachin. It's always a pleasure."
His eyes rose and met Victor's again.
"Can I bring you anything else, sir?" he asked.
"No, no, this is fine. Thank you," Victor said gratefully.
"Very well. Miss Lilia will see you in the ballet studio when you are ready."
He started to leave, but turned back, smiling as he laid a silvery dance outfit on the bed.
"I almost forgot. Your dance clothes, sir. Please wear them when you go to meet Miss Lilia."
"Hmm, thank you," Victor said, sipping at his tea.
Earl Grey.
I think it's funny that Lilia drinks it more because she likes the name than that she enjoys the flavor. I like different things at different times. When I come here, I like it because it feels like home.
He looked up and smiled as Lilia's young, handsome physician tapped on the door and entered the room.
I think she has a young, good looking doctor just to rankle Yakov. She always thinks of a reason to call him over. It's cute how she plays with Yakov and tries to make him jealous. They should just get back together again.
I wonder if Lilia knows this guy is gay? Oh wait, of course she does. She's probably trying to cheer me up by getting me laid or something.
"Good morning, Victor," the doctor greeted him, giving him a warm smile and an admiring look, "Miss Lilia said that you were on your deathbed again."
"She didn't really say that, Sasha," Victor snickered, "I'm pretty much fine. I just have a sniffle."
"I know, but I should actually do some work sometimes. I think she keeps me around as a showpiece."
"Well, she does like beautiful things," Victor teased, "That's probably why she keeps me around too."
"That woman loves you like the son she never had."
"She doesn't like children," Victor said, moving to sit on the edge of the bed as Sasha approached him.
"Ah, but you are special."
"Did she tell you to come in here and flatter me or to come in and seduce me so that she could watch it on the security video later?" Victor joked.
Despite their levity, the doctor's hands were professional and caring as he checked the Russian skater's vital signs and examined his eyes, ears and throat before stepping back and shaking his head.
"Is it fatal, Doctor?" Victor asked, smirking.
"Yes, yes," Sasha said dramatically, "You should take me to bed immediately so that you will have one last fling before you die on us. Shall we do that now?"
"I don't want to give you my cold," Victor sighed, "I guess I will just have to die an anal virgin."
Sasha's eyes widened in surprise.
"You're joking, right?" he asked, "I know you've had boyfriends and girlfriends. What in god's name were you doing with those pretty boys, if not having sex very frequently?"
Victor shrugged.
"With a few, I was underage and they knew Yakov kept a shotgun around and when I was of age, I dated mostly girls. Honestly, I don't know if I would like anal sex. I've heard it's painful."
Sasha laughed.
"It's no worse than getting a shot," he teased.
"I faint when I get shots," Victor snorted.
"I know. I was playing with you. Seriously, it's not that bad. Take it slow, use lots of lubricant and stretch the…"
"I don't want a lover, Sasha," Victor sighed, deflating and bringing a more caring look to the youthful doctor's eyes, "The girls leave me because no matter what I do, it's not enough and the boys leave me, probably because half of them just want to say they've slept with me, but I won't go all of the way with them."
"And why is that, do you suppose?" Sasha asked, slipping a warm palm under Victor's chin and raising it so that their eyes met.
He looked into Victor's troubled blue-green orbs and shook his head.
"Hmm, I see. A very advanced case of looking for Mr. Right," the doctor concluded.
"I'm not looking for anyone!" Victor objected, "I'm…"
His breath caught as the doctor bent and engaged his mouth in a long, open-mouthed kiss. Victor's eyes closed and he felt something flash in the back of his mind. But before he could bring the image into focus, the doctor sighed sympathetically and stepped back to look at him appraisingly.
"Oh, you definitely want a lover," Sasha said with perfect seriousness, "It's just that he's going to have to be a very special boy to win your heart."
"I don't think winning my heart is the problem," Victor sighed, "Maybe it's that…he's already won my heart, but I just don't know who he is yet."
"Well, I've done all I can," Sasha said, laying a hand on Victor's cheek, "If you want to live, you will actually really try to find this guy. And when you do, slap him for stealing you away from the rest of us."
"If I do that, he probably won't like me very much."
"Me? I'd love a good slap, but suit yourself. Drink that tea and try to rest a little."
"The short program for the Grand Prix Finals is in a couple of days. When do I have time for that?"
"Well, don't blame me if your cold gets worse," Sasha chuckled, "Take care, Victor."
"You too," Victor answered, smiling, "I really hope you don't catch my cold."
"It's okay if I do," Sasha laughed, "I'm sure that even your cold will be beautiful."
Victor felt a lighter mood set in as he finished his tea and slipped into the flattering dance clothes. He left the bedroom and headed out of the back of the main house and into Lilia's large, private studio. The elderly former dancer smiled widely and motioned for him to join her.
"Warm ups," she instructed him.
Lilia was the best dance instructor I ever had. She was demanding, but she taught me perfect form. It made such a difference in my skating. I really owe her for that.
He moved gracefully alongside her, slowly warming up his muscles as she guided him through their usual preparations.
"Did Sasha behave himself with you?" Lilia asked sternly, "I will fire him if he offended you."
"No, he was very professional. He's a good kisser too."
"Oh," Lilia said, "are you two interested in each other?"
"No, I think he was just doing his best to cheer me up. It was nice. I haven't been kissed like that in awhile. And even when I have, I always seem to do most of the work. It felt…different, being a little surprised like that."
Lilia's stern eyes blinked slowly, then registered comprehension. She turned suddenly and wrapped an arm around him, turning him and dipping him, then looking down into his surprised eyes. She held him there for a moment, then let him stand again.
"What was that for?" Victor asked, looking confused.
"I think I know why you are unhappy," she concluded.
"Please, don't tell me again that I need a lover," Victor complained, "Everyone says that, but I'm not a good partner. I always…"
"I wasn't going to say you need a lover," Lilia snapped softly, making him pause and gaze at her questioningly.
"You weren't?" Victor asked.
"No, I wasn't."
Lilia thought for a moment, then she extended a hand, palm upward.
"Show me Eros."
It was in some of our lessons, when she was teaching me about how to come across the right way to the audience. Sometimes, in some dances, a man needs to look sexy and commanding…Eros.
He spun and danced towards her, taking her extended hand and pulling her to him, then he wrapped his arms around her and dipped her, letting his eyes darken and glaze slightly with pretend lust. Lilia sighed contentedly.
"That is a beautiful Eros," she complimented him, "Now, show me Agape.
Sometimes in performance, a man must surrender power and look vulnerable.
Victor's eyes softened with love and longing, and his movements changed to underscore the feeling as he danced the next sequence. As he came to the end, Lilia grabbed him again and dipped him, then looked into his widened eyes searchingly. She raised him slowly and studied him quietly for a moment.
"You need to find someone who can meet you in both ways," she concluded.
Victor gave her an even more confused look and Lilia gave a deeper, more impatient sigh.
"You need to fully embrace Eros and Agape…and you need to find someone else who does this too," the aged dancer chided him.
Victor felt an odd tickle in his insides and his blue-green eyes registered understanding.
"Good," Lilia said approvingly, "Now, I can see that you have something in your mind. Go and think about it."
"But we barely got to dance at all," Victor complained, "It's fun dancing with you."
Lilia shook her head firmly.
"You need to think about this before it slips out of your head again. Just wear a good coat if you go running in the snow, okay? I don't want you really getting sick."
"Okay, I'll wear a coat," Victor laughed.
He sighed softly and embraced her for a moment.
"Thank you."
Lilia kissed him on the cheek.
"What are mothers for?" she chuckled.
The two looked at each other and laughed, then Victor left the studio and walked slowly back to the house. He took his time showering and dressing, then he headed home at a jog with Maccachin at his side.
Eros and Agape, he mused, picturing the two versions of himself in his head, I do understand them, but I don't know which one is more me. With women, I tend to be Eros. And maybe that is the problem. The girls who expressed interest in me always wanted that sexy person they saw in my programs on the ice, but the truth is, I can't be like that all of the time. I mean, it felt good when Sasha surprised me with a kiss, and I like the feeling of being dipped by a strong person.
I don't know if I want to be Agape, though. Agape is innocent, full of unconditional love. But people like that get taken advantage of. I don't know how well I would embrace Agape. Still, she said that I should explore both of them, and she's probably right.
You know…I think…I hear…music.
He breathed slowly as he continued to jog, letting the feeling of Eros spread over him, then switching and feeling Agape seep in.
They both have their appeal. And when you put the two together, they really balance each other. Maybe I don't have to be one or the other. Maybe it's like Lilia said. Maybe there is someone who is like me…who is really that different at different times and wants that variety of being.
He reached his house and headed inside, where he fed Maccachin and made himself a mug of hot coffee and chocolate with more than a little peppermint liquor. He sat down at the table, slowly enjoying the hot beverage and continuing to consider. He had just finished when his cell phone rang. He touched the button to answer the call and instantly regretted it as Yakov's shouting voice filled the kitchen, making Victor wince and scrunch up his face at the noise.
"Vitya, where the hell are you? It's the day before we leave for Sochi and we have practice scheduled starting fifteen minutes ago. Get your ass down here. It's not like you don't need the practice."
"Sorry Yakov," Victor answered in a sincere tone, "I forgot about the time change for practice. I'll be there in ten minutes."
"I want you here ten minutes ago!" Yakov snapped.
"I'm on my way."
Victor ended the call and looked down at Maccachin with a perplexed expression.
"Now, why didn't I remember that we were having practice early today?"
He left the house with Maccachin on his heels and jogged quickly to the ice center, where he hurriedly put on his skates and entered the rink.
"Well, it's about goddamned time you showed up," Yuri Plisetsky nagged him as he began his warm up, "Not that either one of us is likely to face any challenge or anything, but if I have to come and get nagged to death by that old geezer, you should at least have to put up with him too."
"He's not so bad," Victor chuckled, smirking at his younger teammate, "besides, you need to work on your step sequence."
"Shut up about my step sequence!" Yuri shouted, using his toe pick to flick ice at Victor as he skated by, "It's not like it makes a difference."
"It should make a difference to you," Victor chided him, "You should always be trying to improve your scores."
"Why? A win is a win, so who cares?" Yuri huffed, skating away.
"Someone has some growing up to do," Victor sighed.
"Vitya, practice those transitions!" Yakov called out to him.
"Got it," Victor answered.
He gave a bored sigh and began to practice the requested transitions in his programs, then when Yakov turned away to speak to another skater, he broke off, his mind wandering back to the exchange that had happened at Lilia's mansion.
Eros? Or Agape? he wondered, I should use one for my next short program…but which? I can imagine both. Eros…sexual love…pleasure layered upon pleasure until you are drowning in it…
"Oh my!" Mila's voice said nearby, bringing Victor suddenly out of his reverie.
His feet stopped and he looked at the red-haired woman questioningly.
"Sorry," Mila giggled, "I didn't mean to interrupt you while you were working, Victor. Just, if you are going to keep doing that, you want to offer tissues to the women around here for the nosebleeds."
Maybe I should just perform Agape.