N is for Nihilism

"Why do you do it, sir?"

They'd been seated at the bar for an hour, Russell surveying the prospects in the room. He'd struck out twice, pulled one number but no big score yet. Just waiting for that golden opportunity...

"Why do I do what?"

"Pardon if I come across a tad presumptuous, but...I've been a month under your employ and I've noticed that you seem to be lacking in any hobbies that one might find...genuinely enriching."

"You don't feel enriched right now? Come on, Tim, plenty of honeys in here for both of us, I'm not greedy."

"I don't want any...honeys, sir."

Russell chuckled. "You keep saying you're not gay, but you keep proving yourself wrong, my man."

Timmy sighed very gently, attempting to keep up appearances. "Sir, I'm just wondering if there isn't...isn't some greater purpose to your life than happy hours and younger women. Again, of course, Mr. Dunbar, I mean no-"

"Timmy, you have a lot to learn." Russell supplied Timmy a firm slap to the back. "And as your mentor, I feel it's my job to show you the ropes. You're gonna get eaten out there alive, kid, so listen up."

Timmy grew more agitated with his employer by the day. Yet ever more intrigued.

"Mr. Dunbar..."

"Let's get you another drink, let me explain some things to you."

This would seem a rather unusual work arrangement.

"Timmy..." Russell held up a glass of alcohol, swirling it slowly in examination. "At the end of the day, what is life?"

Timmy expected further commentary. Finding a lull in Russell's dialogue, he realized he was meant to answer. "Oh, uhm...life. Well, that's...a rather deeply philosophical question. There are many schools of thought on the subject, it's not so easy as-"

"Meaningless. Life is meaningless."

Timmy quaked lightly at the flippant nature of the response, but found himself intrigued as Russell carried on.

"See, people are gonna lay this whole thing on ya about finding your purpose in the world, right? Wrong. It's all meaningless, man. You go out there, they eat you alive. You try to care about people?" He shook his head. "Throw you away. None of it means anything. So do what you want, when you want. That's my philosophy."

Timmy blinked away a touch of shock. "Oh. Uhm. I see, well...that's...a rather negative world view. Not particularly one I care to live in, so. You'll forgive me, sir, if I choose to believe there's a bit more to life."

"Like what?"

"Like..." Timmy examined the drink in front of him. "Like sharing a drink with friends. You find no meaning in that interaction?"

"Mm." Russell shrugged a shoulder.

"When...when a mother holds her newborn child, can you look me in the eye and tell me such an exchange holds no true meaning?"

"Reproduction, human nature. I mean look around, check it out, everyone's after a piece."

"But surely when you think of your own parents, your own family..." Timmy watched as Russell took a markedly large swallow of alcohol, somehow standing as an answer.

How could he break such a seemingly embittered man? Russell spent so much time on frivolities and joking, he appeared a juvenile fool; to realize it was on some level a cover for some deeper pain placed a knot in the pit of Timmy's stomach.

The worst part was that he cared at all for the well being of such an irritating man. Timmy wished sometimes that he could turn off the parts of himself that cared so much.

"Sir. This conversation, right now. This is meaningful."

Russell looked to Timmy, brow raising slightly.

"We're learning about one another, we're connecting as human beings. And in the end, isn't that what life is all about, sir? Just...human beings, finding one another?"

Russell looked away, mind processing; pulling his drink slowly towards his mouth...not quite getting close enough to drink.

"Now, in your world, that might mean cheap, one night stands with strangers who pass in the night. Now, certainly, sir, those are human connections. But so is this, just you and I talking. Sharing a drink, discussing philosophy, life, the deeper things, things that...dare I say, things that matter. Perhaps we'll continue this discussion as time goes on, perhaps we'll both grow from it, expand our perspectives."

Russell's lips found his drink, taking the smallest of sips, though he still appeared ever lost in thought.

"Mind you, it's all quite objective, what matters to an individual. But, sir...if it's of any comfort, please know that I find value in this moment with you."

Russell side-eyed Timmy from over his glass. When he stopped drinking, turning to look Timmy straight on, there followed a great deal of staring. Contemplating.

This guy made him feel things. Weird things. Things he didn't understand, or things he didn't want to understand.

"You, uh...value our time together?"

"Certainly, sir." No hesitation from Timmy; a warm smile, an attempt to melt a cold heart.

"You sure you're not gay?"

Timmy's face pulled into an exasperated sneer as he turned for his own drink, taking a swift swig.

He had tried. He would learn better, he told himself.