Chapter 11: Alone Together

(Thanks so much to everyone reading and reviewing! I appreciate the love and feedback so much. We're almost to the end of the story. I might be able to finish next chapter. I guess we'll see. Love to all, Spunky)

Yuuri gave a bored sigh as he contemplated the last few questions on the last of his final college exams. He rested his chin on the palm of one hand and looked out the window of the classroom at the overcast sky. He thought that maybe, in the dark clouds, he could see the slender, beautiful form of his favorite male figure skater, dancing to the sound of the wind that swirled the mist around his graceful body.

I keep looking back and now I'm sad, not just because I failed at both the Grand Prix Finals and now the Japanese Nationals, which means I won't qualify for the Four Continents or worlds. I'm sad because I feel like that was my one shot at meeting Victor and showing him how his wonderful skating changed my life.

I wanted to make him happy.

For some reason, to say or do something and to see his face light up, just for me…I really, really wanted that. Instead, he heard the stories about how he's been my inspiration. He watched as I skated and I totally crashed and burned in front of him. Then, I insulted him by turning my back and walking away, when all he was doing was trying to be nice and cheer me up. All I could feel was my own humiliation. I didn't think at all about him. I'm thinking about him now, and I wish I could go back.

But going back isn't an option.

I don't even know if skating anymore is an option. I've finished college and I've ended things with Coach Celestino. My permission to stay in the USA will end when I graduate, so…I guess the only thing to do now is to go home and consider my options. I'm glad I had some time here in Detroit before going back. I couldn't look at the news after nationals. I didn't want to hear people talking about me, not even the ones trying to be kind. I just wanted to disappear. It was fine here at school. I don't know too many people anyway, because I really don't talk to anyone much but Phichit. He's been great about everything. I feel sad to go, but I can't think of what to do now. So, I've just been skating for fun and relaxation…for me. I skate Victor's free skate almost perfectly now and someday, I want to show him that, just to say I'm sorry for disappointing him and myself that first time.

Yuuri sighed again and turned his attention back to his exam, working quietly to finish the last of it as the minutes counted down. He handed in his paper and left the building, stopping in the drafty hallway to put on his coat and gloves. He took his time walking back to the dormitory, daydreaming as he went about being in Victor's presence, hearing his idol's voice, catching his pleasant scent in the air as he passed, feeling the warmth of Victor's hand through their gloves as the Russian helped him up after a fall in practice.

I should have said hello to him at the airport when he greeted Celestino as we arrived. I should have told him right away how glad I was to be there. I know now how friendly Victor really is to everyone. He and I probably would have talked more. I would have been able to tell him about home and how he inspired me to become a figure skater.

I should have gone out into the hallway when I heard him talking out there…or invited him in when he mistakenly knocked on my hotel room door. I should have asked him if he wanted to go and get some coffee after we ran together at the track. We could have gotten to know each other better. I know I've read everything that the magazines have printed about him, and I've watched every single interview, but I'm sure there are things I would have learned about him that would have been a surprise. Victor likes to surprise people.

Yeah…

There must be a hundred things I would change, but I think that the one I most wish I could change is how I turned my back on him when he offered to take a photo with me. Things may not have turned out the way I wanted, but I did get to meet him. I got to skate on the same ice as he did. I got to hear his voice and see his beautiful smile, close up. I got to feel Victor's hand taking hold of mine and I got to skate both of my programs right in front of him. At least, during the short program, I was so thrilled he was right there, watching me.

Victor was everything I imagined he would be…and he was more.

Damn it!

I should have shown him my appreciation by being more than he expected too.

Yuuri stopped as he reached the dormitory, and he stood, looking up at the building and seeing Victor's lovely reflection in all of the windows.

What am I going to do now?

What can I do?

XXXXXXXXXX

Victor worked quietly on the ice, listening to the two different themes in his mind and moving to each in turn. First, he embraced the wildness and lust of Eros, recalling as he skated, the moves that Yuuri Katsuki had used while drunk dancing after crashing at the Grand Prix final. His heart fluttered and he felt a little flush on his cheeks as he remembered the feeling of the Japanese skater's strong arms wrapping around him and how he felt through their clothing how aroused Yuuri was.

He bit his lip to make the image go away, and he tried instead to work on the more innocent and pure Agape program. But even then, he saw Yuuri looking at him through wide, scared looking eyes as the young man had almost every time they had encountered each other.

Those two sides of him are just so very different, Victor mused inwardly, Eros and Agape. God, I have to get him out of my mind. He's not even going to be at worlds. He failed again at the Japanese nationals, so he won't be there. I barely even know him. We hardly said anything to each other, and he looked mortified when I offered to have a photo with him. I wonder if I did something wrong. I was trying to cheer him up, but it seems like I only made things worse. And now, it seems like that one competition could be the only time we ever get to cross paths. I heard that he quit with his coach and he's going back to Japan. I guess he's retiring? Although, there's been no official word.

I wonder if Yakov would kill me if I left and went to Japan to talk to him about it.

What am I thinking? Of course he would. There's no time with the European Championships in a few days, and after that, he'll have me working day and night for worlds. Damn it, just no room for that.

But…Yuuri might not like me being the one to talk to him. I just made things worse last time. And if he knew that I flew to Japan just to see him, he might think I was crazy or something. Although, I have been wondering why he never tried to contact me after the banquet. I mean, even if he didn't understand the message I left, we did make out. I wonder if maybe I did something wrong there too. I did refuse to go all the way, but he didn't seem to mind then. I'd hate to think he was like the ones who go after me, just to get me into bed.

No.

Yuuri isn't that kind of person. He's shy and anxious, except when you add alcohol. Then, he's sexy and confident. Ah! I love remembering how he danced like that. I was laughing when he danced with Yurio and got him flustered. Then, I was almost jealous when he danced on the pole with Chris. But when he grabbed me and made me dance with him, I was delighted. I was enchanted. I was in heaven.

Victor caught himself giggling out loud and cleared his throat as he continued to skate.

I get dizzy when I think of him grinding against me the way he did while he was asking me to go to Japan to be his coach. But, if he really wanted that, wouldn't he have tried, at least, to get word to me? Was he waiting for me to make the next move? I don't understand. I don't know what to do now, any more than I know whether to pick Eros or Agape! Now, all of the moves I make for those two programs are about him…about Yuuri. I can't think of anything else. I just want to…

"Vitya!" Yakov shouted, bringing him out of his reverie, "What are you doing? With that hodgepodge of moves, you look like you can't make up your mind about what you want to practice."

Victor slid to a stop and shook his head.

"That's just it. I can't decide," he admitted.

"Huh," the older man huffed, "Well, at least you're making progress on both, I suppose."

"You look like shit!" Yuri Plisetsky interrupted as he skated by, "I don't know how you keep winning competitions. Idiot!"

"He keeps winning because at least he takes some care in practice!" Yakov snapped, "You would do better if you were more like that."

"Thank you," Victor snickered.

"Be quiet, pick one thing to work on and practice!" Yakov scolded him.

Victor sighed and tuned out whatever followed. He turned and skated away from Yakov, trying to get the Japanese Yuuri out of his head, but his mind wouldn't stop replaying the wild drinking and dancing, then stumbling upstairs and getting dragged into Yuuri's bed for a tantalizing exchange of hungry kisses, caresses and so much heavy grinding.

His mouth tasted so good and was soft, like silk. He was awfully good with his tongue, even though I'm sure I heard that he never had a girlfriend or went to bed with a guy. It's like all of the time he was watching my skating, he was getting to know my body, so when he put his hands and mouth on me, he knew just how to undo me.

God, I should have let him fuck me.

But the thought left him feeling even more lonely and abandoned.

Was it really necessary to hold onto my pride like that? I mean, it still feels like shit to have him leave and never contact me again, but now, I missed out on having what would have been wonderful sex with him. I know it would feel bad to do it and have him leave me, but now I feel bad that he left and I feel bad that we didn't do it.

I want him so much!

"VITYA, FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Yakov roared.

Yanked out of his thoughts, Victor stopped immediately and looked around the rink. Yakov appeared to be in a sweat like he had a fever, Yuri Plisetsky was making a goggle-eyed face that looked like something had finally left him speechless. Mila wore a beautiful, sexy smirk and the rest of the skaters were hung here and there at the edges of the rink, looking almost rabid with lust.

"Er…sorry?" he offered.

Mila giggled.

"That would be some program," she mused playfully, "I think you would give the judges a heart attack."

"Vitya, get the hell off the ice, go get drunk and…and get your frustrations out, but never dare to come here and do something like that in front of everyone again. We have standards of decency!"

"But, my clothes are on," Victor argued, looking down at himself and frowning.

"You idiot!" Yakov seethed, "That's the only reason we're all still breathing. Get the hell out of here!"

"You don't have to shout," the silver-haired skater said, giving his coach an offended look, "I'm going."

Relieved to be able to go home, he hurriedly removed his skates. He didn't stop at the bar on the way, but jogged home and hurriedly let Maccachin out before flopping down on his bed and diving right back into his thoughts.

It's good to finally be alone. I just need to remember how it was with us. I need to recall how his mouth was so soft, but it felt like he wanted to devour every inch of me.

He closed his eyes, lying down on his back and remembering exactly how it felt to be weighed down and held in place by Yuuri's sexy Eros. He felt the Japanese skater's plundering hands running all over him, as though not believing he was real, but still wanting and taking, rubbing and grinding, kissing and biting Victor's soft, pale skin.

There were marks on my skin after, but they've faded away.

It's a pity.

I like the little twinge of pain when I touched them after. It reminded me he had been there, stroking and licking, biting down and sucking, leaving something to let everyone know that my flesh was his playground.

Yuuri smelled so good…so sweet that it made me think of the cherry blossoms of his homeland. I've been there more than a few times…to Japan. It's beautiful and so different from Russia. Still, I never got to see much more than the airports, the hotels and the ice rinks. I barely have time for anything but practice and competition when I travel. I wish, for once, I could go somewhere to just relax…to just enjoy myself.

Victor let out an agitated breath and looked up at the white ceiling over his bed.

Of course, I can't because it's competition after competition after competition. I love skating, but…after almost twenty years now, I want to have something more in life. I want to fall in love. I want to really fall in love.

That's not so much to ask, is it?

Or maybe it is.

He felt a throbbing ache in his loins and looked down at the telling bulge in his pants. With a bored sigh, he slid a hand down to feed his sexual hunger as he closed his eyes and relived that short time that just seemed to invade his mind at every turn.

Maybe I should just go to bed with someone and try to get this out of my system. But the thing is, I think that I would just be disappointed, because it wouldn't be him. Why do I have to keep thinking about him? Is it because he rejected me? Is it that he hurt my pride and I can't take just sitting back and letting him do that and walk away? What is this fucking stubborn obsession that I have with that night, with that party, with that beautiful, beautiful Japanese boy? Is he like the food in that story I once read? Food that you eat just once, but you keep on craving it until it becomes a madness?

This is killing me!

He glared down at his now flaccid member in confusion.

What?

Now, I can't even pleasure myself? I'm so hung up on him that my body will respond to nothing else?

What can I do?

Victor drifted off into a discomfited sleep, still wondering, while thousands of miles away in Detroit, Yuuri Katsuki was just waking from poor sleep. He opened his still sleepy eyes and groaned as he looked at the clock.

I should still be sleeping, but it's hard to sleep when I can't stop thinking and regretting my mistakes. I can't even sleep well when I do nod off, because I see him in my dreams, and now that I've been in his presence, now that I've smelled his scent up close, heard his sexy, accented voice, felt the touch of his hand, I can't get him out of my head.

Victor Nikiforov…my dream and my nightmare.

He was everything I hoped for, but…I failed.

Humiliation gripped his insides and made his eyes flood with tears, and he was glad that Phichit was already up and gone to the ice rink to practice. It meant that he could cry unabashedly and let all of the pent up emotion leak out in large tears that rolled down his cheeks and dampened his pillow.

I'm so stupid, still crying over it when it's been a couple of months, he chided himself, Everyone's probably forgotten. Victor's probably forgotten that we ever met. And if I don't skate anymore, then it's all over.

I don't want it to be over.

"I don't want it to be over," he whispered in a trembling voice, "I want to skate on the same ice as Victor again."

He rubbed his eyes and sat up in his bed, gazing at the pictures of the handsome Russian skater that decorated his wall in the dorm room. Fresh tears rolled down his face and his fists clenched until they shook.

"I don't want it to be over!" he sobbed, "I have to skate with Victor again!"

He leaned forward, putting his face in his hands and letting the tears continue to fall until he was empty and quiet again.

It's strange, he thought, as the heavy emotion drained slowly from his body, I don't have any idea how it will happen, and all logic tells me that it won't…but…I just feel like there's got to be a way.

I'm going to skate with you again, Victor, and this time, you won't ever be able to look away!