Chapter 7: Grand Prix Final of Tears – Free Skate

As morning approached in Sochi, Yuuri tossed and turned in his hotel room bed, his heart pounding and a thin, anxious sweat breaking out all over his body. It seemed as though his dinner from the night before refused to digest and it burned in a uncomfortable lump in his stomach. He had already tried listening to soothing music and meditation. He had tried grounding himself using his senses. But nothing seemed to relieve the upset that had taken over his body.

When his alarm went off, he dragged himself out of bed and took a hot, soothing shower, but even as the water tried to calm him, little unsettling thoughts worked at his already roiling mind. And even things that should have been good thoughts instead caused more anxiety. He tried recalling running with Victor the day before, but only remembered his awkwardness.

I have to stop this! I've got the public practice this morning, then the event tonight. I've got to focus and not be like this.

I'm not going to screw up.

I'm not!

Victor watched me skate in the short program event. I saw him, standing by the rink, watching me and smiling. He didn't look like he thought I shouldn't be there. He looked happy to see me there. More than anything now, I want to see Victor's happy face while he watches me skate. I have to shut out everything else and just think of skating for Victor.

He didn't feel particularly good, but he forced down a large breakfast before putting on his workout clothes and waiting on the bed for his coach's tap on the door to tell him it was time to leave. It was cold outside, but the snow had stopped falling. Yuuri stayed close to Celestino's side as they arrived at the venue and walked inside. Immediately, the two were met by press, asking him how he felt and how he thought things would go.

"I feel good this morning," he lied through his teeth, "I feel ready. I'm going to go out there and do my best today."

It's not the interviews that scare me. I don't know exactly what it is. I love the costumes and the programs. I love the lights and the music and the applause. Yes, I love to skate, so why does this happen? Why do my nerves act up like this? None of the other skaters look nervous.

He looked around the rink as he practiced alongside the others.

Michele Crispino and his sister look excited. Cao Bin looks focused. J.J. never looks anything but confident. Chris Giacometti looks like he'll melt the ice when he skates on it. And Victor…well, Victor looks poised and graceful. He's smiling at everyone and laughing and talking. He doesn't look like he would ever be anxious about performing. And it's not that he never makes a mistake. It's just that Victor is Victor. He'll earn a great score and he'll win.

Me…?

"Yuuri, why are you daydreaming?" Celestino chided him, good naturedly, "Don't be so distracted by the others. You are ready for this. You are going to do fine."

"R-right," Yuuri agreed.

"Now, let's go through the step sequence."

"But, that's not what I mess up on," Yuuri objected, "Shouldn't I practice the jumps?"

"You need to calm down and focus. The step sequence," he coach insisted.

It did help some to move in the graceful steps that were so familiar and to hear the spectators and other skaters making comments about how good his moves were. His spins, too, earned him attention and praise that bolstered him even more. But even though his jump practice, too, went well, his anxieties returned in full force as soon as practice ended and he was alone again. He overate at lunch and felt sick to his stomach from that and from the stress, so that he was barely able to hold himself together when the time came to leave for the competition.

Yuuri put on his costume and covered the top with his jacket, then he met Celestino in the hotel lobby and the two walked over to the rink. He kept a set of earbuds in his ears and let his coach talk to the press, while he focused his attention on warming up and keeping a cap on his nerves. Still, they nagged at him relentlessly, even with all he tried to control him. And before it was even his turn, he felt shaky and too cold, even with his jacket on. He clenched his jaw, forcing his breaths to slow, and he didn't watch the two skaters before him.

When Celestino called him for the walk out to the rink for his turn, his legs were shaking under him and his heart pounded so that he thought it might burst. He forced a tight smile and made his way to the ice, stepping on and gliding out to the middle. As he waited for the music to start, he caught sight of Victor, dressed in his red and white runner jacket and watching through those friendly, smiling blue-green eyes.

He's watching me again. I have to do my best. I want Victor to see how, for all of these years, he has inspired me. I've waited so long to skate on the same ice as Victor. I need to nail this performance to show everyone that I belong here with Victor.

The music began and he did move gracefully through the opening, then he executed a lovely spin that got the audience clapping. He turned and positioned himself for his first jump and threw his body into the air. Yuuri was sure that the jump had the proper height and good speed, but as he came down into the landing, somehow his foot wasn't placed correctly, and the next thing he knew, he crashed down, onto the ice.

Oh god, no!

Not here.

Not like this.

Not in front of him!

He was on his feet again immediately and he picked up the rhythm again, turning out a perfect step sequence that got his spirits up again.

It was one bad jump. I still have the combination jumps and quad at the end. I'll be okay. I might not get a medal, but I'm not out of it yet.

He managed a clean combination jump, but as he moved to execute his triple loop, his body tensed, throwing off his timing, and he crashed down again.

Damn it!

He jumped up again and kept moving, but his body felt like lead and he could barely hear the music anymore over the raging hiss of disappointment in his head. He went into another jump and in the middle of it realized that Victor had turned away and was talking to Chris Giacometti.

What must he think, seeing me making such a mess of my one chance to skate in front of him? I look stupid. I look clumsy. I look like I never should have been chosen to come here and perform with them. I'm an idiot for thinking I could do this.

Yuuri managed to keep going, despite the heaviness in his body and his aching heart, and he even landed his quadruple toe loop relatively well. But the damage was done, and it was all he could do to stay on his feet as the program ended and, even though he knew he didn't deserve it, the audience applauded his effort.

It was awful.

I feel humiliated.

I just want to get out of here.

He left the ice and waited in the kiss and cry, bowing his head and not wanting to look as the scores were announced and shown.

Last place.

I'm in last place with the three top seeded skaters still waiting to go. They're not going to choke. I know they'll all outscore me. I came all of the way here and I failed.

I failed myself.

And I failed Victor.

He found a bench and sat down, putting his face in his hands as Celestino tried to comfort him. But nothing would bring him out of the funk he'd gone into…until he heard Victor's music begin.

Yuuri left Celestino looking after him, and he walked back to the edge of the rink.

This is my one and only chance to see Victor close up, performing his program. No matter that everything else went wrong, I'm going to enjoy this one thing.

Out on the ice, Victor danced for everyone, each move perfectly executed, his spins beautiful and his jumps flawless. But although it all looked so lovely to everyone, Victor ached with loneliness inside.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. With all of the odd dreams and the way my emotions keep bouncing around. I'm fine sometimes, but sometimes I'm not. I don't know why, but I felt like I was close to finding an answer of some kind. Yes, I felt like I was close to it, then that feeling faded away and I feel like this again.

I feel empty.

And how can I be doing something I love to do, in front of thousands of fans who love and support me. We are all here, and I am turning in a perfect performance in front of them.

And I still feel empty.

What is wrong with me?

Why do I feel so sad right now?

He made a turn and spotted the Japanese skater, Yuuri Katsuki, standing by the rink and watching him through teary, but mesmerized eyes.

It's sad that Yuuri's nerves got the best of him and he skated poorly today. Is that what got me down? Seeing him fail after working so hard to get here? I don't like seeing that happen to my competitors. Competition is fun when we're all trying hard and giving our best performances. It's heartbreaking, though, when someone has a bad time like that, and I get affected by their emotions. Strangely, the bad emotions don't hurt my performance. And right now? Knowing that Yuuri is feeling so bad, I only want to take his mind off of that and make him happy.

He is smiling a little.

Chris said that I have been Yuuri Katsuki's inspiration. I wonder if, by skating this program for him, I can inspire him to keep trying.

There will be other days, Yuuri Katsuki, and other competitions. What you failed at today, you can succeed in tomorrow. Look at me and let go of what happened tonight. Let my performance enchant you so much that you forget the sadness.

Stay with me.

Stay close to me.

As he made the last moves, Victor heard rising cheers and saw the audience coming to their feet. It was happy and it was sad to watch. He looked back to where Yuuri had been standing, but the Japanese boy was gone, and Victor's heart sank a little for him. He skated to the kiss and cry and smiled, as was expected. But even seeing his highest scores yet did nothing to raise his spirits.

I don't know why this is getting to me so much.

Victor was quiet as the podium was prepared, and he skated out to take his place in the center. He barely heard the applause, but he never lost his winning smile, and he didn't fail to show his appreciation for the love that was all around him. He didn't see Yuuri anywhere around, and he wasn't sure why he even looked, or that it mattered.

Victor and the others returned to the preparation area, and he noticed that Yuuri's things were gone from where they had been, and he and Celestino were nowhere to be seen.

"What a fucking loser," Yuri Plisetsky's disgusted voice complained, "He comes all of the way here and does a shitty job in front of everyone."

Victor sighed.

That's right.

Yuri looks up to Yuuri Katsuki, even though he doesn't say it. We all have our influences. Yuri is training with me all of the time, so he's grown used to me. I don't inspire him, but Yuuri does. It makes Yuri mad when his inspiration disappoints him.

"You should be more worried about your own performance, Yuri," Yakov scolded the youth, "You are lazy in training. You never listen to what I say. I should have dropped you as a student."

"Knock it off, old man!" Yuri shouted back, "Why are you bitching at me, when I won?"

"You may have won, but you looked sloppy."

"I did not!"

"Don't yell at him, Yakov," Victor intervened.

"You stay out of this, Victor!" Yakov snapped.

Victor shook his head and fell in with Yuri as they headed out of the rink. They passed through a set of doors and Victor gave Yuri a little, encouraging pat on the shoulder.

"Don't listen to Yakov. You did well tonight…although your step sequence could use a little flair."

"I won, didn't I? So, who really cares?" Yuri said in a snarky voice, making Yakov turn and start scolding him again.

Victor stood back, quietly enduring Yakov's tirade and Yuri's sullen retorts.

It's the same thing with them, all of the time. I wonder why they put up with each other. It seems like they'd both be happier if Yuri just got another coach. God, I just want to go and relax for a little while. Well, at least, the banquet tonight should be fun. It's always great to let down and have fun with the other skaters. I wonder if Yuuri will be…

Victor felt a little flicker of his senses, telling him that someone was watching him, and he caught a bit of movement out of the corner of one blue-green eye.

"Huh?" he mused softly, turning to look.

Yuuri Katsuki?

Victor broke into a wide, friendly smile.

"Want to get a photo?" he asked cheerfully, "Sure thing."

He might have expected the Japanese boy to blush, or even to be a little nervous accepting. It might have made sense for Yuuri to be flustered. But surprise filled Victor's mind and he stared, barely comprehending as Yuuri's eyes widened and filled with what looked like terror at being noticed by him.

What's wrong with him?

Why is he looking at me like that?

For a breathless moment, the two gazed at each other, frozen and uncomprehending. Then, Yuuri gave Victor a humiliated look and turned his back, walking away and leaving the Russian skater looking after him in dismay…then sadness.

He had a rough time of it.

It's been a very long time since something like that happened to me, but I wish I could tell him that it happens to all of us.

Don't give up, Yuuri.

I know that if you work hard and you keep trying, we will meet here again.

"Well, are you coming or not?" Yuri snapped, making Victor blink as he came out of the haze he'd gone into.

Yuri watched as the Japanese Yuuri walked away with his head down.

"Loser!" he hissed.

"Yuri, be nice," Victor chided him, "Everyone has bad days. Even you do."

"That wasn't a goddamned bad day," Yuri huffed, "That was an insult to the sport. He should just give up and go back home and find something else to do, because he's a failure at this, and he knows it. There's no excuse for doing so poorly like that."

"You're a fine one to be talking," Yakov grouched, "With your laziness and your attitude, you're going to be screwing up when you…"

Victor tuned out the noise and followed silently back to the hotel. He headed up to his room, still oddly troubled by the scene back at the ice rink.

I don't know why I'm not happier. I did win, and my score was even higher than usual. I remember I was thinking of Yuuri and how he must be feeling after having such a hard time. I'm not sure why that, of all things, stuck in my mind, but when I skated tonight, I felt like I was skating for him. I saw him watching with that sad, but mesmerized expression…like he was both loving and hating every moment.

I have to stop thinking about this.

A tapping on his door brought him out of his thoughts and he found himself smiling.

Chris.

He'll liven things up.

He opened the door and found Masumi and Chris already dressed in their suits. Chris smirked at him and tilted his head questioningly.

"Why aren't you dressed yet?" he asked, "Aren't you looking forward to tonight?"

"Of course I am," Victor chuckled, "I just got here."

"Oh yes, I'm sure you were held up by interviews and all."

"No, I wasn't…"

"Well, we need to get you into your suit. Come on. This will be fun. We're always the life of the party."

"Okay," Victor laughed, "I'm going. Don't rush me."

"Yes, we can't rush perfection, can we?" Chris gushed, "Masumi, did you see Victor's dancing tonight? Victor, you were inspired! And wasn't that a personal best…?"

"On this free program," Victor agreed.

"Though it didn't break your world record free skate score."

"Well, nobody's perfect, right?"

"You are, darling!" Chris assured him, "Now, go and get dressed quickly. We don't want to miss all of the fun, do we."

"Never that," Victor agreed.

He found his suit in the closet and stepped into the bathroom to change. He let his runner jacket slide off of his shoulders and laid it on the counter, then took off the rose and black costume beneath it, placing the pieces carefully on a hanger and setting the costume aside as he dressed in the grey suit. He ran a comb through his hair and looked a final time to be sure he looked acceptable, then he left the bathroom and carried his costume and jacket out to hang in the closet.

"You look tasty!" Chris said approvingly, "Doesn't he look delicious, Masumi?"

"You look great," Masumi chuckled, good naturedly.

"Well, thank you both," Victor said gratefully.

"Oh, you are so getting laid tonight!" Chris giggled.

"I am not," Victor laughed, "I'm not interested at all in that, and you know it."

"Sure, he's not interested," Chris said agnostically, "You need very badly to get laid…a lot."

"That is the last thing I need," Victor said primly, "But…I have no objection at all to getting very drunk and dancing a lot."

"I'm all for that," Chris agreed, "Let's go!"

The three headed out of the room and met Yuri Plisetsky in the hallway. Victor grinned at his younger teammate.

"You look so cute!" he gushed.

"Shut up," Yuri huffed, "Let's go already."

"Why are you so glum tonight?" Victor asked, "You won. You should be happy."

"Who can be happy with that old geezer nagging me all the way back here."

"Well, if you did what he said…"

"Ha!" Yuri snorted, "That's hypocritical, coming from you. When have you ever listened to that old man?"

"Pretty much never," Victor answered, smirking, "But then, I can ignore him because I already have four consecutive world championships under my belt. I can be a little eccentric. You, my friend, still have to earn your stripes."

"Get off my case!" Yuri said irascibly.

"Such a little hothead," Chris snickered.

The three stopped talking as they reached the banquet hall and headed inside, where the large room was already stocked with food and drink, and skaters and their coaches were gathering. Victor moved among the group, half focused on conversation, but slightly distracted. Still, he didn't miss the moment when Celestino arrived, half dragging Yuuri Katsuki into the room.

Oh my, Victor thought, this isn't good.

Yuuri…doesn't look well at all.