Chapter 17 - Ending 1
Anyone could believe that all Starfleet starbases were the same, built with a singular purpose and designed around a specific objective: resupply, stock, repair. respite. Those in the farthest reaches of the Alpha Quadrant were meant to offer a piece of home, something that could not be found on the decks of starships or even the continents of alien worlds. Amidst the many levels of plain, sterile, beige and gray walls and temporary quarters, there were arboretums and holodecks, restaurants and shops.
At the very center of starbase 343 there was a multi-level park filled with greenery and trees, flora that came mostly from Earth, but over the years it had been interspersed with species of plants and flowers from a multitude of Federation worlds. The artificial lighting changed with the simulated night and day cycle of the starbase, while environmental controls provided the feeling of warm or cool air; the plants were real, but the specimens chosen were those that could survive in the feigned environment that was meant to disquiet a longing for home. When one closed their eyes they could almost believe they were standing beneath a cool, quiet moon. It wasn't real, but the attempt was appreciated, and at the very least, it was not a holodeck, nor was it the overly crowded levels of the starbase's market and entertainment levels.
Kathryn had gone there for that promised respite. She was tired of looking at plain gray walls and breathing sterile, recycled air. The past few weeks had been as draining as they had been exhilarating. Out here, far from home, doing the work that she never imagined that she would enjoy, she had finally started to feel like her again. She had been on the starbase for a couple of days. Voyager was docked and undergoing the repairs it needed before returning to patrol the Romulan border.
Being back on board was cathartic in a way. She would always feel that old pull, the longing to walk through the ship's corridors, to sit on her bridge, in her chair, and imagine what the next adventure would be. That wasn't for her anymore, however. There was other work for her to do now, and exhausted as she was at present, she had found it very rewarding. Kathryn would always be an explorer at heart, but she knew now that seeking answers to new problems, finding resolution to conflict, it was another kind of exploration and could be just as exciting as traveling the galaxy had been.
She turned her face to the lights of the simulated moon and closed her eyes. A smile curved her lips when she felt movement behind her. A hand settled at her waist and when she tipped her head to the side, the arm it belonged to slid loosely and comfortably around her. "I wondered when you'd finally show up."
Aegeus was expected to arrive that morning but they had been delayed while waiting for the custody of their detainees to change hands. Jake let his nose move through her hair and nudged it aside. She wasn't in uniform, and he found that to be a delightful surprise. His lips landed against her neck in a soft kiss. "Someone has to keep you on your toes, and I like to make an entrance."
"Yes, I remember." Had it really only been a few weeks ago that he pushed his way into her office, angrily expressing his displeasure at what he believed was meddling in his career? Kathryn hummed quietly. Part of her wondered that they were moving at this too quickly, but she felt so comfortable with him. She drew a breath when his mouth moved against the sensitive spot beneath her ear. "You promised me dinner," she reminded, voice dipping low.
"I did," he agreed. "I think I told you that we'd do a lot of things when I got here." His hand slid beneath the loosely flowing tunic she was wearing. His fingers danced across warm, soft skin. "I don't remember mentioning an exact order of events."
"No, I guess you didn't." Her teeth dug across her bottom lip. Kathryn wriggled away from him and turned. She placed a hand against the center of his chest. "We're not going to do them here," she told him. Her eyes were dark, but sparkling with a mix of desire and amusement. "At ease, Captain. I think you're getting dangerously close to spraining—"
Jake curled a hand around her wrist and pulled her back into the circle of his arms. "I'm not on duty and neither are you." His hold on her remained loose, however, in deference to their current lack of privacy. "We can go to dinner now, if you like, or…"
Kathryn rolled her eyes at his wolfish grin. "If I didn't like you, I would find that one track mind of yours incredibly troubling." She shook her head at him. "How about we just take a walk?"
"It's not a bad location for it." Jake let go of her. He clasped her hand in his and let her choose their path. There was a walkway that wound its way through the park, through shrubbery and flowers, and around the edge of a shallow pond. "You've had an interesting few days," he pointed out.
It was an opening, she new. A soft smile curved her lips. He was perceptive and easy to talk to; it was one of the first things she had come to like about him. "You could call it that. You could also call it dangerous, exciting, troubling…" Kathryn shook her head. "I still wish we were able to do more, but the work isn't done. It's going to be in the hands of the diplomatic corps now. Command will coordinate the patrols. I'll put my report together and make recommendations."
"An Admiral's work is never done. We've already got our next assignment," he glanced at her. "Apparently I'm taking a member of the brass home, then I'm being sent to Deep Space Nine. Our Cardassian detainees wouldn't talk, but we got enough out of the two humans. I'm going to follow up on those leads, make sure there isn't trouble brewing in the DMZ."
"I heard," Kathryn strolled along beside him. They didn't think the Cardassians were going to attempt to break treaty, they didn't have the manpower or the resources for that, but it still required investigating. "There are concerns about what the Tzenkethi are doing in that region. We think they could be recruiting from inside the DMZ. The issue with the Romulans could have just been a distraction."
"We'll find out." He was expecting to be away from Earth for a few weeks to a couple of months. Jake wondered when he would see her again, but this was the work they were both called to do. "I guess none of this is the home you thought you'd be getting back to, is it?"
"It's still home," she explained. "These are entities we know, both the allies and the enemies, and at least here we have help."
"True." His thumb swept across the back of her head. "You're not alone, Kathryn." She stopped walking and Jake felt her stiffen. His brow creased. "What?" He took a step closer, watched the shadow of something pass over her eyes. He couldn't tell if it was pain or regret, or some combination of the two. "Kathryn?"
Her gaze lifted. He was waiting, concern and patience in his expression. She lifted a hand and let it rest against his chest. "Old ghosts," she reminded him, repeating the words she said days before.
"Do you want to tell me about them?" He held her hand loosely in his while he studied her face. She looked troubled, and he couldn't quite work out the reason for it. He couldn't force her to talk about it, however, and wouldn't. Kathryn would speak her mind to him when she was ready, he had learned that much about her.
She didn't know if she wanted to, but she felt she probably needed to. Kathryn pulled away from him and left the walkway. She let her steps carry her to the edge of the small pond. The surface rippled gently and reflected the lights above that had been meant to give the appearance of moonlight. It wasn't real, and knowing that, it was hardly calming. Kathryn drew a slow breath and tried to settle the deeper emotions that were unleashed by her argument with Chakotay a few days ago, but she was finding it harder to push them behind the closed door that had contained them for so long.
"I told you before I allowed this relationship to go any further that I felt something for my first office once. I thought it was done. I knew we had unresolved issues to discuss, but I thought most of it was behind us." Kathryn glanced at him, her smile was sad, "I think that might have been wishful thinking on my part. Avoidance isn't resolution; a counselor would be the first to tell me that, but I don't think I fully appreciated what it would mean to be back on that ship."
"You still feel something for him." It wasn't a question. She wouldn't be troubled and she wouldn't be bringing it up if that weren't the case. Jake wasn't sure how he felt about that. He knew she had a history, he had one too, and she wasn't his to possess. That wasn't what drew him to her. She was funny and beautiful, and smart as hell. She wasn't without her flaws, but neither was he.
"I think a part of me always will." That was something she had resolved to accept. "Our circumstances made us closer than we might have been otherwise. Out there I wasn't free to…" She shrugged. "It is what it is, and it's not a situation that I really want to revisit."
"Why not?" She was either attempting to justify ending what they started, or she was trying to open that part of herself that she thought was sealed closed. This conversation could go either way, Jake realized. "The way I see it, we've got a good thing right now. We have a good time together, but I'm not a saint, Kathryn. I'm not okay with sharing you. I get that you've got a past, people that were or are important to you. It's just the way it is. We aren't kids, and thank god for that." The corner of his mouth quirked up when she almost smiled, "the thing is, I'm not interested in being a substitute or a temporary stand-in, and I know you wouldn't feel like being one either. So why don't we just put it all out in the open and see where we end up?"
Her tongue swept over her teeth. Kathryn folded her arms across her chest and nodded. His ability to cut through a matter to the center of it was appreciated. He didn't have time for games, and neither did she. They had both done too much, seen too much, for that. "Alright. Before I do that, I need you to tell me something. When you look at me, what do you see?"
It confused him at first, but then he realized it was at the center of her discomfort. Jake moved closer to her, well within the circle of her personal space. "What do you think I see, Kathryn?" His eyes narrowed. "It's what's bothering you right now, isn't it?"
"I thought I had gotten a lot of who I was before the Delta Quadrant back. Part of me wonders if I was always this way. Hard, unyielding, unable to see anything but my own ambition." She met his gaze and smiled sadly. "I really don't know right now, and realizing that I haven't come as far as I thought is a little… it's bothering the hell out of me, if I'm honest about it."
It was hurting her, he thought. Jake felt anger well inside him, not at her, but on her behalf. He didn't know if she would tell him what happened on Voyager, exactly, to make her feel this way, and Jake didn't know if she should. What he did know was that just a few days on that ship had left her rattled and he found it bothersome as hell. It was also just a little infuriating. What was it about that ship, about what they'd been through, that could take a person like Kathryn and leave her undone? Jake circled her wrists with his hands and let them slide slowly up her arms. When he reached her shoulders, his hands drew inward, until his fingers could brush the sides of her neck. He pushed her hair back from her shoulders and moved his hands into its thick weight. He tipped her head back and met her gaze. His thumb stroked the curve of her cheek, the line of her jaw, then it swept over the space where her rank bar would be if she were in uniform.
"I see a woman that's had to be stronger than she thought she could be," he said quietly, allowing his voice to rumble between them in the silent park. "She's intelligent and funny, she can think fast in a tight spot and isn't afraid to take command of a situation when she believes it's needed. I think she's compassionate and warm, and if that wasn't already a hell of a combination, she's also beautiful. I don't know what anyone else sees when they look at you, but I'm seeing you, Kathryn, and you might have noticed that I like what I see."
Moisture glistened in her eyes. The muscles in her neck twitched as she worked past the lump of emotion in her throat to voice her response. "That thought had crossed my mind a time or two," she managed in a breathy whisper. "I'm not infallible, I know that. I've made my share of mistakes, and many of them were personal. He wanted more than I could give him. More than I thought I could give him, anyway; it wasn't safe to love him, he wasn't safe. The idea of opening myself up to that kind of devastation out there, when I was needed to be larger than life, it wasn't a line I felt I could cross. I asked him to understand, and I thought he did." Kathryn pulled herself free of him and walked away, needing the distance. With her back to him she told him about New Earth, about Venice and the bonding box, about her fear and her hope, and the walls she built to protect herself. Then she told him about Seven of Nine, and the faint grasp she felt she had on her own humanity by the end. When she finally grew tired of talking, Kathryn looked at him again. "When I tore all those walls down, there was no one waiting on the other side."
Jake wandered along the edge of the pond. He was silent while his mind turned over every piece of the story she told him, while he pondered the parts of the image she created. "I'd like to pretend," he began carefully, "that I was a better man than the one I am. A better man would point out that you might be talking to the wrong man. I think I might be a little too selfish for that." He came to a stop next to her. Jake could reach out and touch her, but didn't, despite the itch in his fingers that tried to convince him otherwise. "The thing is," he rubbed the back of his neck instead, "I could love you. It wouldn't surprise me if I were halfway there already. I think we could have something, and I think it could be pretty good. The potential is there. I think I've learned enough about you to understand that you wouldn't be here, and this wouldn't have gone as far as it has, if you didn't think the same potential exists. That's not to say it's written in stone, or it's necessarily going to happen that way…" Jake took another step toward her, until she had to tip her head back to continue to meet his gaze. "The part that bothers me is wondering if you're just here because I'm safe. I told you I was vested, Kathryn, and that means there's nothing about you that is going to be safe for me. I want the same thing in return, and if you can't do that, I think you know exactly what we should do with this."
She laid a hand against his chest again. She studied his face while she looked within herself. There was something in him that called to her. It was easy to trust him when she knew his family, but he wasn't his family. He was more than that. He was attractive and intelligent, with just enough of a mischievous streak to ensure he would never be boring. They were a lot alike, scientists and engineers, people who had seen darkness and loss. They had grown up with many of the same expectations, and they understood what it meant to devote themselves to their careers. It was comforting and familiar, that bond between fellow fleet brats.
Was that as far as it had gone? Was she still looking for the safe harbor?
Her fingers curled into the front of his shirt and she moved into the small space that remained between them. "I don't think you're safe at all," she husked. "Not in the way you think." She hesitated. Kathryn looked away. "As much as I want to believe I've moved beyond that. I'm not really sure that I have."
"As long as you're questioning it," Jake pointed out, "that means a part of you won't just care about him. A part of you is always going to wonder what might have happened if you had waited just a little bit longer and given him a chance to meet you halfway." He sighed, it was disappointing, and Jake wouldn't say it wasn't. He wouldn't do either of them that disservice. Part him wanted to talk her out of it, but that was no way to build a relationship. He wanted her on her terms, not just his.
"Yes." She smiled sadly. "That's it exactly. It's funny, in a way. He spent those years waiting for me, and now I'm the one that's waiting. It almost feels like we've come full circle in a way. I just hope we don't end up orbiting the same missed opportunity for the rest of our lives."
"I don't think so." Jake shrugged. "You know what you want Kathryn, it's one of the things that drew me to you. I think you'll get it. I hope it happens soon." He rested his hands on her shoulders and let them slide down to circle her wrists again. "I'm not going to tell you that I'll wait, that would be insulting to both of us. But," he grinned, "if you find out it wasn't what you wanted, or if it doesn't work out, look me up. If nothing else I'll pour the drinks and you can bend my ear for a while." If they both happened to be available and the wind just happened to blow them in that direction again, so be it. He had given up his starbase to explore the galaxy again; he wasn't going to do that while he pined for what might have been.
"I'll do that." She laid her hands against his chest and smiled up at him. "Let me know when you get home. I'd like to hear from you."
"I will." He tilted his head at her. "Why do I think this means you're going to find another ride back to Earth?"
"It's for the best, I think." She let her hands slide down his front before she pulled them away. Kathryn stepped away from him. "Voyager is going to be out here for a few more months, but I have a thing or two to say to her Captain before I leave. Then I think I'll arrange passage home with the Jamestown. I know it happens to be going that way."
"I'll say goodbye now," Jake decided. "It's been a pleasure, Admiral."
"Captain." When he stepped forward and pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth she smiled. "Be safe, Jake."
"Be happy, Kathryn."
She watched him go and drew a breath that she released slowly. That was the idea; she just wasn't sure how to make it happen. She felt fulfilled, but there was something else, something greater that felt like it was just out of her reach. Kathryn turned and looked around the park again. With a shake of her head she walked away from the false respite.
KJKJKJ
Chakotay pushed his dinner around his plate. He had eaten very little of it, and for the life of him could not recall tasting the few bites he had taken. The little restaurant on Starbase 343's level 14 had quite the reputation. He was sure that the food was good, but he wasn't entirely in the mood to enjoy it. He was still brooding over the fact that Kathryn had left Voyager without saying goodbye. Oh, the Admiral had sent her regards before departing and the message that was delivered by her aide was all very polite and proper, but he had not gotten the opportunity to speak to her again as Cambridge suggested.
"Either the food wasn't as good as I thought it was," Eva Caldwell's voice cut through his thoughts, "or you just don't want to be here."
His gaze was drawn from the very unappealing arrangement he'd made on his plate to the concerned look she was giving him. Chakotay sighed quietly as he leaned back. Underneath the concern in her eyes and the wry twist of her lips, he could see the beginnings of annoyance. Well, that was just one more woman that wasn't very happy with him at the moment. Not that he could blame her, or any of them, actually. He and Eva had arranged this dinner date days ago, before his argument with Kathryn or his first conversation with Cambridge. Now he was questioning his motives.
She was a beautiful woman. She was intelligent, witty, and she made him laugh. She was a good officer; Chakotay had enjoyed working with her and wouldn't mind working with her again in the future. What he didn't know was if that was as far as it went. He wasn't sure if his attraction to her was genuine or if he was just looking for another distraction, or maybe another substitute, as Cambridge suggested he'd done with Seven.
Chakotay put his fork down and lifted his glass of ale instead. "I'm not very good company tonight," he agreed. "I'm sorry about that."
Eva's head inclined. The thick curtain of her dark hair had been left free, and the dark, straight tresses fell around her shoulders. She leaned forward and pushed her own plate to the side so she could fold her arms against the surface of the table. "Do you want to talk about it?" He had been quiet and pensive since they met earlier in the evening. While she didn't know him well, at least not yet, Eva thought she had gleaned enough during their time together to know that this was not his usual state. The man she spent time with during the weeks of planning on Earth, and had spoken to later via comm after they deployed, was usually far more open, and a lot more charming, than the man sitting with her tonight.
"No." Chakotay managed a small smile. "Not especially, but I think I probably should." He shook his head and his mouth twisted in a rueful smile that was aimed entirely at himself. "It has been made apparent to me over the last few days that I've been a bad friend, and an even worse potential partner. Kathryn," he said by way of explanation when a puzzled frown drew her brows together. "We finally had that meeting we kept having to reschedule before the mission started." He never told Eva the details, or more than the fact that he and his former Captain were very good friends, but he knew she was smart enough to read between the lines. Almost everyone who knew them was capable of doing that, or so it seemed.
Eva's frown grew deeper. "I didn't think that was still a possibility." She gestured between them. "Have I misinterpreted this? If you intended to be with her, what am I doing here, Chakotay?"
He had earned the annoyance in her terse and clipped tone, Chakotay decided. "That's the question isn't it?" He saw that his response had done little to assuage her ire and looked down again. "To be honest with you, I don't really know. I like you," he admitted, and met her gaze again as he said it. "Beyond that, I'm not really sure what I'm doing anymore. What I've come to realize is that the minute we got back from the Delta Quadrant I tried to turn it off, like those seven years had no effect on me. I expected that everything else would go on, that everything was just going to fall into place, as if getting home was the answer to all the questions I had out there."
Chakotay's head tilted as realization lit his eyes, he made a small sound of puzzled wonder as his mind suddenly put all the pieces together and he understood what Cambridge and Kathryn had been telling him. "I spent seven years pushing for a single goal, because getting home was the answer to everything, at least in my mind. As long as we were in the Delta Quadrant every day was just about existing, getting from one moment to the next until we finally accomplished our mission. Even when I told myself that I was moving on, I was lying to myself. When we got home I just stopped, because it was all going to happen and there was nothing for me to do but wait for it." He looked at Eva again and an apologetic look crossed his face. "After a while I think I convinced myself that I was moving on, but it's not possible to do that when you haven't truly dealt with the past."
"That isn't easy to hear," Eva admitted. She took a sip of her wine and sighed. Her frustration was directed more at herself, however, for not seeing it before she allowed them to arrive at this moment. They hadn't done more than share a few dinners and conversation, but she didn't like the idea of having contributed to the confusion of a situation that had nothing to do with her, however indirectly. "I'm sorry," she said, "because I really think we might have had a good time, but I'm glad that you're telling me this now." She could only imagine how much worse it might have been later.
"I'm sorry too," Chakotay said. "I think you're right. I think we would have had a great time, too. It just wouldn't be fair of me to go on without admitting that… I really don't know where my head is right now. I'm going to have to figure that out before I can consider getting closer to anyone." He reached across the table and covered her hand with his. "At the risk of sounding like a complete ass, would it be terrible if I said I hope we can still be friends."
"Yes." Eva smiled at him, however. "I would like that, and maybe when you figure out what it is that you want, you can let me know." She wouldn't put her life on hold on the off chance that it was her, but she wouldn't be in any great hurry to close that door either. He was being honest with her, and in the spirit of friendship he deserved the time he needed to come to terms with his past, his present, and to figure out what he wanted for his future. Eva turned her hand over under his and gave his fingers a squeeze. "I hope you figure it out, Chakotay, I really do. Living in emotional limbo is no way for anyone to exist. I think a lot of us went through that after the war. We lost friends and loved ones, colleagues and mentors. I don't know what it was like for you in the Delta Quadrant, but I know coming back and finding the home you were dreaming of completely changed couldn't be easy. It's okay to grieve for that. It's also okay to be a little selfish and figure out what you need now that you're here, not just want you want."
He looked at their joined hands and grinned crookedly. "Now I really feel like a first class idiot. You're being a lot nicer than I probably deserve." He also wondered how it was that everyone around him could see what he was blind to for so long?
"I probably am." Eva smiled widely at him. "It just wouldn't be very sporting to kick an idiot when he's down," she quipped. When his dimples appeared in the first real smile she had seen that evening, Eva decided to take it as a win, despite how their night would be ending.
"Well, thank goodness for small favors," he decided. Chakotay gave her fingers a squeeze before he drew his hand back. "I should really call it a night and get back to the ship." That was another reason he wasn't able to relax. Voyager like Cerberus had taken some damage during the battle, though not as extensively. He wanted to check on the crews that were working on repairs. The sooner they were completed, the sooner he'd be able to get back to patrolling the border. He would feel better when he had something else to focus on than the emotional mess he was in currently. Not that he was trying to avoid it; Cambridge wouldn't let him get away with that. "Can I walk you back?"
"No, thank you." Eva lifted her wine glass again. "I think I'm going to finish my wine, and if memory serves, there is a white chocolate and strawberry cake on the menu that will make my night infinitely better. I think I'll use this as an excuse to indulge."
"Are you sure?" When she only nodded, Chakotay stood up. He would pay the tab on his way out and make sure that anything else she ordered was credited to his account. "Goodnight, Eva." He bent and pressed a soft kiss to her cheek. His hand touched her shoulder, for only a moment, and then he walked away from her. Cambridge never said the path to emotional health would be an easy one, and if the evening taught him nothing else, it was that he really did have a lot of work to do.
KJKJKJ
After leaving Jake, Kathryn let her footsteps carry her to the docking port. While many of the crew were enjoying the break, she knew that Chakotay had probably stayed on board during the repairs. They hadn't spoken again before she left the ship. She had avoided him, choosing to use Decan as a means of absenting herself from any possible further confrontations. The scene was so damned familiar she could have recited it in her sleep. He pushed, they argued, and distance grew between them. He would cross it, tentatively at first, and then they'd carry on as if nothing had happened until the next confrontation.
It was no way to live a life, and it was certainly no way to have a friendship. She had asked him for space, but before she took it, there were a few more things that needed to be said. She was going to say them, and then the rest would be up to him.
Kathryn found him on Deck 4, which had always served as a sort of informal observation deck. The corridor of windows afforded a decent view of the ship's forward saucer section, and from there, they could watch the repair crews. "You can glare at them as hard as you want," she said as she approached, and suppressed a smirk when he startled slightly, "they aren't going to fix her any faster. That's a lesson I had to learn the hard way."
"But it always made you feel better," he reminded her. Chakotay glanced at her. She was out of uniform, and the pale blue tunic and leggings fit her well. She looked comfortable, relaxed. The sight was quite removed from the angry woman he encountered in his ready room a few days ago. He was realizing that confrontation was his doing, though. He pushed when he shouldn't have. "I thought you left?" He knew Aegeus had arrived and he thought she intended to join Captain Paris for the trip home.
"I was going to." She clasped her hands in front of her. "There was something I needed to do first." Kathryn turned to him. "Jamestown is going to be leaving dock in a few hours. I'll be going with it. Chakotay…" Kathryn shook her head. "I know I said some things that were difficult to hear, and I haven't changed my mind. I do think we need some space. I didn't want to be so harsh with you. I was hoping when we talked about it that we would both understand why things happened the way they did. The truth is, I understand now that we both had expectations that couldn't be met because we never really bothered to see beyond the walls we were living behind. You were waiting for me, and I was waiting for home. When we got here, the reality of it… it was different. I spent a lot of time in counseling trying to unravel the knots I tied myself in out there," she admitted, "but I don't think you did. So once again, here we are, and I think we both want the same thing but we aren't on even ground. We never have been. I wanted a lot from you, and as upset as I am at your actions… it wasn't fair of me to pin my expectations on you alone."
He turned his back on the view of the ship and leaned against the viewport. "We both did that," he said. "We had an idea of what we wanted, and we never talked about it again. We couldn't. It hurt too much. So we lived with the idea of what it might mean to get home and explore that opportunity, but the problem with living for a dream is that sometimes we lose sight of the reality."
"That sounds a lot like something Counselor Davis would say to me." Kathryn moved to lean against the viewport beside him. "You're not wrong. I am still very disappointed in you, and I'm angry, but I don't think you are malicious enough to have used Seven specifically to hurt me. I think that was my bruised ego speaking. She's young and beautiful, and exactly your type. To be honest, I always wondered where I fit into your life at all."
His brows drew together in confusion. "What do you mean?" Chakotay stared at her. "Kathryn, I only ever had the one type." He was truly confused by her statement.
"I know and that is what was so puzzling. All the women I knew you to spend time with or offer attention to were young, blonde, and… not at all like anything I've ever seen in my mirror," she smiled, the expression looking just a bit rueful. Even Seska, for all her twisted anger and darkness had been an exotic beauty in her own right.
He blinked at her several times. "Are you kidding?" Chakotay straightened. When she only shrugged at him, Chakotay realized just how much of a bastard he'd been all those years. "There were other women, but the reason they didn't look anything like you is because I wasn't using them to replace you. Substitutes, little more than diversions, really, but I wanted you. That was my type, from the time I figured out you'd gotten under my skin to the moment I thought I finally let go of the idea we'd ever have anything."
"Fifty years is a long time," she said quietly. "I didn't want you to spend your life waiting and alone, but it didn't hurt any less. Now…" She smiled, but it was tinged with sadness. "It seems we're still waiting. That's something I just can't do anymore. You said something to me once, and I didn't really understand it until now. You told me that you couldn't sacrifice the present waiting for a future that might never come. In the Delta Quadrant I had one objective and I didn't have the luxury of living in the present. I'm not in the Delta Quadrant anymore, Chakotay, and I know what I want from my life. What I need is for you to figure that out too, and I think you need the space to do that."
"You might be right." He folded his arms across his chest. "It didn't occur to me how it would look to you, after the things we said that night on the holodeck. I knew that you didn't want me to wait, not forever, but a part of me wanted you to acknowledge that I wasn't. That isn't the man I thought I'd be at the end of our journey. Counselor Cambridge says I have some work to do, and I may finally be ready to do it."
"I'm sorry," she touched his arm. Her sorrow went deep, and was overlaid with a sense of guilt. "I was so focused on finally being able to breathe again that I didn't stop to consider that maybe I had left you behind."
"For the first time in seven years you were able to think of yourself," he offered her a small smile, "I won't let you apologize for that. Not after all the times I tried to get you to take even a minute just to consider what you needed. We spent those first few weeks after we got home making sure everyone else was okay, and you seemed so relieved, I guess it didn't occur to me that you were doing anything but just enjoying it."
"I'm not unbreakable," she slanted a look at him. "I thought you, of all people, knew that." The corner of her mouth twisted toward a crooked smile. "It's possible that if I had never met that other version of me, I wouldn't have done the work I did these past months. I told you before that I thought she was a little frightening."
"Terrifying," Chakotay said. "I'd call her terrifying." He grinned at her surprised expression. "While it was interesting to be faced with two of you, a little frightening is far from what I'd ever say about that woman." He sobered suddenly. "When I let myself think about the worst possible version of how any of us could turn out, she's exactly what I saw for you. I didn't want that, Kathryn. As hard as it was to accept that any version of you could end up being that cold or bitter, it's even more terrifying to know there was some version of me out there that let it happen."
"You are not responsible for my happiness," She reminded him. "That was only one possible future and now it has been erased. I'm not going to become her, and you aren't going to watch it happen, or contribute to it, or any of the other thousands of things that might have occurred in that timeline. We're home, and it's time to start living like we know it."
"I'm not there yet," he agreed. "Part of me is still stuck on the other side of that hub."
"I know. It took me some time to come to terms with it too. The great thing about being on this side of that hub, though, is that there's no rush to figure anything out." She walked over to look out over the forward section of the ship again. "Time isn't infinite, but we aren't just existing for a singular purpose anymore."
"It's odd to hear you talking like that," he pointed out. "That was usually my job." Chakotay shook his head; his grin was filled with chagrin. "When did we trade places?"
Her lips pursed while she considered it. "Quarra, I think. I started to remember what it felt like to really live, and you began to pull away." Kathryn shrugged. "One more event in a long series of them that defined who we were when we got home."
"Quarra," he repeated quietly. "I think you're right. It was the first time in years that I got to see you again. It was hard to accept that it was for him, even if you didn't have a say in it." He scowled darkly. "Especially when you didn't have a say in it. Then I had to watch you fade away again and I convinced myself it wasn't you at all, it was just another trick of the mind alteration."
Kathryn lowered her gaze to the deck underneath their feet. "If we analyzed every moment of our journey that hurt us we'd be here for an eternity, I think. Can we just agree to put it behind us?"
"I'm trying to," he said. "I've still got some work to do."
"Yes." She folded her hands together in front of her. "Do me a favor and don't take too long." She had drawn a surprised look from him this time. "Voyager is going to be patrolling the Neutral Zone for at least a couple of months. I really don't want to go an indefinite amount of time without seeing you again."
A line drew his brows together. "So when we get back, what?" Chakotay sighed. "Maybe you should be clear about it, so we don't end up here again."
"Maybe you're right." She pushed her tongue across her teeth and moved to stand in front of him. "When you get home, I want to see you." Her brows rose. "You owe me a date… in Venice. Was that clear enough for you?"
"Perfectly." He studied the way her hair fell around her shoulders. "I think I can wait a few more months if you can."
"Chakotay, I waited seven years. A few more months is nothing in comparison, but I won't wait forever." She took a step forward. "We won't be doing either of us any good if we let this go on without some kind of resolution. Spend the next few months figuring out exactly what it is that you want from your life, because I already know. It'll either include me or it won't, but be sure. I won't put my life on hold again, not even for you." To soften the blow of that declaration she placed her hand on his chest, just as she had so many times before, but this time she leaned close and let her lips brush his cheek. As she turned away they both knew that it was either a promise or a goodbye, and this time the ball was firmly in his court.
She left him standing there, staring after her retreating form. Every step that carried her away felt necessary, for her sake as well as his. They couldn't know what was coming for them, no one did, but if she was able to look back in a few years, she didn't want it to be with regret that she had not allowed herself to truly live when the opportunity arose.
There was a time when all she had wanted was the dream that kept her warm in the cold loneliness of the Delta Quadrant. She had wanted Venice, and moonlit sails on Lake George. She wanted to walk with him along the beaches of Australia and lie underneath a clear, starlit sky next to a cornfield in Indiana. As she exhaled a breath she hadn't realized she was holding, she admitted that some dreams were harder to let go of than others, but sometimes survival meant acknowledging what is, instead of what could be. Living meant more than that. It meant walking through the doors that were opened, grasping for the future, and not looking back.
Kathryn no longer had any intention of just surviving. She was going to thrive.