Chapter 12: The Reflection of Love

Japan is such a beautiful country, Victor mused as his flight descended in preparation to land at the Japanese airport, maybe after worlds, I will go out and explore it a little. I need a vacation, and after this, the season will be over. I can relax…or, well, maybe a little. I am under some pressure because although I have my next free skate planned, I still can't decide which I like best…Eros or Agape, for the short program.

He sighed softly, his mind picturing the lovely Japanese skater who was now the embodiment of both choices.

Yuuri Katsuki.

I wonder if he came back to Japan. I heard he was planning to, since he ended things with Celestino, then I heard nothing more of him. I thought that maybe as time passed, I would slowly forget about how he made me feel when we had that time together at the Grand Prix Final banquet, and after, but even though time is passing, I still ache to go back there and to feel again what it was like when he danced with me like he did, when he put his hands on me…when he kissed and touched me like it was all he ever dreamed of and he didn't want to stop any more than I did.

I've never felt like that before, and I wonder if I ever will again.

Victor felt the plane touch down, and the rumble and bumping of the landing, and he sighed tiredly. When the plane came to a stop and the seatbelt light turned off, he unbuckled and stood, nodding absently as Yakov said something to him about a car waiting for them near the baggage claim. But as they found their luggage and exited the airport, a group of reporters stood waiting. Victor's face instantly lit with a charming smile and he gave them a wink of greeting.

I'm tired, he thought as he stood patiently and answered the reporters' questions about the championships, I'm not just physically tired either. I do love my fans. I would be nothing without them, but I have to push myself to do things like this when all I really want right now is to be in a hot bath, closing my eyes and dreaming about Yuuri Katsuki…although, since that door is closed, I have to do something.

God, I feel awful!

But it's just a couple of days. It's just two more performances, then…what? I go home. What's at home? Of course, there is Maccachin, and I also have to decide Eros or Agape. But…somehow, I want there to be more than that. After twenty years of focusing on nothing but skating, I want something else in my life too. Is that selfish? Is that wanting too much?

"Victor, do you have any thoughts to share about your plans for next season?"

Victor's fake smile warmed sweetly.

"I think it's best to focus on this season and leave next season a surprise."

If there is a next season.

His gloomy mood persisted as they took their leave of the reporters and headed for their hotel. Victor looked out the window, barely seeing the lovely scenery.

I never get to go and be a part of that anyway.

No.

I need to stop thinking that way.

"Vitya."

Victor blinked and turned his head to look at Yakov questioningly.

"What's troubling you?"

"What's…troubling me?" he repeated, frowning, "What do you mean? Did I say something wrong to the reporters or something?"

"No, you didn't say a thing wrong," Yakov assured him, "You were polite and friendly, just as expected…and you were completely faking it."

Victor gave his coach a perplexed look.

"Isn't that what you've always said I should do, whether I want to or not?" he asked.

"Yes, absolutely," the old coach agreed, "But, since when do you listen to a word that I say?"

"What? Yakov, I…!" Victor began to object.

"Stop. You know I'm right," Yakov persisted, "There is something bothering you and I think it's much deeper than whether to choose your Eros program or the Agape one. If there's something you need, then just tell me."

"That's just it," Victor sighed, looking out the window again, "I don't know what I need. Or maybe I do, but…"

"But what?" the old man demanded, looking at him quizzically, "Vitya, stop talking nonsense to me and tell me what you need. I am your coach. If you want a vacation, you can take one after worlds. If you want a partner to sleep with, I can arrange one."

"I don't need to sleep with anyone!"

"Of course you do. You're a young man, not old, like me. You should enjoy the pleasures of being young."

"Yakov, I don't need a lover!"

"Yes, you do!"

"Now you sound like Mom!" Victor complained.

"She's not your goddamned mother!"

"I know. I never get to see my own mother! I never see my family! I never leave Saint Petersburg, except for competitions!" Victor shouted, "I dress up in costumes and make people desire me, but no one gives a damn about what I feel or what I want! They want excitement and charm and they want a new surprise from me every season! I've given and given for years, and I'm just fucking tired!"

Victor went suddenly silent…shocked at the fact he'd been shouting while in a car with another person, and that, in addition to shouting, he was crying. He colored and lowered his eyes.

"Sorry," he said softly.

"You don't need to be sorry," Yakov sighed, "I thought that's what this was."

Victor sniffed and wiped the tears of frustration from his eyes.

"You know what's bothering me?" he asked wearily, "Then you're a goddamned genius, because I have no idea. So, tell me. What is wrong with me? Why am I tired all of the time? Why does it hurt to do the thing that I've always loved the most? Why am I being stupid and throwing tantrums like a spoiled child? Why can't I choose the theme for my short program? Why do I just want to be invisible right now?"

Yakov gave him a gentler look and Victor fell into his arms, hugging him tightly, while the old man patted him on the back, then touched the ends of his silvery hair lightly.

"You tell me," he said solemnly, "I think you can now."

Victor remained burrowed into the old man's shoulder, turning his head slightly so he could answer.

"I think I'm afraid," he admitted, "I love skating. I don't want it to end, but I know that it has to end sometime. And I've been thinking that, having spent the last twenty years doing just skating, I don't know what's going to happen when it all ends. If skating is all that I have, then what will be left when that's gone, Yakov?"

Yakov pulled free of him and gave him an affectionate look, patting him on the cheek.

"Stupid boy," he chided Victor gently, "skating isn't all that you have."

"What do you mean by that?" Victor asked, shaking his head, "What do I have? Outside of skating, only Maccachin loves me, and it's because I feed him and hug him all of the time, because I'm so lonely."

"Vitya," Yakov scolded him affectionately, "You have family. You have friends. You have a skill that you can share with other people. You are going to be fine. Don't worry so much. Get some sleep when we get to the hotel. Get yourself through worlds, and when we go home, we will take some time to figure this out together."

"I don't want to wait that long," Victor said sullenly.

"Well, that's too bad, because you are a skater. You skate when there is a competition. When that's over, you can take care of everything else. Now," he said as they arrived at the hotel, "Get your shit together. You have to focus on the competition."

Victor gave a ragged sigh and dragged himself out of the car, just in time to be surrounded by a sea of admirers and reporters. Instantly, his smile returned and he laughed and joked with the ones around him. Yakov watched quietly as Victor signed autographs and answered everyone's questions before heading into the hotel.

I understand, Vitya, he thought, you are sad that you are moving closer to the end of your skating career, and it is natural for you to be worried and sad sometimes. I will help you to not get discouraged. When worlds are over, I will start to introduce you to coaching. I think once you get your feet wet in coaching, you will worry less and you'll be able to enjoy the last years of your own skating career.

Don't worry, Vitya. I will be here for you.

XXXXXXXXXX

Yuuri sat quietly in his seat on the airplane as it carried him over the water, and back from Detroit to Japan.

After five years of working so hard to qualify for the Grand Prix Final, I had my shot and I failed. Not just at the finals, but then again in the Japanese nationals too. I don't really want to leave skating, but how can I compete if every time the pressure is on, I get overwhelmed like that? Celestino tried everything he could, but nothing worked. He tried all kinds of encouragement. He had me learn relaxation techniques, but I got so nervous, I could never make them work. Before I entertain any notion of returning to skating, I need to know what I can do to stop being overwhelmed when I compete.

Victor never looks the slightest bit nervous before a competition. He's always smiling and chatting happily with reporters. He stops in front of the stands and talks to his fans sometimes. His body always looks relaxed and flexible. And it's not like he never falls or makes a mistake, It's just that when he does, he knows how to quickly recover. He maintains his calm state, no matter what happens, so one missed jump or a mistake doesn't cause him to make more mistakes.

"Would you like a drink, sir?" a male flight attendant asked, moving the service cart slightly to let him see the options.

I've been gaining weight. I have to be careful if…oh, what's the use?

He selected several of the offered items and continued to stare out the window, eating and drinking absently and thinking about what he knew was taking place in Japan as he made his way home.

Right now, the men's short program competition is probably starting. Victor usually ends up performing in a later group, so he'll be in the preparation area, stretching and warming up, maybe practicing some of his moves. His coach complains that, although he talks to Victor before his performances, it seems like he doesn't hear a word Yakov says, and if he does, he just does what he wants anyway. He does it, and even his rebellious moves look beautiful, so his coach can't complain.

I wonder what's going through his mind now, while he waits for the other skaters to perform. Is he really always as calm as he looks, or does he sometimes have to hide what he's really feeling? When he's walking past people and they shout his name and call out questions, does he really enjoy the attention, or does even Victor sometimes feel anxious under that charming smile?

Why can't I be more like him?

If I think about it, I can almost see him…

…yeah…

Maybe it's his turn to skate right now, and he's stepping onto the ice as the skater before him awaits his score. Victor's calm and collected, even smiling as Yakov makes a last few comments. Victor's short program costume is navy blue with silver decorations. It looks great with his blue-green eyes and silvery hair.

He looks perfect…so very perfect.

Victor looks composed and beautiful as he stands there, ready to skate.

Yuuri drifted off to sleep as the plane flew over the water, carrying him back to Japan, where Victor Nikiforov stood on the ice, just as Yuuri had imagined him, waiting for his cue to begin. And as Victor skated, Yuuri dreamed of watching him up close again, seeing again the beauty and grace of the man who had become everything to him.

XXXXXXXXXX

Victor wasn't sure when he began to feel just a bit less alone. He was certainly alone on the ice, in his ready position and waiting for the music to begin. Of course, there were thousands of fans, cheering him on and supporting him, but for some reason, he realized he hadn't been able to enjoy their attention the way he had before.

It's because, out of all of the eyes in the world, the ones I want most to be seen by aren't seeing me. Everyone else looks at me, but to Yuuri Katsuki, I am invisible. It's such a frustration. I am left to wonder, did I do something wrong? Did I offend Yuuri? Did he just not like me? Why won't he look at me? Why doesn't he see me?

His music began, and Victor threw himself into the performance, pretending with all of his might that Yuuri Katsuki was out there somewhere in the audience, his lovely brown eyes locked on the Russian beauty who had been his lifelong inspiration. And if Yuuri was anxious at all about having made mistakes and lost at the Grand Prix Finals, Victor smashed the dark emotions swirling around him and refocused him with a series of brilliant dance steps and a breathtaking combination spin that left the announcers for the event almost speechless.

Victor's body moved without thought, and he held only one thing in his mind as he skated his short program.

This is where it all began, isn't it, Yuuri Katsuki? It all started with me skating and you watching and becoming mesmerized by me. That was the beginning. And if things have gone wrong, if we've gotten a little lost, this is where we need to go to find ourselves again. I will skate my best. My dancing on the ice lured you to me before, and I hope beyond hope that I can do it again. I'll throw myself in front of you. I'll keep setting records and doing new things, because if I do, maybe you will see that there's still that inspiration, that motivation that made you train for years, copying me and trying to be like me.

Yuuri, there's something I wish that I could tell you.

You don't have to be like me at all. You're beautiful the way you are. When I watched you skate your short program, I could see how much you love to skate. I could see the hard work you put in. I know you got nervous and you messed up your free skate. You got discouraged, but even though you failed, you can go back to where you started…where we started, and you can find your inspiration there.

I am still here.

I am still skating for you.

I will still surprise and inspire you.

Look at me, Yuuri. Look at me and really see me. And when you see me, let it make you want to be out here with me. Let it bring you back to the ice, so you can dance with me. And someday, we'll not just dance in our own programs. Someday, we'll step onto the ice and surprise everyone by skating together.

I can almost see it…

Victor realized suddenly that the music had ended and he was standing at center ice before a roaring crowd. He blinked in confusion, still halfway entrenched in his thoughts of that day he'd been dreaming of.

What happened?

I don't even remember making all of the moves. I was so deep in my thoughts, I just skated blindly, making the moves while my emotions ran wild.

"A masterful performance!" the reporter, Morooka shouted excitedly, "I think that was as close to perfection as we'll ever see."

"He certainly brought his best to the competition," said a second announcer, "and I'm sure we'll see that reflected in his score."

"You have to wonder what was going through Victor's mind as he skated," Morooka mused, watching the replay, "His eyes look so intense and his moves just look like he's dancing with a purpose."

"You can definitely see the determination that we've always known this skater to have. I'll tell you, whatever he was thinking, he's going to make it happen."

"Well, he stands to win a record setting fifth consecutive world championship if his free skate is even half as inspiring as what we just witnessed."

Victor bowed and smiled at the still cheering crowd, then he made his way to the kiss and cry and sat down beside an actually smiling Yakov.

"So, you found it?" the old coach asked, looking sideways at him, "You found something to keep you motivated?"

"I did," Victor said quietly.

Yuuri Katsuki, thank you.

Today, you inspired me.