Chapter 11

"That coffee isn't going to be anymore interesting in five minutes than it was when I handed it to you ten minutes ago."

Jake regarded the woman that was seated across from him in his quarters. The negotiations with the Romulans had taken longer than expected. Praetor Tal'Aura was unwilling to consider the Federation's request to maintain custody of the individuals arrested inside their territory, but the other factions had been willing to talk. That put the Praetor in the dubious position of appearing as though she had something to hide. The Romulans had finally decided to discuss the matter internally. It was a waiting game now, but Jake suspected, and he knew the Admiral and other captains agreed, each Romulan faction was attempting to find an advantage to hold over the others. It was more of the same power game they had already experienced. For now, however, they had managed to gain another twenty-four hours before they would need to turn the detainees over to Romulan authorities.

It had been an hour since Kathryn had beamed back to Aegeus, and her mood had remained more taciturn than he had witnessed before. He watched her push her dinner around her plate, hardly eating, and responding to his attempts at conversation with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes before finally deciding they should give up the façade of enjoying the quiet evening they originally planned. They had moved to the sofa with coffee, and it surprised him that she was no more enthusiastic about it than she was dinner.

"Maybe I'm just not in the mood for it." Kathryn placed the cup on the coffee table in front of them and folded her hands in her lap instead. This was not the evening she hoped to have, but it was harder to shake the dark turn her thoughts had taken that morning. The negotiations and briefings had only delayed the inevitable, distracted her for a short time. "I'm sorry, I'm just not very good company tonight."

"I hadn't noticed," he lied. Jake saw the corners of her mouth twitch and finally lift in a weak smile and decided the night wasn't a complete loss. "You could tell me about it. You don't want to," he added when he saw the shadow pass over her eyes, "but it might help if you do."

"It was a long time ago," Kathryn shrugged, attempting to push it aside again.

"And yet…" Jake turned sideways on the sofa and rested his elbow against the backrest. He propped his head in his hand and watched her. "If you really don't want to talk about it, we'll drop it, but I think you came over here tonight because you want to. I thought we agreed last night that this," he waved his other hand between them, "might actually be going somewhere. That means I want to help you. I have a vested interest in what happens to you, but if you don't let me…" His shoulder jerked in a half-shrug. He wouldn't force her to do anything she didn't want to do, and didn't see the advantage of trying, but his hands were tied as long as she wouldn't talk to him.

She mimicked his position on the sofa but drew her knees onto the cushion and curled her legs beneath her. "A lot of it is classified, and some of it isn't my story to tell," she explained. "When I was an ensign, while on assignment near Cardassian space, I was captured along with a superior officer. We were held at a Cardassian compound on Utrea II. The officer in charge of that compound introduced himself as Gul Camet."

"One of our Cardassian detainees," Jake replied, more a statement than a question. He pushed aside his reaction to the rest of her statement. He knew as well as anyone else with knowledge of the Cardassians and how they treated their prisoners that her reaction that morning was in direct response to the experience she was describing.

"Yes." Her gaze drifted to the view port above the sofa. They had a perfect view of Romulus. The planet was far more beautiful than the secrets it was hiding and the dangers that lurked on its surface. "Thinking back on that now it's a little hard to believe that I was ever so young, so naïve." Kathryn's lips turned down in a sad smile. "That was when it began to change, when I really began to understand what it meant to be out here. The sacrifices we are asked to make for the opportunity to explore the galaxy were just an abstract until then. I wasn't held on Utrea II long enough to experience the horrors others have been subjected to, but the experience stayed with me, for many reasons."

"Kathryn." He reached out and laid a hand on one of her knees. His thumb stroked her uniform clad leg, the gesture was meant to ground her as much to comfort. Her assurances that there was no serious trauma lurking in the story she was about to tell him did little to assuage his worry, although he was grateful she had been spared that. "What happened?"

"At first, nothing. Camet played to my inexperience. I was treated as any guest might be. The injuries I sustained when we were captured, minor injuries," she assured him, "were healed by one of his doctors. When I wasn't able to give Camet the answers that he was looking for, even under threat of torture, I was tossed back into my cell." Her nose wrinkled in disgust at the memory. "It was a hole in the ground. Wet, filthy, and only slightly larger than a photon tube. They left me there. It felt like days, but only hours passed. It was long enough. I would say they tortured my superior officer first, but being forced to listen to his screams was another form of torture. We were rescued before they could kill him and turn their attention on me."

"Your superior officer?" Jake looked away from her. His gaze was troubled. He wouldn't ask her to betray a confidence but he had his own suspicions. That was the part of the encounter that had troubled her the most. Camet had asked her if she still heard the screams, if she knew that the other officer had begged for her life. Neither of them had any way of knowing for certain, but he knew she must be thinking of that now; she was back in that place, in that dark hole, fearing what came next. When Jake lifted his gaze again, he found she was back to staring out the viewport. "You know, I imagine if anything Camet said this morning is true the man he was describing probably didn't regret saving your life." He squeezed her knee to draw her attention back to him. "In fact," he said carefully, "I would almost bet on it. I also think that you've been in command long enough to know that. We do the best we can, and when we get a win, we take it. No matter what it costs us."

"I think that might be the hardest part of remembering all that now," she admitted, "I didn't understand the cost until later. I was just grateful to be alive and relatively unscathed. My life went on; my career went on." She sighed. "This isn't the first time I've thought about it since then, but it's harder to push those memories aside when there's a tangible reminder just a few decks away." Kathryn laid a hand over his and laced their fingers together. "It doesn't help that I can't think about that event without also thinking about the man that rescued me. He was… important to me."

"But that isn't a story that you're ready to tell me yet," Jake guessed. When she only returned his gaze, the sad light still shadowing her eyes, he nodded. "I can understand that." He slid closer to her on the sofa and draped his arm loosely around her waist. "Here's the thing, I know you had a life before. So did I. There are a lot of stories to tell, for both of us, and there's time to get to them all. The only thing I'm worried about right now is the dark place that bastard in my brig put you in by bringing all that up again. He can't hurt you; I know you know that, and I'm not going to insult you by saying something stupid about how I won't let it happen, but I know he's got you second guessing your motives right now. I wasn't part of your negotiations today, but I know you weren't thinking about him while you were talking to the Romulans. There are nine lives in that brig, and you can save five of them. I know you aren't going to sacrifice all five because of the actions of one man." When she started to speak, he stopped her; "I'm not putting you on a pedestal, Kathryn. I'm just making an observation. You aren't going to jeopardize this mission because of the presence of one man. It's why I was willing to follow you out here. The woman you are will try to save all of them, not because it's politically advantageous, but because it's the only thing your conscience will allow." He reached up and let his thumb stroke the curve of her jaw as his hand settled against the side of her neck. "And that is why I'm sitting here with you right now."

Her eyes glistened with moisture. "You know," she said quietly, "that sounds suspiciously like a pedestal to me." She smiled as her hand cupped his cheek. "I'm glad you're here," she told him. "It has been a long time since I didn't have to weigh the consequences of choosing to let someone in."

"Hazards of the job?" Command could be lonely, he knew, but couldn't imagine how much worse it could be with what she had faced. He took her hand in his and turned his face into her palm. His lips were soft against her skin.

"Something like that." Kathryn shrugged at him. "It's another one of those stories we haven't gotten around to yet. I guess you could say it's complicated. I had to make decisions in the Delta Quadrant that were hard, but they were the only choices that I was able to live with at the time."

"Our current situation isn't without certain layers of complication," he reminded her. "We're both out here now, but that isn't always going to be the case." Jake tugged on her arm and drew her closer to him. His other hand moved from her neck into her hair. His thumb stroked the soft skin just under her ear. He smiled when he heard the soft intake of air and watched as her pulse jumped in response to the light caress. "I'm sorry you had a rotten day," his voice rumbled quietly between them.

"It isn't over yet," She laid her free hand against his chest, "and it's looking a lot better now." This was what she had missed, and what she knew she had denied herself. Necessary though it might have felt at the time, she could only blame her own choices for the solitude she experienced before. "It occurs to me that our situation is only complicated if we allow it to be. To be honest, complicated hasn't really worked out for me in the past. I think we're doing just fine allowing this… whatever it is… to develop on its own."

"Whatever it is?" Jake grinned crookedly at her. "I think it's called a relationship. Not that I'm any great expert on the subject, but in my experience, when two people are spending time together, sharing past experiences, good and bad, and doing the things that I've been thinking about doing, the word you're looking for is relationship."

"I see." Her cheeks flushed a light shade of pink. Kathryn opened her mouth to respond and quickly closed it again. Her lips pursed while she thought through an array of things he could be insinuating. "Well, I think… no, I don't know what I think." Her mind had stopped working almost entirely.

"That's kind of the point." He pulled her with him when he leaned back, and was satisfied when she went easily. He shifted her in his arms and when her back was resting against his chest, Jake settled his arms around her. He turned his face into her neck and dropped a light kiss to the soft skin above the collar of her uniform. "Right now, though, I think this might be what you need."

The simplicity of being held was a novelty to her now, and not something she wished to take for granted. Her eyes closed. She enjoyed the warmth of his body folded around her. It was so easy to just be with him that it almost took her breath away. "Maybe not all I need," she said thickly. Her head turned toward him and she met his gaze. She slid her hands along his arms until they met his. Their fingers tangled together. "We were engaged," she explained, "the man I mentioned before. It happened later, after Utrea II. He died before we could marry. He isn't the only man I've ever cared for, but the next man I felt that strongly for was my first officer and our situation was impossible. We had to settle for a different kind of relationship, and I know that I only survived because of that friendship. I'm only telling you this because I think you have a right to know before this goes any further."

He read only sincerity in her eyes. She was looking back at him and seeing him, not a distraction, or an escape. She was with him because she wanted to be, not because she was running toward or away from any one thing, or person. Jake tipped his head toward her. His lips brushed hers as he murmured a single word, a request and an invitation. "Stay."

"Yes," she whispered, and moaned into his mouth when his lips covered hers.

KJKJKJ

Later, as they lay in the glow of the planet the ship was orbiting, with Jake's bed in complete disarray, he reflected on how much better life was when it was completely uncomplicated. She was lying on her stomach, hair a tangled halo of reddish gold, head resting on the pillow of her arms. Jake drew his fingers up the length of her spine and smiled when she hummed. "I could get used to this," he decided.

"I rather hope so, I have no intention of moving." There wasn't an inch of her that didn't feel completely relaxed. Her skin tingled at his touch and she sighed happily.

"Well that might make your job a little harder, but I'm not going to complain." He leaned over and pressed a kiss to the back of her shoulder.

A low, throaty chuckle echoed through the room. "Our negotiations would certainly become more interesting. Could you imagine the look on Proconsul Tomalak's face?" Kathryn arched her back as his lips moved toward the sensitive skin between her shoulder blades.

"I'd rather not." He nipped playfully at the image she painted in his mind. "I'm not a jealous man, but that might be tempting things a little." His lips curved at the sound of her laugh. "Of course, the Proconsul is the last person I want to be thinking about right now, anyway."

"That's understandable." She opened a single eye and peered up at him. "I'm not entirely fond of the idea myself."

"That settles it then. No talk of Romulans in bed. Captain's orders." Jake watched her roll onto her back and stretch and felt his toes curl at the image she presented. "I was absolutely right about you," he decided, "you are definitely trouble." He leaned over and pressed his lips to her smiling mouth.

"You keep saying that," she reminded him, "but here you are. I think you like trouble."

"I like you," he shrugged.

"I really hope so," She placed a hand against his chest and pushed him onto his back. Kathryn rolled with him and lay atop his chest. She folded her hands together against his chest and rested her chin atop them. "If you don't, this is going to go from complicated to awkward at an incredibly rapid pace."

"I thought we agreed to untangle everything and enjoy the ride?" He pushed her hair back from her face and tucked it behind her ear.

"Hm. We did, didn't we?" It was all so much simpler than she thought it would be. He was attentive and playful, but there was an intensity to him that stoked a fire in her. "I could get used to this too," she admitted.

Jake wrapped a lock of hair around his finger. "Then maybe you should." He met her gaze and shrugged. "There's a part of you that's still holding back. That's okay; I can be pretty patient, for the right reasons."

"Is that what I am," she teased, "a reason?" Her eyes continued to dance with amusement, even as she dropped her chin and let her lips dance against his chest.

"Oh no," he drawled, "You are the provocation." He cupped the back of her head and drew her toward him. He felt her mouth curl against his and knew she was smiling again.

"I've never been called that before, at least that I can remember. Certainly not in bed." She moved away from him and settled on her side with her head propped in her hand. "Letting go isn't easy when you've conditioned yourself to always be in control. It was how I survived seven years without backup, without help; with just a lot of determination and a dream of getting back to a place I feared I would never see again. It's something that I'm still working on."

"I understand." He rolled onto his side to face her. His arm dropped across her waist. "The best way to keep this from getting complicated is to just keep being honest," Jake decided. "For some reason it's easy to talk to you."

"Yes, I agree." She moved closer to him. Kathryn curled one of her legs around his and drew her foot up the inside of his calf. "As simple as we decided to let this be, it isn't casual for me, Jake. I told you that before. I haven't lived a sheltered life by any stretch of the imagination, but when I've let myself feel like this, the result wasn't always a happy one. That doesn't mean my life was tragic, either. It is what it is, and I've accepted that. I moved on; obviously," she trailed her fingers up his chest. "I just might need you to be a… provocation… for me in the future."

"I can do that." His mouth twisted in a slow, deliberate smile. "I can definitely do that," Jake decided. He pushed her onto her back and moved over her. "In fact, I'm feeling like provoking you right now."

Her laughter, when his mouth found her neck and began to nuzzle playfully, filled the room.

-TBC-