Title: What Did You Say About My Husband?!

Summary: Thorena and Dís go out for a drink and overheard one Lobelia Sackville-Baggins talking shit about Bilbo and their daughter Bella. The Dwarves retaliate. Fem!Thorin Everybody Lives AU.

Requester: 666mewmew

"So when exactly is this husband of yours going to join us?"

"Not too long. He stayed behind to tuck in Bella. He'll be here…eventually."

"Not the fastest Hobbit, is he? Hey, another ale over hear!" Dis shouted at the passing bar maid. In all honesty, most of the regular patrons of the Green Dragon were probably fed up with the two Dwarf women and their drinking (though the bar tender was probably appreciating all the business). Normally, Thorena would take her drinking elsewhere, being known to take a trip to the Prancing Pony in Bree every once in a while, but tonight was a special night. This was the first time she'd seen Dis since her and Bilbo's daughter was born, and her younger sister had insisted on 'seeing the stuff these Halflings called brew'. Bilbo was set to join them but, as previously stated, he first had to put their 6 year old Dwobbit to bed.

"No, but he's my Hobbit. No one can tell me otherwise."

"Aww. So sweet! Whatever happened to the grumpy old lady that ran herself ragged all over Ered Luin? Probably died off when you began to show, haha!"

Thorena already knew where this was headed. "Dis…."

"Then again, every minute was a different mood. Not to mention all the cravings. You nearly ate Bombur and Balinda out of their own tavern one time."

"Dis, please-."

"And all those sleepless nights. I suppose when Thorena Oakenshield suffers, we all suffer." The elder sister was practically growling at this point. "What? After all those years of you and your cheeky little friends giving me grief about my pregnant days, I'm not allowed to return the favor?"

"Filthy *hic* Dwarves…."

The comment was a very low whisper, yet both Dwarf women heard it and practically froze. They slowly turned to the one who had said the insult and Thorena immediately recognized the sneering face of one Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, her husband Otho not too far away. She'd had a few run ins with the dreadful Hobbit before, though those times Bilbo had been there to cool things down before something more than a verbal argument broke out. "Can I help you, Lobelia?"

The Hobbit's sneer somehow grew even larger. "Honestly. This is a p-*hic* public place and here you two are chatting *hic* obnoxiously loudly about something so ob-*hic*scene!" There was mead on her breath and she slurred when she spoke, but that didn't help the situation one bit.

"Miss, most everyone here is drunk," Dis commented. "I don't think anyone minds but you."

"Dear, please," Otho tried to defuse the situation, but his drunk wife wouldn't back down.

"I'm sure this behavior is *hic* acceptable amongst YOUR kind, but we *hic* are a respectable folk. Well, *hic* MOST of us are a respectable folk."

"And what is THAT supposed to mean?" Thorena practically growled.

"Oh, I'm *hic* sorry. What I mean is you seem t-*hic* to have married a rather poor excuse of *hic* a Hobbit."

"L-Lobelia-."

"And then there's that half *hic* breed of yours running around *hic* scaring all the fauntlings."

"Lobelia, please-."

"Oh what, Otho? I'm *hic* just saying that these people obviously don't belong in the Shire! *hic* And if I were them, I'd pack my *hic* and-." The Hobbit never got the chance to finish as a very angry Dwarf woman grabbed her by the scuff of her coat.

Bilbo released some of his tension with a loud sigh. Putting Bella to bed had taken much more time and effort than it should have been. No doubt the excitement of her "Auntie Dís" visiting was the source of her extra energy. Hopefully his wife and sister-in-law wouldn't mind his tardiness.

It wasn't until the Hobbit got close to the Green Dragon's entrance that he heard the shouting.

His heartbeat quickened along with his place. "Nononono," he muttered as he reached for the door. Once he was inside, all he could see was absolute chaos. Both Thorena and Dís were attempting to tear one Lobelia Sackville-Baggins limb from limb. Some of the other patrons had taken it upon themselves to try and help; several were putting their best efforts into holding the Dwarf women back while one or two attended to Lobelia (the dreadful woman was screaming bloody murder the whole time). "What the HELL is going on here?!"

The Hobbit's shout caused everything to go silent. Thorena ceased her attack and looked back at her husband. "Bilbo?"

"Someone arrest her or something!" The outcry came from Lobelia, sobered up form fear alone. "She's a savage! Both of them! I was minding my own business when they just attacked me!"

"That's a filthy lie!" Thorena shouted.

"Yeah, it wasn't for no reason," another Hobbit (possibly the bar tender) added. "You were spouting all this rude nonsense about them!"

"They were being rude first!"

"That's enough!" Bilbo shouted. All present were silenced once again. "Lobelia, what did you say?"

"Only the truth. We were just fine, all of us, before you decide to go off on your little adventure. And what do you bring back with you? Foolish propaganda, a chest of gold you hoard all to yourself, and a Dwarf. Now we have children running around wanting to go off and get themselves into all this nonsense!"

"Lobelia, please-."

"You can shut your useless gob up, Otho! It's because of him that we're even associating ourselves with cave-dwellers and half-breeds! He's just like his bitch of a mother!"

The Hobbit woman was immediately silenced by a hand gripping her shoulder and a very angry Bilbo Baggins glaring daggers at her. "You are out of line."

Thorena looked at her husband with surprise. She'd never seen him this angry before. She put a hand on his shoulder instinctively, as if sensing what he was about to do. Meanwhile, Lobelia had the gall to smirk. "What are you going to do, Baggins? Hit me? We both know you aren't going to do it. It's not your way."

A tense silence fell over the Green Dragon. No one dared to move, speak, or even breathe for the longest time. After what seemed like an eternity later, Bilbo backed away, looking at his wife and giving the subtlest of nods. Then he turned to face Lobelia. "You're right. Violence is not my way of settling things." The Hobbit woman's smirk grew. "It's her's." Her smile fell as Bilbo leaned out of the way, allowing Thorena to deliver one last punch.

Suffice to say, Thorena was banned from the Green Dragon, Lobelia sported a black eye for the next two weeks, no Hobbit ever said anything disrespectful about Bilbo and his family again, and Dís could not stop laughing.