Crossroads

By Kadi

Rated T

Disclaimer: It has never been my sandbox, but I do enjoy playing in it.

Chapter 2

While the others rose to leave, Picard and Riker remained. Kathryn pulled her chair back and sank into it. "You'll have to thank Commander Worf for me," she told the elder of the two Captains. "I know he was instrumental in brokering the deal with Chancellor Martok. If the Klingons hadn't agreed, I don't think President Bacco would have risked making diplomatic overtures at this point."

"I'll pass along your regards." Picard leaned back in his seat. "Worf still has some pull within the Empire, despite his resignation as Ambassador. The Klingons recognize that diplomats are necessary, but Martok understood that Worf preferred to be on the front lines."

"Rumor has it that he'll have that chance now?" Kathryn reached for her coffee cup and grimaced. It was cold by now. She put it aside with a sigh. "I heard that you've asked him to stay on as your new XO."

"Is he still thinking about it?" Riker knew the offer was going to be made, but hadn't heard anything further. The Captain had been otherwise occupied between his time spent with Deanna while they honeymooned, and later with getting Titan ready for deployment.

"He's agreed to accept the position temporarily, in an acting XO capacity, but I'm optimistic that I can convince him to remain." He tugged on the edges of his jacket to pull it down before crossing his legs and focusing on the Admiral. "I was concerned I might be replacing my Chief Engineer too. Commandant Jameson has been making the rounds. Fortunately for me, engineers are a unique breed; Geordi isn't willing to trust his ship to anyone else."

"Hm." Kathryn chuckled quietly. She folded her hands together in her lap. "That is something that I am incredibly familiar with. They allow us to think these ships are ours, but they are incredibly possessive of them… and protective. I can't begin to tell you the number of times that I was ordered off my own bridge and into a jefferies tube because Lieutenant Commander Torres needed an extra pair of hands and not just anyone would do." The truth was that the two of them had been all through that ship. They'd both had chaffed knees and scraped knuckles, and there wasn't a section of the ship they hadn't repaired over the years. If there was anyone she was willing to share custody of Voyager with, it was B'Elanna.

Riker looked incredulous. "Your Chief Engineer assigned you to a repair crew?"

"We didn't have the option of putting in to space dock in the Delta Quadrant, Will." She shrugged. "I don't think any of us really understand how many advantages we take for granted until we don't have them anymore."

"Who is Admiral Nechayev considering to replace Ellis?" Picard asked. He couldn't imagine there were many options at this point in the mission planning. He could think of a few alternatives, but he wasn't going to get involved in the inner workings of Starfleet Command, lest someone get an idea they shouldn't.

"Are either of you familiar with Jacob Paris?" The information wasn't privileged, and she was sure that she could trust them not to speak out of turn. "I know him by reputation, obviously, but I've never met him. Most of what I know comes from the few anecdotes that Admiral Paris has shared with me over the years."

Picard shifted in his chair while he thought back over the names of the Captains he dealt with during the war and recovery effort. "Only what I've read in the after action reports from the war. I knew his father. Cole and I served aboard the Stargazer together. He was a pilot as I recall. He was offered a position as the chief helm officer on another ship not long after I was given command."

"I know the Admiral's brother was killed in action while I was serving aboard the Mary Kingsley, but I don't know the specifics." She replied. "Captain Paris was a year or two ahead of me at the Academy, I believe. What I know about his father, Commander Paris, came in snippets of conversation, usually when the Owen was bragging about his son. He told me once that he believed Tom was even more talented than Cole had been. He said the talent must run in the family. He's only mentioned his nephew in passing." Kathryn shrugged at them, "I honestly don't know anymore than that. Admiral Nechayev seems intent on his inclusion to the mission."

"There might be a reason for that," Riker pointed out. A deep frown had drawn his brows together. "Paris was the XO of the USS Socrates. It was destroyed near the end of the war. He was promoted, but instead of taking command of the ship he was offered, he shipped out to Starbase 234. It's near the edge of the Beta Quadrant, not far from Romulan space. He's been in a good position to know all ship and trade movements in the area for the last several years." He rubbed at his bearded chin. "Paris was offered the Jamestown, but he turned it down. Admiral Ross mentioned it when they offered it to me."

"You didn't tell me you were offered the Jamestown," there was a slightly accusatory note in Picard's tone.

"They used to pull the chair out every few years," Riker shrugged. "After a while, I could set a calendar by it. I was waiting for the right chair." He hooked a thumb in the Admiral's direction. "This one doesn't like to be told no."

"I knew you were going to be trouble," Picard shook his head at her. He had met Janeway years ago, before he took command of the Enterprise, she was only a young Lieutenant then, but she had risen quickly through the ranks. "Does Alynna know that you're after her job?"

"Oh Jean-Luc," She clucked her tongue at him. "Alynna isn't concerned about that. They're saving it for you." She laughed when his mouth twisted in distaste. She knew exactly how he felt about the idea of being promoted to the Admiralty. She pushed up from the table. "Captain," she addressed Riker again, "I'll let you know as soon as I've been given a final answer about the Aegeus. If you'll both excuse me, I have another meeting." Kathryn retrieved her coffee cup and after bidding them both a good day, she took her leave.

Decan was waiting for her in the hall outside the briefing room. He fell into step with her as she passed him. "Commander Troi was not certain how long you would be delayed with the Captains, so she asked me to relay her intention to wait for you in your office." He passed her another data padd as they walked. "I downloaded Captain Paris's service record. I found it to be suitably impressive." By now, while he knew that the Admiral would read the service record for herself later, he had prepared to summarize it for her as they made their way back to her office. "The Captain trained as a pilot, and while at the Academy he was a member of the Nova Squadron group. There is a note in his file from his first crew evaluation that he was more interested in engineering than helm control, and so he was transferred to that department during his first posting. It would appear that the Captain once had an interest in starship design. This should assist with building an easy rapport with Captain Grant." When they reached the lift, he folded his hands behind his back. "The Captain graduated from the Academy on the command track, however, so unlike Captain Grant he sought opportunities for advancement beyond his Engineering duties."

"Ship design? Really?" Somehow, knowing he was a pilot, and knowing the family that he came from, that did not surprise her. Kathryn thumbed through the data on the padd, her interest piqued. "It isn't only Captain Grant that he should be able to get along with." She didn't know much about Tom's relationship with the rest of his family, but she thought that might give them a conversation starter, if nothing else.

When the lift doors opened, they stepped inside. Decan inclined his head but did not comment on that piece of information. "Level 52," the aide stated, and then continued, "his post mission review following the destruction of the USS Socrates referenced a treatment plan for survivor's guilt, but listed him capable and competent to return to duty. His efforts in preventing further loss of life in the battle that destroyed the ship earned him a promotion to Captain."

Kathryn scrolled through the evaluation notes surrounding his promotion and subsequent assignment to Starbase 234. "There doesn't appear to be anything out of the ordinary in his service record. He requested the posting and it was granted. There are a few minor disciplinary notes from his time as an ensign, but I know a few Admirals with a more colorful record." She shook her head. "There are no red flags or unusual entries. It's exactly what I would expect of a decorated Starfleet Captain. I can understand his uncle's frustration." The lift came to a stop and the doors opened again. Kathryn stacked the padd with the other she was carrying and moved down the corridor toward her office. "Contact Admiral Nechayev's office," she instructed, "find out what time this afternoon she will be available to meet."

They rounded a bend in the corridor and a pair of frosted, transparent aluminum doors that each bore a Starfleet Insignia opened to admit them into the small suite that the Admiral and her staff occupied. In addition to Lieutenant Decan, who was assigned as Kathryn's full-time aide, there were also two other junior officers that comprised her staff. Both were ensigns and recent Academy graduates who were assigned to assist with research and report compilation. They also monitored the office when the Admiral and her aide were otherwise occupied or traveling. While Decan occupied the desk directly outside Kathryn's office, the other two officers were seated at smaller desks on the opposite side of the suite's outer office. It reminded Kathryn of a waiting room with the two chairs and small couch that also made up the space. There was a small briefing room, too, that would hold four or five people comfortably, which was why she had scheduled the taskforce briefings in the larger East Tower room.

When they entered the office, Kathryn came to a stop. She had anticipated Commander Troi, although she had actually expected one of the ensigns would show her into the main office, but she had not expected that Captain Chakotay would also be waiting. Kathryn supposed that she should have, although aside from the briefing they had not made any specific plans to see each other that day. The two had been seated in the chairs on the wall opposite her aide's desk, in obvious conversation, but stood when she entered. Kathryn glanced at Decan beside her. "Let me know what the Admiral says," she told him, and passed both data padds in her hand into his keeping. As he moved to take his seat, she turned her attention on the other two officers. "Commander, my apologies for keeping you waiting, again," she added with a wry smile. "If you'll step into my office, I will join you in just a moment."

"Of course." She turned to the Captain beside her; there was an amused glint in her eyes that she was unable to suppress. She usually tried not to eavesdrop on the emotions of others, without a specific purpose at hand, but the conflicted nature of the emotions that these two were giving off was difficult to ignore. What she knew was relegated to her function as a counselor aboard Voyager the previous year, but she would wager that it was going to be an interesting few weeks. "Captain, it was nice speaking with you again. I look forward to working with you."

"As do I, Commander." Chakotay offered her a polite, but warm smile. He waited until the doors to Kathryn's office had closed behind her before he clasped his hands together in front of him and tilted his head at the Admiral. "I was hoping you might have enough of an opening in your schedule to have lunch with an old friend," he explained.

"I didn't know Tuvok was here," she teased, "does he know that you've taken to scheduling his appointments for him?" Her smile turned apologetic, Kathryn shook her head at him. "Not today, I'm booked through the rest of the day, and I have plans tomorrow. Rain check?"

Chakotay suppressed the urge to sigh. He didn't know why she was deliberately dodging him, but he knew that she was. He thought they were beyond all this. "I guess that will have to do." He jerked a single shoulder in a half-hearted shrug. "Aside from a little light reading, and routine maintenance aboard Voyager, my calendar is pretty open. If you get an opening, let me know. It's been too long, Kathryn."

"You're right," she told him. The way he said her name always managed to disarm her, at least a little. She couldn't put her finger on exactly why she was reticent to see him, and only a few minutes ago she had been happy to have his insight, but she felt herself balking at the idea of anything more personal. It seemed a little odd for two people who had been as close as they were, but they had been apart for several months now and Kathryn decided that she had gotten comfortable with that. It was difficult at first, but as days and weeks had turned to months, and he settled into his new command, their letters had grown fewer and farther apart. Kathryn offered him a more genuine smile. "It has been too long," she said softly, "and I really do have plans tomorrow. I go home for dinner once a week, and since I was a terrible daughter who didn't bother to call for several years, I try never to break a date with my mother." She watched him grin, saw the dimples appear, and felt her heart flutter in a way that it hadn't in a while.

"Well, it's not your fault that your first officer wouldn't stop and ask for directions," he drawled, grin widening when he saw the light flush of her cheeks. "Terrible guy, I hear the universe got even with him. His first officer is constantly trying his patience and won't let him have any fun."

"He should probably be commended." Kathryn's smile softened. "Let me look at my calendar. I don't think I have anything planned after tomorrow. I'll get back to you, I promise. Right now, I have an appointment waiting, and I really should get back to work."

"I understand." Chakotay had expected her to be busy. With the mission that she had put together, he supposed he would be lucky to get this much of her attention. When she was focused on a problem; Kathryn was almost impossible to distract. "I'll go, but Kathryn, if I don't hear from you, I will come back."

There was enough edge in his tone to belie the teasing twist of his mouth. Kathryn's eyes narrowed slightly. "You'll hear from me soon, Captain. In the meantime, I'll make sure to send your first officer a few ideas for keeping you occupied." She looked past him to her aide, "Decan, unless Admiral Nechayev's office returns our calls, make sure there are no more interruptions."

"Yes, Admiral." The Lieutenant fixed the Captain with a cool look. "If you would like to make an appointment to speak with the Admiral, I believe there is an opening in four days at," he made a show of glancing at his computer terminal, "1400 hours."

Kathryn fought the urge to smirk as she left Decan to wrangle Chakotay and stepped into her office. She walked quickly toward her desk and ignored the small, knowing smile on the Commander's face. "I don't want to talk about it."

Deanna was seated, hands folded in her lap, and trying very hard to stop the smile that was curving her lips. "Talk about what, Admiral? Was there something in particular that you felt I might find interesting about that interaction?" Her lashes fluttered, but when the other woman glared at her, Troi simply stood and walked to the small replicator on the far side of the office. She ordered a plain, black coffee and a hot chocolate. When she returned with the drinks, she placed the coffee on the desk before reclaiming her seat. She leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs, all the while allowing the Admiral to have another moment to regain her equilibrium. When Deanna spoke again, it was with a calm understanding of what she had sensed. "You're struggling with something. You don't understand what it is, or why, but it is directly related to Captain Chakotay. You were happy to see him but you hesitated just now. That wasn't the point of our scheduling this meeting, but you've assigned the Captain to the Romulan Taskforce, and if those feelings could have any bearing on this mission, it would be irresponsible of me to ignore them."

Kathryn rubbed her fingers across her brow; then she reached for the coffee and sat back in her chair. She sighed quietly. When they met the previous year, she had felt uneasy about speaking to the empathic counselor. They had agreed during their first session together that week that honesty would put Janeway at ease. Kathryn didn't want there to be any assumptions made about her emotional state, so she had decided that if the other woman had questions or concerns about anything she sensed, they would discuss it. She didn't want to be maneuvered toward an emotional epiphany; Kathryn preferred to be more straightforward than that. "To be honest, I'm a little annoyed. I just haven't decided if I am annoyed at him, or myself."

"Are you able to discuss the source of that annoyance?" Deanna inclined her head. While she was concerned at the impact on their mission, she was also genuinely interested in the Admiral's wellbeing. She and two other counselors had been assigned to Voyager during the week it had taken them to reach Earth after they had appeared, quite unexpectedly, from the Borg transwarp corridor that had carried them back to the Alpha Quadrant. Deanna had discovered, very quickly, that she would not be able to counsel both members of Voyager's command team. A single session with the ship's former Captain had revealed a deep well of emotion, and quite a bit of regret, where her First Officer was concerned. Deanna understood lost opportunity and regret just a little too well, and as objective as she was capable of being, those kindred feelings allowed her to connect with the other woman in a way that lent itself toward helping her.

Kathryn knew that Troi was really asking if she was willing to discuss it. She was testing her, although not overtly. The Admiral could shut her down and turn their discussion back toward the finer points of the mission, and the Commander would be well within her rights to refer her to her usual counselor, and then allow the matter to drop – unless she thought it was posing a greater problem later. Kathryn shifted in her chair and turned it slightly so that her gaze moved to the windows along the wall adjacent to her desk. "It isn't that I am unable, or unwilling," she began, choosing her words carefully, "I'm just not entirely sure that I can explain it. My relationship with Chakotay is complicated, it always has been, but lately it feels…" The word came to her, and with it, enough clarity to heighten her sense of annoyance. "Convenient." She met the Commander's gaze. "This isn't the first time he's been back in this sector, but it's the first time he has attempted to reach out on this level. We've spoken. We're both busy people, though. I understand that. I haven't been off world in months; it isn't as if I've been hard to find." She shook her head, a bit ruefully, "I don't even know that I have the right to feel this way, but I do."

"Emotion isn't meant to be logical," Deanna explained. "Understanding emotion gives us enlightenment. When we are able to untangle all of the things that we are feeling and assign them meaning, we gain clarity and insight. It is what we do with that insight that helps us achieve emotional health. Emotion itself can be overwhelming and messy. The right to feel any one way is contradictory to the nature of emotion; it's actually a form of emotional avoidance. It's a negative coping mechanism that occurs when we don't want to process the emotion that it has been directed at." Deanna could sense that the Admiral was listening to her, and processing what she was saying, but she still felt an underlying layer of confusion. "You told me last year that with the exception of routine post mission evaluations, you had only participated in therapeutic counseling following the deaths of your father and fiancé. It was my recommendation, based on your experiences in the Delta Quadrant and our discussions that you continue those sessions. At the time I was unaware that your return to duty would be made dependent on it, but I can't disagree with decision."

"Yes, and I would hate for Counselor Davis to feel like I've been cheating on her when we speak later this week." She lifted her coffee cup and took a sip from it, and although she hid her smile in the act, the Commander's answering smirk came in response to Kathryn's reluctant appreciation. Troi had recommended the Lieutenant that she was now seeing on a monthly basis. As a result of the work that she had done during counseling, their appointments had progressed to a point where they could occur less often. Kathryn had approached the other counselor hesitantly, but had capitulated after only a few sessions. She was glad of that now. She was finally able to understand some of the decisions she was forced to make, and what had prompted the darker side of her nature to appear. Kathryn was still working through some lingering feelings of guilt, but she felt like she had finally achieved a level of acceptance that previously eluded her.

"The point that I am attempting to make," Deanna said lightly, recognizing the evasive maneuver when it was presented, "is that following that personal, traumatic loss you were able to reach a place of self-compassion. You understood that you needed to experience those feelings of grief to be able to move forward with your life. What Counselor Davis and I worked with you on was in reaching the understanding that your time in the Delta Quadrant was also traumatic. The emotions that you are still experiencing are a result of that, but not all of them are in response to the trauma. The instinct to withdraw is another avoidance tactic. We think that if we try to push an emotion away, we won't be impacted by it. What happens is that it prolongs the body's response, and when we try to numb negative emotions we also end up numbing ourselves to positive emotions. What has happened is that you've conditioned yourself to think that you shouldn't feel something that you think might be detrimental to a given situation. If you were disappointed, then your crew might feel that they had failed you. If you were frightened, the crew might interpret their situation as hopeless. Anger might promote resentment; grief could give the appearance of weakness. Something that Captain Chakotay has done his produced feelings of irritation and disappointment, I believe that you want to see him, and you want to spend time with him, but you are concerned that if he perceives those feelings it could have a negative impact on your relationship. The habit has become ingrained, almost instinctual."

"Yes." Kathryn leaned forward and rested her hands, which were still curled around her coffee cup, on the surface of her desk. Seven years in a heightened emotional state had given her some very poor coping mechanisms. It was something that she and her counselor had worked on. "During those last few months that we were together on Voyager Chakotay was avoiding me. I didn't know why until later. Once we were home, and that situation was resolved, it seemed as if he was more than willing to enjoy my company again. At first, I was overjoyed. I missed my friend. As time progressed, and we saw each other less, I was…" She struggled to find the right word. "Confused, I suppose. There was a time when I didn't think that I could manage without him, and maybe out there I couldn't. Here, with our lives and careers pulling us in different directions, I was surprised, but pleased, that we were able to live outside the bubble we created in the Delta Quadrant. When I reached a place where I could look back and analyze each situation and how I felt about it, I realized that while I felt regret at the loss of certain opportunities, I was annoyed at his actions. I didn't agree with them, not because of how it impacted me, but in response to the impact it had on someone else to whom I am very close." Kathryn sighed. "I'm not trying to be evasive," she added, "I just don't think that it's my place to reveal the specific details of those actions."

"You feel like you would be breaking a confidence," Deanna surmised. She was pleased at what she sensed now. The woman that was sitting before her was vastly different, from an emotional point of view, than the woman she met several months ago. "Is that event and the way you feel about it now the reason that you chose Titan as your flagship for the Taskforce instead of Voyager? Was your decision about the Captain's assignment a response to your current personal regard for him?" That was the bigger question. If the Admiral had allowed her personal feelings to impact her professional decision, then Deanna would have to recommend Voyager's exclusion from the mission.

"No," Kathryn replied honestly. "I don't believe I did. If we are completely candid about it, the Romulans have agreed to speak to us, but we don't know what we are going to find when we arrive. There is no one better at sweeping in at the last minute and getting me out of trouble than Voyager's crew and her Captain. More than half the crew is new to the ship, but most of the key positions are still held by our original staff. Captain Chakotay has a skillset that I believe would be beneficial to us there, but I don't want this mission to be defined by Voyager's presence. To be perfectly truthful, I don't want to be defined by Voyager's presence. That was the only reason I hesitated in choosing Chakotay at all. What I know is that this will be a good experience for the Captain and his crew. There are many that still don't trust his motives, but they haven't served with him, and they don't know him in the same professional capacity that I do. Working with Grant's fleet will give him the opportunity to show others what I already know, and that is just how capable an officer and a tactician that Chakotay is. Starfleet, and much of the rest of the Federation, seems to have a convenient memory when it comes to the Maquis. There are those who hail them as heroic dissenters who tried to warn Starfleet Command and the Federation Council of the danger of trusting an enemy that almost destroyed us. Some, more than I would like, still see them as radical elements of chaos, a poor reminder of things they'd like to forget. What has been forgotten by many, or what others have simply not bothered to learn, is that before he resigned, Chakotay was one of the Academy's better Tactical instructors. The past can't be rewritten, and it shouldn't be forgotten, but I want the Captain to have an opportunity to establish himself and his career in the now."

"Then you aren't worried that he will question why he isn't working more directly with you." It was a statement rather than a question. She had sensed the truth in the Admiral's explanation. She truly believed it would be beneficial, and her reluctance came from professional concerns. "You would be able to give the Captain the same explanation, and you know that he would see the logic in it." Deanna tipped her head to one side, she thought about the remaining crew and the positions they now held. "Voyager's reintegration into the fleet has been slow. They've been investigating space anomalies and transporting dignitaries. They haven't faced a major engagement, or minor one for that matter, or provided support for an operation since the ship was returned to active duty. If you selected Voyager as your flagship it might feel no different than any number of situations you encountered while you were in command." Realization had come quickly, and Deanna smiled as it sank in. She approved of the Admiral's thought process. "You don't know how you'll react to another Captain, or his crew, and you want to give Captain Chakotay the opportunity to prove himself, not just to Captain Grant or the rest of the taskforce, but to his crew. You didn't want Voyager to be defined by your presence on this mission."

"I can understand why Captain Picard was so reluctant to let you go," Kathryn replied. She leaned back in her chair and lifted her coffee cup again. Her eyes sparkled over the rim of the plain, standard issue mug. She savored the taste of the rich, dark liquid. She also felt more at ease with her own motives, now that she had given voice to them. "I'm annoyed with him," she said, "but I still want him to succeed."

"Talk to your friend," Deanna suggested. "Our relationships don't survive because of an absence of strife, but because we are willing to resolve the conflict."

"I will." How that conversation would go, she couldn't predict, but she hoped he would understand why she had been distancing herself. She also hoped that hearing his side of the issue would help her to understand and resolve her feelings on the matter. "But not today. We have a lot of material to go through, and we should get started."

The shift was immediate for both of them. Deanna put her hot chocolate aside and reached for the data padd that was passed across the desk toward her. While officially she was the Titan's Diplomatic officer, she would be the admiral's primary advisor for the duration of the Romulan diplomatic mission.

Kathryn turned her attention to her computer terminal, and with a few commands cued up the same information. "I'd like to start with your report on Commander Donatra…"

-TBC-