Chapter 10: The Agony of Ecstasy

Victor groaned and covered his head with his pillow, cringing as his alarm went off. He snaked a hand out to hit the off button and peeked out from under the pillow at Maccachin.

"I don't want to get up," he whimpered, "I'm not getting up."

Macca whined and nosed his way under the pillow to lick Victor's cheek.

"N-nooooooo," Victor groaned, "I don't want to. Just…go and let me sleep, Macca."

Maccachin's head tilted and he whined and dug under the pillow to nudge his whiny master.

"I'm not going to practice," Victor huffed in a sulky tone.

Maccachin barked and Victor scowled.

"All right. I'll take you out to do your business, but other than feeding you and taking you out for that, I'm not moving today."

He grabbed his cell phone and found himself looking in vain for a message from Yuuri Katsuki.

I don't know why I bother. He obviously wasn't interested in anything but making a show in front of everyone of seducing me. He made out with me and almost had sex with me, then he didn't even try to talk to me after.

Victor's expression darkened with sadness.

Maybe after losing so badly in the Grand Prix Finals, Yuuri just needed a way to defeat me.

Tears burned in the corners of his eyes, but he blinked them away stubbornly.

I have to stop thinking about him. Yuuri doesn't want me. It was all just a mistake. He was just…

Maccachin whined more urgently, making Victor sigh as he dragged himself to his feet and headed outside. As the old poodle sniffed around, then relieved himself, Victor dialed the number of the ice rink.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Anya, it's…"

"Hi Vitya," the girl on the line greeted him, "what's up?"

"Oh, I'm not feeling well today," Victor said with a slight groan in his voice, "Will you pass on to Yakov that…?"

"Oh, he just walked in," Anya said cheerfully, "Here, you can tell him yourself."

"Oh no, that's not…" Victor stammered, wincing as Yakov's growling voice came onto the line.

"What do you want, Vitya? Why are you not just calling my cell? You have the number."

"I know. I just…I don't feel well," Victor groaned dramatically, "I must have hit the wrong button or something and called the desk instead. Sorry, I won't be in today."

"What?" Yakov snapped, "Do you think you can just take it easy or something? Russian nationals are…"

"I know. I know," Victor moaned in an agonized voice, "Just leave me alone today. I'll be there tomorrow. I promise. I swear."

He didn't wait for an answer, but ended the call before the old man could continue yelling at him.

"Okay," he sighed, watching as Maccachin scraped his feet on the backyard grass and walked back inside while Victor cleaned up the mess the old dog left behind, then followed him in, "I'm going back to bed now."

He crawled in, under the covers, wearing a sulky expression and failing to fall asleep as hard as he tried for the next hour. With a bored sigh, he turned on the TV and found he did drift off. But he didn't sleep for long before he heard the house alarm chime as his front door opened and closed.

What? Did Yakov come already? Usually, he comes later.

"Vitya," Lilia's voice called from the front entry, "Sweet boy, are you home?"

"I'm in the bedroom," Victor called out in a discomfited voice, "Did Yakov make you come?"

He heard Lilia laugh and then the elder woman appeared in his bedroom doorway.

"Do you have your pants on?" she teased.

"Mmhmm," Victor sighed, moving over and making room for her to sit on the edge of the bed, "I had to take Macca out earlier. The neighbors don't appreciate it if I walk around naked outside."

"Then, they are idiots," Lilia said, touching his face and hair soothingly, "Your body is a work of art. They are lucky to look at you with or without clothes."

"You're just trying to make me feel better."

"You should feel better. I came all of the way here, dropping everything to see you. And I find you like this? Curled up and hiding from everyone? And why? Yakov said he was told it was over a boy. What did that ungrateful wretch do? I'll have him killed for hurting you."

Victor bit his lips to try to stop the smile that tugged at them.

"You don't have to go to such lengths. Besides, I would only be more sad if you did."

Lilia gave him a skeptical look and took his hand in hers.

"Vitya, what does this boy have that he cuts your heart like this?" she asked, frowning, "I, of all people, know that you are wise enough not to give your heart too easily to someone, but here you are all deflated and almost crying in my arms. What kind of monster is this boy who did this to you?"

Victor drew a snuffling breath, melting into tears as he answered.

"Perfect Eros and a perfect Agape."

Victor sat up and leaned against her shoulder, looking out at the falling snow.

"He is innocent as that new snow by day, then you just add a party, his depression and a lot of alcohol and…his Eros emerged."

"It sounds a little like a nightmare," Lilia said critically, "I hope he minded his manners with you and didn't just maul you. I would have to have him ritually sacrificed."

"He didn't maul me," Victor said more softly, staring intently out at the snow, "He just…seduced me completely with his smile and his laughter and the way he danced and the music seemed to come right out from his body. When he touched me, I could feel the vibration, the life in him. He wanted me to where it was an obsession, and with his inhibitions taken away, he just…"

"What?" Lilia demanded, scowling, "He just took what he wanted from you? He used you and dumped you? I'll…I swear I will…!"

"He asked me to come home with him to meet his family in Japan," Victor confessed, "He wanted me to go there and to be his coach. He would never have dared to say something like that to me if not for being very, very wasted. But, he did. He asked me that, and I was…shocked. I couldn't think…couldn't take a breath."

Lilia's aged eyes widened.

"Then, good god, boy! Why are you here and not with him? He makes you feel like that and you let him get away? Have you learned nothing from your father and me?"

Victor couldn't help the little giggle that escaped him.

"Well, you aren't really my parents."

"I know," Lilia sighed, patting his face, "Although I could bear a beauty like you, Yakov…er…no."

"That's not nice."

"I'm not nice," Lilia chided him, "but I am wiser than you, precious boy. I know how to keep love in a safe place. You need to go to this boy and answer him. That is what you need to do."

Victor let out a ragged breath and shook his head.

"After everything, I don't know if he wants me," he admitted.

"You don't know if he wants you?" the old dancer repeated incredulously, "You sit here and you tell me that he got drunk and with his barriers down, he seduced you? He what? He had sex with you?"

"No, we only made out and with a little of our clothes on," Victor corrected her.

"He dared to kiss your beautiful mouth," Lilia said in a lowered, husky tone, her eyes taking on a stern, lusty expression, "He put his hands all over you. He made you…?"

She paused, smirking at the sweat that had broken out on Victor's pale face at having the memory recalled so vividly.

"He made you dizzy for him," she relented.

"Yes."

Her hand touched his chest, then she pulled it back and looked at it almost accusingly.

"You react like this, even when you worry he might not want you?" she asked, "Vitya, all of this makes no sense. If that is how it was with you, the boy clearly loves you. What under the stars convinced you that he didn't?"

"Ah," Victor managed shakily, pulling free of her and taking the crumpled note from his nightstand where he'd kept it since returning home, "this."

Lilia gave him a mystified look.

"I left this note for him after I made sure he was comfortable for the night and left him. I told him I liked him and wanted to see him again. I gave him my number and I waited for him to call. He never did. I didn't despair then. I went to his room, but he was already gone. There was this cleaning lady who was emptying the trash, and that note was crumpled up and thrown away."

Lilia took the note from Victor's hand and studied it for a moment.

"The sentiment is beautiful," she commented, "Your words would melt anyone."

"They would if he could understand them," Victor sighed raggedly, "He is Japanese. I wrote the note in Russian. And because of this, I don't know if it was ignorance or a rejection. I would go to Japan right now and throw myself at his feet, but…it would be too humiliating if it was that he didn't want me."

Lilia sat, staring at him with a dumbfounded look, then she dropped her face into her hands for a moment before grabbing him and holding him against her almost crushingly.

"Poor thing, you are just like your idiot almost father," she sighed, rubbing his back as he cried silently into her shoulder, "You are a genius on the ice, an angel in the bedroom, but you have no goddamned idea what you are doing when it comes to love, do you?"

"No," Victor confessed, "That's why everyone always leaves me."

"Well," the old dancer said, pulling back slightly to brush the tears from his face, "don't forget that you also got some things from me, your almost mother. And one of those things is that you don't give up easily. So, even though you don't want to be humiliated, you will find a way to reach out to this boy and bring him back to you."

Victor gave her a confused look.

"How do I do that?" he asked.

"Well, you got his attention before with your beautiful dancing on the ice. You have nationals in front of you and the European Championships. Then, in a couple of months, you may see him at worlds. It is in Japan, da?"

"It is," Victor affirmed, fresh hope coming into his damp eyes, "Do you think he will go?"

"He went to the Grand Prix Finals. He is a good skater, isn't he?"

"Eh, when he's not nervous. I suppose he could be there for worlds."

"Then, put this out of your mind and just focus for now on your training," Lilia advised him, "If you love this boy and he loves you, and if your skating is what drew him to you, then there is every reason he will come back to you and you will have another chance at this."

Lilia's expression grew stern again and she smacked Victor smartly on top of the head.

"Ow!" he complained, "What was that for? You never hit me!"

"It is like swatting a dog for doing his business in the wrong place."

"You don't do that either," Victor objected, "Dogs don't learn from that."

"Apparently, neither to very stupid humans," Lilia said dryly.

"Hey!"

"Okay, it is like smacking your almost father for doing something stupid like he does every day."

"Ah…" Victor said, rubbing the slightly stinging spot of the assault.

"Listen to me. We will fix this. You forget him for now and focus on training and competition, then you go to Japan for worlds. You look for this boy. And this time, you tell the fool in English that you love him!"

"But, what if…?"

"Uh-uh," Lilia said scathingly, "There is no what if. If fate gives you a second chance with this boy who leaves you so flustered and such a mess, you will take it. Are we clear?"

"Um…?"

Lilia gave him a look of warning and Victor let out a long sigh.

"All right," he agreed, "If we meet again…if fate gives us a second chance, then I will take it."

"Good boy," Lilia said, petting his hair tenderly and hugging him, "Now, you get your skates on and go to practice, okay?"

"But Yakov will yell at me for being late," Victor complained.

Lilia gave a sarcastic, evil laugh.

"You leave that to me. Get your skates and go."

She watched with affectionate eyes as Victor chose his workout clothes and went into the bathroom to change.

"Foolish boy," she sighed, "What are your almost father and I going to do with you?"

XXXXXXXXXX

Victor left the house with Maccachin on his heels, and he jogged slowly, letting his body warm up while he headed for the ice rink. He arrived a short time later and sat down in the preparation area, looking around until he found Yakov, watching Yuri Plisetsky skating. The old man seemed to feel he was being watched, and he turned his head and scowled very slightly. Victor marveled for a moment at his restraint as he decided what to say.

"Good. You are here. You will do warm ups, then you practice your free skate. Concentrate especially on your transitions and your spins."

Relieved at not being yelled at, Victor's heart lightened, and he stepped onto the ice and began a slow, gentle warm up.

I remember, growing up, there was nothing that I loved more than skating. There was nothing I needed, but my skates and the ice. I could imagine the arenas, then people cheering, the bright costumes and thrilling music…everything but the feel of my skates and the sound of them sweeping along the ice. That part had to be real.

My days began and ended with ice, and dancing and music. I lived and breathed it, and my life was all about it. While everyone around me…my friends and my brothers and sisters were focused on school and having fun and dating, I was already married to the ice and I couldn't be separated from it.

I am sure I missed out on some things, but I really don't regret it was like that. I still love skating…although it is not all that I love in life.

Not anymore.

Victor finished his warm ups, then he heard his free skate music start, and he began to skate the program as his thoughts continued.

For the last twenty years, I dreamed every day of being on top of the world, and when I got to the top of the world, I dreamed of winning more world championships than anyone had. I am on the verge of that right now, and strongly favored to do so. I wonder if that is the reason I have begun to feel so restless. I thought it was that I was insecure about growing older and being nearer and nearer to the end of my career as a figure skater.

But, I don't think that the answer is so simple.

For all of this time, I have set goals and as I reached them, I set new ones. For the past year, I have been sure that it was time to set another goal for myself, but I wasn't sure what that goal should be. I am still not sure, but when I was dancing with Yuuri and we had that evening together, I felt like all that I was dreaming of was suddenly closer, and more defined. Yuuri's hands felt like fate touching me and pulling me closer. The setback after was disappointing, but I see now that it wasn't the end. I feel new energy, new determination and a new path that wants to open in front of me. I just have to be patient and keep my eyes open, so that when the opportunity comes, I will be ready.

Victor continued to move gracefully with the music, unaware that he was moving in perfect time with Yuuri's body as the Japanese skater trained alone on a quiet rink in Detroit. The music played in their ears and moved through their dancing bodies, connecting them, even though neither was aware.

And as the music ended, each man stood alone and quiet, shadow-eyed and lonely, but not defeated.

It's not over, they thought together, Someday, we will meet on the ice again.

It will happen.

It will.

I will make it happen!